Disclaimer: All the characters and recognizable dialog belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Certain dialog borrowed from Lies My Parents Told Me and Dirty Girls.
 
Author’s note: This story goes AU at the end of Lies My Parents Told Me, and tends to be a little loose with canon timelines during Dirty Girls and thereafter. I was three-quarters of the way through this story when Terepsina posted her recent tale, with a similar premise. Mine is a bit darker than hers, but I just wanted to state that no plagiarism was intended. Just a random fluke of the BSV. 

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Buffy finally wandered home after dark, not bothering to patrol in particular. A vampire came out of an alley after her and she dusted it after a brief tussle, more out of habit than any great desire to rid the world of another vampire. Her stomach started growling as she neared the house, and she realized that she hadn’t actually eaten anything all day. When she opened the door all the voices in the living room stopped dead, and the assembled girls turned to look at her. Some glared, some shrank back a little, but none seemed particularly glad to see her. Saying nothing, Buffy hung up her coat and went into the kitchen, where she found Xander and Anya sitting at the counter with Dawn.
 
“Hey, Buffster,” Xander said when she came in. “People were getting worried about you.”
 
“Sorry,” Buffy muttered. She opened the fridge and pulled out some yogurt and sandwich ingredients. The others watched awkwardly as she made her meal in silence, then took it into the empty dining room to eat.
 
The three Scoobies looked at each other with concern. “What’s wrong with Buffy?” Anya asked.
 
“Think she’s still upset about Spike,” Dawn said quietly.
 
“I don’t get it. He almost rapes her, he kills a bunch of people, tries to eat Andrew – not that I can completely blame him for that – but I mean, he was evil! Why the heavy duty mourning here?” Xander asked.
 
“Maybe it’s the memory of all the orgasms,” Anya offered.
 
“They were friends,” Dawn said quietly. “He was someone she could talk to.”
 
“What are we? Chopped liver?” Xander asked indignantly. “I just don’t understand how she let herself get so close to that thing.”
 
“Xander, whether you liked him or not, clearly Buffy misses him,” Anya observed. “I’m no expert on human emotions, but I think she probably just needs some time to grieve, you know?”
 
“I guess,” Xander said. “But with the whole apocalypse thing breathing down our necks she sorta needs to get over it pretty quick.”
 
“I guess she really freaked the Potentials out today,” Dawn said. “Ran them ragged then wanted them to fight her. After she tossed a few of them around they came home and told Giles. He worked with them on weapons stuff all afternoon, but Buffy just stayed away.”
 
“Maybe one of us should try talking to her,” Anya said.
 
“I suppose I could give it a try,” Xander offered, without much enthusiasm. Talking to an angry Slayer was generally a bad prospect. Steeling himself he got up and made his way into the dining room. Buffy had finished her dinner and was in the process of clearing up. “Can I talk to you Buff?”
 
“What is it?” Buffy responded in an emotionless voice.
 
“I just wondered how you were doing. You seem pretty upset about Spike.”
 
“Gee, why would that be, Xander?” Buffy snapped sarcastically. “Just because Giles decided that it was time for another round of ‘Do what’s best for Buffy’ without consulting me? Just because someone I considered a friend and an ally is gone? Why should I be upset?” She stormed out of the dining room and into the kitchen, dumping her dishes angrily in the sink. She turned as the back door opened, admitting Giles and Robin Wood. Without a word she turned on her heel and walked off to the basement, slamming the door behind her.
 
“Still upset?” Giles asked unnecessarily.
 
“Uh, yeah, you could say that,” said Xander. “Not sure, but I think we’ve moved firmly into the anger stage of the whole grief process.”
 
Robin pursed his lips. “I just don’t understand how a Slayer can be so upset over a vampire. Isn’t that kind of against the natural order of things?”
 
“Preaching to the choir,” said Xander, holding his hands up in surrender.
 
“Xander, could you please assemble all the girls in the living room. I’ll go see if I can talk to her,” Giles said. Xander, only too pleased to avoid the moody Slayer, got up and went with Anya to assemble the throng.
 
Giles steeled himself, then opened the basement door. “Buffy?” he called, walking slowly down the stairs. “I need to talk to you.”
 
