So You Can Be Free by Thianna
 
 
Chapter #1 - 1
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.

**

A/N: Some parts are taken/inspired from Seeing Red. I didn’t follow the dialogue exactly. I rewrote some parts. I just wanted to give people the feel of the scene. Again, the idea of the whole bathroom scene in Seeing Red isn’t mine so give dibs to Joss Whedon and the BTVS writers. After Buffy rejects Spike's advances it goes A/U.

This is intended as a one shot chapter. I have some ideas to follow it up but would like to know if anyone actually wants me to continue this. So let me know what you think. Thanks for reading.




So You Can Be Free

Spike hesitated for a moment, standing outside the bathroom door wondering what he was going to say? He tried various scenarios in his head for the better part of the afternoon but nothing sounded right. He could feel her moving inside, and all he wanted was to hold her … to be in those arms again, to feel her warmth. He had hurt her and he knew he was a bloody git for doing it. But, he was hurting inside too. Couldn’t she see that? Couldn’t she see how much he was aching inside ever since that day she called him William. Maybe he could make her see. He’ll make her see.

He knocked softly on the door, then let himself in. “Buffy, we need to talk.”

“Spike, what are you doing here? I don’t want to see you. Please just leave.”

“No. We. Need. To. Talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” She said, trying to pour all her attention on the bathroom sink.

“Yes there is! I’m sorry.” Spike replied looking down at the floor. “I didn’t mean …”

“Didn’t mean it?! Why did you do it then?” she said angrily, whipping her head up to look at him with vehemence.

“Because I care about you.”

“People who care don’t go sleeping with my friends.”

“Look, I was looking for a spell”

“A spell? You wanted to put a spell on me?”

“No. No! For me! I wanted a spell for me.” he said placing a hand on his chest. “So I can forget. So I can stop feeling this way. Don’t you think I want it to stop? Don’t you think I’ve tried? But your inside me Summers. Swimming in my head, living in my dreams.” Spike cried out exasperated. “I want you. I need you.”

“I don’t love you.”

“But I do, and I can’t stop. But you’re lying Slayer. I know there’s something between us. I know you felt it.”

Buffy looked at him sternly. “Fine, I may have feelings for you, but I don’t love you. I can never trust you enough for that.”

Spike growled out in anger, moving closer to her. "Trust? You mean to tell me when you came to me night after night you didn't trust me? Sure didn't seem that way when you let me tie you up to the bed. As usual, I’m good enough to fuck, but ..." he said running fingers through his hair. "What we have Buffy ... the way we move against each other ... the passion between us ... the way we fight together ... even the way we fight against each other ... there's something there. We connect on a level that couples could only dream off."

"You're being delusional."

He reached out for her wrists, holding her tightly as he tried to lean in and kiss her. But she moved her head, her eyes shut in fear. “I know you love me Buffy. Please. I’ll make you remember. Please let me in.”

“Spike get off me. No!” she screamed.

Spike pushed her against a wall still holding her wrists firm. “Look at me!” he commanded, wanting to see her green eyes.

Buffy opened her eyes, finding herself staring at pools of blue that were filled with hurt and pain bordering on what looked like madness.

“I love you. I love you.” Spike whimpered.

"Spike, stop this."

Spike growled. "Why do you keep hiding what you feel? I know you feel it Buffy."

"Let go of me!", Buffy said struggling but she felt weak with the huge bruise on her left side. “Spike, stop that! No!” she screamed, trying to push him away.

With a look of desperation, Spike tried once more to see anything in her eyes that showed the love he knew was there. But she looked stern. "You leave me no choice!" he said, blues shifting into yellow as his face formed ridges and his demon came through. But his eyes still looked so sad as he bared his fangs and sunk his teeth into her neck. He pulled blood from her body, savoring the taste of her. Buffy struggled to push him off, and sensing this, Spike pulled one hand away and placed it on her face, pushing her head against the wall roughly, making her loose consciousness.

**

Buffy woke with a slight headache, the cold bathroom tile against her cheek. She groaned as she sat up and tried to focus her sight. What she saw gave her a slight shock. She saw Spike, his chest bare, surrounded by candles, with a book in his hand and a bowl with something red in it. "Spike?" she said hoarsely.

Spike looked up, eyeing her cautiously.

"What are you doing?" Buffy asked.

"I thought it would be fairly obvious. Now hush so we can get this bloody thing over with and we can stop all this bleeding heartache! That's what you want right?" he said with poison in voice. Returning his attention to the book in front of him, he started uttering a few more words and Buffy noticed something shiny glistening against the candlelight.

Spike spoke the words slowly, the hurt and pain obvious in his slightly wavering voice:

"Love in my heart
Love in my dreams
Rejected and scorned
This isn't what love means
Bare fist and fangs
My essence and core
Let this spell stop me from loving her anymore
With a kiss let it be sealed
stronger than iron or stone
Let it be forgotten
Till one of us is dust or bone"


As Spike uttered the last few words, he ran the dagger that Buffy saw against his left arm, letting his blood fall into the bowl and mix with what looked like blood already in there. He then pulled a small vial with silver looking powder. He then stuck the dagger on the left side of his chest, forming a small “x” until blood slowly started trickling down his chest. He sprinkled the silver powder on the newly formed cut, wincing as it seemed like it burned his blood and skin. Then he dumped the rest of the vial into the bowl. The bowl glowed instantaneously then a small puff of smoke came from it. Spike finally lifted his eyes at the silent Slayer, still clutching her robe close to her. He took her in, enjoying the last moments of ever feeling this close to her. He knew she hated him, but after today, he would never again feel the same way about her. And deep down he knew he was going to kill that part of himself that felt truly alive ... the part that felt like he actually belonged in this world.

"Well Slayer? It's up to you now. Send me off right. Just one kiss and then I'll be gone."

Buffy was still trying to make sense on what was going on. If she heard the spell correctly, he was casting a spell on himself to make him forget. But would that mean he will return to the Spike that killed without thought or provocation? That was what she was asking from him anyway, right? To forget about his love for her, to stop telling her that he loved her. She had turned him away so many times, this is what she wanted. She cautiously stood up, then made her way towards Spike. She kneeled down in front of him, and looked at the bowl filled with red liquid.

"I'm sorry!", he blurted out. "I didn't mean to bite down so hard, but I needed your blood for the spell." He reached out to try and tuck a lock of hair behind her ear but she moved away from his hand, and with a hurt look on his face, he looked down at the floor, his jaw clenched and took a deep breath in, trying to prevent any tears from coming.

"I love you and I'm sorry." he said as he leaned over and captured her lips with his own. It was a kiss of desperation and need. It would be the last kiss he would ever taste from her ... the last kiss that showed he even cared.

Buffy felt cold lips on hers and though some part of her wanted to push him away, she still really had feelings for him. This was it. Spike would never look at her the same way ever again. He would never care to listen to her problems or give her his winning smile when she needed it the most. His blue eyes would never peer into hers and the monster she had always accused him off would be back. She felt loss at that, and tears stared to blur her vision, slowly streaming down her cheeks.

Spike pulled away feeling salt touch his lips. He moved one hand up to wipe them away. "Shhh... It will be over now, love. We'll both be free." He pulled himself up to his knees and with his thumb and forefinger, extinguished the candles one by one. With each flame extinguished, he felt as if the dagger was back in his chest, stabbing him. He started feeling cold and uncaring. He gave her one last loving look as he hovered over the last candle. "I love you, Buffy Summers. Now you can be free!” Without tearing his eyes away from her, savoring the last second of seeing how much beauty he saw in her, he moved his fingers closer to the flame and pressed them together, the last flame now dead.

**

Spike sat in a chair in his crypt, sitting in the dark and staring out at the one small window. The glass in his left hand was half empty, blood staining the rim. He felt empty. He felt unsure. He still remembered everything that happened. He knew that just hours ago he felt all this love focused on one person, but now ... now it just wasn't there. The cross wound on his left chest ached, healing really slowly. He closed his eyes, running memories through his head.

Hearing her voice calling to him, and pushing him away. Her admission time and time again that she could never love him. But then he'd remember moans, hitched breaths and skin on skin. The wound on his chest felt like it was opening again when her words came flooding back -- "I want you ... but it's killing me." He hurt her, was hurting her but those were just words till ... It came standing out again, that memory. ... Buffy screaming and pushing him away. He grit his teeth together as his chest stung. The memory hurt. He just needed to calm down. The pain will go away, it always will somehow. He took another drink of blood, focusing his senses on the taste in his mouth. It didn't matter so much now that it was pig's blood. He had to focus. Just a little bit more time and he knew it wouldn't hurt anymore. Nothing would matter anymore. Slowly, the pain in his chest subsided and he was starting to feel like himself again, like the Big Bad he had been for the past century.

The door to his crypt was pushed in, and Spike could smell vanilla in the air. But it wasn't Buffy. He knew more than sensed that she wouldn't come.

"You didn't come by today."

"You shouldn't be out this late, Niblet. Don't really want to be near the end of a stake when the Slayer comes and finds you."

"What happened?"

"Nothing." he said taking a sip from his glass.

"Like I believe that."

"What do you want, bit?", he said standing up, sounding irritated.

"Just want to understand what's going on."

"I'm the last person you should go to for a bonding session. Vampire remember?"

Dawn looked down, not sure what to say. She knew there was something going on, but no one would really talk about it. Buffy told her that Spike came by last night. That they argued. But though Buffy was trying to hide it, Dawn already caught a glimpse of her sister's bruised wrists. She knew it was dangerous, perhaps even stupid. But she was angry... angry at this vampire that was her protector. He claimed that he loved her sister, saw him sink into himself just last summer when she was still dead. And then in two days, it seemed like everything she knew about him was turned upside down. First, he was with Anya. And then last night, he came and hurt Buffy all over again. But when Dawn would press for more detail, Buffy would just shake her head and try to give her a smile.

"No." Dawn said finding some courage. "I want to know what happened."

"Well what did good ole' sis tell you?"

"Not much. I want to know why. ... You say you love her and you hurt her. I just want to understand why."

Spike turned his head to face her. "Don't worry your pretty little head about it, Bit. Big sis doesn't need to worry about any of this ever again. Tell her it worked."


 
 
Chapter #2 - 2
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.

**

CHAPTER 2


Dawn dared to move closer to him. Why wouldn't anybody tell her anything? Yes she was a teenager and yes, maybe she didn't understand everything there is to know about emotions but she was a person wasn't she? She could feel. She could think. Why does everyone always have to walk on eggshells around her? It's like this big secret that everyone is always in on except her. The only person that seemed to understand her was Spike and now here he was giving her riddles.

He saw her as a person -- an individual, not as a child. He talked to her like a grown up but now he was being tight lipped. Why? All she wanted to know was why? There were always reasons to why people do the things they do. Whether it be a smart action or a dumb one, there were always reasons.

One hundred forty-seven days ... He counted one hundred forty-seven days till she came back. And now within two days nothing seemed to matter to him anymore.

"Spike? What are you talking about? What worked?"

"I've said what I needed to say Niblet. Best that you start heading home."

"No!" Dawn said standing her ground.

"No?! That wasn't a suggestion."

"Well your not my father nor my mother nor are you my guardian so you can't really tell me what to do."

"In case you've forgotten, this is my crypt, so when I say you should go ... You. Should. Go!" Spike didn't understand why Dawn was being so adamant about knowing what happened. He didn't want to dwell on it any longer. The more he thought about it, the more his chest hurt. The throbbing pain a constant reminder of the spell he weaved not too long ago.

Magic always had consequences. That's what he always believed in and he wondered what the consequence would be for the spell he cast. But it didn't really matter. As long as it worked he would pay whatever price. He would kill whatever beastie resulted from the spell and overcome whatever obstacle the fates wanted to throw at him for denying himself perfect happiness. Perfect happiness. ... Sweet, alluring, complete perfect happiness. ... Maybe that would be his punishment. To remember how it felt. To relive memories of how it felt. That was all that was left.

As each minute passed that was all he had to cling to to remind himself of what he had with that bitch of a Slayer. Soon it would be forgotten and then he could finally move on. But Dawn had to leave. Her presence and her words kept poking and prodding into his mind, like the sting of the dagger that he used to cut himself. It had to heal. And for it to heal he needed peace. He needed the bitch Slayer's sister gone.

"But Spike?!" Dawn whined.

"I said leave!" he bellowed out. "I have nothing against you, Bit. But it's best you leave."

"But it's dark out and well ..."

"You should have thought about that before coming over here." he said finishing off the blood in his glass before slamming it down onto the table in front of him. The glass shattered from the force he used making Dawn cringe.

Spike took in a deep breath realizing that the only way for him to be rid of Dawn would be to take her home. "Fine." he said through clenched jaw. "Walk on home and I'll follow to make sure you get back safely."

"Oookay." Dawn replied nervously. She waited for him to stand and grab his leather duster before turning around to head out of his crypt.

The walk home was uneventful which made it all the more awkward because she was walking by herself with Spike a few feet following from behind. He was never like this. Never this distant... not to her. They made it back to their house. Dawn fumbled for her keys then opened the front door. She held the door open for him, waiting for Spike to reach the threshold. But he shook his head when Dawn asked him if he wanted to come in. Once she was safe inside, he told himself he should just go. But part of him felt a little guilty for his outburst earlier. He hung around outside, sitting down on the porch steps as he enjoyed his cigarette. He'll stay for a tiny bit. Maybe till he could smell one of the Scoobies coming then he would leave.

Soon enough he smelled the Slayer ... the familiar vanilla scent wafting in the air. There was someone else with her. He flicked the cigarette butt on the ground and extinguished it with his boot. He stood up in one fluid motion and hid his hands into his coat pockets.

Buffy and Xander rounded the corner and made their way to the porch. Seeing the shock of platinum blond, Xander rushed up to Spike, anger in his eyes.

"Hands off the merchandise Whelp!"

