Giles had insisted on making tea first.

Buffy sat with bouncing knees as she waited for him to return from his small kitchen. She didn't wait well these days. She'd adopted the smoking habit, but it only barely kept her away from Speedy's. She was relying on simple willpower and distraction techniques to get her through the ceaseless cravings.

She'd taken the money she hadn't used on coke and bought a number of jigsaw puzzles along with a yo-yo. The jigsaw puzzles kept her occupied in her room so she wasn't in danger of running into any of the people she didn't want to run into. It also kept her hands busy enough to convince the rest of her body that it wasn't a good time for drugs. The yo-yo served a similar purpose for those rare times when she wasn't in her room. Usually, that meant she was in the cemetery. On this occasion, it meant she was at Giles'.

"Cheers," Giles said. He handed her a teacup of fragrant liquid.

"Thanks. So it's here?" Buffy thrust the cup onto the coffee table next to the yo-yo and perched forward.

Giles nodded mid-sip and held up one finger. He grimaced. "Mmm...I don't think I let that steep long enough."

"I think it's fine."

"You haven't even tried yours," Giles protested.

"Giles, please," Buffy snapped. "Can we just...get to business?"

He sighed, lowering his cup. "Buffy, the orb will still be there after we exchange some pleasantries. I thought that you might like some calm."

She'd started to hate arrogant assumption that he knew exactly what she needed. He didn't.

"Fine." Buffy put her hands up. "Fine. Okay." She snatched her cup and swallowed a tiny amount before placing it back on the table. "I know! I know I'm on edge. I'm just...I need to do something." She outstretched her fingers in a frantic imitation of jazz hands. "You know?"

"I have some idea," Giles smiled sadly. Buffy wanted to yell that he had no idea, but she remained quiet. Anything to get him to show her the fucking orb.

He set aside his tea and reached for the shipping box set atop the bar. With the care and precision of a librarian, he sliced the shipping tape and opened the package.

"The orb of Thesulah," Buffy said. She watched as Giles extracted the globe from the packing material. Okay, so it looked like a cheap glass ball. She knew better. One of these had restored Angel's soul years ago, and now it would restore Spike's.

"Doesn't look too impressive," she said with a shrug.

"Well, it is just the container." Giles said. He handed it to Buffy, who hefted the weight.

"So now..."

"Now, tonight, we let the demon do the ritual."

Buffy nodded.

She'd been steadfastly avoiding her friends ever since the confrontation in the Magic Box. Avoidance was easier for everyone. At first she'd been okay with all of the avoiding going on. No conflict, no stress, no anxiety, no fears. All Buffy had to worry about were demons in the cemetery and jigsaw puzzles that refused to come together.

Now, though, the isolation was starting to hurt. Potential conflict or no, she missed the connection with the others. It spurred a longing deep inside her, so deep she hadn't realized it was there during her five year long banishment in the other world.

How to have that connection without the pain of judgment, though? Buffy's heart squeezed to think of it.

Coming back was supposed to fix things. Except it seemed as if everything was an even bigger mess now. When she wasn't sleeping, she was slaying and living the life of a recluse. Every second, she itched to have more cocaine and every second after she'd have to tell herself she couldn't have it. She didn't know when this would end. If it would end. How to deal with this and her friends.

She wanted to go back to how things were in that faraway time before she'd fallen through the portal into the other world, but she didn't know how. All she could do, all she could think, was to get this mission done and get Spike back.

Giles spoke, breaking her reverie, "We should meet with the others this afternoon at the shop."

Buffy nodded. "Yeah."

That was a frightening prospect. Buffy would rather face down all the vampires in the graveyard than see her friends again. Not because she was mad at them anymore but because she needed them to accept her back. So much. And if they didn't...if they couldn't...

"We're going to need their help."

"I know," she said. "It's okay. I'll go."

Giles put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

****

The ring of the bell signaled their entrance. Giles walked in front with Buffy bringing up the rear.

A good position to be in if she was going to run away.

But she wasn't.

She wasn't.

Buffy let the door swing close behind her. Giles blocked her view of the rest of the shop. She willed him to stay in place a little longer, but he moved, revealing her to the scrutiny of her friends that she'd walked out on days ago.

"Um...hey," she said by way of acknowledgement.

Giles placed the orb on the counter. Buffy felt naked without his presence by her side.

She'd had nightmares about this moment and all the ways it could go wrong. They'd start interrogating her about her time on the other side or Anya would have a humorous sketch of Buffy fucking a demon or they would take turns spitting on her to show their disgust.

"We think tonight's the night," she said, bypassing any of the awkward personal discussion. Better to get straight to the business at hand. Avoid all the sketches and spitting. "Are you ready, Willow?"

