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Stage Fright by angelic_amy
 
Chapter 1
 
Summary: After yet another disastrous birthday Buffy decides to make some changes, beginning with her love life. Set in season six of the BtVS timeline, after ‘Older and Far Away’.
Beta: Megan

Disclaimer: Buffy, Spike and the other characters herein are the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. No copyright infringement is intended.



Stage Fright
by angelic_amy


Chapter 1


Buffy was absolutely, positively convinced that she was cursed.

Someone or something must have place a hex on her. Or maybe she'd been unknowingly branded when she'd first set foot in town. Either way, every birthday she’d celebrated in Sunnydale since the move from LA, something bad had happened. Nearly being choked to death by a decapitated arm, her boyfriend losing his soul and going on a massacre, the loss of her powers and resulting broken trust at the hand of her watcher, nearly killing said watcher after he was turned into a demon, and most recently... being trapped inside her own home because of a vengeance wish.

The one common theme? Men. As of today, Buffy was giving them up. She was determined her next birthday would be celebrated as a single, and safely at that.

There was only one problem.

She had a sort of, almost--but not really, sometimes, boyfriend.

Spike.

A burble of laughter rose in her throat at the thought. While she might have been spending a lot of time recently with him, intimately at that, she wouldn’t really consider said time to be... a relationship. Not really.

Not to her at least.

But Spike...

No, he has to know this isn’t forever, this is just a...

Buffy shook away the notion. It didn’t matter what Spike considered their recent attachment to be. It wasn’t real. Not real in the way she wanted, the way she deserved. The way he deserves... something she’d never admit out loud.

It was decided.

She had to end things.

Tonight.

~*~*~


“It’s over.”

When Spike had run into the slayer in Restfield Cemetery he’d been hoping for a little rough and tumble. He supposed he should have expected the ‘it’s over’ speech; it had become an almost nightly occurrence. Each time they met she would profess the end, and each night he would convince her it was just the beginning. Tonight would be no different.

He quirked an eyebrow in amusement, clearly not believing a word she said. “Alright love, I’ll play along.”

“Spike—”

“I mean it,” Spike interrupted, his voice rising in pitch as if trying to mimic her voice. “It’s over. I don’t want to see you anymore. There will be no more life-altering shagging.”

“Spike, I said... life-altering?” Buffy tilted her head to the side in contemplation. “Really?”

“Well, yeah,” Spike answered with a nod, mirroring her with a tilt of his own. “Isn't it?”

“Wow,” Buffy breathed. “That’s just—”

She shook her head, almost as if she was trying to shake the thoughts right out. He was distracting her, and judging by the suggestive leer he was shooting her way he knew exactly what he was doing. “You’re trying to distract me, and it isn’t going to work.”

“Isn’t it?” Spike asked. With the grace of a panther he prowled forward. “Because that’s not how it looks from my end.”

“Stop it,” Buffy ordered. “Stop it, or I’ll—”

“Or you’ll... what?” Each word was punctuated with a step until there was barely a hairs breadth between them.

Buffy inhaled sharply, the closeness between them affecting her more than she would ever confess. However, Spike didn’t need her words, her response to his presence more than obvious by the increase in her heart rate, among other things.

“You want this, why can’t you just admit it?”

A shiver rolled up Buffy’s spine. Though his words rang with truth she couldn’t allow this to continue. Despite her earlier conviction, she could feel her resolve weakening. She had to be strong.

Spike could see that Buffy was wavering; her earlier bluster had left her sails. With her resistance waning, now was about the time he could normally convince her to change her mind, be it with his words, his kiss, or his touch. This time would be no different.

I’m not going to give in; I’m not going to give in... The words repeated over and over in Buffy’s mind, a mantra she was desperately trying to hold on to.

Spike caressed Buffy’s arm, a trail of gooseflesh rising in the wake of his fingers. Why did it have to feel so good? She supposed that if being with him, being with Spike, if it lacked the allure then she wouldn’t be in her current position, trying to fight her desire. The way he made her feel, it was addictive. The rush of excitement, the pleasure, the element of danger which always accompanied their secret trysts, it was elicit and she craved it.

Since returning from the dead it was only with him that she felt any sort of... peace.

Funny that, the times she felt most alive was when in the company of a dead man.

If there was one thing she’d learned about Spike over the duration of their clandestine affair, it was that he was a man. Unlike the majority of his kind Spike was not ruled by his demon. He felt, he desired, he loved. He loved her.

He loved her, yet another reason why it had to end now.

Buffy met his gaze and held it, only to drop her chin a moment later. It was the most surprising thing about him, just how expressive his eyes were. After all this time she was blown away by the magnitude of feeling, of adoration that shone from them. Adoration Buffy did not want to see right now. It would make leaving harder than it already was.

“I don’t want this,” Buffy lied, keeping her face as straight as possible despite the fact she knew Spike would see through it immediately.

“Buffy—”

“No,” she interrupted. “No, you need to listen, Spike. I’m telling you it’s over. I can’t do this anymore.”

