full 3/4 1/2   skin light dark       
 
Return to You by Thianna
 
1 - Slayer and Watcher
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.


Chapter 1 - Slayer and Watcher

With a quiet sigh, Buffy looked out the window as disinterested as the students seemed to be that were sitting before her. She really wasn’t suppose to be here, preferring her corner in the counselor office, but they couldn’t find a sub today so she had to sit here and watch the students do math problems all day. She let them work in groups if they wanted as long as they kept the noise down.

It was a sunny day out and everything seemed perfect. But then again, that’s how it always looked during the day. At night it was a different story as the things that go bump in the night, well … do go bump in the night. But overall it hadn’t been too bad. It had been three years since the Hellmouth incident in Sunnydale and around one year since that fiasco in Los Angeles. Of course, she was in Europe when the fiasco in Los Angeles happened, but from what she heard from Giles and Willow, it was pretty intense. It seemed like Angel pulled off some miracle and pretty much crippled the Wolfram and Hart in the City of Angels.

The bell rang for the last time today and the students hurriedly packed their things and started filing out the door. “See you Ms. Summers”, she heard in different voices and she smiled and nodded at them. The last one still in the room was the new girl. Buffy had met her just yesterday. Her name was Emily Pratt and she moved to California all the way from England. She seemed a little shy, her long light brown hair braided neatly behind her and her clothes were fashionable but not flashy.

“Uhm.. Ms. Summers,”

“Yes, Emily” Buffy said with a smile.

“I was wondering if you could help me out tonight with some stuff”

“Stuff?”, Buffy said, her eyebrows raising. “Uhm… is it about adjusting over here? I know things must be really different from what you’re used to in England, but I’m sure if you give it time you’ll fit right in.”

Shaking her head furiously, Emily bit her lip nervously. “ Uhm… no I mean… well… my … uhm …”

“It’s okay. Don’t be afraid. I don’t bite you know!” Buffy said enthusiastically.

Emily took in another deep breath. “ My Watcher told me that … I should ask you, if you didn’t mind, to go patrolling with me.”

As soon as the word watcher passed her lips Buffy wanted to just hit her head on the table. Ofcourse, how could she have been so stupid. Giles mentioned something about a new Slayer coming to town. The Hellmouth in Cleveland wasn’t really acting up yet but Giles wanted to make sure that enough Slayers were trained and ready. She didn’t do as much patrolling as she did in the old days. Once in a while Amanda or Jessica would “invite” her to go with them but during those times she acted more like teacher than Slayer. With a comforting smile Buffy nodded her head. “I’ll call Amanda and Jessica and see if they can come to. You might as well meet them. Tell your Watcher to come as well. We’ll meet near the gym tonight, around 7 o‘clock. Is that okay?”

Emily nodded then took off.

***
Buffy had been on her cellphone non-stop for the past half hour. First it was Amanda saying she couldn’t make it tonight. Then it was Dawn, checking in, then saying all she was doing tonight was studying. Buffy knew better. There was either a party in one of the college dorms or Dawn was probably going with Amanda on patrol, but she knew that they were both capable of taking care of themselves. Jessica then called saying she was grounded which pretty much meant can’t make it till I sneak out at around 11 tonight. As Buffy headed towards the school, she wondered what Giles’ new recruit was like. The Watcher’s council was far from being what it was. With only a few members, there weren’t enough Watchers for each Slayer. He did mention something thought that if this Watcher worked out that maybe he could double for Jessica as well, relieving Buffy of the responsibility of training her.

Parking her car, Buffy made her way to the gym but didn’t see anyone there. She glanced at her watch. It was 6:55 pm. She was still early so she settled down on one of the benches and waited.

Emily came running soon enough.

“Sorry I’m late Ms. Summers! My Watcher said we couldn’t leave ‘til I was done with my English homework.” Emily said between breathes.

“That’s okay Emily. And you don’t need to call me Ms. Summers … to formal, you know. Just call me Buffy, okay?”

“Okay!” Emily’s eyes wandered to Buffy’s bag of goodies with eagerness.

“I thought you said you’re Watcher was coming?”

“Ooh.. he’s waiting in the car.” Emily said, turning around and heading back towards the parking lot. Buffy followed and smiled as the young Slayer opened the car door for her before she climbed in the back. As Buffy settled into the vehicle, her nose wrinkled as the smell of cigarettes hit her.

“Nice to finally meet you, Slayer. Name’s Collin.” His inflection on the word Slayer and the fact that he called her that and not Buffy or Ms. Summers made her freeze. She looked up to see brown curly locks, blue eyes and a smug grin. “Spi … “, She caught herself in time before she finished the name. It wasn’t possible. Shaking her head she dismissed any notions and just tried to concentrate on the now.

“Anything wrong Buffy?” He said seeing her head shake. “It’s okay to call you Buffy right?”, he said, putting the car into gear and driving towards the street.

“Uhm yeah”, she said smiling weakly then turning away to look at where he was taking them.

***
Collin took them to the cemetery – popping the trunk as he parked the car. Emily quickly got out and rummaged through the back for some weapons. Buffy watched carefully at the two as they got themselves ready. Emily looked both eager and nervous while Collin calmly waited for his charge as he lit a cigarette. He looked nothing like what a typical watcher should be. He was nothing like Giles or Wesley. No tweed pants, no pressed shirts nor tie. He had tight black jeans and a blue turtleneck. He wore two small crosses, one around his neck, and the other on his belt buckle. He was leaning against a tree, one leg bent with his foot against the trunk.

It was really eerie looking at him. He looked so much like Spike that it was disconcerting. But it was impossible and Buffy knew it was more of wishful thinking on her part. Spike was gone. It took her a while to get over the fact that he actually sacrificed himself for them – for her three years ago. She silently mourned for him. Once in a while finding herself crying in the middle of the night out of guilt…out of loss. She felt empty without him and despite having one or two relationships here and there, nothing really had come close to what she had with Spike. He knew her more than she cared to admit back then. Angel loved her and still loves her and Buffy knew that Angel would never completely be gone from her heart. But Spike … Spike loved her with every fiber of his being. He made no excuses for his feelings and despite his selfish nature, he gave her everything he had.

Then Andrew said that he was alive ... well back … But she didn’t want to face him them. She wasn’t ready yet and when she finally got the courage to admit it.. when she finally wasn’t pigheaded about it anymore he was gone. Angel said he was happy… “as happy as Spike can get”. He wouldn’t tell her all the details of what happened and she could only guess that maybe Spike wanted to keep it from her.

The sound of Emily shutting the trunk brought Buffy back to the moment at hand. Emily handed Collin a long bow and a quiver of arrows while she held one stake firmly in her right hand, and stuffed another one between her belt and her jeans.

“How much experience have you had, Emily?” Buffy asked calmly.

“A few but Collin has always been there for me. I … ”

“She needs to learn hand to hand.”, Collin cut in, taking one last drag from his cigarette before putting it out and flicking it to the ground. “She’s a bloody ace when it comes to this but come face to face with a Big Bad she freezes,” he said as he positioned the arrows behind his back.
“Relax Emily. You’re not alone”, he said placing his hand on her left shoulder and squeezing gently. Buffy watched silently at the interaction between Watcher and Slayer as they made their way through the graveyard.

Training went without much incident. Collin stood out of the way, giving Buffy free reign to teach as she saw fit. Emily would often look longingly at Collin, no doubt wishing she wasn’t so close to the undead. Buffy watched her as she fought with the fledgling vampire. She had the strength and the will, but she was uncertain half the time. Buffy watched taking mental notes to give her some pointers later on. A Slayer had to be confident but at the same time know that monster in front of her was deadly. It was a balance that a Slayer learned in time or never at all. Emily eventually found her opening and thrust her stake into the demon’s heart reducing it to nothing more than a cloud of dust.
 
2 - Who is that?
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.


The days went by pretty much the same. Work during the day, teaching or slaying during the night. Both Jessica and Emily were doing well enough that Buffy was feeling pretty confident that she could leave them with their Watcher in a week or so. Though part of her didn’t seem to mind having her nights filled with vampires and demons. Things were different now. The world didn’t rest on her shoulders and just the notion that if she didn’t want to patrol she could, just made things a little easier to handle.

Collin would always come with them on patrol which she thought was a little odd. He was very protective of Emily though she could tell that he tried to hide it. He would tense up each time either of the girls faced someone. His eyes would grow stern and he would fiddle with whatever he had in his hand. He would strike up a conversation with Buffy, acting all cool and calm like them sitting in the graveyard was perfectly normal. But there was something else there that Buffy couldn’t figure out.

Buffy recalled the conversation she had with Giles about Emily Pratt. He called to make sure she was doing okay and had asked how Emily and the other girls were doing. There wasn’t much to report… a few baddies here and there. Then the conversation turned to Collin and Buffy just had to blurt out. “Where did you dig that guy from? I’ve never seen a Watcher like that before.”

“Well”, Giles said pausing for a few seconds “there are only a few who would jump at the challenge you know. Though I say, Buffy, how is he doing with the other girls?”

“Okay I guess.. though he seems to be hovering over Emily a lot.”

“That’s what I was afraid of. I thought about assigning him to someone else but given the nature of their relationship, I didn’t really have a choice.”

“Nature of their relationship?”, she asked curiously “What are you talking about Giles?”

“Didn’t I mention it to you before?”

“Uhm.. no.. I think I’d remember…”

“Collin is Emily’s older brother.”


***
Buffy looked at herself in the mirror, smiling at what she saw. Dawn peaked into her room.

“You ready yet? You know we still have to pick up Jessica and Emily.”

“I know, I know” Buffy said grabbing her purse and strapping on her heels. It was girls night out – Dawn’s idea. She was home for the weekend and like any college girl wanted to party. Amanda and Dawn were already waiting in the car when Buffy locked the door. She really didn’t like the notion of “babysitting” a couple of teenagers all night. She was already up to her neck in teens at work but it had been a while since Dawn had been home. Dawn would give her the sisterly guilt trip of not spending time with her but Buffy knew that she’d get ditched before the night was over.

When they reached Jessica’s house, she was already waiting for them and with her usual cheery personality she climbed into the car and started talking up a storm. Buffy ignored most of the conversation, concentrating more on the drive to Emily’s house. This would be the first time she would be driving there and she didn’t feel like getting lost. Based on the directions she got from the internet, it looked like Emily lived in the posh side of town but Buffy had no idea exactly how posh till she turned into the driveway and parked her car in the large estate. All of them were in awe.

“Wow, I wish I could be living here”, Jessica blurted out loud.

The front doors opened before any of them got out of the car. “You must be Ms. Summers”, a kind voice greeted them as they shuffled out of the car. “Ms. Emily will be with you shortly”, the woman said as she ushered them into the huge living room.

The floors were made of marble and the furniture was an interesting mix of antique and contemporary. There were paintings and various artifacts on the wall and each of the them took time to take their surroundings in, not really bothering to sit down as they were instructed to do.

“Oh my gosh!” Jessica exclaimed “Doesn’t that look like Buffy?!”, she said pointing at a portrait of a young woman.

Upon hearing Jessica’s remark, the other three girls made their way to the painting.

“Same hair and same color eyes but it’s not her”, Amanda proclaimed

Taking a step back Dawn started comparing her sister to that of the portrait. “It IS very similar.”

“Well whoever it is, it’s not me”, Buffy said huffily, turning her back from the painting only to find Collin watching with amusement at the four of them from the other side of the room. Buffy bit her lip feeling a little embarrassed at what she just said. Collin didn’t say a word, studying her intently.

“I’m sorry…. I didn’t mean…”, Buffy said softly

“No… don’t worry about it,” he said shaking his head. “But your sister is right. She does look like you…more than you know” he said trailing off in the end that she could barely hear what he said. He looked at the portrait with a sigh then replaced the contemplative look with his smug grin. “Didn’t know high-heels and a short skirt was standard attire for killing, Slayer?”

Before she could answer, Emily walked into the room with a smile. “I’m ready. Sorry to keep you waiting.” She announced. “Don’t wait up okay?”

“Hold on. You said nothing about going out tonight.” Collin said sternly.

“Yes I did. I said going to go out with the girls tonight. Then I said you didn’t have to come”

“You didn’t tell me you were partying tonight.”

“OH come on please? … Please? ... Please ?”

Buffy watched as brother and sister battled it out for a few more minutes. It made a little more sense now why Collin was overprotective of her. Buffy understood and knew that it might even be more difficult for Collin. Buffy wanted nothing more than to protect Dawn from all danger and she did whatever it took to keep her from harms way. But Emily was a Slayer and like any other Watcher, Collin had to let her go into the night so he did the next best thing and stayed by her. Buffy saw that as a double-edged sword. It was good to know that you could lean on someone if you really needed it but depending on that fact could get you sloppy and sloppy could easily get you killed.

Emily smiled triumphantly as Collin just raised his hands in surrender. The other girls giggled and headed towards the door but not before curious Jessica had to ask her question.

“So Emily, who is that in the painting?”, Jessica asked

“You mean the one on the far wall? Uhm… I don’t know… Collin knows more about it. All he told me was that our family inherited it together with other stuff and that painting over there,” she said pointing to a spot on the wall near the large staircase.

Buffy caught sight of a gentleman in his forties standing right next to a black horse. There was a stern look on his face and a slight air of impatience. Light brown hair and blue eyes hidden behind small spectacles didn’t soften any of his stern features. She could see the resemblance this man had to Collin and unknowingly Buffy moved closer, trying to see if there was a year on when the painting was made.

“1905”, Collin called out surmising what she was looking for.

It was the right year, right age… it could be him … Buffy caught herself and sighed. What in the world was she thinking? There was no way it could be him. He was turned years before 1905 and he died again last year. Buffy cursed her wishful thinking and hated the fact that she just couldn’t let things go.

