Kindred Series

Kindred: (noun) A group of related persons, such as a family, clan, or tribe.
(adj.) Having a similar or related origin or nature.






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BOOK ONE
JOURNALS & JOURNEYS
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Chapter Ten
Spike’s Journal – Hindsight is 20/20

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Day 13

At this rate, I might still be here with the Crispins come Christmas. Took me all day yesterday, 2 bottles of JD, 3 packs of fags, and more nausea than I’ve felt since I was human…and all I managed to cover was up through Acathla. The problem with all of this is that the memories are just too much, and each memory triggers another. Things I’d forgotten years ago keep popping into my head – victim’s faces, how much I enjoyed killing, bloodlust… and the screams. The screams are the worst of it. I can hear them all the time now…not just in my dreams or my memories any more…they’re a part of my waking awareness. Like they’re just bordering on my consciousness at all times…like hearing an echo that won’t die away. And it’s not just one scream, now is it? Oh, no. They’re plenty of them to choose from…so many…so very many. I know I deserve this, I really do. I certainly never felt any remorse back then, so it’s all stored up for me to overdose on now. And I know I brought this on myself, both by my past actions and my choice to get a bleedin’ soul… but I had no idea how hard this would be. Unlike the poof, I was a decent bloke before I got turned. I was a right poncy wanker, no doubt, full of poetry and the beauty of life. And I was a right stupid git at that, becoming so enamoured of Cecily that I left myself wide-open emotionally for attack the night she rejected me, never even considered the possible dangers…not once…but still, I was a good man. I tried to be a good person, to treat others right, and I was a gentleman… unlike Peaches who was a drunken whoring lout all along. Realizing what I became afterward… after I was turned… and that I reveled in every bit of it… it’s just making me sick is the only way to put it.

Vampires don’t get sick…I know that, but humans do. And I definitely seemed to have picked up that particularly disgusting function very well. I’ve thrown up at least once every day and most nights too…when the memories get especially brutal. Must be my nerves doin’ all that, I reckon. I was a bit of a nervous man when I was human – in social settings, anyway. I can remember how upset my stomach would get at times. This is a hundred – no, a thousand times worse. At this rate, I’m going to be a complete wreck long before I sort this all out. Find me cowerin’ in darkened rooms staring at the walls or somethin’… kind of like I was doing last night. Humph! I just might be able to give Ol’ Broody a run for his money after all if I don’t pick up the pace a bit on workin’ through things. Not that I’m broodin’, mind you. I’m still in the serious reflection mode… contemplatin’ where I’ve been, what I’ve done, what comes next. Oh, bloody hell. Who am I tryin’ to kid? What I’ve spent the past few days doin’ can’t be classified as anything other than brooding. First I’m a stupid ponce who falls for an uppity bitch who totally snubs me and leaves me feelin’ like my world just shattered. Then I run out into the dead of night and end up gettin’ myself killed and manage to throw away the decent life I actually had over a bleedin’ woman. I wake up as a vampire and totally reject everything I ever believed in so I can re-make myself… prove myself to my new ‘family’ who’re a real messed-up lot. I spend a century crazy in love with a nut job who leaves me for the wanker who left us years before. I go against my kind and my nature to make an alliance with my mortal enemy to save the bloody world and get back the woman I love who so obviously didn’t love me. After humiliatin’ myself countless times tryin’ to get her back and keep her for good, I get myself kidnapped by freakin’ soldiers who take away my bite. So now I’m helpless – a vampire who can’t feed. How much more pathetic can I get? I’ll tell you how much… I go to my enemies for charity, I end up helpin’ the do-gooders in their battle against my own kind, then I fall in love with the bleedin’ Slayer of all people, and now I’ve gone and gotten myself a soul, and I’m broodin’ just like the big poof. Well, that just takes the cake, don’t it? All I need is a bottle of hair gel to attain that oh-so-poofy look he has going, and I can officially become my wanker of a grandsire. My life, umm unlife, er re-life (?) that is, has really just become too pathetic for words. I just know someone up there is laughin’ at me about all this. Hope the buggers are good ‘n amused. Can’t say I am, although I have to admit that I can see a certain irony in this whole situation. Well, enough of the pity party. Put the rest aside for now, Will, m’ boy. Let’s see if I can’t manage to work through some more of my humiliatin’ existence today. So, where’d I leave off last? Oh, yeah, Acathla. Y’ know, he was one ugly bugger now that I think about it. That stone statue was the definition of fugly. Probably even worse in livin’ color. Don’t know why I thought of that. It just struck me. Get back on track, mate. Focus now.

So… after I walked away and left the Slayer to fend for herself with Angelus, I took Dru and headed to South America. I thought we could just put Sunnyhell behind us and start over. I thought she’d forget about him and I’d have her all to myself again. I always was a fool when it came to love. Guess nothin’ much has changed in the past century there. I’m still a fool for the woman I love and I’m still buildin’ up hopes based on fantasy. A fantasy is all it ever was for me to think things would be okay with Dru after we got away from that place… away from him. She couldn’t forgive me for sidin’ with the Slayer and betrayin’ her and her daddy like that. And she couldn’t let go of the memory of her precious Angel. I think she actually liked the 2nd version of Angelus better ‘n the first ‘cause he was as crazy as she was that time around, maybe even crazier. Huh, imagine that. I tried everything I could to woo her back and for a time I thought I was actually going to succeed. Hah! Like any of my bleedin’ plans ever succeed. Or at least since I first set foot in Sunnyhell, they haven’t anyway. Before then I pretty much got what I wanted when I wanted it, come to think of it. I knew I dubbed that place “Sunnyhell” for a reason other than it being on the Hellmouth. That place has been my personal hell in more ways than one. And it’s followed me since I left there, tainted everything else with its poisonous touch. Like me ‘n Dru.

