Disclaimer: All the characters belong to Joss Whedon. All the beta work done by the lovely Sanity Fair – Happy Birthday Sanity!
 
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Chapter 22 The Long Goodbye
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Riley and the others marveled at the changes in Buffy over the next few days. She had gone from hiding in her room to being outgoing to a fault. She spent half a day at the beach, went to lunch with Xander, and chatted with Anya at length, listening to all Anya’s reasons for and against various baby names. In between she watched movies, painted her nails, and generally seemed to be on a quest to enjoy things thoroughly. Riley was puzzled but relieved that she was coming out of her hermit-like existence somewhat. Tara was the only one who noticed the sad faraway look that came into her eyes from time to time. She and Willow had been at Buffy’s house for a movie night the night after they went to the Bronze, something they hadn’t done in ages. They had laughed their way through a romantic comedy while they gave themselves manicures and gorged on popcorn. But Tara had a sense that some of Buffy’s laughter was forced, and when Willow proposed a trip to the movies for a week hence Buffy had answered, “We’ll have to see. I might be busy.” That queer look had come into her eyes at that point, and Tara found herself wondering exactly what it meant.
 
Friday arrived and everyone gathered for the baby shower. The training room in the Magic Box had been transformed for the party, and a number of Anya’s vengeance demon colleagues were there as well as the Scoobies and some of Xander’s work friends’ wives. The wives were a little confused by gifts such as “crystals to ward off the evil eye” and “protection charm bracelets” for Anya to wear during childbirth, but most of the gifts were practical and greeted with gushing from Anya. Xander looked a bit frightened at all the baby gear. “How come they need all this stuff? They eat and poop, right?”
 
“Xander,” Anya said as if he were completely stupid. “They’re not just slugs you know. They need to have their brains enriched, and they need to be clothed and bathed and all that stuff takes gear to do it properly! Haven’t you read any of the books I gave you?”
 
“I… I skimmed one or two,” Xander admitted nervously.
 
Anya rolled her eyes to the heavens. “You’d better start studying. I’m going to have to give you a test before this baby comes.” Xander gulped – she clearly meant it. Anya turned to the next present, from Buffy and Riley. She pulled out the little clothes, which the girls squealed over, but everyone laughed when Anya pulled out the Count.
 
“Only you would give us a vampire,” Xander laughed. The work friends looked at each other, aware they were missing some inside joke.
 
Buffy smiled. “I guess they’ll have to learn that some vampires are cuddly.”
 
“Cuddly isn’t exactly a word I’d apply to vampires,” Giles said with an indulgent smile.
 
“I guess you just haven’t met the right vampire,” Buffy replied.
 
“Is there any such thing as a ‘right vampire?’” Xander laughed.
 
Buffy’s eyes looked into some unseen distance for a second. “There’s more variation among them than you’d think,” she said cryptically. Then, realizing that people were looking at her strangely she said, “I mean, look at Tom Cruise versus Bela Lugosi. Which of those vampires would you rather have at your throat?”
 
“Tom Cruise, all the way,” laughed one of Xander’s friends. The strange mood was broken and the gift opening proceeded, but both Giles and Tara glanced at Buffy searchingly from time to time, wondering if there was some hidden meaning behind her words.
 
Saturday morning Riley woke up at nine and meandered out in search of coffee. He noticed the attic stairs were pulled down, and he went up them curiously. “Buffy? What are you doing up so early?”
 
Buffy started at the sound of his voice. She had a very old looking bag next to her, and was rifling through an equally old trunk in a far corner. “Oh, hey. I was curious about some of the old things my mom had packed away up here.”
 
“What’s in that trunk, anyhow? It’s been kicking around here since I got here, but I’ve never seen you open it.”
 
She showed him a knife next to her. “Mom lost the keys ages ago. I forced the lock. It was my great-grandmother’s trunk. I was up here looking for other things and decided to finally open it.”
 
Riley came over and sat down next to her. “What did you find?”
 
