Buffy’s lips were forced into a tight line as she stalked down the corridor.

Unwilling to face Spike just yet in the light of what Angel’s revelation about Spike’s relationship with the blue god, she had gone straight to her own room to take a nap. She had lain there, counting the cracks in the ceiling, for less than half an hour before giving up. She had only had to ask two of the younger slayers which room was his; he was apparently the subject of several budding crushes.

Now faced with the door to his room, she felt herself waver. She reached out a shaking hand to trace the numbers on the panel, berating herself for her cowardice. She shook her head, telling herself that this was just Spike. Sure, he had tried to kill her and her friends more times than she cared to count, but that was before. Before he had fallen in love with her, before he had gotten his soul, before he had lived and fought by her side. ‘What could he do to me?’ she asked herself.

A tiny voice inside her answered, ‘he could destroy you.’ She shook it off and knocked, schooling her features into passive politeness. After all, there was no need to give him more fuel with which to burn her.

She had almost talked herself out of her actions when the door swung open, revealing a scowling Spike. Her breath caught in her throat at the sight of him, and she blinked away sudden tears.

*~*~*

Spike had been avoiding the mini slayers as much as possible, neither needing nor wanting a reminder of the one that hadn’t shown up for the battle against Wolfram and Hart’s minions. Once he had realized that the contingent of slayers had arrived, he’d searched desperately for Buffy, nearly getting himself dusted due to his lack of attention to the demon he’d been fighting. Bitterness had filled his heart when he’d realized that she hadn’t taken time away from The Immortal Git to come and help Angel’s team—and him, by extension. A sharp pain in his side had drawn his attention back to the ugly bugger in front of him, and he had thrown himself back into the battle, not thinking about Buffy—or anything else—again until after the skirmish was over.

When he’d realized that the demons had retreated, he allowed himself to tally the losses that their side had taken. All in all, the number wasn’t all that great, but the individual deaths had been devastating. Angel and Blue had survived, but the loss of Gunn and Wes pierced his soul. Lorne had left them, and Spike mourned his loss as well. He thought that a few of the mini slayers had bit it as well, but he couldn’t bring himself to care as much about them. He hadn’t known them; they’d been faceless victims to Angel’s war against the powers of hell.

Now back at Angel’s hotel, Spike had immediately shut himself away in the room that Angel had provided him, not willing to be inundated with teenage gossip and raging slayer hormones. He growled at the timid knock on the door, knowing that it had to be a slayer. Blue would have waltzed in like the god she was, and Angel wouldn’t pry his brooding ass out of his office for the likes of his somewhat despised grandchilde. He threw open the door, a scowl neatly situated on his face in hopes of scaring off the girl brave enough to intrude on his solitude. If the scowl didn’t work, he was fully prepared to go into vamp face and bite her.

His face smoothed out with shock as he took in the girl on the other side of the door. Buffy. Buffy, looking pale and skinny, and slightly nervous, although he could tell that she was making an attempt at a brave face. She blinked at him as if surprised to see him, before offering a tiny smile.

“Spike.” The one word, his name on her lips, nearly made his knees buckle with relief at the sight and sound of her. That alone made him straighten his spine, and he frowned at how easily she was able to make him forget his promise to himself that he move on and get over the power she seemed to hold over him.

“Yeah? What d’you want? You’re interrupting my nap time, you know. Or have you forgotten? Vampire. Like to catch a bit of kip during the day.”

She flinched as though struck with a physical blow. “Um, yeah. Sorry. I, uh, just wanted…” She trailed off uncertainly, her eyes shuttered against the pain in her heart, not letting him see the emotions roiling in her gut.

“Just wanted what? Another round of kick-the-Spike? Wanted to see if I was still your puppy to come running when you call? Well, I’m not.”

She shook her head frantically, causing him to snort. Anything to cover his yearning for her. “No, no. I wanted to… To see you, to make sure you were all right, I guess. And you do. Look alright, I mean. Safe and, and incredibly un-dusty.” As the raise of his brow, she rushed, “Not that I want you to be dusty. Not dusty is good. I’m glad you’re not dusty.” ‘Thrilled, amazed, overjoyed, freaking ecstatic that you’re not dusty, but why, Spike? Why didn’t you let me know?’ She stopped the words from flowing out of her mouth, but just barely. She shook her head and clutched her arms to her chest, holding herself in an effort to not come flying apart in the face of his less than friendly demeanor.

