Disclaimer: All the characters and dialogue I borrow belong to Joss Whedon, to whom I am grateful! Thanks for sharing, Mr. Whedon.
 
Thanks to Sanity Fair for her tireless beta work. Hope all my readers have enjoyed!
 
*****************
Chapter 18
*****************
 
Spike walked as fast as his battered body would allow, going straight from Buffy’s house to the butcher’s, where he downed two pints of blood in rapid succession. The infusion went to work, easing some of the minor aches almost immediately although he knew it would be a few days before his face and ribs knit themselves back together. Standing outside the butcher shop he thought about the Slayer and her state of mind. He headed toward the rougher side of town, finally catching a whiff of her scent. He followed it to a place he knew and dreaded – the tower where she had fought with Glory. A shiver went down his spine as he approached. This place was cursed, covered by an intangible evil pall. He could understand why no one had torn it down; it was the sort of place one instinctively avoided. But her scent grew stronger as he approached, and he followed it up the rickety tower to the top. There, out on the edge of the platform stood the Slayer, looking down.
 
“Slayer.” He stepped lightly onto the platform, which creaked ominously under his weight. “What are you doing here?”
 
She turned to face him. “It all came back, Spike. Everything. I remember it all.” Her voice was hollow and distant, and her eyes seemed to be miles away.
 
“And?”
 
“And I can’t… I can’t face this. I nearly killed them and you.” She stared into the abyss again.
 
“I’m still here, love,” he said, approaching slowly. “I still love you.”
 
“I know,” she whispered. “But they won’t let me be. They’re going to keep fixing and pushing me, and I can’t… I can’t live knowing that they’re going to keep messing with my mind.”
 
“No, they won’t.” Spike moved even closer, despite the swaying of the haphazardly built structure. “I won’t let them.”
 
“Why did they bring me back?” Her voice was plaintive, filled with pain. “I was so happy there.”
 
“I know, love. Never wanted to pull you back to suffer. But I don’t want to lose you again either. And I will fight the Scoobies until my head explodes if that’s what it takes to keep you here and help you get back to the land of the living again.”
 
Spike’s statement struck Buffy, and she turned once more to face him. “You fought me,” Buffy said, staring him down. “And the chip didn’t fire.”
 
Spike stopped. “You’re right. I didn’t notice that until just now.”
 
“What does that mean?”
 
“I don’t know,” Spike admitted. “It did fire when I grabbed Harris after you left.”
 
“Am I… wrong somehow? Damaged? Is that why this hurts so much? Why I couldn’t remember anything?” Buffy’s eyes welled with unshed tears.
 
“Listen to me,” Spike said, putting a little force into his voice. “You’re still Buffy. You’re still the Slayer. You’ve had a miserable experience, but you’re still you in all the ways that matter.”
 
“How do I do this, Spike? How do I live again?” She turned back to the drop. “How do I let you live when I don’t know if you’re safe to be around? And if I kill you, how do I survive?”
 
Spike moved slowly toward her again. “Do you remember these last few days? Since you came back?”
 
“Yes.” She wrapped her arms around herself, looking at the drop, at her feet, at Spike.
 
“Were you ever in danger from me?” He caught her gaze and held it as he advanced a step at a time. “Did I ever hurt anyone?”
 
Buffy closed her eyes. He was so… tender. He kept the others away and cared for me. He could have done anything to me at all. “No. You took care of me,” she admitted.
 
“Like I said,” Spike continued, moving steadily closer. “I love you. I’d do anything for you. I was prepared to take care of you until the end of time. Still am.”
 
Buffy looked at the drop again. It would be so easy. One step, a sudden sharp shock, and she would be back at rest. Would I go to heaven this time? If it was suicide? What would happen to Dawn? She looked back at Spike, whose blue eyes bored into her, willing her to be strong. I wouldn’t have him there. She thought about these last nights, shaking in fear from nightmare after nightmare. The only thing that had kept her even remotely grounded in sanity had been the strong arms around her at every turn. Strong arms that belonged to the creature in front of her. And for some inexplicable reason, she didn’t want to let that go. With one last look into the abyss, she turned and walked unsteadily to meet him. They stared at each other for a long minute before she wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his shirt, weeping for the paradise she had lost.
 