“Old letters. Some jewelry. Nothing earthshattering.” In truth Buffy had found a string of pearls, a gold man’s wedding ring, and a couple of beautiful cameo pins. The few bits of clothing were too old to handle much, but there was also a lovely old-fashioned tortoiseshell comb and brush set as well as some hair combs. She had also found the old carpetbag at her side. It had occurred to her that if this trip to the past happened, it might be good to be prepared, and a Nike duffle bag was going to look decidedly odd for walking around London. Her great-grandmother’s accessories would probably come in handy as well.
 
“How are you doing?” Riley asked gently. “You seem more, I don’t know, outgoing since we got back from L.A.”
 
“I’m good,” Buffy said. “I’m adjusting to the world as it is.”
 
Riley looked at her and ran a hand down her arm. “Do you think… do you think you can give me a chance to be your husband again?”
 
Buffy reached out and took her hand in his. “You’ve been really great through all of this. Just give me a little more time. It’s hard. It’s really hard. But I just need a little more time to get my bearings. Please.”
 
Riley deflated a little with disappointment. “I understand.” He dropped his hand and got up. “I’ll be downstairs making coffee if you need me.”
 
“I’ll be down in a minute.” She truly felt sorry for the guy sometimes, and she knew she was misleading him. Three more days. Then I’ll be gone, one way or another. She put the things she wanted into the carpetbag and closed up the trunk, bringing the bag down and stashing it in her room. When she joined Riley in the kitchen he was munching his way morosely through a bowl of cereal. She grabbed her own bowl and joined him at the table. “I was thinking it would be nice to have Giles and Jenny over tonight,” she said after a few minutes.
 
“Sure. Anything else on the docket for today?”
 
“Well, I suppose I should plan a meal and shop for food and all that. And probably straighten up around here a bit. You have any plans?”
 
“I think I’ll go for a run this morning, maybe do the lawn.”
 
“Sounds good.” Buffy continued eating, wondering if it was always this dull. Maybe the conversations were better when I actually wanted to be his wife. She studied him surreptitiously trying to remember what it was like the first time she dated him. But even then he was very solid and very dependable and very plain vanilla. No unorthodox thoughts unless they were forced down his throat. Romantic but in a very run of the mill, almost scripted way. Why did I ever date him? She had no good answer. He wasn’t an evil person, but he didn’t inflame the soul either. Maybe in this world I was so messed up and passive that we were perfect for each other. That was certainly possible, but she would never know exactly.
 
After she finished she called Giles. “Hi Jenny,” she said as soon as Jenny answered. “Are you and Giles free tonight? We’d like to have you over for dinner.”
 
“As far as I know we’re free. Thanks so much for having us! What time?”
 
“How about… six thirty?”
 
“That will be fine,” Jenny agreed. “Can I bring dessert?”
 
“Thanks! That would be great. See you then.” Buffy hung up and started looking through cookbooks for ideas. She heard the front door slam and saw Riley run by outside. With a sigh she realized the next couple of days were going to be very long.
 
The day was spent in little domestic chores. Buffy was never going to be crazy about housekeeping, but she felt very nostalgic as she cleaned and dusted. She had never hoped to see this familiar place again after Sunnydale collapsed into the Hellmouth. She took her time, running her hands lovingly over her mother’s artwork, some the same as before, some different, but all with Joyce’s personality stamped on it. She found a small photo of herself with her mom and sister. Making a small slit in the lining of the carpetbag she hid the photo in the bottom, where casual Victorian eyes wouldn’t see it and wonder. She gathered up every bit of her mom’s old gold jewelry, as well as a couple of pairs of diamond studs, and put those in the bag as well, figuring she could sell them for ready cash if needed. In her room she took her time, looking over all her favorite clothes wistfully, smiling at Mr. Gordo, wishing she could take him with. She finally finished tidying at about the same time Riley came in from doing lawn work.
 
“Take your shoes off! I just vacuumed!” she called as he came in the kitchen door.
 
“Yes, ma’am,” he replied. He came upstairs sweaty and scruffy looking. “Permission to shower, ma’am?” he asked with a salute.
 
