Chapter 5—My Senses Reel

She drifted still, but with more purpose. She was…waiting. Yes, waiting, for the moment that was imposing on the horizon now.

She knew what they planned, and though she loved it here, was rested here, she remembered what it was and wanted it again. She missed the adrenaline rush of the fight. She missed the heat of slippery kisses. She missed the flush of love.

She remembered the jump. She remembered the last thought to cross her mind as a million volts of mystical energy ripped her soul from her body. It wasn’t of her sister, or her Watcher, or her friends down below, watching her swan dive into oblivion.

Her last thought was of him. Love for him.

She felt regret, although that wasn’t suppose to be here. She felt herself propelled toward the growing darkness.

She wondered if that was the portal to hell. If questioning the things you did was the way to go to hell. If remembering would drive you closer.

She knew this was wrong. She knew she shouldn’t be feeling like this. She knew that right now, at this moment, she should be at peace. She felt anything but peaceful. She knew what her friends were planning, and she felt rage, and the darkness was closer yet.

They couldn’t believe that she would find her own way back, if it were meant to be. What kind of friends were they? If they had that little faith in her, maybe they weren’t friends at all. Betrayal pushed, and she was a little closer.

She could almost see inside it now. Pure dark there. No light for a soul to guide it. No peace. No love. Nobody. Maybe her own private hell?

She didn’t get a hell sense from the darkness. She sensed…waiting. A waiting place.

She wished she’d paid more attention when Giles had spoken of transdimensional planes. Realizing she remembered a name, she tried harder. Willow. Yes, Willow, the one who thought she knew best. The one who wanted to rip her from here, only she wanted away from here too. But her hubris was overwhelming, and the anger it sparked got her a little closer.

Tara. Tara was sweetness and light, and no match for Willow. Tara needed someone who noticed her, not someone bent on life to make herself happy. She noticed that she was stagnant, and moved on, thinking hard, trying so hard….

Anya. Anya was so blunt it hurt, but she had no real feelings of like or dislike for her. She was simply there. Okay, maybe a little regret—she had helped them quite a bit with demon knowledge, and maybe she should have gotten to know her better. She noticed she was drifting slowly along, and then it popped in her head.

Xander. Xander made her laugh, made all of them laugh. But he had a bigoted streak a mile wide. Maybe it was all the trauma of being friends with the slayer, and having to stake your best friend, or maybe it was just to make himself feel a little better, but it annoyed her. It especially pissed her off when he attacked Spike the way he did.

And there was his name, there in the forefront of her feelings. She was whizzing through the cotton-candy feelings of this place, her mind chanting his name repeatedly. Love, hate, desire, anger, love, love, love, and she was moving faster and faster until she was…. There.

She looked around the dark, waiting. She thought of love, and found her peace.


a/n: Thank you so much for the reviews, my faithful ones....*hugs*