Buffy felt completely out of sorts.  It was like she’d entered into some sort of alternative reality, and now everything was just plain wrong.
 
This weird trip to the flip side all started with Spike.  How did him getting blasted and playing dead, well—more dead, suddenly become the Scooby’s or more specifically, her problem?
 
Even though she’d never actually read the Slayer’s handbook, she knew there wasn’t anything in there saying saving vamps, especially annoying bleached ones, was part of her sacred duty.  Yet, tonight she was out voted to do just that.
 
What bugged her even more was when did eyeing Spike with anything besides absolute disgust and loathing become an option?  True, without the distraction of his mouth flapping a mile a minute, she was able to really get a good look at him, but why did that mean her thoughts had to go there?
 
Then there was Riley.  While heading back to the dorms, she started feeling like everything was returning to normal.  Well, as normal as Sunnydale could be.  They were talking, and she was hoping for some “alone time” with him, of which there hadn’t been a lot between Dracula’s thrall and Dawn’s kidnapping.
 
Then again, she should’ve known normal wasn’t in the cards.  It was Tuesday after all.
 
The very minute they walked though the door her plans of mass seduction were squelched.  It all started with the phone ringing and a frantic Willow on the other end saying Spike had passed out, and they couldn’t wake him.
 
Next, a discussion that soon turned into a heated argument with Riley, regarding how he felt she hadn’t made enough time for him lately.  This was followed by her adamant denial.  Then the whole mess ended with them parting ways, with her heading over to Giles’ and Riley back to his apartment.
 
This brought her to the here and now, with a stress-filled Buffy stomping down the darkened streets of Sunnydale, wishing for a vamp with delusions of grandeur to happen by.  Since she couldn’t relieve her tension the fun way, a little slayage would suffice.
 
When she arrived at Giles’, still wound tighter than a snare drum after a fight-less walk, she stormed in without knocking.  Her voice matching her brash entrance.
 
“Okay, this better be good!  I’m really not so happy about missing alone time with Riley—for him!”
 
Within three strides Buffy hovered over Spike’s prone, unconscious form, eyeing him with clear disdain.
 
Giles looked up from his book and studied his Slayer following her whirlwind arrival.
 
“Ah, Buffy.  Welcome back.  I assure you, I told Willow to leave William.  With all that transpired tonight, he must’ve been quite overwhelmed.  So much so, William um…reacted.”
 
“Reacted?” Buffy features scrunched with slight confusion.
 
“He got all swooney and passed out, the big girl!” Xander snickered before returning to pilfering Giles’ cabinets for a late night snack.
 
“So let me get this straight.  You interrupted what little time I have alone with my boyfriend ‘cause Spike fainted?” Buffy’s gaze shifted and zeroed in on Willow, who sat in a chair positioned close to Spike.
 
“Buffy, I tried everything!  I even heated up some blood Giles had left over in the freezer and nothing!” Willow’s pleading expression soon affected Buffy.
 
It was way beyond her why they wouldn’t want the bleached pest quiet and out of the way.  However, despite the irritation boiling up inside, like the good little Slayer she was, she relented, but not before heaving a weary sigh.
 
“Well, since my night is totally shot, I’ll help with research.  The sooner we find out what Mister Badly-in-need-of-heavy-moisturizing did to Spike. The sooner we can undo it, the better.”
 
 

 
Buffy awoke gradually.  Her gaze hazily focused on dozens of tiny smudges lying just beyond the tip of her nose.  Feeling slightly disjointed, she blinked to clear her vision.  Before long she realized she was up close and personal with one of Giles’ old books.
 
Lifting her face from the worn page, she sat up slowly and stretched.  She savored the popping of slightly stiffened joints and the gentle pulling of her once idle muscles.  Buffy eyed the book with distaste as she rubbed her cheek.
 
Great! With my luck I probably have nasty, old ink all over my face.
 
Buffy looked around Giles’ apartment and soon realized she was alone.  Her study buddies were nowhere in sight.  Even Giles had pulled a David Copperfield.  Grumbling, she stood to make her way to the bathroom to freshen up.  Sliding out from behind the desk, she spied a note lying above her makeshift pillow.
 
 
Buffy,
 
I had class this morning and Xander had to finish a job at the construction site.  Giles will be back after checking out some books about Toth he has at the Magic Box.  Please take care of Spike William until he gets back.  Oh, and we really need to talk, Missy!
 
Willow
 
 
“Hey! The only way ‘Not It’ works is if everyone is awake when it’s done! What, they think I have nothing better to do than babysit Mister Amnesia all day?”
 
