Kindred Series

Kindred: (noun) A group of related persons, such as a family, clan, or tribe.
(adj.) Having a similar or related origin or nature.






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BOOK ONE
JOURNALS & JOURNEYS
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Chapter Seven
Initial Reactions

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Buffy was completely shell-shocked by all she’d heard tonight. She had more or less accepted that Spike was gone for good even though Dawn had been insisting for months that he would be back. She knew better though…all the men in her life left eventually. Why should he be any different? And given the nature of their last encounter… She had been angry with him, but it had still surprised her when Clem had told her Spike had left town. She had assumed it was to get away from her and what had happened in her bathroom that night, and she didn’t really blame him for wanting to put some space between them, although they could have used his help in dealing with Willow… She had actually appreciated the gesture, in retrospect. She had not really wanted to be around him right then and she was glad he had given her some space, but she had also assumed he would return eventually and they would deal with what had happened. When days had turned into weeks and then months, she had been forced to re-evaluate that position…among other things. Now, learning where he’d gone and why after leaving Sunnydale…well this was just totally blowing her away. She was already well on her way to wigging out after seeing Dawn disappear through that portal earlier, but this would definitely clinch it for her. Okay. I’m having trouble breathing here. My head hurts and my heart hurts and it hurts to breathe. I wonder if this is what a panic attack feels like. Because I am definitely wanting to panic over here. Breathe, Buffy. Deep breaths. Air in, air out. That’s it. You can do this. Really, just because it feels like all the air’s been sucked out of the room at the moment, that doesn’t mean you can’t breathe.

Xander, on the other hand, was breathing just fine. No problems in that department. He was, however, still having trouble wrapping his mind around the concept that Spike had willingly sought out and fought for his soul…and had actually succeeded. Son of a bitch. Can you believe that? Who’d of thunk? If he didn’t think Buffy might have smacked him, he would have either whistled or burst out laughing hysterically when Giles had revealed this little fact to them earlier. He had thought better of it though, and since thinking before speaking was so rare for him…he’d actually listened to that voice telling him to keep his trap shut. Judging by the expression on Buffy’s face, he was guessing that had definitely been the wise thing to do. The subject of Spike had been taboo since a particularly explosive argument in the Summer’s kitchen back in June… an argument that had left him reeling from some of the things Buffy had said that day. He had learned things he had no desire to ever know. But, what had kept him respecting her wishes and not bad-mouthing Spike anymore since then was the small fact that what she hadn’t said scared him even more than what she had said. With this little revelation, he was terrified that all his deepest fears would now be confirmed. Jiminy Cricket. You know, I really wish that Spike had never come into our lives at all, and for oh so many reasons – not the least of which is that he slept with Anya! Yeah, sure he did… after he had been dumped and had his heart broken by Buffy and after you left Anya at the altar and crushed her hopes and dreams. Oh, but let’s not forget that there were large amounts of alcohol involved. Well, then there’s the fact that Spike tried to rape Buffy…although Buffy flat out told me that their relationship up till then had lead him to that point. What did she mean by that anyway? Oh, come on, Xander. You know better than that. Moment of truth and all that nonsense - or rot, as Spike would say. Buffy solves all her problems with her fists. If she can’t fix it with violence, then she doesn’t know how to handle it. She’s only been like that ever since you’ve known her, so what do you honestly think she meant? Do you really think she and Spike were all hearts and flowers when no one was around? Not likely. They’ve always fought in every possible way – physically, verbally... So, why wouldn’t that carry over into the bedroom? Okay, so not going there. Really not ready to deal with all this. It’s enough to comprehend that Spike went and got himself a soul willingly… Uh, huh. And just what exactly do you think it took for a vampire to want his soul back – especially one who had seen what Angel went through (which always sounded pretty nasty even if he did deserve it)? If you say it was because of his obsession with Buffy, well that really doesn’t fly too well since she was already sleeping with him without a soul. If you say it was because of what he tried to do to Buffy, then you have to admit that he must have felt guilty about it, and since when in hell do demons feel guilt? If you say it was just a passing fancy, well not even Spike is that crazy and he’s certainly not stupid no matter what you’ve implied in the past. So, what does that leave…and can you admit it? Go ahead, give it a go. And what if it was because he wanted to be worthy of Buffy? Well, you couldn’t even commit to a few decades – give or take – of married life with the woman you love, while this soulless demon could commit to an eternity of guilt and torment for the woman he loves. So what does that say about him and what does that say about you? Xander sighed and rubbed his forehead. He really hated that insidious little mocking voice in his head and he decided he’d be very happy if it would just shut up and let him lapse back into the ignorant bliss he had spent years enjoying. He suspected, however, that those days were long gone – perhaps even back before Willow tried to destroy the world with those black eyes and that veiny face (still featured prominently in his nightmares on a recurring basis) or before Buffy started sleeping with a soulless demon (Well, that doesn’t exactly fit him anymore, now does it? Oh, shut up already!) or before he had left his fiancé weeping at the altar or even back before they had brought Buffy back from the dead – oh, yeah, those days of ignorance and innocence were definitely long gone. He sighed again and wondered what the others were thinking about.

