Chapter 19: Promises



The next few days were both wonderful and disappointing for Spike. With his grandsire’s permission, Spike took Dru repeatedly in as many ways as he could think of given his lack of mobility. Physically he felt better than he had in a long time – but there were too many questions still on his mind.

Dru could have come to him at any time in the past few weeks– but she had chosen not to. Even now, while she didn’t spurn his advances, she didn’t seek them out either. Spike couldn’t get it out of his mind that she was only sleeping with him now because Angelus had told her to.

She’d made it plain that despite their years together, without regard for how he had protected her and taken care of her when she was ill, Dru still preferred Angelus. Bitterly Spike realized that it might always be this way.

Unfortunately it was a problem that wouldn’t be solved by trading one doxy for another. They were both Angelus’s creatures, Drusilla and Buffy. Although they tolerated his presence, he knew that neither of them would ever seek it out. He didn’t much care for being second choice.

And he didn’t like being beholden to the poof either. He’d been his own man for over a hundred years. He found he didn’t fancy going back to being second fiddle again. No matter how well treated he might be.

Finally, there was Dru herself. He wasn’t sure if his emotions clouded his judgment, but it just didn’t feel the same. He had always thought that he loved his dark princess with his whole being. Now he wasn’t sure if that was true anymore. What had once been earth shattering lovemaking, now tasted like ashes in his mouth.

With her every word, her every motion, he found that he was comparing her to Buffy, and Dru came up clearly lacking. He couldn’t help but hate Angelus for it. For taking away what he had and making him want something that could never be his.

Despite Angelus’s plans, Spike knew that he and Buffy would always have a rocky relationship. Her heart already belonged to Angelus, and he’d just be along for the ride. Somehow he didn’t think that having the occasional use of her body and not the rest of her would be enough for him.

Slowly his back healed to the point where he could stand and walk. Privately, he made sure that he did everything he could to strengthen the muscles that had atrophied during his long recuperation. He was sure that the Slayer blood had helped, but he hadn’t really had enough of it.

Then came the night when he was suddenly whole again. His own man once more, he was the master of his own destiny.

He didn’t make any proclamations of being healed. And if Angelus knew, he turned a blind eye to it, while Dru didn’t seem to notice at all. What the minions saw they wisely kept to themselves. Generally there was no percentage to be had if one got caught in an argument between one’s betters. Alliances among vampires were usually uncertain and changed swiftly. Being quietly subservient was always safer than maneuvering or taking sides. Perhaps they were smarter than he thought.

He had taken to going out for strolls late at night, to build up his strength. At first it was just around the block. Then it was farther. Until now he had almost all of his old strength back, and could travel as far as he liked, without fear of becoming too exhausted to make his own way home.

It was on one of these walks that he happened upon the Slayer. He hadn’t seen her since the night he had rescued her from Drusilla. He assumed that she’d still been seeing the Poof, but he couldn’t be sure. She hadn’t been back to the mansion.

Spike hadn’t been looking for her, exactly, but he wasn’t unhappy to see her. If his traitorous body were asked, he was very happy to see her indeed. But he was uncertain what his Sire’s reaction would be if he and Buffy got horizontal on their own, without his manipulations. They’d finally reached an understanding of sorts, and he wasn’t going to throw it all away for one shag with a girl who would never really be his.

More importantly, he didn’t know how the Slayer herself would feel about it. She hadn’t been back to the nest, either voluntarily or involuntarily. He supposed that Angelus was trying to keep Dru and the Slayer apart. Spike still wasn’t sure if Angelus would try and maneuver the three of them together soon, or not. Either way, he didn’t want the Slayer as his enemy.

“Spike.” She sounded surprised to see him. “You’re walking.”

“Yeah. Still a little wobbly though,” he lied. “I haven’t seen you around much lately. I guess that’s good. Glad you got home safe the other night.”

“Yeah. I guess that I should thank you for that. Was it bad?”

With all that had been going on at home over the last week, he hadn’t really given a second thought to his and Dru’s session in the altar room. He shrugged it off, “I’ve had worse. No permanent damage done.” He couldn’t resist. “Not like what you did to me, luv. Kept me in that sodding chair for months.”