"What are you doing here, Spike? Haven't you done enough?"

"To you? Hardly. But I'm not in the mood so piss off!"

"Xander, let him go!" Buffy interjected.

"So that's it. You're just going to let him walk?" Xander complained.

"Look, I'm tired and I don't want to talk about it anymore. You should just go home." Buffy replied.

"But Buffy ... "

"Xander, I can handle this. Okay!"

Xander gave Spike another icy look before turning around to do as Buffy requested. When he was out of sight, Buffy turned her attention to the vampire standing not too far from her.

"What do you want?" Buffy asked coolly as she crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"Nothing. Brought Dawn home. Night." Spike said curtly then walked passed her.

"Wait. Dawn was in your crypt tonight?"

Spike stopped but didn't turn around to face her. "Not my decision, Slayer. She would have stayed there too if I didn't bring her here."

"Why did she?"

"Was asking a lot of bleeding questions. Maybe you need to talk to your sister, Slayer."

"Spike about last night ... "

"What? What's done is done. I can't turn back time. If I could do you really think we'd be here right now? You made your decision and I made mine. Life will go on, eh Slayer?"

"Uhm.. yeah." Buffy closed her eyes as she felt him moving away. She should be happy. It was over now. Whatever impulsive and foolish notion that made her confide in him and be with him should be gone now. She had broken it off, reasoned with herself that it was wrong and now it was over. He was a vampire -- a soulless creature that could never ever love. And for that reason she knew with perfect certainty that she could never love him back. So there really was no emotion to return. It was just convenient and comforting. A bit of softness to help blur the brightness and harshness of the real world. "A bit of cold comfort" he would tell her with lust in his deep blue eyes as he would lick his lips That look melted her time and time again just weeks ago. That look wasn't there now.

If that was all it was ... if she was just using him, then why did it hurt so much? Why did it hurt seeing him with Anya? Why did it hurt when he twisted what they had and perverted it by forcing himself on her? Why did it hurt when he uttered those words to help him move on? If he couldn't love at all, why did he need a spell to make him forget? But he was right. It was done and cannot be undone until one of them meets their death. He gave her what she wanted. But it seemed like she was losing more than she ever expected.


 
 
Chapter #3 - 3
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.

**


CHAPTER 3


Buffy waited until she could no longer see Spike's shock of platinum blond hair against the dark night. How many times in the past was seeing him here such an annoyance? But how many times this past year was it a welcome sight? And then there was that time when she found out about her mother. She was so distraught that she didn’t even feel him approaching until he was just paces away. She saw the gun, but at that moment survival was the last thing on her mind. Then he sat beside her. He waited. He didn’t press her with questions as to why she was sad. He just sat there until she was ready to somehow put into words how she felt. She should have called Willow or Xander, but it was Spike that saw and heard her cry. In his eyes she didn’t see pity – just understanding. And strangely enough she felt safe.

She cried on his shoulder and he let her sob out her sadness. Maybe she was imagining that it was Angel holding her. But Angel never smelled of alcohol and beer. And if it was Angel it would feel like he was engulfing her to protect her from the world … from whatever pain she was feeling. That was how Angel held her. No, this was different. This was different even from Riley. Riley would have done something similar – hold her so tightly as if he could squeeze the pain away. But Spike was there, just there, stroking her hair and back so tenderly. He didn’t rush her into feeling better nor did he rationalize that things would get better. He was there and he listened and she felt safe.

An unexpected sigh escaped her lips as she turned and entered the house.

"Dawnie? I'm back." Buffy called by the stairwell.

"Yeah?" Dawn peeked out of her room.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah ... well I guess considering everything going on, I should be asking you that question."

Buffy's face went stern. "Right. I guess I deserve that."

Dawn stepped out of her room and climbed down the stairs towards her sister. "Did you see Spike?"

"Uhm ... yeah. He just left."

"So did you guys talk?"

"Talk?" she said somewhat defensively. "Why would we talk?"

"To get whatever it is that's been bothering you out in the open. I'm assuming at the very least he would have apologized for hurting you."

"Oh that. Well he said that already." she replied somewhat absentmindedly.

"Good. He's been acting really weird lately. You know when we walked home, he wouldn't even walk beside me."

Buffy looked at her sister with shock in her eyes. She knew how much Spike cared for Dawn and that he would protect her at all costs. Sure it was sufficient that he watch her from afar but that never really was his style. Dismissing her shock quickly for Dawn’s benefit, Buffy gave her sister a reassuring smile. "Maybe he just had a bad day. Anyway, you should be getting to bed. You have school tomorrow and all."

Dawn tried to give her sister a comforting smile and a quick hug before climbing back up the stairs and into her room.

Buffy followed moments later, stepping into her familiar sanctuary and closing the door behind her. She stared at her bed, noticing Mr. Gordo looking up at her forlorn nestled near her pillows. She moved towards her closet and slowly slid off her coat. One by one she removed her clothing and changed to a pair of shorts and a black shirt. Feeling a little more comfy in her sleep clothes, she made her way to her dresser.

She picked up her brush as she undid her ponytail, letting her still not so long blond hair free. "Goldilocks" she heard him say in her mind. The memory seemed so real that she had to look around to make sure he wasn't there. But her reflection in the mirror was telling her the truth. She was alone. He was not here. Shaking her head to clear it, she ran the brush through her hair over and over again. Then, she continued with her nightly routine. When she was done, she saw Buffy staring back at her sans make-up.


"Beautiful ... always beautiful." Spike said in his low alluring voice.

"Yeah right, with a bruise on my forehead." Buffy said with a little pout.

Spike's eyes wandered to every one of Buffy's feature. "Don't believe me love? Don't sell yourself short. You're beautiful." he said reaching out with his fingers to caress her cheek. He then moved his hand towards her neck, pulling her in gently as he brushed his lips against her. "Always beautiful, my sweet angel." he mumbled before pressing his lips once more for another kiss. When he felt her moved against him, he deepened the kiss wanting to prove to her exactly how much she turned him on. His hand left a trail of shivers in its wake as he moved it down to rest on her waist. Buffy found herself wrapping her arms around his neck, matching him kiss for kiss as the need to move away from him that once occupied her mind, disappeared.



With a gasp, Buffy closed her eyes tightly and shook her head, trying to rid herself of that memory. With another deep breath and quiet resolve she tried to give herself a reassuring smile in the mirror. She flung her hair back as she stood but something on her neck made her stop. It was a bite mark -- Spike's bite mark. The swelling had gone down but the two red wounds stood proudly against her smooth fair neck. Instinctively she touched them, curious to see if they were still tender. But that move was a mistake as another memory came crashing inside her head.


"Well Slayer? It's up to you now. Send me off right. Just one kiss and then I'll be gone." she heard him say with desperation.

"I'm sorry!” he blurted out. "I didn't mean to bite down so hard, but I needed your blood for the spell. ... I love you and I'm sorry." And then there was the kiss -- the last kiss he gave her. It was urgent, full of need and maybe hope. It sent shivers through her body like all his kisses did but when it ended she didn't see the lust that usually accompanied a joining of that kind.



"Argh!" Buffy cried out in frustration. "I just need to go to bed." She affirmed to no one in particular. She was alone. No one was with her tonight because that's how she liked it. Right?


**


Spike heard something else break and shatter in his crypt but it didn't matter. Nothing really mattered at the moment not when his hands were full of Slayer flesh. She was everywhere. He could fill hot lips on his cold chest as her hands explored the rest of his body. Her hair bounced gently against his muscles and his body responded to that and all the other things she was doing to him.

He moved in time with her, her gasps and moans music to his hears. He wanted to taste her and he arched his body to capture her soft lips with his own. He was lost in her.

Each time either of them moved seemed better than the last and he held on to the moment, knowing that once she was done the pleasure would be replaced by pain and a cold bed. Have to be in the moment. Live the moment. How long have they been at it? Hours? It was never enough. He wanted more. He concentrated on each kiss, each touch, each surge of pleasure knowing full well it wouldn’t last. He had to commit each second to memory while it lasted. He heard her hitched breathing and smiled, determined to hear more of her.




Spike woke up with a start only to realize that there was another part of his anatomy that was quite awake. "Bollocks! Damn fucking Slayer!" He tried to ignore it, turning on his side to find comfort in pillows and sheets. Sleep. He needed sleep, but his body recalled the dreams to clearly.

He twisted his body to reach out for the bottle of whiskey he remembered placing by the bed before he went to sleep. Grasping the neck tightly he poured the liquid down his throat hoping alcohol would take care of his problem. She was around him. Always. She was everywhere. Why did she have to be bloody everywhere? Why did everything have to bloody remind him of her? "It's because you fell good and proper for the bint you fool." his thought answered for him. The only comfort he had in that was the operative word -- "fell". Past tense. Memories were a distraction. Maybe he should have asked to seal those as well. At that moment he felt an itch on the left side of his chest and absently his left hand started scratching it. Then he felt it stinging -- the damn x-marked wound was stinging again. "Oh god! Won't you just bloody heal?!" he cried out. "Heal and leave me in peace."

Knowing that the wound would prevent him for finding sleep anytime soon, he got out of bed and walked over to his little hill of books that were shoved into one corner. He bent down and picked up a book one by one to see if something felt like an interesting read to pass the time. But something else caught his eye. Half buried beneath pages and book covers, a small little spiral wire peeked out. He pulled it from its grave and came face to face with the visage of his former torment. It was Buffy; her eyes closed and face so serene. Her hair framed her face like the clouds around the sun. He had that once -- that smile. He knew that as much as she would deny it, that smile was for him and him alone. He thought that most of his sketches of her were burned when Captain Cardboard came by for a visit. But it seemed like something of hers always escapes. He had half a mind to throw this one to the flames as well. But for some reason he talked himself out of it. In disgust he just threw it back on the pile of discarded books. He could think of only one thing that could make him feel better at the moment. Violence solved everything. The sun was still up but in a few hours he could go on the prowl and he knew exactly the prey he wanted to corner.


 
 
Chapter #4 - 4
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.

**

Chapter 4

Spike was leaning against a tree, enjoying his cigarette and watching the Slayer work up a sweat. He knew better than to go into the fray, no matter how much he wanted to. She looked rightly pissed off tonight and he didn’t really feel like dealing with whatever was bothering her tonight. It was best to stay away from a ticked off Slayer. Well stay away unless you could find a way to tip the scales in your favor which was his intention.

As Buffy dusted the last vampire she was fighting, she turned to face Spike, obviously annoyed. “So are you going to just follow me around all night? You could make yourself useful.”

“Not interested in any of the last few pickings. Too easy.”

Buffy answered him with a smirk. It was somewhat unnerving having him follow her around. She could feel his eyes on her, following her every move and since the chip didn’t work when it came to her, she was never sure what Spike’s intentions were – was he genuinely helping her out or was he just waiting for his one good day. He didn’t love her anymore so there was really no incentive for him to protect her which made it very strange why he hung around the Scoobies at all. He says it’s to kill demons, but he could do that without them right?

He no longer loved her. And though it was a comfort that he no longer obsessed about her, and Buffy could feel better about herself now because she was no longer using him, it felt a little cold. She never knew just how much she had depended on him. Now it didn’t seem right to confide in him because he always seemed so disinterested in anything she had to say. But out of everyone else around her, he was the only one that she thought could understand what she felt.

“So you going to just stand there Slayer or are we going to patrol tonight?” he said extinguishing his cigarette on a tree trunk.

“What’s your hurry?”

“Haven’t killed anything yet tonight.”

“Fine, why don’t you go ahead and I’ll follow.”

“I liked the view from here but if you insist.” He said giving her a wink.

Buffy rolled her eyes knowing this was going to be a long aggravating night. "You're ... you're incorrigible and a meanie."

"Excuse me?" he said turning around to face her.

"You heard me."

Spike looked up at the night sky for a split second. "I swear as many time as you've pounded it literally into my noggin that I'm evil you come up with the stupidest and blatantly obvious observations. Hello! Vampire!"

"It's not stupid. It's true."

"Fine, whatever!"

"What are you doing here anyway, Spike?"

"You see, Slayer there's this little thing in my head that your wonder boy's little groupie stuck in there. And now the only way I can get my jollies is to kill my kind. And seeing as you're the Slayer and my kind just love to have a whack at you, I hang around."

"Well go find your jollies without me, Spike. I don't need you here."

"Wasn't here because you needed me. Unless you feel like another round of the rough and tumble for old time's sake?" he said sneering at her.

"Ugh. I thought we were over this."

"Are we Slayer? Funny thing is … I can smell that you still want me but I could care less." his smiled turned into a grin as he saw the confusion in her eyes. He took that opportunity to let his demon show. Before Buffy knew what happened she found herself flying through the air then landing sorely on her butt. She looked up to see Spike flexing his muscles, the cold look of a predator painted on his face.

Buffy quickly pulled herself up and readied herself for his next assault.

"Time to dance the way we were meant to." She heard him say as his fists came raining down on her. Sure enough they danced, weaving what could have been an elaborate web around the graveyard. It had been a while since they have danced like this and Buffy was taken aback at his determination. It didn't feel like he was trying to prove a point this time. It actually felt like he was out to get himself his third Slayer.

Spike flung Buffy against a mausoleum wall, then rushed to pin her against it. The vicious smile on his face was something she hadn't seen in a long time. His eyes focused on her neck ... on the blood he knew was pumping beneath. He could feel her struggling beneath him which made him smile all the more. "That's it Slayer. Seems like our dance isn't finished yet." He took a couple of steps back, releasing her. With that cocky smile that he loved to sport he raised his hands taunting her to attack him.

Buffy took a deep breath trying to muster up all her strength and courage. She flung herself at him but Spike matched her blow for blow. The way he was fighting it didn't seem like he was going to stop until she was dead. She took a step back assessing the situation.

"Problems Slayer? Or did I tire you already?"