Spike shook his head in disagreement. This wasn’t how things were supposed to be. She’d never been this certain before, and that didn’t bode well for him. He couldn’t lose her, not now. Despite what she was saying, Spike knew she didn’t want this to end. He didn’t want this to end. He knew he’d never captured her heart—and seriously doubted he’d ever be so lucky to claim it as his own—but he had something, a small part of her, and he couldn’t give that up. Losing her was not a price he was willing to take.

“Buffy, how can you just throw this away? What we have is—”

“What we have?” Buffy laughed half-heartedly. She looked to the heavens in search of guidance, but was met with nothing but the twinkling stars. “What we have,” she repeated with a little more ferocity, “is a joke.”

“No, you don’t believe that. I can’t accept that.” Spike shook his head vigorously. “This,” he indicated with a wave of his hand between them, “this is real.”

“To you, maybe,” Buffy conceded quietly. “To me...” She trailed off.

“What?” Spike demanded furiously. “If it’s not real to you, then please, enlighten me. What is it?”

“It’s an escape, nothing more.” She sighed with defeat. This was harder than she’d anticipated it to be. “A temporary reprieve from my not-so-perfect life.”

Spike’s expression softened and his eyes flooded with emotion. “That’s okay. I can be your escape. You need this, you need me!” He thumped his chest emphatically. “With time, with time you could grow to—”

Love me...

The words died on his lips when he met her emerald gaze. She meant it, every word. And it broke his heart.

Spike’s Adam's apple bobbed with choked emotion. This was it, the end he’d been desperately trying to prevent. “I can wait.”

“No, Spike. You can’t.” Buffy reached out to touch his cheek, but withdrew when he began to lean toward her open palm. She didn't trust herself to be able to stop. “I can’t. I won’t take advantage of you any longer. I don’t want to be that sort of person.”

“Buffy, please...”

“Spike...”

Although she said only his name, the word alone carried with it so much meaning.

“Is there someone else?” He did mean it to sound like an accusation, but he couldn’t stop himself from asking. He couldn’t believe she was ending it just because. There had to be a reason... someone else would be reason enough.

“Would it make it easier if I said there was?” she asked gently. Then, without waiting for his presumed nod, “No, there’s no-one else.” When his eyes lit up with hope, ever so slightly, she knew she had to extinguish it. “But one day there will be.”

“It could—”

Be me...

“It won’t.”

It can’t...

“No, I can’t accept this.”

“You have to. It’s over.”

Spike blinked back tears which were threatening to fall. This was it. The end.

Without even a farewell, Buffy turned on her heel and began to walk away into the night. And for a moment she thought he was going to let her leave.

“Just...” Spike faltered, swallowing hard to reign in his emotions. “Just answer one question.”

Buffy stopped and turned slowly. She met his gaze, and despite the pain she saw reflected in those expressive orbs, she did not falter. They may be ending, but she would give him this... her respect. She nodded her consent.

“Was it something I did? Did I—”

“Do something wrong?” she finished for him. Spike didn’t need to respond, the dejection in his eyes was answer enough. “No, no you didn’t.”

The relief which flooded Spike’s expression was miniscule, and it was fleeting. But it was something.