“Granted. Just clean up after yourself.” She smiled and went downstairs. Grabbing a glass of water she headed out to the back porch to rest for a moment. She let her thoughts run for long minutes as she remembered. So many things had happened on this porch: conversations and quiet moments stolen from the throngs of potentials, meltdowns and heart to heart talks with Dawn. Her fingers ran lovingly over the wood of the steps, trying to imprint it on her mind. A small tear escaped her eye and she wiped it away quickly, taking a deep breath to force back the sadness.
 
Riley had come down the stairs and was watching her through the window, noticing her wiping away the tears. With his hair still damp from his shower he came out and joined her. After a moment of sitting with her in silence he said, “Why are you crying?”
 
“I’m not crying,” she denied, a little too strongly.
 
“I saw you. What’s wrong?”
 
“It’s… I can’t explain,” she said. “It’s okay though.”
 
“You’ve seemed sad off and on since we got back from L.A.”
 
“Really, it’s nothing I can explain,” she insisted. She wanted nothing more than to scream the truth at the top of her lungs, but she also knew that nothing good would come of that.
 
Riley hesitated a minute before saying, “Do you think it was such a good idea, going off your meds like that? You’ve been crying a lot these last few weeks. The last couple of days you seem to keep drifting off in the middle of conversations. I really think you need to see your doctor or something.”
 
Buffy sighed and shook her head. “Look, if I make an appointment for Monday or Tuesday, will you back off? I’ll call him right now and leave a message, okay?”
 
“Really? You will?” Riley seemed surprised at her acquiescence.
 
“I promise. Where’s the number?” She got up to make good on her promise. He followed her into the kitchen and handed her a business card from the fridge. She called and happened to get the answering service. They promised to get her message through as soon as possible. She hung up and turned back to Riley. “Okay? Happy?”
 
“Relieved. Thank you. I really think that a check in with the doctor will help a lot.” After a slightly awkward pause he said, “Do you need help with dinner?”
 
Buffy accepted his help and put him on peeling potatoes. She was going to roast a whole chicken, with stuffing and various vegetables. As the pots started accumulating on the stove she had flashbacks to that Thanksgiving at Giles’ house. She had to suppress a giggle at one point as she remembered Spike ranting about being the conquerors, and sitting there stuck full of arrows like a pincushion. This time the meal was cooked without intervening angry spirits or ex-boyfriends, and by the time Jenny and Giles arrived she was setting the table with her mother’s good china while the chicken finished in the oven.
 
“I’ll get it,” Riley said as the bell rang. He opened the door to Jenny and Giles, relieving Jenny of a cheesecake on the way.
 
“Anything I can do to help?” Jenny asked, her brown eyes looking appreciatively over the beautiful table.
 
“Can you mash the potatoes while I get a few odds and ends finished?” Buffy replied. In the kitchen she reached into the fridge and got a bottle of chardonnay. Handing it and the corkscrew to Riley, and glasses to Giles, she ordered, “Menfolk, go cause the table to have wine. Thanks.”
 
“Right,” said Giles. “Mr. Finn, I believe we have our orders.” They left the kitchen while the ladies bustled about, mashing potatoes and putting things in serving dishes. Jenny started carrying some things out to the kitchen until at last Buffy came bearing the chicken.
 
“All right everyone, time to eat,” she said as she walked into the dining room. Giles and Riley jumped apart a little bit, and Buffy narrowed her eyes. Now what are they plotting? Determined to keep the evening sociable, she forced a smile and pretended not to notice their little tête-á-tête.
 
“This is marvelous,” Giles said. “You have truly outdone yourself.”
 
“Thanks, Giles.” They passed around various plates and dug in.
 
“How are things at the high school, Jenny?” Buffy asked conversationally.
 
“The usual crop of kids. Some too smart for their own good, but generally a decent bunch.” She went on to tell a few stories about some pranks that a group of students had played, culminating in filling all the sinks with huge amounts of soap. “They turned on the faucets and left them. There were suds coming out from under the door everywhere. I thought the principal was going to have a coronary.”
 
Buffy laughed with the others, but her smile was wistful. I’m glad they got to be together in this world. Giles deserves someone like Jenny. “Do you guys ever plan to have kids?” she asked out of the blue.
 
Giles and Jenny looked at each other. “We feel like we’re too old,” Giles said sheepishly.
 
