Chapter 21 – The Feeling Is Mutual


Sunnydale, 2000


That night, Buffy and Spike went patrolling together in the cemetery, and Buffy noticed that Spike seemed unusually quiet. When he didn’t answer a question she had asked, she stopped walking and looked at him.

“Alright, what’s on your mind? I know I used to like it when you were silent, but now I think it’s eerie.”

“What are you talking about, pet?” he asked, putting his hands in the pockets of his duster.

“I asked if you sensed anything around, and you didn’t say anything,” she said. “So either you’re picking up a trace of something and are too focused to speak or you’re ignoring me.”

“Just thinking,” he replied, shrugging. “Got a lot on my mind.”

“Want to share?” she asked, leaning back against a tombstone. “I think I owe you for a few late-night sessions of me ranting.”

“You needed to talk to someone,” he said. “And it’s not like I minded.”

“Okay, then what’s going on in that brain of yours? Is it something I can help you with?”

“Don’t worry about it,” he answered, looking away and scanning the area. “Everything’s fine.”

“Usually when someone says things are fine, they’re lying,” she said, tilting her head. “You’re not that much of a mystery to me, Spike – I can read you like a book most of the time.”

“Then you should know what I’m thinking about,” he said, their eyes locking.

“If I knew, I wouldn’t be asking,” she replied before sighing. “I’m not going to force you to talk – I just thought I’d be nice and offer to chat since you seem preoccupied.”

“Did you talk to any of the Scoobies since the quasi-intervention this afternoon?” he asked.

“You’re changing the subject,” she muttered before beginning to walk again, him beside her. “And no, I haven’t.”

“Willow came by shortly after you left,” he said, feeling her eyes on him as he continued to speak. “I don’t know if I’m supposed to tell you that or not, but I figure there’s no harm in saying it – she didn’t ask that I keep it a secret.”

“Why did she stop by?” she asked curiously.

“To talk about some things,” he answered. “And to thank me for looking out for you.”

“Which I appreciate, too, you know,” she said, giving him a small smile.

“I’m not going to let anything happen to you,” he replied. “I don’t know if it’s escaped your notice or not, but I care about you, Slayer. Know I shouldn’t, but I do.”

“You’re not so bad yourself, vampire,” she said in a light tone, giggling when he growled quietly. “So, more patrolling?”

“Luv, we haven’t fought anything in days,” he said. “Why don’t you go home and spend some time with your mum?”

“Trying to get rid of me?” she asked, pouting.

“Never,” he said sincerely, looking down quickly when she looked at him. “I just think that you might need some bonding time with her. You’ve been with me a lot lately and haven’t been hanging out with the others.”

“Did Willow tell you to say that?” she asked, instantly becoming defensive.

“No,” he answered. “It’s coming from me, no one else.”

“I see my mom every single day,” she said.

“And what about your friends?” he asked. “I’m not partial to Harris, but I know he’s important to you – you should go out with them or something and be a normal girl.”

“I’ll never be a normal girl, or have you forgotten?” she asked sharply. “And you know why I don’t want to spend time with them.”

“I know they make you sad because they try to get you to talk about Dawn, but maybe you need that,” he said, and she stopped walking again, turning to face him.

“You don’t know what I need,” she replied, angry. “Because if you did, you wouldn’t be saying half of the things that are coming out of your mouth.”

“I know you’re shutting off your emotions and trying to be strong so no one worries, but the truth is that you’re scaring us all even more,” he said.

“I didn’t realize that me trying to maintain my sanity was such a concern,” she said sarcastically.

“Buffy-”

“I’m fine,” she cut in. “I know Dawn is gone, and that’s something I’m growing to accept. I’m going to continue to blame myself for her death, and that’ll haunt me for the rest of my life. Why think about it right now when it’s never going to go away?”

“How can you be so flippant?” he asked, becoming upset.

“Because when I think about it too much, it hurts,” she admitted, turning away from him when tears began to roll down her cheeks. “I’m the reason she’s dead.”

He put his hand on her shoulder before running his hand over her back soothingly, surprised when she turned once again and embraced him, beginning to sob against his chest. He pulled her closer to him and kissed the top of her head, holding her as she continued to weep.

“It’s going to be okay,” he whispered. “I’m here for you, pet – that won’t change.”

“Thank you,” she murmured, her voice muffled as she nuzzled against his shirt.

The two stood in silence for a long moment before Buffy looked up at him, stroking his cheek and as he lowered his head and pressed his lips to hers. She eagerly returned the kiss, having missed the feel of his lips ever since the last time they had touched hers.

Several minutes passed by before Buffy’s lips parted from his as she tried to catch her breath. He pressed his forehead against hers and closed his eyes, reveling in the moment.

“I love you,” he admitted, tensing when Buffy froze in his arms.

He opened his eyes and saw the shock in hers before she broke away from him and shakily asked, “What?”

“Buffy,” he said, frowning when she took a step away from him as he tried to move closer to her.

“What did you say?” she asked, trembling as she tried to comprehend his words.

“I love you,” he repeated. “I know I’m a vampire and therefore not worthy of you, but I guess I thought you should know. Red does, so why not you, too?”

She studied his expression for a long while, not knowing what to say. “You… love me?”

“I would’ve thought it’s been obvious lately,” he muttered, looking away. “You already know that I care about you – this shouldn’t come as much of a surprise.”

“It shouldn’t?” she hissed.

“Just forget it,” he said, beginning to walk back to his crypt.

She watched him in outrage before following him and catching up, smacking his arm when he didn’t acknowledge her behind him. “How dare you say something like that and walk away?”

“Because your reaction wasn’t what I was hoping for,” he said, looking at her. “I know you’ll never love me, but I didn’t expect you to seem like it was such a shock.”

“Of course it was,” she said. “It’s not like I hear someone tell me they love me everyday… especially you.”

“A vampire,” he said, and she shook her head.

“That’s not what I meant,” she replied.

“Then what did you mean?” he asked, tilting his head.

“I don’t know,” she said. “I just… It’s something I need to think about.”

“I’m not asking you to love me back,” he replied. “I wanted to say it, is all.”

“I know,” she said, looking down and pausing. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he said. “Come on, I’ll walk you home.”

“Okay.” She nodded and began to follow him, her mind still reeling after what he had said.

They began to exit the cemetery, and a few minutes later, they arrived at the front door of her house.

“Goodnight,” he said, happy when she leaned up to kiss him softly.

“Goodnight, Spike,” she replied.

She opened the door and hesitated before looking at him again. He saw the anxious expression on her face and asked, “What’s wrong?”

“What would you say if I told you that I think I’m starting to fall for you, too?”

He stared at her with wide eyes, taken aback. “What?”

“I’ll take that as a good sign,” she said, grinning as she went into her house and closed the door, leaving Spike alone outside as he gawked at the door for a few minutes, speechless.