Willow looked surprised at being addressed so directly. She glanced at her girlfriend before meeting Buffy's eyes and nodding.

"Definitely. I've been going over the spell and making sure I have everything down."

"Good," Buffy replied. "Because we need the spell done quickly. We can't let the portal stay open too long. When it's open, the chances of the device going through it and cracking an open corridor between the dimensions go up. We can't let that happen."

"So what's the plan?" Xander spoke up.

Buffy knew she was asking a lot of them. They risked their lives for her in the past. They were now going to risk their lives for Spike, a demon that even she wasn't sure she could trust. Hell, they were going to risk their world for Spike. Of course they'd been confused. Of course they'd appealed to the group for help.

She'd walked out on them, but they were still willing to help her, without reservations. When Buffy outlined the plan, no one questioned it, her leadership, or her.

It was familiar. She hadn't enjoyed this confidence in her ability for a long time.

Giles remained quiet throughout, standing by the register and staring down at his feet. Buffy knew what he was doing. He was letting her take charge so as to show her that she could..

She was grateful to him.

She was grateful to her friends.

She still wanted to run and hide from them.

When Buffy finished laying out the plan, a silence fell over the group. Their usual chatter was absent. Buffy rubbed the edge of Spike's coat in a nervous gesture.

She didn't need their approval, but she did. She waited for a sign that they were on board. That they would help her get Spike back and seal away that cursed world.

She'd had a lot of time to think these past few days during her solitude. As the one thousand piece jigsaw puzzle depicting a sleeping kitten came together, she thought about herself, her friends, her past, and her future. She sat in the middle, not who she used to be and not sure of who she would be tomorrow.

Her friends wanted her to be the old Buffy - the one they knew before. She was familiar and reliable. She was the stalwart soldier who fought the monsters.

Buffy wanted to be that Buffy, too. She wanted to be unburdened and young - so young. She wanted her system pure and unfettered by drugs. She wanted her conscious clear of the knowledge of how to please Graykkre demons. She wanted to be focused on her mission while still caring about her friends and family. She wanted to be everything she used to be and cast off everything she had gained in the other world.

She needed it. If they'd accept her back, if they'd believe in her, maybe she could believe in herself.

Maybe she'd be Buffy again.

****

Buffy watched as Willow stood atop the plastic chair. Her friend's head was lifted to peer at the wires streaming out of the camera. The wind blew slightly, teasing at their hair.

The chair wobbled. Buffy grabbed the back as Willow yelped.

"Uh...thanks," Willow said, wide-eyed.

"No problem." Buffy kept a hand on the chair to stabilize it.

They stood in silence as Willow continued to mess with the wires. With a cavalier attitude that Buffy didn't quite feel, she drew the yo-yo from her pocket and started yo-yoing with her free hand.

Willow spoke up: "I had nightmares about what you went through."

Buffy tensed but didn't respond. The plastic yo-yo slicked down the string only to bounce right back up.

"I guess that's selfish, right? Cause, like, that's what you went through. But I just...it hurt to hear you went through that."

When Buffy looked up, Willow was stubbornly keeping her gaze on the electronics. To Buffy's untrained eye, her friend didn't look to actually be doing anything, though.

Buffy looked back down to the yo-yo. It had stopped at the bottom. "It hurt to go through," she said softly. It felt like a confession.

The pretense of the conversation made it easier than the Very Special Talk she'd tried to have with Willow earlier in her bedroom. Now they were simply two friends, chatting while Willow got the camera working. Old friends.

Like how things used to be.

Buffy exhaled a nervous breath. She tossed the yo-yo up and jammed it back in her pocket. "I didn't want to come back at first. Spike had to...persuade me."

Willow shifted her feet. Buffy held the chair more tightly.

"You were afraid of us?"

"I was comfortable where I was."

This time Willow looked down at her in shock. "When you were...you know?"

"In the brothel?" Buffy nodded. "I'd been there for years." She shrugged. "You can get used to almost anything after a while. And the drugs...well, they didn't hurt, either."

Willow looked upset but she turned back to the camera.

Buffy wanted to explain this because if she could get Willow to understand, then maybe she could get back to how things were.

"When I was fifteen, I became the Slayer. Soon, 'normal' became late nights slaying vampires and hidden laundry cycles to get the blood out of my clothes. It's horrifying, I guess, but I got used to it." Buffy considered the row of toy vending machines outside the Magic Box. "Then I ended up over there. My powers were taken away and I was forced into prostitution. So then 'normal' became naked demons and free coke."

"That's horrible."