She had the grace to look guilty. He supposed they were friends now, of a sort. Like her boyfriend’s younger brother, maybe. She had to put up with him for Angelus’s sake. “I’m not going to apologize for that. Things were different then.”

“You mean you’re not going to try to stake me, or drop another church organ on my back while we chat? That’s right nice of you, pet.”

“Not unless you take up killing again. Or try to kill me. But I guess things have gone a little far for that.”

She really was naïve if he thought that he wouldn’t kill her just because they’d slept together once, and shared a few confidences. Or even because he’d helped to get her away from Drusilla. He could have had a million reasons for doing what he did. It didn’t mean what she apparently thought it did.

Instead of pointing this out to her, he asked instead, “Haven’t seen you around the house lately. That mean you finally wised up? Gonna give the wanker the heave ho, or the point of your stake?”

Spike was no longer certain which answer he’d prefer. “Poofter claims it was all for your protection. Leaving you with Dru.”

That made no sense. “Protection?”

“Yeah, Angelus has some pretty twisted ideas, but they work. She’s proved she can’t be trusted.”

“Yeah, and letting her slice and dice me was a real good way to find out what he should have known all along! I should dust him just for that.”

It was probably be the wisest course of action. And the outcome wouldn’t be too bad for him. He’d still have Dru, and he would be innocent of Angelus’s slaughter. Still, if she chose to stay with the Poof, that might not be too bad for him either. The thought of the three of them together was intriguing. Either way, he wanted to remain in the Slayer’s good graces. “You find anything else out about the blood? Ask your watcher about it?”

Buffy colored again. She had asked Giles for help. The days of separation had dragged by slowly for her, and her body had started craving Angelus again. She’d told Giles as much as she could, without letting him know what had really been going on. She hoped that she’d be able to outlast the cravings this time, that Giles would find a cure, or that they would simply pass. So far it wasn’t working.

“I let Giles do some tests on it.” Spike raised his eyebrows at that. “Laboratory tests, Spike. Chemical scientificy tests. I didn’t suggest he taste it.” They both laughed at the thoughts of Giles in the throes of uncontrollable lust with no likely victim in range. At least that was the picture Spike’s mind conjured, until he realized who the closest female presence was likely to be – Buffy.

He sobered up instantly. “Make sure that he doesn’t, Slayer.” The tone of his voice surprised her, and she gave him a questioning look. Spike ignored it. “So, what’d he find then?”

“As we suspected, the affects are quite real. And very strong in both vampires and humans. But no definite evidence that it is addictive.” Suddenly she realized how close Spike was to her, and what a deserted part of the cemetery they were in. He’d acted reasonably so far, but if he took her by surprise, the way Angelus tended to do, he could have his fangs at her throat in seconds. She had to stop trusting these vampires just because they had been intimate.

“You’re not addicted, Spike, are you?”

He cocked his head. “Tempted, yes. Addicted, no. For a vampire I’m quite good at dealing with unfulfilled desire. Comes from months of doing without while I wasted away recovering from an injury. So, if you’re asking if I want a taste, the answer’s yes. But I’m not going to try and take it by force.” If Buffy didn’t kill him, Angelus surely would.

“That’s a relief. I am going to tell Angelus that he’s got to stop drinking from me too. Maybe if we can manage that, we can salvage the relationship. If not, if that’s all it is, all it ever was…” She let the sentence drift off unfinished. Then she blushed, “I think I’m addicted to it too.”

“That right?” The chit was finally starting to see some sense. “No antidote then?”

“Not yet, no.”

“How do you think fang boy will take to your idea of weaning yourselves off it then, or you expecting him to quit it cold?”

“I don’t know. His reaction will help me decide what to do with him. I’m sure that it’s going to be hard. Believe me, I know.”

“He wants to keep you, you know.” He hadn’t meant to say it. It just came out.

“What?” The Slayer looked pale.

“He means to keep you. Both of us actually.” There it was. Now he’d see what the Slayer thought of the idea.

But she didn’t stop to consider the import of his words, the suggestion that it would be the three of them together. “How? He means to keep me how, Spike?”

