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I Would Still Have Loved You by slaymesoftly
 
Chapter Twenty-one
 
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CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
 
 
“Buffy? Would you like to tell me what’s going on?”
 
Spike glared back at him. “What’s going on is that you’re blocking our way into our home and we—”  
 
Buffy’s hand on his arm had more of an effect on him than Angel’s, “Shut up, Spike. I’ll take care of you in a minute”, but between the two, he stopped himself before he could say anything he might regret.
 
Buffy sighed. “I don’t know what you’re doing here again, Angel. I thought I made myself pretty clear at Thanksgiving.”
 
Angel flinched at the reminder that she’d told him to go home, but continued, “I heard from a demon that your boyfriend’s organization was being shut down because of an explosion, and that you were somehow letting the demons loose, or fighting with loose demons? That part wasn’t really clear, but he also said something about Spike, so I figured if he was back in Sunnydale he must be part of what’s going on and you would need my help.”
 
“I don’t need any help with Spike, Angel. I never have.”
 
“And yet here he is, and he’s… holding your hand?”
 
“Crap,” Buffy muttered.  She glanced up at Spike, who had released her hand but was glaring at Angel over her head.  “Stop growling and help me decide what to do.  Should we tell him?”
 
He shook his head. “He didn’t know before, love. What if he decides not to send me back because he doesn’t want us to be together? Knowing I’m here might affect what he decides to do with me.”
 
“I already know what I’m going to do with you, Spike,” Angel snarled, stepping forward and pushing Buffy out of his way.  Her disabling kick to his knee prevented him from following through on his obviously lethal intentions toward Spike—who was bouncing on his toes in anticipation. While Angel held his knee and stared at Buffy in shock, she gestured for Spike to unlock the door.
 
“Let’s talk about this inside. Who knows who or what might be watching out here.”
 
When Angel tried to follow them inside, he bounced off the invisible barrier.
 
“Oops? Sorry, Angel….” Buffy made no attempt to hide her indecision about whether or not to allow him in. To her surprise, it was Spike who spoke up.
 
“Let him in, love. We can always have Red do a disinvite tomorrow if we think we’ll need it.”
 
Angel’s face was a study in dismay, shock, and anger that was growing deeper by the second. But Buffy’s expression and the way she kept herself between the two vampires made it clear which one’s safety was her priority. With a nod, she said, “Come in, Angel. And close the door please before you sit down.” She pointed at one of the chairs.
 
Grumbling to himself, Angel limped to the chair and fell into in, glaring again at Spike, who ignored him and began opening the box containing the microwave.
 
“Okay,” Buffy said, also ignoring Angel for the time being except to be sure she could see if he moved.  “If he knows, then he will know when you pop out… but if we’re successful, then he won’t give me the… and you won’t have to…. and then you won’t be there anyway. And there won’t be any reason to send you…anyplace…  even if you are there. Which you won’t be, ‘cause you’ll be with me.”
 
“We don’t know that, Slayer. We don’t know where either one of us is going to be.”
 
Buffy sighed. “I know, I know. But that’s a different thing to worry about. Let me try explaining….”  She turned to face Angel who was staring back and forth between them and frowning. He spoke before Buffy could begin her explanation.
 
“You’re different,” he said. “Both of you. You,” he pointed at Buffy, “aren’t anything like the girl I left here last year.” He peered at Spike intently, then sniffed and jumped to his feet to get closer. He stared into Spike’s expressionless face, concentrating on the eyes that gazed back calmly.  “No! It’s not possible!”
 
“‘Tis, Peaches. Very possible.”
 
“When… how…. Who cursed you?”
 
“No curse. Went and got it. Thought I needed it.”
 
“Why?” Genuine bewilderment made Angel shake his head and sink back into the chair. “Why would you do that?”
 
Spike shrugged and laughed softly. “Why have I ever done anything, Angelus? Did it for love, didn’t I? Did it for the girl.” There was a tense silence as Angel stared at him and at Buffy, still standing between them protectively. Spike went back to wrestling the microwave from its box and setting it on the counter.
 
Angel turned his bewildered gaze on Buffy. “I’m assuming you’re ‘the girl’?”
 
“Yes,” she said softly. “He got it for me. He probably didn’t need to, but I never let him know that, so—”
 
“And you’re living together because he got a soul?”
 
