All Buffy felt was hard ground as she tumbled from the portal. The world spun like an out of control ferris wheel, and she had no time to recover before hands grabbed at her. A fist punched her in the face, knocking her back down.

A vampire. One of the ones she'd interrupted five years ago. No. Seconds ago.

Necessity forced her to shove down the post-portal nausea. Buffy rolled to standing, arms up and prepared to fight. She had no stake on her - a lazy oversight on her part - but that didn't matter. Facing her was a male vampire with his bumpies out, blood crusted around its face. He snarled at her, then lunged.

Buffy dodged to the right and rolled to grab a fallen branch. Something collided with her, preventing her from grabbing the weapon. She faltered. The vampire leaped on her, fangs brandished and at her throat. She shoved him up with her arms and placed a foot to his crotch.

Whatever had impeded her path was gone now. Buffy snatched the branch and jabbed it into the vampire's chest. It vanished.

Buffy turned back to the portal in time to see it fizzle out with a satisfying snap and crackle.

That wasn't right. Spike wasn't...

Buffy dropped the branch. He hadn't made it over. She was home, but Spike was still on the other side.

With a groan, she clutched at her stomach, fighting an ache low in her gut. She sniffed and willed the tears to go away. She'd get him back. New mission. He may hate her. May be repulsed by her. But he wanted home, and she'd do that much for him. 

"You really in love with me?"

At first Buffy stood in the middle of the cemetery, unsure of what to do. Where to go. Home? That was a scary thought. The school library? No, she'd blown that up. The magic shop? Undoubtedly closed.

Giles' apartment was tempting, but something nudged her towards her house. Despite the fear she felt at the thought, her legs started walking the never forgotten path toward Revello Drive. She could traverse this route with her eyes closed, so many endless nights spent in the company of the graves. 

Buffy reached a hand out to brush against the maple tree on her right. She had a memory of staking a vampire against it once upon a time. The bigger tree up ahead, she'd made out with Angel underneath it back in high school.

She drank down the remembrance, letting it warm her. It soothed her fear. She had a history here. A past she could touch. So maybe it had been interrupted for a few years. It remained, the imprint of the life she'd known. She could still fit.

The calm repose she'd lapsed into withered as she reached the front porch. Of course she couldn't fit here anymore. 

The front door faced her, and it was one enemy she felt like backing away from. She didn't know if she could do this. Not without Spike to shove her along.

Her home, the memories of her life, they all existed in some faraway portrait frozen in time as if in amber. It was safe. Now, though, entering the house, seeing her family, would change things. That gauzy painting of a happier life would be forever affected, maybe not for the better. Why not keep things as they were? 

She tugged Spike's jacket more tightly around her. The front door remained impassive, unmoved by her indecision. 

No. She knew if there was one thing Spike would want her to do, it would be to reunite with her mother. He'd insist on it. She had to do this. She could do this.

Taking advantage of her moment of resolve, Buffy pushed the door open and stepped inside. 

She held her breath as if afraid of bursting the bubble of peace and familiarity that surrounded her in the entryway. The mechanical sounds of an adding machine emanated from the dining room. The rest of the house was silent. Buffy imagined her mother in the dining room, working on finances for the gallery. She'd be leaning forward, biting on the end of the pencil, papers strewn about the table.

While Joyce had been trying to balance the budget for her gallery, Buffy had been fucking demons.

Buffy took a step backward. She couldn't do this. Warning sirens exploded in her head, and the only conscious thought Buffy could manage was to get out.

"Back so ear - dear lord!"

Buffy turned to the living room. Giles stood at the doorway, staring at her in shock. Why was Giles here?

"Glory?" He took a step toward her.

Buffy backed away. Glory. Right. That hellgod that had been after Dawn five years ago - now. Giles had been staying with her mother and Dawn while she slayed. Buffy shook her head, not sure how to explain everything to him.

"Buffy, what happened?" Her mother had come to the entryway. She had that same look of shock and worry that Giles had. 