Dawn caught the sadness in her sister’s eyes “You sure you want to come with us? I mean, we really don’t need someone to look after us or slow us down.”, she said giggling.

“Meaning what Dawnie? I’m not THAT old.”

“Well thirty isn’t that far away … Ouch.. Hey”

Buffy looked at her sheepishly “Sorry… habit” she said putting the hand that pinched Dawn behind her back.

“You could stay here if you like. Maybe the girls need a day without both of us around”, Collin suggested.

Buffy looked around and saw the eagerness in everyone else’s faces. Guess they could use a night away from the old Slayer. Handing Dawn the keys to her car, “Be careful and call me if you get in trouble.”

Smiling, Dawn gave her sister a quick hug and leaned closer to her ears “He is cute you know.. for a watcher!“ she whispered then hurriedly headed outside with the others.

 
3 - His Face
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.


Buffy could feel her cheeks warm slightly at Dawn’s comment but Collin didn’t seem to notice.

“Uhm… there’s a tele in the room to your right if that’s what you want to do or we’ve got more books and paintings in the study.”

“Well what do you feel like doing?” Buffy asked.

“Me? We’ll Giles has had me cooped up doing bloody research all day. I was heading downstairs to do some uhm … stress relief when you arrived.”

“Stress relief? So what do Watchers do for fun? I don’t think I’ve ever seen Giles do anything really fun.”, she asked curiously.

With a grin, Collin walked towards the end of the hallway, opening a heavy wooden door for her. Buffy slowly climbed down the stairs and then waited for him to lead the way once they reached the bottom. He turned on the lights to reveal a fairly large recreational room complete with a bar, pool table and large screen TV. “Nice!”, she said observing the room then chuckling softly as she caught sight of a Playstation2 sitting on top of an antique coffee table, looking so out of place.

“Yeah it is… but.. this isn’t where I do stress relief.” Collin hurried off to the opposite side of the room. Buffy watched him intently wondering what he was doing to the wall. She heard something click and a section of the wall opened up to reveal that it was actually a door to another room.

Collin gave Buffy a smile and stood to the side of the doorway, waiting for her. Cautiously she entered and as he turned the lights on she was both amazed and curious about her companion. The room was a gym. Well a Slayer’s gym -- punching bags, targets and dummies but that wasn’t what made it a Slayer’s gym. There were stakes and swords strewn against one wall while a mirror covered the wall adjacent to it.

“This is what you do to unwind?” she asked in disbelief.

“Why, don’t you?,” he said as he took some bandage from a small cabinet in the corner and proceeded to wrap up his wrists. “You’ve still got it, Slayer. I can tell by those moves you’ve been teaching Emily. How many times a week do you train, pet?”

“Not as much as before. Guess I workout now more for getting the flab off my rear.”

There was a twinkle in his eye and a smirk on his lips as his eyes wandered over said rear. Buffy felt a little conscious with his eyes on her and nervously looked for a place to sit down. Eyeing a bench near the door, she quickly took a sit.

“Well, I’m amazed that you’ve maintained most of your skills just by instinct.” Collin said as he concentrated once again on wrapping his wrists.

“Well… let’s just say I’ve had more than my fair share of training over the years.”

“If I recall from Mr. Giles’ files, there was something about having a hard time getting you to do anything he said.”

“That’s not true!”

Collin sucked his cheeks in and raised an eyebrow. “Hey, I saw the report”

“That should be private.”

“Private? It’s part of the archives, love. Don’t get all shirty about it. You know he was ... is proud of you.” He finished supporting his wrists and turned towards the small CD player beside him. “You mind?” Buffy shook her head.

For the next couple of minutes, there really wasn’t much to say. She watched him work the punching bag and half listened to the music he had playing in the background. She wondered if Giles in his younger years did the same things Collin did. He apparently had a delinquent side to him but aside from that one time when all the adults in town acted like teenagers, she had never seen Giles act “improper” as he so aptly described her a number of times.

Buffy could understand now why Emily depended on her older brother so much. He was skilled and confident and it was fairly obvious now that he most probably had his fair share, if not more, of slaying or at least fighting as his sister. The music died down as the song ended. Collin stopped to catch his breath and looked her way. “Hope I’m not boring you.” With a smile, Buffy shook her head

“Uhm ... actually I’m kind of glad you decided to stay, Slayer.”

Buffy raised her eyebrows in surprise “Really? Why is that?”

“Well ... Actually, there is something I’ve been meaning to ask you,” he asked cautiously, waiting for her to nod before continuing. “Well you’ve been a Slayer for like ten years, right?”

“Almost eleven actually”, Gah. Buffy thought silently… “It’s been that long?”

“Right … Well I read somewhere that you were ... uhm ... involved with a vampire named Angel.”

Sighing softly, she hoped that his questioning wasn’t going to lead to anything personal but at least she was glad he was somewhat tact about it. She could only imagine what he had read about her relationship with Angel. “Yeah? And?” she said checking her manicure, trying to dismiss his line of questioning as unimportant and hoping he’d lose interest in the subject.

“Well , I’m actually more curious about one of his, uhm … children -- the one called William the Bloody.”

Buffy’s heart sank, she should have known this was coming. Giles disapproved of her relationship with Spike. It was bad enough she fell for a vampire once but to have fallen for one that had killed two Slayers. She knew everyone thought she was somewhat of kilter. Since he wasn’t officially part of Watcher Council at the time, any notes he might have, are most probably personal. But how long was it going to remain that way? She was sure that there are or will be people interested in studying that relationship. Her cheeks warmed by both anger and embarrassment and she found herself slowly biting her lower lip, trying to control the wave of emotions suddenly welling up from the mention of his name.

“According to the archives he was partly responsible for the closing of the Hellmouth three years ago. Then, it was stated that he started working in Wolfram and Hart with Angel. And then nothing. He disappears.”

“I know just as much as you Collin, “she said, trying to hide the sadness in her voice. “No one knows where Spike is”, though silently she wished she did.

“I need to find him … I’ve got questions that need answering.”

“Questions? What would you possibly want with Spike?”

He turned his back to her no longer sure if it was a good idea to strike up this conversation. She was the only one that had the most profound effect on Spike. He felt sure that perhaps she could give him some clue as to the vampire’s whereabouts. As for his reasons? “It’s a little personal”

“Well you brought it up and now you’ve got me all curious.”

His reasons? Now the tables were turned. He should have expected her to want to know why. It was complicated and painful and maybe even a little selfish. He had questions and Spike had the answers. Ever since he learned about this vampire called Spike, he had been driven to find out everything he could about him. The archives held information about demons and vampires but only to an intellectual extent. He even looked at any records related to the two Slayers killed by said vampire and all they had was a mention of his name. He had heard Giles recount what had happened three years ago but it just wasn’t what he was looking for. He stole a quick glance and saw the mix of emotions in her eyes. Would she understand his reasons? Would she even care? She had just met him a month or so ago and here he is prying into her private life.

He focused on the punching bag in front of him then closed his eyes and with a heavy sigh moved his head to lean against it. Should he tell? He knew that once he told her, she would think him insane but what was the other option? He could lie or change the subject, but part of him felt that she deserved the truth. He did bring it up in the first place. He took another deep breath to calm himself as he told her what was on his mind. “Do you know what it’s like to share your bloody sodding face with that of a killer? … When I look at myself in the mirror, sometimes I don’t know who I am.”
 
4 - Sunrise
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.


Chapter 4 - Sunrise

The sadness and desperation in his voice took Buffy aback. She had been trying her best to ignore the fact that he reminded her so much of Spike. She could see it in the way he would tilt his head or the way he would walk. She’d catch a glimpse of him when he would flash her that grin or when he would lean against a tree casually smoking a cigarette. She kept reminding herself that Collin was Collin and no one else. But with his last few words, he admitted what she had tried to suppress. But as her emotions bordered on hope, his was that of anguish. He only saw Spike as he was before … the same way that she had seen him -- judged him -- before she learned more about him.

The pain in his voice made Buffy stand and move towards him to take his hand. A vampire never felt guilt, never sought for redemption – the absence of a soul saw to that, yet Spike … “Spike was …” she paused thinking of the right words to say. “Spike was well Spike. You’re right… he was a killer and he was evil. God only knows how many times people have told me that, myself included. But, in the end … in the end he went against his nature and fought for his soul. He sought for redemption … and he saved the world.”

“Only because of you.”

Because of her? Perhaps he was right. “Maybe… maybe it started that way.” Buffy looked at this Watcher, his head pressed against the punching bag, his face stern, deep in thought trying to absorb what she just said. But there was something else underneath that she felt he was keeping from her. Spike saved the world. He said so himself that the archives have it recorded as such and though in some eyes, that still was not enough of a penance, it didn’t make any sense why there was such pain and anguish coming from him.

Collin pulled away from her and turned the CD player off. He had heard it all before. Giles, despite his obvious disdain for Spike, did not deny the vampire’s involvement in closing the Hellmouth. But it was the vampire’s vicious past that has plagued his thoughts.

After a few moments of awkward silence, Collin decided to break it, “Did Giles tell you how I became a Watcher?”

When she didn’t answer, he cocked his head to the right “Want to hear?”

“I’m all ears if you’re willing.”, she said calmly.

“So where should I fucking begin?” Collin eyed the bench that Buffy was just sitting on and motioned for her to take a seat. He waited for her to sit down first before taking the spot beside her.

“I didn’t exactly fit in when I was growing up. Life didn’t seem to hold much meaning to me. I could ‘ave anything I wanted, do things other people could only dream off. The only condition set upon me was to be a gentleman -- to be the proper gentleman upholding my family’s name and honor.”

“That couldn’t be too bad, right? It’s like being a movie star right?” Buffy said hopefully.

“I hated it! Hated every part of it because my life was already written for me. So I did what anyone in my position would do. I became as my father would call it a big selfish arse. I stayed out late spending most of my time in pubs or parties. The days seemed to string together but I could bloody care less … ‘til that day.” He paused and seeing Buffy nod slightly he decided to continue.

“I was out late… getting pissed-faced drunk among other things. I was heading towards my car when I heard a sweet, loving voice calling to me. She had long dark hair and an air about her that seemed ethereal. She talked in riddles though I don’t think I would have noticed if she didn’t. She talked to me like she knew me. Asked when I came back… asked if I was drowning my sorrows. There was distress in her voice when she started chatting about my soul and then something about my love for the Slayer. Then, the next thing I knew I was chained to a bedpost with pain throbbing in my neck and my head. Then I saw her standing over me brooding.

“You pain me, my luv, my Spike!” she called me “You’re here and you’re not. I can taste you lingering”, she said right before she leaned down and bit my neck.”

Collin closed his eyes remembering what he could of that moment. He felt a surge of intoxication as she drew blood from him and his heart quickened at the fact of the unknown. The fear of death didn’t seem to matter at all as she held him so lovingly against her bosom. He felt Buffy’s hand on his and he looked up to see the concern in her eyes. He forced the lump that was forming down his throat, clearing it slightly.

“Then she moved a fingernail to her wrist and let me … no forced me to kiss her wound. She forced her blood down my throat and she showed me with her demented love what this Spike had done for a hundred years. I was scared… horrified then she cradled me and told me my suffering, my purgatory would end.”

Collin felt Buffy back away from him cautiously, confusion painted on her face. He turned to her and caught a glimpse of fear in her eyes – fear that she might have to destroy him. “Don’t worry … I still have this,” he said pointing to his chest hoping that was enough to make her trust him again. He watched the change of emotions on her face as he could only hope that her Slayer senses would confirm what he told her. She looked at him with a small pout on her lips, his eyes drawn to it, his mind wondering how they would taste. He caught himself, closed his eyes and shook his head. Taking another deep breath, he focused on what he was telling her again.

“Oddly enough I’m alive thanks to a demon. I guess this vampire’s beau didn’t like me around and threw me out. Thankfully, with minor injuries. A Watcher was tracking down their den and found me. He nursed me back to health. He said I was lucky that I wasn’t drained and then told me about everything … about vampires, about demons, about Slayers and my life hasn’t been the same since.”

“Yet you still feel alone…” Buffy said absentmindedly.

“Why do you say that?”

“I dunno…”, she said shrugging her shoulders “… the way you told your story. I can feel it Collin. But I don’t understand why you believe you’re a killer?”

Why indeed? No matter how many times Collin would play it out in his head, he always came up with the same answer. He was crazy. He was crazy and he wanted a cure and only Spike had it. “Because I can feel them Buffy … every life he has ever taken. I can see every single one of them in my dreams. And if my face wasn’t enough of a reminder, this is all I need.”, he said pulling his collar away from his neck to reveal a half healed vampire’s sweet bite.

“It’s still swollen.”

“I can still feel it throbbing.”

“Did you show Giles?” Buffy asked as she tentatively reached out to touch it.

He nodded, “He knows about it. We’ve done research and spells but neither science nor magic has helped.” Collin answered.

“How is that possible?

“Giles had no real explanation except for the fact that my mind may be willing it to remain. He said that perhaps I don’t want it to heal.”

“Don’t want it to heal? That just doesn’t sound right or possible.” Buffy looked at him with
compassion. “You haven’t told Emily have you?”

Collin closed his shirt, hiding the deadly kiss once more. She was right. What Giles had said seem implausible, but here he was and despite everything he was unsure of, he knew that his one job in life was to protect Emily. “She has enough on her mind. Besides, I worry enough for the both of us.” He sucked his cheeks in, taking a deep breath and slowly exhaling. He straightened his back and decided that she most probably had enough of his fucking sob story. He made his way towards the door.

“I’ve been enough of a lousy host. It would be a shame to waste your dress,” he said hiding his evident pain behind a cocky grin.

