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Destroying Entropy – Chapter 11
Xander’s admission of guilt brought out different reactions in all of them. Buffy had once again turned away from the others, wrapping her arms around herself and trying to focus on her breathing. Spike ignored the others to come over and wrap an arm around her, causing her to lean into his shoulder and wrap one of her arms around his waist to steady herself. Dawn looked like she was going to throw up, with her hand over her mouth. Tara moved over to comfort the teenager, rubbing her back and looking anxiously at the others in turn.
But Willow just stood as if turned to stone, staring at Xander as he wept. How did this happen, Xander? How could you have gone so far off? Why didn’t I see this coming? What are we going to do? Willow glanced at Buffy, who was wrapped in Spike’s protective embrace while she collected herself. Willow realized that Buffy was right. If Willow had come upon Spike and Xander fighting, she would have defended Xander without question, even if it had meant dusting Spike. And she would have been completely and utterly wrong, just as she had been when she had dragged Buffy back from the dead, convinced her friend was suffering in hell. Only if Spike had died, there would be no one to help Buffy pick up the pieces this time. Willow shivered a bit with guilt and sadness. “Xander, why?” she found herself saying. “Why?”
Everyone looked from Willow to Xander. “I don’t know,” he moaned. His voice was muffled as he kept his hands over his face, unable to meet their eyes. “It’s all just so fucked up. I fucked up my wedding, and my relationship with Anya, and I…” Even now he found he couldn’t say the words aloud.
“I want you out of my sight, Xander,” said Buffy coldly as she turned to him. “I never want to see you or hear your voice again. I am done. You are not welcome in my house, and you had damn well better stay away from my sister and my vampire.”
Spike looked at her with wonder. Her vampire? “You mean that, pet?” he asked, hardly daring to hope.
Buffy turned to face him. “Spike, I know we’ve got a mixed history. I’ve got some things I’m ashamed of, and we’re probably going to have to have a few long talks. But I need you in my life.” She reached up and kissed his surprised lips, showing the Scoobies once and for all where Spike stood.
“Buffy,” said Xander. “You can’t… you’re throwing me out of your life? For him?”
“No. Not for him,” she said, stroking Spike’s cheek before turning to face Xander again. “I’m throwing you out of my life because you raped me, Xander. You raped me, and it nearly destroyed me. And I just can’t overlook it this time.”
Xander struggled to sit up further. “Buffy, I’m sorry. Please, I’ll do anything I can to make it right. Just tell me how to fix this,” he begged.
“There’s no way to fix this Xander. No way to make this right. You need to leave.” She turned to the others. “This is twice now Spike pulled me back from the edge. I think it’s time we all stop treating him like shit. He’s going to be a part of my life, if he wants to be. Tara and Willow, you can put up and shut up, or get the hell out. You want to stay in my house, you’re going to have to start paying rent. You want to stay in my life, you’re going to have to treat my man with respect.”
Dawn broke away from Tara and hugged Buffy and Spike in turn. “You guys need each other. I always thought so,” she said happily.
Tears were threatening in Willow’s eyes. “Buffy, I… I can’t just pretend Xander doesn’t exist!”
“You do what you need to, Willow,” Buffy said firmly. “Unlike you, I’m not going to tell someone else who they can and can’t associate with.” Willow winced at the verbal dig. “But if he comes near me again, he’ll think that Spike was gentle with him.” Xander paled further when he heard that.
“But he needs help, Buffy!” Willow cried.
“Then you help him,” said Buffy. “Start right now. Get him out of my sight.”
Willow bit her lip, but could think of nothing to say that would improve the situation. She went over to Xander and helped him to his feet. Tara watched Willow struggling to support Xander, but made no move to help as Willow helped him hobble out toward the car. They paused when they came abreast of Buffy and Spike. Xander searched Buffy’s eyes for any sign of mercy or emotion, but all he found was anger and hurt. With one last whispered, “Forgive me”, he allowed Willow to escort him out of the Slayer’s sight.