Buffy hadn't seen her mother in five years. She hadn't changed, not a bit. She wouldn't have, would she? She tried to think of how to explain where she'd been, what she'd been doing. Nothing came to mind. The only thing Buffy could process was the look of concern on her mother's face. That was a look she hadn't seen in so long. She'd missed it. She'd missed having someone be concerned about her. Caring about her. Loving her. Unconditionally. Whatever the world threw at her, however many demons she had to service...she'd missed that look. That look meant that at least one person gave a damn about her.

Her mother still gave a damn about her.

She'd forgotten. And remembering knocked her heart around, collapsing her stomach and taking away the strength in her legs.

While one moment found her mother reaching an arm to touch her elbow, the next found Buffy clutching at her mother and crying into the crook of her neck. When her legs gave out, she pulled Joyce to the floor with her.

Her mother smelled like warmth and comfort, untainted by hardship. However confused her mother must have been, she stroked Buffy's back and held her.

After a few moments, Buffy sensed Giles kneeling next to her.

"Buffy, what happened tonight?"


With some effort, Buffy pulled away to look at him. She shook her head. "Not tonight," she said. "Five years."

She allowed herself to be taken care of at that point. Buffy was content to let herself be coddled and herded, placed in the living room while Giles and her mother moved around her. She was home. She was allowed to stay still now. At least for a little while.

Buffy wrapped her hands around the warm mug that appeared before her. She willed her arms to stop shaking. As she perched at the edge of the couch, she listened as her mother tried to convince Dawn to go back to sleep.

"But what's wrong with Buffy?"

"Never mind, Dawn. We're taking care of it."

Across from Buffy sat Giles, watching her with that steady gaze of concern. Never wavering.

Her hands tightened around the mug when she remembered Spike. She couldn't be stationary right now. Spike needed her. Time was now synced between the two worlds and every second spent over here was a second that Spike was trapped over there. 

What were they expecting from her? Did they want the whole story? All five years' worth of...stuff? 

When Buffy wiped tears from her face, her hand came back stained pale red. She'd forgotten about the blood from the ritual. No wonder she'd caused a near-panic with her appearance.

She sniffed and rubbed at her nose. Having successfully sent Dawn back to bed, Joyce came to sit next to her. 

The older adults exchanged a glance, communicating silently, and Giles began, "Buffy, what happened?"

Buffy stared into the cup of tea as if it were a lifeline. She couldn't bring herself to meet their eyes. "There's a portal. To another dimension. Spike and I fell through it and, well...god, this is complicated!" She closed her eyes. Keep to the basics. They didn't need to know details. "Spike and I have spent the past five years in an alternate dimension. We finally made it back, but Spike's trapped on the other side. I don't know why. The portal's weird. I guess...I guess it didn't let him through."

Buffy flinched when Joyce put a hand on her knee. 

"Tell me more about this alternate dimension," Giles said.

After taking a deep breath of preparation, Buffy unleashed the story of the other world - there was no Slayer, it was ruled by demons, the portal required a soul to get through to this world, and Buffy, herself, acted as the cork. She didn't go into details about her life over there. No word on the drugs, the prostitution, or her and Spike's mercurial relationship. They didn't need to know that. Maybe nobody did.

When she was finished, Giles leaned back with a worried look on his face. Her mother was gripping her hand tightly. Buffy felt as if she were before an inquisition. She found herself holding her breath as she waited for someone to speak.

"Why...wasn't Spike able to come through the portal again?" Giles asked.

"I don't know. But I have to get him back. You'll help?"

Giles cleared his throat, "Well, loathe as I am to go out of my way for Spike, I'm concerned about this Dehevret and what his plans may be. By what you tell us, you coming home through the portal is just what he wanted. I can't help but fear this may be a danger to our world."

"So you'll help?" 

Giles nodded. "Yes, though, uh, I imagine you're tired." He looked to Joyce.

"Honey, why don't you go up and shower and sleep? Mr. Giles can start researching and tomorrow you can meet with the others to figure out a plan," her mother said.

Buffy cringed at the thought of seeing her friends but now wasn't the time to protest that. She nodded, feeling the exhausting weight of her long journey.