“We’re living together because we want to be together, Angel. And we can’t be sure how long we’ll have to do it, so we didn’t want to waste time letting everybody get used to us gradually.”
 
“And we’re back to explaining to me what the hell is going on here.”
 
“Do you remember when you wanted to kill yourself? Or me? Because something was speaking to you and you thought it was Ms. Calendar’s spirit or something? But it wasn’t?”
 
Angel looked uncomfortably. “Of course I remember it. She was talking to me all the time, trying to make me bite you. I thought killing myself was the only way to save you.”
 
“Well ‘she’ was the First Evil. That’s how it operates—it comes to you looking like someone you trust or know—but only dead people. It can’t be somebody who’s alive, only somebody who’s already dead. Or has been dead…” she added, with a glance at Spike, who nodded in agreement.
 
“It left when I didn’t do what it wanted,” Angel said. “And I’ve never heard or seen it again. So what has that got to do with—”
 
“We’re here—I mean the reason we’re working together again, is because we need to prevent the First from coming back when it’s really, really powerful and trying to end the world. So we’re going to stop that from happening. And that’s really all I want to tell you.  Can’t you just trust us… me?”
 
“Why would I trust him?” He glared at Spike.
 
“Because he’s got a soul, just like you do. And he’s helping me.”
 
“And you aren’t going to tell me how all this happened since the last time I saw you… and him?”
 
“I think we’ll all be better off if we don’t tell you. Maybe it won’t matter, but we can’t be sure. And we’re trying so hard to be careful, and things like this keep happening, and I don’t want to screw it up, and….”
 
“And you’ve had all the explanation you’re going to get for now,” Spike said as Buffy got more and more upset. “If the Slayer thinks you need to know more and it’s safe to tell you, she can call you. All you need to know for now is she’s safe—from me and anything else. If that changes and we think you can help, we’ll let you know.”
 
Angel stood up and glared around the small apartment. The double bed was just visible though the open door of the tiny bedroom and his frown deepened. “Exactly how is he ‘helping you’ in a one-bedroom apartment?”
 
“I’m pretty sure that’s A – none of your business, and B – you don’t want to know.” Buffy sighed, knowing she was hurting her first love and wishing she could explain fully. “I told you, Angel, we want to be together as long as we can. If we can stop the First from growing stronger it might… we might not be together anymore. I hope we will. I think we will. But we don’t know.”
 
“Well of course you don’t know. You can’t see the future….” He frowned and thought hard. “Unless you did see the future? Is there a seer in Sunnydale now?”
 
Buffy and Spike exchanged glances, knowing they’d been given the perfect explanation. “Got it in one, Peaches.  A new seer giving us information that might keep bad things from happening. That’s the explanation. You can be on your way now. Ciao.”
 
Ignoring Spike, Angel said to Buffy, “Are you sure this is what you want?”
 
“I’m sure, Angel. You should probably leave if you don’t want to be outrunning the dawn.”
 
Nostrils flaring, he started to lean toward Buffy, then thought better of it when she stepped back and Spike growled softly.  He nodded and opened the door, walking out without looking back or speaking again.  When it was closed and locked, Buffy sagged against it.
 
“Well that was… unexpected. Do you think he bought it?”
 
Spike shrugged and looked around for someplace to plug in the new oven. “Don’t know, love. I think he bought it for now, but the big poof isn’t stupid. When he’s had time to think back on what we said and didn’t say, and to think about it a bit more…. Who knows? Even if he does figure it out, it just makes him less likely to interfere. If he has reason to believe we’ve known each other longer than he thinks, he might leave us alone.  Had to be a bit of a shock to him—finding us all domestic-like when last time he saw us I was crying over Dru and you were still all about lovin’ him. Hasn’t been as long for him as it has for us.”
 
Buffy peered at him with narrowed eyes. “You’re being awfully understanding. Who are you and what have you done with Spike?”
 
He laughed and pulled her into an embrace. “I’m right here, Buffy. And that’s why I can be generous and understanding. I’m here. You’re here. We love each other…” He hesitated over that just long enough for Buffy to nod her head and nudge him with her nose. “And we’ve got a brand new bed and the rest of the night ahead of us. If I got any happier, I might lose my soul.”
 