Spike was about to heave a sigh of relief when the whole tower shuddered at her sudden movement. “Shit! Come on!” he cried. Grabbing her hand, he turned and ran for the stairs. Halfway down it was clear that the tower was not going to survive long enough for them to reach the ground, and they both jumped for a dangling chain, riding it down to the bottom as pieces of metal rained down around them. They picked themselves up at the bottom and sprinted away, narrowly avoiding being crushed by the falling tower. Outside the fence they stopped, gasping, looking back at the clouds of dust billowing in the wake of the tower’s collapse. They turned to each other and searched each other’s eyes for a moment before leaning in for a long, desperate kiss. When they finally came up for air, Buffy wound her arms around him and buried her face in his neck. “I love you Spike,” Buffy whispered. “I remember, and I still love you.” And nothing else mattered to the startled vampire for a very long time.
 
******************
 
They walked home slowly, arms around each other. Spike was sore and wincing with every step, and Buffy was deep in thought. Although Spike could have floated home when Buffy said those three little words to him, her subsequent silence worried him. Having second thoughts, I suppose. Knew that would happen. Probably won’t want to risk upsetting the Scoobies any further by rubbing another relationship with a vampire in their face. In a way he understood. Coming back to life was painful and wrenching, and the pile of things stacked up to be dealt with would be daunting to anyone. She’ll be the good girl she always is and let me down easy, I suppose. His heart ached, wanting to ask her what she was thinking about but not really wanting to know the answer.
 
Buffy’s thoughts were on a completely different track than the one imagined by the vampire. I clearly can’t have Willow and Xander in my life anymore. Tara’s okay. Not sure about Anya. Not entirely sure about Giles either. But how do I do this Slayer thing without them? Everyone always said that my friends were why I survived so long. Can I really do this with just Spike? He won’t leave me, but he can’t do everything. How am I going to manage all this and Dawn and the house and the bills? I can’t dump all this on Spike. It’s not fair. But how? She had no answers, just a growing knot of dread in her stomach as she approached her house.
 
When they got to the front porch, Spike couldn’t stand it anymore. “Buffy,” he said, stopping short of the door.
 
“Hmm?” she said, shaking herself out of her reverie and turning to look at him.
 
“If… if this is…” He felt as tongue tied as a schoolboy and cursed himself for it. Taking a deep breath he said, “If you’re having second thoughts about me, I’d… I’d rather know sooner than later.”
 
Buffy looked at him like he had asked her for a lobster. “What? What are you talking about?”
 
“It’s just… I know you’ve got a lot to deal with, and I know the Scoobies are going to give you a hard time about me being around, and I…”
 
Buffy’s sharp laugh stopped him short. “The Scoobies? I don’t care what Willow and Xander have to say. I was actually trying to figure out how all this was going to work since I clearly can’t rely on them anymore.”
 
Spike’s jaw dropped open. “You… you really meant it?”
 
Buffy stepped up and kissed him gently. “I love you, Spike. I’m worried sick about how I’m going to cope with everything, and I’m furious with the others, and I’m scared that the nightmares will never stop. I’m worried that I’m going to dump too much on you, and you’re going to get fed up and leave. But I know this much: I love you, and I am so, so glad you’re here.”
 
“Oh God,” he breathed. He pulled her to him, fighting back tears of relief as he kissed her long and deep. When they came up for air he pushed a tendril of hair behind her ear and said. “I’m yours, Buffy. Dump anything you want on me. I can take it.”
 
“Thank you,” she said. Straightening up she added, “I suppose we should go inside and see what the damage is.”
 
“Suppose so,” he agreed. With matching deep breaths, they squared their shoulders and opened the door.
 