The two adults remained silent and expectant while Buffy stood and retreated up the stairs. It was only when she had closed the bathroom door behind her that she heard the murmur of voices from downstairs.

She ignored them. 

Buffy peeled off her clothes and turned the hot water on, adding a small twist to the cold water faucet. She remembered the particular configuration of this shower as if on instinct.

As soon as the hot water began to steam, Buffy stepped inside.

The water hit her with the force of a tidal wave. How long had it been since she'd had the luxury of a shower? Well, she'd bathed in a lake while they were traveling. That didn't even come close to the ecstasy of clean, hot water pouring down her body. 

She splashed it over her face, letting the dried deer blood bleed away. Her fingers couldn't get through her hair for the tangles. 

Rubbing the shampoo and conditioner through her hair was so unfamiliar as to be a foreign experience. At the brothel, she'd had oils that she used in her hair, but they didn't lather like this. She held the shampoo in her palm and squeezed it between her fingers. Sticky. White. Like cum.

She closed her eyes. No. She wasn't that girl. Not here. Not with her baby sister one room away.

Once she'd washed herself twice over, she stared at the razor. Her legs were furry with light blonde hair and her armpits were overgrown. Time was she wouldn't be caught dead like that. Now, though, it had only been an unavoidable inconvenience.

She didn't know if she wanted to take the time to do her legs. She was already feeling tired. She ran the razor over her armpits, though. She'd need to get back into her proper grooming habits.

After this was finished, she remained in the shower. She was tired, but she felt a warm safety beneath the water. Her body was finally clean as it hadn't been able to be on the other side. She ran her hands down her stomach. Could her mother tell what she'd been doing over there? Buffy felt like it was written all over her. They hadn't said anything, though.

"I don't love you now."

When Buffy wiped her nose, she accidentally inhaled a handful of water. She sputtered and coughed.

The pounding water of the shower succeeded in eking out the last of the tension in her muscles. Buffy allowed the lethargy of her exertions take over. Twisting the water knobs, Buffy emerged from the shower. 

Her mom had laid out some pajamas on her bed. Buffy took little time to slip into them and burrow herself under the covers for a much-needed rest.

Sleep came easier for her than she thought it would. She hadn't had the luxury of an actual bed since their stay at Avery's. Days of travel on the road had conditioned her to sleeping on the hard earth. Given the opportunity to partake of an actual mattress and pillow, though...

Well, she'd been out like a light as soon as her feet left the floor.

She dreamed that her vagina was a loose bag that drooped to her knees. It dragged along the concrete road she ran down.

She awoke some hours later, aware of a presence watching her. Light streamed through the blinds on the window. When she looked up, she saw Dawn peering in through the now-open door, watching her.

Buffy sat up. Her hair frizzed around her. She'd slept on it while it was still wet. That was never a good thing, no matter what dimension she was in.

"Don't you have school?" Buffy asked, uncomfortable with the scrutiny of Dawn's stare.

"It's Saturday."

"Oh." Yeah, like Buffy could remember what day she'd left.

"What happened?"

Buffy tensed. How much had her mother told Dawn? Had Dawn figured out all the details their mom hadn't been privy to? 

"Slayer stuff," Buffy said shortly.

Dawn subtly recoiled, a growing distance in her expression. She crossed her arms. "Everybody's making a big fuss. Is it Glory?"

"Glory?" Buffy shook her head. "Dawn, no. It's nothing you need to worry about."

"Right. For my own protection, huh? I know how it is." Dawn's voice was acid.

Buffy's hands shook and her limbs were heavy. Despite the rest in an actual bed, she felt more tired than ever. She sniffed and rubbed her nose before trying to tame her hair with her fingers.

"It's not like that, Dawn."

"Whatever." Dawn rolled her eyes. "I know I'm not important enough to - "

"Jesus fuck, Dawn! Not everything is about you, alright?" Buffy grimaced and held her head. When she looked up, Dawn was gaping in wide-eyed surprise. Buffy took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. "Could you leave? I'm going to get dressed and go check with Giles."

Dawn slammed the door shut.

****

Buffy pulled Spike's coat more tightly around herself as the wind surged past her. 

