Made by nmcil




Chapter Thirteen:





They couldn't be killing off Boone, could they? He was such eye candy, Dawn's favorite character. Apparently, Lost was going to play the 'nobody’s safe' card, making the show more daring by killing off main characters, so viewers wouldn't get a sense of security in knowing nothing permanent usually happened to them. Unfortunately, Buffy wasn't as emotionally invested in the episode as she should be. It looked like the perfect episode for a good cry - if Boone was going to die anyway - but Buffy's attention was mostly on her watch.

She gripped her thigh to stop her bouncing leg and glanced at the clock, as if its arrows would be pointing at different numbers. All time-telling devices confirmed that it was almost five p.m. and Renée wasn't back yet. Great. The one day Buffy decided to skip the castle to spend time with Andrea, only to wake up and find that Renée had taken her out to the mall. On the phone, Buffy had wanted to express her disapproval that Renée hadn't asked her permission to go out with her daughter, but then Renée had told her that she'd gotten Xander's permission. She'd said that she didn't know Buffy was home when she'd gone out with Andrea, and had assumed that Buffy was at the castle like always.

'Like always.' Renée had said it casually, but Buffy could hear the same pointed tone of Dawn's voice. "I got Willow's permission to go to Janice's since you weren't home. Like always."

Locke's anguished scream on TV matched Buffy's inner scream of frustration. Why couldn't they see how busy and burdened she was? It wasn't like she wasn't home on purpose. She had other responsibilities she had to take care of, Slayers to find and save, vampires to help and cure, and castles to run.

Her heart jumped, as did she, when she heard the sound of keys unlocking the door. Her grin gradually vanished as Xander walked into the apartment.

"Renée, my flat belly is growling ‘Big Mac!’ so I hope you didn't…" His voice died when his gaze landed on her. They stared at each other in an uncomfortable, heavy silence that was only disturbed by the sound of TV.

Buffy managed an awkward smile. "Renée isn't back yet. But she will be. Soon." Looking down at her feet, she mumbled low so he wouldn't hear, "I hope."

Xander's only response was to close the door, and then walk toward his room. Buffy's heart thumped while her mind yelled at her to stop him. He couldn't just walk away without saying a word to her; things shouldn't be this awful between them.

"Hey," she said quickly. When he didn't stop walking, she added, "Thanks for taping this week’s shows. I'm watching the new Lost episode right now. Can you believe they're …"

The door to Xander's room smacked shut, and Buffy clamped her mouth closed. Stunned, she stood there, staring at the door, knowing deep down that she was the one who’d driven their relationship to this point. But Xander was being impossible, wanting to lock her in this apartment with him and Andrea for the rest of her life, expecting her to laugh and joke and play mom for all the years to come. How could she get it into his thick head that even if he had abandoned that lifestyle for a normal life, she hadn't? So what if she was spending less time with him and Andrea? It wasn't because she wanted to; it was because she had to.

She rubbed her glassy eyes and heard the apartment's door being unlocked. With a false smile, she looked at Renée pushing Andrea's stroller inside.

"Hey, sweetie," Buffy whispered and headed toward her daughter, taking her into her arms.

"Hi," Renée said, trying to mask her surprised expression with a smile.

Buffy smiled back at her, and then returned her gaze to Andrea, who was more interested in the lock of Buffy's hair that fell on her tiny face. She opened her mouth wide and tried her best to capture the hair and suck on it. It was so adorable that Buffy found herself kissing her cheeks several times until Andrea whined in displeasure, preferring to put something in her mouth instead.

"I was thinking of venturing into homemade Mexican food tonight. But since you're here, I'm guessing you and Xander would like to have the night to yourselves."

Buffy bit her lower lip, uncomfortable. "I can't. Tonight. Lots of work at the castle."

"Oh." There was an unmistakable disappointment mixed with annoyance in Renée's eyes that switched to sympathy when she looked in the direction of Xander's room.

Buffy's throat locked, and she avoided Renée's disappointed face by looking at Andrea, who was ignoring her. She tried to get her attention, and each time she failed a piece of her heart fell, dripping onto the floor one after another. Suddenly, the apartment started to get smaller, suffocating her, and all she wanted at the moment was to be out in the fresh air, away from the heated stare.

