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Return to You by Thianna
 
16 - I Remember
 
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Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.

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Chapter 16 - I Remember

Buffy rubbed her hands together to keep them warm. Seeing this, Spike walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her from behind. He planted a soft kiss on her cheek, savoring the feel of her in his arms.

"You know I always wanted to take you out to watch the stars."

Buffy leaned into his embrace, smiling like a giddy school girl. "You are a romantic at heart."

"Just don't let anyone else know, love. I've got a reputation to protect."

"Spike, Buffy...we're ready." Arianna called from behind them.

Spike reluctantly released Buffy. "Guess it's show time."

They both turned to survey what was before them. They had driven all the way to Stonehenge and have been waiting for about an hour while Giles, Arianna and a young witch named Aislinn prepared everything they needed for the spell they were going to perform. Aislinn was more than just a witch. As Arianna had explained, she was somewhat of a seer and once and a while served as a conduit for the Powers That Be. The spell was two-fold. Aislinn was going to use her body to channel the Powers That Be, while Giles and Arianna were going to set up a barrier spell to make sure nothing would interrupt them.

Aislinn motioned for both Spike and Buffy to sit before her, while Giles and Arianna, took their positions a few paces away on either side of the couple.

"Love, you don't have to do this. I can do this by myself." Spike said turning to Buffy.

"I want to do this Spike. I won't leave you alone again.", she said looking at him tenderly.

"Careful Slayer. A guy might think you love him." he said reaching out to cup a cheek.

Buffy closed her eyes, and leaned into his hand.

"Buffy, if I ... if I don't come back, ... if this is it, I just want you to know that I love you. Always."

"I won't lose you Spike."

He only responded with a smile, then clearing his throat he took a deep breath then turned to face Aislinn. She nodded at them both and started chanting. Soon the runes they had written on the ground with herbs started to glow and her voice started to deepen. Wind was whipping Buffy's hair, but one could see that outside the circle, the night was still. Aislinn's eyes started to turn glassy as if she was staring into eternity.

"For what purpose has my child summoned us.", Aislinn spoke with an ethereal voice.

"I wish to know the truth." Spike spoke up.

Aislinn cocked her head in curiosity as her gaze took Spike in. "Souled one, why are you here?" Then she turned finally noticing Buffy sitting in front of her. "And the Slayer. The one that has changed the destinies of thousands. What is your business with us?"

"The truth. A year ago ... in Los Angeles ... "

Aislinn held up her hand signaling him to stop. "The Shansu prophecy has been fulfilled. You are not meant to be here."

"Yeah. I pretty much got that part. I need to know what sodding ... uhm ... what happened. Why am I not meant to be here?"

"The prophecy has been fulfilled. You were given the life that was taken from you. It was a gift, your reward, your humanity." Aislinn paused, looking from Slayer to demon and back again. "But it seems as if, something has called you here. Such a human emotion should not have touched you so, souled one. Then again, you are an abomination among your kind. We gave you life yet you choose to return here. Foolish demon indeed."

"What of Collin?"

"The turmoil inside you is not something we can erase. You're existence is proof of that. You already know the answers to all your questions and we have already said too much."

Aislinn closed her eyes, then slumped to the ground. The wind died down and then all anyone could here were the crickets singing in the dark of night. Buffy looked at Spike with concern. He stood up, obviously lost in thought as he muttered thanks to Giles and the two witches. He walked a couple of feet away from them, staring up at the night sky.

Buffy tentatively followed. "Spike?"

"Yes, love?"

"I hope that helped. "

"I don't know. I guess. I think I'm starting to remember."

"Uhm.. I'll go help Giles and them clean up." She said turning to leave Spike to sort out his thoughts.

"Buffy? Was I worthy?" He asked still staring up at the night sky.

"Worthy of what?"

"Everything ... Being your champion?”

“Of course you were! You were a champion. You closed the Hellmouth.”

“Was I worthy? ... Am I worthy to be with you?”, he let out a long sigh. “I didn't want redemption. I knew who I was and made no qualms about it. But when I hurt you … when I caused the one thing I cherished the most in this world pain, I felt … I knew … I knew I wasn't meant to be with someone as pure and as loving as you. So I did it. Got me a soul I did. Only to have it weigh heavily on me -- the things I've done, the lives I've taken. I knew you deserved better. But like a bloody ponce I still wanted you." He turned to look at her, his eyes searching for some semblance of understanding from her.