And with that Buffy left Spike, her departure signalling the end of their union once and for all.



~~~~~~~~~~
To be continued... feedback would be loved!

 
Chapter 2
 
Chapter 2


The front door to the Summers’ residence shut behind her with a click. It was the sound of closure, both in a realistic and symbolic sense. She’d finally done it, ended her relationship with Spike. This was supposed to be a relief; she should be feeling like a weight had lifted from her shoulders.

So why was it that all she felt was emptiness?

A sob she hadn’t realised was there clawed at her throat, and she desperately clamped a hand over her mouth to trap it. Allowing it to escape, becoming emotional over what was supposed to be an emotionless break-up would mean she had been more involved, more affected by the pseudo-relationship than she cared to give credit for.

It was done, there was no going back.

She finally had her fresh start.

It was time to rediscover herself, to learn what life could be like without the complications of a male entanglement.

And just as soon as she had control over her emotions she was going to do just that, starting with some long overdue rest.

~*~*~


A loud crunch echoed throughout the crypt when Spike slammed his fist into the stone wall of the tomb, the resulting pain coursing up his arm, yet he hardly even felt it. He was numb, thanks in part to the anesthetizing effect of the scotch he’d been guzzling for the past hour. He was on the drunken express, well beyond sloshed and nearing pass out station.

It was still so surreal, he couldn't quite grasp the fact it had actually happened. Buffy had ended it. For real. And she wasn't coming back to him.

Blood dripped from his broken knuckles but he paid it no attention. It wasn’t like it mattered; wasn’t like he mattered.

Without Buffy... without her, he was nothing.

~*~*~


Tara entered the Summers’ house early the next morning to the sound of silence. The blonde wicca knew her former girlfriend was most likely in class at UCSD, but she hadn’t expected the house to be so noiseless. Dawn wasn’t exactly known for being quiet.

“Dawn?” she called, to which she received no response. If the teen was home she would certainly have replied. Over the last few months they’d formed a close bond, and the younger Summers girl would never ignore that friendship.

For a moment Tara considered leaving, but then she realised someone must be home because the front door wasn’t locked.

“Buffy, it’s Tara. Are you home?”

She was greeted only by silence.

“Buffy,” Tara tried again, moving toward the steps and climbing them quietly. She didn’t want to wake the slayer if she’d been out patrolling late. At the top of the stairs she called for Buffy once more, and this time Tara received an answer. A quiet sob alerted the witch to her friend’s presence. She was in the bathroom.

Approaching the door, Tara balled a fist and knocked on it gently.

“Buffy, are you alright?”

Seconds passed before a weak reply. “I’m fine.”

Tara wasn’t convinced. Placing a hand on the doorknob she asked permission to enter. “Can I come in?” A muffled ‘sure’ was the consent she’d sought so she turned the knob.

The slayer was sitting on the bathroom floor, knees to her chest, arms hanging weakly at her sides, looking less like the fierce warrior she was and more like a lost little girl. The redness of her cheeks suggested she’d been crying for some time. Buffy must have noticed Tara’s assessment of her ragged appearance, because she wiped at her cheeks roughly in an attempt to hide the evidence of her sorrow.

“Buffy,” Tara said gently. “What’s wrong?”

“Really, it’s nothing. It’s silly.”

Tara shook her head in disagreement. “I don’t believe it’s nothing. It’s not like you to become upset over something which doesn’t matter.”

Buffy met Tara’s gaze and her face crumpled at the concern in her friend’s eyes. She didn’t deserve sympathy.

“Tara, it’s okay. I guess I’m just having one of those days.”

Tara was—if anything—intuitive. She knew a lie when she saw one and Buffy was being far from truthful. For a moment she was silent, weighing up the possibilities before she settled upon a specific question.

“Was it Spike?”

“What?” Buffy gasped. “No, of course not. Spike didn’t do anything to me.”

Tara didn’t need to ask, the question was reflected clearly from her eyes.

“I ended it.”

“You did?” Tara’s eyebrows rose with surprise. “But I thought—”

“It’s for the best. I don’t even know what I was thinking... being with him in the first place.” Buffy shook her head sadly. “If Xander or Giles knew...” She trailed off, inhaling a deep shuddery breath. “Like I said, it’s for the best.”

“Why?” Tara asked. “Why is it the best, and for whom?”

“What?” Confusion wrinkled her brow. Tara’s question confounded her. A relationship with a vampire would only lead to bad things; not only for herself but potentially to the people she loved. Her relationship with Angel had proved this.

“You can’t make decisions about your love—”

“I don’t love Spike,” Buffy insisted vehemently.

Tara was silent for a moment before she nodded once. “Maybe not, but can you honestly say there’s nothing there?”

Shame coloured Buffy’s cheeks.

“Then... then why do it?”

“I told you, the others...”

Tara shook her head with disbelief. “They’re not you, Buffy. And they have no right to make decisions about your lo— romantic life. Only you can make those choices.”

A melancholy smile curled Buffy’s lips. “You know what they’re like, Tara. My choices will never make them happy. And this is Spike we’re talking about. I couldn’t pick someone worse to form an attachment with. He’s an evil, soulless, manipulative vampire, who’s tried to kill me and my friends dozens of times and—”

“Did you love Angel any less when he lost his soul?”

The question was blunt, surprising not only Buffy but Tara herself. The slayer gasped, her already watery eyes filling with more tears.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that,” the gentle witch apologised. “But can you honestly tell me that Spike is the same ‘evil’ vampire he used to be?”

Contemplation silenced Buffy, long quiet seconds passing before she found an answer. “So he hasn’t tried to kill any of us lately, but what’s to say it’s over? He could just be regrouping.”

Scepticism lifted Tara’s brows. “Buffy, he may be far from sainthood, but Spike is not underhanded. He wouldn’t use you like that.”

No, I was using him...

“I can’t predict the future but I can tell you that Spike isn’t the same vampire he used to be. He nearly died trying to save Dawn’s life, on more than one occasion.” Tara paused when Buffy winced in remembrance of the near loss of her sister. “And it’s not just Dawn he’s protected either; he’s put himself at risk for all of us at one stage or another. That doesn’t sound like the deeds of an evil being to me.”

Though Tara’s words rang with truth, Buffy did not want to acknowledge them. In a matter of minutes the witch had torn her reasoning for ending the relationship to shreds, and Buffy couldn’t—wouldn’t—second guess herself. Not this time.

“If there’s something there, something at all, you’ve got to give it a chance.”

Buffy shook her head in denial. “I don’t need an advocate, my mind is made up.”

“Buffy—”

“I... I can’t. I can’t do that again.”

Before Tara could give voice to her question, Buffy had leapt to her feet and fled out of the bathroom. A few seconds later a bang of the front door signalled Buffy’s escape.

“Do what?”

~*~*~


Buffy had been wandering the streets of Sunnydale for hours, avoiding her usual haunts just in case Tara was out looking for her. She knew the way she’d run out of the house was immature; Tara had only been trying to help. She’d offered an unbiased opinion and an impartial ear, something Buffy had struggled to receive from her other, more long-held friends.

Xander, Willow, Giles... they didn’t mean to be the way they were, Buffy was sure of it. They just wanted the best for her. Not unlike her former... always making decisions for her instead of compelling her to come to her own conclusions. But Tara was right, that didn’t mean they had the right to dictate who she did or did not date. That decision was hers to make. Why was that such a hard concept for them to comprehend?

More importantly, why had Buffy let them get away with it for so long?

When she chose someone to be with they picked at their faults, and when she was content to remain single they pushed potential dates upon her. Like Richard, from Xander’s work. Or Scott.

Buffy might not have the greatest taste in men but her friends didn’t fair any better when it came to selecting her partners. She’d tried dating Joe Regular, but that didn’t work. And dating vampires was just as disastrous, even without the side order of Council disapproval. Dating the supernatural was too complicated; it messed with the black and white ordering of her life. Factoring in a degree of evil on per vamp basis would make slaying a hell of a lot harder than it already was.

Unless Superman was on the market for a new Lois she didn’t like her chances of finding someone who could match her strength minus the ‘bad guy’ tag.

Hang on a second... she thought. Isn’t he from another galaxy?

“Great,” Buffy muttered. “I’ve exhausted my options to the point I’m considering dating an alien. Could I be more of a freak?”

A moment passed before horror sunk in.

“Oh my god, those nerds are rubbing off on me!”

It had to be the case... how else could she explain her newfound knowledge about a comic book character?

She sighed loudly.

Why did it have to be so hard?

And what had happened to her plan to remain single?

Alone for less than twenty-four hours and she was already considering jumping back into the dating pool. It was pathetic. Of course Buffy knew why relationships were on the brain... so much of her life was solitary. The tag of ‘slayer’ was not a label that was easy to live with, and she didn’t even abide by Council rules. If they’d had their way she would’ve been taken from her family, separated from her friends, and dating would be strictly prohibited.

At times, when life was particularly hectic, Buffy sometimes caught herself wondering what that life would be like. A life where her only responsibility, her sole purpose of being, was to slay. She believed in some respects it would possibly be easier, but she never wished for it. She knew she wouldn’t be able to stand the solitude.

That’s why Buffy knew despite her plan to fly solo for a while, it wouldn’t be long before she found herself on the market again.

She only hoped she could avoid making the same mistakes again.