His eyes became even colder, reminding her of the time before he’d fallen in love with her, when he had wanted nothing more than to end her existence. “Uh-huh. Well, here I am, entirely whole, with no thanks to you. Now you’ve seen, you can run along.”

Buffy bit her lip. “I just… I wanted to… Maybe we can be friends? I, you know, still care about you and want to know that you’re okay—”

Spike barked out a short laugh, incredulous at her gall. “Friends?” He shook his head. “No, I don’t want to be sodding friends with you. I don’t need you to care about me, and I don’t want you anywhere near me. You don’t have that right anymore.”

‘That’s it then. He doesn’t love me anymore; I’ve lost him. He doesn’t even want to let me in as his friend. God, who knew that my heart could hurt so bad?’ She swallowed hard, and determined to put his mind at ease—she wouldn’t try to follow him around, screwing up his life and his new relationship with the gorgeous woman that she’d left staring at a stupid silk plant. “It’s okay, you know. I mean, I understand.”

“And just what is it that you think you understand, Slayer?”

A fresh wound opened in her heart at his callous tone and his use of that word—Slayer. He sometimes used it as a title, an honorific, but he also used it as a means to keep his distance from her. This time, the inflection wasn’t respectful; it was, if anything, derogatory. A reproof. Slayer. Not The One, not anymore—not for the world, and not for him. Just one of many, meaningless, even disposable.

“That you don’t—that you moved on. I mean, I knew it would happen. Because that’s how it works, right? It’s how it works.”

Confusion marred his forehead. “What the bleeding hell do you mean, you knew it would happen? What’s that supposed to mean?”

Buffy let loose a stream of air and ran a shaky hand through her hair. “Nothing, nothing. Don’t worry about it, okay? I’m just… Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. I just wanted to let you know that… That I get it. You’re not with the Buffy lovage anymore. I won’t push you for anything.”

Anger coursed through his veins. “That’ll be a first,” he snorted. “An’ yeah. Sounds like you are feeling sorry for yourself. Do us a favor and do it somewhere else, yeah? Bugger off and leave me be.” He thought to himself, ‘Sorry that she lost her plaything, is she? Sad that she couldn’t have both me and the Immortal dangling on strings for her amusement? Well sod that.’

Buffy’s bowed her head to hide her stinging eyes. With a whispered apology, she turned and left the room, closing the door softly behind her.

She made her way to the floor that Angel had designated for the slayers, where she nearly ran over Dawn. “Buffy? What’s wrong?”

Buffy raised her head to look at her sister. “Nothing.”

Dawn raised an eyebrow, taking in the haunted light in Buffy’s eyes and the tears shimmering on the surface. “Doesn’t look like nothing.”

Buffy ran her fingers under her eyes and moaned. “Just the Buffy curse, that’s all. Hey, listen, why don’t we go to lunch? Just you and me?”

Dawn frowned. “Well, I was gonna go see Spike; I thought that maybe I could catch you before you were, ah, indisposed? And we could, you know, all have lunch together.”

“Oh. Well, that’s a nice thought, Dawnie. Um, he’s free right now, if you wanna go see him.”

“Well, if you want to have lunch—”

Buffy laughed, but it was a brittle, forced sound. “No, you know, I think I’ll go lay down for a while. I’m feeling a little tired. You go catch up and stuff. I’m sure he misses you.”

“Buffy? Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah.” She forced a small smile and touched Dawn’s hair. “I’ll be fine. Eventually. Go. Have fun.” She turned and walked down the hall to her own room before allowing herself to collapse on her bed in grief, silent sobs wracking her thin body.

*~*~*

Dawn stood in front of Spike’s door, breathing deeply to calm her nerves. She wasn’t as sure about her welcome as Buffy claimed to be. She’d been cold, unyielding, when she saw him last, and although she’d had time to heartily regret her actions over the past year, she wasn’t entirely sure that he’d forgive her.

She’d barely had time to lower her fist after her tentative knock when the door flew open. Spike’s face was angry, then briefly softened before assuming a guarded expression.

“Hey, Spike.”

“Dawn.”

‘Okay, that’s not good,’ she thought. “Can I come in?” He wordlessly beckoned her in and closed the door behind her. She faced him, fidgeting, and blurted, “I missed you. I’m so sorry, and I missed you so much!”