Giles was simply reviewing the facts that he’d shared with the others to see if he’d overlooked anything important. There were still a few points they had to cover before things would be sufficiently explained and they could move on, and he was not particularly looking forward to some of what he still had to share with his young charges, but at least Angel got to take over the tale for a bit now. That would give him a chance to regroup and marshal his defenses, because the evening was not about to get any more pleasant when the full truth came out. He breathed deeply a few times and tried to relax his tired bones. Cracking his knuckles, he glanced up and around at the others gauging their reactions thus far. Angel of course had been in the know also and was not surprised by any of what he’d heard. Anya was taking it all in stride, but she usually did. Quite pragmatic – that girl is, although that’s not technically correct since she is a vengeance demon again. I’m going to have to talk to her about that one of these days, come to think of it. Buffy was very quiet and had obviously been shocked by what she’d heard so far tonight, but she seemed to be handling it pretty well at the moment. That, of course, won’t last for long when she hears the rest of this sordid affair. But, that will come in due time, I suppose. Despite his run of annoying questions earlier when he wouldn’t let Giles properly tell the tale of the Tantric Scrolls, Xander was now being surprisingly quiet on the subject of Spike. I wonder what’s going on there. Buffy must have said something before now to shut him up…or perhaps Dawn. She was always fond of Spike and I’m pretty sure she would have continued to defend him to Xander no matter what he said. Oh, well, I’m just glad not to have to deal with his narrow-minded, pig-headed nonsense tonight. Be thankful for small favors, Ripper, and don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Of course, this is the Hellmouth, so I can only imagine what that horse would look like! Giles snorted softly at his own nonsensical train of thought and wished for a very large glass of scotch.

Anya had already processed what Giles had shared with them so far. The bit about Spike going after his soul didn’t particularly surprise her. He was nothing, if not determined. So, why wouldn’t he do that if he thought it would solve his romantic problems or whatever. Just one more example of someone who operated more on emotion and passion than on logic and reason. She personally had always prided herself on being far more practical than anything else. Of course the rest of the news wasn’t pleasant, but it wasn’t the revelation to her that it was to the others. As a former – and now once again – vengeance demon, she had heard of the Tantric Scrolls on more than one occasion. She knew with deadly certainty just how serious this topic was – having seen more than one individual meet an untimely and violent demise by invoking the mystical properties protecting the Tantric Prophecies. She had no intention of missing any of what was said this evening in regards to that subject and she was ready to teleport out of there in a heartbeat if it looked like Giles was going to implode for speaking any untruths. Although it would be a shame if he did implode or was otherwise maimed. He’s not bad looking at all for an older man…actually he’s rather rugged now that I’m really looking at him. And he’s quite a good kisser as I recall. Even though we were only briefly engaged after that one spell of Willow’s, I remember feeling very safe with him – secure, even. I’ll bet he’d be like that in reality, too. Bet he wouldn’t have left me at the altar like Xander did. Hmm. That may be worth investigating. A relationship with Giles is a rather intriguing prospect – quite a bit of potential, possibly large payoffs. Now, how do I go about getting to know him better? Anya’s quick mind got immediately to work figuring out the intricacies of this rather stimulating challenge and she didn’t spare another thought for Spike, Dawn or any of the others until Angel started speaking.

