Chapter Eleven



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It was much later – or maybe even early the next day – when she finally suggested making her way to her own bed. Not that she was complaining about her current position: lying on her back beside Spike, who was watching her with a constant smile, propped up on one elbow.

“Not yet,” he murmured, dropping his head to find that spot on her neck that made her melt every time. She closed her eyes and arched into his touch, her hand reaching up and her fingers twining themselves in his blonde curls. He had one leg resting over hers and she shifted now, rubbing her leg against his, enjoying the simple contact. Her bare foot found his and she rubbed her toes over his, her hand sliding down from his hair and over his bare shoulders.

He lowered himself to the bed now, his mouth just resting against her skin, his arm draped over her waist. She rubbed her head against him almost like a cat and he tightened his grip on her, pressing a kiss to her temple. She had never imagined it could be like this between them, but things had changed so much lately and had brought them to this place. Had brought her to this place where she could let herself enjoy his closeness, his gentleness.

After some talking – interrupted and finally brought to a stop when they couldn’t stop kissing – they had spread out here, side by side. And, several hours later, they hadn’t moved. They had paused to kick off their shoes but that was as far as they had got. They had spent these twilight hours simply enjoying this newfound closeness: kissing, talking quietly, sometimes just laying in companionable silence.



Her nerves had completely disappeared after about twenty minutes and she had truly relaxed around him for perhaps the first time. She had let him in too, had talked to him of her fears for the future; she had even hinted at her ever stronger feelings for him. She hadn’t quite built up the courage to tell him straight though. There was plenty of time for that, later, after she had relearned the taste of his kisses.

She let out a little sigh of content and shifted down the bed, tucking her head under his chin and draping one arm around his waist. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and she closed her eyes, savouring the moment.

“I’ve needed this for a long time,” she murmured.

“Oh yeah?”

She nodded and he chuckled, running one hand over her hair.

“Should have said something.”

“I know,” she agreed, “But I was afraid.

Everything was different. You were different.”

“I’m still me,” he commented, “And I’m still in love with you. Getting a soul doesn’t change that.”

“But it did change you. One look and the old Spike would have had me up against the nearest surface.”

“Whether you liked or not,” Spike got out, his tone flooded with bitterness, and she jerked her head back to meet his eyes.

“Don’t,” she whispered, reaching up to press her hand to his cheek, her heart jumping with the self-loathing in his eyes, “There was never a moment when I didn’t want you, Spike. You knew that.”

“And used it against you,” he bit out, closing his eyes, his jaw strained with emotion.



She said nothing but tightened her grip on him, pressing a kiss to his neck.

“Spike,” she murmured against his skin, “I don’t want to remember that time. I don’t want to remember the awful things we did to each other. I want this to be a new start for us. Separate from all that bad history.”

He was silent for a long time and she feared what his reaction might be until he caught her face with both hands and raised her gaze to his.

“Whatever you want, Buffy,” he choked out, his voice thick with emotion, “Whatever you want, sweetheart.”

He kissed her then, his pain and his love and his despair all pouring into his kiss. She clung to him, winding her arms around him, kissing him back passionately.

Somehow, he ended up propped up above her, his body just pressed against hers as they kissed hungrily, weeks and weeks of restrained lust making them desperate, aching for more. She twisted her hands in her hair, holding his mouth to hers, one leg hooking around his. She wanted him all of a sudden, a hot insistent flame burning her up from the inside, every touch setting her alight even more. She moaned into his mouth and he broke away, breathing heavily as he regarded her with heavy-lidded eyes. She met his gaze, her chest heaving as she struggled to calm her breathing, her heart pounding so hard she thought it must sound like thunder to him.

And just like that, that pure white-hot lust dissipated. His expression softened and he lifted some of his weight off her, his lips descending to meet hers in a sweet caress.



It was this that she had longed for most in the last weeks: this sweet intimacy. There was none of the violence that had coloured their relationship before, nor even any of the insistent I-need-you-right-here kind of hunger. She was content to lay in his arms, relishing his gentle kisses, his tender caresses. She had craved this tenderness for longer than she could imagined, but had held herself away from it before and had prevented him from ever being able to show it.

Now, it all came out and she finally got to see the Spike she should have been with: the gentle, loving, tender Spike who just wanted to hold her, wanted to have this simple intimacy with her. She had been a fool to push him away so much. There was no time for regret though – she finally had her chance again and it was time to show him what she could really be like. What they could be like together. She broke away from him with a start and he looked down at her in surprise.

“I want to tell the others,” she said, “About us.”

He was stunned into momentary silence and he slid off her, moving to his former position at her side.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“Yes,” she answered firmly, “I’m not going to hide this time.”

“Buffy,” he whispered emotionally, his fingers stroking her cheek, “God, I love you.”

She caught his hand in hers, pressing it against her skin, her whole body humming with a feeling of deep content.

“I never want to hide again,” she whispered, half to herself, “Not from you and not from anyone else.”

His kiss caught her by surprise but she returned it eagerly, wrapping herself around him, losing herself in him just as she had a hundred times before.