"I guess so." Buffy shrugged.

"I'm so sorry," Willow's voice was wobbly like the chair she stood on.

"I don't want that," Buffy snapped. "I don't want those hangdog expressions. I just want..."

"The old 'normal'?"

"Yeah." Relief. Willow got it.

"Maybe...maybe tonight, while we're keeping a lookout, we could...I dunno, have a movie night at your place? Or would that be...too much?"

Buffy closed her eyes. "It'd be perfect."

****

In deference to Buffy who hadn't seen any movies for five years, everybody had acquiesced to the ice skating movie, Ice Castles, she had picked out from the rental store.

Buffy felt a chill of distance as she sat on the couch, pre-movie preparations going on around her. Popcorn was made, blankets were gathered, soda was poured, seating arrangements were negotiated.

This was normal.

She wasn't close to it, though it surrounded her. She knew she should be drawing comfort from the familiarity, but she only felt the harsh cut of solitude.

She ended up sitting next to Willow. Buffy leaned toward the armrest, though, while Willow leaned towards Tara, who sat on her other side. Giles had gotten the chair, of course. Xander and Anya cuddled up to each other on the floor.

Willow kept the laptop open on the coffee table in front of her. The monitor streamed the video feed of the cemetery in the distance. If there were any demonic revelers out tonight, they'd be able to spot them.

"Will it have a happy ending?" Anya asked. "I don't think we should watch a movie with an unhappy ending right before a demon invasion."

"Do ice skating movies ever have unhappy endings?" Xander asked in response.

"I think Buffy's the expert, there," Willow said, making a stilted effort to include the Slayer.

Buffy hesitated. She talked to them through a telescope lens. "Uh..." she said. "I don't remember. I think they're usually happy."

After a pause, Xander picked up the conversation. "Except for that Freddy Krueger ice skating movie. That one was a bit on the sad side."

Joyce appeared at the doorway, "Do you guys need anything? I'm about to shut myself away to work on some expense reports."

A chorus of 'No's' sounded through the room.

Joyce looked to Buffy. "Buffy? A word?"

The trailers were playing. Buffy stood and trekked to the entryway where her mother waited. She was nervous. She'd been avoiding her mother ever since her return. It was easier to wall herself off than to risk the pain of judgment and rejection that may come from her loved ones. She knew the potential pain of her mother's reaction would hurt most of all.

"The big mission's tonight?" Joyce asked casually. She gripped her hands together, though, belying her concern.

Buffy nodded. She wanted to run back into the den. Or her room. Or anywhere else.

"Well, I haven't seen you much these past couple days. I guess you've been making preparations, so I'm trying not to do the mom thing. But I haven't had a chance to let you know," Joyce ran a hand through Buffy's hair. "Your new haircut looks beautiful." She paused. "You look beautiful."

It wasn't a phrase Buffy had heard a lot - at all - lately. She didn't know if she believed it. Moms always say that stuff, even when it's not true.

But it meant something that it was said.

Maybe she didn't have to wall herself off quite so much.

She drew her mother into a firm hug, closing her eyes in the sanctuary of her arms. New walls. Better walls. With doors that she could open for certain people.

When they pulled apart, Joyce smiled. "Be careful tonight."

"I will," Buffy promised.

As her mother left, Buffy returned to the discomfort of the living room. No walls here.

"Good timing!" Willow said. "The trailers just finished."

"Oh, but you missed the preview about the clumsy dog movie," Tara added.

"Somehow, I think I'll live," Buffy said. She took her place beside Willow as the opening credits played over video of a young girl gliding across the ice.

Dawn appeared at the entrance to the living room. Her arms were crossed, her expression unsure.

"Hey, Dawnster!" Xander said in greeting.

Dawn looked at Buffy apprehensively. "I finished my homework for the night."

"Oh. Good." Buffy wasn't sure what type of response that required.

Dawn looked at the screen before looking back at Buffy. "Can I watch the movie with you?"

Buffy nodded. "Sure."

Dawn joined the group and sat on the floor in front of Buffy.

The movie never stood a chance of holding Buffy's attention.

Her sister, right in front of her. Dawn's shoulder almost touched Buffy's leg. Every tiny movement Dawn made sent a shock of panic through Buffy. Her little sister, the young girl she now had to protect from a hellgod. Buffy didn't want to touch her.

Buffy wanted to hold her tightly.

She wanted to run away.

Was anybody else even paying attention to the stupid movie?

Buffy's eyes drifted, instead, to the laptop. She willed the demons to come out. She wanted the certainty of the fight over this prolonged social trial.

She'd been an idiot to think this would be a pleasant evening. What? Have a happy group movie night and everything's better?

