DISCLAIMER: Josh owns the characters and makes the money. I worship from afar and right all the Evils invented by the Buffy team.

***Nominated at Fang Fetish Awards for Best Fluff ***

NOTE: Response to Challenge 182 –Some dialog modified from Yoko Factor.

Cubanol info taken from Rogue Warrior: Detachment Bravo by Richard Marcinko and John Weisman

Characters: Buffy, Spike, Joyce, Giles, Professor Walsh, Riley, Clem, Willy the Snitch, Willow, Xander plus some minor new characters.

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Chapter 1 – I Know Who You Are

At 2:00 a.m., Thomas Lasker left the U of C Sunnydale temporary computer lab. The lab, cobbled together after the computer building burned down, was always overcrowded. After midnight was the only time he could use the computer’s mainframe for his class.

He didn’t like leaving Aspen, his girlfriend, alone at night, especially since the apartment they’d rented was two blocks away from Dantesco Street, but they couldn’t afford a place in a safer neighborhood.

He smiled. Aspen said she’d be studying late tonight while he was out. He hoped she’d be awake when he got home.

He slung his backpack over his shoulders and jumped on his bicycle and pedaled towards home. His route forced him to go past the lot where the old computer building stood before the fire.

The lot was creepy and dark with the blackened iron skeleton remains of the building stabbing the night sky. Someone busted out the street lights and a dry wind blew the soot and ashes around making the place look even more evil and murky.

He’d ridden past the dead lot, when a military truck with blinding lights pulled up behind him. The soldier riding in the front passenger seat waved him down.

“Hey, buddy. Can you stop a minute? We need directions.”

Thomas didn’t want to stop. He wanted to get home to Aspen, but he was a polite guy and his older brother was in the Army, so he skidded his bike to a stop along the curb.

The soldier, a clean-cut white guy, with the name tag Finn on his army blouse, got out of the truck, holding a clip board. Three more soldiers jumped out of the back of the truck. One soldier held a rifle.

The rifle and the menacing looks of the four soldiers made Thomas nervous. He was sorry he’d stopped. He gripped the handles of his bike, ready to race away at the first sign of trouble.

“Are you Lasker?” Finn asked.

“What’s this about?” How did the soldier know his name? Why would he care?

“We’re looking for a guy named Thomas Lasker. Need to ask him a few questions.”

“What questions? Who are you? I don’t have to talk to you.” Thomas got back on his bike, but not fast enough.

Two of the soldiers grabbed his arms and held him while Finn searched his back pack. Finn flipped through his wallet for identification. He found Thomas’s student ID.

“Thomas Lasker, male, Cauc, five ten, 160, brown and brown. It’s him.” Finn tucked the ID in his own shirt pocket.

“Are you robbing me? I’m a student. I don’t have any money. Take what you want and let me go.” Thomas struggled, but he was no match for the beefy soldiers who were holding him.

Finn nodded and the two soldiers handcuffed Thomas. “You’re what we want, Romeo. Throw him in the truck. His junk, too.”

The soldiers held Thomas up straight while the third soldier, the one carrying the rifle, shot him with a tranquilizer dart. After he passed out, they dragged him to the back of the truck and threw him in. They tossed his backpack and bicycle in after him.

“Hurry up, you assholes,” Finn said. “We’ve got three more college boys to pick up tonight. Our boy out at Fuego is hungry.”

Finn examined the street to make sure they hadn’t left any evidence Thomas had been there. The soldiers climbed back in the truck and drove away.

***

“Ms. Rosenberg – may I call you Willow? I’ll get to the point. I know who you are, and, what you are.”

Professor Walsh gestured to the orange plastic molded chair in front of her desk for Willow to sit down. Walsh remained standing, hovering over Willow.

“Your student?” Willow asked. She picked at the wooly aqua, peach and pink embroidery on her cocoa-brown, Peruvian alpaca vest. Walsh made her very nervous since the whole Buffy/Spike Control Box, Sex Marathon, Baby-Making Experiment. Who knew what horrifying new project she was cooking up? Walsh obviously had a lot more on her mind today than Freshman Pysch.

