full 3/4 1/2   skin light dark       
 
This Thing We Have by Sigyn
 
This Is Getting Out Of Hand
 
<<     >>
 



    It had been more than a week. The full moon was rising over LA. Angel had gone to check on his friend Nina, make sure she found a safe place to spend her long weekend, since the Wolfram and Hart building was nothing but a pile of rubble. Nina was okay; she’d found a place with a heavy door. He had another task to do tonight. He came up and lightly knocked on the open door to Spike’s hospital room, so as not to startle Buffy when he came in.

    All of the machinery was eerily silent. No beeps or blips, no lines wavering or numbers clicking. Just zeros and flat lines and the slight hum which indicated they were still plugged in. Buffy was lying on the bed beside the still corpse, her hand on his, her thumb lightly tracing along his skin as if he could feel her. She’d been doing that a lot, lately. The last three days she’d been lying beside him every time he came in to check on her. The rest of the time, she’d been sleeping on the little guest couch. She’d been careful to eat heartily, took fluids and iron supplements and hooked herself up to oxygen when she knew she was going to be sleeping, but it wasn’t enough. She was pale as death.

    Angel came up on the other side of the bed, and set his bag on the floor. “Any change?” he asked.

    Buffy shook her head.

    He wondered if she’d talk to him at all. Often, she barely said three words.“You don’t look good.”

     “I’m fine.” Her voice was dull and distant, but she looked too tired to force the silent treatment on him this evening.

     He was glad of it. He needed to talk to her. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself.”

    “Yes I can,” she said. She looked up at him. “I did it for you.”

    “Not every day for a week,” Angel said.

    “You took more than a pint,” Buffy said. Her eyes flickered back down to Spike. “He needs it.”

    “Why don’t you ask some of the other slayers to help?”

    “I did,” Buffy said. “Some offered. A couple of them, at least. The ones who knew Spike, who were down at the Hellmouth with us. Three or four pints, I don’t remember, before they left LA. But most of the girls were injured, and they’re mostly gone now. And he is a vampire. I can’t ask any of them to risk themselves for Spike.”

    “Not even Faith? You could call her in.”

    “She’s still working with Dana. I don’t want to break her retraining.” She looked up at Angel. “You didn’t even tell me when he lost his hands?”

    Angel felt sick at the accusation in her eyes. Clearly, she’d been doing her research as well as tending to Spike. Rather than acknowledge, he went back to his own subject. “Buffy. You’re killing yourself.”

    “I’m just tired and anemic,” Buffy said. “I’ll stop before I die.”

    “Buffy.”

    “Don’t say it, Angel,” she said. She was fighting emotion as she added, “I know it has to be soon.”

    The despair in her eyes tore at him. “Just tell me one thing,” he said. “Do you love him?”

    Buffy’s eyes flickered back up to Angel. “What do you mean?”

    “Last time I asked you that, you said no. He wasn’t your boyfriend, and you saw no future together. How about now?”

    “How can you ask me that?” she said. “Look at him. He’s not even...” She closed her eyes, exhausted. “What does it even matter?”

    “I just need to know. Are you two in love?”

    Buffy almost laughed, a sad little smile tickling at her pale lips. “I don’t know,” she said softly. “We never tried to define it. It was always just... this. This thing between us, that didn’t have a name. This thing that changed... daily. Minute by minute. Word by word. Sometimes it was hatred, or resentment. Sometimes it wasn’t. Sometimes it was everything, and sometimes nothing at all. We never really called it love.”

    “Why not?” Angel had to know.

    “At first, I wouldn’t let him,” Buffy said. “I wouldn’t believe him. I thought it was just some vampiric obsession, hunting down another slayer, one way or another. Then even when I believed him... I didn’t want to. Because that would mean I was hurting him.”

    She settled her head deeper into the pillow, staring at his waxy face. “He said this was enough. This thing between us. He said this was real, that this was powerful. This.” She shook her head. “Even at the end, he wouldn’t let me name it. I don’t know if he was protecting himself, or me. But with us... it was always just this.”

    Angel stared at her. She’d said the whole thing in a kind of dreamlike hum, fading to a pained whisper that hurt his heart. “And what was this to you two?”