The tension in his neck and shoulders eased somewhat. “Missed you, too, Dawn.”

She flew into his arms with a sob. Startled, he paused for a moment before tentatively wrapping his arms around her. “Shh, it’s alright.” At her continued sobs, he gathered her into his arms and moved to a chair, where she curled into his lap and cried. “What’s all this, then? Don’t cry, sweet bit. You’re okay. Don’t cry.”

Her tears ran dry after a few minutes, but she still clung to him. His arms loosened when he sensed that she had let it all out, and she sat up, looking away and wiping her face. “Sorry,” she sniffed. “It’s just, I really missed you. We thought you were dead, and then we found out you weren’t, and I didn’t believe it, but here you are, and I missed you.”

“Hey, Bi—Dawn, it’s okay. Not much can keep the Big Bad down, right? And I missed you, too.”

She smiled a little. “You can call me Bit. You know, if you want. Just promise me something?”

“What’s that, sweet Bit?”
She smacked him on the chest with a fair amount of strength, causing him to raise a brow. “Don’t die and then come back and not tell us again, ‘kay?”

He laughed softly. “Din’t mean to upset you. Promise I won’t do it again.”

She inhaled and rested her head against his chest for a moment before gingerly moving off his lap.

“So, why isn’t Buffy here?”

The tension that had left his body came flooding back. “She was. She said her piece. She left.”

Dawn’s face scrunched up in confusion. “Okay. I know she was here, I saw her leaving. The question is, why?” Her voice grew hard. “Don’t tell me she was a bitch again.”

He snorted. “It seems that we finally understand each other. We’ve both moved on. It’s fine. As it should be, an’ all that.”

“What? Wait, ‘moved on’?” She whispered, “Don’t you love her anymore?”

He chose his words carefully, unwilling to expose himself too much, even to Dawn. “It’s not enough for one person to do all the loving. It’s not good for anybody when that happens, and I’m not going to do that to either one of us again.”

“Yeah, okay. But that wasn’t my question.”

He ran his hand across his head. “It’s not the same, Dawn.”

She cocked an eyebrow at him. “So… Is that a ‘no, you don’t love her’?”

“I’ve let her go.”

“Oh.” A sad, strained smile crossed her lips. Poor Buffy. No wonder she mentioned ‘the Buffy curse’. “Oh,” she repeated, the smile falling off her lips and her eyebrows coming together in anxiety.

“So’s this mean I’m not forgiven anymore?”

“Oh, Spike. No, nothing like that. But… We’re friends, right? You’re not going to not talk to me anymore just because you’re not in love with my sister, are you?”

He frowned, but didn’t bother to correct her. After all, although he was still in love with Buffy, he didn’t really want to be. “We’re friends, as long as you want. ‘Til the end of the world, an’ all that.”

She nodded. “Good, because there’s somewhere that I need to be right now, a little more than I need to be here. Is—is that okay?”

“Yeah, course it is. Ah, where’re you going?”

Dawn hesitated, biting her lip. Buffy was so private, and Dawn knew that her sister wouldn’t want her pain shared, especially after having her heart broken. “I… I have to make sure she’s okay.” ‘I have to make sure she doesn’t shut down again,’ she thought.

He smiled bitterly. “’M sure she’s fine, all nestled in with her latest, yeah?”

“Huh? Who? What?”

“The Immortal Prat. Innit that who’s givin’ her comfort now?”

“What?!” Dawn screeched. “Where the hell did you get that idea from? Oh, god, that wasn’t some lame attempt to make you jealous, was it?”

He snorted. “If it was, that was one hell of an elaborate setup. Heard it from someone else, then saw it with my own eyes.”

“Saw it? Where could you have possibly seen it?”

“Rome,” he said grimly.

Dawn’s mind went blank as she processed this. Quietly, she asked, “When were you in Rome?”

“Month or two ago, I guess. Dunno, really. Time all kinda ran together
there at the end.” He quickly added, “woulda tried to see you, but you weren’t around.”

“Uh-huh,” she muttered absently. “Look, I don’t know what it is that you thought you saw, or what you heard, or even who told you—”

“Andrew.”

“Andrew?! You heard it from Andrew, and you believed it?”

Spike sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, yeah. But only after
we saw her dancing with him!”