“Then why are you telling me any of this?”

He shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. He didn’t really know. All he wanted was maybe a little more insight on this monster whose face he wears. But she made him feel safe. He wasn’t sure though if he should answer her question. Shaking his head again, he placed his left hand on the door handle. He wanted to let it die. He already said too much, revealed to her more than what he was willing to tell his sister. He opened the door and took one step forward but something was pulling him back. “Bullocks”, he said under his breath. He turned around to face her, this Slayer that had gone against apocalypses, this slayer that had returned from the grave twice, this Slayer that captured the heart of a vampire called William. “Why? You want to know why? … Because you held his heart and his soul. You were his sunrise, and I want to be free and see the sun.”

Buffy looked at him and felt a cold sharp pain in her chest. Spike was still reaching out to her through these years and now through the lips of another he was still declaring his love. She could only imagine now how much her words cut through him years ago and yet he persisted.

“You coming?” Collin asked as he held the door open for her.

She hurried through the doorway and made up her mind. She wasn’t going to leave this time. He helped her learn how to live again, the least she could do was show this man the sun.
 
5 - You're My Destiny
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.


Chapter 5 - You're my Destiny

Buffy took another sip of her drink as she scanned the club Collin had taken her to. The crowd was definitely older than what was in the Bronze. There were people everywhere. The bar was crowded and Collin was nice enough to get the drinks while she sat in the booth they had chosen. It was strange being in a club environment without the rest of her friends. She missed Willow and Xander and she remembered times when they would hang out in the Bronze years ago. She looked over at her companion nursing his Jack Daniels as he played with his Zippo lighter with his other hand.

Collin felt like a teenager on a first date. After what happened earlier this evening, he wasn’t sure how to talk to her. He had said too much -- revealed too much of himself to a woman he had only met a month or so ago. He knew everything about her, well everything that the archives had on her. But the archives recorded deeds of Slayers and opinions of Watchers, not emotions. He wondered what she thought of him. She must think that he was a sodding nut or maybe a pathetic loser trying to take advantage of her. No, she didn't think that. He saw genuine concern in her eyes.

He twirled the lighter between his fingers, then flipped it open then closed again. He felt her eyes on him and he flashed her a winning smile, trying his best to think of what to say. But nothing really came to mind. He heard the DJ mutter something over the microphone and he thought if nothing else, at least it would be better than sitting here in silence. He stood up and extended his hand. “You wanna dance?" Buffy looked him somewhat hesitant, somehow his words seemed familiar. "Come on. I'm pretty sure you know how. I can feel it, Slayer. You know you wanna dance." Buffy gasped at his words and though the way Collin said it was somewhat playful, it brought back a painful memory. Spike had asked her to dance once, and she rejected him vehemently, venom laced her reply. She looked up at the blue eyes that now looked at her hopefully, part of her wishing they belonged to someone else. She pushed the doubts that were slowly building inside her. "It was just a dance, with a new friend... no harm in that right?" she thought. Her lips formed a smile as she took his hand and he led them to the dance floor.

The music that was playing had a pretty fast beat and Buffy let the music take over. Collin couldn’t help but smile at seeing the Slayer’s lithe body move to the beat. He could sense other guys looking over at them, most of whom had their eyes plastered to the woman dancing so close to him. He caught a number of jealous looks and the smile soon turned to a grin as he felt like he was one of the luckiest bloke on the dance floor. The song soon ended and the DJ decided to follow it up with a slow song. What she did next surprised him. She moved closer and gave him a sweet smile as she wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned in. Collin tentatively placed his hands on her waist, looking slightly puzzled at her actions. But it felt right. Being here with her felt so right. He tentatively moved his hands towards her back, his arms now around her. She rested her head on his chest and sighed softly.

Collin leaned his head gently against hers and muttered thanks to whatever power had made it possible for him to be this close to her. It felt like a dream he had long ago. He never would have thought that when Giles decided to send him to the U.S. that things would be like this. Buffy was his unicorn. She wore the face of the woman he had loved since he was a boy. He never really knew or understood why but when he first saw the portrait that now hung in the receiving room, he felt that she was his destiny. It was foolish, but deep down he always thought he knew who she was. When he became a Watcher, the picture of Buffy Anne Summers in the archives struck him to his core. It was her – his destiny was a Slayer and this Slayer just so happens to have been involved with William the Bloody. It was more than a bit eerie but he knew that at the very least, he had to meet her. And here she was, in his arms and he wanted nothing more than to stay this way. She made him feel safe as if the world and all it’s little problems didn’t matter. Could this be what Spike had felt?

“Buffy?”

“Hmmm?” she murmured into his chest.

“I promise to protect you.”

She looked up at him and smiled. “And I know you keep your promises. You always do.”

Collin took her in, the way her hair glowed, her green eyes looking up at him, and her lips smiling. But what she just said was nagging him. "You always do?", he replayed what she just said. And that led him to thinking. Why was she so close to him now? Was it because she saw him -- Collin, or was she trying to re-live a possible memory? He moved one hand from her back to caress her cheek, gazing into her eyes as if to find some truth into how she felt.

Buffy moved her hand to cover his own, searching his eyes just as he searched hers. Realizing what she just said, she bit her lip in regret. She was thinking of Spike again -- thinking that the strong arms around her were his, finding comfort in the smell of Jack Daniels on his breath and cigarettes on his shirt. "I’m sorry. I didn't..."

With a soft sigh, Collin took his hand from underneath hers and placed a finger on her lips. "It's okay, love. I understand. We're both confused right now. But.. but I meant it. What I said. I promise to protect you. I know you don't need me to, but I want to."

"Well since you're a Watcher, it is part of your job right?"

"Buffy, you know what I meant!", he said a little hurt.

She giggled, "I'm sorry." Then her face became more serious. "But seriously, I think it's sweet. And you're right. We're both confused."

Collin nodded and secretly wished that he was on the receiving end of such love. To say that a Slayer was so touched by a vampire was a more than a little disconcerting. Spike's redeeming actions unfortunately are just words on a paper to him. But, William the Bloody's sins are dreams that replay over and over in his head. He could only hope that with Buffy he could make peace with what's troubling him. And maybe, maybe something more. He won't deny that ever since he first saw her picture, he was attracted to her. One might even say that his interest in the legendary Slayer rivaled his interest in the vampire who shares his face. And when he met her for the first time, he did his best to hide anxiousness by acting cooling. God only knows how many cigarettes he smoked that night to calm his nerves. Now she was here, in his arms and he hoped that this wouldn't be the last time.
 
6 - Meeting Peaches
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.


Chapter 6 - Meeting Peaches



Collin stared blankly at the thick book infront of him. The letters seem like they were melding together and the crick in his neck was getting hard to ignore. Standing up, he stretched tired muscles and couldn’t help hide a slight yawn. “I say we call it a night. I can barely see straight and I need a drink”, he said to no one in particular. Yawning simultaneously Emily and Jessica closed the books they were reading.

“Yeah! I’ve had enough Demons and Their Clans for the night and I still have to do my Physics homework for Monday.” Jessica said with a small pout.

“We can do study group.” Emily suggested hopefully.

“Is it okay? I can go ask Mom if I can just sleepover.” Both girls turned to their Watcher with pleading eyes.

“You girls do more partying than studying when you’re together.”

“We’ll be good!”, they both chimed in.

“Sure you will,” he said rolling his eyes. Giggling, both girls rushed out of the study and up the stairs. Despite himself, Collin smiled at seeing Emily adjusting nicely. He wished he could say the same for himself. He needed sleep but sleep usually meant dreams and he wasn’t ready for any of that tonight. Grabbing his keys and a light leather jacket he headed towards his car in the garage, shouting loudly to let his two charges know he was going out for the night.

He decided to go the club that he took Buffy to a few nights ago. As he saundered in, he ran his fingers through his hair, and scanned the crowd to see if there was a place to sit at the bar. He found an empty seat by the end of the bar area and quickly ordered a couple of bottles of beer. As he downed the last drop of the first bottle and started reaching for the second he heard a sweet voice behind him.

“I hope that if you’re going to drink like that you have a designated driver.”

He turned around and was surprised to see Buffy smiling sweetly. “What are you doing here, pet?” His eyes taking in her beauty.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you the same question? I thought you’d be pouring over books and ancient text.”

“Got bored and stuck. You?”

“Meeting someone...”

“And here I thought you got dolled up just for me, love” he said chuckling.

“Ha ha!” she said then she stuck her tongue out at him. It was moments like those that Collin couldn’t believe that for someone that had seen what she had seen how she could still find humor in little things. Her smile was infectious and his lips curled up into a grin.

“Actually, you might want to join us.”

Before Collin could ask why, a tall man in a large dark trench coat came up right behind Buffy. Smiling, Buffy turned around and gave the man a long hug. “I’ve missed you.” the man said somewhat inaudibly. Collin looked at them with disgust as they held each other and turned around to focus on his next bottle of beer. He really wasn’t sure why, but he just didn’t want to see them together much less being in each other’s arms.

“Collin… I’d like you to meet ...”

“Angel,” Collin coldly cut in without even looking towards them.

“Oh ... well, Angel this is Collin. He's the new Watcher that Giles sent over.” She sounded a little hurt. With a sigh, Collin turned around and looked at Angel squarely in the eyes. He was expecting the gasp any minute now -- the one he was sure he would receive because of his face. But it never came. Buffy pointed to an empty booth and headed straight for it. Shaking his head, he motioned for another three beers and pointed towards Buffy’s direction. He plopped himself down on the cushion and gave the waitress a polite smile and thanks as she placed the beers on the table.

“He’s been bitten,” Angel said flatly. Collin’s eyes grew as he turned to Buffy with slight indignation that she told someone else his secret.

Seeing the torment on his face, Angel spoke up “Buffy didn’t have to say anything. I can smell it ... sense it off you. It’s faint but it’s there.”

“Guess I can’t keep anything from you then”, Collin said a little haughtily before taking another swig of beer.

Crossing his arms, Angel leaned back watching Collin intently. “You’re walking a fine line,” he said calmly. “If you’re not careful …”

“Can’t help it mate. I’m bloody obsessed or cursed. You can pick whichever one you sodding want.”

“I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation here, Collin!”

Locking eyes with Angel, he placed his beer on the table, afraid he’d break it out of exasperation. “Oh I do, vampire! I’ve lived with this for months on end – re-living nightmares filled with blood and anger. I feel guilt and shame for something I haven’t even done, yet I can’t separate the dream from the reality. I doubt myself each time I walk out into the world. So yes, I walk a thin line and I’ll walk it everyday if I have to. There’s something in here”, he said pointing to his temple “and in here,” pointing to his heart “that wants to come out and play but I won’t let it. You should know that better than anyone.”

“The demon can consume you.”

Buffy watched in silence at the verbal tennis between Angel and Collin. It all seemed surreal as Angel tried to advice Collin, but the latter didn’t seem to want to listen. There was fire in his eyes and the tension between them was all too familiar.

She placed a comforting hand on Collin’s right shoulder. “Enough! This is going nowhere and this isn’t why I invited you over. Men!”

Turning to Angel, “We need to know everything you know about what happened to Spike”.

Turning to Collin, “Now listen here Watcher. Stop being so stubborn. We’re only trying to help.”

“I don’t need your sodding help,” Collin exclaimed as he reached into his pocket and threw a twenty on the table. “I’m going,” he looked at Buffy with the look of betrayal in his eyes. “Don’t worry. I’m walking.” He headed towards the door only to be blocked by the vampire as he was about to step outside.

“I’m not trying to preach to you and frankly I don’t even care what you do. I can smell the demon growing inside you. I don’t know how and I don’t understand it either but that woman over there apparently cares about you. I don't particularly approve with any of this.” He moved in closer, his face morphing into vampire guise. Angel paused, his senses picking up something and his brow furrowed. "You look like him and ... you smell like him! Spike?! “, he said looking at the man in front of him and wondering why he could sense his childe in this one. “Your nightmares ... Spike's? "

"Sorry, Peaches. That ain't my name!"

Angel morphed back into his human face but it was still brooding. He placed a hand on Collin’s shoulder. "You were given a second chance, don’t blow it.”

If that was suppose to scare him, Collin was unimpressed. He waited with a smug look on his face, for Angel to move out of the way. The vampire stepped to the side to let him pass. "Let him rest, Collin. Buffy's been through enough as well."

Collin stopped and looked back at him. "I would if I could, Peaches. Would love to get rid of those sodding dreams" "And be be with Buffy", he thought.

Outside, he quickly lit a cigarette and let the nicotine slowly calm him down. Something was bothering him and he really couldn’t figure what. He knew Angel was just trying to be helpful but there was just something about the vampire that irked him. He headed towards the street corner, hoping that maybe the walk home would calm him down but as he reached the lightpost that illuminated it his initial idea didn't seem to appealing. It would give him too much time to think – too much time to think up of things that would just confuse him even more. Grudgingly, he turned around and walked back the way he came. He thought it would be better to stay in his car anyway. Just a few feet after he passed the entrance to the club he heard what sounded like Buffy giggling. He turned around to check and sure enough it was the Slayer and her former vampire lover exchanging pleasantries. He felt anger welling up inside him. Rolling his eyes at the sight before him, he turned around and tried to concentrate on his cigarette and finding his car in the parking lot. Upon finding it, he quickly went through the motions of getting in when he heard her voice again this time in an accusing tone.

“I thought you said you were walking home.”

Without even looking at her, he shrugged and replied “Didn’t feel like, love.”

“Collin?”

“Yes?”, he said sounding agitated

“He was just trying to help.”