~~~~~~~~~~
To be continued... feedback would be loved!
 
Chapter 3
 
Chapter 3


The Bronze was pulsating with life. The music reverberated off the walls, the base element the club’s heartbeat. Hormone driven co-eds ground against each other on the dance floor unabashedly, each single searching for a mate. Sweat, alcohol and cigarettes mingled together to form a noxious cloud in the air and Buffy scrunched her nose in disgust.

She really didn’t want to be here, hadn’t planned on going out save for a quick patrol she’d completed at dusk. She wasn’t in the mood for company, especially that of her friends. A night spent curled on the sofa watching a good movie and eating comfort food had been her plan, an idea quashed by Willow when the redhead had returned from class. “You have to come,” she’d been informed. “There’s a new band in town we just have to see.” Despite her best protestations she’d caved, Willow’s ‘kicked puppy’ eyes and cleverly worded guilt trip a combination she was unable to resist.

So here she was, at the Bronze, for what was supposed to be a night out with the friends.

Ambush more like it...

“Oh, didn’t I tell you I was bringing a friend from class?” Willow questioned with faux innocence.

“No, you really didn’t,” Buffy replied dryly, arching a brow in accusation.

Tara shot her a look of apology and Buffy shrugged her acceptance. It wasn’t like she was responsible for this little set-up; she and Willow were still broken up. Besides, this had Willow’s trademark stamped all over it.

“It’s a real coincidence actually—”

“I’m sure it is. Excuse me.” Before Willow could deliver the ‘why he’s perfect Buffy-boyfriend potential’ spiel she most likely had prepared, Buffy made her way to the bar. She needed a drink.

Finding a space at the bar she ordered a cocktail. If her dark mood was going to lighten, even slightly, it was going to have to be persuaded with alcohol.

~*~*~


Hidden in the shadows of the mezzanine, high above the dance floor, he watched. He’d known the second she’d set foot inside the Bronze and had been watching her ever since. At first he’d been pleased, he’d been so desperate to see her. Then their conversation from the night before had flashed across his mind, taunting him, and any plans for niceties had been quashed. He’d known rejection was imminent, he just hadn’t expected it so soon. A creature as wholesome as the Slayer wouldn’t sully herself by forming a lasting attachment to a vampire.

At least not a soulless one, he thought bitterly.

Of course, that didn’t mean he hadn’t hoped she’d stay, that for once he’d be deemed worthy.

He should’ve known better.

God, she looks gorgeous.

Spike hated that she affected him so much, that she had such a powerful hold over him. Like a lamb to the slaughter he was drawn to her. Captivated, lost to her beauty and blinded by her purity. He’d follow her into daylight, if only she’d let him be near. Let him love her.

But she wouldn’t. Not any longer. She’d made that perfectly clear the night before. And standing here now, in her presence, it burned. His heart ached and his body called for her.