    Buffy smiled. “It was different for each of us,” she said softly. “He gave me everything he was. His heart, his flesh... eventually his soul. He let himself be tortured, you know. Many times. To protect what I loved, to make himself worthy. To prove himself worthy. He even let me torture him, in a way. He helped me through... the darkest moments of my life. I was addicted to him for a while. It was so hard to stop, and it made it even worse when I did. It almost dragged us both into hell. Nearly drove him mad. It did drive him away, into the hands of that demon, who seared his soul back into him. I didn’t know him when he came back. He had changed so much, there was so much more to him. I had to get to know the depths of him, that he hadn’t had before. He said he wanted to be... whatever I needed. Even if I needed him gone.” She touched his cold cheek. “I think I was his whole world.”

    “And you?” Angel asked. “Was he your world?”

    Buffy shook her head. “I have a calling,” she said. “I can’t ever let one person be my whole world. The world would break apart if I did. But he could make me laugh when I was miserable. He gave me strength when I had none. He made me feel....” She closed her eyes, tears escaping through the shadowed lids. “I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t come out of this,” she said. “To find him again, but not. I don’t know what it’ll do to me. I accepted he was dead – that everyone dies some day. But I’ve been living on since then with this big hole in my heart....” She stopped. Her face changed slowly. “He completes me,” she said, revelation in her voice. She closed her eyes, exhausted by the very thought.

    “Well,” Angel said bluntly. “I think that answers my question.” He took Spike’s hand from Buffy and sighed ruefully. Then, to her complete shock, he attacked Spike, stabbing through both their hands with an ornate blade. “From the blood of the sire, he is risen,” Angel muttered through a snarl of pain. “From the blood of the sire, he shall rise again.” Then he cursed, very unceremoniously, as a brilliant purple sun burst through the room, followed by a faint golden light glowing dimly through their impaled hands. When the light faded and died, Angel sighed. “Okay, that’s enough of that.” He yanked his hand off the blade and reached again for the bag at his feet. He pulled out another IV bag of blood, this one at least three times as large as the ones Buffy had been supplying daily. He hooked the needle in alongside the blade in Spike’s hand, and hung the bag beside Buffy’s on the IV stand. He wrapped a bandage around his hand. “So, we’ll see if that works,” he said glumly.

    Buffy slid off the bed and caught Angel as he crossed the room. “What did you just do?”

    “A restoration ceremony,” Angel said. “Actually, Spike taught it to me; remember when they tried to kill me restoring Drusilla?” He glanced over at Spike’s still form. “I’m only his grandsire, but I don’t know where to find Drusilla right now. Don’t know if it’ll work. It might do, we’ve shared a lot of blood back and forth over the years.”

    “Why would you two–?”

    He headed off the question, his eyes heavy. “Buffy. Don’t ask when you don’t really want to know.”

    “Where’d you get the blade?” Buffy asked instead. “Doesn’t it need to be some fancy reliquary?”

    “It’s the same blade,” Angel said. “Spike left it behind when the organ fell on him. I saved it.”

    “I didn’t see.”

    “You were a little preoccupied, what with getting us all out of the fire,” Angel said. “It was in my office at Wolfram and Hart. I’ve been searching the rubble for it. Found it a few days ago.” He grunted, closing his eyes. “Excuse me,” he said with a sigh. “I’m tired.”

    Buffy glanced at the IV bag. “Is that all your blood?”

    “I’ve already replaced it,” Angel said, “it’s just it’s mostly in my stomach at the moment, and it’s all still animal blood. Nothing against Spike and all, but I didn’t really want to die to restore him. I don’t owe him that much. Took as much as I could safely – that much worked on Dru.”

    Buffy stared at him, amazed. “What would you have done if I said something else?” she asked. “If I said he was nothing to me.”

    “The same thing,” Angel said. “I just wanted to hear you say it first.” He looked immensely tired.

    Buffy felt terrible. This sacrifice, this attempt, had touched her. “I’m sorry, Angel. I don’t mean to hurt y–”

    “I fell in love with Cordelia,” he broke in.

    “What?” It had been a very blunt delivery, one that surprised her no end. “You... wait, what?”