"Please... hardly!" Buffy said rolling her eyes.

She could feel the power behind his punches and it was stronger than any she'd remember. He was determined. She could see it in his stance and on his face. This dance ... this dance was how it should. This was what she was meant to do. This was her calling. But she couldn't help but feel a tinge of regret. "No. I have to focus." She thought trying to keep her emotions in check. But why did she need to? "Because he's going to kill you Buffy. Stop wigging out and focus. But it's Spike. Focus Buffy." So she curled her hand into fists and launched herself at the blond vampire. Once again they danced, exchanging fists and kicks.

"That's it Slayer, show me what you've got."

"Oh you haven't seen what I've got." Buffy said punching him in the face.

"Really now?!" Spike said licking his lips. "I think I've seen more than Peaches or Captain Cardboard have been privy too."

"Shut up!"

"Struck a nerve, Slayer?"

"You wish."

"Actually I don't wish. I just take." he said dropping to the ground and aiming for her legs. Buffy fell to the ground on her back with a thud. Spike was on her, sitting on her hips. "Seems like we like this position the best don't we?"

"Get off me Spike." She said, moving a hand towards the stake she kept behind her.

"Why should I?" Spike noticed her hand moving and clamped his hand down on her arm. "Now, now. It's too early for that." He let his demon come forth. With one swift move he bared his fangs and leaned down.

Buffy waited for the sting, readying her muscles so that she could throw him off when his body relaxed. But his fangs didn't sink into her skin. He moved away from her in shock. Instinctively Buffy touched her neck and found out that he was about to bite her in the same place he had before.

Spike shook his head, confused as to why he didn't go through with it. He growled in anger and leaned down again to bite her. But he reared back again. He smelled himself on her. He knew the mark that she wore on her neck. He should have only felt the Master, Angelus and Dracula there but it wasn't their mark that came blaring into his mind. It was his. He could sense them but they were faint. His was like a scream telling him no over and over again. "Bollocks!" he cried out as he stood up and backed away from her.

Buffy picked herself up, reaching behind herself for her stake.

They stood there facing each other. Buffy was trying to catch her breath and make sense of what just happened. Spike just looked at her, forcing his demon back into its human shell because he didn't want to sense his mark on her so strongly anymore. He wiped the blood from his broken lip with the back of his hand and licked the blood that pooled there.

"So you feel like using that pointy stick?"

Buffy quickly looked down at her right hand. "After your little performance I was seriously considering it."

"So what's stopping you Slayer?"

Buffy looked at him and forced down the lump that was forming in her throat. Why did she hesitate? He just tried to kill her. She should just do her job and be done with it. She should just do what she should have done years ago. But she couldn't deny that things were different now from what they were back then. They shared something. He was her support system for months and though the relationship was somewhat unhealthy he was still her comfort. Despite it all, he listened when he could have turned her away. He protected Dawn and stayed in Sunnydale when the only thing holding him here was a promise. No soul … no guilt … Yet he stayed. Could she easily destroy that? She tried to convince herself that the vampire before her was not the same one just a week ago. He no longer felt for her.

"Not fair to destroy a toothless dog." She said with resolve on her face hoping that would hide what she felt inside.

"I am not toothless and I'm not a sodding dog!" He bellowed out.

"Could have fooled me."

"Piss off, Slayer." He said turning around to walk away. After walking but a few paces, Spike sensed something. When he turned around back to look at Buffy he saw four vampires around her. He sensed that two were mere fledglings but the other two seemed like they had some years to there credit. He took a step forward then stopped. Confusion was once again on his face. He watched her for a moment. He knew she could most probably do it but they had fought. He could tell she was tired. One of the vampires threw her to the ground. When Spike saw the other bare his fangs, he moved swiftly. “Bollocks! God damn Slayer.” he cried out.

A blur of black leather rushing towards the Slayer. He growled loudly, surprising the others. Angry yellow eyes looked at each undead creature. He growled once more. The others stepped back tentatively. He was older than all of them and they could sense it. But the fledglings were drawn to Buffy's heart. Blood the only thought on their minds. As they edged closer both Buffy and Spike made their move. The Slayer had her stake in one's heart and the elder vampire had his hands on the fledgling's head. Dust rained down on both as the vampires met their end. Spike quickly turned his attention to the other two and growled once more. He was taunting them, daring them to come forward. Buffy and Spike glanced at each other and nodded. It was time for another dance. They moved fluidly, familiar with each other's moves. They fed of each other, working as a team to dispose of the two that dared come after the Slayer.

***


A/N: I know that the emotions Spike is expressing in this fanfic seem like one big roller coaster. Some of you may argue why in the world is Spike still helping Buffy when he doesn’t love her anymore. Well, I’m trying to establish that even though he doesn’t love Buffy anymore, he really has changed for the better.


 
 
Chapter #5 - 5
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.

**

Chapter 5

A cloud of dust rained down between Buffy and Spike as the two vampires they were fighting met their doom. Buffy stopped to catch her breath, her stake still held tightly in her right hand. As the dust cleared, they found themselves staring at each other once more.

Spike tilted his head to the left. His jaws were clenched tight as he continued to stare at her. The feel of the kill wasn’t as satisfying compared to taking the life of a human but it was violence nonetheless. It has been years now since he’d felt that thrill because of the blasted chip, but he learned to survive. Violence was violence and death was death. The demon was content but not as happy. But through the months of fighting by her side, he developed an added sense of satisfaction. It heightened the elation he had when he was fighting. It made the kill more meaningful and somehow made up for what he had been missing.

He waited for it now as he carefully watched her across from him. He waited for that feeling ... for that small spark that would make him feel a tinge better. But it wasn’t there. … Not now. So it seems even that is lost to him now. There was no denying that she had found her way into every part of him.

He knew that on that day when he dreamt about her, confessing his love and wanting to show her how much he wanted her, that his life would no longer be the same. But he never thought she would affect him this much. Time to move on … right?

“What now Slayer? Up to using that stake again?”

“If I have to. It’s my job.”

“Well Killer, are we going for round two tonight?”

Buffy frowned at the word “killer”. Then she realized that not once had he called her by her name. Even the somewhat annoying pet names were gone. All night long he called her Slayer and it hurt. “I do have a name you know!”

“Yeah, it’s Slayer. Why should I call you something else? It IS your job.”

Buffy fell silent unsure of what to say.

“What?! Should I start calling you pet? … Kitten? … Darling?” he said raising an eyebrow. “ … Sweetheart? … Love?” His said looking straight into her eyes.

“I didn’t mean … “

“You didn’t mean it like that? Just like everything else with you, you didn’t mean it. I don’t presume to know anything anymore. And since I can’t be anything but a monster anyway, why can’t I call you as how I define you?”

“Spike …”

“What does it matter anyway? What you want me to start calling you Buffy? Just like the Scoobies? Are we friends? Did we even have that?” Spike waited for an answer but Buffy kept silent.

“Right.” He said looking up at the night sky. “You still have two more stops to make. I’ll just go.”

Buffy watched Spike turn around and walk away from her for the second time tonight. Her head was still swimming in what just happened. They went from fighting each other to fighting together. That shouldn’t be a surprise since this was Spike and they’ve been pretty much doing that same routine for a while now. But something he said struck a nerve.

He was just speaking the truth after all. What were they now? He was somewhat of an ally and at the back of her mind even though she would never admit it to anyone else, he was a friend. He promised to take care of Dawn. She would have never entrusted her sister to anyone less than at least a friend. But now Spike was even questioning that. How could he? But then again, why not?

She’s pushed him away enough times and pulled him in only when she wanted to take from him. How many times had he gone against his nature to help her? Just right now, he could have continued to walk away from everything and just leave Sunnydale. But every single time he stayed. It couldn’t be just because of the chip. The Initiative was long gone. He could have gone his own merry way and found some way to either disable the chip or remove it. But he stayed and he fought beside her. Was it all because he wanted to have sex with her? If that was the only reason, he could have tried to take that from her a long time ago – long before she started playing with fire and his emotions. She could still remember the look on his face each time she would push him away and it hurt each time she realized she was so selfish. That’s why she had to break it off because it would consume them both. But it seems like moving on from this will never be easy.


**

Spike took the long way back to his crypt. He needed time to think and it was good he decided to leave the patrolling to Buffy. What happened? He was ready to take what he wanted. He let the demon out and let himself enjoy the thrill of it all. He had her pinned, his fangs were by her neck. But the one act that made him able to fight her so hard was the same thing that stopped him from going through with his intentions.

She smelled of him. The mark was screaming at him to stop. But how was that possible.? There was no bond between them. And thanks to the little mojo, no feelings for that to get in the way. Was he maybe thinking that it would hurt if he hurt her? He thought about that for a few minutes but the answer was no. He wanted to hurt her. He wanted to fight with her because it was their calling. It felt like that was how things were really suppose to be. But his mark screamed that she was his property that she was not meant to be destroyed.

He stopped walking for a minute and tried to feel around his head. Maybe the spell inadvertedly did something else to him. Wouldn’t it be ironic if he ended up claiming her by mistake when he bit down on her? Spike chuckled at the concept. Then as the ramifications of that possibility sunk in, his face was strewn with worry.

"You shouldn't be laughing about that you git!” his demon argued.

Spike took a moment to really search inside himself for a clue ... for a feeling ... anything that would make any sense as to why he didn't kill the Slayer.

Because even if we don't love her anymore, she was the best thing you ever had in your whole sodding life." the demon continued.

".... Yeah right?! Dru was the best thing in my life." William argued.

"She was your sire you bloke. Of course she loved you. But she never loved you enough to choose you over Angelus. ... Damn fucking Poofter!"

"... And what? Buffy could love me that way? News flash how many times did she leave us kicking and screaming. Not to mention the fact that she shoved the idea of Angel in our face."

"You felt it. We both did. It's there, the fire beneath the ice."

"...Yeah ... Felt! Done and over with. I hurt her, always hurt her. ... How could I have even claimed that was love?"

"Love is in your blood. ... I like her blood. ... 'Sides, she had it coming ... Shutting us out when we needed her. She let you taste her ... begged you even with those eyes even though her lips said something else. Then she'd turn away. You were just trying to help her realize that she ..."

"... No... no... stop that. Don't justify it like that. It was wrong what we did. ... the memory of it ... I just want to move on"

"Poor William, crying and hiding in shadows again. "

" ... Shut up!


Spike had been battling internally -- the demon and William trying to make sense of what has been happening.

"So what now?" he asked himself out loud this time.

So was there a claim? He closed his eyes trying to find the answer. But he felt nothing different really. She was on him. Her scent was on his clothes. It was on the lapels of his leather duster where she had grabbed him and on his shirt when they were pressed against each other for the briefest of moments. She was around him. She was always bloody around him. He wanted to end it. Kill her and be done with it. ... Yet his demon reared back at the sight of that bite. His demon recognized it. It recognized the taste of her blood and wanted it. No one else could have it. No one else could… should… taste it.

Spike shook his head. No claim. It can't be a claim. If it was, shouldn't it be blaring inside his head? Shouldn't he know what she was thinking every single moment since that bite? But he hardly knew what was really in her head.. He never knew what she was going to say.

“Focus on the facts ... What are the facts? ... I bit her ... She wears my mark. ... Therefore she belongs to me. ... The Slayer belongs to me? But I can't feel anything resembling what I would think of as a claim link. I can sense Dru. Heck I can sense Peaches somewhere in there more than I can sense her. ... What the fuck is going on?

He stared up at the night sky and cursed the stars. “Is this your bloody idea of a joke? Now I have to protect a Slayer that I don't even care about? Bollocks!” he cried out.

He strode on back to his crypt wanting some much needed alcohol. He needed to numb it all.

 
 
Chapter #6 - 6
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.

**

Chapter 6

Buffy sat quietly by herself in the Bronze by the bar. She didn't have to be alone. Willow and Tara had offered to go with her but she just didn't feel like being with any of the Scoobies tonight. Everything just didn't seem to make sense and she really didn't have anyone to turn to. She knew that either Dawn or Willow were more than willing to listen but somehow she never felt that comfortable telling them about her true feelings. She had to be strong for them. That was why she ended up confiding in Spike.

It was funny that the one person she had been trying to kill, was the only person she felt could understand her. But now, even that comfort was gone. And yet, she still wondered why it hurt not having him around.

“You're delusional Buffy. He only liked you because you were unattainable. He's a glutton for punishment. He says he loves you but he just did that to get in your pants. He admitted it himself, right? ... But the spell... why did he have to cast a spell? Can something evil and soulless really feel? Really love? Dru agreed with Spike about how vampires could love. But then again Dru was crazy.“ Buffy let out a sigh.

Why did things have to be so complicated? Angel left me when I needed him to be here. Riley couldn't deal with the fact that I was the Slayer ... That I was strong. I needed him too but his pride got in the way. Maybe mine did too. But Spike? It was just physical right? Just so that I could feel like I belonged in this world. But I can't love him ... never love him because he doesn't have a soul. My little mantra as Spike would call it. But it's true ... right? Buffy let out another sigh when she heard the familiar mellow voice a few paces from her.

"Two beers, mate."

Buffy glanced to her left and groaned in disgust. It was Spike. She so did not need this tonight. She didn't feel like fighting or insults. She just wanted to get everything straight in her head.

"I saw that, Slayer. And before you start fucking accusing me of stalking, let me tell you I wasn't. My whole world doesn't revolve around you!"

"But it used to", that thought popped into her head. Where did that come from? And it sounded like she was whining about the fact that she was no longer his world. "I wasn't going to say anything.”

"I don't see the Whelp or the witches. Seems like the bird is flying solo tonight." he said taking a drink of his beer.

"Yeah. Everyone's a bit busy."

"Ah. Well don't bother passing by Crestwood, San Rafael or Shady Hill tonight. I already did a quick sweep. Bagged me a couple of nasties." he said somewhat proudly.

