Kindred Series

Kindred: (noun) A group of related persons, such as a family, clan, or tribe.
(adj.) Having a similar or related origin or nature.






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BOOK ONE
JOURNALS & JOURNEYS
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Chapter Nine
Spike’s Journal – Blurred Reflections

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Day 12

‘Kay. Where was I? Oh, yeah. After New York, Dru and I left the states and went back to England for a spell. Had a right pleasant time there as I recall. Then we headed back to Europe and spent the next few years traveling. ‘S funny, but I don’t remember being driven to find another Slayer during that time. Not that my appetite for the fight had been sated or anything. Just wasn’t as interested in that as I was in spending time with Dru back then. In retrospect, it’s almost like a part of me sensed that my days with her were numbered and drawing to a close. Didn’t actually know that back then, of course. Thought our love was truly eternal. We’d spent nearly 100 years together – just me and her - no Darla and no Angelus – by the time we encountered another Slayer. Certainly never thought she’d be our undoing, but she was – her and Angelus. When we came to the Hellmouth, I was looking for a cure for Dru after that damn mob in Prague had nearly killed her. I hadn’t left Dru’s side in months – always tending to her needs, doing anything I could to lift her spirits and distract us both from her failing health. I was so incredibly scared of losing her, but I was afraid that the illness would take her from me. I ‘d never have imagined how it really ended up going down. I’d never have wanted to.

I wasn’t particularly looking for any trouble when we got there, but I was itching for a good fight. I felt like a caged beast, and in a way I was. Imagine my surprise and joy to learn that the Slayer lived in Sunnydale. I felt alive in a way I hadn’t in years as I started dreaming of my next Slayer. I could taste it and it was a wonderful feeling. I’ve never felt more optimistic than I did when we first arrived in Sunnydale. Here was the place where dreams would come true – the restoration of Dru’s health and my 3rd Slayer. Unlife was wonderful. I couldn’t have been more mistaken.

The first time I saw the Slayer…Buffy…she was at the Bronze dancing with her mates. After the Annoying One informed me of the Slayer’s presence, I’d immediately set out to locate her and begin my surveillance. I wanted to draw this one out a bit. The other two had been rushed – find and confront, seek and destroy, fight and kill. I wanted to savor this one. So, I set up a test of sorts to see what I’d be up against. She was amazing even back then. She was sexy and beautiful, fiery and tough, witty and innovative. I think that the first moment when I saw her dancing was the beginning of my undoing, but I didn’t realize it then. She was swaying to the beat of the music and I couldn’t help but notice how erotic her movements were. I was attracted to her, of course, but that just heightened my anticipation for the upcoming battle, upped the stakes a bit if you will. Just caught that pun, unintended though it was. I’ve definitely been hanging around the Slayer too long. She’s rubbing off on me. She’s the one who makes all the quippy remarks, not me. I’m sarcastic blunt guy spouting truth no one wants to hear, not offbeat humor guy trying to get a laugh. Oh, well. Sue me. Anyway, she fought the minion I’d set up in the alley while I watched from the shadows. And it was a pleasure watching her fight. She had style and grace and I was twitching with excitement, salivating at the thought of fighting her myself. Our fight would be a deciding moment in my unlife. I just knew it. And it was… but not like I thought it would be. I stepped out of the shadows after she staked the minion, clapping loudly – and that threw her for a moment. She didn’t know who I was or what to make of me. I swaggered and blustered and told her I was going to kill her on Saturday. Got to give her credit though. If I scared her that night, she never showed it. And I left the alley looking forward to our next encounter, no doubt more so than she was.