Hearing Xander's door open, she handed Andrea to Renée in haste. "I gotta go." She patted her pocket to make sure her cell phone was there, slipped into her sneakers, and hurried out of the apartment, not daring to look back.


~*~*~*~



With small, numb steps, Buffy made her way to the Bow Bar, barely gazing ahead. She preferred looking at her feet, how each one dragged itself forward, losing enthusiasm for everything, just like the rest of her. The light breeze sent shivers down her body, reminding her that she'd gone out without wearing a jacket. She wrapped her arms around herself, lifting her eyes up; there was no need to cause trouble by bumping into people.

A dull feeling spread inside her when the Bow Bar was in sight. Spike was sitting on top of a car parked in front of the pub, staring at the passing people and smoking. When he noticed her approaching him, he gave her a look that annoyed her. "You're late," he said, throwing his cigarette butt on the ground to lie next to its buddies.

"Sorry," she said under her breath. It had been dusk when she'd left her apartment, but now the streetlights and the shops were the only source of light around.

"You all right?" His voice sounded concerned. "You look like hell."

She unconsciously touched her uncombed hair, and then tucked the messy strands behind her ears. "Whatever," she said, already walking to the bus station, not bothering to make sure he followed her.

Her gaze still on the ground, she saw her sneakers walking in line with Spike's black boots. No questions she didn't feel like answering were asked, and the silence this time was appreciated, helping her think about the uncomfortable one she had earlier.

"Is that our bus?" Spike asked.

Buffy looked up, her eyes widening in alarm. "Run!" she yelled, dashing toward the bus that was just beginning to move. After excessive knocking on the door, the driver stopped the bus to let them in.

"Should've learned how to drive a car already," Spike remarked. "We would've been there without all this racket."

She ignored him and took a seat next to the window. Spike was about to sit next to her when an overweight man accidentally knocked him into his seat. "Open your bloody eyes, wanker!" Spike growled at the poor clueless man, who looked helplessly at the waving woman he was going to sit next to.

Spike scoffed and made himself comfortable in his chair. "Seriously. Driver’s license. Think about it."

She ignored him for the second time, staring silently out the bus window at the fleeting trees. She could tell that Spike was gawking at her by the burning sensation on her neck. Again, she was glad he kept quiet.

She frowned at her reflection in the window glass; her hair might not look like a nest, but it didn't look tidy, either. She searched in her pockets for a rubber band and found nothing but her cell phone. Then, she tried to comb her hair with her fingers until it looked slightly presentable.

"Think we're there," Spike muttered.

She glanced at the road sign that was almost hidden by the green leaves of a huge tree. "Yes, we are."

Their walk to the castle was quiet. She wondered if Spike had attempted to start conversation, because with all the issues that were running in circles inside her brain, she wasn't sure she’d hear him.

"You used to live here?" Spike gasped, looking up at the high fortress.

A bitter smile tugged at her lips. "Yeah." It had never crossed her mind that she would miss it so much. She pressed on the buzzer and waited for Sallie to open the gates, but there was no answer from the other side. She pressed with more strength and still there was no answer. She sighed, remembering her orders about extra training sessions for all Slayers on her last visit to the castle. She called Satsu on her cell and told her to send someone to open the gates, and a few minutes later another Slayer, Lina, helped them inside and into the main hall. After a timid wave, Lina hurried toward the stairs, probably not wanting to slip and talk to Spike.

"How did you afford this?" Spike asked breathlessly as his gaze traveled over the ancient walls.

Buffy pinched the bridge of her nose. "Friends with big pockets."

Spike looked at a very old mirror. No reflection, as expected. "What friends?"

"They're… sort of anonymous." She played with her collar, wishing Lina had stuck around so she could use her as a distraction.

Her response earned her a shocked look that was followed by a cool stare. "Oh. I get it."

She let go of her collar and folded her arms, letting out an irritated sigh. "Don't make a big deal out of this."

"I'm not. Said I get it, don’t I?" he retorted with aggravation. "Let's just find the obnoxious chit, shall we?" He started walking, but stopped after two determined steps, not knowing where to go, and turned to Buffy with a head nod to lead the way. She shook her head and walked past him to the stairs.

"So, you were never in Rome?" he asked in a matter-of-fact tone, already knowing the answer, but obviously wanting an explanation.