Angel had already heard what Giles had shared with the others and he knew what was coming next, so he didn’t need to take the time to adjust to any new facts, so to speak. He wasn’t particularly looking forward to the rest of the evening, because he had a pretty good idea of what Buffy’s reaction would be and he didn’t doubt that he’d shoulder the brunt of it, even more so than Giles, for a number of reasons having to do with his past with both Spike and Buffy. However, he knew what he needed to say and he was prepared for it. He wasn’t too concerned about what Xander or Anya was thinking at the moment. He didn’t know Anya beyond their brief interaction at the hospital earlier this evening and he had never cared what Xander thought about pretty much anything at all. He already knew how Giles felt, so that was a given for him at this point. However, he was well-versed enough in dealing with humans to realize that they needed this time to process what they’d learned so far. If they didn’t take time to at least begin to work through this now, it would make the rest of the evening that much harder for them to cope with in the long run. And he was well over a quarter of a century now, so he could be patient and wait for them to be ready to move on. So, he kept an eye on each of them, but especially on Buffy, waiting for the body language signs that would let him know it was time to move ahead with the rest of the story. In the meantime, he allowed his mind to dwell on Spike as it had been doing for the past few weeks. Beyond what any of the others here could possibly imagine, he had the clearest comprehension of what Spike had done, and it overwhelmed him on a daily basis. None of them could possibly conceive what it meant to be a vampire and live that kind of life for decades on end. To be so free to take what you wanted when you wanted and not to be governed by morals or ethics or any human laws or codes was something that had to be experienced to be appreciated. To willingly give up this freedom for any reason whatsoever was more than Angel could conceive. He had not sought out his soul. Rather it had been violently thrust upon him as punishment by the gypsies in Romania. Eternal torment for his sins against mankind. He would have gladly staked himself at any point in time, but the soul would not allow it. So, instead he wallowed in guilt and self-loathing, not really living – just barely existing. If it hadn’t been for Whistler’s intervention, he knew without a doubt that he’d still be living in alleys and eating rats to survive. He had to be shown the way before he could make a decision to become a better person and try to atone for his sins. Spike, on the other hand, made the decision to change – first by getting the soul and second by deciding to work to become more than what he was – and then he was shown the way. And that’s what got Angel the most out of this whole mess. Spike had seen what had become of Angelus after the soul was restored and had looked upon him with scorn and loathing. No way would Spike want to become like that – not for any reason. However, he had willingly chosen to seek out his soul, knowing what the battle would be like and that the journey afterward would be hard and never-ending. Angel knew about the events in Buffy’s bathroom that had jump-started Spike’s quest for his soul. Spike had told him everything when he had shown up in LA a month ago…and what a night that had been…full of all sorts of interesting revelations – on both sides…but that was neither here nor there. The fact was that Angel did not think that it was solely guilt that had driven Spike to get the soul. First of all, since when did any soulless demon feel guilt – especially one like Spike? Second, you don’t make a decision like that overnight, even if you are brash and reckless and tend to act on emotion rather than logic. Not even Spike was crazy enough to do that on a whim. He might do a lot of stupid things without thinking them through, but Angel had no doubt that when he decided to get his soul back, Spike knew exactly what he was doing.

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