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Letters To Spike: Exposition
September 6, 2005
Dear Spike,
I think about you at the oddest times.
I was heading to Berlin last week on a train and I saw a bleached blond head at one end of the car. My heart slammed against my ribcage so hard that it actually hurt. Could it be you? I caught myself before I called your name, and had to remind myself that you were gone, that you died to save us. I miss you.
I felt hot and nauseated after that so I leaned my head against the window and watched the countryside go by. Germany is pretty. If I could live there, I would. I never thought that I’d get to travel all over the world, but this is my new calling and I’m happy to escape. It’s hard sometimes to be around everyone because it just reminds me of all that we lost. We lost everything. I lost you.
I fell asleep on the train and I dreamed about the last night you held me. I’ll never forget the way you wrapped your arms around me after that horrible nightmare or the way you smelled ... so masculine and *safe*. I was safe in your arms for the first time in my entire life and I woke up feeling so rejuvenated because you had been there and we had shared *something*.
I love you. I will love you for the rest of my life. And I’ll never, ever fall again.
The new Slayer I picked up in Berlin is called Soonyee. She’s even smaller than me. And she’s a powerhouse, too. I think you'd like her. She put Faith in her place right when we got back to Italy which suited me just fine.
Faith and Robin are making us all sick with their googly puppy dog eyes. Who would have thought that she would wind up getting a guy?
I’m so over the whole being in love thing.
I hope Willow gets that freaky sixth sense thing and says, “I see Slayers” so I can leave again. I don't like being here around everyone. If one more person asks me if I'm okay I'll probably kill them.
Buffy
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September 9, 2005
Dear Spike,
I got a call from someone who is working on the excavation committee in Sunnydale. I didn’t even realize that there was an excavation committee or that there was anything to salvage, but I’ve been wrong before.
They found Mom’s coffin. Whole. Intact. And they identified her body through dental records or DNA or whatever they do to bodies.
Her body.
As I stood on the edge of that big, gaping maw that had been Sunnydale, I thought briefly about how sad it was that I wouldn’t have a gravesite to take flowers to on her birthday or for Christmas. I went there a lot ... every single day for a while. I couldn’t stand the thought of her headstone beind dirty or weeds growing above her, dominating her.
I talked to her a lot, too, but then I started to find myself going past her grave and into your crypt and I’d tell *you* all the things I wanted to tell her. You really understood when you weren't trying to jump my bones. Not that I really minded the whole jumping part, but you knew *me* and you *got* me. More than anyone ever has.
The core group is going to Los Angeles tomorrow. Giles found a place in a cemetery that Mom used to take long walks at and we’re going to lay her to rest there. I hate to think of her being jostled around or prodded and poked by techinicians trying to identify her. It seems wrong and like it’s a violation of her right to peace.
But I’ll have someplace to take flowers now and it helps my heart to know where she is. I miss her.
Why do people I love always die? Or go away?
I don’t ever want to love again. No, scratch that ... I will *never* love again. I’d rather not suffer that inevitable pain that comes when they leave and they always do.
I’ll get through this somehow.
I just haven’t made up my mind how yet.
I feel so numb and so out of it that I’m not even sure it’s real.
I've been hiding my feelings for so long that I don't even know what they are anymore. The only time I was certain was when I told you I loved you, but you didn't even believe me.
I wish you could be there to help me get through this. I thought that losing mom would be something I'd go through once, but I have to relive it.
I need you.
Buffy
Dear Spike,
I think about you at the oddest times.
I was heading to Berlin last week on a train and I saw a bleached blond head at one end of the car. My heart slammed against my ribcage so hard that it actually hurt. Could it be you? I caught myself before I called your name, and had to remind myself that you were gone, that you died to save us. I miss you.
I felt hot and nauseated after that so I leaned my head against the window and watched the countryside go by. Germany is pretty. If I could live there, I would. I never thought that I’d get to travel all over the world, but this is my new calling and I’m happy to escape. It’s hard sometimes to be around everyone because it just reminds me of all that we lost. We lost everything. I lost you.
I fell asleep on the train and I dreamed about the last night you held me. I’ll never forget the way you wrapped your arms around me after that horrible nightmare or the way you smelled ... so masculine and *safe*. I was safe in your arms for the first time in my entire life and I woke up feeling so rejuvenated because you had been there and we had shared *something*.
I love you. I will love you for the rest of my life. And I’ll never, ever fall again.
The new Slayer I picked up in Berlin is called Soonyee. She’s even smaller than me. And she’s a powerhouse, too. I think you'd like her. She put Faith in her place right when we got back to Italy which suited me just fine.
Faith and Robin are making us all sick with their googly puppy dog eyes. Who would have thought that she would wind up getting a guy?
I’m so over the whole being in love thing.
I hope Willow gets that freaky sixth sense thing and says, “I see Slayers” so I can leave again. I don't like being here around everyone. If one more person asks me if I'm okay I'll probably kill them.
Buffy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
September 9, 2005
Dear Spike,
I got a call from someone who is working on the excavation committee in Sunnydale. I didn’t even realize that there was an excavation committee or that there was anything to salvage, but I’ve been wrong before.
They found Mom’s coffin. Whole. Intact. And they identified her body through dental records or DNA or whatever they do to bodies.
Her body.
As I stood on the edge of that big, gaping maw that had been Sunnydale, I thought briefly about how sad it was that I wouldn’t have a gravesite to take flowers to on her birthday or for Christmas. I went there a lot ... every single day for a while. I couldn’t stand the thought of her headstone beind dirty or weeds growing above her, dominating her.
I talked to her a lot, too, but then I started to find myself going past her grave and into your crypt and I’d tell *you* all the things I wanted to tell her. You really understood when you weren't trying to jump my bones. Not that I really minded the whole jumping part, but you knew *me* and you *got* me. More than anyone ever has.
The core group is going to Los Angeles tomorrow. Giles found a place in a cemetery that Mom used to take long walks at and we’re going to lay her to rest there. I hate to think of her being jostled around or prodded and poked by techinicians trying to identify her. It seems wrong and like it’s a violation of her right to peace.
But I’ll have someplace to take flowers now and it helps my heart to know where she is. I miss her.
Why do people I love always die? Or go away?
I don’t ever want to love again. No, scratch that ... I will *never* love again. I’d rather not suffer that inevitable pain that comes when they leave and they always do.
I’ll get through this somehow.
I just haven’t made up my mind how yet.
I feel so numb and so out of it that I’m not even sure it’s real.
I've been hiding my feelings for so long that I don't even know what they are anymore. The only time I was certain was when I told you I loved you, but you didn't even believe me.
I wish you could be there to help me get through this. I thought that losing mom would be something I'd go through once, but I have to relive it.
I need you.
Buffy
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