Of course, patience never was one of my strengths. I showed up at her school during some Parent Teacher event a couple of nights before St. Vigeous, confident of my impending success. But fate had some surprises in store for me that night. First, Angelus shows up pretending to be happy to see me. I hear a noise and turn around, and there he is dragging some teenage wanker by the neck and heading my way. He’s vamped out and he smiles and acts all happy to see me, so I play along, clapping him on the back and everything. He makes out like the soul-having bit keeps the Slayer off his case, and then even goes so far as to offer me the neck of the kid he’s holding. It would be years before I’d realize it was Harris he had a hold of that night, and I still have to honestly wonder if he wouldn’t have let me bite him. He’s always hated the whelp, after all, soul or no soul. But I digress, as usual. I make as if to bite the kid and punch Angelus in the face instead. And let me tell you, that felt good. Even now, with my soul, I have to say that I truly enjoyed punching that bastard that night. Lying, bleedin’ ponce that he is… he actually thought I’d buy that tripe. Thought I’d swallow up the swill he was tryin’ to serve. Thought he could fool me like I was some fledgling. Apparently he didn’t know who I was anymore, who he was dealing with now. I was a Master Vampire, the Slayer of Slayers, William the Bloody, Spike, and I was my own man…one who hadn’t had to answer to him for many years and hadn’t missed that a bit. Was he in for a surprise or what? I told him off. Don’t remember what all I said to him that night, ‘cept that I let him know I could see right through him from the get-go. I do remember one thing I said though, now that I think about it. I told him “Demons don’t change.” Kind of ironic, now that I think of it.

Anyway, I set the minions loose on the poof and the whelp. They took off out the front door and I headed back into the school, looking for the Slayer. I found her and we exchanged a few barbs, sizing each other up – both of us self-assured and fearless. And we fought…such an invigorating fight. Even now I can remember every punch, every kick, every blow of that first fight I had with Buffy. It was exhilarating. And I almost won that night, too. I had her. I managed to get the upper hand, pinned her down and went in for the kill. I was so caught up in my victory that I never even saw the axe coming my way. Next thing I know, I’m sliding across the hallway clutching my head and there’s the Slayer’s mom glaring down at me, clutching that axe and telling me to get the hell away from her daughter. Never have I been more disgusted than I was at that moment. Bleedin’ women. ‘Course, now I look back on that moment with fondness. First time I ever saw Joyce and she impressed the hell out of me. Didn’t know what or who I was, wasn’t but a mortal woman, but she wasn’t going to let anyone hurt her child. Fiercest creature alive is a mother protecting her cubs – everyone knows that about animals, but I’d forgotten it was true about humans too...until Joyce reminded me, that is. And I knew I was licked that night. Knew I had no choice but to run away if I wanted to continue our fight…our dance…another day. So, I left. I went back to the lair to lick my wounds with Dru. Once I got there, I had to deal with the Annoyin’ One who was disgusted with my “rash” behavior. So, I fried the small fry…threw him in a cage and hoisted him up into the sunlight. Okay, okay. That pun was deliberate. I have been hanging out with the Scoobies too much. Damn. Anyway, I remember telling Dru that this was something different and unexpected – a Slayer with friends and family. Who would’ve thought? Not me. Slayers are alone – just them and their Watchers – always have been and should have continued to be as far as I was concerned. But Buffy didn’t do what was expected of her from Day One. Maybe that was what intrigued me most about her back then. Because I’ve never done what was expected of me either. Delighted in breaking the rules, I did. Kindred spirits we are. Alike in so many ways.