    Angel sat down on the narrow hospital guest couch and looked up at Buffy. “I fell. In love. With Cordelia,” he said, very distinctly. “It was real,” he said evenly. “It was true. It was just as impossible as it always was with you, and she’s gone. She’s dead. But I fell in love with Cordelia.” He reached out to Buffy and took her hand, drawing her, not entirely unwillingly, onto the couch beside him. “I’ve also got a girlfriend,” he mentioned.

    Buffy raised her eyebrows. “You’ve got a girlfriend.”

    He nodded. “Nina. She’s a werewolf.”

    “That must be... nice...?” Buffy was bewildered. “You want to explain why you’re telling me this?”

    “We’re able....” He looked awkward. “It’s kind of a trick, but I’m able to...” He looked at her directly. “Basically I have to be... I’ve learned to sort of think about....”

    “Are you telling me you’re getting laid?” Buffy demanded.

    “Yeah,” Angel said. “I have to be careful. Have to think about... all the misery in the world, and.... Well. She’s a sweet girl, and I’m still getting to know her. I don’t love her the way I did you,” he finished. “I... don’t do anything, anymore... the way I did with you.”

    “Obviously,” Buffy said. She was more bewildered than upset. “This is insane. Two and a half years of forced and tortured celibacy followed by... whatever the hell your circling my life like a vulture has been for the last half decade, and now you’re telling me you just have to stay broody? And to prove it, you lay some other bitch? Is this how you’re coming on to me?”

    “I’m not coming on to you at all. And don’t call her a bitch.”

    “Sorry, you said werewolf and I couldn’t resist.”

    “It is tempting,” Angel admitted, “she does it herself privately. But that’s not the point. The point is that... Buffy... I haven’t been fair to you.”

    “Just figuring that out now, are you?”

    “No,” Angel said. “Spike sort of... pointed it out to me.” He took a deep breath. “When I first met you... I did hunt you,” he admitted. “I didn’t mean to. Before I met you, I’d been living as far away from humanity as I could get myself. The truth is, it had been so long since I’d spent any time around human beings, that I didn’t know... any other way to interact with them. So I-I was asked to help a slayer, and I immediately started thinking of you as I would have one of my victims. I thought, because I didn’t want to eat you, that everything was different. But it wasn’t. I stalked you. I lay traps for you. I let myself manipulate you in ways I would have if I’d been trying to... make you mine. And in the middle of it all I fell in love with you. Before I’d even talked to you, which wasn’t fair to you at all.”

    He shook his head. “It’s just... it had been so long since I felt anything like that, it-it did things to me. It took me over, like bloodlust. I felt like it was your fault. That you’d done this thing to me, and you had an obligation to reciprocate. It was completely unfair of me... to put myself in a position around you where you could even see me as a romantic partner. Particularly at your age – my age. Now, see, back when I was human, at sixteen, you could have been getting married. Society has changed... but I didn’t change with it. It was unconscionable of me. If I had really wanted to help you, I should have taken a role as your teacher, contacted Giles first, even your mother. I should have done anything other than... offer you jewelry and stalk you to The Bronze to show off my wounds while gallantly offering you my coat.” He shook his head. “I shouldn’t have hunted you like I did.”

    “Yeah, I know,” Buffy said. Angel looked up. “Spike’s told me much the same,” she said. “He used to get very angry at me... well, really, very hurt... that I kept making such a big deal about you, that you had a soul, when he kept pointing out you weren’t behaving very differently from what you’d been without one.” She shook her head. “I still don’t understand, though. If you had a girlfriend, and the celibacy thing has... been solved, why did you still keep Spike a secret? Why were you still so jealous?”

    “Probably because there’s still a part of me that thinks I’ve claimed you. I mean, ordinarily, that part of me would have eaten you already.”

    Buffy laughed.

    “It’s not funny,” Angel said. “The victims I claimed like that... they were very important to me. They were my art. Once I took you, you would have been inside me, part of me. Your life... would be completely mine. I would never have had to let you go. I am... that part of me, at least... isn’t good at letting go. But the thing is, even though the demon in me thinks of you as mine, that is not my better nature. I have been moving on. I have fallen in love, deeply. And I’ve reached out and found... exactly how happy I can be, and learned to stop there. And I want that for you, too. And if that means Spike, then... I guess I can learn to be okay with that. I’m never going to like it or anything, but... if it makes you happy... I’ll like that.”