“Speaking of the bed, if you’ll stick one of those frozen sandwiches in the microwave for me, I’ll go put the sheets on the bed.”
 
“You’ve got it, love. One disgusting-looking hot sandwich coming up.”
 
 
XXXXXXX
 
A bit later, after Buffy had eaten her dinner and Spike had warmed up and drunk another mug of blood, they smiled across the table at each other.
 
“Bed time?” Spike asked eagerly.
 
“Almost. I need to brush my teeth and stuff like that. You go ahead, I’ll be right there.”
 
While Buffy rinsed out Spike’s mug and her own glass, setting them on the side of the sink to drain, he quickly brushed his own teeth and was lying in bed naked by the time Buffy emerged from the bathroom and hit the light switch.
 
“We need a lamp for this room,” she said as she plunged the room into darkness. “Good thing I can sense vampires or I wouldn’t know where you were.” She approached the bed cautiously, afraid of hitting her toes on the box spring and holding one hand out in front of her in case she was walking into a wall.
 
“You’re here, love,” Spike said, reaching for her hand and guiding her onto the mattress. “I wouldn’t let you bump into anything.”
 
She giggled. “I think I just did,” she said as he pulled her against his already hard cock.  She giggled again when he sucked in his breath as he realized she was also naked.
 
“Ah, that’s my girl.” he said, running his hands down her back and cupping her ass. He put his mouth on her neck and began to suck the delicate skin there, groaning as he felt the blood pumping beneath his lips.
 
Even as she tilted her head to give him better access to her neck, Buffy whispered, “You know this should be scary, right? A vampire moaning and sucking on my neck.”
 
“Done it before,” he stopped to mumble. “Didn’t hurt you then, did I? No more than you wanted me to, anyway.”
 
There was a pause as they both thought back to two years before when they’d indulged in such violent sexual acts that either one of them was likely to be bruised and bleeding when they were done. He lifted his head away as if trying to read her face in the darkness. “If it reminds you of something you’d rather not remember—”
 
“No. It’s fine. It’s so fine I let Harmony of all people sneak up on us when you were doing it earlier.”  She nibbled on his ear lobe and wriggled against him. “I like it… which probably says something scary about me, now that I think about it.”
 
“I think it says we were made for each other. I love putting my mouth on you, and you like it. Doesn’t get any better than that.”
 
“Really? Are you sure about that?” Buffy let her legs slide apart so his cock was caught between her thighs. “Cause I’m pretty sure it can get better….”
 
She rubbed herself on him, causing him to completely forget about her neck and grab her hips, lifting her up and onto his now well-lubricated erection.  He sighed with relief, then groaned, as with a matching sigh, she settled onto him and sat up, bracing herself with her hands on his chest.
 
“I stand corrected,” he said, holding her hips in place and arching his back. Buffy clamped her internal muscles around him and threw her head back, whimpering as she found herself on the verge of orgasm already.  “Let yourself go, sweetheart. I’ve got you,” Spike said as she tried to move around to get the friction she wanted. He put a thumb on her clit and, with the other hand still holding her down against him tightly, he began to rub in circles until she was arching her back and crying his name.
 
She fell forward onto his chest and tried to catch her breath.  “Much better,” she mumbled, feeling his chest shake as he chuckled.
 
“That it is. But we’re not half done yet.” He rolled them over and leaned down to kiss her. Buffy’s legs went around his back and she held him in place while they kissed until she was breathing hard again and her hips were moving under him. He pulled his mouth away and pushed his upper body up so he could see her face as he began to increase the speed and power of his thrusts.
 
“No fair, you can see me and I can’t see you,” Buffy gasped, even though she knew her eyes were closed.
 
“I’ll buy you a lamp,” he promised. “Tomorrow. Tonight, I’m just a mysterious stranger who is making love to you in the dark.”
 
“Oooh, I think I like that. Mysterious stranger, huh? I wonder if the stranger would like it if I—ahh! I guess he did.  How about if I….” She leaned up and grabbed one of his nipples in her teeth, having no trouble finding it in the dark.
 
His growl sounded nothing like an angry vampire, and everything like one that was enjoying her actions. She nibbled and sucked on one nipple, then the other, before dropping her head back to the bed and waiting for him to follow it down. Which he did, fastening his lips on her neck again and sucking hard while his hips churned against her. 
 