Dawn was huddled on the couch, ignoring some old movie while Giles was talking on the phone. When the door opened, Dawn looked up fearfully then got up, coming up to Buffy uncertainly. “Buffy? Are you..?”
 
“I’m… I’m back, Dawn. I remember.” At that Dawn leaped into her sister’s arms, laughing and crying with relief. “Shh, Dawnie,” Buffy soothed. “I’m here, and I’m staying. I promise you.” The two sisters hugged each other like they would never let go, and Spike couldn’t help but smile. He tried to edge his way past to go collapse on the sofa, but Dawn saw him and released Buffy long enough to give Spike a hug that ground his sore ribs together. “Thank you, Spike.”
 
“You’re welcome, Nibblet,” Spike said, trying not to grimace.
 
“Oh! Sorry. Bruised?” Dawn said as she realized that he was wincing.
 
“Just a little. Nothing to fret over.” His slow movement to the sofa belied his words, leaving Dawn to look a little guilty.
 
At that moment Giles entered. “Buffy? Are you really yourself again?” he asked as if he hardly dared to hope.
 
“Giles.” Buffy hugged her watcher as well, and he had to struggle to keep his stiff upper lip as waves of gratitude for her return washed over him.
 
Buffy let go, feeling a little shaky and overwhelmed. “Can we go just sit down for a while?”
 
“Of course, I’m sorry,” Giles said, fumbling over his words in his emotional state.
 
“What was the update from the hospital?” Dawn asked as they sat down.
 
“Hospital?” Buffy asked from her seat next to Spike.
 
“I just spoke to Tara. Willow is still unconscious. She has a fractured skull.”
 
Dawn’s mouth dropped open but Buffy just sat there, still and impassive. “Is she… going to be alright?” she asked finally.
 
“They’re not sure. She’s stable right now although she hasn’t shown any signs of waking up”
 
Buffy absorbed this for a moment. “Anyone else get hurt?”
 
“Xander was a little bruised but nothing broken,” Giles replied. He looked at her a moment and said, “Buffy? Are you alright?”
 
“I don’t… I don’t know,” she said finally. She wrung her hands together nervously before asking, “What happened to me? What did she do?”
 
“As far as I can tell, she tried to bring out your Slayer nature in the hopes of getting your memory back. Since the Slayer is such a big part of who you are, she thought that bringing that to the surface would trigger the rest.” Giles was concerned at Buffy’s strangely quiet behavior. Is she somehow relapsing?
 
“I guess it worked,” Buffy muttered. She noticed Giles’ concerned look and said, “I’m supposed to feel bad. I hurt my friends. But I’m having trouble feeling anything but justified.”
 
Giles looked a little shocked at her bald statement. “I know Willow has done you a number of wrongs, but that doesn’t mean…”
 
“She hurt me, Giles,” Buffy said in a flat voice. “She pulled me out of heaven. Do you understand what that means? What it feels like?”
 
“I don’t pretend to know what that could possibly be like…” Giles began.
 
Buffy cut him off. “I was completely lost, and instead of leaving me alone or listening to you, or Spike, or Dawn she just insisted on hexing me again and again!” Her voice softened as she went on. “I don’t want her to die. But I don’t want her in my life right now either. And I’m not sure I need Xander poking his nose into my business any more either.”
 
Now it was Dawn’s turn to look a little nervous. “But Buffy… they’ve been part of the team for so long. I mean okay, be mad at them. But not forever!”
 
Buffy suddenly felt tired. “I don’t want to argue right now. Maybe someday we’ll work it out. But right now, I’ve got a mountain of… life to climb. I’m not going to spend my time worrying about hurting their feelings.”
 
“It’s alright, pet,” Spike said, putting his arm around her. “They’ll survive until you’re ready to deal with them.”
 