With a sigh, Collin shook his head. He didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He knew he made a bit of a fool of himself in there and an even bigger fool for feeling angry at seeing her with Angel. He stepped out and made his way to the passenger side, plopping himself in the seat. “Well, if you’re not letting me drive home, you might as well do the driving yourself.”

Buffy looked at him wide-eyed. "Right, you obviously haven't seen Buffy's wonderful driving skills. I think in your current condition, you'd be better off driving than me. Me and driving a little un-mixy. And especially with this nice car."

Collin tilted his head to one side and raised an eyebrow. "Bugger, but I know you drive."

"Yeah, but have you seen my car? This is really nice, Collin. I don't think my salary can cover any damages if we get into an accident."

"Bullocks", he said getting out of the car again and moving back to the driver side. "I'll take you home.

Buffy moved to the other side of the car and settled into the passenger side. She wanted to resolve everything but Collin obviously didn’t want to bring Angel up again. Whether Collin knew it or not, he was starting to share more with Spike than his memories.
 
7 - Holding On
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.


Chapter 7 - Holding On

Collin heard the sound of the large front door closing as it echoed throughout the house. Emily was home. Glad that his sister was back, he pushed the sheets off and got out of bed. He walked down the hallway and headed to her room to see if she was alright. She was face down on her bed, shoes still on, her body half off the bed, already asleep out of exhaustion. Collin gave her a quick once over and saw her right upper arm covered in crusting blood. Adrenaline rushed through him as he hurried checked the wound. He calmed down and breathed a sigh of relief seeing that it was already healing. He looked at her and smiled, moving to her feet to remove her shoes. He then headed towards the bathroom to get a towel and clean the blood from her arm. As he wrung the excess water from the towel he looked up into the mirror, sensing that he wasn’t alone in the room. But there was no one there. He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as he cursed himself softly at being so jumpy. Then he heard the slightest of cackles behind him.

“We’re a little jumpy today, aren’t we?”

Collin looked up again at the mirror and strained to see around the dimly lit room but saw no one.

“You sure are making me laugh today. Can’t really have a reflection in my current state. Thought all you Watcher blokes knew that.”

He quickly turned around and saw platinum blond hair, blue eyes and a cocky grin staring right back at him. Collin took a few steps back in surprise, almost hitting the sink.

“You’re uhm…. You’re”, Collin stuttered.

“Bullocks! I swear for a Watcher I’d thought you’d be used to these things.”

Collin could only shake his head in disbelief. He was definitely going insane now if he was seeing… he stopped himself before thinking it. He didn’t even want to justify what he thought with a name. Seemingly able to read what was on his mind, Spike gave him a mockingly hurtful look. “Now now, you’re the one that’s been calling me, pet. Go ahead say my name. Think of it as some form of bloody release and if you must know you’re not bloody insane. Well, maybe just a little.” he said with a toothy grin.

“Assuming you are real, how did you get in, no one invited you.”

“And why in the world would I need an invitation for my own house?”

Collin looked at him with a confused look. Shaking his head, Spike looked around the bathroom then quickly stepped outside back into Emily’s bedroom. He stopped a few feet from the bed, quietly watching the fledgling Slayer sleeping peacefully. Collin quickly followed him and protectively pushed his way between his sister and the vampire. “Don’t you even dare!”, he said crossly under his breath. Spike could only roll his eyes in amusement.

“Slayer blood does do wonders”, he said playfully licking his lips. He pushed Collin out of the way, and moved closer to the sleeping Slayer. He gently stroked her head, his fingers playing with her hair.

Collin pulled Spike away from her sister, giving him a deadly glare. Spike just chuckled, stuck his hands in the pockets of his duster and headed out the room towards the stairs. Not wanting to lose sight of him, Collin quickly followed and hurried down the stairs. He found Spike in the receiving room staring at the portrait of the woman. There was a somewhat sad smile on his lips as he reached up and traced the woman’s visage with his fingers. Collin watched him from a distance, unsure of what to do. For more than a year, he had been searching for anything and everything about William the Bloody and here he was in front of him but no questions would come to mind. He bore a multitude of emotions against him – fear, hatred, confusion, yearning yet the only thing he could feel now was strangely enough comfort.

“Is she happy?”, Spike said breaking the silence.

“Huh?”

“Is she, Buffy, happy.” Spike said again.

“Happy? I guess. Seems like she enjoys working with the kids. But…”

“But?” Spike said turning around to face him.

“I think she misses you. I don’t know. I’m not a bloody therapist but I’ve caught her almost calling me by your name.”

“I’m just so unforgettable, mate.”

Collin responded him with a smirk. “Unforgettable my arse. I have your bloody face.”

“I knew there was something about you I liked.” Spike said flashing him a toothy grin.

“It hasn’t exactly been a party you know. You’re damn memories running on playback every night. Would be bloody nice of you if you’d take them back or at the very least enlighten me as to why I have them.”

But Spike wouldn’t give him an answer. He just shrugged his shoulders then turned around to stare at the painting again. Minutes seemed to pass as the vampire took in the painting of the blond haired woman before him. “How long do you stare at her?”, he said finally breaking the silence.

“Uhm… well”, Collin didn’t know what to say. He was a little embarrassed to tell him the truth.

“Come on. You can’t tell me that you don’t spend hours on end looking at her. I would, heck I could stand outside her window and wait all night just for a chance to see her. Man, I sound like a ponce.”

But Collin knew that Spike was right. He had looked upon that face ever since he was a boy and had fallen for her. And now the situation wasn’t really any easier. But at least he could see her, hear her, watch her. He wished he could hold her in his arms, but that hasn’t happened again since that night when they danced.

“You love her too.” Spike declared “ I can tell. But you haven’t done a thing about it have you? You just watch her from afar… watch her and wonder … you’re pathetic! So are you going to spend the rest of your life doing that. Staring at this painting and pinning over her? Guess what? I’ve been there… I’ve done that and it ain’t a bloody picnic. But that’s it isn’t it?” Spike said as he calmly made his way to where Collin was standing. “You like holding on to pain. You like to wallow in it, because it makes you feel. For someone with as much talk as wanting freedom from his life, you sure hold on to suffering. Just like that kiss mark you wear like a bloody cross.” Spike reached out to expose the vampire bite.

Instinctively Collin stepped away from him and pulled his shirt opening closer together to hide his secret.

Spike gave Collin a look of disappointment. “You’re getting boring and I’m getting hungry! Let’s play.” And with that, eyes turned from blue to yellow as the demon came forth and lunged at Collin with a menacing growl.

Collin stepped back, but couldn’t find his footing and fell back with a thud. His arm instinctively went up to defend himself but there was no one else there. He looked up trying to figure out where he was because the room didn’t look like the receiving room. Books lined the walls and a large chair was to his right, still rocking as if someone had just been on it. He picked himself up and slowly let out a long sigh. It was just a dream. He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to put his curly locks back in place. He sat back down on the chair he obviously fell from when he dozed and looked at the book that was laid out on the table. It was a journal, the pages yellowing and the ink no longer black. He stared at the page that was open to find a rough sketch of a woman. Her shoulder length hair looked like it was being blown by the wind but what was strange about it was that she wore men’s clothing and held a wooden stake in her right hand. His eyes scanned the page for a date and found it. It said January 20, 1882.

“What were you thinking Uncle? What was plaguing you?”

 
8 - Demons
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.

A/N: There is a possible character death.

Chapter 8 - Demons

The wind blew gently and the smell of fresh cut grass hung in the air. Collin dumped his quiver of arrows on the ground as he crouched behind some bushes. He made sure his glove was snug before grabbing his bow and an arrow. He peeked up from his hiding place and quickly surveyed what was going on.

Buffy was fighting a couple of vampires. Dawn and Emily were doing their best fending off vampires away from Amanda who had fallen unconscious after hitting her head against a large tree.

Collin took a deep breath and focused his senses, choosing a target and letting the arrow fly. He hit his target square in the chest, through the heart. The vampire had an expression of shock as he looked down at the arrow sticking out his chest before he was reduced to dust. One by one, his arrows found a mark. He tried his best to aim for their hearts but it was difficult with their quick movements and at the same time trying not to hit anyone else. He had been lucky so far but he knew that he couldn't keep hiding for long. They would soon pick up his location and the only reason they haven’t yet is because both Slayers were keeping them busy. What worried him the most was the number of vampires coming at them. It seemed like an endless stream of vampires, one after the other, and he could only hope that Emily could hold out.

He heard some rustling behind him and instinctively dropped the bow and grabbed the stake he had hidden in his coat pocket. But before he could raise it up, he felt something hit him squarely on his left cheek, sending him a couple of feet away. He shook his head as he scrambled to his feet, blinking his eyes to focus them. He felt strong hands grabbing him by the shoulders and locking his neck between its arms. The rancid smell of sewer and sulfur wafting to his nose and he grimaced both from not being able to move and the putrid stench.

“Slayer!”, the creature shouted, adding more to his discomfort, “Which one of you would like to hear his bones breaking?” Collin could feel the adrenaline rush through him and he struggled, trying to kick behind him but it was to no avail. The creature just held his neck tighter, making it even harder for him to breath. His eyes searched frantically for Emily, more worried still for her safety than his own. He saw her running towards Buffy, the two Slayers exchanging words. Then Emily yelled something inaudible as he saw Buffy holding her back. His hands tried to pry the arms that held him so tightly and with each labored breath he hated himself for getting caught. He never wanted to put Emily in this situation. His duty as a Watcher was to train and observe her, but he settled for nothing less than to fight by her side. His responsibility as a brother was to care and protect her, and he had done so ever since she was born. He had wanted to see her happy, wanted to see her grow. Despite the fights, teasing and bickering, he loved her and could only hope that Buffy would take over where he failed. Buffy … His eyes wandered over to her form. The defiance on her face was beautiful and he wished he had one more chance to wrap his arms around her waist. Maybe Spike was right, he should have … he should …

The thought was incomplete as he felt a sharp searing pain near his abdomen. He managed to look at Emily’s tear-filled eyes and hear the sound of the creature bellowing out bowls of laughter. He could hear his heart beating loudly in his head as the creature released him and slumped to the ground. His lungs forced his body to breath, but it hurt, everything hurt and then he felt cold, as his blood slowly seeped out from him.

Emily looked on in horror as her brother’s clothes turned a dark shade of crimson. She fell to her knees in disbelief as the tears welled up obstructing her sight. She could faintly hear Dawn in the background telling her to stand. She turned her head to the left and felt Buffy move in to protect her. The vampires grew fiercer with blood lust as their senses picked up Collin’s sweet essence.

Buffy edged closer and between kicks dragged Emily to her feet. “Emily ... you have to fight!” But the young slayer was mute. Buffy afforded a glance at Collin's now still body and her heart cried out. "No, please!" But she knew this was no time for emotions, so she buried whatever hurt she felt and focused on getting the rest of them out of here alive.

From a distance Dawn screamed as the vampires were trying to corner her and Amanda away from the two Slayers. “Emily! FIGHT!”, Buffy yelled but all the young Slayer did was slump down in defeat. Dawn screamed Buffy’s name again and she was torn between her sister and the Slayer by her feet that had just lost her Watcher and her brother.

Buffy felt that familiar knot in her abdomen which meant danger was closing in. She looked up in desperation toward Dawn to see a figure edging toward the fray of vampires that Dawn was barely holding back with a pointed wooden staff. She grabbed Emily and half dragged her towards Dawn, trying desperately to save both sister and slayer.

Dawn tried her best to remain calm as she saw the vampires leering and taunting her. It was a game to them and it was obvious that they didn’t think she was much of a threat since they didn’t even bother to shift into vampire guise. But then she heard a vicious hiss and a growl that sounded angry as well as irritated. The vampires scattered from her, finding interest in something else. The figure drew the vampires towards it and now found itself in the same predicament that Dawn was just in. The vampires hissed and lunged at the newcomer but he deflected them away easily. When he broke one vampire’s neck with his hands then crushed down on another's windpipe with his boots, the others started to back away cautiously.

As the others sensed Buffy’s arrival, they hissed at the figure and ran away. Dropping Emily beside Amanda, Buffy quickly went to her sister, spitting “I’m sorries and are you okays”.

The figure turned around to face them and Buffy stood her ground, slightly pushing Dawn behind her.

“It’s been a while, love.”

Buffy could hear the distinctive English accent and quickly looked over to where she last saw Collin only to find the figure in front of her wearing his face.
 
9 - It's Me
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.


**
A/N: Took something from the episode Touched. I don't own any of it so thanks to Joss Whedon and all the BTVS writers.

**

Chapter 9 - It's Me

Buffy found her way towards the garage, thankful that she didn’t get lost in the huge house. She had left Dawn with Amanda and Emily. Amanda was still out cold and Emily was finally sleeping. Buffy gave Dawn a long hug, wanting to let her know how glad she was that she was alright. Dawn gave her older sister a comforting smile. It had been one hell of a night and they were both tired, but Buffy knew it still wasn’t over. She had to deal with what was in the garage.

Buffy stopped right in front of the door leading to the garage, her hand lightly resting on the door knob. She wasn’t sure what to do or say. All three of them saw Collin fall with a fatal wound but then somehow he managed to get up and save Dawn from a gang of vampires. The ride back to Emily’s place was pain stackingly silent except for Emily’s sobs muffled by Dawn’s comforting embrace. Collin – well what they believed was Collin – didn’t say a word. He just quietly nursed his cigarette though Buffy caught him looking at her in an odd way. He didn’t show any signs of violence towards any of them but Buffy was still wary. Her senses told her that he was at least no longer completely human. Sighing softly, she turned the knob and found him relaxing in one of the vehicles smoking. She tentatively walked to him, her senses on alert just in case he opted to attack.

Upon seeing her, a smile crept on his lips. “I was wondering when you’d come down for a visit, love. I’ve been lonely.”

