Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.

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Chapter 14 - I Don't Pretend

Spike knew what that smell was. Damn wanker, dipping his bullets in holy water! He grudgingly grabbed the mug from the microwave and downed its contents, knowing he that he would need the strength to fish the damn bullet that was lodged in his left shoulder. He then rummaged through the cabinets and found him a bottle of JD and proceeded to down almost half the contents of the bottle in one swig.

Buffy gave him a curious look until she saw the tiny rip on his shirt.

Spike gave her a languid smile. “Need a knife, love.”

Buffy moved to the other side of the kitchen to fetch one while he stripped off his shirt. Blood had dripped down from the wound and a thin line of reddish brown had painted his left arm. Around the bullet wound, the flesh was smoking which accounted for the stink that Buffy had smelled earlier. She handed him a large kitchen knife as he took another swig from the bottle. Taking the knife in his right hand, he sliced his shoulder open, grinding his teeth to bare the pain. He carefully placed the knife down on the counter and took a deep unnecessary breath to ready himself. He thrust his fingers into his shoulder, fishing around for the blessed bullet. Finding his prize, he let out a sigh as he dropped the bullet on the counter before washing the blood off his fingers.

“Bloody wanker of a Watcher!” Spike huffed as he dried his hands, thankful now that the burning had stopped.

“I’m sorry.”, Buffy said her head bowed trying to concentrate on cleaning the now bloody kitchen counter.

“For what, pet?”

“I froze. I should have been able to handle that myself.”

“Yeah, you should.”

It was not the response she was expecting from him, but he was right. Here she was thinking of taking down a master vampire when she couldn’t even defend herself against a Watcher with a gun.

“Do you think I was right to let him go? To stay with you?”

Spike shrugged. “Don't know, love. I can’t tell you that. I still would have rather fed on him but I know you’d never let me.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of Spike. I’m afraid I would have let you. I know it’s wrong, but he wanted me to leave you. ”

“I know I’m irresistible!”, Spike said giving her a playful wink.

“I’m trying to be serious here.”

“What’s there to say?”

“Why are you with me Spike?” she looked earnestly into his eyes.

“Bugger. I thought we already had this conversation, pet.”

“Indulge me!”

“Because you asked me to and I said I’d protect you. Because we have an understanding you and I.”

But that understanding was never really official – no handshake, no pinky swear. Fate brought them together and she didn’t want to be alone. Was that all it was, afraid of being alone? She needed him to feel safe, to feel loved, to affirm her existence. But if that was all it was, why did she let him take her? She craved his attention, his kisses and his embrace. He said before that it was all an illusion, but she ignored him. It couldn’t be. She remembers the way he would hold her protectively, the way he would look into her eyes with such sincerity and the way he just used his body to shield her from her Watcher. Could that be all an illusion? A lie? But to what end?

She looked at Spike who was now rummaging through the refrigerator for another bag of pigs blood. She caught the disgusted face he made as he found one.

Blood. He took from her religiously but she didn’t care. It felt warm and comforting. It felt good because in some way she could help him and give him life. Was that all he wanted then? Blood? Like before? And if it was, why is she worrying about this? She had told Giles earlier this evening that she belonged to him. They weren’t in the coven anymore. She was now a Slayer, but she knew deep down that she belonged to him. The words came out easily tonight. She felt no shame in it, no disgust in herself. She was happy when he was close. But what did she mean to him? He never gave her any real answers about it. His responses would most probably be just like what he just said minutes ago. Was she lying to herself then? Was she desperately clinging to an illusion like he had said.

“Do you still think about her, Spike?” she asked feebly.

He knew she meant Dru. Taking in a deep breath, he closed his eyes. He didn’t need this now. “What do you want to know Buffy? You know you don’t need to beat around the bush with me, pet.”

What did she want to find out? What kind of answer would make her happy? That he belonged to her just as much as she belonged to him? “Just wondering.”