That was over the day Angelus came back. I should have seen it then. Maybe I did, but I sure couldn’t admit it to myself. I tried everything I could to hold on to her. Gave her all kinds of presents and everything I thought she could possibly want. Not one bleedin’ thing worked. And it was killing me - seein’ her flirt like I wasn’t even there. It was bad enough her swoonin’ over that bugger, Angelus. At least there was some kind of a history there, Childe/Sire bond, whatever. I could come up with something to rationalize it away if I thought hard enough. This was just plain non-discriminatin’ and highly insultin’ to me. She’d flirt with whoever and whatever caught her eye… just to spite me. I knew she was doin’ it deliberately to get back at me for that alliance with the bloody Slayer, but I really thought that all she was doin’ was flirtin’ with those others. Never thought she’d actually act on it and put out. Then I caught her with that Chaos Demon, and my insides twisted up and clutched at me. I couldn’t believe it when I realized she had been spreadin’ her legs for that disgustin’ sod. So, I reacted in my usual suave and mature manner. I flipped out on her totally. Pulled her off that slimy demon. Screamed at her in the middle of a public street in Brazil. Gave her an ultimatum, I did. Told her that I didn’t have to put up with that and I was leavin’ if she didn’t stop. And she let me go. That hurt more than anything else. She didn’t try to stop me at all. She just let me go. Like I told Joyce, she didn’t even care enough to chop off my head… kill me proper. No, she’d rather leave me to suffer. I remained in quite a drunken haze for some time after that, as I recall.

Got so drunk I actually headed back to Sunnyhell. Still not sure why I did that. Wasn’t anyone or anythin’ there I wanted to see. Just a bunch of memories of some buggered-up times. Still deludin’ m’self with fantasies, I guess, though. ‘Cause the first place I headed after I got in town was the factory. Spent some time cryin’ over what we had, what we lost, how we’d been happy there. Never mind that Dru was still quite ill the greater part of time we spent there or that the Slayer was repeatedly kicking my arse back then or that I was subsequently confined to a wheelchair. Damn it anyway. At least there were no doubts in my head of her affection for me back then. Could still believe she truly loved me and only me at that time. Even if I was foolin’ myself back then, well… at least I didn’t know it. Faulty logic, I know, comin’ from someone who’s always confrontin’ others with unpleasant truths. Sometimes though, you just want to believe the lies ‘cause they provide some form of comfort. ‘Cause sometimes the truth is too cold to handle, even for the undead. So, I relived those memories of our ‘happy times’ before the Slayer and Angelus ruined everything. Well, really he ruined everything, but I had to blame her for bringin’ him back, now didn’t I? That train of thought eventually led me to the next stop on my trip of 1,000+ painful memories and I ended up at the mansion on Crawford Street. And what do I see there? Angel lookin’ right at home sittin’ by the fireplace with a book! Made my stomach turn to see him lookin’ all comfortable and content when I was in so much pain. Gave me one more reason to hate him. Wanted to kill him. Not exactly anythin’ new there. Might’ve actually tried to do it that night too, ‘cept that I was so drunk and bleary-eyed I could hardly stand. Ended up trippin’ over somethin’ or other in the garden and passin’ out, I did. Woke up the next morning with my head pounding and my hand on fire. Now that thoroughly pissed me off. I have never in my entire existence as a vampire failed to get under proper cover before the sun comes up. I am foolhardy at times – some might say – and I’ve certainly taken my fair share of risks that put me in mortal danger o’ bein’ dusted, but I had never been suicidal. I could have easily burnt up that mornin’ if the walls hadn’t been so high as to control the angle of the sun’s light. And that just ticked me off no end…even more than the fact that the flesh on my hand was smoldering and my head was throbbing, I was pissed off that Angel was sittin’ all cozy in his bleedin’ mansion while I could have died in that blasted garden. And would he have cared? Not bloody likely. Probably would’ve danced a jig to learn of my demise. Certainly know I would have danced on his grave with much mirth and merriment if the situation were reversed. Back then I can honestly say I would have chosen his death over anyone else’s - the Slayer’s even, and that’s saying a lot - especially if it was by my hand. ‘Course… he’d still be my first choice now, even with the soul. Good to know some things don’t change.