Spike and Buffy walked Tara and Dawn home, saying little. Buffy walked with one arm around Dawn’s shoulders, while her other arm held hands with Spike, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Spike still had an aching head, and he was going to have to find a tailor to patch his duster, but he was in heaven. She called me her vampire. She wants me in her life. His brain couldn’t quite compute how this could be so, but he told his brain to sod off and just reveled in it. Her hand, soft and small and warm, fit in his as if they were two halves of a whole, and it was nothing short of a miracle in his eyes.
They reached the house to find it silent, the car still gone. It’s going to take a while to get Xander patched up, Buffy thought. Maybe it will give him some new perspective. Maybe. Buffy wondered what the future would hold. She doubted Willow would let this stand. Buffy could hear Willow pleading, begging for understanding on Xander’s behalf. Don’t care. If she starts pulling that emotional blackmail crap she can find a new place to stay. Not going back to that. Spike held the door for the girls as they filed in and made their way to the kitchen.
Dawn turned to Spike. “I’m sorry I doubted you, Spike. I just… I didn’t want to believe it.”
“’S okay, Nibblet,” said Spike. “You did what you felt was right, and that’s what you should do. But I never will lie to you, remember that.”
“I will,” Dawn promised. She yawned then. “I think I’m going to go upstairs. It’s been a long couple of days, and I’m beat.”
“Plus, it’s a school night,” Buffy added. She stroked Dawn’s hair and gave her a kiss on the forehead. “Good night, Dawnie. Thanks for being there for me.”
“Any time,” Dawn replied, and she made her way up to her room.
Tara looked at Buffy and Spike. “I w… want to apologize,” she said, her stutter returning in her shame and nervousness. “I f..feel like I should have p..put my foot down with W…Willow sooner. If we stay, I swear to you we’ll help out with the bills.”
Buffy came forward and hugged Tara. “I know this is hard for you. But I know you were trying to rein them in as best you could, and I appreciate that.”
Tara hugged her back then stood up. “I’m heading to bed too. Goodnight, Buffy. Goodnight, Spike.” The blond couple echoed her good night and watched her retreat up the stairs.
Spike moved to sit down on one of the stools, but Buffy stopped him. “Come upstairs. Let me help you get cleaned up.” She took his arm and led him up to her bedroom. “Wait here,” she said, as she disappeared into the bathroom.
Spike took off his duster, wincing where the lining pulled out of his wound. Harris had driven the stake in a good inch and a half, and blood had coated half his arm. As he was twisting to try to see it, Buffy returned. “Ouch. That looks terrible,” she commented.
“Could have done without that, truthfully,” he admitted. He sat down on the bed and let Buffy clean the wound with a washcloth and a small basin of water. She bandaged it up and rinsed out the cloth, passing it to him to clean the blood off his face. “Thanks, love,” he said when he finished. Buffy smiled and went to put the supplies away. Spike took off his boots and leaned back against the headboard, closing his eyes and waiting for the last of his headache to go away.
Buffy came back and sat next to him on the bed. “How are you feeling?” she asked.
“Head still feels like Manchester United used it for a substitute ball, but I’ll survive.”
“What happened back there?”
Spike opened his eyes and sat up gently, so as not to jar his aching cranium any further. “I came to talk to you, but Dawn said you were holed up in your room. I decided that Harris needed to be taught a lesson. I tried the Magic Box, but all I found was Anya in tears. Followed that wanker’s scent to my place and we had a bit of a discussion, shall we say.”
“But what happened to the chip?” Buffy was confused about that part of the evening.
“First of all, I want you to know that I didn’t wish the chip out. And I’m not going to go on an all night feeding frenzy either. You’ve got my word on that.”
“I know,” Buffy said, laying her hand on his chest. “I trust you. I just want to hear what went on.”