The room grew too small. Buffy couldn't breathe for the people surrounding her.

"I'm going to have a smoke," she whispered to Willow as she stood.

Willow looked surprised. "We can pause it."

Buffy shook her head. "Don't worry. I've seen it before."

Buffy took advantage of the escape hatch and fled out the front door. She pulled out her pack of cigarettes with a shaky hand.

Why couldn't this be easier?

She relaxed only slightly when the tobacco hit her lungs. She leaned against the railing of the front porch and stared without focus into the night. This had been a horrible idea. Part of her hated Willow for even suggesting it, but a larger part of her hated herself for going along.

This wasn't a sitcom where things got resolved at the end of the episode. She wasn't who she was before. She couldn't be. She'd known this from the start, but she didn't know how to move forward as she was. After all she'd seen, done, been subjected to. How could she sit with her younger friends and happily watch a fucking ice skating movie?

She wasn't nineteen. She wasn't even twenty-four. She was older and more worn than anybody else in that fucking house.

She didn't turn when she heard the front door open and close behind her. Of course, Giles would come to check on her. She didn't want him to. Not even he could get what she'd been through. She didn't want his quiet support right now. His unknowing attempts to relate. He didn't know shit.

When she turned, she was surprised to see Dawn.

"What?" Buffy asked.

"Can I smoke?" Dawn asked.

Buffy raised an eyebrow. "Are you serious?"

Dawn shrugged. "You're doing it."

"I also stick wooden stakes through vampires' hearts. You're not doing that, either."

"Fine." Dawn rolled her eyes. "But you know you're a bad influence."

Buffy turned back to the street. "I know."

Dawn wasn't really her sister. Monks had created her. She was some magical thing. Something nobody else could understand, forced into a human form that mimicked the DNA of Buffy and Joyce. Why was Buffy so frightened of her?

"Do I get to know what the deal is tonight?"

She should be closer to Dawn. Buffy's epiphany was tiny but substantial. Dawn was like her but ignorant of it. Buffy had a new resolve.

"I've been in an alternate dimension for the past five years."

Dawn raised her eyebrows, surprised but trying to cover. "Is that why you didn't do your share of the chores?"

Buffy grinned. She enjoyed Dawn's irreverence. "Time worked differently. It's...well," she sighed. The portal was such a bitch to explain. She wished she had a printed notecard or something she could hand out when people asked. She did the best she could.

"And Spike's still over there?" Dawn asked when Buffy finished her exposition.

"Spike's still over there."

"Oh." Dawn took a place beside Buffy and laid her elbows along the porch railing. "That's the big secret?"

Buffy shook her head. She braced herself for the conversation to come. She didn't look forward to it.

No, she did look forward to it. But she hated herself for it.

"I did some bad things over there."

"Did you kill a man?" Dawn asked without pause.

"Dawn! Of course not!"

Dawn shrugged. "Well, it can't be that bad." She frowned and shifted her feet in indecision. "I shoplifted some lipstick from Claire's once."

"What?" Non-sequitur? Buffy feared that she'd lost the conversation.

"So I've done bad stuff too."

Buffy couldn't help but smile at her sister. So young. She sighed. "I did drugs, Dawnie." She looked sideways at Dawn. "Cocaine. It's a hard thing to shake."

Dawn's eyes went wide. "Oh," she said. "But...why would you - "

"There were other things going on," Buffy said, hoping to put off that part of the discussion. Now wasn't the time.

An unknown. The Key. Buffy didn't know its origin, its appeal to Glory, its function. It was a mystery. Her sister was a mystery. Buffy could dive in, lose herself, connect herself to the Key in a way she couldn't with any of the humans inside her house right now.

And Spike. Buffy hadn't forgotten him. She and him, side by side, facing down Glory with the Key in their protection. It wasn't who she used to be, but she was new. She was different. The monks had created Dawn as an innocent, and Buffy had emerged from the portal as the exact opposite. Buffy needed Dawn. For balance. For purpose.

"Dawn," Buffy threw the cigarette away and took her sister's hands.. "I have to tell you some stuff. About things I did. And then I want to tell you some stuff...about you. Now's not the time, but after. After the mission tonight, you and me - and mom - we're all gonna talk, okay?"

Dawn looked surprised. Relieved, curious, and scared all at the same time. "Okay," she said quietly. She tensed before taking her hands away. "Should we go back to the movie?"

Buffy was about to agree when Xander poked his head out of the front door.

"Buff! Demon sighting in the cemetery. We're suiting up."

Buffy nodded and gave an apologetic smile to her sister. "Later," she promised.

tbc...