Anyway, back then I just wanted to do something, anything, to make him hurt like I was hurting. And death would have been way too quick and not nearly painful enough. I wanted him to really suffer. So, I headed through the sewers to some magic shop downtown to see if I couldn’t get him a suitably horrible curse. Come to think of it, that was the same magic shop that Giles ended up buying a few years later. Talk about a small world. I was looking for something hideously appropriate for that wanker – leprosy or boils or some such rot – when Red came in looking for ingredients for a spell. Listening to her and the shopkeeper talk gave me the idea to have her cast a love spell to get Dru back. Once I latched on to that idea, I forgot all about the Grand Poofster. All I could think about was getting Dru to love me again. Like most of my ideas since I first arrived in Sunnyhell, this one was a total bust. Nothing went right. Went to kidnap the witch and ended up having to bring that whelp along for insurance. That was downright annoyin’ too, seein’ as how I had to knock him out first and then he was nothing but dead weight to lug along. And the bugger actually had the nerve to bleed on my leather duster. Took me forever to get that out. Red agreed to cast the spell for me after I scared her a little. That was actually a right bit o’ fun. Red’s got spunk, she does. She was scared I’d bite her, but she stood up to me anyway. Right amusin’ to be honest. ‘Course she needed some spell book that was at the Slayer’s house, of all places, and that was one place I had most definitely not planned on going. On the bright side, I got to see Joyce, and she won a permanent spot on my top 10 list of Classiest Women Ever that night, let me tell you.

When I showed up at her kitchen door, she wasn’t even afraid. She knew what I was all right, but she didn’t see the monster. She saw the man…the man who was in pain. She greeted me, made me hot chocolate, and listened to me go on about Dru. Don’t think anyone’s ever listened to me like Joyce did – not before then and certainly not since then. But Angelus had to show up and seein’ the stupid git scared Joyce. Got to say that I did enjoy the fact that I was inside and he was no longer invited apparently. Enjoyed taunting him with that, I did. For all of two minutes, anyway. Then the Slayer showed up and ruined my fun, invited the ponce in and threatened to stake me like she always did. (Still does, actually. That’s another thing that never seems to change.) Not like I would have done anything to hurt Joyce. Angelus – oh, most definitely - but not Joyce. She treated me decent and that deserved the same consideration in return from me. Right before the Slayer showed up, I briefly considered going outside to whale on Angelus for a bit so I wouldn’t mess up Joyce’s kitchen. I respected her too much for that. But I was having fun taunting him. Anyway, when the Slayer showed up, she accused me (correctly) of having taken her friends. So, we all 3 left together – me, the Slayer, and the Poof – but only out of necessity. I wouldn’t tell her where her friends were till after I got my spell cast and she wasn’t about to let me out of her sight till she knew they were safe. Turned out the ponce was all soul-havin’ again, so he tagged along, all noble-like and looking out for the Slayer. Right! Like she needed him lookin’ out for her. She’s so much stronger than he is on any given day of the week. I didn’t find out till later on that night that he wasn’t up to full strength. Somethin’ about havin’ come back from Hell recently or some such rot. If I’d known that earlier, I just might have whupped his arse after all. Now that would have been immensely satisfying. ‘Course, I still have the satisfaction of knowing that the bloody bastard spent years in a Hell dimension being tortured. Can’t believe they let him go. Now what kind of git gets hisself kicked out of Hell? That’s where they torture and torment for all eternity. But no, they sent him back after only 200 measly years of suffering. Didn’t understand that at all for the longest time. Later found out that the Slayer sent Angel to Hell – not Angelus. Well, that certainly explained a right good bit. Only Angel could be so tiresome, so self-righteous, and so annoying that not even Hell demons would want him around. They were probably ready to end their own existence by the time they got rid of him. Too bad that not even 200 years in Hell could remove the corncob that’s permanently shoved up his arse. Wonder what it’d take? Most definitely a topic that requires some serious narcotics in addition to much, much alcohol before pondering. Not up to that at the moment. So, back to the real topic at hand – my disastrous trip to Sunnyhell.

Anyway, the three of us made our way back to that magic shop to get the ingredients the little witch needed for the spell. We got what the supplies and I had the opportunity to impart some of my infinite wisdom to the Slayer and the Poof, not that they appreciated it, mind you. But what did the two of them ever know about love… or friendship, for that matter? Tryin’ to tell themselves and everyone else they were just friends. Bollocks. Saw right through them in 2 seconds flat, and didn’t hesitate to pop that balloon. Seein’ Angel’s expression fall made it worthwhile, too. In retrospect, think I might have hurt the Slayer with m’ words that night, but I wasn’t overly concerned with that at the time. Just wanted to get in what licks I could and be on my merry way as soon as possible. I actually got everything I needed for the spell when we were waylaid by a band of insolent minions. Some wanker wanted to make sure I didn’t cause him any grief, make sure I got the message and got out of Dodge pronto. Bugger that. I’d never backed down from a fight and I wasn’t about to start then, ‘specially not considerin’ that a few of those punks were former minions of mine. Humph. Talk about misplaced loyalty. ‘Course the odds were slightly against me, so a well-timed reminder to the Slayer regarding the safety of her friends ensured her support, and the Poof just had to look good in front of her, so he joined in the fray too. Now that was one fun fight. Honestly have to say that the Slayer, the ponce and I made a damn good fighting team. Not that I wanted to be on their team or anything like that, but we did fight well together. We had all fought against each other individually and side-by-side enough in the past that we knew what to expect. The three of us together were like a well-oiled fightin’ machine. Not quite, but almost as beautiful a dance as me and my Slayers put on. Had a good bit o’ fun that night. And it served to clear my mind. Sod the spells, sod the drunken whining and most definitely sod the moping. I was going to be a man of action again and do what it took to get Dru back. Made up my mind straight out about that and left that damn town feelin’ better than I had in ages.