“What? Of course not! People have kids in their fifties now,” Buffy said.
 
“Well, we’ll just have to spoil your kids and Xander’s kids instead,” Jenny replied. Buffy and Riley both looked uncomfortable, and Jenny quickly tried to recover. “I mean, if you guys ever have any. I know right now it’s tough.”
 
Changing the subject, Riley said, “Have there been any more research breakthroughs? Any ideas on how to get Buffy’s memories back?”
 
“Really? Do we have to talk about that now?” Buffy desperately wanted to just hear Giles and Jenny talk, and enjoy their company for the last time. The last thing she wanted to hear was another round of ‘how to fix Buffy’ talk.
 
“I agree, we can wait until later to discuss that,” Giles said firmly, with a warning glance at Riley. He changed the subject to some new ideas he had for the Magic Box while Anya was on maternity leave. The meal carried on with everyone talking about various light topics, studiously avoiding the elephant in the room. After the meal was cleared and the cheesecake eaten and praised, they rose from the table. “Buffy, may I speak to you in private for a moment?”
 
“Sure, I guess,” Buffy replied reluctantly. Jenny and Riley retired to the kitchen to deal with the dishes while Buffy followed Giles into the living room. “What’s up?”
 
“You have been rather, well, depressed for lack of a better word.”
 
Buffy rolled her eyes. “I spent two weeks by myself, and I got an intervention. I spent the last few days trying to be more social, and I’m not happy enough or something. What do you want?”
 
“What we want is for you to be honest with us,” Giles said firmly. “Riley is very concerned, and thinks you are slipping backward into your dark moods again.”
 
“Look, I told Riley I would go see my doctor early next week. I called and left a message even. Can you please just trust me when I say that I’m good for now?”
 
Giles looked at her closely then took off his glasses and polished them. As he did he said, “I do wonder at your reluctance to put sustained effort into solving this problem. You seem to regard even the discussion of a solution as anathema, and I would like to understand why.”
 
Buffy stood with her arms folded, looking out the window into the darkness, her usual habitat. She spoke in a rather far-off voice that Giles barely recognized. “In the last few weeks I’ve discovered a few things. I’ve discovered that I used to be very dependent. I was coddled and protected. Loved, yeah, I get that. I know you all love me. But you all need me to be needy.”
 
“That’s not—” Giles sputtered.
 
“I understand why, you know,” Buffy said, as if she hadn’t heard him. “When you’ve nearly lost someone, you think you would never survive losing them.” She had had that feeling herself with Dawn. She had wanted to shelter her, protect her, hide her from the world, and in the end she had realized the futility of such a mindset. “I don’t know all the details of what’s happened since I lost Dawn, but I’m guessing that you probably haven’t let me go after anything big on my own. You can’t stand the thought of losing me, so you keep me close, and keep me safe.” Giles said nothing, listening slightly open mouthed. “The thing is I feel strong right now. Very strong. I’m afraid that if I go back to being weak and dependent that I’m going to die.”
 
“Aren’t you being a little dramatic?” Giles protested. “You have always been a strong and effective Slayer. Your skills were never diminished even when you were in the depths of your depression.”
 
Buffy turned to face him, her eyes full of painful knowledge that Giles had never noticed before. “I’ll be dead here,” she said with emphasis, putting her hand on her chest. “Oh I’ll be walking around, and slaying, and pretending to be alright. I’ll be going through the motions to keep from hurting anyone’s feelings. Who knows, maybe I was doing that before I lost my memories. But eventually I’m going to just stop caring. And that’s the day some vampire is going to have his one good day.”
 
Giles’s mouth kept hanging open as he took in all she was saying. She sounded so old, like she had seen much more than he realized somehow. “Buffy, what has happened to you?”
 
“Maybe I’ve grown up. I’m not your student anymore. I’ve graduated, and now I need to move on.”
 
“Move on? Whatever do you mean?”
 
“I mean that I have to make my own calls from now on. That includes what treatments, medical or magical, that I choose to pursue for my condition, if I choose to pursue them.” She spoke with quiet steel in her voice, clearly brooking no arguments.
 