She told him it was over, that she didn’t need him anymore. And if that’s what she truly wished for, then so be it. No more touching, no more kissing, no more... just no more.

He’d leave her be.

But that didn’t mean he wouldn’t watch out for her.

~*~*~


One drink down and currently sipping on her second, Buffy finally rejoined her friends at their usual table. The desire to be elsewhere had in no way lessened, but she hadn’t left yet. If she wanted to reclaim her life she had to start somewhere. Dodgy blind date might as well be the starting point.

“So, what are you studying?”

“Huh?” Buffy blinked, apologetic eyes turning toward her not-date Steve. “I’m sorry, I was miles away.”

“That’s alright,” he smiled with sickly sweetness. “I just asked what you’re studying.”

“I’m not,” Buffy replied. “I dropped out last semester; family troubles.”

A frown crinkled Steve’s brow. “A good education is key to a successful life, Buffy. You should consider returning.”

If she hadn’t been so shocked by his statement Buffy would’ve retorted with something snappy and in-his-place-putting. It was a miracle her jaw hadn’t hit the table. Was he for real? Since when was it okay for a complete stranger to give her life advice?

Buffy was beyond uncomfortable, yet the only person who seemed aware of that fact was Tara. Her supposed best friend, Willow, was smiling at her with pride; apparently she seemed to think the set-up was a success. When Buffy met her gaze with a tried and tested ‘get me out of here’ signal, the redhead gave her a thumbs up. As for Xander and Anya, they were too wrapped up in an argument about how ‘their friend Richard’ was a better match to notice her discomfort.

It was too much. Buffy needed to get out of here.

“I think I might get myself another drink, this one’s a little on the empty side.”

Steve frowned. “It’s over half full.”

With a large gulp, Buffy downed the rest of the tequila, wincing at the burn of the alcohol down her throat. “Like I said, empty. Excuse me.”

Without waiting for a response, Buffy took off toward the welcome escape of the ladies toilets.

~*~*~


Ten minutes later the Slayer was weighing up the pros and cons of returning to her friends. She didn’t think she could put up with another minute of Mr Righteous’ company, but she didn’t want to walk out without saying goodbye to the others. With a sigh of defeat she succumbed to the inevitable and turned to make her way back across the dance floor.

And bumped into the last person she’d expected to see. The rest of the world faded away until all that was left was them.

“Spike, what are you doing here?” Buffy squeaked, her cheeks colouring with embarrassment at her voice’s betrayal. To say she was surprised to see him was an understatement. Seeing him at the Bronze, while not something new, was unexpected. It was one of her haunts, she’d thought he would have avoided any of her old haunts.

“Didn’t realise you had a monopoly on the place, love,” Spike drawled. “S’pose we should’ve discussed custody of the joint when we got the divorce.”

Buffy frowned quizzically. “What?”

“Figure o’ speech,” Spike waved off.

“Oh.”

Seconds passed, the silence between them eaten up by the roar of the band.

Buffy began to fidget under his appraisal. She could feel his eyes roaming over her while she studiously looked anywhere but at him.

“Look, Spike—”

“I’ll go,” he interrupted.

Buffy’s mouth parted slightly in surprise, and Spike’s gaze zeroed in on her luscious lips instantly. Her bottom lip jut out slightly, almost as if she were pouting, and he wanted nothing more than to suckle—

No, not going there... he chastised, but it was too late; a dozen possibilities of what he wanted to do were already floating across his mind’s eye.

“Why?”

Her quiet question snapped his concentration, his gaze lifting to hers. Gone was the sentiment she’d seen just moments ago, a wall had gone up inside of him and now he looked at her with nothing more than indifference. It hurt.

“Wouldn’t want to spoil your date,” he scowled.

The beginning of a grin curled Buffy’s lips at the jealous tone present in his voice. She didn’t know why it mattered, it just did.

Of course, Spike mistook her smile as happiness over her date, which only worsened his foul mood.

“Gotta say, Slayer, you move quick.”

Buffy gasped at the contempt in his voice. “What?”

Spike shrugged. “I call ‘em like I see ‘em.”

“When then you’re seeing wrong!” Enraged by the blatant slur, Buffy fired her own insult. “You always were thick in the head, Spike.”

“Me!?” Spike snarled. “I’m not the one who was oblivious to the fact he only wants one thing.”

“Like you were any different?” she sneered.

“I am different. I wasn’t the emotionally challenged one in this relationship, sweetheart.”

“No just intellectually!” Buffy fired back, then adding as an afterthought, “and I’m not your sweetheart.”

“You got that right,” Spike scoffed. “You’re anything but sweet. I’ve met Gavrok demons with kinder temperaments than you.”

Buffy gasped with incredulity. “You’re comparing me to flesh-eating demon spiders?”

“If the shoes fits,” Spike shrugged.

“You’re an asshole,” Buffy hissed.

“And you’re a cold, unfeeling bitch. Maybe I should warn the new guy.”

“I don’t even like the guy!” Buffy protested angrily, still reeling from the insults he’d thrown. Never had Spike spoken to her this way.

“Stringin’ another one along, eh Summers? Why am I not surprised?”

