*~*~*~*~

Giles stared out the window, watching for Buffy. He had been jumpy, wandering back and forth to the curtains every time a car or motorcycle passed the house. For years, he had helped raise her, helped guide, or rather nudge her, in the right direction. She had not always complied, but never had she blatantly flouted his authority as she had done with the Alliance.

She had slapped his face.

His jaw ached from grinding his teeth so much and as another car passed the house without slowing, he stepped out onto the porch. Dawn was sitting on the steps and, while he had hoped to be alone, he sat down next to her. "Should you really be outside by yourself? After dark?"

"I doubt anyone misses me. Or would miss me if I was eaten alive."

"Well, that’s a very positive attitude. You should bottle it and make millions."

She didn’t acknowledge his attempt at humor. "So, this Alliance thing. You can break it, right?"

"I can. Willow is researching the possibilities right now."

"Why would she do it, Giles?"

He stared out at the lawn, which Xander had mowed earlier in the day, and tried to compose his thoughts. Dawn, of all people, had a right to know the truth. After a few seconds, he said, "I don’t think she was in hell."

"What?"

"I’ve had my suspicions since I returned, since I got a good look at her. If she had been in hell she would have been so grateful to be out that she would be embracing life, not resenting it." He sighed. "I think she was in heaven."

"Oh my god."

"My sentiments exactly."

"But-"

Willow emerged from the house with a handful of papers and smiled, waving them back and forth. "Ta-da! I cracked the Alliance website and we’re saved! They only want vir-"

"Did you use an Urn of Osiris?" Giles interrupted, not looking up at her. "To resurrect Buffy? Did you use the urn?"

The papers slipped from Willow’s hands and she dropped to her knees, quickly gathering them. Giles turned and gripped her upper arm. "Did you?"

"Why?"

"DID YOU!?" he shouted, pulling her forward so that she was nose to nose with him. "Because if you did then you should know that the teachings of Osiris and Jesus Christ were almost the same, many of his passages are word for word with the Bible as luck would have it. An Urn of Osiris is basically the same thing as Jesus’ Grail. They’re used to revoke someone’s stay, Willow. In heaven. That’s why the grail has remained hidden for centuries. In the wrong hands anyone could be brought back from the dead. Anyone! Now, one more time ... did you use the Urn of Osiris?"

Willow began to cry, shaking her head as his words sank into her. "Heaven? Sh- she was in heaven?"

"Yes or no, Willow."

"Yes," she sobbed. "But no one told me what it was."

"And you claim to be so smart." He shoved her away from him and she tumbled back onto the planks of the porch. "She wasn’t in hell. You just assumed. Another of your great mistakes. Where did you get the Urn?"

"Ebay. A desert gnome in Cairo. Anya got it."

"Well, that’s reassuring. And you’re certain it was authentic?" He stood over her as if daring her to stand. Part of his mind raged at him that this was *Willow*, but another part viewed her as the responsible party in the mess that had become Buffy’s life. And his.

"It worked, didn’t it?"

If it had been anyone else, Giles would have slapped her. He contented himself with snatching his glasses off and and glaring at her. "If you think that the sad, miserable, haphazard and broken girl that you brought back is Buffy then yes, it worked. I, on the other hand, would tend to disagree with you."

Dawn sobbed, rocking back and forth on the step. They had forgotten she was there, listening to their exchange. "Maybe she saw mom," she sniffled, wiping her eyes. "If she did ... do you think she’ll tell me? Maybe mom had a message for me!"

Giles leaned down, coaxing the young girl to her feet. "Come inside, Dawn."

"But what if she did, Giles? That could be why she didn’t want to come back. Right? Not because she’s mad at me for making her die."

Willow stood, gazing at the young girl in shock. "You didn’t make her die."

"She died for *me*. In my place. So I wouldn’t have to. That’s got to be why she hates me."


*~*~


Buffy stood a couple feet away, watching the exchange between her friends. They knew. All of them knew. She had left San Francisco with Spike and drove most of the day. He had wanted to stop everywhere and see everything in the light and she hadn’t been able to tell him no. The bike had run out of gas at the end of Revello Drive and she had run ahead when she heard shouts. And she had heard more than she bargained for. "I don’t hate you, Dawn."

"Buffy!" Dawn hurried down the stairs. "You were in heaven. Weren’t you? That's why you're so freaky and mad!"

They all turned and gazed at her, but Buffy was busy reaching for Dawn. She hugged her sister, then cupped her cheek. "I guess my secret’s out."

"Which one?" Giles snapped. As relieved as he was to see her, his fury at her was overwhelming. "That you were in heaven or that you made a pact with the Alliance? Are there more than that?"