“So talk,” Buffy said. She was curled up on Spike’s cot again, facing the wall.
 
“Do you want to explain why the potentials all came back upset this afternoon?” he asked.
 
“I made them run. I tried to make them fight. They wouldn’t. They went home. End of story.” Buffy’s voice was flat and emotionless.
 
“They seemed to think you were acting, I think the term was ‘psycho’?” Buffy shrugged in response. “Buffy, I must insist that you get a hold of yourself. This brooding is getting us nowhere. I am… sorry that I went against your judgment. I was only acting…”
 
“For my own good, yeah, I know,” Buffy interrupted. “How come every time someone acts for my good, I end up hurt? Angel left, Willow dragged me back from heaven – all for my own good. That all worked out well. I felt really good.”
 
“Enough,” said Giles sternly. “I will not sit here and listen to you wallow in self-pity. You need to get upstairs and start rebuilding your relationship with those girls or they are never going to survive this!”
 
“Now you’ve got the idea,” Buffy said bitterly. “Big gold star for Giles.”
 
“I’m going upstairs to start our meeting. Are you coming or not?” Giles demanded, clearly fed up.
 
What are my chances of being left alone if I say no? Buffy wondered. She finally decided to get up, following Giles up the stairs with all the enthusiasm of someone being led to the gallows. She followed Giles into the living room, hovering near the doorway. The talk quieted down as people looked at each other apprehensively.
 
“Good evening,” Giles began. “I thought it might be a good idea to clear the air and develop a coherent training plan that we can all agree on.”
 
Kennedy was unsurprisingly the first to speak up. “It would be great if our instructor wasn’t trying to kill us all the time,” she grumbled, glaring at Buffy. Buffy just kept staring straight ahead of her, giving no sign of having heard.
 
“This is why we need to establish a plan,” Giles persisted. “If we all have a goal, it will be easier for both teacher and student.”
 
“But what are we training for?” asked Molly. “Are we just learning to defend ourselves, or are we planning to go after the enemy or what?”
 
“Someone else is coming,” Buffy said in an emotionless tone.
 
“What do you mean?” Robin asked.
 
“The First appeared to me today. Said I might like the next guy better.”
 
“What next guy?” Giles asked, confused.
 
Buffy shrugged. “Don’t know. Didn’t specify.” She clammed up again, leaning against the door frame with her arms crossed, staring at the floor.
 
“Can you tell us anything else about what he said?” Giles asked. “It could give us a clue.”
 
“No,” Buffy said shortly. She had no need to bring up those hateful words, spoken in the voice of the man she loved and missed.
 
When it was clear that no other information was to be gotten out of the Slayer, Giles turned back to the assembled group. “As I said, let’s come up with a training plan. Buffy? What do you think will be most helpful?”
 
“Whatever. Just tell me what you want me to do,” she responded.
 
“Thanks so much for your wisdom, fearless leader,” Kennedy scoffed.
 
Buffy straightened up minutely and fixed Kennedy with a cold, deadly glare. “I tried to lead. All I got was lies and people deciding they knew better than me. So fine. Have it your way. I’ll do what you ask me to do. But I am not your leader.”
 
“Buffy, you’re the most experienced fighter we have,” Robin said. “We really need your input.”
 
“No, you need a scapegoat to blame when it all goes wrong. Since you conveniently eliminated the other scapegoat, I don’t see any reason to take his place.” Buffy stood up, fighting to keep the tears at bay. “When you come up with your grand plan, let me know.” With that she turned and left, returning to the basement and slamming the door behind her.
 
“Whatever. We don’t need her anyway,” Kennedy declared.
 
“Kennedy, shut your mouth for once,” Giles snapped. Kennedy was a bit taken aback, but she shut up when she saw the eyes of Robin, Giles, Xander, and Anya all glaring at her. “Alright, let’s see what we need to work on…” Uneasily, they started to make their plans.
 