    Buffy sighed. “It’s all kind of moot, at the moment,” she said. She looked up at the dead form of Spike. “I’m so afraid it’s too late. God. Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

    “Spike showed up before Nina and I got together,” Angel said. “Cordy was... pretty much gone already. I was alone, and... I couldn’t accept the idea that I might lose you.”

    “You never had me,” Buffy snapped. “You kept throwing me up in the air like a rubber ball, you certainly didn’t... hold me.” She looked down. “Not even when I wanted you to.”

    “I know,” Angel said. “I was able stand back, but not aside. I had to keep touching you, just enough to keep you. And when I came to Sunnydale that last time, all ready to die beside you, and suddenly I find you with Spike... I was just burning with jealousy. His scent was all over you. Then twenty days later he shows up as a ghost in my office, and starts talking about... the things he’d done with you, and I... all I wanted was for him to go away. Spike and I have always sparred,” he said. “I was Dru’s sire, Spike was her child, I did terrible things to him. I tried my best to make him mine, like Dru was... so that there was no part of Dru that didn’t still belong to me completely. And I failed, ultimately. In many ways, he’s stronger than I am. But he’s never going to forgive me for that. And I’m never going to forgive him, for all the things I did to him. I know that sounds mad, but–”

    “No,” Buffy said. “That’s the most sensible thing you’ve ever said about Spike.”

    Angel chuckled. “We don’t hate each other like we did,” he said. “We’ve come to... a truce in these last months. We’re allies. I didn’t tell you at first, because I couldn’t bear it. And then once he wasn’t a ghost anymore... I didn’t think it my place. It was his life.”

    “So why didn’t he....” She sighed and covered her eyes.

    “I don’t know,” Angel said. “He meant to go to you at first. Then he was bound to LA for a while, and couldn’t. Then I... I think he got confused. When we tried to find you in Rome, it was pretty clear he thought... you didn’t care about him.”

    Buffy shook her head. “And I’ll bet you did everything you could to help with that, didn’t you.”

    “I didn’t try to change his mind, no,” Angel admitted. “But part of it was, he didn’t want to hurt you. He told me... to look at what damage I’d done to you, when I came back from the dead. I think he didn’t want you going through that. He was flashing into hell. He’d felt himself burn. And you were ten thousand miles away. I don’t know if there’s more to it than that – it’s not like I was his confidant or anything. Mostly he just took pleasure in annoying me.”

    Buffy smiled. “That sounds like Spike.” She swallowed, and Angel realized she was holding back tears. He reached out and pulled her close, and she did not try to pull away.

    “The thing is, Buffy, I’m always going to love you. You really are a part of me... and not only because I’ve tasted you.” She chuckled, and he went on. “But there are different kinds of love. And if you can forgive me for what I’ve done to you... I don’t need to be your lover. You’ll be just as important to me no matter what.”

    “You’re important to me, too,” Buffy said. “Whatever you’ve done to me, whether you meant to or not, I’m okay. No matter how angry I am at you – and I’m still plenty angry over this, believe me – you’ve helped me become who I am.”

    “You’ve done the same,” Angel said.

    “And I do still love you,” Buffy admitted. “But you’re right. There are different kinds of love. I don’t want you like I did when I was a girl. That girl in me is always going to see you as... everything. But...”

    “But that’s the girl,” Angel said. “And you’re a woman now. I know.” He chuckled. “Spike pointed that out to me, too.”

    Buffy took a deep breath and asked what was to her a very important question. “This restoration ceremony. Could you have done that any time?”

    “I had to wait for a full moon to rise,” Angel said. “No. I wouldn’t have left you grieving again, if I didn’t have to.”

    “Do you think it’s going to work?”

    “I don’t know,” Angel said. They looked over at Spike’s still body. “I hope so.”

    They watched as the IV bag slowly spilled drop after drop of magically charged blood into Spike’s hand. They were both tense and weak from blood loss, and the silent room was timeless. Neither of them noticed when they fell asleep.

    And neither of them woke when one of the machines monitoring Spike began to beep.

 

 
<<     >>