And my plan was actually successful for a change. I found Dru, chained her up, and won her back. And for a time I was happy. Thought my luck had finally turned around again. No more Angel, no more Slayer, no more Sunnyhell. Just me and Dru livin’ the good unlife. That was the way of things for a while anyway. Then the other shoe dropped, and kicked me in the gut… in the head…and in the heart. She cheated on me again! This time she hooked up with a Fungus Demon! Nasty bugger! Don’t know why she had to humiliate me by finding the most disgusting creatures she could to flaunt herself with, but she did. Then she had the nerve to say it was my fault because I was ‘all covered’ up by the Slayer. The Slayer! I honestly didn’t know what she was talking about. I tried to tell her so. I tried to tell her that’s why I left Sunnyhell and forgot about my dreams of killing my 3rd Slayer – for her, all for her. She wouldn’t have any of it though. Kept telling me that I ‘tasted like ashes’ and she had to move on. So, I moved on, too, or at least I tried to anyway. Didn’t waste a bunch of time getting drunk this go-round. Already been down that path and knew where that ended up. Decided to take some action this time. That’s what I’m good at, after all. ‘Course all my paths apparently lead to Sunnyhell, because that’s where I ended up… AGAIN! Really wasn’t intendin’ on it, last place on earth that I wanted to go actually, but ostensibly the cosmic forces conspired to get me back there. Want to find the Gem of Amara? Guess what? It’s in Sunnyhell. Want to kill another Slayer and cement your reputation as The Big Bad for all eternity? Guess what? You’ll find her in Sunnyhell. Want to hook up with some bimbo you can shag senseless and not care for at all? You’ll literally trip over her in – guess where? pause for response – Sunnyhell, of course. So, I have come to the conclusion that the Powers That Be want me in Sunnyhell if for no other reason than that no where else on earth have I been repeatedly embarrassed, humiliated, and had my butt kicked beyond belief and still been stupid enough to keep coming back for more, than in good ol’ Sunnyhell, USA. Stupid soddin’ hellmouth.

Object lesson #1 – the Gem of Amara. Truly a noble goal for any vampire. And a very smart angle for me, I might add. Used my head for a change. Dru thought I was covered over and all around with the Slayer. Bugger that. I’d show her. Prove her wrong. Put off killing the little chit for way too long anyway, I had. Too many truces with the mortal enemy. Not the natural order of things at all. This time it would be different. No matter what I’d tried before, something always happened to give her an edge. Didn’t matter what it was…something always got in the way of me killing her. This time I wouldn’t fail, but given my track record… the only way I could figure to ensure that was to get hold of the Gem of Amara. I’d always suspected it really did exist. Old Dalton had been convinced of it and with all the texts he read, I figured he would have been the one to know for sure. With that little token, I would be invincible. No way the Slayer could defeat me if I had that in my corner. So, I took the time and the trouble to seek out its location. Ran in to Angel of all blokes in the process. By this time, he was livin’ in L.A. The City of Angels… no irony there. None at all. He could have gone anywhere when he left Sunnyhell and that’s where he chooses to settle! What a bleedin’ nance. Always got to make a statement no matter what he’s doing. As usual, encountering him left a foul taste in my mouth. With that bitter tang coursing through me, I cruised into Sunnyhell determined to find the Gem of Amara so I could whip the Slayer’s scrawny little arse from one end of town to the other and back again.

Might have actually been successful this time around if I wasn’t thinkin’ with the wrong head again. That’s gotten me into almost as much trouble as bein’ in love has. Somethin’ about women – sex or love – just seems to spell out my doom no matter where I am, who she is, or whether I’m dead or alive at the time. Could have stayed focused on my plan. Could have found the Gem and surprised the Slayer when her guard was down, but no! Things just don’t work out that way for me, do they? ‘Course not. ‘Stead I go and find this vapid little vampiress, Harmony, and hook up with her. She just never shut up and I wasn’t ever interested in a single thing that chit had to say. Stupid little bint, but a lot of fun in the sack. And that’s what I wanted at the time – meaningless sex. After the heartbreak that was Dru, I wasn’t looking for another relationship. I just wanted someone to shag, and Harmony fit the bill nicely. Looking back, I can honestly say that I could have been a hell of a lot nicer to her if I’d even barely tried. She was a right annoyin’ little bimbo, no doubt there, but she didn’t deserve half the shit I gave her. Used her, that’s what I did and didn’t care one bit at the time. Kind of feel guilty about that now. I know I said and did a lot of things that hurt her feelings that first go-round. The 2nd time we hooked up briefly, she knew exactly what she was getting herself into and it was mutual. We were just using each other at that point. But the 1st time she was with me… well, she thought she was getting a boyfriend and I just wanted a good lay. Not that I ever lied to her or claimed to be her boyfriend in any way, shape or form. I didn’t promise her anything and I never told her I loved her. In point of fact, I made it quite clear that I didn’t care one whit whether she stayed or left. But I hurt her none-the-less, and I know it. Can’t pretend that if I was standin’ next to her right now that she wouldn’t get on my nerves just as much as always with her meaningless chatter and her inane logic, but I’d like to think I might not be as mean to her as I’ve been in the past. Might actually try to be nice to her and not hurt her feelings all the time. Argh. I really am becoming a poof… just like my wanker grandsire. I just wanted to get a soul – not become the poofster junior!