"There is one more thing." Buffy glanced back at Spike, who was pushing his motorcycle up the road and was still half a block away. The bond, whatever it was, made her feel him when he was near ... feel him soul deep. She figured that she would spill the truth now instead of waiting. "Spike and I are bonded to each other so that Bob couldn’t teleport me. But, uhm, oh I have a hundred thousand dollars so we’re out of the gutter."

"Bonded?" Giles glanced up the road himself, seeing Spike through shades of red. He stomped down the stairs and pulled her toward him, seeing with his own two eyes the tell tale bite mark on her neck. "You slept with him? You drank from a vampire? Willlingly?"

She nodded and opened her mouth to explain, then yelped as Giles shoved her away and ran toward Spike. Before she could think to react, her watcher had tackled the vampire and both men toppled over the bike and into the street. Giles rammed his fist into Spike’s face again and again while the vampire, who wasn’t aching to fire the chip, simply tried to swat the man away.

"Oh, crap," Willow shouted, rushing toward the melee.

Buffy followed, grabbing Giles under the arms and yanking him back. "Stop it!"

Spike jumped to his feet, standing next to Buffy. "Bugger all! What the hell are you doing, Giles?"

"I trusted you!" Giles roared, reaching for the vampire again.

"Stop!" Buffy shoved him, harder this time and he almost lost his footing. "Just stop!"

"Had to do it, mate! She was fading right before my eyes! I was going to call the witch and have her do a rooting spell, but we didn’t have time."

"You are a dead man." Giles picked his glasses up off the road and cleaned them, still glaring at Spike. "I will pull you limb from limb and make you watch it as it happens. Your heart will be the last thing to go so that you can see it all and when I finally stake it, it will be because you are begging for it."

"Jesus, Giles!" Buffy cried, rubbing her eyes in an attempt to rid herself of the image he had painted. "Are you even listening? We *had* to do it because I was about to be zapped somewhere by the Alliance."

"You didn’t have to do any of it!" Giles shouted, turning his attention to her. "How many times have I drilled it into your skull that you can not trust the word of demons?"

"Not to be a bitch, Giles, but you trusted *Spike* to assume your role," Buffy fired back.

"Not to be a bastard, Buffy, but the last time I checked you weren’t sleeping with me," Giles responded in kind. "And I am referring to the fact that you allowed this representative from the Alliance to seduce you into -"

"There was no seducing!" she cried, throwing her hands in the air. "God, you just blasted Willow for making assumptions and there you go doing the same thing. Here’s a news flash for you. I told the Alliance no! And then when I cut myself I accidentally bled on the contract and they wouldn’t let me back out of it no matter how I tried! So I didn’t CHOOSE to do anything."

"You chose to accept the contract!" His voice was hoarse from the bellowing, but Giles continued. "They attempted to recruit me as well when I was a little older than you and I had the foresight to know better."

"That’s because you had already treaded water on the dark side with your demon conjuring and black magick. Of course it didn’t entice you!" Infuriated, Buffy attempted to hit him below the belt. "You are the last person alive, Giles, who can stand in judgment of *me*. I made a mistake. I admit it. At least I don’t have to run halfway around the world to fix them! At least I didn’t knock someone up and-"

His hand, which had been itching to slap her, got its wish. His palm cracked against her cheek and she reeled, falling back over Spike’s bike. The vampire attempted to catch her, then whirled to face the watcher. "That, mate, will get *you* torn limb from limb."

Buffy slumped on the ground, stunned that he had actually hit her. She noticed Spike and Giles, who were advancing on each other again and did the only thing she could think of. And the only thing she was capable of doing at the moment. She was finally broken.

She burst into tears, cupping her cheek, and curled into a little ball. The life that she had been given? So over it, she thought.

It tore at Giles’ heart to see her in the state she was in. He pushed the fact that she had been ripped from heaven to the front of his mind and moved past Spike, who was trying to intimidate him by baring his fangs. "Get a new routine, Spike."

Kneeling next to Buffy, Giles put his hand on her shoulder. "I’m sorry."

"I didn’t ask to be here. I was ready to go!" she wailed, her voice choking on the harsh sobs. "I hate this! I hate it so bad. Just let me go back! Please let me go back, Giles. Send me back!"

Spike started to go to her, but Willow shook her head. "Let them have this."

"What’s done is done." Giles pulled her into his arms and rocked back and forth with her, kissing the top of her head, her cheek. He felt his own tears falling and buried his face in her hair. "I know it hurts, Buffy. I know it does. Now imagine it a hundred times worse. That’s what we felt when you left us. That’s why Willow did it. That’s why I could never send you back."

Buffy clung to him, hysterical. "Make it stop. Please make me stop hurting so bad."

"If only I could." He hugged her a little tighter, rubbing her back. "Oh, Buffy, if only I could."