“He wants you to choose it. To choose him.” He looked at her hopefully. “Us.”

“Oh God, Spike. He means to turn me. How could I be so blind? Of course that’s what he wants.”

She was shocked to hear Spike deny it. “No. Not necessarily. Not right away at any rate. When I say he wants you, I don’t mean for a night, a month or a year. We’re vampires – he wants to keep you with us forever. Eventually, that’ll mean turning you, yes. But by then you’ll want it.”

“I’ll never want it, Spike. Not if I was old or dying of cancer.” Spike figured that she was so undone by the thoughts of being turned that she hadn’t even noticed how Spike had included himself in that family picture. “You’ve banded together against me then?” Just how far could she trust Spike?

“It’s not like that, pet. Just looks like Angelus has slated Dru to be odd man out, what with you hating each other and all.”

“And how do you feel about that? I thought you loved her?”

Spike sighed and shook his head. “It looks like I have no choice in the matter.” That was another thing that bothered Spike about the arrangement. He didn’t appreciate Angelus calling all the shots. “I’ve loved Dru for over a hundred years. But apparently the feeling wasn’t mutual.” He looked Buffy in the eyes, “It’s not the same once you find that out.”

He had unwittingly summed up exactly how Buffy felt about Angelus. She thought that she loved him, but she was beginning to see more and more that it was just her misplaced feelings for Angel, amplified by the blood lust. Even if her own feelings for Angelus were real, Spike was right. It wasn’t the same unless the feeling was mutual.

Still she didn’t say any of that. Instead she asked him, “I thought you hated Angelus?”

“Well, apparently he doesn’t hate me as much as I thought. Claimed it was all an act, to keep me safe from the help.”

“Do you believe him?”

“Dunno. Don’t reckon it rightly matters. He’ll do what he damn well pleases with all of us, fuck-all what we want. He wants to keep me around for some reason, he will. The only alternative is to dust him.” Angelus gone wouldn’t necessarily give him back Drusilla’s love, but if he was the one who dusted their Sire, he knew that Dru would hate him forever.

“And what do you want, Spike?”

Spike wished that none of this had ever happened. That Angelus had never returned, and he could have gone on blissfully, ignorantly happy with his beloved Drusilla. Of course, that wasn’t an option, now was it? Instead of answering he turned the question back on her. “What is you want, Slayer?”

Her reply echoed his thoughts. “I wish this had never happened. That I still had Angel and had never even heard of Angelus. Given that that’s impossible, I just wish that things were more clear. That I knew how I felt about him, and how he felt about me. That I knew what was real, what was true. I could never let him turn me, but, I think… I could stay with him for a while. Slayers don’t usually live very long, I’m told, and I’m already overdue.” She had almost reconciled herself to a short life – but it didn’t mean she had to be unhappy while living it.

They stood in silence then for a long while. Finally, she reached for Spike’s hand and held his eyes with her own. “I can trust you, can’t I Spike? Will you promise me something?”

Unbidden, the thought came to him, ‘I’d promise you anything.’ But all he did was nod.

“Don’t let him turn me, Spike. When the time comes, don’t let him change me. Let me die. Even if I tell you later that I really want it, don’t believe me. I’d rather be dead.”

Spike could see in her eyes that she was serious. This was something she’d thought about. Something she was deathly afraid that she would have no control over. But she didn’t understand what his promise would mean. Once Spike made a promise, he kept it. There’d be no eternal life for her, even if she changed her mind later.

“Pet, you don’t know what you’re asking. You live long enough, if you stay with us, you might feel differently. In five years, twenty. That’s plenty of time to change your mind. But if you make me promise you this – it will never be. Ask only that if you don’t want it then, I’ll keep him from passing on the dark gift. That I’ll promise you Slayer, gladly.”

“No, Spike. I want what I said. I want you to promise that you’ll never, never allow me to be turned, even if I beg for it. I’m telling you now that this is what I want. And I want you to promise me.”

He searched her eyes then, and saw the resolve there. Slowly, he let go of her hand, and nodded again. “As you say then.”

Neither of them thought what it meant, what she had asked of him, or that he had agreed.