Anyway, more on the soul later. Let me lead up to that, ‘cause I think this is actually working. I’m feelin’ more inclined to deal with certain issues by coverin’ things what led up to ‘em in the proper order. Know I’ve been ramblin’ ‘n goin’ off on tangents ‘n all, but that’s me. That’s how I think. And it’s not like anyone’s ever gonna read this other ‘n me, so what do I care if anyone else can follow along or not? Now where was I? Oh yeah – obtaining the Gem of Amara. Like I said, if I hadn’t hooked up with Harm, my plan might have actually worked. I was focused on my goal till then, diggin’ and minin’ in the tunnels night and day till I located the proper crypt. But then I allowed myself to be distracted by Harm’s whinin’ about wantin’ to go out and how I hadn’t taken her to bloody Paris yet and how she didn’t want to be cooped up and on and on and on. It just never stopped and I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to do something to shut her up and sex was only a temporary fix. Besides I could use a break, I reasoned. So I agreed to take her to some soddin’ party. And that’s where we ran into the Slayer – literally ran into her, that is. She was with some co-ed toff. Could tell he was no good the moment I laid eyes on him. Know his type, I do. Apparently she didn’t though. More on that later. Anyway Harm and I took off in a right hurry and the Slayer followed us outside. We fought briefly - with no clear victor, as usual. Then the bitch brought up Dru. Had the nerve to ask if she’d dumped me again. Didn’t matter if it was true. Wasn’t none of her business anyway. Wasn’t like I had brought up Angel. Then bloody Harm had to go and confirm the little bint’s suspicions. I decided to beat a hasty retreat before she actually managed to do something that would hurt me. But, no, Harm has to open her big mouth and sound off about how we were gonna find the Gem of Amara and how she wouldn’t be laughin’ then. I tried to get her out of there right away, but the damage was done. The Slayer knew about the damn gem now. So much for the element of surprise.

I actually found the crypt where the gem was located shortly after that. Happy day indeed, but Harm kept gratin’ on my nerves while I was lookin’ for it… goin’ on and on with her nonsense about Paris… so much so that I staked her. Or rather I tried to, but she had put on the Gem of Amara without realizin’ it and the stake had no effect on her. Needless to say I ripped that ring right off her finger (and I certainly wasn’t gentle about that), told Harm to get lost, and went lookin’ for the Slayer. Found her in the quad at the college makin’ a fool o’ herself over that same tosser I’d seen her with couple of nights before. Had myself a front seat to her humiliation. Heard the whole thing, I did. When the Slayer found him, the wanker was busy puttin’ the moves on some other chit…feedin’ her a line of bull that’d be hard to miss unless you’re a stupid bint. Apparently the Slayer had fallen for it hook, line and sinker though, ‘cause she walks up to him askin’ him what’s goin’ on. Why hasn’t he called her? Why’s he talkin’ to this other girl? Did she do somethin’ wrong? That last one really got to me. Made me sick to my stomach. Bad enough to fall for a line and have a one-night stand without recognizin’ it for what it is. Not that I’ve got a problem with one nighters. If both parties are willin’ it can be a lot of fun. ‘Course I haven’t engaged in too many of those m’self. More of a one-woman man, I am. And the one time I did indulge recently, there was hell to pay…literally. But I’m not ready to deal with that just yet. Get back on track, mate. Plenty of time for that stuff later. Not like you’re going anywhere just yet.

Right then, where was I? Oh, yeah. So, I’m watchin’ the Slayer debase herself - grovelin’ before this tosser who wasn’t worth her time to spit on him, let alone sleep with him. And it pissed me off, though I didn’t pay it much attention right then. At the time, I simply waited for her to get done makin’ a fool of herself. And, oh, she did a grand job of it, too. Practically beggin’ him to call her. Questioning him if all she was to him was fun. And don’t forget askin’ him if she’d done something wrong! I wanted to shake her and yell at her that he’s the one with the problem, ya stupid bloody bint – not you! What’s wrong with women that they can’t see through men when they pull that crap? Didn’t realize how insecure the Slayer was till that day. ‘Course I also didn’t care all that much back then how she felt. Just cared about how I felt. I was thoroughly pissed at what I’d just witnessed. How dare she give herself over to a tosser like that and then make a fool o’ herself over him? She was better ‘n that. She was the damn Slayer, for cryin’ out loud. And no way should she be wastin’ herself on blokes like that tosser or the poof either, for that matter.