Giles was still unsure. “You are not a qualified doctor. You cannot know if your anxiety and depression are cured, or if you are risking a worse breakdown later.”
 
“And I am going to see the doctor on Monday, to make Riley and you and everyone else happy, okay?” She walked over, knelt down, and took Giles’s hand. “You’ve been like a father to me, and I am grateful for that. Always remember that.” She leaned over and kissed his cheek, before getting up to go help in the kitchen, leaving him blinking in shock behind her.
 
The next day was Sunday, her last day before returning to L.A. to face the Oracles. She woke up early, before Riley, left a note saying she would be back later, and went out. She went to the Espresso Pump and ordered a cappuccino and a maple walnut scone, taking her time and savoring the sweet taste. Next she walked to a local florist and bought two bouquets of pink roses. Fifteen minutes later she was in the cemetery, standing over her mother and sister’s graves. She swept a few pine needles off the headstones then knelt down to tend the little plot. She pulled up a few stray dandelions, and swept away leaves and sticks, leaving the grass pure and manicured. With moist eyes she arranged one bouquet before each headstone, then stood back. I miss you both so much. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you this time Dawnie. Please forgive me. Please. She stood there for a long time, imprinting the image on her mind, vowing never to forget.
 
She went on a long, meandering walk through town, visiting various spots that held some nostalgia for her. That had been the worst thing about the battle with the First Evil. She had been so busy surviving and protecting the potentials that by the time she caught her breath it was all gone. Now she could walk behind the Magic Box, where she had told Spike about heaven. There was the street corner where the Trio had made her invisible. I wonder where they are now? There was the high school, and the campus of UC Sunnydale. She quietly said goodbye to her town, which despite its Hellmouth had been more like home than anyplace else she had ever lived.
 
After wandering and taking it all in for hours she found that it was lunchtime. Throwing caution for her figure to the wind she went to McDonalds and savored what would probably be the last Big Mac of her life. She walked home slowly afterwards, not wanting to let go of the warm California sun and the clear sky above her.
 
“Where have you been?” Riley asked as she entered the kitchen door. “I was getting…”
 
Buffy rolled her eyes. “Worried, I know. I did leave a note, didn’t I?”
 
“Um, yeah,” Riley said sheepishly, aware that he was hovering again. “The doctor’s office called – they can take you at ten tomorrow morning.”
 
“Can I drive you to work and use the car tomorrow?” Buffy asked. “I wanted to go get my hair done before the doctor, and I don’t want to have to worry about walking across town in time.” Okay, I’m hoping to go to London to get my hair done, but you don’t need to know that.
 
“I could probably take a vacation day if you want me to drive you,” Riley offered.
 
She folded her arms and gave him a piercing look. “Riley. Hovering again. I can drive across town. I promise your car will be unscathed.”
 
Again Riley looked a bit ashamed, to his credit. “Sorry. I know that bothers you. I’ll try to rein that in.”
 
“Thanks.”
 
“Do you have any plans for the rest of the day?” Riley asked.
 
“Right now, I plan to take a long bubble bath, then do a little research,” Buffy responded.
 
“I’ve got some work to do for a few hours, so I’ll be in the office.” They parted and Buffy went upstairs. She chose the softest towels in her possession and made sure all the necessary ingredients were in place. Soon lavender scented the air and she was luxuriating in a cloud of bubbles. She closed her eyes and soaked, running over the details of her plan. Get to L.A., get any remaining supplies, go to the Oracles. Need to remember the sacred dust. The preparations were by and large set. The only variable was the Oracles. Would they do as she asked? Or would they turn her down? It all hinged on the whims of two highly powerful supernatural beings, and that chilled her to the bone, despite the steaming water.
 
Eventually the bath cooled and she got out, dried off, and went to get dressed. She looked through the pile of books and notes she had accumulated in the previous weeks, trying to remind herself of important details. The notebook she had filled with remembrances of Spike and their previous life was carefully stashed in the bottom of the carpetbag, which was getting rather full of various odds and ends. She unpacked it, assessed the contents for the tenth time, and repacked it. In truth, she was quite nervous about the prospect of having to find Spike, or William in Victorian London. She felt like someone with four years of high school French about to embark on a solo trip to Paris, hoping and praying that what she knew would be enough to allow her to navigate this foreign land.
 