"Oh. Uhm ... Thanks, I guess."

"Didn't do it for you, you know."

"Sheesh! Learn how to accept some appreciation."

"Don't know, Slayer. That's a pretty foreign concept coming from you."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Look, I don't need this from you."

"Just saying it how it is. Look, I should just go." he said walking passed her.

"Spike... wait."

He turned around acting a little annoyed. "What now?!"

"You don't have to go. I mean, I could use the company."

He raised an eyebrow. "Me? You sure about that Slayer? ... I mean especially after what's happened between us?"

"Yeah ... we could go play some pool."

"As you wish." he said turning his back to head for any empty pool table.

Buffy followed him, placing her soda down on an empty table beside the pool table he picked out.

"So what's on your mind?" he said racking the balls then breaking them.

"Slayer-wise? I feel like ripping some nerds a new one."

"No argument about that one from me. ... And none Slayer-wise? It's your turn. ... "

Buffy took a shot and then another one before stepping back to give Spike some room. "None Slayer-wise? Just lots of things going on that I can't make sense of."

Spike nodded as he watched Buffy take her shot. "You could have made that shot easily, Slayer."

"Huh?"

"The shot, you were aiming it just a little off."

"You giving me pointers?"

"Been doing it for some time now but you usually don't listen." he said chuckling.

But his words cut into Buffy as she realized he was right. Even when they were bitter enemies, she learned from him. The fights they had pushed her to train harder and become a better Slayer. She heard him say something but she couldn't make it out since she was remembering all the different times Spike was either helping her or inadvertedly training her through their fights. "Huh?"

"I said I can show you how you should have done that shot." he said walking over to her. He leaned down on the table beside her and demonstrated what he was trying to say. Buffy tried to follow. "No." He set his stick against a chair, then made his way behind her. "This way." He carefully leaned close to her, moving the cue stick with his right hand to the position it should be in. Being this close to her sent, he felt an unwanted feeling down to his crouch. His body remembered that scent ... that warmth and the feel of it. He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

Buffy felt the slight breath on her neck and it sent shivers down her spine. It made her body move back slightly, landing gently against his chest. Neither of them moved as both of them found a familiar comfort being this close to each other. The touch triggered a memory in both of them. Of a time they were here. Well not exactly in this same spot. They were up in the catwalk. They were in the darkness sharing a brief moment of bliss. Spike leaned down, sensing her blood throbbing beneath his mark. He moved his head ever so slightly closer, his nose trying to make sure the marks were real. He was trying to see if they were really his. His lips moved of their own accord, planting the lightest of touches on the top of her shoulder. That touch and the feel of his soft breath on her brought her back to the present. Embarrassed at the thought that she was imagining they were back up in the catwalk, Buffy tried to push herself away from him but was held captive by the cue stick which was still in his hands.

She placed her right hand on his, trying to pull it away from the hold he had on the cue stick. Still somewhat lost in his memories, Buffy had to apply force to his hand. On instinct, his right hand released the end of the cue stick but clamped down hard on her right arm.

The sudden pressure brought both of them back to that dreaded night in the bathroom. Buffy gasped in horror and Spike’s eyes seemed to be glazed with guilt.

He quickly let her go. Taking two steps back from the Slayer. “Sorry!” he blurted out with his eyes plastered to the floor. He was afraid of what he would see on her face. It wasn’t because seeing it would hurt him. It was because seeing it would trigger that memory all over again.

Spike could hear that she was taking in deep breaths to calm her down. This was a mistake. How stupid was he to think that everything would just be fine now that he didn’t feel for her? Maybe that was the problem. He felt nothing, absolutely nothing, for her.

Years ago there was the need to see her suffer – to maybe hear her cry, sense her heart beating faster as they fought and he pounded his fists into her body. There was the promise of her blood and the knowledge that he had bested the Chosen One. Then the bloody chip buried itself into his brain and the violence and blood was stripped away from him. So what did he have left? Anger .. . frustration. He clung to those making do with his life until he could find a way to rid himself of the damn science experiment in his head. But being stripped of his ability to feed led him into an existence closer to the Slayer’s since he needed an outlet for the violence. He ended up fighting by her side and the next thing he knew his dreams were filled of her. His thoughts always finding a way to her. But now there was nothing and he didn‘t know how he should be acting around her.

"I better go." Spike said turning around without even looking back at her.

Buffy looked up to once more see his figure moving away. She hated remembering that day. There was so much hurt in the air between Xander, Anya, her and Spike. And then things went down hill.

Why did it always have to be this way? She was in his arms again, though this time it was pretty innocent. She felt safe like she was where she was suppose to be. Then her naughty brain had to interject with the little fantasy about what they had done on the catwalk, and then the painful memory. Why did it always end up that way? She found comfort in him then she would hate herself for using him that way and they'd end up fighting. Why couldn't they just stay in the comfortable phase of it all?

"Because he's really dreamy and he knows just how to touch you?" she thought.

That was true. She was definitely attracted to him, but that ended up mucking up any kind of true relationship they could have built together. Did she just really think that? If the sex wasn't in the way, could they have built something together?

She knew he was gone. He would be walking down some street, most probably on his way back to his crypt. She had this feeling she had to apologize this time. There was no malice or lust in his actions and she did ask him to stay. With a sigh she made her way to the exit and thankfully he was still by the streetcorner smoking. She walked up to him, somewhat embarrassed but she knew she had to do this.

Spike felt her coming and rolled his eyes. Wasn't it enough? Why wasn't he moving to get out of here to avoid the lecture that he knew was coming?

"Spike ... I ... "

"Save it, Slayer. Don't know how many more times I have to say sorry. I didn't mean ... "

"I know. I came here to apologize. I made you stay with me then I pushed you away. I know you were just trying to show me something."

Spike opened his mouth as if he was going to say something. His brows furrowed slightly in thought then he closed his mouth again, not sure what to say.

"Look Slayer, I know it's getting late. I can go finish off patrol and you can go home. God knows I can use a few more nasties under my belt tonight."

"Me too. We can go together." the words came out before she even fully thought about the possible complications. Well you're a little off with everything going on. Best to have back up. Right … back up.

"You sure about that? Remember what happened last time?"

Buffy instinctively touched her neck. "Well if you try that again I'll have a good reason to stake you." she said with a grin.

Spike raised an eyebrow. "As if you could."

Buffy playfully pouted her lips then started laughing. "We'll see." She stuck her hands into her jacket pockets and headed for Restfield.

Spike took another drag from his cigarette while he stuck his right hand in his duster pocket and fell in step with Buffy.


 
 
Chapter #7 - 7
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.

**


Chapter 7

… two days later …


Dawn was frantically going through every single thing in her room when Buffy came home from patrol. Buffy heard the ruckus going on upstairs and quickly rushed into her sister’s room, thinking that she was in trouble.

“Dawn?!” She was relieved to see that there was no one else in the room but her. “You gave me a scare with all the noise you were making. What’s going on?”

“I can’t find my book.”

“Book? For what?”

“I’ve got a book report due in two weeks. I was sure I had it since I bought the book weeks ago when the report was first assigned. But now I can’t find it.”

“Oh. You sure you didn’t leave it in school?”

“Don’t you think I already looked there?”

“Sorry. Just trying to be helpful.”

“Spike!” Dawn exclaimed.

“Huh? What’s Spike got to do with your book report?”

“It’s got to be with him. He was helping me out with it.”

“Why don’t you just get a new book Dawnie?”

“Because I already had notes and stuff with this book.”

“It might not be there anymore you know, remember that little accident in his crypt?”

“You mean when you blew up his stuff.”

“It had to be done!’

“Well can you get it for me please?”

“Why me?”

“Well I’ve got stuff to do after school tomorrow and I thought you had the day off.”

“Fine! I’ll go check if he still has it tomorrow. Now you better go to bed.” Buffy said pulling her sister in for a good night hug.


**

The next day, as promised, Buffy made her way towards Spike’s crypt. She shook her head wondering why she even agreed to do this. But Dawn needed the book so as the ever-loving and good sister, she was going to find Dawn’s book.

“Spike?” She heard her voice echo through the empty crypt. She quickly looked around but didn’t see any books lying around. The upstairs was surprisingly neat and orderly. With a sigh, she made her way towards the entrance to the lower level. “Spike?” She called out again but no answer. She could feel he was around but he was most probably still sleeping.

She quietly made her way down the ladder. She hoped that maybe she could look around, find Dawn’s book and get out of there before having to exchange words with Spike. She scanned the room and found a pile of books strewn in one corner. She made her way towards it.

She started going through each one, briefly scanning each cover for the title that Dawn drilled into her head that morning. She was a little taken aback at some of the titles she read. She would have never thought of Spike as being the studious type but he had books in there that she could remember were on reading lists for book reports both in high school and college. Some books were the typical classics while others looked like they were philosophical. And she saw a few Shakespeare texts here and there.

She was starting to get tired. How many books did this vampire read? And to think, this was what was left from the little explosion a few weeks back.

She grabbed one more book and read the cover. She smiled triumphantly and stood up. She went over to the little table he had and turned the small lamp on. She had to make sure this was Dawn’s and not just a pre-mature victory on her part. She read the title again then opened the first few pages and saw Dawn’s set of notes tucked away between the pages. She smiled to herself and afforded a glance across the room where she knew Spike would most probably be – in bed sleeping.

She was about ready to turn the lamp off and leave his crypt when something on the table caught her eye. It was a little spiral sketch pad. The page it was turned to at the moment only had a set of eyes on it. She studied the sketch and noticed those were her eyes now staring back at her. She remembered seeing Spike’s little obsessive altar to her to recognize that this was his work as well. The eyes that stared at her were cold and angry.

Was that how she looked to him? She flipped back through the pages, somewhat curious as to how he perceived her. He had her in a number of situations. Some were portraits while others had her either standing or what seemed like posing with a stake. Two drawings stood out from all the rest. One was with her laughing and the other was with her sleeping with a content look on her face. When did she seemed so happy?

Saying that this past year was a roller coaster was an understatement. It took her all of her self-control and tact to act like everything was okay. Aside from her rocky emotional condition of late, and all the slaying, she had duties to Dawn. She had to live in society and be constantly worried with work, bills and raising her sister. She had experienced a few snippets of amusement along the way but not seemed really happy moments. Maybe Spike drew this a while back. But the date in the corner told her she was wrong. He had drawn this just a little over a month ago.

She took a step back in disbelief. Was she actually happy just a month ago? When did Spike ever see that genuine smile on her lips and in her eyes? She regretted being back in the world of the living. So what inspired him to draw this? She thought back, filtering memories and trying to look for that one situation that could have made her happy at least for a brief moment. And she couldn’t deny that it was with Spike that she felt such moments of satisfaction. True, most of it was because of the mind blowing sex. But the feeling of being wanted and loved, … of being important to someone not because she was the Slayer but because she was just being herself. He gave her that. Maybe that should have been enough for her. But submitting herself to Spike -- by admitting that she had deep feelings for him shattered everything she ever believed in.

She knew there was a guy out there for her – one that would understand her and make her complete. She thought that that guy was Angel but he left her when she needed him the most. He made the decision to leave without really considering her feelings in the matter.

Then there was Riley. It might have worked out with him but as the years would go by, it would have just ended up in heartache because he had definite views as to how a relationship between two people was suppose to be. Besides, he’s married now and happy. And if that’s the type of girl that makes him happy, that was so not her.

Then Spike. … Spike made her question everything she ever knew about the world. How could a soulless creature claim to love her so deeply? If he could, then why couldn’t Angelus? Maybe that’s what made it hurt so much. Only a part of Angel loved her, but all of Spike declared that he cared, loved and wanted her. But she was the Slayer. She couldn’t allow herself to feel for someone like him. That’s why she had to end it. That’s why she had to keep repeating to herself that she was doing the right thing even though inside it hurt so much.

Buffy turned to look at Spike’s sleeping form. She dared to move towards him. He slept so peacefully that she wondered how a man with the face of an angel could be so violent and at times brutal. Then again, how could his hands that have killed two Slayers be so gentle towards her? His blue eyes often spoke volumes to her yet she usually dismissed everything else except lust. Why? Because maybe she wanted to justify that that was all they had between them. She saw his curly locks out of place and she couldn’t help but run her fingers lightly through his hair putting them back in place.

His sleeping form elicited a small sigh when she touched his hair. He looked so human … so kind. It was very rare that Buffy saw this in Spike. Their moments of pleasure were usually driven by lust and need. Being with Spike in that way was similar to how they fought – it was rough and passionate. She didn’t care about repercussions or tenderness. It was all about the act. That was the only time she let Spike touch her. … That was the only time she’d give him that crumb he wanted. Although she had done every imaginable fantasy with him … as much as she let him see her in her naked glory, she never opened her real self to him. Why should she? He would never had understood because she had convinced herself way back that he couldn’t love. He couldn’t really mean what he constantly declared to her. But now? She could sense the difference and the notion that perhaps she was wrong about him was starting to really nag her.

She shook her head and started to walk towards the ladder. She had stayed longer than she had wanted. Her plan was to grab the book and go, but instead she found herself looking though his stuff and then admiring his sleeping form.


“I thought we were done singing this sodding tune, Slayer” she heard from behind her.

“Just came to get something of Dawn’s.” She said not looking back, her eyes focused on the ladder.

“Right … that’s why you ‘overing over me just a minute ago.”

Blood flowed to her cheeks in embarrassment that he had sensed her presence. So she thought of the only thing she could rely on … denial. It was the best thing to cover up what she always felt. “I was not.”

“Bollocks! Stop lying Slayer. It wasn’t exactly the wind that ruffled my ‘air.”

Buffy bit her lower lip nervously. “Are you trying to start something?” Buffy said putting her resolved defiant face on as she turned towards him.

“Why? If I did, you’d only end it anyway.” He said with a smirk.

“What do you mean by that?”