Buffy mumbled while crumbling the note into a small ball before shooting it in a nearby waste paper basket.  When the shot went wide, Buffy continued grumbling as she picked it up.  While leaning over to grab the offending paper off the floor, she noticed Spike still sleeping on the couch.
 
He looked so peaceful with a tartan blanket tucked around him and gathered up under his chin.  His hair was a riot of unruly curls.  Buffy suddenly felt the strange urge to rake her fingers through them to see if they were as soft as they looked.
 
Lost in her stare-fest, Buffy startled when he drowsily shifted into a sitting position and raised his arms over his head.  While he stretched he let out a lengthy, deep sound resembling a growl.
 
Only moments earlier, he looked so harmless and docile.  Almost human.  Then when he moved, the blanket lowered and her thoughts instantly changed.  With the blackness of his tee contrasting against pale skin and the distinctive growl, he now appeared to be the epitome of what he truly was—a lithe and deadly predator.
 
Although Buffy never admitted this before: in his dangerousness lay exquisite beauty.  A beauty even a Slayer could not ignore and was strangely, faintly drawn to.
 
Still admiring him, Buffy was caught unaware when she was met with a pair of perceptive blue eyes.  Even before she and Spike became locked in this bizarre truce, Buffy felt he always knew what she was thinking or feeling without a single word.
 
She broke from her thoughts when she heard a familiar, yet unfamiliar voice coming from Spike—William’s. 
 
“Please, pardon me.  I must’ve fallen asleep.  I had such a peculiar dream.  I dreamt I wasn’t myself and wore the strangest clothing and…” William looked down at his chest and gasped.
 
“Oh, dear…it wasn’t a nightmare!   I…I…”
 
Buffy watched William’s eyes losing focus.  She stepped forward to try to calm him down so he didn’t faint…again.
 
“Hey, breathe…breathe. That’s right—in and out…in and out.  Keep doing that while I go and get a paper bag so you don’t go all black-outy again.”
 
She rushed into the kitchen and started rummaging through Giles’ cabinets in search of a paper bag.  After the fourth cabinet she stopped, realizing the absurdity of it all.
 
Hello, slayer 101!  Vampires don’t breathe!  That's why they don’t faint!
 
Despite knowing this, Buffy felt the need to do something since she could still hear him breathing heavily.
 
Water!  In the movies water solves everything!  From someone delivering a baby, to calming upset people, they all go with water!
 
Buffy quickly filled a tumbler and rounded the dividing wall heading over to the couch.  As she handed him the glass, thankfully he appeared to have calmed down some.  She was so glad she wouldn’t have to explain to Giles why Spike was still passed out when he came back.
 
He nodded his thanks and with a slightly shaky hand, brought the glass to his lips.  After several small sips, he took a deep, settling breath before looking up at her.
 
“Thank you, Miss Buffy.”
 
Buffy sat on the chair near the couch.  She didn’t speak until he appeared for the most part relaxed.
 
“So what got you all stiff-legged goat?”
 
“I beg your pardon?”
 
“I once watched this show on The Discovery Channel or maybe it was Animal Planet. Well, whichever station it was, there were these goats that when they got all scared they fainted.  It was pretty funny seeing these things running around one minute, and the next they looked like they were playing freeze-tag!”
 
When Buffy finished her explanation and after a few giggles, she looked over to him, and he appeared even more confused.
 
After her random ranting, Buffy had nothing else to say.  It was weird; she never had a hard time thinking of things to say to Spike before.  She always had a threat or insult at the ready.  Yet, seeing him so unnerved, she didn’t feel right poking fun.
 
Huh? When did making fun of Spike ever become a thing not to do?  Maybe when he’s not Spike, but William.  I guess this adds another reason to the ever-growing list of confusing things when dealing with…whoever he is.
 
Buffy’s eyes darted around the room looking for something to talk about to fill the awkward silence between them.  She noticed his borrowed pair of glasses on the coffee table. Without a word, she handed them to him.  With a soft “Thank you, Miss Buffy,” he slid them on and his gaze returned to hers.
 
Before things could get even more awkward, Buffy stood and headed over to the desk. Trying to keep busy, she started turning the pages of her temporary pillow-book.  Even though she’d been over it, what felt like a dozen times, she needed something to focus on besides the memory-deficient blond.
 
After reading a passage for the fourth time about Lethe’s Bramble and magically induced amnesia, Buffy welcomed William’s interruption.
 
“Pardon me, Miss Buffy?”
 
Looking up from the tiny print, she saw a still visibly uncomfortable William.
 