Frozen by shock, Buffy watched as Spike turned and stalked away.

Buffy was shaking with rage and wanted nothing more than to follow Spike and beat an apology out of him, but he was long gone. A few moments later she deflated, the fight in her dying and sorrow taking its place.

Once more, she was alone.

~*~*~


Needless to say, Buffy cut the night of ‘partying fun’ short after the argument with Spike. A quick goodbye to her friends and she’d walked home, making several stops on the way in search of something to hit. The two fledglings she did happen to cross paths with lasted little more than a minute, the hollow kills barely taking the edge off her pain.

Sleep had come and gone intermittently; the times she had managed to fall into it deeply were plagued with dreams of Spike.

It was with a heavy heart Buffy greeted the morn and padded downstairs for some coffee.

“Morning, Buffy,” Dawn greeted cheerfully. “How was the Bronze?”

Buffy grunted unintelligibly in response.

“That bad, huh?”

“Bad doesn’t even come close.”

“Sorry.” Dawn offered a wry smile.

“I’ll be okay,” Buffy promised. With a great deal of effort she brightened her expression. There was no reason Dawn should be subjected to her bad mood. “So how was your night?”

“Great!” Dawn exclaimed. “We watched a couple movies and had a candy pig-out. I felt kind of ooky after, but I’m all good now.”

“Glad to hear it.”

The sisters ate breakfast in silence, a knock on the front door disturbing the quiet.

“I’ll get it,” Dawn announced as she leapt from her seat.

She returned a short while later with Tara in tow.

Within seconds Buffy’s eyes had filled with tears.

“Oh Buffy,” Tara shushed as she moved beside her. The weeping slayer clutched at her when she was within reaching distance, and Tara did her best to soothe her whilst indicating to Dawn she should leave. The younger girl didn’t want to leave at first, but she trusted Tara’s instincts.

“I’ll just be going upstairs to my room now,” Dawn announced. The thud of her feet on the stairs confirmed her exit.

“Tell me everything.”

~*~*~


Half an hour and a box of tissues later, Buffy had retold her encounter with Spike the night before.

“Buffy, what was it about what Spike said bothers you the most?”

“What do you mean?” Buffy asked. “It’s pretty obvious. I mean... the things he said were—”

“Cruel?” At Buffy’s nod, Tara continued. “Maybe. Definitely,” she amended at the sour look the Slayer shot her way. “But why do you care?”

Buffy opened her mouth to explain but Tara interrupted. “I mean, you broke up with him because you didn’t care, right? And I’m sure you’ve heard worse things in the past, and not just from Spike.”

“I suppose,” the Slayer muttered in agreement.

“Don’t you know yourself well enough to identify when someone is important to you?”

When Buffy began to shake her head in disagreement Tara fixed her with a stern look. The witch was right. If she wasn’t going to take responsibility for her own choices, wasn’t able to realise who she wanted, then she might as well sign over her dating rights to her friends.

She didn’t know what was scarier, taking responsibility or admitting the truth. Spike was important to her. Spike is important to me... There, she’d admitted it. If he wasn’t then she wouldn’t have become so upset after ending things with him.

Buffy’s answer was honest, if begrudging. “I suppose you’re right.”

“Of course I am.” Tara smiled brightly. “Now you just have to let him know that.”

“But I was going to try the single scene for a while, get to know myself better,” Buffy pouted.

“So how was your ‘date’ last night?” the blonde queried.

When Buffy’s nose crinkled in distaste, Tara had her answer. And Buffy knew Tara was right. Spike’s words wouldn’t have mattered so much if she didn’t care. The thought of saying as much to him was... daunting. Fear flooded her eyes as self doubt crept in once more. Her voice was barely above a whisper, but Tara did not need her to repeat the fretful question. “But what if he doesn’t want me?”

“All you can do is try.”


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To be continued... feedback would be loved!
 
Chapter 4
 
Chapter 4



Buffy was practically shivering with nervous energy.

After the deep and meaningful with Tara that afternoon, and some quiet self reflection, she’d come to a realisation. She did care. And it was a scary thought. She’d gone down that route before, had become seriously involved with a vampire, and it hadn’t ended well. There’d been blood and death and pain. Part of her was afraid the same thing would happen again, but mostly she was just afraid of being rejected. Of not being good enough. Of having her heart broken again.

The fact she even considered the possibility of heartbreak said everything. Her relationship with Spike had been more than just a fling. If given the chance it could have become something truly wonderful.

Of course, whether or not that chance was given was no longer in her hands.

Buffy stood at the entrance of Restfield Cemetery.

Her courage was walking a tightrope, at any second ready to fall, and the further she walked across that rope the more wobbly she became.

She came to a dead halt.

Oh god, I can’t do this...

Her fists were clenched by her sides so tightly that her fingernails dug into her palm. The pain was welcome, more so than the anxious butterflies in her stomach. She felt sick.

I’m not going to throw up, I’m not—

“What the bleedin’ hell are you doing here, Slayer?”

Buffy jumped so violently she was certain her feet left the ground. How was it possible he could sneak up on her without her sensing him?