When she began to shatter around him, emitting small shrieks of pleasure, he let himself go, giving several powerful thrusts and pulling so hard on the skin of her throat that he felt it burst open and her blood coat his tongue. Too far gone in his orgasm to stop, he kept his mouth there until they both relaxed onto the bed.
 
“Wowie, wow,” Buffy gasped. “And ow?”
 
“Sorry, love. I sucked so hard I broke the skin. It’s just like a little burst blister. I’ll get you some ointment for it as soon as I can walk again.”
 
Buffy huffed her appreciation and agreement for that problem as he rolled off and pulled her close. Buffy threw one leg over his and rested her head on his chest.
 
“So you didn’t bite me?”
 
“No!” He sounded horrified. “I just sucked so hard I broke the skin. Didn’t mean to, and it’s already healing. I’m sorry.”
 
“No biggie,” she said. “I can’t even feel it anymore, and given what accompanied it… might be worth giving up a few drops of blood.”
 
“Don’t joke about that, Buffy. You don’t know how hard it was—is— to keep my teeth off you.”
 
“How come you never bit me back when we…? I was always bleeding from something or other—and so were you. I know you licked me when you thought I was asleep, but you could have bitten me any time. The chip didn’t care what you did to me.”
 
I cared,” he said. “Knew you didn’t love me and you wouldn’t understand what an exchange of blood means to a vamp. Even if you didn’t stake me for it, it wouldn’t have meant the same thing to you it did to me. I didn’t want to take it from you that way. Couldn’t resist the little licks to clean up your scratches, but would never have bitten you.”
 
“I’m not sure if I should be flattered or offended.” When she felt him flinch, she explained. “Flattered that you wanted to, or offended that you could resist me.”
 
“I love you, Buffy. Love you now with my soul, and I loved you then without it. Either way, I would never have taken advantage of what you were already giving of yourself to take more. And I knew better than to ask for it.” His tone indicated he was angry and hurt that he’d needed to explain that to her.
 
Spike’s arm that had been holding her close relaxed and dropped to the mattress. He didn’t exactly push her away, but she was suddenly cuddled up to a dead man. With a sigh, she rolled off and lay beside, but not touching him.
 
“This is going to take us awhile, isn’t it?”
 
“What is?”
 
“Getting used to trusting each other. I mean, we’ve always trusted each other in a fight. To have each other’s back and to be there when we need— But trusting each other with our… feelings… with our hearts.”
 
Rather than her words making things better, Buffy could sense him shift slightly away from her. She felt her anger flare, then sighed and admitted she knew what he was reacting to. “Okay. My heart has always been safe with you. I know that. Even when it wasn’t yours to worry about, you tried not to hurt me.  And I… I didn’t admit it when you did have it, so… you had no reason to think you could hurt it.”
 
“What are you trying, in such spectacularly inept fashion, to say, Slayer?”
 
She sighed again. “I guess what I’m saying is, you’re going to have to get used to trusting me. That if I hurt you with something I do or say, it’s an accident. I don’t want to hurt you. I’m just not very good at not doing it yet. And when you’re talking about something I don’t know anything about… How was I supposed to know that not biting me was because you loved me, not because you were afraid I’d stake you?”
 
He was quiet for a moment, then rolled to face her. She couldn’t see his face, but she felt him touch her cheek gently.
 
“You’re right, love. I’m an insecure wanker and I was expecting you to understand things I never taught you. Forgive me?”
 
“There’s nothing to forgive. I just want you to give me the benefit of the doubt. If I hurt you, it’s because I’m being dumb Buffy, or self-absorbed Buffy, not because I don’t love you and don’t care about your feelings.”
 
“You’re not dumb, sweetheart. And if anybody has a right to be a little self-absorbed sometimes, it would the one girl in all the world who has to save it every spring, even if it kills her.  As long as she loves me, that’s all that matters to me.”
 
“She does, you know. I do. And if I didn’t have to be up early enough to get some stuff done tomorrow, I’d spend the rest of the night proving it to you.” She kissed him, then reached for the duvet and curled up to sleep.
 
He chuckled softly and wrapped one arm around her body, spooning her from behind. “Good night, my love. Sleep well.”
 
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