Should have recognized my anger for what it actually was – jealousy. Even back then my feelings for her were giving me trouble, and I didn’t even see it. ‘Stead, I chalked up my ire at her as pent-up frustration over having waited so long to kill her and then bein’ delayed by something as stupid and trivial as what I’d just had to witness. So, in my usual tactful manner, I attacked her – both physically and verbally. Punched her in the face and insulted her over what I’d just seen and heard. That got her attention all right. Dried up those tears right fast. She sat on the ground lookin’ up at me in the sunlight and it clicked that I’d found the Gem of Amara. If she hadn’t known about it in advance, she might have retained that cloud of shock a little longer, givin’ me more of an edge. But once it registered, she went into Slayer mode and the fight was on. It wasn’t up to par with our past fights, though. It was obvious that her game was still a bit off due to that run-in with the college prat. She was totally on the defensive – no fiery attack or witty little quips or snide insults. She wasn’t puttin’ her all into it and that annoyed me no end. How dare she deny me my just due because of some worthless wanker? I’d been waitin’ years to kill her, and I’d be damned if I’d do it without a proper fight. So, I opened my mouth and started tauntin’ her. Figured if I could piss her off enough, she’d go on the offensive and give me a real fight…an honest battle…the fight I deserved as her mortal enemy, unequaled peer, and the one challenge she had yet to best…as I had yet to best her. Well, I succeeded in pissing her off all right. Took it a bit too far, as usual. Wasn’t enough to tell her how she’d fallen for that sod’s line and that she had to be stupid to do so. Wasn’t enough to imply she was easy, although I knew better. No. I couldn’t stop there, could I? Had to bring up the poof, didn’t I? And that threw her over the edge. She flat out attacked me with a rage I had never seen in her before or since. A primal force she was that day. It was actually quite breathtaking to behold. Unfortunately it also meant I was out-matched. She kicked my arse quite magnificently. Then she took the ring away from me! That was downright humiliatin’ as hell. Bad enough to get my arse whupped when I was supposed to be invincible. Worse than that is to have the weapon of invincibility stolen so I don’t even get a chance for a bloody re-match. Worse still is havin’ to run for a sewer when your skin is startin’ to smoke after the bloody Slayer steals said weapon. Even worse still is knowin’ you may never again get another chance like that. But the worst of all is havin’ that hunch prove to be correct. ‘Course, I wouldn’t discover all that till much later. At the time, that was just a passing thought that I disregarded as being irrelevant. I left town for a bit after that. Headed up to Los Angeles figurin’ the Slayer would give the Gem of Amara to her bloody knight in shinin’ armor. Figured right, too, I did. What I didn’t figure on is that the ponce would be stupid enough to destroy the gem rather than use it himself. Wouldn’t hold on to it even to help him out on his “holy quest” to redeem his worthless arse. What a tosser. So, that was a wasted trip, except for the small but enjoyable fact that I got to torture that information out of Angel. And as I have indicated already – several times in fact – nothing in my life or un-life has ever given me as much pleasure as bringing pain to Angel to repay him for all the pain he’s caused me over the years.

After my unsuccessful jaunt to L.A., I returned to Sunnyhell. And this brings me to Object Lesson #2 – the Initiative. Only in Sunnyhell would it be even remotely possible that the U.S. military would set up a huge government lab underneath a bleedin’ fraternity house whose sole purpose is to capture demons and experiment on ‘em. And only in Sunnyhell is it in the cards that I – Spike, William the Bloody, Slayer of Slayers, and Master Vampire Extraordinaire – would be captured by this same outfit my very first night back in town. Hadn’t even been to check out my old lair yet when I got zapped by some bolt of electricity and knocked out. Woke up in a glass cage – trapped like an animal. I was some kind of angry when I touched that glass and got zapped for my efforts. Realized I wasn’t getting out any time soon and that didn’t set too well with me at all. Pissed me off a fair piece when the bloke in the next cell – ‘cause I really was in jail, now wasn’t I? – tells me not to drink the bagged blood that just fell out of the ceiling like manna from heaven ‘cause it’s drugged. I’m starving, but what choice do I have? Then he tells me he was runnin’ from the Slayer when he got caught. That made me furious. I had actually stopped to observe her fightin’ some stupid fledgling, when I got captured. I figured she had somethin’ to do with me bein’ caught too. And that just wasn’t right. I deserved to be challenged on the battlefield like a worthy opponent – not shot from behind with enough juice to knock out an elephant and then locked in a cage like a rat. Where was the honor in that, I ask you? After I’d calmed down a bit, the wheels in my mind started turning. I may be rash at times, but I’m not stupid. I knew that in order to get out of that place, I’d have to fake them out and get ‘em to release me from that cage. So, I played like I was unconscious when they came for me. Let them get me up on the table even, before I made my move. Didn’t know what hit ‘em at first. Enjoyed seein’ the looks of surprise and fear in their eyes, I did. But it was touch ‘n go for a minute there. If I hadn’t let that other bloke out of his cage, I can’t say I would have made it out of there in one piece. But he served his purpose as both a tour guide and a decoy, so I could make good my escape.