Spike’s mirth was obvious in the shit-eating grin which stretched across his face. It was nice to be one up on her for a change.

“Jesus!” Buffy gasped, startled by the sudden noise. “Stalker much?”

As quickly as it had appeared, Spike’s good mood vanished.

“Me? Stalking you?” Spike spluttered. “You’re the one hangin’ out in my backyard.”

“Your backyard? It’s a public cemetery, Spike. I have just as much right to be here as you do.” Buffy folded her arms across her chest and stuck her nose in the air.

Spike opened his mouth to argue but the words died in his throat. What was the point? “Just... sod off, would you.”

Buffy blinked in surprise. “Hey! Free country here, buddy. And in case you forgot, ‘she who hangs out in cemeteries,’ that’d be me.” Hands on her hips she stared him down, her expression daring him to argue with her.

“Fine, I’ll leave.” Turning abruptly on his heel, Spike began to stomp away.

He didn’t get very far. After a moments hesitation Buffy followed after him.

“Wait a second; I’m not done with you yet.”

Spike stopped so suddenly Buffy crashed into him. Whirling around he fixed her with a furious stare.

“For once in your life make a sodding decision. You can’t keep tugging me around like this.”

“I know,” Buffy whispered. I know I haven’t been fair... and I’m sorry.

Spike blinked in surprise. “Come again?”

With a sigh, she repeated. “I said ‘I know.’”

A frown crinkled Spike’s brow. He was confused. The slayer was acting very strange. Well, stranger than normal. She was jittery, her eyes darting all around the place, settling anywhere but on his face. She was constantly shifting her weight from side to side, her fists clenching then releasing. And her heart was racing. Obviously something had her worked up into this state.

Part of him, a large part, wanted to tell her to piss off. Let her stew. She deserved it. First she ripped his heart to shreds, and then she had the gall to rub it in his face. As far as he was concerned, whatever had her worked up into this blather was probably very much deserved.

If it wasn’t for the fact he loved her so bloody much he might have been able to say just that. Despite what history dictated—that she’d take what she wanted and break his heart all over again—Spike couldn’t walk away. He was mad for her... or maybe just plain mad. But either way, the decision was made for him.

With an exaggerated sigh he spoke. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” It was an outright lie, and Buffy knew Spike would see right through it. Get it over with and apologise to him.

The vampire scowled. “All right then, if you’re going to play it that way. Find someone else to tell all your secrets to.”

“No!” Buffy said urgently. “It’s...” I’m sorry, alright? See, it’s not that hard. Just SAY it!

“It’s... what?” Spike demanded with frustration. “Just because I’ve got an eternity to live doesn’t mean I want to wait here and—”

“I’m a waste?” Buffy cried, her eyes filling with pain.

“No, I didn’t say waste, I said wai—”

“I should have known expecting you to understand was hopeless,” Buffy continued, barely even noticing that she was speaking over him. “You’re not even listening to what I’m saying!”

“Not listening?” Spike roared. He was at the end of his rope. “How do you expect a bloke to comprehend a word that comes out of your mouth when you’re talking in circles?”

“I am not! I was perfectly clear; you’re the one who’s too thick to get it.”

“Thick? You haven’t said a bloody thing which makes a lick of sense, you twit.”

Buffy huffed in displeasure. “I’m sure if I knew what that meant I’d be offended right now.”

Spike clenched his fists by his sides, his jaw ticking with frustration as he ground his teeth together.

“Well, aren’t you going to say something?”

“About WHAT!?” Spike shouted. “You keep half finishin’ sentences, it’d take a psychiatrist to figure out what the hell is goin’ on in that head of yours.”

“I said I was sorry!” Buffy shouted in return.

“No you bloody well didn’t,” Spike fired back. “I think I’d remember that, being as how I’d sooner expect hell to freeze over before an apology escaped your lips.”

Buffy’s mouth formed an ‘O.’ So caught up in what he hadn’t said she hadn’t even realised her lack of explanation. She offered a sheepish smile. “Did I not say that part out loud?”

“No, you didn’t.” A grin tugged at the corner’s of Spike’s lips. He fought it as best he could but it was of no use, he was hopeless when it came to her.

“Oops?”

A comfortable silence fell between them and Buffy was relieved by the lessening of tension. It would make saying what she needed to easier. Now all she had to do was work up the courage to actually give voice to the words.

An idea struck and a brilliant smile lit up her face. It was perfect.

“Spar with me?”

Confusion clouded Spike’s expression for the umpteenth time this evening. “What now?”

“Do you need me to speak slower?” Buffy teased light-heartedly, grinning widely at the mock glare he shot her way. “Spar. With. Me.”

“What about the chi—”

“If there’s no intent to hurt, I don’t think it will fire,” Buffy assumed.

“Who says I don’t want to hurt you?”

Should’ve seen that one coming... she mused.

“Just do it, alright!”

“Easy Slayer, no need to get your knickers in a twist.” Spike curled his tongue behind the back of his teeth cockily.

“Who says I’m wearing any?” Buffy retorted.

Is she sayin’ that…?

