Chapter 19—Wing and a Prayer

Above the planet on a wing and a prayer—Pink Floyd, “Learning to Fly”

Xander listened to the story with a sense of déjà vu rippling its way through his mind. It surprised him to hear of Spike as a geek, but even more so that he couldn’t get the girl. Spike always got the girl, by hook or by crook.

Sometimes, there are things you hide from yourself until you’re ready to admit them, Xander thought as he listened.

He was jealous. Of Spike. Because he thought Spike was cool. His mind was perpetual high school, and Spike was the cool jock that got all the chicks and tormented Xander mercilessly. But this wasn’t high school, this was life, and Spike, by his own admission, was a geeky loser. Just like him.

“Whelp, you still with me?” Spike looked at the bleary-eyed youth sitting across from him, snapping his fingers in front of his eyes. Buffy would have his ass if the boy got hurt, brassed at him or not.

“’M still with you. So you were a geek too.”

“That’s one way of putting it. Cecily thought I was beneath her. Maybe I was.”

“Nope. You’re the cool guy that always gets the chicks, even if they don’t want you. I’m the zeppo. The loser.”

“What about Anya? You had her. You wanker, you had her and hurt her feelings. Now tell me, after sitting here an’ drinking the better part of a couple of bottles with me, am I such a bad bloke to be around?”

“Not so bad, for a vampire,” he found himself saying. Boy, did alcohol have a way of loosening your tongue….

“And in all the time you’ve known Anya, is she so bad?”

“She’s just so freaking blunt. God, a little innuendo goes a long way.”

Spike waved his hand, disregarding what he’d said. “But is she bad? If you had to put her on a badness scale of one to ten, is she bad? Where would she be?”

“‘Bout a one, truthfully.”

“Now, here’s the hard question. Why does a soul matter so much to you and Buffy? Is it like a natural chip that keeps you from doing bad things to people?”

“No, no, nothing like that. People do bad things whether they have a soul or not.” Even in his drunken state, Xander had a moment of epiphany. Souls didn’t matter. They didn’t keep you from hurting the people you loved. He’d hurt the women he loved more today than Spike had in the last four years combined.

His head banged the table in front of him. Again. And again. And Spike knew that he’d seen the light.

“Getting what I’m saying now, aren’t you? Demon girl hasn’t hurt anyone in years, but you make her feel less human because she isn’t sure she has a soul. I know I don’t, but I don’t hurt people anymore either. I can’t, I don’t want to, and Buffy wouldn’t like it. Having a soul doesn’t make you better than anyone. Its what you do to people that matters.”

“I am such a dipshit.”

“Won’t argue you there, whelp.” Spike pulled his head off the table, and looked into red-rimmed eyes. “Come on. I’ll help you get home, and you can talk to the ladies in the morning.”

He tossed some bills on the table for the liquor, and picked the drunken man up, slinging one arm over his shoulder. Spike took him to the empty apartment, and tossed him down on the bed to sleep it off.

Xander caught the edge of his duster as he turned to go. “Spike?”

“Yeah whelp—what is it?”

“Thanks. You’re not a bad guy—for a vampire.”

“Yeah. You’re not bad for a human, either. Get some sleep, then come to the house tomorrow.”

Xander heard the door close quietly, then it all went dark.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Buffy turned to him when he entered her room. “Awake, pet?”

“Yeah. You find Xander?”

“He was at Willy’s. Took him home, put him to bed.”

“He all right?”

“He will be. Eventually. Needs to grow up.”

He stood uncomfortably by the door, unsure of his place. Sure, they had taken this…whatever to the next level last night. He didn’t want her to think he was taking things for granted. The last thing he needed was a broken nose, if she stayed true to form.

He saw her hand reaching for him where he stood by the bedroom door. He didn’t realize how tense he was until he relaxed and reached back, touching her fingers. He stripped quickly and tossed his clothes nearby in a pile, then rounded the bed to slide between cool sheets and into warm arms.

She snuggled next to him, wrapping him in arms and legs and pulling him close, and his heart swelled with feelings he hadn’t felt in a long time. “So glad you’re home. I couldn’t go to sleep.”

He couldn’t speak past the lump in his throat. She pressed her nose against his chest, and surprised him completely with the next statement out of her mouth. “Tell me more about claiming.”