Buffy looked at him warily. “Collin?”

“No,” he said shaking his head. “Why does everybody keep sodding calling me that? Name's Spike, the Big Bad... William the Bloody."

Buffy moved away from him in disbelief only to find that he had quickly moved from where he was sitting to standing right behind her. He wrapped his arms tightly around her and in a slight fit of panic, Buffy struggled to free herself which only made him tighten his grip. It wasn’t possible. She had never heard of a vampire possessing the body of a human before, but then again Collin was bitten. Could he have turned then and in some sadistic and twisted way was trying to lower her defenses?

He moved his lips near her neck, brushing them softly against her skin and memories of Spike flooded her mind. She had dreamt of it many times when she was alone and secretly wished that maybe her lover would return. She had given up so much for love before, but none had loved her so fervently or showed as much devotion as Spike. But this wasn’t Spike, couldn’t be Spike. His eyes maybe blue but his locks were brown.

Breathing softly on her ear “Shhh … Please, love. I just want to hold you.”

She felt his slightly warm breath tickle her ear. He wasn’t dead – he wasn’t a vampire because if he was, she wouldn’t have felt a thing.

She placed a hand on one of his arms and was further surprised to discover that it wasn’t cold. Well it wasn't really that warm either but it wasn't what she remembered. “What kind of demon are you?”

He leaned in even closer, ignoring her questions and burying his face into her hair. “I’ve missed you, Buffy.”, he said softly as he lost himself in her scent. As he calmed down, he loosened his hold on her, gently placing his hands on her waist and turning her around to look into her eyes.

Buffy caught the sincerity in his eyes. He gave her that same look of longing and desperation that Buffy had grown accustomed to with Spike. He slowly moved forward, aiming to kiss her but Buffy leaned back, trying to avoid it as she reminded herself again that this couldn’t be her vampire. She caught the flash of hurt on his face and she wished she understood what was going on. But right now, she had to rely on the facts -- she was in the arms of a demon she didn’t know.

With a soft sigh, he closed his eyes and reluctantly let her go.

“Guess nothing’s changed then, love”, he said moving as far away from her as possible. That was the last thing he wanted to do right now, but her actions showed him that it would be best to keep some distance between them. She was obviously confused and he didn’t really blame her but selfishly he thought, that maybe this time she was ready. Didn’t she trust him at all? He watched her try to make sense of what was going on and he couldn’t help but smile at seeing her soft lips pout ever so slightly. “I never thought I'd ever see you again. When I came back and was with Peaches, I thought ... well. I knew you wouldn't need a bloke like me around anymore. I love you, but I knew you wanted a normal life. God, I sound pathetic!" He rolled his eyes and looked up “You find this so sodding amusing don’t you? Damn, hate being love’s bitch.”

Buffy looked on unconvinced. Spike was a vampire, and everything that Buffy has surmised so far indicate that this being before her was anything but. The cross that Collin wore around his neck still nestled there undisturbed and the demon either was not aware that it was there or didn’t really think it was of any concern.

“Fine, ask me something only I would know.”

There was one thing she did want to hear from him. It was something he had told her before they fought the First. Something that made her feel so special and made her realize just how deep his love was for her. She knew she could have asked him something else… but she wanted to hear it again. She tried to convince herself that asking any other question would have been easy because it would have been factual, but that Spike would have guarded his emotions from everyone else. “You told me something important, something that gave me the strength to fight when I lost hope.” She wanted to hear those words again.

“That?! You want me to tell you that? That was a number of sodding years ago. You’d really think I remember?” he said putting on an air of disgust. But in truth he did remember. He had played that memory in his mind often enough. He realized in that one night that they spent together that he had found what he was looking for. He loved her completely and despite his selfish nature, didn’t need anything in return from her. She wasn’t a prize to be won. She was Buffy … she was the Slayer … and he loved every smile, tear and frown. It was hard enough to admit back then and he really wasn’t sure what gave him the courage to confess it to her. But now, she was asking for it again… demanding it even. As proof of who he was, she wanted him to give what most vampires couldn’t give -- his heart.

“Damn woman,” he grumbled softly. He took a deep breath, his hands in his pockets. "I made a lot of mistakes, a lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred-plus years and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of. You. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do. How you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you, and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're the one, Buffy!" He looked up at her, not sure how she would react.

“I love you Buffy and I don’t expect you to say it back. If you want me to leave you be, then I will.” His eyes fell to the floor, not really wanting the rejection he was sure she was going to give him.

Buffy’s eyes filled with tears at hearing the words spilling from this demon’s lips. “Spike?!”
He quickly looked up to see her cheeks slowly being stained with tears. It pained his chest to see her cry and he wanted nothing more than to hold her like he did just a few moments ago. But he held his ground. He hurt her once by forcing his love on her and never again would he presume to know what she wanted.

Buffy fought the tears, furiously wiping the tears that had marred her cheeks. She wanted nothing more than to lose herself in his arms as memories of what they had shared together came flooding back. Unknowingly, she moved towards him, cupping his cheek in her hand. She searched his eyes and was lost in the love she saw there. He always made her feel special ... important and most of all loved. He gave her that comfort that she had never really given back to him then. He took a chance and hoped that she wouldn’t reject him this time. He leaned down and brushed his lips lightly against hers. Seeing that she wasn’t pushing him away, he deepened the kiss, wanting nothing more than to be with her. He pulled her closer, relishing in the taste of her mouth and the warmth of her skin.

Buffy couldn’t help but moan as she felt Spike pull her closer. She could feel his lips moving lightly against hers, his tongue tentatively exploring her mouth. She wanted more, wanted to lose herself in the moment. But there was something else more important at hand and she knew that she had to put her feelings aside and figure out the mystery before her. Reluctantly she ended the kiss, sighing softly before resting her head on his chest just to relish in the moment before she let logic take over and find out what was really going on.




 
10 - I'm Here
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.



Chapter 10 - I'm Here

Her gaze focusing on his chest and she could see the subtle rise and fall of his breathing. Cautiously, she placed her left hand against his heart, trying desperately to feel his pulse. Spike smiled and placed his hand over hers. “I can hear it,” he said chuckling but he fell silent as he saw Buffy frown. “If this body is still alive, then where is Collin? What did you do Spike?”

Spike couldn’t help but get a little irritated. After all, she just had him spill his heart out and this is what he gets … “I didn’t do anything!”

Buffy glared back at him. “Not a good enough answer.” She then moved her gaze towards the rip in his shirt. She grimaced once her fingers touched the now stiff fabric as she peeled it slowly from his body, trying to look for the wound. Spike winched as he felt the crusting fabric pull away from the wound. Her face contorted at what she saw. His muscles were still exposed but there was evidence of some sort of healing.

Spike shrugged his shoulders slightly as Buffy continued to examine his wound. He was just as confused as her as to why he was here but he didn’t really want to question it. After being away from her for so long, the mere fact that he could finally see her again and touch her made everything else unimportant.

“You still haven’t really answered my question.”

Collin… the bloke who’s body he apparently is inhabiting right now. This body was alive but he felt no different. He looked past her shoulder at the side mirror of one of the vehicles. He could see himself … brown locks and blue eyes stared right back at him. He looked like what he did half a century ago. He ran his fingers through his hair trying to see if the reflection would do the same. Fascinated, he started poking his cheeks then waving his hand about. He could sense Buffy was losing patience but he shrugged it off. He had a body… one that didn’t seem to be affected by a vampire’s curse yet he knew he had the same strength since he was able to fight against the lot of them just a few hours ago. He couldn’t help grinning as his thoughts wandered on the different things he could possibly do.

Buffy huffed in frustration, “Spike.. SPIKE!”

“What?!” Spike said then his tone changed seeing her frown. “Alright …” He recalled having a dream not too long ago… but he thought it was nothing more than him talking to himself… perhaps it wasn’t a dream at all. Could he have been talking to Collin then? He tried to concentrate on the name and found something inside him that answered.

As Spike was about to speak, the door creaked opened and a sleepy Emily stepped through the doorway. Spike stepped back, trying to hide in the shadows.

“Collin?”, Emily said as she rubbed her eyes trying to get them to focus.

Spike moved forward just enough to signal to Buffy that he didn’t want to be found. She looked at him funny, wondering why it seemed like he was so afraid of the fledgling slayer.

“What are you still doing up?”, Buffy found her voice as she moved forward to usher her out of the garage. “Let’s get you back to bed…” Their voices soon faded as the door closed behind Buffy.

“Really funny!” He said to no one in particular. He was sure this must have been punishment for seeking out two slayers and killing them. Now he was in the company of two. One he loved more than his own existence, and the other he felt obliged to protect. He didn’t quite understand why he felt the need to hide from the fledgling. His clothes were crusted in blood and though he didn’t like the sticky feeling, he didn’t really mind it so much. He had missed that smell, not having had neither smell nor taste for years. But something inside him told him to hide, to keep his bloody appearance from the teenager.

It was Collin… who else could it have been? With a sigh, Spike just shook his head. He had denied his human emotions for more than a century. But with his soul he found William again and it took a lot of drinking, cussing, weeping and bloody fighting to come to some kind of understanding with his soul. Now, he had another human with him. He was a different creature from William – more aggressive, rebellious, impatient and there was something else but Collin was trying to hide it from him.

Spike made his way from the garage to his room, faintly hearing Buffy’s soothing voice from what appeared to be Emily’s room. As he stepped through the doorway he thought it strange that even though he hadn’t seen this room before, he had thought of it as his. Shrugging the strange feeling off he tried to think what led him here. It was about the other Slayer and Buffy was with her. Remembering what had happened just moments ago, he had a feeling that none of Buffy’s words would help calm the young slayer down and with a sigh, he reluctantly closed the door and rummaged through clothes to find something to change into.

He did the best he could to wash away the blood that had painted his torso. As he wrung the red tainted rag over the sink, his eyes focused on the reddish liquid and his stomach grumbled. He needed to feed but he then caught sight of his breath fogging the mirror in front of him and he wondered if this body even needed blood. His mind resounded with craving for the sweet metallic fluid. Taking a deep breath, he slowly brought his thoughts to the present. He rummaged through the medicine cabinet for some gauze and tape to dress his wound. He took a large piece of gauze bandage and ripped the tape with fingers and teeth, pressing the bandage gingerly in place. He slipped on the clothes he picked out and stared at himself in the mirror and marveled at how he looked. But the brown hair was bothering him since it seem to soften his features. Now he remembered why he changed it to blond so many years ago.

Satisfied with how he looked, he headed straight for Emily’s room. He was glad to see Buffy was still there. He was hoping to spend some more time with her after he took care of business.

Emily looked to see who was at the door and her face lit up seeing her brother. “Collin! I was so worried. Buffy said you got just a little hurt but that you were okay.. but then I was still so worried that I wanted to see you.. but she said you were resting.. and then…”

“Okay … okay… calm down now. As you can see I’m alright.” He said smiling. Buffy looked at him and smiled, seeing that he had at least cleaned himself up. She moved from the bed giving Spike room to sit down. He gently placed a hand on Emily’s forehead, running his fingers lovingly through her hair.

“I saw you fall.. then the blood.. then I”

“Shhh… it’s over now. I was just acting anyway. Besides, you know it’s nothing a little spell can’t fix. Now you get some sleep.”

Emily reached out to take the hand that was on her head and placed it by her cheek. She closed her eyes and leaned into it, a quiet smile on her face. “Don’t leave me Collin.”

“I’m here”, he whispered but Spike wasn’t sure who said it.
 
11 - Hiding
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.


Chapter 11 - Hiding

Spike stared out at the blinking nightlife and silently wished he wasn’t cooped up in Buffy’s apartment. It had been two weeks since the little “accident” and no one knew what really happened to him. Buffy had called Giles to inform him of the situation but none of his symptoms made any sense. He still had his strength and heightened senses but his reactions to sunlight and holy relics have decreased. He still craved blood, yearned for the taste of it, but he found out through trial and error that his stomach could only take a certain amount of blood, which of course made him very anxious. The demon wanted the taste but the body couldn’t handle it.

For all intents and purposes he was technically still human and still alive. Both he and Buffy were trying their best to adjust to these changes. They had decided to keep his status a secret to everyone else. To them he was still Collin not Spike, though there were times that Spike wasn’t sure if he was himself. It was getting more and more difficult to differentiate his memories from that of Collin’s. Maybe it was because he wasn’t that different from him -- his rebelliousness, his light disregard for authority, his sense of individuality all appealed to Spike. Or maybe it was really the other way around. He had skimmed through some of his books and even took a peak at his journals. Spike saw his name mentioned so many times that one could only conclude that Collin was either obsessed or haunted. And it all started with a kiss.

Spike slowly caressed the now healing vampire bite and secretly wished that things weren’t so complicated. He just wanted to be with Buffy. But of course being with Buffy meant complicated. He turned around, his back leaning against the balcony railing as he watched Buffy talking on the phone. Just looking at her made him smile. When she finally put the phone down, Spike could sense that something had upset her. As he opened the sliding door to go back in, Buffy looked at him pensively.

“What’s wrong, love?”

“That was Giles on the phone.”

“And? Does Rupes have a better idea exactly what happened?”

“Well, he’s kind of stuck. Based on the description we gave him of that demon that attacked you, he found out that it was parasitic.”

“Parasitic in what way?”

“In the, I will implant myself then devour your soul kind of way.”

“Ok, so I have something chomping up my soul. Wonderful…”

“Well that’s the problem. Giles thinks that if that was the case, then you should still technically be Collin. Unless…”

“Unless what love? You know I’m not one for suspense when it comes to me.”

“I told him about what Angel told you. Giles said that since it has been three years and the fact that you didn’t die, then there was no way you could be turned. But that maybe the vampire lay dormant within you and it only woke up when your body was fatally wounded.”