Bob applauded from further up the street, then walked confidently to where the Slayer was huddled with her watcher. Rarely did he feel undiluted rage at anyone, but Buffy had enraged him to the point of being reckless enough to crash their little pity party. He glanced at Spike and understood that she had told. Everyone. "You broke the cardinal rule, Buffy. You told. Do you recall what I said the consequences were?"

"Kill me. I don’t care." Buffy kept her face buried against Giles’ jacket. "Just don’t do it in front of my family."

"Oh, it’ll be much worse than death, Buffy."

Spike sized the man up then lunged. Bob’s neck breaking was as loud as a gunshot in the quiet suburban neighborhood and Buffy gasped, sitting up. "He’s dead?"

Spike let the man drop and kicked him, hard, in the groin. "He’s dead. Either he’s dead or a eunuch."

Buffy could only stare at the body. "I don’t get it. He said he was invincible. That I would be, too."

"You couldn’t kill him, Buffy, because you were his recruit," Giles told her. "So he *was* invincible if *you* attempted to kill him. That’s how it works. The recruiter hires someone strong, usually a demon, because the recruiter is human and *weak*."

"But, the chip?" Dawn gazed down at the dead man. "It should have fired if he was really human, right?"

Spike lunged at Dawn, grabbing her around the waist with the intention of devouring her. Nothing happened. Not even a little zap. He turned to Willow and repeated the same. Still nothing. "Hmm."

Buffy stood on shaking legs. She could barely think straight, but she knew that what she was seeing couldn't be good. Surely sleeping with a vampire and having him go evil again couldn't happen twice in her life. "It’s the talisman. I - I think it stops the chip from hurting you because it makes you impossible to kill."

"I could get on board with that." Spike lunged at Dawn again, who screamed and ran behind Willow.

"I can’t!" Buffy caught his arm and spun him to face her. "Bond or no bond, you’re not killing again."

The smile faded from his face and he regarded her intently for several seconds. "This really is what you think of me, innit?"

"Spike, you -"

"You think this chip in my head is what drives me to do right by you? To take care of you and Dawn?" He reached under his shirt and yanked the talisman off, then tossed it at her. "The chip put me in your life, love. Against my will. But it didn’t put you in my heart! You did that on your own."

Buffy caught the talisman and shook her head. "I want you to have it, but I don’t -"

"Just forget it." He moved around the small crowd and righted his bike, pushing it in a big circle and pointing it back toward town. "Bond or no bond, you just can’t stop killing me a little at a time, can you?"

"Spike," Buffy reached for him, but he jerked his arm away and headed up the road. "Damn it."

Willow put her arm around Buffy and leaned against her. "I’m so sorry, Buffy. I didn’t know where you were."

Even though her first impulse was to jerk away, Buffy held her ground, watching as Spike made it to the stop sign and turned left. "I need to go after him."

"No, we have to talk," Giles stated calmly.

"Shouldn’t we get rid of the dead body?" Dawn asked, pointing at Bob, whose head was under his back on the road. "Because ew."

"I got it," Willow said, doing a freaky little wave with her hand and a chorus or strange words that she seemed to sing. The body vanished in a big orange flame.

"Dude!" Dawn cried. "What the heck was that?"

"I told him to go to hell." Willow grinned. "And he did."

"I see I have to speak with you as well," Giles told the witch. "But first, I’d like to take a little walk with Buffy."

Willow and Dawn quickly made themselves scarce and Giles tilted Buffy’s face, examining the red mark on her cheek. He ran his thumb over it, then sighed. "I’ll begin by saying once again that I’m very sorry for striking you."

"And I’ll shrug and tell you that it’s no big." She did shrug. "I deserved it. Happens all the time."

"Which is precisely my point. Just because you’re hit on a regular basis that doesn’t mean you should come to expect it. Especially from people who love you."

"Are we talking about literal or figurative hits?"

"Neither." He walked down the street and motioned for her to follow. "We’re moving along."

She fell in step beside him, painfully aware that they were heading in the opposite direction that Spike had taken. Her heart ached with every beat and she wondered if perhaps she was feeling a little of his pain. To prevent herself from delving too deeply into the bond, she glanced over at Giles and said, "I did come to the airport. I was late. Had a bad day."

"Bad days seem to be served easily on the hellmouth."

"Yeah. I’m glad one of us can get away."

"I’ll never truly be gone. I may not live in the same zip code-"

"Or the same continent. I get it. You’ll call, you’ll write. You’ll even mosey on over to the mouth of hell if the goin’ gets extremely rough. At least for a while." She put her hands in her pockets. "Do me a favor? Don’t tell me that you’ll always be there or that you’ll never stop loving me or that these things happen for a reason. I lived the chiche thing with my dad. I can’t do it with you."

"I said something to you that I shouldn’t have said. I told you that I wasn’t your father."

She visibly flinched a little. "I was actually there for that."