After getting out of bed, Buffy had found her breakfast made courtesy of mom along with the news that Giles had called the gang to the magic shop to research the portal situation. Buffy was invited to join them.

She wasn't looking forward to seeing the Scoobies again. Would they ask questions? Would they think she was acting weird? Was she acting weird? Would they be able to tell what she'd done in the other world?

She'd eaten her breakfast as slowly as possible but she eventually had to bite the bullet and start walking to the shop.

As Buffy turned the corner, she almost ran into Willow and Tara, both of them holding coffee cups. They looked clean.

"Buffy!" Willow startled. Tara fought the wind as it tried to blow her hair into her face.

"Hey," Buffy said. She straightened her posture. "Headed to the Magic Box?"

"Yeah." Willow nodded with a bright smile. Too bright a smile. "Giles called and told us, you know, the sitch. So we're gonna help. Of course. Whatever you need, Buffy! We're...right...here," she petered out, looking awkwardly to Tara.

"We're glad you made it back safely," Tara picked up her cue.

Buffy looked to the sidewalk, folding her arms around her and nodding. "Right. Now we just need to get Spike back."

"Uh huh. Spike." Willow wrinkled her brow. "That's his jacket?"

Buffy dug her fingers into the leather sleeves. "Yeah. It was cold our last night over there."

"What was...it like?" Willow leaned closer, ready for a sharing of confidence.

Buffy stepped back. "Different. Should we?" She motioned in the direction of the Magic Box.

Willow took the hint and nodded. With that, the three girls continued their walk.

The remainder of the journey was uncomfortable in its silence. Buffy felt their eyes on her every step of the way. She clung tighter to Spike's coat. It smelled like fucking and glory and extra-dimensional portals. It smelled like him.

"Wouldn't worship you."

Buffy blinked away the dimness as they entered The Magic Box. Across the room, Xander stood, waving a hand. He smiled.

"Hey there, Buff!"

Anya walked to his side from around behind the counter. "Hello, Buffy. We've closed the shop today to make you more comfortable." She nodded. "I hope you appreciate it."

Giles appeared from the back room. He glared at Anya over his glasses. "Yes, uh, I've collected some books that may be relevant."

"Well, then," Willow moved to the circular table. "We should get cracking, right?"

Research wasn't something Buffy had done much of during her time in the other world. As the others settled into the familiar behavior, Buffy hung back, at a loss of what to do. 

Xander turned a page. He looked up at her and smiled broadly, like he would to a child who'd just lost a parent. Willow gave her a sympathetic smile as she reached for her coffee. Buffy was on display, even if everybody was trying to pretend that she wasn't. They wanted to know everything, all the details, the dirty secrets. With every glance, they hoped to reveal more of her trauma. It was an undressing, but not at all sexual. Far more uncomfortable.

"I'm gonna use the training room," Buffy blurted out. Five heads looked up at her. "Unless you guys need me..."

That uncomfortable silence again. Giles leaned back. "If we need some information, we'll know where to find you."

"Right." Buffy nodded. Keeping her gaze fixed on the door to the training room, she escaped from the research party.

She sighed when she closed the door behind her. This was harder than she had thought it would be. 

Noticing the dummy in the corner, Buffy slipped Spike's jacket off her thin shoulders and slung it onto the strawman. She made sure the sleeves weren't rumpled, then she teased the straw emerging from the canvas head so that it resembled Spike's messy do. Well, if she squinted right.

It's girth was too large but it was about the right height. Buffy leaned against the jacket, inhaling as she closed her eyes.

What was it they said? If you feed a stray dog for three days, it becomes yours? Well, what if you were the one who was the stray dog? And then someone came along and swooped you up to take you back to the home you came from?

Buffy enjoyed the peace, allowing herself to doze lightly while standing next to the pseudo-Spike. This one was as responsive and warm as the real one, but without the complication of her feelings.

"You really in love with me?"

She cringed at memories of words she'd said. Words he'd said. Words he might say if given half the chance.

"This help, pet?"

Buffy nodded. 

"So it'd be easier to get on with your mates if I were around, that it?"