“Yeah?”
 
“Yes, might I inquire when will Mister Giles be returning?”
 
“I don’t know.  He’s checking out a mountain of moldy books at the Magic Box.  Your guess is as good as mine.”
 
“Do you believe Mister Giles would be offended if I utilized the services of his valet without permission?”
 
“His valet?  He doesn’t have anyone parking the Giles-mobile.  Plus, why do you need his car?”
 
“Car?  I am not familiar with that terminology referring to a valet’s duties.  I merely needed his valet’s services to tend to a more um, private matter.”
 
Buffy studied William.  She noticed the puzzled look on his face now mirrored how she felt.  Since she was alone in taking care of Mister Bourne Identity, Buffy knew she had to figure out what was wrong.  Closing the book, she headed over to the couch.
 
“Well, it’s just you and me, William.  Despite how I so don’t want to know what this ‘private matter’ is, I have to ask what’s the what before Giles comes back and chews me out for being a bad vamp sitter.”
 
Buffy watched William furrow his brow giving him an almost Bert uni-brow look.  Before she could ask, “What?” he took the lead.
 
“Miss Buffy, please pardon my words, as they may be misconstrued as disrespectful.  However, I am regretfully unable to decipher yours and their meanings, and that in turn makes it difficult to respond.”
 
“Huh?  Oh, sorry.  I forgot you understand only Watcher-talk.  Well, okay, I can do this.  I’m the Slayer, and I have a Watcher, so…”
 
Buffy started pacing and softly talking to herself while trying to figure out a way to explain.  Stopping abruptly, she felt William watching her.  Without him saying a word, she could tell she was further confusing him.  She wouldn’t be surprised if he bypassed confusion and decided to crown her Miss Crazy-Girl USA.
 
“Well, since we’re lost in translation here, let’s KISS.” When William’s eyes widened, Buffy tried to explain quickly, “Ya know, Keep It Simple Stupid.  Oh wait!  I’m not saying you’re stupid, or I’m stupid.  It’s only…never mind.  Okay, let’s try this again.  Here’s the deal.  Let’s just talk.  No more big Watcher-words on your part and no more pop-culture references on mine.  Deal?”
 
“Deal, Miss Buffy.”
 
“Okay, in five words or less, tell me what you need.”
 
Buffy watched William becoming instantly flustered.  He started shifting uncomfortably as his prominent Adam’s apple bobbed hard with each swallow, and his skin took on a faint pinkish hue.  Was he blushing.
 
“I have need of a privy, please.”
 
“Huh? You what the what?”
 
“The privy.”
 
“Yeah, I heard you the first time.  I’m just not too fluent with Briticisms.  Oh, I know!  Describe what a privy is, and I’ll try to figure it out.  Ya know like charades.  Well, charades with words.  So I guess it’s not really charades, but you know what I mean.”
 
“I am afraid for the most part, I do not.  However, it is of the utmost importance we understand one another, so I will attempt to explain.”
 
Buffy waited for William to begin.  She watched him start and stop several times, yet he still hadn’t spoken.  His features and demeanor displayed how difficult for whatever reason, this was for him.
 
It was strange.  Not too long ago, Buffy would’ve reveled in Spike’s discomfort and silence.  Yet, with him looking so William-ish: with the glasses, curly hair, and rigid body language, he tugged at her heartstrings, and she actually felt sorta bad he was having such a hard time.
 
“Look, I get you’re being all Mister Respectful, and that’s really cool and far better than your usual death threats and sexual innuendos, but if I’m going to understand, you just need to spit it out.”
 
“Spit…it…out?”
 
“Yeah, explain and I’ll go from there, okay?”
 
William took a deep breath and closed his eyes tightly when he finally spoke, his voice a mere whisper. 
“I need to urinate.”
 
“Now, that wasn’t too hard, now wa…what?  Wait, did you just say you have to go to the bathroom?”
 
His eyes opened slowly.  Buffy believed in addition to major embarrassment, there was a hint of relief settling in those blues.
 
“If the bathroom is a place where one needs to visit to relieve oneself then yes.”
 
“Huh.  I don’t know why you have to go in there. It’s not like you really need to you know, go.  You know what?  I so don’t need to know why.  Just go ahead, you know where it is.”
 
With a slight nod, William slid the blanket off his lap and stood.  Buffy watched as he rounded the couch and started walking.
 
She noticed instantly his usually swagger was gone, replaced by a reserved, almost timid pace.  While lost in thought, Buffy almost missed William heading toward and now opening Giles’ front door.
 