She looked at him with an amused smile. "I assume you heard that from Andrew." He nodded. "No offense, Spike, but only an idiot would actually believe a thing Andrew says. Especially someone who actually knew him." She knew she wasn't being fair to Andrew, but since she was still upset with him about the tape, the bet with Xander, and the fact that he'd known Spike was alive and never told her, she couldn't help resenting him a little.

"But you were there," Spike insisted. "I saw you. Dancing with the sodding Immortal."

"I don't even know who that guy is," she said, already putting clues together about why Andrew thought it was funny to have the Buffy-decoy dating the Immortal. "Besides, what kind of name is Immortal? Was that his birth name or something he started to call himself? Because either way it just smells of cheese."

Spike grinned. "Always thought so." Then he frowned. "So that wasn't you dancing with him?" She shook her head. "But… she had your scent."

Buffy's brows reached her hairline, impressed. "Giles definitely outdid himself."

Spike twisted his mouth and shrugged his shoulders. "Where is the old sod anyway?"

"Russia," she answered, surprised that Spike hadn't asked about the reason behind the Buffy doubles; nonetheless, it was a big relief. She hoped they would reach the Central Command before Spike asked any more questions.

"And Willow?" There was some resentment mingled with bitterness in his tone. She wondered what had Spike upset with Willow, unless he'd run into her in the last couple of years.

"Don't know," she answered, feeling the tingle of hope born inside at the thought of Spike running across Willow after she'd left them. "I haven't heard from her for more than a year now. All we know is that it has something to do with magic."

"Thought she was in a different dimension," Spike said.

She looked at him, interested. "Where did you hear that?"

"We needed her help a while back, were told she was in a different dimension." He scrunched his eyes shut and shook his head. "Or something else. I don't remember."

"Astral projection, that's what she told Giles. I'm not so sure it's true, though."

"He was telling the truth, then," Spike said, bringing her back from the bitter memory lane.

"Who?"

"Giles. We needed Willow's help; he wasn't giving it. Thought he was giving bullshit excuses just because we were working for Wolfram and Hart."

"Can you blame him?" Buffy quickened her pace, hoping to get to the Central Command sooner. "I still wonder what Angel was thinking."

Spike fell into silence just as her cell phone started to ring. Taking it out of her pocket, she saw Dawn's name on the screen. With a weary twist of her lips, she silenced it and returned it back to her pocket.

"Who's that?" Spike asked.

"Just Dawn."

"Why didn't you answer?"

"Does it look like a good time to have some pointless social chat?" she reasoned, and watched him shrug indifferently. If she was honest with herself, it hadn't been a good time to chat with Dawn for a while now. She wasn't in the mood for another scolding from her kid sister about how she had become distant from her family. She had Xander for that.

Everybody appeared busy at Central Command. Anna and Judy were concentrating on a glowing red ball between them. Satsu, Jinni, Ran and several others were busy on the computers. The screens showed pictures of rural roads and the inside of one of their helicopters. Other screens showed still pictures of their organization in Tuscany.

"Wow," Spike said in a tone that was a mixture of shock and sarcasm. "Like walking into the Enterprise."

Buffy gave him a look.

"There's more to me than soaps," Spike said defensively. When her look was accompanied with a raised eyebrow, he hung his head. "Fine. Xander had this Star Trek marathon when I was stuck in his basement of cat urine."

Buffy's amused chuckle was cut off by Jinni's exclaim, "Ma'am."

Upon hearing Jinni's greeting, all the others turned their attention to Buffy and Spike. Leah smiled from her position in the middle of the room, standing in the platform where she could command the others. Buffy fought the older memories when a certain one-eyed idiot used to occupy that position. "Yer here," Leah cheered. "As ye see, everything's under control."

"I hope so," Buffy said. "I have another crisis for you."


~*~*~*~


Buffy looked around her old bedroom, noticing no changes since she'd moved out. She hadn't taken all of her clothes and stuff with her to the apartment, so the bedroom still looked like it was used, if a person could ignore the dusty appearance of her yellow-orange curtains and bed sheets. Her weapons were still displayed on the wall next to her window. Some of her makeup was still on top of her dresser, and there were a few books in the drawer next to her bed.