“It ain’t wondering when you get all huffy like that.” He abandoned the blood near the sink and moved behind her, his arms wrapping around her ignoring the pain of his healing shoulder. “What’s bothering you, love?” he said before planting a soft kiss on her cheek.

With a sigh, Buffy leaned against him. She took a moment to enjoy his closeness before taking a deep breath and continuing. “This is what’s bothering me. What are we to each other. I mean … uhm … we never really say anything about it. I mean, I know I need you but …”

“But, does any of it have to really mean anything?”

“One would hope – hope that when I feel you, I’m really seeing you and not an illusion. Hope that there was some truth in the kisses and the caresses.”

He held her close, not really sure what to say. He hated having to think about their relationship. Wasn’t it enough that they were together? That he would keep her safe? They didn’t have to put labels on it, didn’t have to analyze it because once you do it gets all muddled and confusing. She was making him think about it. It was easier a few weeks ago, when she was called to be the Slayer. It was simple then. Vampire. Slayer. There was no way two beings who were meant to kill each other could be together. It was black and white. The decision was clear. One lifestyle negates the other and it would result in someone’s death. But she ignored that title and asked him to stay. He did. For what purpose? To feed on her? To one day kill her and better his reputation? Or better yet to turn her and have a Slayer as a willing follower. Though all appealing, why hasn’t he done any of it yet? She was still new, inexperienced and most of all she trusted him. It would be so easy. Kill her in her sleep. Drink from her and drain her dry. No, those would be too easy. The kill would be better if they fought. Unfortunately, during the few times they had sparred, he ended up teaching her tumblings of a different sort -- tumblings that he found himself craving more and more.

“I can tell you want you want to hear, but that’s not what you’re looking for, eh love?”, he whispered into her ear. “So I‘ll tell you what I know. I hate Angelus and I know he wants you, perhaps now more than ever if he knew. And I took you from him as my prize. But I never thought ...”, he stopped then straightened himself up.

Buffy caught the uncertainty in his voice. She tried to turn around to face him but he held her fast so she opted to continue leaning against him, her head resting gently against the right side of his chest. Spike looked down and smiled at the contact. It was those little things that she did that he couldn’t understand why he enjoyed. “I won’t lie. I loved Dru, maybe a part of me still does, ... I guess. She was my salvation from human weakness. She gave me a century’s worth of sensations.” He saw her nod slowly and could tell by the subtle curl of her lips that she was holding her comments about his relationship with Dru. “What we have is different, but ... " he closed his mouth for a moment, not really sure what to say. "If you think that I'm just using you to get back at Dru or to pretend that I'm with her, then you're bloody wrong. I see you. ... I know it's you. I don’t pretend that I'm with someone else. ... But what you're sodding asking me ..."

Buffy took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He was saying riddles again, but what did she really expect. She moved closer to the counter, and gently placed a hand on his arm, pulling it up slowly to untangle herself. “I’m sorry. Forget I said anything. Just the shock I guess of what happened tonight.”

Spike looked at her intently. What did she want from him? First she was opening up to him and now she was locking herself up. “What now? What do you want me to say?”

“Nothing.” She said solemnly, throwing herself at cleaning up the kitchen counter.

“I tell you the truth and you’re treating me like I said otherwise”

Buffy shrugged. “You’re blood is still by the sink.”

“You’re not changing the subject on me. You brought this up Buffy. You wanted to talk. So let’s have at it, pet. What? You want me to say I love you? That I care? That I pine over you like a bloody teenager?”

“That’s not it!”

“What then? I’m a vampire Buffy and proud of it! I’ve lived for over a century and have seen, felt and done things that you could only imagine. Emotions are something very human. Most of you think that everything can be summed up to either being here”, he said pointing to his head. “Or here”, he said pointing to his chest. “But it’s just chemicals and hormones. I don’t pretend, never pretend that it’s something more. I loved Dru. She was in me, my world, my blood. Is that what you want Buffy? For me to pour myself into this, into us?” He waited for her to say something but the only indication he had that she was even listening was that she finally stopped trying to clean the counter. He felt fidgety and his hands needed something to do. Running his fingers through his hair, thankful that his left shoulder didn’t sting as much, he waited for her to say something.