Giles frowned a bit at the vampire’s continued closeness. Buffy noticed and narrowed her eyes. She stood up and faced Giles, squaring her shoulders and setting her jaw. “Listen to me, Giles.” Pointing to the vampire she said, “Spike is staying in my life. In my house if he so chooses. He’s done nothing but help me, and I need him now more than ever. What’s more, I love him. So either deal with that fact, or get the hell out, right now. I am not arguing about this with anyone. Got it?” Giles’ eyes bulged, and his face got red as he tried to get a word out but Buffy cut him off. “Got it?” she repeated, with all the Slayer menace she could muster.
 
“I… can see this is not a subject to discuss at this time,” Giles managed. A cold drop of sweat ran down the back of his neck. Facing a determined Slayer was still a rather daunting prospect, even after all these years and all his training.
 
“Good.” Buffy turned to her sister. “Dawn, do you have any issues with Spike staying here if he wants to?”
 
“Duh, of course not!” Dawn squealed. “That would be awesome!” She hugged Spike and Buffy each again, with Giles looking on in defeat.
 
******************
Epilogue
******************
 
“Has there been any change?”
 
“None.” Tara and Xander shared chairs at Willow’s bedside. For two weeks she had been in a coma, her head swathed in bandages. Her skull had been fractured by the force of the impact with the garden bench, and she had yet to show any signs of regaining consciousness. Xander’s bruises had faded to a nasty purplish yellow, but he had otherwise escaped unscathed. He and Tara had taken turns sitting with Willow. Buffy had come once, but had looked on her handiwork and retreated without a word. Tara was planning to move back to the dorms at the end of the month, although Buffy and Spike had both insisted that she could stay as long as she needed. Giles had retrieved his old apartment, putting a little space between himself and the Slayer, which had improved the tense situation between him and Spike somewhat. Spike had more or less moved into Buffy’s room, and no one was certain about the nature of their relationship. Xander found himself outside of the loop, and it hurt in a way he wasn’t used to.
 
Xander now looked sadly at his best friend, lying there helpless. “We really screwed up this time, didn’t we?” The conversation was one they had repeated in many different configurations but seemed to be the only one they could have as they watched Willow’s pale unconscious form.
 
“Yeah. I should have tried harder to stop her. We all should have. But in the end, Willow cast the spells. She’s the one who has to pay the consequences.” Tara’s voice was low and sad, her heart aching for her former lover.
 
While they sat there, caught up in their thoughts, the figure on the bed stirred. Tara was the first to notice the movement, and she grabbed Xander’s arm. “Look.” Willow’s head moved back and forth slightly until finally her eyes fluttered open.
 
“Where..?” Willow whispered.
 
“You’re in the hospital, Willow,” Xander said, taking her hand. “You had a really bad run in with a bench.”
 
Willow wrinkled her brow in confusion. “Do I… know you?”
 
“I’m Xander. This is Tara. Don’t you remember?”
 
Willow shook her head helplessly. “I can’t remember…” My name? What’s my name? Who are these people? Why don’t I remember? She closed her eyes again as a cold fear gripped her heart.
 
*****************
 
Spike woke up, yawned, then sat up suddenly realizing Buffy wasn’t next to him. For two weeks now they had been sleeping together, with him soothing her during the nightmares that still happened every night. Their relationship had not progressed beyond kissing and holding each other, but Spike was so overwhelmed at the idea of being in her bed at all, he scarcely noticed. This was the first morning she hadn’t been next to him when he woke, and he rose to seek her out. It was Saturday, and Dawn was still in bed, having indulged in a late night movie fest the night before. Spike padded down the stairs in a pair of gray sweat pants - his compromise between sleeping naked, as he preferred and living in his jeans. He found the Slayer sitting at the dining table, surrounded by a mountain of papers, with her head in her hands.”Buffy? You alright love?”
 
“No,” she said quietly. She sat up, and it was clear that she had been crying. “I don’t know what to do about all this.” She waved her hands at the pile of bills.
 
“What are our assets?” he asked, sitting down at her side. He started looking at the bills. The mortgage was due, the electric bill, the water bill – all of them had bold numbers at the bottom that demanded attention.
 