“Ok … that doesn’t really explain anything.”

“He’s suggesting that we go to England to get all of this straightened out. He says he has a couple of ideas but that you needed to be there so he can run tests.”

“You said we, you planning on coming with?”

“To keep you out of trouble.”

“Wait… I can’t leave. What about Emily?”

“Giles is sending another Watcher to take your place.”

“Not good enough. You know I can’t leave her.”

Buffy knew all to well how protective he was of her. This was one of the reasons why they had to go to England to sort this all out. Collin was in there somewhere… he had to be, if he wasn’t then why would Spike care so much about Emily. “Spike, she’ll be fine. She’s moving along as a Slayer and the others will be with her. They’ll keep each other safe. Besides, this isn’t the Hellmouth.”

She was right. They would take care of each other. But Spike knew that all any demon or vampire needed was one good day. He just hoped that that day wouldn’t come when they were away.

**

Spike found himself sitting in the receiving room staring at the portrait of the woman that looked so much like Buffy. He had done this before.. just stare at her visage for hours on end. He would trace the brush strokes with his fingers.

“She’s beautiful isn’t she.”, Spike heard from behind him.

Spike turned around to see Collin dreamily looking at the painting. “And he speaks. I thought you had gone mute on me, child.”

Collin gave him a smirk in defiance, “It’s not really easy to speak when you don’t want me to.”

“Enjoyed being back too much. Couldn’t get enough of seeing the Slayer.”

“I know.. I don’t really blame you.”

Spike raised an eyebrow. “Really now, that’s not exactly what I heard.”

“She’d never love me … I can’t give her what she needs.” Collin said with a sigh.

Spike couldn’t help but start laughing. “Believe me mate, no one can figure out what she bloody wants or needs.”

“I shouldn’t be thinking of myself anyway. I need to think about Emily. I need to protect her, and right now, with your powers, you can do that for me.”

“So what? I’m your bloody mercenary now? Don’t make me laugh. You mean to tell me that all your soddy cussing, hating and brooding just like Peaches was so that I could protect your sister? Please, how pathetic is that?”

“I didn’t know what to make of it… didn’t understand how one man could enjoy such death and mayhem. I wanted to know more about you.. everything about you but all I had was images and dreams. What that woman said didn’t help any… telling me that I was you… which meant that I had the same capabilities, same tendencies. I didn’t want that… didn’t want to turn. You are evil.”

“Well thanks for saying it mate!”, Spike replied with a grin.

“I hate you. Hate everything you’ve done, hate these dreams swimming in my head. I want you out of me, out of my head. I want all the bloody nightmares to stop. But now I’m stuck, eh? I need you. Need your power to protect the ones I love.”

“Nightmares … it still burns… still burns.” Spike said lost in thought.

“Does it get any easier? Did yours ever stop?”

“Stop? It’s there, always… and it hurts, and it burns… But you cope, you try and hope that by doing something good, that you can get some sense of peace.”

“She’s calling you.” Collin said, looking behind him through the receiving room doorway.

“Huh?”

“Buffy. She’s calling you. Guess it’s time for you to wake up.”


 
12 - I Don't Want to Lose You
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.


**
Chapter 12 - I Don't Want To Lose You

London, England

The breeze was gentle and the sun was out. All in all it had been a pretty good day. They had gone to see Giles in the morning where Giles did his usual poke and prodding as well as taking out a couple of vials of blood from Spike which he didn’t like that much. Tests had to be done to the blood samples so Spike and Buffy had the next two days to kill by themselves.

Spike had mixed feelings about the wait. It was time to spend with Buffy and maybe show her around town but at the same time it was two more days of worrying both about Emily and what the results could be. He hated the uncertainty of it all. What if they found out that this was all temporary? He couldn’t bare to lose Buffy again, not when he just found her. Spike tried to console himself with the fact that at least he had the next two days with her.

“You okay? You’re actually quiet for once.” Buffy said.

Spike had been so lost in thought about what the future would be between them that he didn’t notice that they had been walking now in silence for the past five minutes. “Uhm… yeah. I’m good. Just thinking.”

“Spike and thinking, not usually a good thing.” She said trying to make him laugh.

“I don’t know Buffy. Guess I’m just worried about things and why we’re here. I mean I guess I understand why we need to figure out how and why I’m here, but at the same time, I wish we could just let it be.”

“Spike…”

“I know who I am, I know what I’ve done and by some miracle I’m here, with you. And I really don’t want to question why. I’m not sure if I want to find out that I’ll lose you again.” Spike said hurtfully in defeat. He didn’t want to find out that maybe he was just on borrowed time once more and this time it seemed like nothing more than a sick joke.

Buffy saw the hurt in his eyes and couldn’t help but offer him a hug.

Spike took it willingly, burying his face by her neck and taking her in. “I love you” he mumbled into her neck as he gently tightened his arms around her waist.

His breath sent shivers down Buffy’s spine as she closed her eyes, trying to figure out if this was wrong or not. He was back in her life ... and he was human, well mostly, and she didn’t want that taken away from her again. But was it right to willing let Collin disappear for her happiness? She was being selfish again. Spike was now trailing kisses up and down her neck and as much as she wanted him to be close, she mustered the strength to pull away from him.

“This isn’t right,”, she blurted out.

“It never is Slayer, but I love you and technically I’m not undead. So what’s wrong with me being this close to you?” Spike said trying to wrap his arms around her again.

“No, nothing wrong with it… but this isn’t your body.”

“I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”, he said with a sly smile.

“Spike! It’s not right because it would be like taking advantage of Collin.”

Again, another confirmation that he wasn’t himself. “I don’t want to go anywhere, Slayer. I found you and I’m actually in a bloody position to be respectable enough to be with you. I love you.”, he said almost pleading.

Buffy’s heart felt like it was breaking. She wanted what he was offering. He was alive, he had a soul and he loved her more than anything in the world. He made her feel special and important and in his eyes she didn’t have to prove anything. And she loved him as well – the nights of crying and aching were proof of that. She wanted to be with him so dearly but to do it would be destroy Collin – to cast him aside like a broken doll. “You would sacrifice Collin for that?”

“Why not?! Is love wrong then? Besides, he wanted this, calling my name, conjuring me up in his dreams.”

“That wasn’t his fault and besides it’s not like he fantasized about you.”

Spike knew she was right. He could feel it, the guilt, the dread.. it weighted heavier on him now more than when he first got his soul back. He closed his eyes, trying to straighten the rush of emotions inside him. It was bad enough getting his soul back, but with two consciousnesses swimming around, it felt like an extra weight on his soul… an extra coat of bright red pointing out all the wrongs he had done.

**

“Collin?!” a feminine voice called out to the couple.

Spike looked up, to try and see who it was that interrupted them, as Buffy slid out of his arms, much to his disappointment. The woman came towards them, waving her hand.

“Collin!”, the woman said again, this time pulling Spike into an embrace. “Why did you not tell me you were back? I swear, you’d think you’d at least tell your own Mother that you’ll be coming into town.”

”Bugger!” Spike thought. Now it made sense why this park felt so familiar to him. He thought it was just because he had visit this place many a night when he was first turned, now he somehow remembered that Collin’s Mom liked taking afternoon walks here. And just his luck that out of all the people that were here today, his Mom actually spotted him. “Sorry. It was kind of last minute.”

“Where’s Emily?”

“She didn’t come with me. School and all. But I made sure she’s taken cared of. Mrs. Jenkins is there to look after her. Not that she needs it Mom. She is sixteen.”

“So are you here on business or pleasure?”, she said eyeing Buffy. His mother knew Collin’s reputation well.

“Sorry… Mother this is Buffy Anne Summers.”

“Nice to meet you, dear. I hope my son here has been on his good behavior.”

“As well as can be expected, Mrs. Pratt. He has been kind enough to show me around London.”

“Collin, dear, please don’t tell me that you’re living in a dreadful hotel during your stay when there’s more than enough room at home.”

“Didn’t want to bother you Mum”, he said. Actually was hoping not to see you at all.

“Now I’ll have none of that. You shall stay with us for the rest of your stay. Besides how would it look for you to be staying in a hotel. People will think we’ve kicked you out or worse.”

Spike looked at Buffy, trying to see if she was okay with it, but all she did was smile, her face giving away some form of amusement that he was in the hot seat. Spike replied with a smirk then turned back to his “mother”. “Alright Mum, we’ll check out and stay at the house.”

“Good good! Just call and I’ll send the car over. See you both tonight?” she said, leaning over and giving him a kiss on the cheek.

“Yes, Mother.”, Spike said trying not to sound too annoyed. After one more hug, the woman finally left, much to his relief, only to find Buffy giggling beside him.

“What’s so funny?!”

“Just funny seeing you squirm for once.”

“Hey, not my fault. And it’s not like she’s my mother.”

“Technically she is!”

“I doubt you’ll be as amused once we get settled in at home

“Maybe I can get your Mom to show me baby pictures.”

“It won’t be of me and now who’s taking advantage of Collin’s situation?”

“Sorry… but seriously Spike, maybe we can find out more about Collin and figure out exactly what’s going on.”


***
A/N: Sorry if parts of this chapter don’t seem to well written and not much happened... I just needed it to setup the next chapter.

 
13 - Family
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.

**

Chapter 13 - Family

They arrived at the Pratt estate, just around dinnertime and both Mr. And Mrs. Pratt were more than happy to see their son and meet his guest. Dinner was pretty much uneventful, which both Spike and Buffy were thankful for. When dinner was over, Mrs. Pratt enthusiastically gave them a tour of the estate, pointing out to Spike all the changes she had made when he was gone and all the changes she was thinking of making. Spike tried to take everything in politely, smiling and giving his “mother” encouraging remarks. The last room they visited was the library and it was there that things started to get interesting. Mrs. Pratt excused herself from their company, thinking that perhaps they wanted to be alone.

The library was a fairly large room, books lining almost every wall with a few comfortable chairs in the center of the room. But what took both Spike and Buffy by surprise were two painting – one was of a man in his middle twenties that looked uncannily like Collin and the other looked like that girl in the painting in Collin and Emily’s receiving room. Spike stared at both paintings dumbfounded, like something about them were very familiar.

Buffy leaned forward and tried to see if there was a date on either painting. “This one says 1874. Okay.. so I guess that definitely can’t be Collin.”, she said looking over at Spike only to find him staring at it, as if he’d seen a ghost.

Spike took a few steps back, trying to take the whole painting in. He knew who it was – the hair, the eyes, the somewhat scholastic look. “I look like a bloody ponce!” he said unknowingly out loud.

Buffy looked at him wide-eyed. “You?! You mean that’s …”

Spike nodded slowly, not taking his eyes of the painting. This revelation answered a whole lot of answers and brought forth just as many questions. He tried to remember the time when he posed for the painting, but it was so long ago that all he got was more like fleeting images. But the existence of this painting, in this house, just meant that Collin was definitely related to him. He had his suspicions when he first found out that Collin’s last name was Pratt, but he dismissed it as just a possible coincidence. For one, he never bore any children and when he was turned, there was no one else to carry on the family name, as far as he knew.

The doors to the library creaked opened, and Collin’s father entered the room. “Staring at her again, I see Collin?”

Spike gave him a questioning look.

“Your Lady of Summer. Ever since you were six you’d be over here looking at her.”

“I was?”

“Almost everyday, son. That’s why I wasn’t surprised that you wanted to take her other portrait with you to America. I just don’t know what it is with you and your Uncle William always wanting to be in the company of beautiful women, present company included.” He said sweetly looking at Buffy.

Buffy replied with a smile, hiding the confusion that was wracking her brain. Uncle William? Could he be referring to Spike? Could this be Spike’s family?

“Uncle William Da?”

“Are you daft boy? Yes, your Uncle William Pratt. Actually I should say your Great Great Grand Uncle William.” He said pointing to the painting that earlier Spike revealed was of him. “He was a bit of a recluse, though quite gifted in the arts despite what other people may say. He painted your Lady of Summer though no one to this day has been sure who she is really. Anyway, I just came down here to tell you that I found another one of your Uncle’s journals.” He said, unceremoniously handing it to Spike. “I know you were always interested in them.”

“Uhm.. Thanks Da!”

“You’re welcome son. Anyway, it’s getting late. I have to be in the office early tomorrow. Buffy, Collin… Good night.”

As Mr. Pratt left the room, the door closing seemed to echo throughout the whole library as Spike stared at the journal in his hand, and Buffy looked in awe at the painting of Lady of Summer. Things were starting to get really eerie now. It was one thing for the girl to look somewhat like her, it was another for Mr. Pratt to affectionately call the girl Lady of Summer. But none of it made any sense. If William Pratt was indeed Spike, then how would a painting which was signed and dated in 1885 be part of this household. She doubted that once Spike was turned that he’d actually visit his human family. From what he had told her, he never looked back on his human life.

“So Spike, did you paint her?”

“I guess… I don't know... I mean the stroke seems familiar. But ... " he moved closer to the Lady of Summer, his fingers slowly tracing the strokes. There was familiarity there... a lost memory perhaps or wishful thinking of maybe coming closer to what had happened. William Pratt... a name he had left and forgotten now comes to full view but what comes with the name? It comes with a life, with dreams, with memories beyond the day he was reborn. How can that be? Is his existence then in question? All his deeds both good and bad a joke? A story created in someone's mind. No, that was not possible. He existed, he mattered. He was there when he stood by Buffy’s side as she fought against the First. He heard her utter those three words that had made his unlife complete. He came back and fought beside his grandsire, hoping that this time he would find peace. He was there. But then, what was in his hand? In his hand was testament to a life beyond his rebirth. But why can he not remember? Who was this William Pratt that lived a human life?

