*~*~


Angel watched as Spike yanked his jacket off, tossed it at the hook on the wall and missed it by a mile. Spike proceeded to stomp the leather for a good minute before kicking it across the room. "Rough night?"


"Piss off." Spike walked across the room and snatched up a bottle of rum. "Aren’t you supposed to be at that thing with Nina? Why are you skulking about?"


"It got cancelled. And this is *my* office where I can skulk at will." Angel leaned against his desk, studying Spike as he gulped down half the bottle. "You saw her, didn’t you?"


Spike glared at him, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "You knew she was coming?"


"Yeah."


"And you didn’t tell me?"


"No. How did you find out?"


"Willow called and said Buffy needed me."


Angel’s jaw tightened. "I see."


Spike shook his head. "No, you really don’t. They let her open that fucking coffin and look at her mother."


"They what?" Angel pushed away from his desk, standing tall. "Is she okay?"


"Giles said she went into shock." Spike took another long sip from the bottle. "It didn’t help that she turned around and saw me standing there."


"Well, that was brilliant." Angel didn’t let him reply. "Where is she?"


"I left her there."


Angel’s eyes blazed with anger. "You left her there? Alone? You are a fucking idiot sometimes." He snatched his coat from the hook and slipped it on. "I guess I have to clean up your mess as usual."


"Oh, aren’t you just the knight in shining armor, off to rescue the maiden."


"If you were going to ask me why I didn’t tell you she was coming, you just answered it yourself."


Spike threw the bottle across the room, narrowly missing Angel’s head. "You didn’t have to tell me. The ones who know her best apparently figured out what she needed. And it wasn’t you."


The intercom system on Angel’s desk beeped loudly and Harmony’s voice filtered into the room. "Angel, are you in there?"


"What is it, Harmony?" he asked.

The sounds of a shuffle could be heard and then the door to Angel’s office was slammed open. Buffy gazed at both vampires for several moments, then held up the stake, looking pointedly at Harmony, who had attempted, in vain, to block her entrance. "Leave or I’m going to target practice."

"Oh my god! I’m too young to die!" Harmony squealed. She walked backwards, carefully sidestepping Buffy and shutting the door behind her.

"Hello, Buffy," Angel said with a smile. "How are you?"


"Don’t ask me how I am," Buffy snapped. "How do you think I am?"


"Mad as hell?" Angel asked, his smile widening as she narrowed her eyes at him.


"Understatement of the year," she fired back. "Quit standing there grinning like some kind of idiot before I jam this stake up your ass! And you-" she turned her attention to Spike. "How could you not call? Not write? Not do *something*?"


"I thought-" Spike began.


"Well, that was your first mistake. Spike and thinking are unmixy things! It’s official. I hate you both and I plan on tying both your asses to a cactus in the desert to watch the sun rise! That way you can die together and I’ll kill two annoying fiends with one sun!"


"You been reading a book on clichés lately?" Spike asked innocently. "Or is that really the best you can do?"


"Shut up!" Buffy snapped. "Right the hell now."


"I take it you’re upset." Spike held his hands up in mock surrender. "Listen, Buffy, I wanted to call you, but Angel here put a curse on the phone. My dangly bits would have rotted off if I had tried."


"You’ll have to do better than that!" Buffy told him, her hands on her hips.


"How about … he wouldn’t give me your number?" Spike shrugged innocently. "I tried to torture it out of him."


Angel snorted. "Like you could ever torture me and live to tell about it."


Spike smiled. "Just yesterday you said that living with me was pure torture and yet, here I am. Still here. Not dead."


"Shut your mouth! I swear to god, both of you are on my list." She waved the stake menacingly, but both vampires could see the smile she was fighting to contain. "I can not believe this day."


Grinning, Spike caught the hand that held the stake, pinned it behind her back, and hugged her properly. "It’s good to see you, too, love."


Buffy hugged him tightly with her free arm. "You still smell the same. Insanely gross."


"So do you." Spike replied, closing his eyes as the familiar vanilla smell of her hair wafted around him. "If I had just eaten I’d be sick."


Buffy chuckled softly and pulled back. "How could you not call?"


"It’s a long story."


"I’ve got a long time."




Part Four:

Buffy stood on the roof of Wolfram and Hart, staring down over the city. For the better part of two hours, she had listened to Spike’s story of how he came to be in Los Angeles and what he had been doing since his return. He had failed, however, to explain his decision not to contact her.

A siren blared below and Buffy leaned over the low metal railing that ran the length of the building, following the flashing lights from her vantage point. “You can see for miles from up here.”

Spike, who had been waiting silently for her to digest and reply to his tale, gripped her upper arm and pulled her away from the ledge. “Careful, love. I can’t have you falling.”

Buffy turned and looked up at him, staring into his eyes. She was tempted to tell him it was too late, that she had fallen a long time ago. He was too close, though, and having him gazing down at her stole away the breath it would take to speak. She took a step closer, resting her hand on his chest.

The wind whipped around them and she shivered. He removed his duster and wrapped it around her.

“Buffy,” he said softly, moving his hand up to cover hers. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like only you can.”