“About two thousand dollars left in the bank. Mom’s car. That’s about it.” Buffy buried her face in her hands again. This is hopeless. Why did Willow drag me back for this?
 
“Not much then,” Spike said. He mentally added up the current bills and came up short. “Guess the medical bills ate up a lot.”
 
“Yeah.” Buffy rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands. “It all just… hit me. I guess I’m going to have to find a job or something.”
 
Spike gathered her into his arms. “I can help out too you know.”
 
“How? No offense, but not sure your poker skills are going to support the three of us. Especially since kittens aren’t legal tender.”
 
Spike smirked. “They’re always looking for bartenders at the Bronze. I don’t mind working nights.”
 
Buffy looked up at him. “You’d do that? For me?”
 
Spike shrugged. “Why not? I’m nocturnal. I like booze. How hard could it be?”
 
Buffy half smiled at that. “Do you know how to make a mojito?”
 
“A what?”
 
“See, you can’t just pour whiskey or beer at the Bronze. You need to know all the girly drinks.” Buffy sighed. “Maybe the Doublemeat Palace is hiring.”
 
“That place is beneath you, Slayer,” Spike insisted. “How about the Council of Wankers? Can’t they do something for you?”
 
“The Council…?” Buffy sat up. “I’ve honestly never thought of that. They’re rolling in money. They should be able to spare some to keep me from having to live on the street.”
 
“You should ask Rupert to put you in touch with them,” Spike urged. “In the meantime, I do have some money stashed away myself. Might take a little doing to get a hold of it, but it’ll help tide you over for a few months I should think.”
 
“Thanks. Again. Do you ever get tired of saving me every day and night?”
 
Spike took her hands and his face grew serious. “Buffy, while you were gone I dreamed about you every night. Every night I was faster, more clever, somehow got to Glory in time, or got to Dawn in time, and you didn’t have to jump. Every night I saved you.” His voice trailed off as the memory of those long nights shuddered through him.
 
Buffy’s heart melted at his words, at his deep blue eyes so intent. “You’ve always known how I feel. Even before I do. How do you do that?”
 
“I think it’s because you and me are a lot alike. You’re no typical Slayer. I’m sure as hell no typical vampire. We both have our own ways of doing things. Both care deeply about some things and don’t give a flying fuck about others. We’re both killers, hunters, and we’re both making the best of situations that neither of us asked for.”
 
“Never thought of it that way,” Buffy admitted. “You really seem to like being a vampire. Never occurred to me that this was something forced on you.”
 
“Compared to my completely pathetic human existence, being a vampire was a welcome change. But yeah, not something I went out and solicited.”
 
Buffy looked down at her hands for a moment. “I never asked to be chosen, or to die, or to come back. Really pisses me off sometimes.”
 
“Sometimes, I’d like to be able to see some of those California girls in their bikinis on the beach. We all have our crosses to bear.” Buffy smiled at that and leaned in for a kiss. Their kiss was interrupted after a few minutes by the phone ringing.
 
“I guess I’ll get that,” Buffy said. She went into the kitchen and answered the phone. After a brief conversation she hung up and came back to the dining room, where Spike was sorting through the bills. “That was Tara. Willow is awake.”
 
“Oh?” Spike wasn’t sure how Buffy felt about that. “You okay?”
 
“Yeah. Ironically, she seems to be suffering from amnesia. She can’t remember who she is or what happened.”
 
“Shoe’s on the other foot then?”
 
“Seems to be.” Buffy said nothing for a minute or two. “I don’t… I don’t want that for her. It’s horrible, not knowing who you are. Even though she deserves it, I still can’t wish that on her.”
 
Spike marveled at this girl. “You’re amazing, love. Don’t think I could have that sort of attitude in your place.”
 
“I guess you’re no angel, then,” Buffy said, looking up at him with a sideways smile.
 
“Neither of us is, pet. Is that alright?”
 
“Just fine,” Buffy replied. They kissed again, then got up and got back to the business of living.
 
The End.