“Buffy, I told you before that this was just something to pass the time and that someday love, you would grow to despise me. But you apparently didn’t care. Now, you’re asking me for something more without thinking. You’re a Slayer, Buffy. What will happen when you’re blood finally screams for my end? You say you need me? Why? I don’t know what Angelus exactly did to you, but I can imagine what it was. I’m not like the ponce and I know you cling to that. But when this is over, when Angelus is gone would you still stay with me?”

Buffy dared to look at him, trying to let his words sink in. She didn’t fully understand it. She felt no disgust towards him. There was no hate. Even when she knew he would go out and feed, it didn’t really bother her that much. She knew the prey he usually went after, the prey that fascinated him. He opted to go after the not so innocent, those with a pretty dark past. He once boasted to her that he could smell it on them and that the terror was sweeter when it came from someone that knew the darkness because they usually thought themselves to be invincible. Maybe this was what he was trying to tell her, that as the years progress, that it would matter to her. That maybe after they defeat Angelus that then it would all matter. “I .. I don’t know now.”

“And that’s okay.”, he said, moving closer to her and placing one hand on hers. “I care about you, Slayer. I have to, to put up with all the bloody nonsense you throw at me.”

At that she stuck her tongue out at him. “I don’t give you nonsense. Buffy makes lots of sense” she said pouting first then eventually giggled.

Spike smiled, happy to see the smile back on her face. At the back of his mind, he was relieved that they were off the subject. It was too confusing to think about human emotions. He had no need of them, right? Who are you kidding Spike? As much as he’d like to deny having any attachments to anyone, he knew he was knee deep in it. One hundred and twenty years with Dru was bliss beyond words. Everything about her made him euphoric from the way she’d kill and share her prey, to the way she’d tease him in bed. She was his goddess and now he was scorned. If he killed Angelus, she’d come back to him. That was the plan. But somehow the plan didn’t seem as exciting as it used to be. Killing Angelus was still a must, but getting Dru back was … well … "That’s not right. This was all to get Dru back, right? Why in the world would I be with a Slayer anyway.” But thinking about Buffy and feeling her warmth so close to him brought other notions into his head. He tried to shake the images that invaded his mind. It was just to pass the time, letting his demon bask in desires. He suddenly realized that his hand was on top of hers, his thumb absently caressing the back of her hand. He quickly pulled it away and took a step back.

“Problem?”

“Uhm … hungry.” he mumbled, as he made his way back towards the kitchen sink and his lonesome bag of blood. He took the bag in one hand, wondering if he could get something a little more appetizing. He looked out the window, and judged that he still had a couple of hours left before dawn. He tossed the blood back into the fridge then grabbed his shirt.

“Spike?”

“Going out. Be back soon.”

“But, it’s late.”

“Yeah, and you should be in bed, love.”, he said hurriedly putting his shirt back on then moving into the living room where he left his coat.

“You don’t have to go.”

Spike thought about that for a minute, knowing full well what she meant. Before her Watcher happened, he thought it was going to be a pretty good night. But now, with a wounded shoulder and human emotions threatening to drown both of them, he didn’t think it would be wise to stay. He shook his head, trying to get rid of images of her screaming his name. “Don’t think that’s wise, pet. Need blood and I’m not in the mood for the butcher special.” He headed towards the door, checking his pockets on the way there to make sure he got his keys. “Told you I’ll be back soon”, he said looking back at her. He caught the look in her eyes of wanting him to stay. “Not tonight Buffy, you don’t need me in your head tonight. And I have you in mine too much already.” He headed down the street to look for something to kill.