*********************
 
Buffy went back to Spike’s cot and lay down once more, rubbing her cheeks on the pillow he slept on, trying desperately to hold on to some part of him. So many times in the past weeks she had come down here, tired, irritated, world-weary, and he had just listened. She supposed he had always done that, when it came down to it, but sex and violence had always gotten in the way. She could have had so much love from him all along, and she had pushed it away. I’m sorry Spike. I never really got to tell you that. All that crap I dished out on you last year… She sighed and picked up the book of sonnets. She never really realized how much of a poetry buff Spike was, although she supposed if she had paused to look at the titles of the books she knocked out of his hand before jumping him she might have been surprised. The iambic pentameter formed a soothing rhythm in her mind as she read. She had never been much of a scholar, and some of the poems didn’t make a lot of sense to her. But she could imagine the words being spoken in his low British voice, and it sounded like music in her imagination.
 
She wasn’t sure how long she had been down there when the basement door opened slowly. “Buffy? Can I come down?” asked Dawn timidly.
 
“Sure,” Buffy responded, closing the book and sitting up on the cot.
 
“What are you doing down here?” Dawn asked, sitting down next to Buffy.
 
Buffy shrugged. “Reading. Nothing much.” After the silence had stretched out for a moment or two she added, “Is the meeting over?”
 
“Yeah,” said Dawn. “I guess they came up with some sort of training plan. Some combination of Watcher’s standard stuff with some extras thrown in.”
 
“Guess Giles can handle it then,” Buffy said, staring at her lap.
 
Dawn frowned. “Buffy, you can’t just give up. They need you. The girls need to see that you’re still trying. If you can’t do it, then they know they can’t.”
 
“Maybe I can do it. But I don’t know if I care,” said Buffy in a desperate tone that sent chills down Dawn’s spine.
 
“Buffy you’re not…” Dawn couldn’t even voice her fears of losing her sister again.
 
“No, I don’t have any great suicide plan, if that’s what you mean,” Buffy said, reading Dawn’s meaning. “But I don’t want to lead this charge either.”
 
“But why?” Dawn pleaded, trying to understand. “Is it because of Spike?”
 
“Yeah,” said Buffy in a small voice.
 
“But you and he weren’t… together any more or anything. He was an ally, but so were the Potentials who died. You didn’t stop fighting because of them. You didn’t even stop when mom died!” Dawn responded bitterly.
 
“He loved me, Dawn,” Buffy tried to explain. “He always had my back. And in these past few weeks, watching him fight, watching him become a better man, for me, I guess I grew to love him too.” Unbidden, a few tears found their way down her cheek.
 
“But you loved Angel, and killed him, and moved on after he left!” Dawn persisted.
 
“And this time it’s different,” Buffy said. “I don’t… I don’t know why. But I know that I needed him, and he’s gone. And he was taken away by the person who’s supposed to be my guide, who lied to me, who went behind my back. He only wants me to lead when I do what he wants. So fine. He can decide what he wants. I’m done leading.”
 
“So you’re just going to let everyone down, just because Spike is gone?” Dawn snapped. Her angry tone masked a sudden fear. If Buffy was truly quitting, what was going to happen to all of them?
 
Buffy sighed and rubbed her temples. “Dawn, I’m not abandoning you, ok?” she said in an exhausted voice. “I’m just… I’m having a hard time right now.” She dropped her head into her hands, trying to fight the urge to either lash out or curl up and cry again.
Dawn’s response was cut off by the sound of the door opening, and soon Xander appeared at the bottom of the stairs. “Buffy! Willow’s back. They found a Potential who’d been stabbed. She says she has a message for you, but she’s in surgery now. Giles would like you to come to the hospital.”
 
Buffy remained where she was for a few more moments, desperately wishing it would all just… stop. Finally she mustered enough will to get up and said, “Fine. I’m coming.” She and Dawn followed Xander up the stairs. Giles was waiting in the living room to drive Buffy to the hospital. By some silent agreement, Xander and Dawn stayed behind, leaving Buffy to follow Giles to the car. They rode much of the way there in awkward silence. Giles tried to ask Buffy her opinion about what had happened to the Potential, but she mumbled, “We’ll see what she says.” She clammed up again and Giles couldn’t get a word out of her the rest of the ride.
 