Spike slumped down into one of the chairs and stared at the hard cover, unsure if he wanted to know what was inside.

Buffy sat down in the chair beside him, her hand resting lightly on his. “Spike?”, she asked with concern. She could only imagine the thoughts that were going through his mind. It all seemed impossible. How could William have existed and apparently lived a full human life when he was turned in 1880. It didn’t make a whole lot of sense, but then again, with the things Buffy has seen in her life as the Slayer, she had learned to never rule anything out. She could only hope that Giles had better answers for them.



 
14 - Dreams or Memories
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.

**

Chapter 14 - Dreams or Memories


October 9, 1885

… I finally have it on canvas. I do not think it is good, but cousin Catherine seems to think so. She says that my lady looks like an angel. That she is strong and beautiful. It is strange seeing it all finished – finally seeing her in color. The sketches that I have done before, the ones in my journal, seem more like mere glimpses into my lady’s beauty. I just wish I knew who she is. All I have is dreams of her … my one salvation from the torment of nightmares that have plagued me for years now.

The nightmares have affected my constitution I’m afraid to say. I hardly find any rest at night. When I awake, I always feel disoriented as if I am meant to be somewhere else. Is that possible? …


December 15, 1885

… I saw her again last night. I saw my angel. One might assume that I perhaps I am indeed insane for pinning over a dream. I dreamt I kissed her. I have kissed her before but those paled in comparison to what I felt last night. This was far from chaste. I can still feel her warm lips as if she was here with me right now. It was the kiss of lovers … a kiss full of raw passion and desire … a kiss that spoke of a love that burned brightly. She has awakened something in me that I had not felt in anyone before. She has elicited thoughts in me that I dare not speak of.

I have to watch my words when I speak. The thought of her invokes such emotion that I cannot contain myself. I have gone back to writing poems though this time I dare not share it to anyone. Cecily had been cruel to me, but my angel gives me hope. I wonder if I will ever find her, or if I will meet a woman that would fill my heart so. …


February 23, 1886

… Michael and Catherine’s little boy David visited me today. Such a spirited boy and curious though a little head strong. I do not believe I was as disobedient when I was his age. He has his mother’s sweet smile and his father’s boldness. I am happy for Michael that he finally has a son. He had so wanted one for the longest time. Perhaps now, the slight teasing will cease since David will carry on the Pratt name. He is truly a blessing though I am sure he will be the cause of a multitude of head aches and perhaps even heartaches. …


June 12, 1887

… I thought I had died. My dreams of late have been somewhat dark and foreboding. There was a woman with me, but she was not my angel. I believe I called her my Dark Princess. I am not sure where we were but there were many hands trying to grab us. We ran through the night … through dark alleys and streets. This woman clung to me and I protected her. I knew that I would never let anyone harm her. I felt single-minded in thought. She was all that mattered. I fought for her, killed for her, did everything to keep her safe. For once, I felt no guilt in my dreams. I felt power, strength and anger. …



September 15, 1888

… My angel is still in my thoughts and I am afraid that I have not found anyone that can compare. The family has helped or I should say more likely pushed women at me. If I had not expressed my distinct displeasure over the idea, I am sure Aunt Abigail would have employed the services of a matchmaker. They have teased that at my age I will never find a wife. But I am bewitched by my angel. I doubt I could truly love another. What kind of spell am I under to yearn for such a figment? I feel … no … I am incomplete without her I am sad to say. I do not even know her name. I think about it for the longest time but her name always eludes me. Perhaps I should call her Anne. The name suits her somehow. But then perhaps I am just thinking of Mother. …


October 29, 1889

… The nightmares come still and I fear for my soul. What rage could be inside me to commit such crimes? I see blood and hear screams but I have a feeling of rejoicing in it. I do not know how many lives I have taken in my dreams but to have such thoughts weighs heavily on me. I know that I have committed no crime. I would not dare take a human life, yet in my dreams, the sense of right and wrong do not seem to apply. …

I have developed a taste for liquor, much to the family’s dismay. It helps with my nightmares. I have no one to turn to nor do I wish to say any more of what plagues me at night. All I have are my thoughts and I write them down to help me make peace with myself.

The dreams seem all to real … and that is what bothers my soul. …


November 20, 1889

… Catherine has been teasing me again. She says that she is jealous of my muse for no one has been privileged with so much of my affection. I have finished another painting of her, though my motives maybe somewhat selfish. I had that dream again, and forgive me I want to dream it again. I was a bit harsh to her, words of spite and anger then I hit her. But I knew it would not really hurt her. My lady is strong, stronger than most men I know. She replies to me with her fists and we dance, but when our bodies came closer anger leads to other things … pleasant things. I have thoughts that are fit for a man to have only with his wife …

... such passion and heat. Her flesh sweet and tender. I think I saw marks on her neck and it pained me to see the smooth skin on her elegant neck marred. Nevertheless, she was perfection in my eyes. I wanted to kiss her there. I wanted to cover the scars that had marked her and perhaps erase them if I could with my lips. She was my girl, my woman, my angel. ...




Spike felt Buffy moved against him on the bed, her head against his chest, while his arm was lovingly wrapped around her. He looked down at her, gently caressing her waist for a few moments while he watched her sleep. It was late and they had moved from the library to his bedroom when midnight struck.

He had been reading through the journal since his “father” handed it to him, learning more of this human William that lived a somewhat troubled life according to his journals. He could remember none of it, writing in the journal that is, but the stroke was unmistakably his. This William spoke of dreams that invoked memories in Spike. There were passages in the journal that seemed to mirror something he felt Collin had dreamt before.

Then he remembered something, a dream a few days ago. He could hear a voice inside his head … Collin … telling him how much he hated the dreams. He told him how much he hated Spike. The floodgates where starting to strain -- voices from the past coming forth, screams and grunts swirling in his head, holding on to lifeless bodies in a sweet embrace, bones breaking, blood flowing – over and over different scenes, different places, different times. Spike closed the journal and leaned his head back against the headboard. He took in a deep breath, exhaling slowly to calm his now racing heart. He still felt the guilt and he wondered if there would ever come a time when it wouldn’t hurt so much anymore.

Buffy snuggled closer and as if sensing his unrest. She draped her arm across his waist, holding him close somewhat possessively. He smiled at the contact and opened his eyes to look at her sleeping face. He placed a kiss on her hair, happy to have her familiar scent around him.

Tomorrow hopefully Giles will have answers. Tomorrow he will know what his future will hold. He could only hope that he could stay, that maybe now he could be the man this Slayer truly deserved.




 
15 - Looking for Answers
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.

**

Chapter15 - Looking for Answers

Spike looked out the window, watching London go about its day. Memories of his youth came to mind. He remembered trips to parks and museums, outings with a family he had long forgotten and walks with his Mother, from holding his hand as a boy to clutching his arm when he became a man. He let out a small sigh, remembering the early days of his rebirth and the torment on his being for destroying his one true joy in human life. She had turned on him, his dark gift twisting her motherly love to perversion. He looked down at his hands, the hands that took her from this earth. He took in another deep breath, pushing down the memory, calling forth a better one.

He caught the slight reflection of the person on the window he was staring at, seeing brown hair and blue eyes. He missed the shock of blond that used to adorn his head. He had slicked it back a few times now, trying to regain that predatory look that had worked for him in the past but the darker color did not have as much impact. Buffy of course would always mess up his hair, letting the curls fall is slight disarray. She would give him that look, the one that made him pretty much do whatever she wanted then she’d add on the pout and he would just give up. Now he let the curls free, slicking it back just a tad to make sure they weren’t in his face.

The heavy door opened and Giles entered the room with a woman following behind him. Spike turned from the window and sat back down on the chair next to Buffy.

“This is Arianna. She and her coven have been kind enough to perform a number of tests on the blood samples we got from you a few days ago.”

The woman stepped forward and gave both of them a warm smile. “It is an honor to finally meet the famous Ms. Summers. I have heard many great things about you from Rupert.” she said. Turning to Spike, her brow furrowed slightly. She crossed the gap between them, then knelt down and took both of Spike’s hands in her own. “So much pain and confusion dear child.”

Spike looked at her puzzled. “What are you talking about?”

“Arianna has …”, Giles replied as he took his glasses off and started cleaning them “found something very interesting with your blood sample, Spike.”

“And?” he replied, his hands still captured by the witch who held him firmly.

“Well … how shall I put it. Your blood shows properties of both human and vampire. One might conclude that perhaps you’ve turned into a hybrid which could explain your abilities.”

“So he’s not really a vampire? Then how come he can go vampy?” Buffy spoke up.

“Well Spike in the sense is not a true hybrid. There’s a separation in him where he can go between human and vampire or I guess the better term to use would be demon. I believe Arianna might be able to give a better explanation.” Giles replied.

Buffy then turned her attention to the woman.

“I have had a few encounters with vampires before and most usually tend to favor their demonic side. You, on the other hand, cling to the human part and even fought for your soul -- your soul which does not seem to want to rest. Seeing you here explains a lot of what we found out, that is why I had asked Rupert if I could see you.”

Ignoring the look on Spike’s face, she continued. “There is magic at work here, ancient and powerful. I can sense the demon inside you being tempered by two consciousness. I would assume that would be William and the young Watcher Collin whose body you reside.”

“So is that like Spike is possessing Collin’s body?” Buffy asked.

“That would be a simplistic approach. Spike’s presence here is more permanent than just a mere ghost possessing a body. The easiest analogy would be that what we have here is two sides to one coin. They are the same person, but there are two personalities to it.”

“Bloody hell! I’m a loon.” Spike said with an air of disgust.

“What of Collin?” Buffy again inquired.

“He exists, though right now he does not seem to want to show himself. I am quite sure though that you can feel him inside you.”

Spike nodded. “I can remember the things he knows, like he’s a little pixie watching over my shoulder.”

“He is a part of you and you are a part of him.”

“So what does that really mean? Does that mean I get to stay? And if I do, am I going to turn into a full vampire? Or is Collin going to eventually come back?”

“I cannot say. I am afraid only you can answer that question. I can feel such pain and anger within you. I sense though that something draws you here. Perhaps looking into what draws you here will help answer some questions.”

Spike mulled over what Arianna had said and turned his head to look at Buffy. “Buffy.” he muttered somewhat lost in thought. She was the one thing in his unlife that made everything mean something. She was his world and he would do anything and everything to make sure she was happy. He thought he was complete on that day in the Hellmouth. She would have that life that she always dreamed of and he was happy that in some way he could give it to her. Then he found himself stuck to Peaches and he stayed away, even though all he really wanted was to go to her. There wasn’t one night since he came back that he didn’t think about her and wish. Even ‘til the end, when Peaches and the rest of them fought, he thought about her. He wanted to see her one last time. She drew him here but that still doesn’t explain how he came to be in Collin’s body nor does that explain why he has two personalities.

“Ah yes, the Slayer. That explains the link I see between the two of you. It was hard to believe that a Slayer and a vampire could feel such affection for each other. But it is there. … I can feel a bond between you two – an aura, like a thin red string connecting you to one another.”

Both Buffy and Spike stole a glance at each other and smiled. Spike enjoyed the moment and the confirmation from the witch’s lips that there was something between them. Buffy found herself lost in his eyes, wondering why she had denied herself so much happiness and love in the past.

Arianna both gave them a comforting smile and took one hand that was holding Spike’s to place it on Buffy’s in a reassuring manner. Her touch brought Buffy back to the present and the matter at hand.

“Ok, so you’re saying Collin and Spike are two personalities within uhm… this body, that he’s part vampire and that the only reason Spike came forth is because of me? Okay, now I’m totally confused. And add to that what we found out yesterday, none of this makes sense.”

“Found out yesterday?”, Giles interjected. “What did you find out?”

With a sigh, Spike pulled his hand away from Arianna and rummaged through his coat for the journal. “This”, he said holding it up, “This is William’s journal”

“You mean your journal.” Giles corrected him.

“No, not really. I mean this is William’s journal. I’ve been a vampire for over 120 years, turned around two decades before the turn of the 20th century. But this”, he said waving it in the air for emphasis, “has journal entries going all the way up to the year 1895. William the ponce existed. He didn’t die of a vampire bite. He died from an ailing health. ” he said. Then thinking internally, “And possibly depression.”

Both Head Watcher and witch fell silent, obviously lost in thought. Then Arianna stood up to her full height and looked at him puzzled. “Wait, you said you were turned around 120 years ago? That cannot be.”

“What are you sodding talking about? I think I know how long I’ve been a vampire.” Spike asked.

“Your blood sample. … We tested it for age. I mean we wanted to see how old the demon was that was residing in you. Spike, you are not 120 years old. According to your blood, you are almost two and a half centuries old!”

Spike raised his eyebrows. “So where have I bloody been for the past century? A different dimension? Or was I sucked into some sodding trinket again?”

“I highly doubt you were bonded to an artifact because I do not sense anything on your person that is magical or exhibiting power. And if it was an artifact, you would most probably have been in stasis, meaning you would not have aged. Perhaps you were pulled into a different dimension. But if that was the case, I should be able to sense traces of the dimension around you or your aura.”

“Spike,” Giles spoke up again “what can you tell us about what happened in Los Angeles? If I recall, that was what was Collin was researching on. Angel would not tell us anything except that Wesley had died. He would not disclose any information about you or the others.”

Spike thought back to that day, wracking his brain for memories of the fight. He remembered saving the baby. He remembered feeling tired and how the weapon he was holding when he met Angel in the alleyway seemed to weight a ton. He remembered seeing the dragon, and Illyria and demons, but then… nothing. Nothing? The details were sketchy, he knew it happened. They had saved the world, but he didn’t know how or for that matter, he just realized that he didn’t even know what happened afterwards. “ I … I … don’t know. I keep thinking about it, but all I come up with is a blank. I should know right? I was bloody there!”