Unfortunately, the similarities we ended up sharing that year were not pleasant. We faced off many times and neither of us could seem to vanquish the other. That was frustrating – to both of us, I think. After all, I’ve beaten two Slayers, but I couldn’t beat her. And she’s beaten the Master (and he was one tough old bastard, too), but she couldn’t beat me. We were equally matched in too many ways and our differences balanced out to where neither of us could ever quite get the upper hand and keep it. And Angel was always around – the poncy wanker – always helpin’ the Slayer, getting’ in the way of my plans when she wasn’t, and always remindin’ me of the past and stirrin’ up my hatred of him, but also enflaming my longing for the family I’d lost when he left. Then, everything went to hell – literally. I got Dru cured, but ended up in a wheelchair for my troubles. Other than the fact that I was going stir-crazy sitting in that chair, it wasn’t too bad at first. Dru was strong again, stronger than I remembered her being…must have been that sire’s blood. Holds magical properties for vampires, it does. She took care of me like I had taken care of her for all those months. Even though she was crazy as a loon, she didn’t once forget to feed me or bathe me or dress me. And she was so loving and sweet to me – more so than she’d ever been before – that it almost made me forget about my useless legs. We stayed in Sunnydale for no other reason than to allow my legs time to heal. I couldn’t drive like that, and I’ll be damned if Dru or any other woman will ever drive my DeSoto. I’ve got lots of good memories wrapped up in that car and I’ll not have some fool female behind the wheel messing with my baby. Well, that and I wanted another shot at the Slayer after my legs healed. In the meantime, I was content to let Dru tend to me and plan her outlandish schemes of revenge...like the Judge, for example. Now I know it was beyond insane to put that bastard back together again and I never would have attempted it, but my beautiful black goddess wanted it and I wasn’t about to deny her anything. So, we had all the pieces gathered together at the warehouse and we put the bugger back together again. What’s the first thing the bloke does? After telling me and Dru we stink of humanity ‘cause we share affection, that is? I surely made certain he knew Dru and I were the ones to thank for bringin’ him back after he made that comment, let me tell you. If he hadn’t been in pieces for so long already, I don’t believe it would have mattered to him. He would have fried us both just as soon as looked at us. As it was, he toasted poor Dalton instead. And I liked Dalton, damn it. He was right amusing to have around, useful too with the translations, and he’d traveled a long way with me and Dru. I was sorry to see him go. Not Dru though. She just laughed at what the Judge had done and asked for more like a kid in a candy store. For one very brief moment, I wondered if she would have done the same if I’d been the one flambéed just then. Shook that off as soon as it crossed my mind. Just my own insecurities acting up there. Stemming from feeling helpless because of being in that bloody wheelchair, no doubt. Sure, Spike. Tell me another. Fool yourself some more. But no time to think of that then, because who walks in just then but Captain Forehead himself! And bugger me if I wasn’t actually pleased to see the ponce. At first I thought it was Angel and I’d get to see the Judge light him up like a Roman candle, which was rather a pleasant prospect. Then the Judge puts his ugly blue mitt on Angel’s chest and pronounces him to be “pure” and I realize that somehow, some way, this is Angelus returnin’ to the fold like the prodigal son. And I was actually happy about it - for a brief time anyway. Thought I was getting’ my family back. ‘Course, I also thought it’d be different this time around – new roles and all, given the years of separation and what I’d accomplished during that time compared to him. I had no idea he’d gotten even crazier ‘n Dru during that time. Don’t let anyone else ever kid you about that, mate. The Angelus that showed up that day wasn’t the Angelus I’d known before. I have some theories of my own about why that is, but I won’t get into that right now. Today I’m dealing with the Slayer… er, at least I’m workin’ up to doin’ so in a roundabout sort of fashion. Suffice it to say that this Angelus was a raving lunatic and an obsessive bastard. And I didn’t see it right off that night, but I surely would in the days and nights and months to follow.