She’s acting like a stubborn child, Giles grumbled to himself. His irritation at her behavior was heightened by apprehension over the current state of affairs. There was a storm coming, and if they didn’t pull as one they were all going down. I should have been more firm with her when she was younger. I should have nipped this whole vampire obsession in the bud years ago. But even as the thought arose, he realized its futility. With Buffy, there were no certainties, and she ultimately obeyed no one’s rules unless she chose to.
 
They reached the hospital and made their way to the emergency ward. When they entered Willow rose from her seat in the waiting room and came to meet them. “She’s out of surgery, but still unconscious. Hopefully she’ll be able to talk to us soon.”
 
“You left her unguarded?” Giles asked in alarm.
 
“No, Faith’s with her,” Willow answered.
 
Buffy looked up. “Faith? As in tried to kill me, should still be incarcerated Faith?”
 
Willow took a deep breath. “Angelus was back. Faith broke out of prison to help get him under control until I could restore Angel’s soul. She came with me to join the fight against the First.”
 
“So a rogue slayer that I don’t trust is okay, but a souled vampire that I did trust is a problem. I see. Makes perfect sense,” Buffy growled sarcastically.
 
Giles ground his teeth slightly in frustration, but said, “If she was able to help get Angel back, I think that shows she has reformed. In any event, she is here, and we should use her talents.” To Willow he said, “Can you take us to the Potential?”
 
“Follow me,” said Willow. She led Giles and Buffy to the elevator, and up to the third floor. They walked down the hall to a room in the intensive care ward. When they entered, Faith jumped up and whirled, relaxing only when she saw who it was.
 
“Giles! B! Long time no see,” Faith said. Buffy fixed her with a cold stare, which made Faith remark nervously, “Any way we can call a truce for the moment, B? I’m not really in the mood for another coma and all that.”
 
“It’s good to have you back on our side, Faith,” Giles said.
 
“Has she said anything?” Buffy said, completely disregarding the whole interchange. She moved over to the side of the bed, observing the pale occupant. “What happened to her neck?”
 
Willow shook her head. “Some sort of burn mark. Like someone branded her or something.” Just then the girl started stirring, and after a few moments her eyes fluttered open.
 
“Where am I?” she asked in a tired voice.
 
“You’re in the hospital. You’re safe,” said Giles. “I’m Rupert Giles – I believe you were trying to reach me. This is Willow, Faith, and Buffy. What is your name?”
 
“I’m Shannon,” she said. With a bit of an effort, she turned to face Buffy. “Are you the Slayer?”
 
“Yeah. One of them, at least,” Buffy answered.
 
“The man who did this, said to tell you that he has something of yours,” Shannon said.
 
“What man?” Buffy asked. “Can you tell us about him?”
 
“He was dressed like a preacher. I was running from the Bringers and he stopped and picked me up. At first he seemed nice but then he said horrible things, and said the Bringers were working with him. Then he burned me with his ring and stabbed me, and told me to give you the message.” Shannon closed her eyes again for a moment, the effort having exhausted her.
 
“We should let you rest,” Giles said. “Willow, can you stay with her for a while?”
 
“Sure, Giles,” agreed the witch. Giles, Faith, and Buffy filed from the room.
 
“What was that all about?” Faith asked.
 
Buffy shrugged. “Not sure. What do you want to do about it?” she said to Giles in an uninterested tone.
 
Faith was a bit puzzled at Buffy’s response. Her memory of Buffy had been one of a woman of action, not one who waited to be told what to do. But here in the biggest crisis of her life, Buffy seemed unconcerned and apathetic. Clearly there was something she had missed, but now was not the time to hash it out. Both Slayers looked to Giles, who said, “We need to do some more investigation on this preacher. Buffy, can you stay and talk to her some more? Find out anything you can. I’ll take Faith home and get her settled.”
 
“She can have my room,” Buffy said. “But the basement is off limits to everyone unless I say otherwise.”
 
“Um, okay,” Faith said, now thoroughly confused. “Thanks B.”
 
“Don’t mention it,” she said. Buffy turned without another word and went back into Shannon’s room.
 
“What’s eating her?” Faith asked. “Never seen her so touchy before.”
 