She smiled and put her hand on his cheek. “I really missed you.”

“I missed you more.”

“But you won’t tell me why you didn’t do something about it?” she asked.

He pushed an errant hair behind her ear. “I stayed away because I knew that I wasn’t what you needed. I hurt you in ways that I never imagined possible and I couldn’t do that anymore, baby.” When she frowned and stepped away from him, he reached for her. “Don’t. It was so hard for me to do the right thing.”

“That’s so fucking noble I could cry.” Buffy glared at him, daring him to speak so she could hit him with a clear conscious. When he didn’t, she added, “Did you ever consider that not having you in my life hurt more than anything you ever did to me when you were there?”

“I could have-”

“You could have called me! You should have! After everything we shared in those last days I think I deserved that much!”

“I’m not going to argue with you. I did what was best for both of us. So you could have a good life.”

“You know what? For someone who hates Angel so much you sure do a bang up impersonation of his self sacrificing bullshit. Let me guess, I need someone to take me into the sun. I need someone to have a family with, kids, whatever. Guess what? That was never in my big picture. I don’t want normal.”

“I said good. Not normal. You’ll never have a normal life and be happy. You’re always going to need a little something more.”

“Well, I think I had what I needed in Sunnydale with you.”

“Buffy-”

“No. Do you know what it was like for me to leave you there in the Hellmouth knowing that you were going to die? It ripped my heart out. Not because you made some kind of noble gesture, but because you didn’t believe me when I told you I loved you.”

“Don’t.”

“You always let me talk to you before.”

“You can talk to me about anything,” he paused, speechless for a moment as her eyes sparkled with tears in the moonlight. “Except that.”

“You’re going to hear it anyway.” Buffy swallowed hard. She struggled to find the right words, finally she took a deep breath and said, “When it was over and Sunnydale was gone … I didn’t think about how I’d never be able to visit mom’s grave again or how everything I owned in the world was suddenly a memory. No, instead I thought that I’d march straight back into that Hellmouth if I heard you calling me. I thought that I’d rather deal with all those Turok-Hans myself than lose you. The rest of the gang was so happy because the Hellmouth was gone, but I was furious that it had taken you with it! All I could think about was you.”

He started to reply, but she held up her hand. “Spike, I came here to tell you that I do love you and I want to be with you. I told you once before that I wasn’t ready for you to not be there. I’m still not ready.”

His throat was suddenly too tight. He was fleetingly aware that it was a good thing he didn’t have to breathe, because he couldn’t have. He had dreamed of this moment since he came back. She had consumed him, devoured him without trying, and here she was with her heart held out on her sleeve and all he could do was shake his head. “You’ve been fine without me.”

“How do you know I’ve been fine? Did you bother to come and ask me? Did you bother to call?”

“I was in Italy, Buffy. I knew about the Immortal and I came there to help you. I saw you on a dance floor in a crowded club and you were dancing like you were on fire. You looked happy.”

“That wasn’t happiness. That was me drowning myself in liquor because I couldn’t drown in you.”

“You *do* have all the answers,” he snapped, running his hand through his hair.

“Just not the right ones apparently. You don’t want to be with me.” Her voice broke as she said it and she turned away, yanking his coat from her shoulders. She was suddenly too hot and she didn’t want any part of him near her. “You know what truly sucks? I spent all this time writing letters to you because you’re the only person who ever knew me, who ever understood me, who ever *mattered* to me. I can’t tell you how many times I put in those letters my wish that you were there. Offered up anything I could think of to have you again. That you would be there to hold me and make it better. And here you are! And all I want to do is throw your ass over the side of this building!”

“I’m sorry,” Spike whispered.

“You’re sorry? That’s all you have to say?”

“What else is there?”

She glared at him. “Tell me you don’t love me anymore and I’ll walk away from here and not look back.”

He shook his head. “I won’t lie to you.”

“And I won’t *live* a lie which is what I would be doing if I did what everyone thought was best for me.” She exhaled loudly, running her hand through her hair. “Why did you come tonight?”

“Willow thought you needed a friend.”

“You’ll never be my friend and I don’t want a friend. I want you. I want what you offered me and I kept turning down. I’m ready now.”

“I think you’re still in shock.”

“Aghh!!” Buffy screamed, throwing her hands in the air. “I am in shock. I am shocked that I ever believed anything you said to me! I thought that what we had was *real*. Especially at the end!”

“I don’t know what else to say.”

“Then just shut the fuck up.” Buffy reached into her bag and withdrew the leather book she had written in for so long.

Spike caught it when she threw it at him. “What’s this?”

“Your letters. The ones I wrote to you. But there’s a big difference now.”

“What?”

“This time, when I leave, you’re going to be the one dealing with the fact that I don’t believe you. You never loved me, Spike. But thanks for saying it.”

“Buffy, please-” He moved toward her, hand extended, but she walked past him. “Don’t do this.”

She paused beside the door and looked back at him. “I didn’t do this. You did. How can you blame me when it was clearly never my choice. You decided. You live with it.”

Spike let her go. And his heart went with her.