She frowned. "I wouldn't have to get on with 'my mates' if you were around."

"Not like your little secret's gonna disappear if I arrive on the scene, you know."

"Can we not talk about it?"

"About the fact that your cunt's got the grime of thousands of demons lodged in it?"

Buffy jerked backwards, pushing away from Spike's stand-in. "This cunt was good enough for you to fuck!"

"Buffy?"

She turned to find Giles standing in the doorway. 

"What?" she snapped.

Giles appeared wary, but unperturbed. "We're going to need your help with this, I'm afraid."

Buffy moved away from the dummy to stand in the center of the room, arms crossed. "My help?"

"We need more information about this other world. I...hesitate to ask you, but if it's important to you that we get Spike back - "

"It is."

"Then I'm going to need to ask more about the...details of your stay."

Buffy didn't return his gaze. She focused on a spot on the doorframe just past his shoulder. She sighed. "What do you want to know?"

With a hesitant motion, Giles gestured for her to follow him back out to the group. After grabbing Spike's coat, Buffy reluctantly took a seat at the table, holding her body to herself as closely as possible.

"I need to hear more about this portal. Could you explain the ritual that brought you back over again?"

Buffy sighed. She kept her gaze on the center of the table, stubbornly refusing to meet her friends' eyes. They were all trying to do that "reassuring expression" thing again. She knew that if she glanced at one of them, they would nod encouragingly and then watch her reaction like a hawk. It was like she was being dissected. Vivisection, right there on Giles' table. 

"We - Spike and I - just followed the instructions in a book."

Giles pounced on that. "A book? Did you bring it with you?"

"No." Spike's coat gave her a tough hide. Literally. A protective barrier against the onslaught of probing concern. 

When silence followed, Buffy clarified further. "Dehevret had shown up just as we'd finished the ritual. We were in a rush."

"What was the book called?" 

Buffy scrunched her face. "Book of Langley? No, wait. Book of Langlar." She laughed. "It's funny, cause we actually got the book from Dehevret. Paid him for it and everything."

Giles wasn't interested in the amusing anecdote, though. He had reached for the books. Obviously, the name had triggered something in his memory.

"What is it, Giles?" Willow asked.

"The Book of Langlar...sounds awfully familiar. Oh! Of course!"

Xander threw up his arms. "Of course! Why didn't we see it before?"

Giles nailed Xander with a side glance. "The, um, Book of Langlar is a dimensional constant."

"A what?" Buffy asked.

"He means it exists in every dimension." Anya didn't look up from the merchandise catalog she was thumbing through. "It's like the granddaddy of portal information."

"You have it?" Buffy asked.

"Well, no," Giles said. "I have books about it."

Buffy slumped back into her seat, letting her feet rest flat on the floor.

"Not like we need it to figure out why Spike didn't make it back over," Anya said.

Everybody turned to her. She remained engrossed in her catalog.

"Ooo! This file cabinet is prettier than the one we have now!"

Giles removed his glasses. "Anya, would you care to elucidate on your statement?"

Anya finally looked up. "Well, you have your basic 'good in; bad out' portal, right? So Spike got a soul, thinking it would let him into the good side. But since it's not his soul, the portal saw that he was fractured and wouldn't let him through."

Buffy's mouth went dry. "So Spike needs his soul to get through to this side?"

"Yeah." Anya frowned. "Or if somebody got a hold of one of those portal-splitting devices that would create a large and permanent hole between the worlds, he could cross through, then."

In the heavy silence that covered the room after Anya's statement, Buffy could have sworn her heart stopped beating. She finally knew what Dehevret had been trying to get from this side of the portal: a device that would let Spike come through...as well as an army.

****

The creature moved sluggishly. His journey had not been easy. The torture he had endured still hindered his body from acting as quickly – and painlessly – as it should.

Once he had escaped, minus his stinger, it had been a simple matter to keep up with the traveling pair. The message he had received clarified his new mission: Cross over to the other side and find a sympathetic demon to return with the H'Talth stone.

Jigal entered the establishment known as "Willy's", one of the town's hubs of demon activity.

In this, his final mission, he would not let his master down.

tbc...