“It’s a long story,” Giles sighed. “Let’s get you settled, and I’ll fill you in later.”
 
Giles drove back to Revello Drive and led Faith into the house. He introduced her to the other Slayers, and a long time was spent explaining who she was, and what her circumstances were. Then Giles was pulled away by Robin Wood for a discussion, leaving Faith feeling a bit at sea. She went up to throw her bag in Buffy’s room, then wandered down to the kitchen. The only person currently in the kitchen was Xander, who was polishing off a slice of pizza amid a pile of empty boxes.
 
“Hey, Harris, you still hanging around here?” Faith said by way of greeting.
 
“Guess so. You still with the murderous impulses, I hope not?”
 
“Nah, I’m back in the fold,” Faith said. After a moment she added, “Can you tell me what the deal is with B? She’s acting like someone ran over her puppy or something. It’s really weirding me out.”
 
Xander took a deep breath. “Better sit down, this might take a while.” Faith took his advice and parked herself on a stool at the counter. “Do you remember Spike?”
 
“Yeah. Hot British vampire guy, right?”
 
“Yes on the British and vampire, not one to judge the hotness factor,” Xander said. “Anyhow, he and Buffy had a thing last year.”
 
“B got it on with Spike?” Faith said, her jaw dropping in astonishment. “Miss Slayer of the Year and a vamp with no soul?”
 
“Yeah. She was pretty messed up last year. The whole thing ended really, really ugly on all sides.”
 
“Ok, so it ended. Did she dust him or something?” Faith was still confused.
 
“No. Things got really bad though.” Xander figured that Buffy could explain the whole ‘he’s my friend even though he tried to rape me’ thing, because he sure as hell couldn’t understand that aspect. “Spike ended up leaving and went out to get his soul back.”
 
“Holy shit,” breathed Faith. “How is that even possible? I mean, I thought Angel was sort of a one-of-a-kind deal with that.”
 
Xander shrugged. “No idea how he did it. He came back completely nuts at first. Then the First started messing with him.”
 
“How so?”
 
“The First was triggering him to kill again,” Xander explained. “But somehow he and Buffy became friends again. She even got his chip removed when it was malfunctioning, even though we didn’t know how the First was controlling him.”
 
“So what happened already?” Faith asked impatiently.
 
“Giles and Robin decided he was too much of a risk. They were worried he was going to turn on us at some crucial moment because the First told him to. So they went behind Buffy’s back and dusted him.”
 
“Whoa, back up there,” Faith said. “Giles dusted B’s man? That’s harsh.”
 
Xander shook his head. “At the time, I was completely on Giles’ side. I never liked the guy, with or without the soul, and the whole trigger thing was no end of badness. I mean, he was killing and turning people and didn’t remember it. Not someone you want sleeping in a house full of teenagers.”
 
“What do you think now?” Faith asked.
 
Xander frowned. “I think that he and Buffy were closer than I wanted to admit, closer than any of us understood. She’s really broken up about it.”
 
“So she’s just giving up?”
 
“I don’t know if she’s giving up, but she seems done being the leader of the club that’s made for you and me,” Xander said. “She basically said that if Giles is going to go behind her back then he can take over the leader job.”
 
“Wow,” Faith said, digesting the information. “Had no idea she had it so bad for Spike. Last I heard she was still carrying a torch for Angel.”
 
“You’ve been away a long time,” Xander said gently. “A lot has changed.”
 
“Yeah,” she agreed. With a crooked smile she said, “I hear you’ve got yourself a girl. What’s her name? Anya?”
 
“Well, that whole situation’s sort of complicated,” Xander admitted. “I sort of left her at the altar. We’re only just now getting back on speaking terms.”
 
“Man, I go away for a while and you all go to hell in a hand basket,” Faith said.
 
“It’s good that you’re back, Faith,” Xander said with a smile. “We’re going to need all the help we can get.”
 
Faith wondered at the feeling that someone genuinely seemed to appreciate her presence. “I think it will be good to have a team to play on again,” she said. Then she added, “Hey, is there any more of that pizza left?” Xander passed her the box, and they enjoyed a few moments of relative normalcy.