“Maybe it was a spell.” Buffy said hopefully.

“That still doesn’t explain how in the world William existed as a human, love. This all sounds bloody foul and sodding irrational. If Wesley were here, he’d just say it had to be the Powers that Be.”

“If it is the Powers That Be, perhaps an oracle will shed more light on this." Giles said cleaning his glasses once more.

"But they can be quite temperamental Rupert." Arianna commented.

"We have to try." Buffy reasoned, reaching out a hand to touch Spike's arm offering him a smile.


**
A/N: The ending is near. All will be revealed in the next chapter. I just hope I'm not being too confusing and I hope the ending doesn't seem to anti-climactic. Thanks for all the reviews.

 
16 - I Remember
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.

**

Chapter 16 - I Remember

Buffy rubbed her hands together to keep them warm. Seeing this, Spike walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her from behind. He planted a soft kiss on her cheek, savoring the feel of her in his arms.

"You know I always wanted to take you out to watch the stars."

Buffy leaned into his embrace, smiling like a giddy school girl. "You are a romantic at heart."

"Just don't let anyone else know, love. I've got a reputation to protect."

"Spike, Buffy...we're ready." Arianna called from behind them.

Spike reluctantly released Buffy. "Guess it's show time."

They both turned to survey what was before them. They had driven all the way to Stonehenge and have been waiting for about an hour while Giles, Arianna and a young witch named Aislinn prepared everything they needed for the spell they were going to perform. Aislinn was more than just a witch. As Arianna had explained, she was somewhat of a seer and once and a while served as a conduit for the Powers That Be. The spell was two-fold. Aislinn was going to use her body to channel the Powers That Be, while Giles and Arianna were going to set up a barrier spell to make sure nothing would interrupt them.

Aislinn motioned for both Spike and Buffy to sit before her, while Giles and Arianna, took their positions a few paces away on either side of the couple.

"Love, you don't have to do this. I can do this by myself." Spike said turning to Buffy.

"I want to do this Spike. I won't leave you alone again.", she said looking at him tenderly.

"Careful Slayer. A guy might think you love him." he said reaching out to cup a cheek.

Buffy closed her eyes, and leaned into his hand.

"Buffy, if I ... if I don't come back, ... if this is it, I just want you to know that I love you. Always."

"I won't lose you Spike."

He only responded with a smile, then clearing his throat he took a deep breath then turned to face Aislinn. She nodded at them both and started chanting. Soon the runes they had written on the ground with herbs started to glow and her voice started to deepen. Wind was whipping Buffy's hair, but one could see that outside the circle, the night was still. Aislinn's eyes started to turn glassy as if she was staring into eternity.

"For what purpose has my child summoned us.", Aislinn spoke with an ethereal voice.

"I wish to know the truth." Spike spoke up.

Aislinn cocked her head in curiosity as her gaze took Spike in. "Souled one, why are you here?" Then she turned finally noticing Buffy sitting in front of her. "And the Slayer. The one that has changed the destinies of thousands. What is your business with us?"

"The truth. A year ago ... in Los Angeles ... "

Aislinn held up her hand signaling him to stop. "The Shansu prophecy has been fulfilled. You are not meant to be here."

"Yeah. I pretty much got that part. I need to know what sodding ... uhm ... what happened. Why am I not meant to be here?"

"The prophecy has been fulfilled. You were given the life that was taken from you. It was a gift, your reward, your humanity." Aislinn paused, looking from Slayer to demon and back again. "But it seems as if, something has called you here. Such a human emotion should not have touched you so, souled one. Then again, you are an abomination among your kind. We gave you life yet you choose to return here. Foolish demon indeed."

"What of Collin?"

"The turmoil inside you is not something we can erase. You're existence is proof of that. You already know the answers to all your questions and we have already said too much."

Aislinn closed her eyes, then slumped to the ground. The wind died down and then all anyone could here were the crickets singing in the dark of night. Buffy looked at Spike with concern. He stood up, obviously lost in thought as he muttered thanks to Giles and the two witches. He walked a couple of feet away from them, staring up at the night sky.

Buffy tentatively followed. "Spike?"

"Yes, love?"

"I hope that helped. "

"I don't know. I guess. I think I'm starting to remember."

"Uhm.. I'll go help Giles and them clean up." She said turning to leave Spike to sort out his thoughts.

"Buffy? Was I worthy?" He asked still staring up at the night sky.

"Worthy of what?"

"Everything ... Being your champion?”

“Of course you were! You were a champion. You closed the Hellmouth.”

“Was I worthy? ... Am I worthy to be with you?”, he let out a long sigh. “I didn't want redemption. I knew who I was and made no qualms about it. But when I hurt you … when I caused the one thing I cherished the most in this world pain, I felt … I knew … I knew I wasn't meant to be with someone as pure and as loving as you. So I did it. Got me a soul I did. Only to have it weigh heavily on me -- the things I've done, the lives I've taken. I knew you deserved better. But like a bloody ponce I still wanted you." He turned to look at her, his eyes searching for some semblance of understanding from her.

"They gave me back my life, wiped my slate clean, but it was all window dressing. I remember now. They gave me back my humanity. They gave me the chance to start my life over to live the life that I never got to because I died. But the demon in me didn't want to leave. So it hid itself inside me, dormant ... waiting. I was human. ... I was human again." Spike said in realization as all the puzzle pieces seem to fit now. "It was a good life, but somehow I always knew something was missing. It didn't seem like that life was worth it. None of it seemed worth it without you. The demon part of me, I guess the Spike part of me, lived while William slept, that's why he would dream. That was the only time I guess that I could come out. I guess that's the reason why William's dreams were all of my memories."

Spike took a deep breath. "All I had of you were memories which I relived in dreams ... William's dreams ... playing them over and over because I didn't want to ever forget you. I had to see you Buffy. ... Had to come back. ... Had to return to you. So I guess even in death, my second human death, I didn't find peace. I can remember other lifetimes now, other places where I lived inside, hoping that I would see you, the demon silent until ... "

"Collin .... " Buffy finished for him.

"Yes, Collin, my nephew, my descendant, my blood. I had no children in my human life, never quite finding the right woman to wed because there was only you. Collin came from my cousin Michael's family. They were the only family I had left. Collin had fire within him, he had yearning and I bonded with his soul, his soul so similar to mine. But I couldn't make my presence known. Then fate stepped in, and Dru called to me. Her deadly kiss awoke me, brought me to the fore. But Collin abhorred the vampire demon. He still does. As much as we are alike, he hates everything and anything I am except for one thing." Spike looked up at Buffy with love in his eyes. "You ... "

"He loves you, Buffy. I love you. I want nothing more than to stay here. But I know I'm not worthy. Was never worthy. But I got my wish. I got to see you again. I held you in my arms one more time." Spike shifted his gaze down, feeling a little embarrassed at this admission. He took a deep breath. "I think it's time for me to rest. Collin has had enough nightmares. Perhaps it's time I gave him peace." He sad with sadness in his eyes.

"Spike! I ... "

"I'll be here, always." He said cupping her cheek with his hand and lifting his eyes to look at her. "I'll smile when he kisses you. I'll be holding you close when he wraps his arms around you. Be kind to the little bugger. He's more fragile than he lets on."

"No. It would be wrong. It would be unfair. I refuse for you to kill a part of him. Don't you see? No matter what you say, Collin is who he is because of you. No matter how much you think he hates you, he's still a part of you and you're still a part of him." Buffy pleaded.

"He doesn't want me. He's lived cowering in fear of my shadow. He has to ... "

Buffy put a finger to his lips to stop him from talking. "Spike, have you heard nothing? You said so yourself you bonded with him, so in essence the two of you are the same person. You are worthy Spike, you were, are my champion. Why do you doubt that? Why do you beat yourself up?"

"I can never atone for my sins."

"You've saved countless lives when you closed the Hellmouth and even more when your fought
Wolfram and Hart. You need to let it go. You need to forgive yourself. You told me once to live. I'm telling it to you now."

Spike looked down on the ground, knowing she was right but he still felt guilty.

"You told me that I held your heart and your soul." Buffy said but Spike was about to protest, knowing those words didn't come from him. Buffy shook her head in response. "No, Collin said them to me, but I believe you were there too. Both of you laying your heart bare. Trust me? Let me be your sunrise." Buffy implored.

"So many sins, so many deaths. I’m a monster Buffy, not a man. You’ve convinced me enough times in the past. How can you be with a monster?"

Buffy was hurt for a moment at his words. She had said those words to him, used him for her own selfish purposes then cast him aside. She had mocked his affections, dismissed it as obsession until he went and sought his soul… for her. She couldn’t blame him that he doubted her. She had pushed him away but she was ready now… wiser now. "I believe in you and you are no monster. You fought beside me, went against your nature and saved countless lives. Do you still feel unworthy, Spike?" she said cupping his face with her hands.

"I ... it never feels like I've done enough."

"Spike ... Collin ... You need to let it go. Your guilt will destroy you. I think it's the guilt that's keeping your two sides apart. I know it's not easy but I believe in you. I know you can do it. You need to live, like you told me years ago. Please? ... " Buffy said, pulling him close and wrapping her arms around him tightly. "I'm here. I'll be with you. I'll help you live."

"Buffy ... I don't know if I ... "

"Shh ... I'm not going anywhere. I'm where I'm suppose to be."

Spike took in her warmth and her scent. This was all he always wanted. "Buffy ... my angel, my unicorn, ... My Lady of Summer." he murmured. "I found you."


**
A/N: Just one more chapter to go which I will be posting tonight as well. It will be more like an epilogue I guess.
 
17 - My Name
 
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.

**

Chapter 17 - My Name

Buffy leaned down in front of a fairly large tombstone. She placed a bouquet of blood red roses in front of it. She stood up and then moved beside the man with her, grasping his left hand with her right.

William Pratt
1852 - 1911
Beloved Son, Cousin and Uncle
Inspired Poet and Artist
May he be eternally with those he loved


"This all feels surreal, pet."

"You're telling me? I bet you did it so that you could gloat and say you died twice like me."

"Please don't bring that up. That was 147 days of pain."

Buffy smiled, feeling lucky to have been loved so dearly. It had taken her a while to cope with life after coming back the second time. But she was living now, this world was not hell. This world was far from hell, especially with her love beside her. "Did Arianna say anything about your condition?"

"You make it sound like a disease, love. She said I'll most probably remain a demon, that it's part of who I am, who I always was. So I guess I get the best of both worlds. Vampire fangs and the other perks without any unpleasant side effects."

"And how are you dealing with who you are today?"

"Trying to psychoanalyze me, pet?"

"And what if I am?"

"Coping. It's strange. Before, it felt like there was two of me, now I can't really tell the difference. I guess I have you to thank for that. But I'm happy ... very happy. ... I think I'll continue being a Watcher. I don't want to be away from Emily and I believe I made a promise to protect a certain Slayer."

"So Mr. Pratt, how do I call you?"

"Do you have to be so formal?" he said pulling her into his arms and attacking her lips playfully. "Thought we threw formality out the window last night, my little minx." He heard her giggling mixed with a soft moan as he leaned in for a more passionate kiss, enjoying the feel of her lips on him, of her body pressed closely to his. It was liberating somehow. He let one hand explore her body, ignoring the thought in his mind that this was slightly inappropriate. But the thought was nagging at him so he opened one eye and moved to hide their embrace behind a large tree. He broke the kiss reluctantly but only so he could stare down at her eyes, the eyes that had haunted him for so many years, scores even. He wanted more, knew that he would never ever tire of watching her, of loving her. He dipped his head down again to capture her lips, this time his movements being more suggestive as he conveyed to her his need to be with her.

Feeling that things might get embarrassingly out of hand, Buffy gently pulled away from him. She smiled, never really knowing that she could ever be this happy. "You're trying to distract me." she proclaimed.

"That was kind of the point, love." he said with a chuckle as he leaned in for another kiss.

Buffy playfully put one finger up against his lips and giggled. "You ain't getting away from my question that easily."

With slight resignation, he tilted his head and thought about that for a minute. Spike didn't seem appropriate anymore. That was the name of a vampire that took anything and everything from the world for over a century. Collin was the name of a boy who wanted to be free. But he found himself chasing the memory of a monster and wanting to capture the heart of a lady. He was both. He looked at the tombstone again, chuckling to himself at the irony of it all. He had hated that part of him for the length of his unlife. One deadly kiss from a woman, gave him freedom and brought him to the one thing he thought he would never earn. He found love in its purest form -- no attachments, no requirements. But deep down, he loathed himself and saw himself unfit to bear such love. So he went and searched for his soul. With his soul, he saw the sins he had committed and with his actions, he strove to redeem himself, fulfilling a prophecy that he thought was meant for another. But he did it. He was granted his reward. But he didn't want his life back. He only wanted the love of the woman who made him feel.

His words on paper, have spoken that despite his dreams, he lived life as best as he could. The only thing missing was his Lady of Summer. So he searched for her, through years, through lives an abomination indeed for a demon to seek the love of a Slayer. And here he was, his lady by his side, his demon content, his soul still troubled, but now living.

"Call me by my middle name, love. I think I can live with it now."

"Middle name? I don't think you ever told me."

"I'll give you a hint. I wear his face."

Buffy's lips curled into a smirk at the realization of what is was. She cursed herself silently at not figuring it out sooner. It was ironic, or maybe prophetic that his parents named him such. "I love you, Collin William Pratt. ... My love ... My William!"

"And I love you, my sweet angel, my Slayer, my Buffy, my Lady of Summer."


The End

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A/N: That's it! The confusion fest is over. Please leave reviews I can take it. Thanks for reading!