Spike covered her hand with his and continued, “Had to fight him with the chip like usual at first. Hence the lingering migraine. But at one point I said something about wishing I could thrash him like he richly deserved, and Halfrek showed up. Flash of light, chip was on the floor. Then the thrashing could begin in earnest.”
“And you said Halfrek knew you?”
Spike ran his hand through his hair and said ruefully, “Yeah, well. I sort of had a thing for her when I was human. Thought she was human too at the time.”
Buffy’s mouth dropped open in astonishment. “She knew you when you were alive?” I guess those vengeance demons do get around.
“Yeah. She was masquerading as this society bitch named Cicely. I used to write completely awful poetry in her honor. She shut me down, rather rudely I might add. Got so broken up about it that I went storming off into an alley to sulk. Ran into a certain insane young woman there, and the rest was history, as they say.” Spike shook his head at the memory.
“She drove you to Drusilla? I should say she owed you a favor!” Buffy said indignantly.
“Hey, becoming a vampire was the best thing that ever happened to me. Saved me from being the most pathetic, worthless git on the planet. Can’t say I hold it against her. Won’t refuse the chip removal services either.” Spike looked at Buffy, whose hand was still resting on his chest, but who had fallen into deep thought. “Buffy? You still with me?”
“I could have lost you,” she said quietly, focusing her eyes on his. “As I was running to your crypt I was praying that I would be there in time. I don’t think I could have gone on without you.”
“Shhh, pet, don’t talk like that,” he said as he stroked her hair.
“It’s true though. You gave me what I needed to get through this. You always manage to give me what I need.” She looked at him, searching his blue eyes and tracing his face with her hand. A thought had been growing in her mind, and she made her decision. As Spike looked on in confusion she got up, climbed onto the bed, and straddled him, running her hands through his hair.
“Buffy?” he asked softly. “What…?”
She pulled her hair back from her neck and kissed him. “I know you’re hungry, and you’re hurt. Drink. Let me give you something of me. You’ve given me so much. Let me do this for you.” She gently pulled his lips to her neck, twining her fingers in the curls at the back of his head.
Spike hesitated, inhaling her scent and ghosting his lips down the outline of the veins that pumped below her smooth skin. “Don’t have to do this, love. I’ll heal just fine without it. You don’t owe me anything.”
“Please, Spike,” she said as she shuddered from the sensation. “Please let me say I’m sorry for all the things I did. Please.”
“Alright love,” he said tenderly. He continued his attentions to her neck as his game face slowly came to the fore. He palmed the back of her head to steady her and gently sank his teeth into her neck. After the initial pinch, Buffy felt slow, consuming warmth spread from her neck to the rest of her body, and she sighed and leaned into him. Spike moaned softly at the rich, spicy taste of her. He drank slowly, savoring every drop. Ambrosia. After a few long pulls, he gently sealed the wounds with his tongue and let his human face return. He opened his eyes and fixed them on Buffy. They rested their foreheads together, both panting with emotion.
“Spike, that was…”
“Yeah,” he agreed. He pulled her into a kiss, parting her lips gently with his searching tongue. Buffy closed her eyes and drank in the familiar taste and feel of him. Can’t believe I gave this up. Spike’s hands moved from her hair down to her shoulders, squeezing them to pull her even closer. Suddenly the memory of Xander grabbing her shoulders and yanking her into that bruising kiss flashed into her mind and she abruptly pulled back. Startled, Spike opened his eyes and looked at her. He took in the wide, embarrassed eyes and the shuddering breath and said, “Flashback?”
Buffy nodded, fighting the urge to cry again. “I’m so afraid, Spike,” she whispered in a shaky voice.
Spike cocked his head. “Afraid?”
She stared at his chest, stroking it softly. “Every time I kiss you it’s so… perfect. But that night just keeps coming back and I’m afraid that I’m never going to be free of it. I’m afraid that I’ll never be able to enjoy… this.” She rested both hands on his chest, then drew her eyes slowly up to meet his, willing him to understand.