"Just like you, I spent the last few years wishing I could be." He studied her profile, saw her jaw clench, but continued. "In my heart, I am. And I don’t know exactly what kind of heart your actual father has or if he ever listens to it, but I listen to mine. And I am telling you, from my heart, that I will not abandon you."

"Abandonment means leaving someone, Giles. You’re leaving me."

"I’m not. Regardless of where my life takes me, the biggest part of it is always going to be here. With you." He reached out, gently taking her hand. "When you died, Buffy, I felt like my life was over. I did things that I normally would not have done. I took risks because I was afraid that my own life would end and I’d have the same regrets that you had."

"I didn’t have -"

"You did. You never got the chance to be truly happy. It ate away at me and the guilt I felt at failing you was overwhelming." He drew his glasses off, wiping his eyes. "I asked so much of you in life. We all did."

"Giles, I made peace with being a Slayer a long time ago. What I can’t make peace with is that I won’t have you anymore. Do you know what that feels like?" She squeezed his hand in what she hoped would feel reassuring, but her heart literally ached at the thought of losing him. Forcing herself to smile, she added, "I don’t share well."

"It’s not my child’s fault that I was reckless. Please don’t blame him. I want you to be in his life, as his sister, as his mentor and friend." Several tears slipped down his cheeks. "I just want-"

She stepped forward, hugging him tightly. The fight had left her. "He could be a girl. In which case I’ll teach her everything I know."

"God help me." His sigh of relief was shaky as his arms wound around her, holding her against him. "I love you, Buffy. I do."

"I know you do." She breathed in the scent of him and it was as familiar and comforting to her as the smells of the high school library had once been. He smelled like home. "I love you, too."

"I should have known that you had been in heaven, Buffy. I should have realized-"

"That’s not a topic open for discussion." She wasn’t unkind when she said it, but the finality in her voice was firm.

"Fair enough." He held her close for a few sweet moments, then he stepped back. "We do have other things to discuss."

"Can’t we just bask?"

"This bond with Spike-"

"Can be broken as long as we both want it. And I’m pretty sure he does."

"Do you?"

She forced herself to look convincing. "We just did it to stop the Alliance. Really. That was the *only* reason."

"I’m sure he was just being noble and gallant." Giles couldn’t hide the sarcasm in his voice. "Because those are his most predominant character traits."

"Giles-"

"Sorry." He turned back toward her house. "Then there is the matter of the contract with the Alliance. With your recruiter gone it could make it null and void, but just to be on the safe side you’ll have to bleed on the contract again and burn it."

"It’s metal now. I don’t think it’ll burn."

"You bleed on the lock and it reopens. Blood seals it and blood appeals it. You have only made one kill for them. Until the third you’re free to go."

"How do you know these things?"

"The council didn’t hire me for my looks, although-"

Buffy listened to him ramble for a second, then stopped walking and touched his arm. The fact that she had come back as a virgin bothered her. Not just because the soreness between her legs was an awkward reminder of it, but because it made no sense. And it effectively erased the traces of previous lovers from her body, but not from her mind. Or her heart. With Parker, she didn’t mind. But she liked to believe that her relationships with Angel and Riley had made her a little stronger, a little wiser. "Can I tell you something else without you freaking out on me?"

"Nothing you say can possibly ‘freak me out’ any more than you telling me that you willingly slept with Spike."

"This might." She took a deep breath and said, "I think I was a virgin again. No ... I *know* I was a virgin again. Spike thinks maybe my rebirth was literal and-"

His eyes widened. "You were a what?"

"Virgin. Not deflowered. Having of the hymen?"

"Oh that’s just bloody brilliant!" Giles shouted, whirling around to kick the curb. Which he did. Twice. "Just bloody fucking brilliant!"

"Have a cow, Giles!"

"Have you any idea what you’ve done?"

"I’m going to go out on a limb and say no." Cautious of his mood, she put a few feet between them. "Enlighten me."

"A bond between a vampire and a human sexual mate can easily be dissolved should they so wish." He crossed his arms. "But if the human was a virgin that is not the case at all. He drew your blood, your essence, by invading your body twice. With his fangs and his, er-"

"I get the point!" she snapped, cutting him off. "What does the point *mean* exactly?"

"Unless we can somehow reverse the bond with magick, which I am loathe to attempt because it’s dark, even for Willow," he paused, choosing his words carefully. "You will be Spike’s mate. Forever."

"Holy shit."

"Bit of an understatement, but I agree." He sighed and motioned for her to follow him again. "Stranger things have happened, I suppose."

"Spike said that same thing."

He drew up short. "He knew? Because if he did-"

"Not until it was done."

Giles resumed his path, stalking down the street. "You know, you will surely be the death of me."

"Don’t worry, Willow won’t let you stay dead."

*~*~*~*~

The end is in sight, folks! Thank you so much for reading this so far. I'll try to finish it up and post the rest this weekend.