He stared down at the top of her head, and cleared his throat. “Well…what do you know?”

“Just a little. After—well, you remember Will’s ‘will be done’ spell? I looked it up…’cause you said something about it that one time…and all Giles' book said was it was part of the mating ritual between vampires. Didn’t go into much detail.”

Spike ran his fingers up and down her arm, and thrilled at the silken skin under his fingertips. “Well, it…binds us together…it’s a forever deal, Buffy. It can’t be undone, except by death. ‘Course, usually when one half dies, the other doesn’t last very long.”

“I know. I kinda thought it would be like that.”

“But I’ll be able to feel you and you’ll be able to feel me. Sometimes there’s telepathy. Sometimes you can even give your partner strength, or one partner can go without food for a time. Every claim is different, sweet. Just depends on the couple in question.”

She snuggled closer to him, and then a thought struck her. “I get it. Kinda like the Klingons on Star Wars—we leave a piece of ourselves in the other’s mind.”

“Actually, pet, that’s the Vulcans on Star Trek—but yeah, that could be a way of putting it. I’ll always be there on the edge of your mind for you, and vice versa.”

She sighed, and nuzzled his chest with her nose. “That would be nice. To always know where you are. Always have you with me. When can we do this?”

Spike looked down at her. Tired of seeing the top of her head, he reached out his finger and tipped her head to meet his eyes. “Buffy, do you really know what you’re sayin’? There is no going back. No erasing it. Never apart.”

She looked back at him, her eyes clear and steady. He was amazed at the amount of resolve in just the look in her eyes, much less the set of her mouth. “I’ve not told anyone about being there. It was light. I felt loved. Complete. I finished my job, and it was time to go Home, wherever it is that we go when we die. I…touched others. Knew them, by how they made me feel. I felt my mom. My mom, Spike.”

Tears threatened, but none spilled as she continued speaking. “I wasn’t happy like I should have been. Something was missing. Left undone. I knew it. I felt it. I should have said all those things to you that night, instead of just…staring. Holding back. Being afraid of how you made me feel. If for one minute I would have thought about you and me and being together when I was on that tower…. Spike, I would have let Dawn jump. I wouldn’t have stopped her. All I wanted was to be with you, and the rest of the world could have gone to hell for all I cared.”

He could only stare as she continued. “I felt all this pain and regret over something I didn’t do, and they felt sorry for me, I guess. I was drifting, and was drawn to a difference in this place. I saw things that were happening here, and it seemed to pull me closer. The thing that made me rocket on through, was the thought of you.”

She raised her hand to caress his cheek, and her eyes shined in the darkness. “I came here for you. I was fighting my way back to you. I had too much left to say. Too much left undone, and I got that second chance and I’m not wasting it. I love you. Yes, I want this, more than anything in the world.”

He was agonizingly mute, mulling over her words and regaining his equilibrium. Swiftly recovering, he snatched her closer to him and buried his face in her hair, inhaling her fresh scent and hiding his tears at the same time.

“God, Buffy, I missed you so.” She stroked his back, soothing him as he shivered against her.

“I missed you too. I’m so sorry, baby.”

She held him, silently rubbing his back as he calmed with her touch. He finally raised his head, and said, “Thank you. For telling me.”

“You need to know. I didn’t come back here for anyone else. Everyone else I could have left behind. Not you. Never you.” She ran her fingers through his curls, and smiled tenderly. “You needed me the most.”

“I do.” He looked at her earnestly, and she read the depth of his love behind those two simple words.

He avoided her eyes suddenly, and she frowned. She caught his chin, and pulled his face around to her. “What is it?”

“Does Angel know you’re back?” he mumbled.

She shrugged. “I wouldn’t know. I didn’t call him.”

He stared at her, open mouthed, and she giggled at the look on his face. “What? Did you just miss all that sweet, romantic stuff I just said? I worked on that, mister, and you’d better appreciate it.” Her tone belied the words, and the laughter bubbling in her voice as she tried to look stern.

He kissed her soundly, and said, “Oh, sweet miss, I did hear those kind words of love and devotion dripping like pearls from your succulent lips.”

She batted her eyes, and looked up at him through her lashes. “Oh Mr. The Bloody, you talk so pretty!”

He growled, and pulled her closer into his arms. It was late, they needed sleep, but they needed to connect more.