Never been so glad to see the sky as I was that night. I didn’t waste time lookin’ at the stars though. No telling where those soldier boys might be or if they were lookin’ for me right then. So I beat it out of there post-haste and made for my old lair. Couldn’t believe it when I walked in and Harm was still there. Figured she would have split after I’d tried to stake her a while back. But she hadn’t. And then she actually had the nerve to try and stake me! I was so taken aback that she almost got me, too, but I managed to sweet talk her. Then I took off after the Slayer. I wasn’t wastin’ any time planning or plotting or thinking this time. The injustice of being captured and treated like a guinea pig was weighing heavily on me and I wanted nothing more than to make her pay for what I’d been forced to suffer through. ‘Course, at that time, I had not a clue as to what they’d actually done to me or how much more sufferin’ was yet to come my way. I was just focused on finding the Slayer and dishing out some greatly deserved retribution for my most recent disgrace. Locating the little chit proved easy enough, but when I got to her dorm room, the only one there was Red. Meant I had to wait for the Slayer, but also meant I got to have me a little snack before-hand…or possibly a little bit of fun. I mentioned before that Red had impressed me with her spunk. I meant that, and because of that, I offered her a choice – be dinner or be turned. Didn’t think she’d opt for bein’ turned, but you never know, and Red probably would have made one interestin’ vampire. ‘Course I never got a chance to find out, because that was my first encounter with Intiative technology at its finest. When I went to bite the little witch, this blinding wave of pain swept through my head practically paralyzing me. I howled out loud at the indignity, the frustration, the pain and the utter degradation of this happening to me… me of all people, er vampires. I deserved better ‘n that, but I didn’t realize then what was actually happening. Thought it was me. Never even considered that the soldier boys had done somethin’ to mess with my mind. Never thought anyone could be that cruel – not even the government. Should have known better.

Anyway, my night just went downhill from there. Tried to shake off what had happened and attempted to bite her again. Same result. And then again. By now I was both furious and depressed at the same time. What was happening to me? I was a bloody master vampire and only 126 years old. Red was kind of sweet that night now that I think about it. She actually tried to comfort me and excused my ‘inability to perform’ for lack of a better term. That’s right humorous now that I look back on it. Me tryin’ to kill her and her tryin’ to make me feel better ‘cause I couldn’t. That actually warrants a well-earned chuckle or two. ‘Course, at the time, I wasn’t in the mood to be molly-coddled and I blew off her well-meant attempts at comfort. Guess I need to thank her for that when I get back. We actually had a conversation of sorts that night and she was the first human I think I’d actually related to other than Joyce since I’d been turned. I didn’t lend too much credence to that though at the time and it didn’t last too long, because the little witch came to her senses belatedly and bashed me over the head with a lamp tryin’ to escape. Took me off-guard, it did. I ran after her, a bit peeved now and not lookin’ to lose a potential hostage in dealin’ with the Slayer. I caught up with her about the same time the lights went out and we hit the door and went tumblin’ out in the hallway. And who should be waitin’ for us out there but the soldier boys!?! Unlife, mine anyways, is quite unfair at times and this was definitely one of those times. I forgot about Red and lashed out with my fists at the soldiers. I just wanted to get out of there before they captured me and took me back to that damn lab again. I couldn’t even punch one of them without that same agonizing blast of pain shootin’ through my blasted skull again. They got the drop on me and I was thinkin’ that I was done for though I was still strugglin’ …barely. Then the Slayer shows up and proceeds to kick their arses up one end of the hallway and down the other. Never thought I’d see the day when I’d be glad to see her, but I didn’t stick around to voice my thanks. (That’s someone else I owe thanks to when I get back. Damn. This is going to get tiresome real fast if my bloody conscience wants me to go and thank everyone who’s ever helped me. Then again, not too many folks have ever wanted to help me out that I recall, so that shouldn’t take too long after all.) I got the hell out of there as fast as I could, still sporting a splittin’ headache that all the Tylenol in the world wouldn’t cure.

Didn’t see the Slayer for another couple of weeks after that, and I have to say those were some of the worst days of my very long unlife. I wandered around town with nowhere to go and no one to turn to. I couldn’t feed. Every time I tried, the pain set in and knocked me on my can. I had figured out that something was done to me back at the lab, but I had no idea what or why they would do that. Why bother to keep someone alive if you were only settin’ ‘em up to starve to death? Didn’t make any sense. Surely they weren’t planning on letting me go. Were they planning on watchin’ me waste away – see how long it took and what it looked like? That’s unbearably cruel to even contemplate. Makes my skin crawl even now to think about that possibility. Not even Angelus, who truly enjoyed torture, would have done that to someone. I will forever be grateful to whoever answers the prayers of the likes of me that I didn’t have to stay there and find out. Back then, though, I was practically delirious with hunger. Never been as desperate for help before in my whole time as a vampire as I was then. I wasn’t desperate when I went to Buffy to stop Angelus from openin’ Acathla. I was determined, but not desperate. This time when I went to her and her pals for help, I was nothing but desperate…and maybe just a wee bit furious that I had been forced to stoop and ask for her help. And maybe more than a bit peeved at the damnable folks who would see fit to take away a vampire’s bite. And possibly just a bit aggravated with the cosmic forces who decreed I would be that vampire. But mostly I was just wretchedly desperate. I was so hungry I thought I might pass out before I got to the Watcher’s house that day. But I made it there in one piece, more or less, and they let me in…after I threw out a couple of tidbits about the commandos and what they’d done to me, that is. Got to give them credit for not trusting me right off the bat. Former truces aside, I wouldn’t have trusted any of them if they’d showed up on my front doorstep either.

