Spike was anything but stupid. Even though his head was spinning and his nerves were raw, he could do the math. They were facing long odds here. Not unlike the kinds of odds he faced in an alley on a rainy night, not so long ago.

There was no way. He had better odds making it to Heaven, if there indeed was such a place, than he had of finding her. He didn’t care.

“How many?” his tongue was slow to get the words out of his mouth because his mind couldn’t fathom it.

“Thousands,” the boy said, “each one with its own dangers. There’s no guarantee,” he shook his head, feeling a bit dizzy himself, “Finding her could take decades.”

Just like Buffy, he thought. He was now beginning to understand Willow’s dilemma. Spike still didn’t sanction it in the least. But, he understood it. The idea that someone that small could be caught up in Angelus’s wake of well- deserved agony, made his still blood churn with rage.

Spike gave a wry smile, “Those are the kinds of odds I like to play.”

Stephen Riley didn’t exactly understand what his visitor could find to smile about. He sat down heavily on his bed, careful to slide his textbooks out of the way before letting his knees unlock. He looked up at Spike incredulously, “Didn’t you hear what I said?”

Spike nodded firmly, “Every word.”

Stephen was confused. The vampire said he understood but he could still see the glint of determination in his deadly blue eyes, “How are you so sure I’ll find her?”

“The Conduit,” he said, “informed me that she is where your blood is. Your blood, whether you want it or not, is Angelus. That’s why I’m here. You take me to him, I’ll find her.”

Stephen could hear the steeled determination in his voice and nodded, “ All right,” he sighed, “I assume you have a start point? You’re not going at this blind,” his eyes narrowed at the menace that loomed in front of him, “Are you?”

“No. Not going in blind,” Spike said, flatly, “ I know someone who would open the gates if I asked her to,” the demon pushed forward to protect him as an unwanted memory flashed over his mind. Spike was inwardly impressed when he saw that the boy did not react in fear, “She’s done it before,” Spike admitted, “She might be…persuaded to do so again.”
*************************

The grey sky above him made him feel cold. This wasn’t the kind of cold that he was used to. It wasn’t the cold that came from borrowed blood. This was different.

Silas Vale had been right, there was something left for him to lose. And, sitting here, in front of tombstones engraved with names he knew too well, Angel knew now what that thing was.

And he knew the moment he lost it.

Hope.

Angel’s eyes ached from looking at the stone with his name on it. He rubbed his eyes, hoping the engraving would dissolve with his vision. He opened his eyes again, and the name didn’t change. He didn’t think it ever would.

“This can’t be real,” he sobbed, “It just can’t be.”

The voice that was, and had become, the bane of his existence, sounded in his ear. It was so close that the breath lanced through his skin and froze the tattered remnants of what was once a human heart, “I didn’t know you cared. And don’t worry, he never did. So,” Holland sighed, “your secret’s safe,” Angel could hear the smug confidence in his voice as he added, “Or maybe it’s not…a secret that is, since I know. But then again, I know a lot of things that others don’t, don’t I?”
*********************

OCTOBER 31, 2005 BRAZIL

Willow tried not to pay attention to the heat crawling up her skin as she tried to tell him how much she thought this was a very bad idea, “Spike, no. I won’t do it. And, I can’t believe you’re asking me to do this. I never thought you would, after what happened the last time.”

From the tone and venom she heard over the telephone line, Willow could tell that he was losing his patience with her, and probably talking around a set of very sharp fangs, “Willow, I am not discussing this with you anymore. You owe me. And, you owe Buffy. If you won’t listen to me, maybe you’d like to explain to Buffy why you didn’t do all you could to bring her daughter back to her when you had the power to help. I’m sure she would understand how your principles are more important than a little baby’s life.”

Willow could feel her tongue sticking to the roof of her mouth. Her mouth had gone dry with fear. How was he able to do that? Spike was thousands of miles away, and she could still feel his hand around her throat just as sure as if he were in the room with her. She could practically feel the cold flesh of his fingers around her neck as they squeezed the air out of her, “All right,” she felt her throat squeezing around the words, nearly cutting them off, “You win.”

“No, Red, I haven’t won anything,” Spike sighed, “ Jonina is still not here, where she should be.”
****************************

IN THE INTERREGNUM-

It had been eons since Buffy had seen that glint in Spike’s eye. It was a relief to see it, but it shouldn’t have been at Angel’s expense. “Spike,” she said, “you’re torturing him,” her lower lip crept out, “it’s not fair.”

There was a hint of hurt in his eyes as they turned on her, “Fair, Love? There are no boundaries here. I’m not doing a blessed thing to him. He’s doing it all for me. I’m just following his lead. And, when did he worry about fair?” his expression became serious, “He did things, Love. Things he never told you about.”

“I know,” she whispered, holding him tighter

“He did things,” he winced as he felt the bile searing his throat, “to me…that he can never, never justify,” he bit his lip, trying to keep the hurt down where it was buried, “If you ask me, this little masquerade is just me getting a little of my own back, is all.”

Buffy eyes him knowingly. She knew that this was worse for him than it was for Angel. Despite her husband’s bravado, she knew he was in pain.

He didn’t think she knew, even here, but she did. She remembered listening to him, when he thought she couldn’t hear him, tearing his heart open for her. Telling her about all the pain he’d been through on his search for Jonina. Everything he’d been through when she thought she’d lost him.

She remembered the pain. The haze of pain at the end wasn’t hers alone, “I know,” she said tenderly, “Just don’t forget whom it is you’re here to protect.”

“Always Love. Always,” he sighed, taking her scent in as he spoke.
***********************

SEPTEMBER 19, 2027-

Willow now understood why she was so drained. His mind was confused, not just because of the virus that he carried with him when he rescued their daughter. The reason what he was going through was so insidious was because part of him was fractured and straddling a number of different dimensions.

Buffy had said that this kind of thing had happened before, when he was under the thumb of Wolfram and Hart. But Willow really doubted it was as extensive then, as it was now. Right now, Spike’s aura was so tattered that there was very little left of him at all.

Her shoulders heaved in defeat. The pain she saw in Buffy’s eyes cut her like a knife, “Buffy,” even saying her name sent her heart into painful spasms, “There’s nothing I can do. He’s too far gone.”

Buffy shook her head in denial, “No! No, he’s not,” she felt the blazing tears choking her, “I won’t accept that. I won’t!”

Willow kept her head down, refusing to see the pain in her friend’s eyes, “It could be today,” she said softly, “It could be months from now, Buffy. But it will happen. There’s no way to stop it,” her own voice faltered, “If I were you,” Willow looked up to see the heat of hatred flash in Buffy’s eyes, “If I were you,” she repeated, trying to avoid being burned by her gaze, “I’d start saying my goodbyes.”
**************************