"Interesting paintings," Spike commented, staring at the Little Nemo picture hung on her wall. The frames used to contain paintings of nature, all of which did not interest her. She was surprised to find the Little Nemo one in the basement. She'd traded Sallie a boring painting of a waterfall for the 'Mary, Queen of Scots.' She was hoping to trade an ugly oil painting for the Diana in Liz's room, but Liz wouldn't budge. She nearly had the same taste as Buffy.

"I like this one." Spike nodded at the weird smudgy painting that she was just thinking about.

"Really?" Buffy scrunched her nose at the rejected painting. "It's all blue. And more blue."

Spike stood right under the painting, all of a sudden appearing more like a professional art critic. "If you look beyond the surface, you can see a beautiful transparent world. Look at this area where the sea waves break. Has a turquoise see-through color. Looks natural…" He stopped when he noticed her amused look, finally caught up with the poetic burst that had taken over him. "Bloody hell," he muttered.

Buffy burst into laughter. "Oh, boy. What was that?"

Spike grumbled something she couldn’t hear and looked away.

"I never knew you liked art."

Spike shrugged, still not meeting her eyes. He looked pathetically adorable, and she was a little intrigued. She couldn't recall seeing this side of him, although he did use some flowery words when he'd tried to woo her in the past, especially before the soul.

Buffy grabbed him by the arm and pulled him toward the painting. "C'mon, talk more about this see-through reality." Doubtful, he raised an eyebrow, and she forced her features to appear serious. "Really. I'd love to hear more."

Spike pursed his lips in show of reluctance before he pointed at the painting. "See that light brown color over there?" She nodded. "Abandoned seashore. No traces of human feet and no scattered rubbish. Pure. Beautiful. Lacks people's mark and effect. Just nature flowing." He cast her a meaningful look. "Nice place to live in. No responsibilities, no fateful mistakes, no guilt."

Her heartbeat sped up as she stared at him, astonished. She closed her parted lips, feeling fragile and naked under his piercing gaze.

Someone cleared her throat by the door. "Ma'am, may I speak with you?" Satsu asked politely.

Buffy nodded, throwing a fleeting glance at Spike, who shrugged before walking to the window. Buffy followed Satsu out to the hall. "What is it?" she asked.

"The group we sent to check on the Tuscany organization…"

"Did you find something?" Buffy interrupted.

"We lost contact with the group," Satsu said solemnly.

"What?" Buffy gasped. "What is it? Did they detect something at Central Command?"

"Leah thinks that the whole organization disappeared."

"You mean there's something in Tuscany?"

"I'm not sure. We lost contact with the group we sent before they reached the organization. So whatever it is, it's not only in Tuscany."

A bead of sweat gathered its weight and rolled down Buffy's temple, like the hall was in a sudden hellfire. The situation at hand was far more overwhelming than she’d thought.

"Rowena was with them, ma'am," Satsu tried to sound natural, but the thought of one of her best friends disappearing was too much for her to keep her usual cool.

Buffy touched Satsu's arm with affection. "Don't worry. We'll find her."

Satsu gently pushed Buffy's hand away from her arm and looked straight into Buffy's shocked eyes, regaining her calmness. "Any orders, ma'am?"

Satsu's formal behavior had Buffy taken aback for a second before she hardened her face and straightened her back. "You and I will be heading there. Pick the best Slayers and we'll go tomorrow morning. Leah will still be in charge here."

Satsu nodded and marched away, like a soldier who’d just received an order from a general. For a minute there, it seemed like Buffy was connecting with Satsu, but in the end, she was nothing but her superior. These girls didn't want a friend; they wanted a leader, someone competent enough to teach and direct them to victory. Xander had once said that it was hard for him to connect with the girls because they looked up to him, but once he'd retired it had gotten easier to be friends with them. Although, if retiring was the only way to feel the connection, Buffy would do without. She couldn't retire and leave this whole mess for someone less experienced to run; she wouldn’t be able to live with that guilt.

Turning back to her bedroom, she stopped short at the weird, nearly satisfied smirk on Spike's face. He looked like he'd just discovered he was part of her favorite sexual fantasy where she got to play nurse. His stare made her take a couple of steps back as she felt a rush of intense heat all over her body.

"What a load of cobblers," he said, chuckling slightly. "Anonymous friends, you say?"

Her heart dropped. "What?"

He leaned to the side so his shoulder was resting against the door frame and crossed his arms over his chest, his smirk growing. "So, now you're nickin' diamonds?"


~*~*~*~