She organized the remainder of the materials neatly on the desk in the spare room and generally tidied up. The attic was her next destination, and she spent the rest of the afternoon up there looking through memorabilia. She fingered her figure skating trophies, examined her parents’ wedding photo. Seems like dad wasn’t around in this world either, I guess. Everything was touched, catalogued, and put away again with tender care. It was these little things she had missed in Rome, the bits and pieces of her life and her family. Would she really be able to survive without all these touchstones? With no Willow or Xander to remind her of past times? Without her scythe, her stakes, her sister? Once again the cold finger of doubt touched her heart, but she firmly shoved the thought into a corner of her mind and locked it up tight. I am leaving tomorrow. One way or the other, I’m gone.
 
She finally came down around dinner-time to find Riley in the home office, still working. “I feel like a pizza tonight. Want anything in particular?” she asked.
 
“As long as there’s meat of some kind, I’m good. I’ll be down in a few minutes.”
 
She left him peering at his computer monitor and went to order the pizza. Pizza is going to be hard to live without. But then she thought about the fact that she would be in Europe so who knows, a trip to Italy might be in her future. She smiled at the thought of walking through Rome in the daytime with Spike. She could imagine taking in the sights and enjoying the whole European tour experience with Spike at her side. I would totally trade pizza and McDonalds for that. Hell, I would trade everything for that. It occurred to her that she was proposing to do exactly that, and she prayed it would all come to pass.
 
After dinner she went on a last patrol of Sunnydale, once more putting Riley off about joining her. She went through every cemetery slowly, cleaning out a couple of nests, dusting fledges, determined to leave as little work as possible for the others. She ended her patrol as she usually did, at Spike’s crypt. In a gesture reminiscent of another night where she needed him, she laid her hand on the cold stone door. I’m coming Spike. Wait for me.
 
Monday morning dawned sunny and warm. Buffy had hardly slept the night before, tossing and turning as she went over her plans and strategies. In addition to planning what to take with her, she thought through how she would find William Pratt, what she would say to him, and how she would explain herself. She came up with a dozen different ideas, but in the end she fell asleep assuming she was going to have to play it more or less by ear.
 
She got up and took a hot shower, enjoying the unlimited hot water and her favorite shampoo. She dressed in a long sleeve white blouse and a long blue skirt; fashionable enough not to raise Riley’s suspicions, but covered enough so that she wouldn’t be immediately arrested if she popped into existence in 1880. After checking her carpetbag again for the eighty-first time, she stashed it in the trunk of the car while Riley showered and then had breakfast. She was almost too jumpy to eat, but she forced herself to have some frozen waffles and coffee. Riley came down adjusting his tie as he entered the kitchen. “You look nice today,” he said appreciatively.
 
“Thanks. Just felt like a skirt today I guess,” she answered.
 
“You’ll let me know later how the doctor’s visit went?”
 
“Of course,” she said, resisting the urge to grind her teeth at his need for oversight. They finished breakfast and got into the car, with Buffy behind the wheel for once. She was a cautious driver, but she had actually done a little more driving in and around Europe since Sunnydale fell, and so she was marginally better than she had been. After a short ride they pulled up in front of an office building.
 
“I’ll see you later then,” Riley began, but Buffy put a hand on his arm.
 
“Riley, I just want to say that I appreciate your patience through all this. You’re… you’re a good man.” It was true. He wasn’t a good man for her, but this time around he was genuinely trying to do right by her, and she felt she had to acknowledge it. She leaned over and gave him a quick peck on the cheek.
 
Riley’s eyes widened in happy surprise. “Thank you. I…” He looked as if he wanted to say more, but in the end he said, “I do unfortunately need to get to work.”
 
“That’s okay. Goodbye, Riley.”
 
“I’ll see you later then,” he replied with a smile. He got out of the car and closed the door, giving her a little wave and a smile. It was only later that he realized that she had said goodbye.
 
Ten minutes later Buffy was on the highway heading to L.A.
 
TBC