He’s heading outside, into direct sunlight. With no blanket!  
 
Without a second thought, Buffy rushed to the slightly ajar door and slammed it closed.
 
“Where are you going?  Geez, you would’ve thought self-preservation trumped memory loss!”
 
With her palms remaining firmly pressed against the wood, Buffy tried catching her breath.  While doing so she struggled to convince herself she was panting from rushing and definitely not from the scare he just gave her.  Once she got her breathing under control, she looked over to William.
 
If she didn’t know better, he looked scared.  Even though that emotion didn’t seem at home on Spike’s face, it didn’t matter.  She finally accepted the truth.  He really wasn’t Spike, but William.
 
“Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.  It’s, well, you can’t go outside.  You’re a…forget it…that’s not important right now.  Let’s leave it at you can’t go outside during the day.”
 
“I understand.  Even though this is all terribly confusing, I trust you have my best interest at heart, Miss Buffy.  If I may be so bold.  Be as it may that I am unable to venture outside, my immediate and pressing issue still remains.”
 
“What…oh, that.  I don’t even know why you were going outside anyway.  The bathroom is down the hall.”
 
“Mister Giles’ privy is not located at the furthest end of his garden, but in his home?  Well, that is quite interesting.”
 
“Yeah, so, um let me show you where…”
 
Not finishing her sentence, Buffy turned and started walking down the hallway with William dutifully following.  When they reached the bathroom, Buffy pushed opened the door, stepped inside, and flicked on the light.
 
That’s when things went from weird to totally bizarre.  One minute she’s standing there.  The next she was being pulled out of the room and tackled to the ground with William sprawled out on top of her.
 
Despite her face being pressed into the floor, Buffy’s aggravated tone was loud and unmistakable.
 
“What the hell are you doing!”
 
William quickly lifted up, and off of her, stood then extended his hand to help her up.
 
Buffy ignored his hand and stood on her own, brushing away nonexistent dirt from her clothes.  Before she could further give him a tongue lashing for becoming a human, well a demon, blanket, William spoke.  His tone was uncharacteristically strong and assured.  
 
“Miss Buffy, I truly regret my rash behavior.  However, I feared the bright light was an explosion of some kind.  At that very moment I experienced an overwhelming sense of duty to keep you safe, despite my very own well-being and proper etiquette.  I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies.”
 
Buffy was taken aback by his words.  True, she hated when the men in her life treated her with kid gloves.  Yet, somehow this was different.  This was done more to be chivalrous and protective.  Totally not in a I-know-what’s-best-for-you-cause-I’m-the-man kind of way, she’d experienced in the past.  
 
Above all this, what really tamed her inner shrew was the concerned and apologetic expression conveyed through his heart-felt expression.  She recalled him giving her this same look when they bickered over their exes during their brief magically induced engagement.  It was this look that instantly deflated any anger surging inside her then as well as now.
 
“Oh, well, thanks.  No worries.  That wasn’t an explosion though.  I only turned on the lights.”
 
She stepped inside the bathroom and gestured to the brass sconces mounted on either side of the mirror.  William hesitantly entered the room, remaining close to the doorway, and slowly took in his surroundings.
 
“Miss Buffy, this is utterly wondrous!”
 
He studied the lights from a distance with the look of total amazement.  He held the same look as a child on Christmas morning.
 
Becoming bolder, William cautiously reached for the light switch.  With a nod of ‘go ahead’ from Buffy, he flicked it off.  They were only in the dark momentarily before he turned it back on.
 
On and off, on and off, William continued until Buffy was getting a slight headache from the simulated strobe lights.  When the light came on for what she felt like the twentieth time, Buffy gently placed her hand over his.
 
“All right, enough Saturday Night Fever for one bathroom trip.  I’m going to step out so you can um, do your business.”
 
Buffy turned to leave but stopped when hearing William’s bashful voice.
 
“Um, Miss Buffy, where do I…”
 
“You don’t know where you…?”  With a resigned shake of his head, Buffy sighed softly and walked over to the toilet.
 
“Okay, you do your business, well, in there and then you flush.”
 
To demonstrate, she pushed down the lever.  William leaned forward, his eyes widening from the swooshing sound and the water swirling in the bowl.  Once again, the look of amazement returned and brightened his face.
 
“Absolutely brilliant!” William reached for the handle, but Buffy stopped him by blocking the lever with her hand.
 
“Yeah, unlike the lights you can’t keep flushing.  The porcelain gods will be none to happy if you do, and you’ll end up flooding the place.  Just wait till after you…you know.”
 