“Just telling the truth. If I recall you’re the one that ended it. … You’re the one that always ended it.”

“SPIKE! Look I’m not really in the mood for this.”

“I ain’t stopping you from bloody leaving.” He said with a shrug.

Buffy gave him an icy stare before climbing up the ladder. “Stupid vampire!” he heard her say under her breath as she exited the lower level and made her way towards the crypt entrance. With a loud bang she was gone.

Spike shook his head wondering why he even opened his mouth. She was leaving and for some strange reason he wanted her to stay just for a bit longer. The sense of her being around was like a strange comfort. He knew deep down that that was the same reason why he had watched her from the shadows as she patrolled the past two days. He thought he was just going through old routines ... habits that were hard to break. But it was different. He didn’t watch her to admire her this time, nor did he do it to imagine different ways of luring her into his bed or better yet different ways they were going to play in his bed. Memories of those times would come back to him on occasion as he watched her fulfill her nightly destiny, but there was no need for him to act on any obsession or need since there was none. It was enough that he would watch over her. He had to make sure she was safe. No one else had the bloody right to harm her … no one else except maybe him.



***
A/N: Hope I'm not boring people with all the emotional stuff going on. The next few chapters will eventually show some spuffy resolution. Hope you guys are like this so far. Thanks for all the reviews and reading. Keep 'em coming! I like reviews. ^_^
 
 
Chapter #8 - 8
 
CHAPTER 8

A/N: Some dialogue taken from Two to Go


Clem came over for a little visit and Spike didn’t think nothing else of it since he had nothing else better to do. It would be good to just hang out with someone without having to worry about saying the wrong thing or a certain gesture being misconstrued as having a different meaning.

He let Clem make with the small talk as he drowned his empty existence in whiskey. He wondered what he was supposed to do now. He couldn't really be what he was because of the stupid sodding chip in his head. He even thought about maybe looking up Dru. But that didn't really sound that appealing after he thought about it some more. He felt useless, a bloody dog with no teeth. What was left? He should just fall on a stake or better yet watch his final sunrise. He couldn't live like this. He felt so incomplete. He felt so empty.

The door to his crypt creaked open and he stood still wondering who it could be.

"Spike?" a young girl called out.

"Niblet? What are you doing here?" he said as he climbed up the ladder.

"It's Tara ..." she said with tear in her eyes.

"Why? What's wrong with Glinda?"

Dawn was sobbing uncontrollably.

"Niblet? … What happened?"

"Tara ... she's ... the house ... There’s blood ... I ... She was just there … Gone … Buffy. I don't know where Buffy is."

"Alright, pet. You can stay here till the Slayer comes looking for you. Clem's downstairs."

"Spike? Why her?"

"I don't know pet."

"Can you hold me?"

Spike shook his head. "Don't think that's such a good idea. Now be a good girl. Let's go downstairs and get your mind of this."


**

Sure enough as the sun set Buffy came rushing into his crypt. Spike climbed up the ladder to meet the Slayer.

"Spike ... it's Dawn! I don't know where she is? And with … "

Spike raised his hand to stop her from talking. "She's downstairs, taking a little nap. She's still a bit shaken about Tara. Who did it?"

Buffy bowed her head and shook it from side to side. "Warren."

Spike paused smelling Slayer blood in the air. "Slayer ... you got hurt."

"It's nothing."

"Sure doesn't seem like nothing to me," he said moving to pull away her coat but she quickly stepped back from him.

"Right. ... Sorry. Well I guess Niblet has to go home." He said turning around to go down to the lower level of his crypt.

Buffy followed and breathed a sigh of relief upon seeing Dawn curled up into a ball on Spike's bed, safe and sound. Rushing to her sister's side, Buffy roused Dawn from sleep.

"Are you okay Dawnie?"

Dawn recognized her sister's voice and threw herself into her arms, tears flowing relentlessly. "Oh Buffy! Why her? Why Tara?"

"I don't know Dawnie." Buffy replied holding her sister close as she herself tried her best not to let her own tears flow.

As Dawn snuggled closer, she saw the blood stained shirt Buffy was hiding beneath her coat. "Buffy! You got hurt."

"I'm fine. Don't worry. I was just so afraid when you weren't home. I thought that maybe Willow got to you."

"Red?!" Spike finally said.

Buffy turned to look at him. "Yeah, she's a little on edge."

"Can't say I really blame her. I mean, come on Tara was ... " Spike was about to continue but decided he didn't really need to articulate the situation any further. "Right, best both of you get going I guess."

"Spike can come with us right?" Dawn asked.

"Niblet ..." Spike looked at Buffy knowing that he probably wasn't welcomed anywhere near her.

“He can help out.” Dawn reasoned.

Spike shook his head. “You best get up there Bit. Clem, can you keep her company for a sec?”

Clem nodded and helped Dawn up the ladder.


“So how bad is it?” He asked Buffy.

“I can’t be sure, but Willow’s determined. I think she went into the Magic Box and took in every single spell book Anya had.”

“Right, so I guess I better get out of her way then.” He said, hooking his thumbs into his jeans.

“Yeah. … Uhm ... We have to find Willow and since Dawn's already here I was wondering if you could look after her.”

"You sure you want to do that, Slayer?"

"Spike she feels safe with you and I can trust ... " Buffy trailed off when Spike raised an eyebrow questioning what she just said.

"Trust? Really now? Sure could have fooled me." He said taking a few steps away from her.

"Spike ... I ... "

"What do you want me to say? How sure are you I won't do anything to her?"

"You just took care of her."

"What if I wanted to wait till you came by?"

"You wouldn't do that?"

"Why?"

"Well for one the chip..."

"Ah yes... the chip. You sure put a lot of faith in this piece of metal. More faith in it than you ever did in me. You seriously think that's the only thing that kept me by your side years ago?"

"I didn't mean it that way."

"Enlighten me then. What did you mean?" he asked searching for answers in her face. "How long has it been since I've been able to hit you? But you meant something to me then. Fuck, who am I kidding. You don't even know what you bloody what. I just find it funny that even now you trust me enough to look after Dawn but I was never good enough for anything else."

Buffy unconsciously bit her lower lip but she didn't want to think about what he just said. He always had a way of showing her the truth and right now she didn't want him to be right. She knew she was using him. That's why she had to break it off because he deserved better than that. He deserved better than being used for her own pleasure. Why couldn't she take that extra step with him? She was scared. Everyone leaves. ... Everyone she loves leaves. It was easier to take from someone for once instead of being the one that people took from. Everyone depended on her except for Spike. And for his listening ear and comforting embrace she rewarded him by taking from him. Sure he didn’t mind but it wasn’t fair to both of them.

“Spike what we had was …”

Spike raised his hand motioning her to stop. “I don’t need to hear the speech anymore. Memorized it as many times as you’ve sung it. Just forget I said anything.

"Uhm ... yeah. Just for a little while, till we get everything straightened out with Willow, if that's okay."

Spike fidgeted a little bit then nervously ran his fingers through his hair. "Yeah. Yeah. That's fine."

"Thanks." Buffy said curtly then walked towards the ladder.


Instinctively Spike touched her arm to help her up. Buffy pulled away from him with a scared look on her face. But it wasn’t because of the memory of how he had hurt her not so long ago. It was the fear that she knew she could let herself go with him -- that deep down she wanted to let herself go with him. She could imagine him wrapping his strong arms around her as he told her everything was going to be alright. A part of her wanted to hear him say that he was going to protect her from anything and everything.

Spike gave her a look of shock at her reaction as he closed his eyes tightly, his teeth clenched as he tried his best not to cuss. Instinctively he had reached out for her. Why did do that? Why was his body looking for excuses to be in contact with her again? It was infuriating.

He took a deep breath before opening his eyes to see the scared look still present in Buffy's eyes. He quickly turned his back to her and occupied himself with finding another cigarette. "I'm sure you know how to let yourself out."




 
 
Chapter #9 - 9
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.

**
CHAPTER 9

A/N: Some dialogue taken from Two to Go


Dawn was pacing back and forth worried about Buffy and Willow. She wanted to help but didn’t know how. In addition to that, Spike was acting like he didn’t care. She remembered how he acted when Buffy was still dead. He was beside himself and overly protective. Now he was just there, watching TV like it was just any other night. She had to help Buffy. She was worried about Willow and she was determined to make Spike help her.

"Spike, I'm worried about Buffy and the others." Dawn exclaimed as she stood between the vampire and the TV.

"Aren't we all?!" he said sarcastically. "Now if you don't mind, I'm watching this show," he said trying to shoo her out of the way.

"But this is Buffy we're talking about and if Willow is on some vendetta, who knows what she'll do."

"Yeah, I know. She’s the Slayer and being the bloody Slayer she can take care of ‘erself. Now, if Red is as dangerous as you think she is, then you don't need to be meddling into ‘er business. Now, your sister told you to stay put. So stay put!"

"Spike! ..." Dawn whined.

"What Bit?!"

"I have an idea. Maybe we can help Buffy."

"And what makes you think I want to do that?" Spike was trying his best to control his voice. He knew that Dawn just wanted to help but she was starting to grate on his nerves. The Slayer asked him to look after her and he did. He didn't really want to agree to it in the first place but it was for Dawn. Of course now he was regretting his decision. If the little bird wanted to go out there on her own then why shouldn't he just let her? Then he could go back to his own peace and quiet. But if he let her go, she was bound to get herself into some kind of trouble. As much as he wanted to ignore it, he couldn't deny that he was still concerned about the little Bit. Why? Because of a stupid promise he made to a sodding Slayer almost a year ago? Why did that even matter? It shouldn't matter to him at all. The spell should have taken cared of that. But he still cared. It wasn't Dawn's fault. Guess the spell was more specific than he thought. A low growl rumbled in his throat in utter frustration. "What do you have in mind, Dawn?" he said finally giving in.

Dawn smiled at seeing the vampire give in to her.

**

About twenty minutes later, Spike found himself sniffing the air looking for Rack's lair. "You sure this is a good idea Bit?" he asked as he found the location of the lair. It was just around the corner from the back street they were on.

"Not really, but it's a start. I figure either Willow might be hanging out around here or at least Rack may know where she is."

"And what makes you think Rack will tell us that little piece of info?"

Dawn gave a small shrug. "Because you can be quite convincing?"

Spike shook his head as he headed for the door. He took a step, holding his hand out for Dawn to take. They both entered the receiving room of Rack's place. Dawn quickly let go of his hand and heading for the next door. She entered the room, but as soon as she stepped through the threshold, the door slammed shut behind her.

"Dawn?!" Spike bellowed out as he tried the knob.

Dawn yelped at the sound of the door slamming, turning around quickly as adrenaline started pumping through her. She frantically tried the knob but the door wouldn't budge.

"Awww... you just got here." Dawn heard from behind her.

Willow sneered at her. "I thought you were looking for me. So why are you trying to leave?"

Dawn bit her lower lip nervously, trying to think of the right words to say. "Willow... you look terrible."

"Do I?" Willow said taking a step towards Dawn.

"You're back on the magics." Dawn replied as she backed up, her senses telling her that maybe this wasn't a good idea after all.

"No honey. I am the magics."

"Did you kill that guy?" Dawn asked nervously, looking at Rack’s lifeless form.

"It's an improvement, really." She said smiling.

"I have to go." Dawn said walking past Willow towards the only exit from the room. But as she reached it, the dark witch suddenly appeared in front of her.

"Why? So you can run and tell Buffy?" Just then the door started rattling and Spike's attempt at getting through was becoming more evident. "So you brought the toothless vampire with you. Don't worry, he won't interrupt us."

"Willow listen to me. This is wrong. What you’re doing here is wrong? I miss Tara too. I miss her so much. But... "

"You miss her? Did you cry? I didn't think that was possible from someone like you."

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh come on. Don't you feel trapped in that shell of a body? Don't you want to tap into who you really are? The power you really have? I can do that for you."

"Willow stop. You're scaring me."

"It won't hurt you Dawnie. After this nothing will ever hurt you ever again."

At that moment Spike busted through the door with a loud growl. "Red, get away from her."

Willow smirked as she cocked her head to assess the vampire. "Or what? You're going to hurt me?"

"If I have to."

"Oh please, don't make me laugh Spike. You don't have any power here. You can't even touch me."

"But I can." Buffy replied stepping in front of Spike.

"Well look who we have here -- the two lovebirds."

Spike and Buffy glanced at each other.

"Oh I forgot. ... It's not love right? Just a feeling. I can hear you Buffy -- loud and clear."

"No Willow! Listen to me. You need to stop this. This isn't right. I know you're hurting. The forces inside you are strong but I know you're stronger. You have to remember who you are. You have to remember that you're still Willow."

"Why? Because I still have my soul? That's the defining criteria for good and evil right? Well that's what we've been using for the longest time against all those creatures we've been fighting against. But do you know what I've learned Buffy? ... I learned that evil is everywhere ... in everyone ... even in you -- the glorious Slayer. Look at me. Willow was weak. She was always picked on by everyone. But the only thing that made any sense in this world was Tara ... Moments with Tara. ... Being with Tara. Do you know what it feels like to lose someone like that?

"Willow, you know .... "

"Oh don't tell me about Angel or Riley. ... Did you really truly love them?"

"Don't you dare judge me through that?"

"And why not? You didn't really lose them. You let them go. Or they never loved you enough to stay. Tara loved me ... really loved me." Willow took a step forward but she was moving towards Spike.

"Now you. ... You know pain. You know have to give it but you can feel it too, right?" Willow closed her eyes in slight concentration. "I can hear your thoughts."

"Don't Red."

"Why not? Afraid I'll find something I don't know yet?

“Willow stop this. Let me help you. If you let the magics take control you’ll destroy who you are. I know you don’t want that.” Buffy interjected.

“What I want? Why of all people should you care? So what’s a little destruction and mayhem? You hate this world remember? Finding solace in the arms of the undead!”