I won’t go into all the details of those months that I lived in the wheelchair, watching helplessly as Angelus stole Dru right out from under me, while tormentin’ the Slayer and her friends with all his mind games. I’d watched him play those games with other victims in the past, so it shouldn’t have bothered me. But it did. I knew even then that something wasn’t right about him. He was too obsessed with Buffy. Not that I have room to talk there, but everything he did was so extreme and had a maniacal edge. I thought it would pass, just chalked it up to the bugger having been caged up for so long, but it didn’t pass. I guess that’s why Acathla didn’t come as all that much of a surprise to me in the end. Angelus trying to steal Dru, now that I kind of expected. He’d always just taken what he wanted in the past, and Dru was his Childe after all. I knew he’d try to take her again. I just never thought she’d want him. Never thought she’d go back to him. Not after he left us. Not after the way I treated her. I gave her everything he never did, never could. Love, tenderness, adoration… I worshipped her, my dark goddess. And the bitch dropped me like a hot potato for her “daddy” who treated her like an animal, using her any way it pleased him to do so, torturing her, pleasuring her, paining her… paining me. And god, it hurt. It hurt so much to watch her fall all over herself whenever he was around. She didn’t betray me right away when he came back, but it didn’t take long at all, now did it? Can’t believe that it still hurts so much after all this time, but it does. She chose him over me. I hated him for that more than I’d ever hated anyone before. I wanted to hate her too, but I couldn’t. I still loved her too much. I tried to pretend for a while, because I was still stuck in that wheelchair and couldn’t do anything much about it. So, I tried to pretend that it wasn’t happening, but I couldn’t keep up the charade. My legs may have been broken, but my eyes and ears and mind worked just fine. I knew what was going on, what he was doing with her behind my back. And it wasn’t long before he was flaunting it in front of me. And she didn’t even have the grace to be ashamed of her betrayal. She’d just smile and look pleased that “the boys were fighting over her”… Stupid, bloody bint.

Really, it was that whole bit with Dru that did in Angelus in the end, and sealed my fate too. The Slayer would have come after him eventually… even if Acathla hadn’t made it crucial at the time. I wouldn’t have ever gone along with that whole “ending of the world” bit no matter what. I meant it when I told the Slayer that I like this world. Always have – mortal or immortal – always will. But I don’t know if I would have been able to go against Angelus like that. I’d defied him before, of course, but this was out and out betrayal. I formed an alliance with the Slayer and waged war on my grandsire on his turf. And that’s something you just don’t do in vampire culture. You don’t betray family. Even after he’d deserted us in the past, I still don’t know if I could have stood against him if he hadn’t taken Dru away from me. I probably would have just drugged Dru and run off with her. She was thrilled with the idea of waking up that bloody stone demon. Crazy bint. So I definitely would have had to have knocked her out in order to drag her sorry arse out of there. But Angelus had to go and steal her away from me, so it became personal. It was about revenge at the end. I told the Slayer the night I went to her that I was talking about putting Angel in the bloody ground and I meant it. At that point, he meant nothing to me. I had never hated anyone more in my life or un-life, and I truly hope I never have reason to hate anyone like that again. My hatred was thoroughly justified, though. He brought that on himself. I’ve never regretted going against him that day. Yeah, I got to help save the world (big whup), and I got Dru away from him and back with me where she belonged (yeah, like that would last). But the absolute highlight of that day for me by far was - and always will be - the sheer pleasure of beating Angelus over the head with that tire iron. Nothing has ever felt as good as that did. Not even my battles with the Slayers. Those were fair fights with mortal enemies, but none of them had ever hurt me personally. Angelus was personal – very personal. And I thoroughly enjoyed beating the shit out of him. If Dru hadn’t attacked me when she saw what I was doing to her precious daddy, I would have killed him… eventually. I would have prolonged the pleasure by taking out my anger and hatred on him at least a little bit longer, but then I would have killed him. Saved the Slayer the trouble, Acathla never would have opened, and I would have had the extreme pleasure of sending Angelus straight to hell myself. But instead I had to deal with Dru. I actually had to knock her out in order to take her out of the fray. Once she was out cold, I picked her up and left. I looked over just once before I walked away, and saw Angelus ready to run the Slayer through with his sword. I realized then that he was really going to kill her. And I just shrugged it off and continued on my way. Figured it wasn’t my problem. Held up my end of the deal with the Slayer, after all. I backed her up when she made her move like she wanted. And I got what I wanted – Dru and me a free pass out of town. Had no idea at the time just what that ‘free’ pass would actually end up costing me.

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