The Bloodshedverse :: Spuffy with Bite

Jan 11 2007 10:06 pm #1LisFayte

This cracked me up, so I thought I would share it

I learned a lot in 2006, and I owe it all to my many email friends.

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the lifesaving information about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258 th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer- causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to some of you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician...

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.--- e e cummings

Come to challengespuffy post Spuffy fic challenges or find something to write about

Jan 12 2007 07:19 am #2LadyYashka

OMG! That's funny! :lol:

And now for the truthon some of these warnings:

"Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains."

Coke will actually clean a chrome bumper making it all nice and shiny.

And

"And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life."

It's actually distilled water that will "blow up" on you if you heat it in the microwave. Tap water will simply boil in the container.

How do I know this? They tested these myths on "Mythbusters" which can be seen on the Discovery channel.

Now back to your regular fic reading schedual. :)

Ps. I have way too much time on my hands. :lol:

Tomorrow may be hell, but today was a good writing day, and on the good writing days nothing else matters. — Neil Gaiman