“Willow!”

Willow stood there silently, staring Buffy down for a minute. Then she flicked her wrists and the four of them found themselves in the Magic Box. “Sorry about that. The trip could be exhausting for someone like yourself.”

Sure enough Dawn collapsed into a heap. Buffy tried to take a step forward but she stumbled. Spike felt a little woozy and placed a hand on the counter to steady himself.


Willow turned her attention to Andrew and Jonathan. “ Jonathan ... Andrew ... You boys like playing with magic, don't you? … Abracadabra." She said with an evil grin.

Sure enough with outstretched arms, Willow attacked Jonathan and Andrew. Fortunately for both of them, a protective barrier was in place.

"Okay. ... That was quite unexpected."

"Uhm ... how did that happen?" Andrew asked.

"We're alive!?" Jonathan exclaimed.

"You guys want to take it slow? I can do that too. " Willow increased her efforts.

"Willow ... Don't do it." Buffy groaned.


From behind the bookcases in the Magic Box, Anya was chanting a protective counter spell to fight against Willow's magic. Seeing their opportunity, Jonathan and Andrew tried to make a run for it but Willow closed the door on them.

Buffy shook the dizziness from her head and moved to stand between Willow and the boys. "Get out of here!" she called out to Xander.

Xander gave her a quick nod as he grabbed Dawn's hand and ushered Jonathan and Andrew out of the Magic Box. "Come on! Hurry!"

"But what about Buffy?"

"You know she can take care of herself Dawn."

Dawn gave her sister a concerned look before rushing out of the Magic Box. In truth, Xander was just as worried as Dawn. He took one more look and dreaded the fact that his two friends were most probably going to fight now. He gave a quick glance to where he knew Anya was hiding. He gave her a look of concern and a little tilt of his head.

Anya caught his look and shook her head.

“Xander!” Dawn yelled from the alley.

With a sigh, he gave Anya one more look. There was so much they had to talk about and it seemed like when they were getting somewhere, something always got in the way. Of course, this wouldn’t have been a problem if he didn’t chicken out weeks ago. He loved her. He wished he could take back what he said that day outside the Magic Box, but he couldn’t. He was hurt and he just wanted to hurt her back. He needed to make it right between them. He just hoped that once this thing was over, that maybe he and Anya could somehow work things out.

This whole thing … this Willow thing. He wanted it resolved. It was bad enough that he lost Anya, now there was a possibility he was going to lose another best friend.



A/N: Just a few more chapters to go. Hope everyone is enjoying this so far. Since this is Spuffy... we'll have Spuffy goodness eventually. I promise lots more action in the next chapter. I’m hoping to concentrate on finishing this fic first then work on Where Do I Stand? Thanks for everyone that have kept up and continued to read this fic.


 
 
Chapter #10 - 10
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.

**


CHAPTER 10

A/N: Again thanks to Joss Whedon and BTVS writers… some dialogue taken/inspired from the last two episodes of Season 6


"You have nothing further to say to me Buffy. Now move out of the way.”

“I won’t.” Buffy said standing firm. “I don’t want to hurt you Willow.”

“But I do.” Willow said stretching her arms out as lightning danced from her fingers aimed at Buffy. Fortunately, Anya's counter spell was working.

“That’s a good counter spell. Well, if I can’t do magic on you, I can do it to myself.” Willow chanted a few words, black mist swirling around her. "Maybe it’s time you got a taste of your own medicine.” she said with a devilish smile.

“Willow you don’t want to do this!”

“Oh I do. Let’s see what you’ve got Slayer.”

Buffy threw a punch aimed for Willow's face. Willow felt the impact of the blow but smiled when she felt that it didn't really hurt her. With an evil grin, the now evil Wicca returned the favor, hitting Buffy square on the jaw.

Buffy fought back any uncertainty she was feeling because she knew that if she didn’t focus on the fight at hand she would lose. She had to do this to save her best friend. She knew that if she didn’t stop her that Willow would end up going down a path that she may never be able to return from.

Anya continued chanting despite all the destruction her two friends were doing to her beloved Magic Box. She cringed slightly taking a quick peek from her hiding place. She vowed that when they got Willow back to normal she was going to make her pay for all the damages.

Willow with her magically enhanced abilities was able to gain the upper hand and throw Buffy against a wall of books. The Slayer felt the impact and she groaned in pain. Willow stood before her with an evil smirk on her face as she flicked her right hand causing the shelving behind Buffy to start moving.

Spike moved quickly, rushing towards the Slayer. He dove towards the floor, grabbing her in his arms then rolling out of the way as the large bookshelf came crashing down. He held Buffy protectively in his arms checking her over quickly to make sure she didn’t sustain any major injuries.

“Now isn’t that sweet. No matter how many times she rejects you, you still come and save her life. “ Willow said mockingly.

From behind the bookcase Willow finally saw the reason why her spells were being countered. “Looks like I was beating up on the wrong girl.” Anya looked on in fear as she watched the witch warily. She took a few steps back and continued the incantation hoping that it would help.

Willow smiled menacingly and stepped forward grabbing Anya by the throat. "You can't stop my spells if you can't chant. So why don't we put you to sleep."

"Help!" Anya cried out.

Spike looked up too late as he saw the ex-vengeance demon being forcefully thrown on a table. The table broke Anya's fall as she slipped into unconsciousness.

Willow smiled to herself at seeing Anya's still form. A number of spells ran through her head as she contemplated on casting something to make the ex-vengeance demon suffer for helping Andrew and Jonathan escape. Andrew and Jonathan. She should be concentrating on them and not wasting her magic on useless and now unconscious humans like Anya. So now the only person standing in her way would be Buffy. She turned around to see Spike holding the Chosen One close to him.

The master vampire let a low growl rumble in his throat. “You hurt her. I thought she was your friend, Red.”

“Friend? All she did was push me behind her shadow. Everything was all about her. She kept secrets from us … from me. Do you think she even fully trusted us? For crying out loud, she went to you for comfort instead of me. How could a vampire mean so much to her?”

“Bollocks! Do you even hear yourself Red?” Spike said, laying Buffy gently onto the floor before standing to his full height. “She’s given everything she has for you, the rest of the Scoobies and this sodding world. She died! … Twice!… She died to save you and this world from every apocalypse that was thrown your way. Stop this Red! Is this how you want it to end? Is this how Tara would want you to act?”

“Shut up!” Willow screamed as she used magic to fling Spike against a wall. “What do you know Spike?

“Red, you don’t want to do this!” Spike called out.

“You … of all people, you are trying to tell me this? You’re just a broken vampire. A vampire who claims to love a Slayer that can’t love him back. You should know my grief, my pain, my loss. But wait …” she paused in mid-sentence. “What’s this? A spell? You cast a spell?”

Willow started peeking deeper into Spike’s mind trying to figure out what spell he had cast. Spike closed his eyes trying to concentrate and block her from going in any deeper. But the witch’s magic was strong. As the warm blanket that covered his feelings was lifted, a pain started registering in his brain. It was a throbbing, searing pain . It was somewhere near his chest. The “x” marked wound had fully healed but now Willow had reopened it with her digging into the nature of the spell he had cast.. His mind screamed out in agony as he felt her probing even deeper into his mind. “No… Red… stop it!”

“Afraid of what I can do Spike? Funny how someone that hates magic resorts to it so easily.” She said with a smirk on her face as she continued to decipher exactly what he had done. Then realization struck as the nature of the spell revealed itself to her. “So the Big Bad had to cast a spell on himself to make him forget about loving the Slayer. But I guess I can understand that.”

“Get out of my head Red!”

“Why? I’m only sympathizing. I know how much it felt when Oz rejected me. I never understood why he claimed to love me so much but then easily turn his back on me. If it weren’t for Tara … for Tara… she was my world. “

“Get out of my head Red!” Spike cried out once more, trying to ignore the pain and the blood that he knew was slowly soaking his shirt.

Buffy groaned as she stood up. “Willow stop it!”

“Oh so the Slayer still stands. And why should I stop? I’m having fun with Spike here. Toying with him just like you.”

Buffy looked down for a second in shame.

“I wonder Buffy. If I kill Spike would that make me the real vampire slayer? To kill the one vampire that had eluded you all these years?”

“No!” Buffy cried out.

“Why not? You don’t care about him. He’s just an evil soulless creature.”

“But the chip. He can’t harm anyone.”

“Just another excuse from you Buffy.” Willow said as she levitated a piece of wood from the broken bookshelf a few feet from Spike’s chest.

Buffy rushed over to shield the vampire’s chest from the deadly piece of wood. “Don’t do it Willow!”

“Why not? He’s not human. He isn’t even alive. I’m just going to return him to what he should be. Dead and nothing but dust. Now get away from him.” And with that Buffy was hurled a few feet away from Spike, landing with a loud thud on the Magic Box floor.

“Stop that Red! Don’t you dare lay another hand on her.” Spike bellowed in anger.

Willow ignored the angry vampire’s words and made her way towards Buffy. “Why is it that you are always so lucky? You have everything. Strength ... beauty ... friends. People just seem to be drawn to you. Your Mom really cared about you. Dawn thinks the world of you. How many men have easily fallen in love with you? Angel ... Riley... Heck you can even get your enemies to love you. But what do I have? Oz left me. He promised to love me forever and then left. Am I just not good enough? Tara was all I had and now she's gone. You're just selfish Buffy. You have love here with you ... around you and yet you reject it. How could you do that? Do you know how much it hurts? You have men waiting in the wings for you and you don't even care."

"Willow ... that's not true!" Buffy said gingerly picking himself up.

"Not true? Not true? The proof is right before you. Are you that blind? How can you reject such a love? Don't you know how it feels when something like that is ripped from you? Oh, I forgot. You're the one that does the leaving. You're the one that pushes them away."

"Willow, how can you say that?"

"Don't believe me Buffy? I've seen it. You should see it. Guess it would be educational on your part. Are you ready?" Willow outstretched her right hand towards Spike. He let out another groan as Willow probed his thoughts once more. Then, she placed her left hand on Buffy's head.

"Reveal!" she commanded.

Spike screamed in pain as the spell he had cast was ripped to shreds. The comforting numbness that he had felt for a few weeks now was gone. All his emotions for Buffy came flooding back like one giant tidal wave threatening to drown him.

Buffy shuddered at the images that were running in her head. She could hear Spike. She could feel Spike.

... "Do it. Take me out of a world that has you in it." And then there were kisses -- sweet, passionate, honest. "I love you Buffy. God I love you." Then the scene was gone and all that was left was a bed and Harmony and the frightening realization that the dream was true. ...

... Then there was alcohol. There was always alcohol because it felt good to be numb. It was too confusing to think about the possibility that the dream showed what his subconscious really felt. But then he would have thoughts about Buffy... the way she moved... the way her hair billowed in the night time breeze or the way it bounced when she fought. The punches and kicks they shared made him feel so alive. He actually yearned for it. ...

... I knew I was bloody obsessed to have built a damn altar to honor the Slayer. At first I thought I could use it to find faults in her being. Learn about the enemy and what not. Examine her so well to find something to hate about her. But it only made me love her even more. Pictures ... clothing ... Her scent was etched into me and I wanted more of it. I wanted to be with her as much as I could. Part of me felt that it was intruding to be taking all these things from her. But so what? I was the Big Bad after all. I tried on occasion to talk to her. ... Just talk. ... But each time I was reminded of the fact that I could be nothing more than a killer .... nothing more than that to her. …

... She came to me for help. To me! At first it was confusing, but it was a welcome distraction from the mundane life of not being able to kill. She wanted to know about Slayers. ... I could have just lied ... could have fabricated a wild tale of how great the fight was and how much of a bad ass I was and am for killing two slayers. But for some strange reason I told her the truth and then some. I told her of my turning ... of who I was. Why did I show her the reason for my being? Was it so that maybe she would understand? … That was bloody useless. ... She said I was beneath her. ... I just wanted to hold her. I wanted to see if those lips tasted as sweet as the last time. The last time when she was mine ... when she was so happy that we were going to be wed. I wanted to see her that happy again. I wanted to see that smile that was just for me. ... Hope beyond hope that I could make her truly that happy. ... But beneath me? How dare she say such things? …

... I'll promise Buffy. I always knew I'd die in a blaze of glory. But I'll protect you.. I'll protect her. I'll do it because I love you ... because I want to see you smile again. I want to wipe that frown from your face and make you laugh. …

...Twenty days... Has it really been that long? That long since I failed? No! ... I didn't fail.. I saved her last night and I'll save her again tonight.. I just need to believe it. …

... Fifty-seven days now ... Nibblet should be asleep by now. Helped her with homework. But her scent still lingers in this house.. Why do I torture myself like this? I just want her here, even if it's to kick my ass. ... I just want to see her again. …

... One hundred seventeen days ... Whiskey ... Whiskey ... Need the numbness, but memories always find a way of cutting through the haze of alcohol. How many tears have I cried now? She'd laugh at me for mourning so much for her. Dawn. … Have to be strong for Dawn. Have to fulfill that promise I gave to Buffy because if I do that, then at least that was one thing that she wouldn't look down upon. I wouldn't be beneath her. …

... She's back! ... My sunshine was back. ... I wanted to hold her and tell her it was okay. I wanted to show to her that I kept my promise but her friends got in the way. ...

... She was in heaven. She was happy. And though it hurt a little that she hated being here I sympathized at her loss. What can I do to make her smile again? I can see it in her eyes. She hates this world. She doesn't want to be here. What can I do? ... I'd show her the world if she'd let me. But I know that's just wishful thinking. I wish she'd let me hold her. Bah! … I'll just watch her window and make sure she’s safe. ...

... A kiss... She kissed me. And here I thought the place was going to sodding hell with all the singing and dancing. Fell into it I did. Damn demon got me singing my heart out to her and what did she do? I should have killed her. Well no, if I did, then I wouldn't have felt her kiss me. ...