Spike ran his hands through her hair. “I’ll never push you love. Never do anything you don’t want. But this is a demon you’ve got to face just like all the other demons you face every day. And I know you’ll defeat it, just like you defeat the rest of the demons. Just gotta get past it, pet.”
Buffy heard the truth in his words. Gotta work through it. Taking a deep breath, she put her hands on his shoulders and leaned down, kissing him slowly at first, then with increasing heat as she moved her hands down his arms and over his chest. He rested his hands lightly on her hips, letting her have complete control. Her hands found the bottom of his t-shirt and ran lightly under it, exploring his skin as if for the first time. He groaned softly at her touch, but kept his hands still with an effort. She felt his muscles move and twitch, and she knew the effect she was having on him. “Spike,” she whispered into his neck. “I need you. I don’t know if it’s too soon but…”
“Not too soon, love,” he whispered back. He nibbled on her ear, running his tongue along her piercings until she shuddered with anticipation. “Take your time. I’m yours, Buffy. Yours.” He found her mouth again, tasting and tasting it, as if she was the last spring in a desert.
Buffy slowly worked his shirt over his head, carefully avoiding the bandage on his arm. She slid down his chest, sucking and nibbling as he went, and he threw his head back, reveling in the feeling of her warm flesh on his. God I missed this, he thought as he closed his eyes. Buffy continued her downward path, pausing to work at his belt and his zipper. She eased his jeans down his slim white hips and slid off him long enough to pull them off. Her brain flashed, and she remembered feeling cold, thinking it was Spike, hearing Xander’s snarled response. She winced, closed her eyes, and willed herself to return to the present. Shaking her head she opened her eyes and beheld Spike, naked and staring at her with half lidded eyes full of desire. The flashback departed and she stood up. Slowly she removed her clothes, dropping articles one by one to the floor. Spike’s eyes widened. He took himself in hand, lightly stroking his lengthening cock as he watched, entranced.
Buffy found herself melting with need as she climbed back up on the bed. She straddled him, kissing him again and then slowly lowering herself down onto his waiting cock. Again the memory of Xander’s intrusion flitted into her mind, but as Spike’s cool length filled her the memory disappeared as quickly as it had come. “Needed this,” she sighed. “Dear God, Spike you feel so good.”
“Yes,” he purred. “Yes, my slayer. My perfect, beautiful girl.” He gasped as her inner muscles squeezed his length and she began to ride him, slowly at first, but with rapidly gathering speed.
“Touch me Spike, please, oh God,” she moaned, struggling to keep her voice down so as not to wake Dawn and Tara.
Spike circled her clit expertly with one thumb while the other hand reached up to tease her nipples one after the other. They knew each other’s bodies well, but this time it was tempered with a sweetness that had never been there before. They had been wild, and passionate, but rarely tender, and Spike found that this encounter surpassed his deepest wishes. To be in her bed, with her wanting him, pleasuring him, needing him – this was heaven.
They moved faster together, panting and gasping until with a startling suddenness Buffy found herself over the edge and flying. “Spike,” she cried, bending down to capture his mouth. She cried out again, biting his shoulder to stifle the sound, and that was enough to send him spiraling into his own orgasm. “Buffy, oh Christ…” Coherent words failed him as he thrust into her one more time and spilled himself, vibrating beneath her.
Buffy collapsed onto him, burying her face in his neck.This is where I want to be, she thought. This man. My refuge. My vampire. As she held him through the aftershocks, she knew finally, with absolute clarity what she felt. “Spike,” she whispered. “I love you.”
“Buffy?” Spike said, hardly believing his ears. “Did you… what did…?”
She picked her head up, looking deep into his eyes. “I love you, Spike. I don’t know if it’s the right thing, or the good thing, but I love you.”
“You know I love you, Buffy,” he said, kissing her gently. “I’ll always love you.” His unbeating heart soared as she settled back down into his arms, and they slowly drifted off to sleep.
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