"They gave me back my life, wiped my slate clean, but it was all window dressing. I remember now. They gave me back my humanity. They gave me the chance to start my life over to live the life that I never got to because I died. But the demon in me didn't want to leave. So it hid itself inside me, dormant ... waiting. I was human. ... I was human again." Spike said in realization as all the puzzle pieces seem to fit now. "It was a good life, but somehow I always knew something was missing. It didn't seem like that life was worth it. None of it seemed worth it without you. The demon part of me, I guess the Spike part of me, lived while William slept, that's why he would dream. That was the only time I guess that I could come out. I guess that's the reason why William's dreams were all of my memories."

Spike took a deep breath. "All I had of you were memories which I relived in dreams ... William's dreams ... playing them over and over because I didn't want to ever forget you. I had to see you Buffy. ... Had to come back. ... Had to return to you. So I guess even in death, my second human death, I didn't find peace. I can remember other lifetimes now, other places where I lived inside, hoping that I would see you, the demon silent until ... "

"Collin .... " Buffy finished for him.

"Yes, Collin, my nephew, my descendant, my blood. I had no children in my human life, never quite finding the right woman to wed because there was only you. Collin came from my cousin Michael's family. They were the only family I had left. Collin had fire within him, he had yearning and I bonded with his soul, his soul so similar to mine. But I couldn't make my presence known. Then fate stepped in, and Dru called to me. Her deadly kiss awoke me, brought me to the fore. But Collin abhorred the vampire demon. He still does. As much as we are alike, he hates everything and anything I am except for one thing." Spike looked up at Buffy with love in his eyes. "You ... "

"He loves you, Buffy. I love you. I want nothing more than to stay here. But I know I'm not worthy. Was never worthy. But I got my wish. I got to see you again. I held you in my arms one more time." Spike shifted his gaze down, feeling a little embarrassed at this admission. He took a deep breath. "I think it's time for me to rest. Collin has had enough nightmares. Perhaps it's time I gave him peace." He sad with sadness in his eyes.

"Spike! I ... "

"I'll be here, always." He said cupping her cheek with his hand and lifting his eyes to look at her. "I'll smile when he kisses you. I'll be holding you close when he wraps his arms around you. Be kind to the little bugger. He's more fragile than he lets on."

"No. It would be wrong. It would be unfair. I refuse for you to kill a part of him. Don't you see? No matter what you say, Collin is who he is because of you. No matter how much you think he hates you, he's still a part of you and you're still a part of him." Buffy pleaded.

"He doesn't want me. He's lived cowering in fear of my shadow. He has to ... "

Buffy put a finger to his lips to stop him from talking. "Spike, have you heard nothing? You said so yourself you bonded with him, so in essence the two of you are the same person. You are worthy Spike, you were, are my champion. Why do you doubt that? Why do you beat yourself up?"

"I can never atone for my sins."

"You've saved countless lives when you closed the Hellmouth and even more when your fought
Wolfram and Hart. You need to let it go. You need to forgive yourself. You told me once to live. I'm telling it to you now."

Spike looked down on the ground, knowing she was right but he still felt guilty.

"You told me that I held your heart and your soul." Buffy said but Spike was about to protest, knowing those words didn't come from him. Buffy shook her head in response. "No, Collin said them to me, but I believe you were there too. Both of you laying your heart bare. Trust me? Let me be your sunrise." Buffy implored.

"So many sins, so many deaths. I’m a monster Buffy, not a man. You’ve convinced me enough times in the past. How can you be with a monster?"

Buffy was hurt for a moment at his words. She had said those words to him, used him for her own selfish purposes then cast him aside. She had mocked his affections, dismissed it as obsession until he went and sought his soul… for her. She couldn’t blame him that he doubted her. She had pushed him away but she was ready now… wiser now. "I believe in you and you are no monster. You fought beside me, went against your nature and saved countless lives. Do you still feel unworthy, Spike?" she said cupping his face with her hands.

"I ... it never feels like I've done enough."

"Spike ... Collin ... You need to let it go. Your guilt will destroy you. I think it's the guilt that's keeping your two sides apart. I know it's not easy but I believe in you. I know you can do it. You need to live, like you told me years ago. Please? ... " Buffy said, pulling him close and wrapping her arms around him tightly. "I'm here. I'll be with you. I'll help you live."

"Buffy ... I don't know if I ... "

"Shh ... I'm not going anywhere. I'm where I'm suppose to be."

Spike took in her warmth and her scent. This was all he always wanted. "Buffy ... my angel, my unicorn, ... My Lady of Summer." he murmured. "I found you."


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A/N: Just one more chapter to go which I will be posting tonight as well. It will be more like an epilogue I guess.
 
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