...Slayer flesh beneath me. ...Warmth ... Scent ... Need ... Passion. I wanted it all. I wanted to show her that I love her ... that I worshipped her. .... But it meant nothing to her. I'll make her see ... make her feel what I feel. Each time I touched her, it wasn't because I wanted to feel pleasure. It was because I wanted to show her I loved her. … Nothing worked. Each time she'd run away from me. I’d lay my heart bare and she'd throw it back in my face. All I want is for her to be happy. That was enough for me. I'd take whatever she'd give me and rationalize inside my head that that was enough. I'd do whatever it takes to be with her. I bloody changed for her. ... Why can't she see that? why can't she see that when I hold her and take her, it's not just about lust. It wasn't just sex. ... Not for me. ...


... I can't live like this. I can't have her swimming around in my head anymore. I hate this feeling. Wish I could just turn it off. Turn it off. ...

... What the fuck did I just do? Better yet, why the hell am I feeling guilty over this? I hurt her. How could I do that? The look on her face right before she left me outside the Magic Box felt like she ran me through with a sword. Would have been better if she staked me. Then I wouldn't have to feel like this. Have to apologize now. Have to make her understand what happened. It was all her fault. Pushing me away ... lying to herself that she didn't love me. ... Bollocks! I just want her back. Maybe she'll see. Maybe she'll understand. ... And if not, then I should just forget about it all. That's what she wanted right? I'll give her what she wants because I love her so much. ... I'll shut away that part of me for all eternity. ...




Buffy felt him. She felt the roller coaster of his emotions ... the overwhelming feeling of love he had for her. She looked on in shock at the images being projected in her head. Her eyes fell on Spike. Why had she shut him out every single time? Each time he tried to reach out to her and she perverted it into nothing but a meaningless bout in bed. Sure he had a thing to do with it but she took more from him -- forced him into it even. She used his feelings of love to take what she needed. The last image she saw was his utter sorrow at the realization of almost raping her. She felt a tinge of happiness at the fact that he felt so guilty over what he did. He should. He was wrong to have tried to force himself on her, but at the same time it was starting to make sense what drove him to do it. Given what had happened, she could imagine herself doing the exact same thing. It was still wrong but she was starting to understand the reasoning behind it. ... Spike. ... He was always beside her. He was the only one that, no matter what, understood her and accepted her without questions. He loved her for who she was, for all her strengths and even all her faults.

Tears started falling down her face.

"Now how was that?" Willow asked with slight venom in her voice.

"Happy now Willow? " Buffy looked at her angrily.

"Not quite. I'll finish you, then him. Then I can finish off what I started." Willow picked Buffy up by the throat and started to squeeze.

Then with a feral growl, Spike though weak from blood loss pulled what little strength he had left to stand up. "Don't you dare do it, Red!”

"Make me Spike!"

Spike shifted into demon visage and rushed at Willow. His speed so quick that the witch wasn't even able to put up a spell as she was also preoccupied with Buffy. He knocked Willow from Buffy. " I told you not to lay a finger on her!" Spike wrapped his arms around Willow tightly and clenched his jaws as Willow's magically enhanced body tried to free itself from his grasp.

With an icy stare, the witch used magic to pull the vampire's arms away from her. "Well if you don't want to see me hurting her, I'll just kill you first." With that, she freed herself from Spike and flung him across the room.





A/N: Just two more chapters to go. Thanks for all the reviews. Hope you like this longer chapter guys. Keep on reviewing!
 
 
Chapter #11 - 11
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.

**



CHAPTER 11

A/N: Again, thanks to Whedon and BTVS writers. Some dialogue from the last episode of Season 6.


Willow leered at the vampire when he hit the opposite wall with a loud thud. She was feeling pretty pleased with herself. It wouldn’t be long now. She’d get rid of the pesky Scoobies that were in her way then she’d finally get to exact her revenge on Jonathan and Andrew.

"Vincire!"

A bright ball of green light engulfed Willow, trapping her and her powers in some sort of force field.


Buffy picked herself up and looked towards the doorway where she saw the flash of light that had engulfed and trapped her best friend. Relief washed over her at the sight of who it was. "Giles!" she said running towards him and hugging him tightly.

“Buffy … need to breathe…”

“Sorry!” she said releasing him. “I’m just so glad to see you.”

Giles smiled at her tenderly. “I missed you too.”

Buffy looked at Willow who was now gently floating in the middle of the Magic Box, limp and surrounded by greenish light. “What did you do Giles?"

"I contained her and her powers in a binding field. I just hope that it’s enough to hold her. "


A few feet away from the happy reunion, Spike groaned in pain.

"Spike!" Buffy said rushing towards the fallen vampire.

The Watcher looked at the couple curiously.

Buffy knelt beside the master vampire and gently pulled his head onto her lap. She looked him over, noting that he seemed paler than usual. She accidentally placed a hand on his chest which made him yelp loudly in pain. Her palms felt wet and slightly sticky and she turned it upward to see what it could be. It was thick and it was red. It was blood and it was only then that she noticed the small pool of blood that was slowly growing larger beside Spike.

"Did Willow do this?"

Spike chuckled weakly. "You're so smart, pet! Can't get anything past you."

Buffy glared at him as she unbuttoned his shirt and looked on in horror at the x-shaped wound that didn't seem to stop bleeding. This wasn't possible. It didn't look like anything but a shallow knife wound. It was nothing a vampire would have problems with but it kept on bleeding.

"Giles?!"

The Watcher looked over as he helped the ex-vengeance demon up to her feet. "What's wrong Buffy?"

"It's Spike. This wound. It won't heal."

Curiosity got to the Watcher and he made his way towards his Slayer. He bent down to examine the wound she was referring to. “Seems like a shallow enough cut. It is quite puzzling why it hasn't at least stopped bleeding."

"What did Willow do?" Anya chimed in.

"She must have done a spell. ..." Buffy said half lying. She didn't think it was important to clue them in on Willow showing her exactly how Spike felt.

"It's ... the ... spell... Willow ... cast ... ripped it. She tore it up." Spike said weakly.

"What's Spike talking about or is he just being delirious? Why would Willow remove a spell from Spike? I don't remember hearing her cast one on Spike to begin with."

"That's because she didn't. … Spike did." Buffy said solemnly.

"So that's why you two have been acting really weird towards each other lately."

"Uhm ... why exactly would Spike need to cast a spell?" Giles asked as he removed his glasses to clean them.

"Well you see Spike and Buffy were giving each other orgasms in secret. But Buffy stopped it and Spike was looking for a spell that ... uhm ... day. … Yeah, he wanted something to ease the ache. So now I'm assuming he found one, right Buffy?"

Buffy could only nod in agreement as she found herself holding on to Spike's right hand and not really wanting to let go. She felt it. She felt everything that he had felt. ... She felt all the love that he had for her. She couldn't deny it now. She couldn't hide behind her chosen mantra about him being soulless and unfeeling. And despite everything that she had done to him, despite the number of times she had pushed him away, he still cared. Even through the spell that numbed him, he still cared.

She had dreamed of a love this strong for so long. Deep down she knew that Spike might be the one. But everything and everyone around her told her it was wrong and foolishly she allowed herself to believe it. She finally understood. She finally saw with clarity what she had with him and now it might not mean a thing if she was going to lose him.

"Giles, you can do something right?"

"I can try, not that I'm going to be particularly found of this idea ... but …" Giles placed a hand over Spike's chest and mumbled a few incantations. The Watcher's hand started to glow and light started to move from his hand to the vampire's chest. The wound stopped bleeding and started healing immediately. Satisfied, Giles moved his hand away. Soon as the Watcher’s hand left the wound, the vampire’s skin seemed like it was being sliced apart, and blood started oozing out of the wound once more.

Spike clenched his jaws together not wanting to scream in front of the lot of them even though the pain felt almost unbearable. It felt like a knife was being twisted into his flesh.

"This is highly unusual."

"Which spell did he cast?" Anya asked.

"I don't remember the words. There was something about sealing his feelings ... and there was blood and this metallic powder."

“Anything else?”

“Candles, pet. … Got a bunch of … them.”

“Remember any of the incantation, Buffy?”

“Uhm … something about sealing his feelings. … Forgetting it until … uhm … I think the last line had dust or bone.”

“Hmmm. … That sounds like it’s one of those conditional spells. It’s a spell that involves a certain action that has to be performed in order for the spell to work.”

“Ah yes,” Giles said taking his glasses off once again to clean them. “But those spells can easily be countered. That doesn’t explain what’s going with Spike here.”

“I’ve done a few conditional wishes in my time. I understand how the principle works. We have a couple of options. We can ask Willow to reinstate the spell she destroyed, which seems highly unlikely she’ll do. We cast a counter spell to negate the spell that was in place, but Spike has to cast it. Or we have to find a way to just negate the condition altogether.”

“Huh? Can you please repeat that in English for those of us that don’t do any of the magics?” Buffy exclaimed.

“It’s simple really.” Anya said with a tinge of excitement. “Spike cast a spell to numb him until a certain condition is met, which I’m assuming means till he meets a dusty end. But since Willow ripped the spell, well more like the seal apart, as I can see is the case based on the ogle eyes Spike is giving you through all the grunting and pain, the spell is now trying to fulfill its condition. The seal would be in place till he dies. Since there’s no more seal, he has to die.”

“Bloody ‘ell!” Spike managed to say somehow.

“We have to help him!” Buffy pleaded.

“Well can we at least move him into the back? You don’t know how hard it is to clean blood and after all of this I don’t want to have to close the Magic Box for an extra day just to clean blood from the floor.” Anya quipped.


**

“Buffy is everything okay?” Giles asked as Buffy put the phone down.

“Dawn’s fine. Jonathan and Andrew gave them the slip, so Xander is taking Dawn home. I didn’t think it was best that they come back here.”

“That sounds wise.”

“What are we going to do about Willow?”

“This magic that I have is borrowed magic. A coven in Devon sensed the rise of an evil power here in the Hellmouth. They had a seer there that saw a vision of what happened to Tara. They then lent me their magic and I hurried over here. The coven is currently working on a way to safely remove Willow’s powers without ... uhm ... physically harming her."

"Do you think they'll be able to do it?"

"I hope so Buffy. I hope so for all our sakes."

She nodded, her teeth nibbling on her lower lip. “And Spike?”

“I had a couple of ideas but none of them seem to work. We tried a couple of counter spells but nothing. I’m sorry.”

Buffy started biting her lower lip, obviously worried with what Giles just told her. She took a deep breath before walking past him and into the training room. As she opened the door, she found Spike trying to stand by supporting himself against a wall.

“Just what do you think you’re doing?”

“What does it look like, luv? Am Standing … trying anyway.”

“Spike, in your condition…”

“Thanks for the concern, pet, but I’ll be fine.” No sooner had he spoken those words that his right knee buckled.

Buffy rushed over to him. “You’re in no condition to be moving about.”

“No need for the pity trip, Slayer. This is what I get for not following my own advice about mojo.”

“I’m sorry.” Buffy blurted out.

“Don’t, Buffy. Don’t start that again. I get it okay. I know you’d never love me. I know that I’ll be nothing more than your dirty little secret. I thought I was okay with that, but … Bugger! We’ve been through this before.” He raised his left hand to cup her cheek fully expecting her to step away from him. To his surprise she leaned into his hand.

“Is that how you really saw me?”

“Huh?”

“You’re feelings … memories … I mean I heard you say it before but, your words …your …” Buffy really wasn’t sure what she wanted to say. Willow had made her see what was truly in Spike’s heart. She had felt it all.

She felt Spike’s uncertainty and slight nervousness each time he was around her. There was the quiet resolve in his being when he accompanied her to her house that night they faced Glory. Then, there was grief at seeing her dead body when she jumped to save them all. He was so torn inside and it made Buffy feel like she couldn’t breathe when that memory crossed her mind. His grief was compounded by the seemingly endless days and nights without her. She knew that the last thing he wanted was to stay in Sunnydale. Everything here somehow reminded him of her, and having to protect Dawn didn’t help any. The house still smelled of her, but Spike subjected himself to it. He buried his grief for a few hours to make sure he kept his promise and kept Dawn safe. She heard him think out loud that if he could just kept his word, that he was being the man she would have wanted … could have loved .

Then she felt his moments of momentary joy – when he saw her alive, when she had given him a crumb and kissed him, when lust took over and he found himself with her, beside her, in her. Each time they’d kiss or she’d let him touch her, he was in heaven. But she knew now it was beyond lust. True, he wanted to take her night after night, but it was more of an expression of wanting to show her how much he loved her, more than physical pleasure. It was just that that was the only way she would allow him to be with her. She shut him out from any possible type of real relationship with her. So he waited, hoping she would come around and see him and his love for what it truly was.

Then there was the feeling of his self-loathing for having hurt her, not once, but twice in a span of a few days. He was angry and frustrated and just wanted to forget.

Then finally, the desperation that drove him to go through with the spell. He hadn’t intended to force himself on her. He wanted to make her feel for him again. That was how their relationship started, and stupidly he thought, if he could just make her scream his name in ecstasy it would be like it was before. She screamed alright. He caused it too, but it wasn’t because of pleasure.

He did the spell. He did it not so much for himself, because loving her though painful made him feel alive and that felt good. He did it because he was Love’s bitch. He did it so that he could stop hurting her. He felt that this way was the best way to show just how much he really cared. He was going to do what she had asked him to do. He was going to move on. He was going to squash his love for her and seal it for all eternity. He would willing kill that part of himself that felt like he belonged in this world so that she could be free.

“ … So I can be free. You … The spell. ... You cast the spell for me.”