Dawn frowned. “Dancing? She never goes dancing anymore. Oh. Oh, my god, you went to Rome with Angel.” She smacked her forehead. “God, stupid, stupid, stupid. Oh, Spike, this is all my fault.” She slumped onto Spike’s bed, holding her head in her hands.

“Bit?”

Dawn looked up, remorse warring with hope in her eyes. “Spike,” she asked slowly, “are you still in love with Buffy, or not?”

He looked away from her piercing gaze. “Got a soul for her. Woulda gone through hell for her; even did, sorta.”

“Do. You. Still. Love. Her?”

He sighed heavily. “Yeah. Yeah, but it doesn’t matter, does it? She’s moved on.”

“Spike, wait. It was a setup, but it wasn’t for you. We didn’t even know you were alive! It was for Angel. Buffy found out that he’d been spying on her, you know? And she clobbered the guy over the head, but we knew that Angel wouldn’t give up. And she was so mad at him, Spike, because of the way he was all happy that you went poof in the Hellmouth. And, and he kept shouting about cookies, whatever that means, and she finally screamed at him that they were already eaten, whatever the hell that means—”

“Yeah, he kept going on about cookies in Rome.”

“Well, whatever it was, she was pissed. She didn’t want anything to do with him, not for a long, long time, and she told him so, but he wouldn’t listen… So when we found out that he was spying on her, we figured we’d do something to get the point across, and the Immortal offered to help. He’s sorta her friend, you know? I mean, I don’t think she really trusts him because he’s not exactly good, but he’s not exactly bad, either. She said he was like a whistler, but I don’t know what that means, either… God, I’m still kept out of the loop a lot.”

“Bit? Topic. Stay on it.”

“Oh, right. So anyway, The Immortal said he’d help, and then we got Andrew to agree to tell Angel that they were a couple if Angel went by the apartment, and I left with some friends ‘cause I sooo didn’t want to deal with him, or I swear I would have told you, Spike.”

“So… You’re saying that they aren’t a couple?”

“No, no, they never were. It was my idea for them to go out dancing, that way they could be seen doing coupley things without doing any couple things. The Immortal said that Angel hated him for something or other—I think he mentioned nuns? And Darla? Anyway, he was sure that Angel would go looking for him in Rome, so all they had to do was be seen together, like they were together, together.

“God! I can’t believe Andrew didn’t just tell you. I mean, he knows what Buffy went through—” She cut herself off abruptly. “I bet he tried to tell you in some sort of mysterious, no-one-else-gets-it sort of way.”

Andrew’s words ran across Spike’s mind. One of you, anyway. “Bugger.”

“Yeah.”

“Only thing, Bit… Andrew already knew I was alive. Saw me when he came to pick up Dana. Made him promise not to tell anyone, but he knew. Didn’t think the git could actually keep a secret.”

“Uh, well, there was this thing with a video cam and Council meetings that Buffy wasn’t at, but then there was some internet site that was all ‘The Heroes of Tomorrow’, and he got in a lot of trouble over it. He’s been a little too good about keeping secrets lately. So, yeah, Andrew’s all with the secret-keeping. I just don’t know that I wanna know why you didn’t want us to know.” She paused. “You know?”

Spike grinned a little. “Yeah, well, wasn’t feelin’ too sure of myself, pet. Soddin’ hero, going down for the sake of the world, only to pop back up all ghostly. Kind of a letdown, right? Wanted Buffy to remember me as a champion.”

“Spike, I think she’d rather have you than just remember you in any way. God, she loves you. She was so broken after Sunnydale that I didn’t think she’d be okay again. And then we found out some stuff about her, and that’s how she met The Immortal.”

“What stuff?”

“Umm, I think that’s for Buffy to tell you.”

“Right.”

Dawn eyed him, wondering why he was still in the room with her.

“Spike?”

“Yeah?”

“She loves you,” she repeated. “If you’re still in love with her, you should go. She needs you. If you’re not…” She took a deep breath. “If you’re not, or—or don’t want to be with her for some reason, then I need to go, because she needs one of us right now, but if you don’t want her, then it can’t be you because that might make it worse.”

“Right.”

Before she could say anything else, he was striding out the door. She fell back onto the bed, a small smile on her lips and a ray of hope in her heart. “Oh, please don’t screw this up, guys,” she whispered.

TBC