Spike’s resulting blank stare was just the opportunity Buffy needed to sneak a jab to the ribs. He doubled over, her choice of words distracting him.

“Come on, Spike. Don’t go soft on me. You know I can take it.”

She was deliberately taunting him, of this he was certain. Another fist sailed toward him, aimed directly for his head, however this time he was prepared. His counter-reaction was automatic, left arm rising to deflect the attack while he jabbed forward with his right.

When she dodged to the left Spike swung a roundhouse kick toward her head, his leather jacket whipping around his body as he spun. Once more she darted outside of his range.

“Too late,” Buffy retorted cheekily.

And so they fought.

The longer they sparred the more competitive they became. Each attack was more precise than its predecessor, and every defence more crucial. It was slayer against vampire, no holds barred, the way it had been in the past. The way it should be.

In minutes twin huffs and puffs of exertion coloured the night, the sounds of the fight blocking out the rest of the world. The whip of Spike’s jacket, the whistling of fists slicing through the air, and their breathing was all to be heard. The world had shrunk down until it was just them.

Nothing else mattered.

Buffy was thrilled; her plan was working. Spike’s expression was one of pure delight. Unlike others of his kind who cared only for the kill, he relished the fight. To him it was like foreplay. Without the pre-show action the slay itself was hollow. Even though Spike couldn’t truly hurt her because of the chip, she knew—beyond a shadow of a doubt—that he wouldn’t hurt her.

With that thought in mind, Buffy stopped fighting.

“Got you now,” Spike grinned victoriously, snatching her fist mid swing and pulling her toward him, her back pressed against his chest.

“Yes you do,” Buffy admitted, spinning in his arms to face him. Spike’s surprise brought a grin to her face, which softened into a smile as his surprise melted into awe. “You’ve got me.”

“Slayer, it’s not nice to joke.”

“Who says I am?” she questioned. “I’m yours, Spike. That is... if you still want me.”

“Still—” Spike struggled to find words. “I never stopped.”

Buffy blushed under his heated stare. Any anxiety she’d felt earlier had completely dissipated. Tara’s words rang in her mind. “Don’t you know yourself well enough to identify when someone is important to you?”

She knew.

Now she just had to convince Spike.

“I’m sorry,” she blurted out. “I’m sorry for my inability to make decisions. I’m sorry for changing my mind the few... several times I did. I’m sorry...” She sniffed, her eyes watering with emotion. “I’m sorry—”

“Shhh, love,” Spike shushed. “It’s alright.”

“No, it’s not,” Buffy denied vehemently. “It’s not alright. It’s not right that I treated you so badly when you were the only person who was nice to me. It’s not right that I took advantage of your feelings for me.” Tears were rolling down her cheeks and she melted that little bit more when Spike ever so gently brushed them away. “And most importantly, I’m sorry for not being honest with myself.”

Spike was silent, contemplating everything Buffy had just divulged. Never had he expected her to apologise to him, for anything. To say he was surprised was an understatement. More importantly, he was touched.

“I was afraid. Of being hurt again, of letting myself become vulnerable.”

As she'd expected Spike opened his mouth to object. She silenced him with a finger to his lips, her eyes pleading for the chance to finish what she'd started while she still had the courage.

“I should’ve told you sooner.”

Spike tilted his head in question.

With a deep breath for courage, Buffy continued. “I should’ve told you that... that I have feelings for you.”

Spike’s expression bore striking similarity to that of a goldfish, and Buffy struggled to keep a straight face. The fact she could smile at all was a testament to the fact she’d made the right decision. With Spike she was happy, and she never doubted for a second that would change. Because he would make sure she always was. She just hoped that one day she could make him feel the same way.

“If you still want me, I’d like...”

She never managed to finish the request, the words kissed off her lips by the impatient vampire. Buffy’s heart leapt and she smiled as she kissed him back with just as much fervour. Once more they duelled, each fighting for dominance yet neither really caring who won. All that mattered was that they were together.

When they broke for air a couple of minutes later, Buffy giggled.

“What’s so funny, love?”

“Can I take that as a yes?” She fluttered her eyelashes, extricating herself from Spike’s arms and taking a few steps away. “Or should I find another ‘backyard to hang out in?’”

Spike’s answering growl was low and possessive, the glint in his eye deadly.

With a squeal Buffy took off toward the crypt.

They hadn’t entirely smoothed things between them, Buffy knew she had a lot to make up for. It was going to take time to restore broken trust. Nor had everything been discussed, there was still the matter of her friends to think about. One thing was certain, she was not going to allow them to dictate her life, something she would make very clear when she informed them all of her new relationship. And she couldn't wait to see Spike's reaction.

A long road stretched before them, but they'd made progress... a fresh start.

The start of something special.


The End


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A/N: Well, there it is. This piece was a lot of fun to write, and I'm so glad that I was able to complete it before the deadline! ciley's banner is just gorgeous and I feel lucky to have been able to claim it as my own. A huge thank you to the wonderful Megan for betaing. Also, a big thank you to everyone who has left me reviews along the way, your comments and feedback have been so uplifting, I read each with a big smile on my face. I hope you enjoyed the conclusion to the story, as always feedback would be loved!