He nodded slowly. “I found the spell, but I was ‘oping that maybe I could still win you back. Then I acted like a … There aren’t enough words to describe what kind of a wanker I was. I knew then I had to do it. I ‘ad to do it to give you your life back. Like you said, I was just convenient. I couldn’t stop Buffy. Even with what ‘appened in the … out there … with Anya, I found out that there was no moving on for me. There was only you and I couldn’t ‘ave you.”

The pain on his chest was stinging. “Maybe you should tell Rupes and Anya to stop looking for a spell. Maybe this is ‘ow it should be, luv. I’ll be out of your ‘air for good.”

Buffy shook her head. “What if I don’t want you to be gone? What if I want you here with me?”

“Don’t play with me, Slayer. It’s time we got off this roller coaster.”

She leaned closer to him and gently pressed her lips against his. At first, Spike was too shocked to react but as her lips conveyed her need, he closed his eyes and returned her affection.

She finally broke contact and gave him a small smile. “Bite me.” She said under her breath.

“Buffy?”

“Did I stutter? You heard me. I’m the Slayer. My blood should be able to help you.”

“No… I’ve lost so much. … I might end up …”

“Don’t Spike.”

“Don’t?”

“Don’t be like the others. Don’t tell me what I can and cannot do as if I was a small child. Now, bite me!”

Spike hesitated for a moment, then leaned down and sunk his fangs into her neck in the same spot he bit her before. Slayer blood spilled into his mouth and it felt right. This felt right. He was losing himself in the feel of her body against his and the taste of her blood as it coated his tongue before traveling down his throat. He wondered if she knew exactly what she had done. She had offered her blood to him out of her own free will.

Buffy waited for the pain of his fangs entering her flesh but the pain hardly registered in her brain. This was so different from the time she offered herself to save her lover at the time – Angel. She knew Angel wanted to be gentle but the need for and anticipation of Slayer blood made him lose control just a tiny bit. He had held her possessively, almost too tightly. But this was nothing like that. Despite the pain which she could tell Spike was in, he was gentle. His hands were on her arms, squeezing slightly not out of possessiveness but because he was too weak to hold himself up. She knew his demon was relishing the taste of her with the way his tongue was lapping up her essence. But he pulled slowly, savoring the gift she gave him.

He pulled away from her, licking his lips clean. She looked at him quite puzzled. Angel had pulled more from her. She didn’t know when Angel stopped drinking or when he claimed that they fell to the floor, because she had blacked out before any of that happened. Spike didn’t take much from her at all. She felt a little dizzy but nothing more. His eyes looked at her tenderly.

She gave him a puzzled look, wondering why he had stopped drinking. She leaned into him once again, but he gently held her at arms length.

“Spike, you need more.”

“No.” he said shaking his head slightly. “Don’t want to ‘urt you. Would never want to ‘urt you, luv.”

“I know Spike. You would never do that. In the end, you always thought about me and what would make me happy. You did it, you know.”

“Did what, pet?”

“You made me happy. … It scared me. It made me question everything I had believed in. It was easier to think that our relationship was nothing more than physical because if I truly let you in then I felt like I was going to lose who I was. I realize now that you were always there for me. I know that no matter what you would never abandon me. I pushed you away because if my relationships with Riley and Angel didn’t work, then how could one with a soulless vampire ever work. It would have just ended up with me getting hurt and I didn’t want that.”

“And now, pet?”

“You told me that real love burns and consumes but that trust wasn’t necessarily in the equation. I told you that a love that burns and consumes will only destroy everything till there’s nothing left. We were both wrong. What we had Spike wasn’t right. It wasn’t right because real love, … true love, does burn and consume because both parties trust the other totally that they aren’t afraid to lose a part of themselves to become complete with each other.”

He tilted his head to one side, wondering what she was getting at, refusing to let a part of him hope because he was sick and tired of hoping and waiting.

“I don’t want you gone, Spike. I want you here.”

“Why? You don’t really need me around.”

“Yes I do. I need you because I realize now, only you can complete me.”

Spike’s brow furrowed, looking at her questioningly.

“I’m ready now. I want you to show me. I want you to teach me.”

“Teach you what, Buffy?”

“About love.”

Spike couldn’t believe his ears. He was convinced that he was hallucinating from blood loss because there was no way in hell that Buffy was just admitting this to him. But he felt her soft lips brushing against his again and a certain calmness was washing over him. The slight ache in his head was gone and his chest was no longer stinging. He pulled back from her in disbelief as he pulled his shirt away to reveal the x-marked wound slowly healing. The bleeding had stopped and his skin was knitting itself together.

Buffy smiled and leaned her head against his chest. “Stay with me?”

Spike lifted her chin up. “I love you,” he said before pulling her in for a passionate kiss.




**
A/N: Just one more chapter left to tie up all the loose ends. Thanks for reading guys and love all the reviews.
 
 
Chapter #12 - 12
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.

**


CHAPTER 12

“Hey guys, I can’t find a counter spell so we’ll just have to find the condition that Spike said used.” Anya said as she walked into the training room with her head bent down looking at the book in her hand. “I found a memory spell so that Spike could tell us exactly what he …” She stopped mid-sentence, seeing that the Slayer and master vampire were in their own little world. “Well I'm guessing Spike is feeling much better now. So I'm going to be leaving before I start hearing orgasms.”

Anya turned around and closed the door behind her, just as Giles came from the front of the store.

“Is everything okay? Have you found something that can help?”

Anya smiled whimsically. “Uhm.. I didn’t find anything but I don’t think we’ll need it anymore.”

“Why? Doesn’t Spike need something?”

Anya shook her head. “Nope, not anymore. They’re both okay but I wouldn’t go in there if I were you. … So how long can we keep Willow like that?”

“Hopefully we don’t have to wait too long. The coven should be ready soon. “



back in the training room

Buffy wrung the washcloth she had brought in earlier. She started cleaning his chest, washing away the blood stains that had formed. When she was done, Spike caught her hand and placed a gentle kiss on it.

She couldn’t help but smile at the small gesture.

"Are you sure about this, luv?"

Buffy placed a hand on his cheek and smiled. "No more running for Buffy. No more pushing away."

Spike turned his head to kiss the palm of the hand that was touching him. Then, he tilted her head, exposing his bite mark on her neck. "It looks good on you. It makes me feel all manly that you're wearing my mark."

She answered him with a slight smirk. "You're getting ahead of yourself again Spike."

"But I love you."

"I know Spike." She leaned in and rested her head once more against his chest, finding comfort in being close to him. "I love you too." she whispered into his cold chest.

Spike wrapped his arms around her and planted a kiss on her hair. He held her there for a moment, basking in the knowledge that this time Buffy wasn't going to run away. But his bliss was short lived. Something was going on outside. The hairs behind his neck were tingling. His senses were telling him that magic was involved.

"Red ..."

"Huh?" Buffy said pulling away from him. Then she heard it herself. There was the sound of some sort of commotion outside.

Both of them rushed outside in time to see Giles desperately trying to hold his own against Willow. But it was to no avail. She was able to get close to the Watcher and drain him of the magic she needed to restore her strength. With an evil grin, she turned to Buffy. "You want me to work through my grief but I think I found a better solution." Smoke appeared beside Willow as two bodies began to materialize.

The smoke soon dissipated to reveal a very bewildered Dawn and Xander who were both surprised that they were both back in the Magic Box.


"Anya!" Xander cried out as he rushed towards his ex-fiancé who was unconscious on the floor for the second time today.

"Buffy!" Dawn said as she ran towards her sister only to be stopped by some force that was pulling her back to Willow.

"Let her go Willow!" Buffy cried out.

"Oh I will, once I get what I want from her. You see, I know I can't bring Tara back, but I think I found another way to be with her."

"What are you planning Red?"

"Well Dawnie here is the key right. She's the key to thousands of dimensions. Tara should exist in at least one of those places. So I'm just going to borrow your sister for a little bit Buffy. Then I can move on."

"Willow, you can't do that. That's Dawn. She’s my sister. She's human. She's not a thing Willow. She's human!"

“But she wasn’t always human. I’m just restoring the order of things.”

“This isn’t right, Will. You know this isn’t right.”

“If you haven’t noticed, I really don’t care. I love her and I’ll do anything to be with her again.”

“We loved her too, Will. We all miss her.”

“This is life, Red. There are just some things you shouldn’t being messing with. And you’re talking about opening dimensions … destroying the world. That sounds like Glory. Don’t do this Red. You’ll destroy yourself. Do you really think Glinda would want this?”

“Well I didn’t hear you complain when I used magic to bring Buffy back. Besides, it seems like you could care less about anybody else at the moment, seeing that you already have what you want.” Willow said staring at Buffy’s and Spike’s intertwined hands.

Spike was about to pull his hand away from Buffy’s but she wouldn’t let him. She held on tightly, giving him a small smile. “No running away, remember?” she whispered.

The master vampire smiled as he gently squeezed his girl’s hand in appreciation before turning once more to the problem at hand. “This ‘as got nothing to do with me and for the record I do care. If I didn’t, I would ‘ave just let every single nasty out there get their ‘ands on you and the rest of the Scoobies. I know a number of them would love to just ‘ave at it with the Slayer’s friends. And before you even start, I didn’t do it to get close to Buffy. Remember, she was out of the picture this time last year. I ‘elped you guys out. I fought beside you because I cared.”

Willow shook her head. “None of you could ever understand the pain.”

“I do, Red. You should know that since you went inside my head. But what you’re thinking of isn’t the answer.”

“Willow, Tara’s gone. She’s in a better place and you know that. I’m sure she’s in heaven, Will.” Buffy pleaded.

“I can’t live without her. No one loved me like her.”

“We love you, Will.” Xander said.

“No. Not like her. No one saw me like she saw me.”

“We see you, Will. I see you. I’ve seen you since we were kids. Please, let it go. I wish I could tell you everything is going to be easy and alright. But I’m not going to lie to you. I know you’re hurting, but we’re here for you. Please, Will. Don’t do this. Don’t destroy yourself and all that’s left of Tara.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Will, when you love someone, they become a part of you.” Buffy interjected looking up at Spike briefly. “Just as Tara was important to you, I’m sure you were important to her. You two made each other happy … complete. She’ll always be with you and she’ll live on in you and your memories. Don’t destroy what she loved about you by giving in to the darkness. She loved all of us Will. Will you destroy everything that she loved?”

“But it hurts…” she said, tears threatening to flow.

“You were lucky to have felt and touched true love with Tara. Don’t erase that memory by doing this.” Xander said.

Tears started streaming down the witch’s cheeks as she let Dawn go. The former key rushed towards Buffy and held onto her older sister tightly.

Xander gave Anya a tender look and helped her up before turning to look at his best friend weeping uncontrollably now. Anya placed a hand on his arm and nodded. Xander gave her a small smile then made his way towards his best friend and pulled her into a comforting embrace.

“Why does it have to hurt so much?” Willow asked to no one in particular.

Xander couldn’t really give an answer and just held her close to him, hoping it would be enough for at least now.


**

Willow made her way down the stairs, followed by Xander who was carrying her luggages.

“I’ll go load these in the car.”

“Thanks Xander.” Willow called after him before turning to Buffy and Dawn.

“Have a safe trip!” Dawn said cheerfully.

“Are you going to be okay, Will?”

She nodded. “It’s not going to be easy, but I think this will be good for me. Just a few months away from here and I’ll get to see my sisters. I’ll be back before you guys know it.”

“BLOODY ‘ELL!” all three of them heard from the kitchen.

Spike walked into the living room, dusting himself off and making sure he wasn’t burning anywhere. He gave all three women his signature grin.

“What are you doing here, Spike?” Buffy said playfully annoyed.

“Didn’t come ‘ere to see you, Slayer. Came to see Red.”

“Oh, uhm ... well... I guess that’s sweet. Thanks Spike. Well I better go, Xander’s out there with Anya. They’re either fighting or smooching at the moment and whichever it is you know it will take me around five minutes to pry those two apart.”

Dawn gave Willow a hug. “Take care.”

Buffy then leaned in to give her best friend a farewell hug. “I know he’s all evil and soulless, but he really loves you and who am I to get in between that?” Willow whispered into Buffy’s ear.

“Thanks Will.”

Willow then turned towards Spike. “Thank you,” she said with a small smile. “Hurt her and I’ll turn you into a toad or something ickier!”

Spike raised his hands up in mock surrender. “Would never dream of it, Red.”

“See you guys in a few months.” Then she headed out the door and Buffy followed her up to the front porch. She waited till they pulled out of her driveway before stepping back into the house.

“So can someone drop me off at the mall? There’s this sale there for ...” Dawn stopped in mid-sentence seeing Spike and Buffy staring at each other. “Gah… guess I’ll be at Janice’s if anyone cares.”

“You really came over to see Willow off?”

“Among other things.” He said, raising his eyebrow suggestively.

“You know for a vampire, you sure don’t follow the rules. Vampires are supposed to be awake during the night and asleep during the day.”

“Well, rather fancy being unconventional I guess.”

“How unconventional are you willing to be?”

“Huh? What are you getting at luv?”

“Well, Willow will be gone for a few months and uhm … she said that she wanted to exchange rooms with me when she got back. That means I’ll be moving into my Mom’s old room. But her room just seems a little big for one person and since part of your job description will now officially include looking after my sister, I was thinking maybe you’d want to move in here with us.”

“Job description, pet? Vampires don’t have jobs.”

“Well yeah they don’t, but you’re no ordinary vampire.”

“What makes me different, luv?”

“You have a Slayer for a girlfriend.” She said a little embarrassed.

Spike started to grin uncontrollably as he pulled Buffy into his arms and crushed her lips with his own.


The End.


**
A/N: Hope you guys enjoyed this. I know that someone was interested in a sequel. Strangely enough I actually have an idea for one but I've got a few WIP that I want to finish first plus I actually want to start on the Rebellion sequel. Thanks for all the reviews and for the encouragement. This fic was originally suppose to be only a one chapter deal and it ended up being 12 chapters long. That's thanks to the inspiration I got from all you readers.