I’m not in the habit of takin’ charity, mind you. Knickin’ stuff is one thing, but havin’ to accept charity is totally another. But I swallowed my pride back then, and put up with their lot o’ nonsense. Put up with bein’ chained in a tub, drinkin’ pigs blood from a novelty mug. (And “Kiss the Librarian”… Who bought that stupid thing I’d like to know? And who’d own up to it?) Have to admit that I was grateful they took me in, all mortification aside. But I wasn’t about to let on too much to that fact. Never hear the end of it from the bleedin’ Slayer, now would I? I think not. Thus began a brief (but seemingly endless) time of me bein’ shuffled about from the Watcher’s tub to his living room to Harris’ basement (which was undoubtedly one of the most degradin’ experiences of my very long unlife). No one should ever have to look at Harris in his boxers. Made me lose my appetite, it did. Then he had the nerve to expect me to be some kind of conscripted laborer or something. Spike, do the laundry. Spike, fix the leaky pipe. Oh, yeah, and Spike… pick up the place while you’re at it. Right miserable I was at that point. Harris made it perfectly clear to me that I was no longer a force to be feared. I just about cried that day when I realized that he was right. I was worthless…pathetic…a vampire who couldn’t feed…just a waste of space. I had lost Dru, had lost my ability to eat or fight, had to depend on the kindness of others to survive. I had no reason left to live. I came to this rather disturbin’ deduction as I was actually doin’ the laundry and tryin’ to fix the leaky pipe in Harris’ basement. I’m no bleedin’ plumber. What was that all about anyway? I couldn’t even do laundry. Shrunk my outfit and had to wear some of Harris’ nancy-boy clothes. Took one look at myself in that get-up and knew I couldn’t live like that. So, I decided to stake myself. Rigged up a stake all proper-like and after a few fittin’ words of farewell, I threw myself on it prepared to go out for good. ‘Stead the stupid table I’d propped the stake against gave out under my weight and I ended up in a tumble on the floor. Wouldn’t you know that Red and the Whelp would walk back in right then and witness me in that most pathetic state? Again Red made with the sympathy, wantin’ to help me and stop me from stakin’ myself. (Damn. Have I ever once thanked that girl for bein’ a friend to me? Guess I’m just as ungrateful as I think the whole lot of Scoobies are…well, other than Dawn, of course. Lil’ Bit always thanks me.) The whelp actually offered to do it for me, acted offended that I didn’t wait for him even. Like I’d lower myself to that. I should have gone out in a blaze of glory on the battlefield pitted against a worthy opponent – not tryin’ to stake myself in some loser’s basement apartment. Actually, it was Harris’ offer that got me movin’ again and stopped any silly notions of endin’ it all. Was not about to give him or the Poof or the Slayer or any of my other enemies the satisfaction of me goin’ out in shame like that.

So, I swallowed my humiliation (not any pride left at that point that I could find) and left to go see about a possible apocalypse with the two of them. Was kind of hopin’ it might really happen this time and end my miserable existence, when I actually got some good news for a change. I kind of got dragged into the fight against my will at some point and this demon was just whalin’ on me. I got fed up and struck back, decidin’ it was worth the pain. Guess what? No, pain! Oh, happy day. I could fight again. Granted I could only fight demons – not humans – but I could fight. Smiled for the first time in weeks at that and launched into the fray with a joyful laugh. Don’t believe any of the Scoobies had the slightest idea what that discovery meant to me. Probably still don’t and never will. They have no idea what violence means to a demon. They just don’t comprehend what it’s like to have something inside you that craves violence and has to be fed. If you don’t feed the demon, if you don’t satisfy that hunger, then it starts to feed on itself eventually…on you. That’s what happened to Angelus, you know. That idiot Angel knew all about the demon, but once he got his soul he started acting stupid. What’s wrong with him anyway? You can’t just pretend the demon isn’t there, because he is. You can’t think you can lock him in a cage and just throw away the key and forget about him. Because he isn’t going anywhere. He’s still going to be there when you come back. And the longer you leave him unattended, the madder he’s going to be. Angel left his demon locked up for nearly 100 years, and he was mad as a hatter when he got out. No way was I intendin’ to end up like that wanker. So, this discovery that I could indulge my ‘violent tendencies’ was truly joyous news. Violent tendencies! Humph. Stupid soddin’ humans have no clue. Think the violence is a choice. It’s not. It’s a requirement to feed the demon – just like blood. It’s necessary to live and do more than just survive. Anyway, enough of the ignorance of humans on that subject. Not like I’m particularly inclined to re-educate them on that matter anyway. But to me, the realization that I could hurt demons – fight, defend myself, attack, whatever – that was the best news I’d had since I’d found the Gem of Amara a couple of months back and we all know how that turned out. So, suffice it to say I was thrilled with this bit of news. There didn’t appear to be any loopholes to my salvation and I was ready to embrace it. That knowledge gave me the motivation to get back out on my own and I gladly moved out of Harris’ basement. I set up shop in a sweet little crypt I found with sewer access so I could get around easily during the day. It was a bit of a fixer-upper to be sure, but it was mine and it felt good to be my own man again. And on that positive note, I think I’ll wrap up for today and go join Michell & Ruth for dinner.

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