Not staying for the “show,” Buffy turned and left the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.  She made her way to the couch and plopped down on the cushions feeling absolutely exhausted.
 
If trying to explain something as simple as a trip to the bathroom was this complicated, how will explaining he’s actually a Master vampire and it’s the year 2000, go?
 
Yeah, that’s all Giles.  I had to deal with potty training a vamp.  He can handle the self-rediscovery stuff.
 
Lost in her thoughts, Buffy didn’t realize William was standing there until she heard him speak.
 
“Um, Miss Buffy, has Mister Giles returned?”
 
Buffy felt her nerves slightly grating with this question.  She didn’t mean to become irritated, but hearing this question again reminded her of the times when you’re on a car trip from hell and there’s always that one person constantly asking, “Are we there yet?”
 
She took a deep, steady breath and looked up at him.  In contrast to the bleached hair and Spike’s typical attire, William’s presence clearly radiated a shy, timid man who was completely out of his element.
 
“What’s wrong, William?”
 
“Um, I rather feel the nature of this subject is one that ought not be discussed with a lady.”  
 
“Well, Giles never left an ETA.  So this leaves you with three choices: wait for him to come back, figure it out yourself, or ask me.  You choose.”
 
Buffy could tell William was struggling with his decision.  While waiting, she noticed him shifting and pressing his thighs together.  So even though he was clearly embarrassed, what his mind believed that his body had to do ultimately made the decision for him.
 
“Yes, well, before I explain my predicament, please understand my words are not intended to sully your virtuous nature or sensibilities.”
 
“Yup, got it.  You’re not trying to be all pervy.  Go ahead, say it.”
 
“It seems I am having a difficulty releasing my trousers.  In addition to the peculiar and constricting manner of the fabric, there is an unfamiliar mechanism binding them together.”
 
While William talked his head remained bowed in apparent shyness.  Buffy struggled to hear him.
 
Did he just say what I think he said?
 
In spite of her mind buzzing with dozens of questions, all she could manage was, “Huh?”
 
“Please, pardon my crudeness, but it would be more effective if I show you.”  Without further warning, William pulled aside the denim flap covering his zipper.
 
“See here.  Now, I believe this metal rivet is a button.  I am quite familiar with them and their workings.  However, where my bewilderment lies is with this strange metal fastening.”
 
Buffy knew she should look away.  Yet, almost like a train wreck, she couldn’t.  Her mind went totally blank, as her eyes fixed on this ‘strange metal fastening,’ or more specifically the clearly bulging area trapped behind said fastening.
 
The sound of the door opening broke the staring contest Buffy had with William’s impressive zipper region.  It was as though Giles’ voice was a starting gun.  Upon hearing it, Buffy stood and headed over to the desk, hurriedly collecting her few belongings.
 
Buffy made a point to stay focused on her task and not to look at the male she was just ogling.  She was far too embarrassed to meet William’s gaze, even though she felt his eyes now trained on her. 
 
“Buffy, William?  Ah, I see you’re both awake.  Fortunately, I have secured numerous books about Toth and his choice of weaponry.  Hopefully, we will be—“
 
“Yeah, that we will only be you and William.  I’ve gotta go.  There’s lots of studying and um, studying to do.  So bye.”
 
Buffy slid on her jacket and pocketed her possessions.  Before heading out, she turned toward Giles.
 
“Oh and you need to show William how to work a zipper.”  Without waiting for a response, she closed the door soundly behind her.   
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
Author’s Notes:
 
Stiffed leg goat or fainting goats are a type of goats: “whose muscles freeze for roughly 10 seconds when the goat is startled. Though painless, this generally results in the animal collapsing on its side…When startled, younger goats will stiffen and fall over. Older goats learn to spread their legs or lean against something when startled, and often they continue to run about in an awkward, stiff-legged shuffle.”

A valet is “a man's male servant who performs personal services (as taking care of clothing)” http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/valet.  Also, as you know, they park cars—so Buffy wasn’t wrong either. 

If you haven’t been able to suss out, a privy is a bathroom.  Before indoor plumbing, the privy or aka outhouse, was located near the garden.  I guess when you use cow poop for fertilizer, it trumps the smell of human excrement. 

The zipper, as we know them today, was not introduced until 1913.  There were a few false starts before then, but it didn’t really gain popularity until 1913.
 
It’s cool how past inconveniences of a zipper-less society made this chapter!  Also, you learn something new everyday!
 
ETA=estimated time of arrival
 
 
 
Please let me know whatcha thought!  Big thanks to my betas Sanityfair and Diebirchen!