“Don’t bullshit me,” Walsh lifted a black-covered report from her desk marked Top Secret and tossed it to Willow’s side of the desk.

Willow picked up the report and opened it to the first page. The inside page was entitled Security Breach of Information Technology System, Department of HST Development on 10/16/99. She read the beginning of the report.

‘On October 16, 1999, from 1310 to 1548, a security breach was committed at the Department of HST Development’s computer installation in Sunnydale, California by an operative(s) using equipment located in the University of California - Sunnydale computer department. The building housing the equipment was destroyed by what was believed to be an event of arson. The commencement of the combustion emergency began at 1546. A fire alarm was initiated at 1547 by a person or persons unknown. Despite prompt response by the local authorities, the fire could not be contained and the building was declared a total loss by officials from the Sunnydale Fire Department.

‘The cause of the fire remains unknown, but investigators believe it to be of suspicious origin. Discussion of possible causes is contained in Addendum 34.578, Section …

Willow flipped the page. She didn’t have to speculate about the cause of the fire. It was that damn missing black cat’s claw. She really should be more careful about skipping ingredients.

‘Subsequent investigation determined the following individuals requested permission to use the computer facility on that date and were believed to be present immediately prior to the conflagration:

Rameriz, Brett – Faculty member
Nestor, Jahidran– Graduate assistant
Lasker, Thomas – Sophomore student
Selden, Kaitlin – Senior student
…
McClay, Tara – Freshman student
Rosenberg, Willow – Freshman student
…

Willow read how, shortly after the fire alarm was pulled, or the Commencement of the Combustion Emergency as the report described it, certain documents were feloniously copied from the Initiative’s government computer, including a Top Secret program called DNA Enhancement Program for Hematophagous Non-Reproductive Beings. The DEPMNB would be the same Top Secret program Spike convinced Willow to hack into using some stupid magic spell he found.

Three months ago, Willow’s best friend, Buffy, tangled herself up in a nefarious government program. Professor Walsh told Buffy the purpose of the program was to give vampires – Spike, actually – positive reinforcement to train him how to behave better and become a semi-useful member of society. Every time Spike did something nice, well something at least not too awful, Buffy gave Spike a pleasure zap to the chip in his brain with a control box supplied by the professor. As it turned out, when Buffy zapped Spike’s chip, the control box did a lot more than give Spike’s brain a wave of pleasure.

Willow and Tara hacked into the Initiative’s mainframe super secure computer using a magic spell and found out the control box program was designed to make Buffy and Spike have sex, pretty much continually, and to get Buffy pregnant with Spike’s baby. A Spike baby should have been impossible, Spike being a vampire, but apparently was possible with the miracle of modern science.

The box was successful in getting Buffy and Spike to have sex, but Willow did not note much improvement in Spike’s behavior.

Willow flipped through another dozen pages of the security report and skimmed the complete background investigations on the persons who were using the UCSD computer at the time of the hacking incident. Her own report included an extremely ugly picture culled from the California Secretary of State, Department of Motor Vehicles. These people were thorough.

Feeling nauseous, Willow closed the cover of the report and placed it on Professor Walsh’s desktop at precise right angles to the edge of the desk. She had a bad feeling Walsh knew exactly who was responsible for the Conflagration Crisis.

“May I assume you and Ms. McClay do not wish to find yourselves residing for the next twenty years in the maximum security wing of Leavenworth Prison?” Walsh asked.

Willow’s mouth was too dry to speak. How had she gotten herself and Tara into so much trouble and how in the universe was she going to get them out of it? Spike. Spike talked her into hacking into the Initiative’s computer. That’s how she got into trouble. Note to self, never go along with Spike plans.

“No,” she croaked. “I mean, no, we don’t want to go to prison.”

“Good. You’re prepared to cooperate. I need your assistance in the program you were so anxious to learn about.”

Willow was confused. Hadn’t Buffy told Professor Walsh she was terminating her involvement with the Vampire Baby Hatching Program?

“I don’t understand.”

“Your friend Buffy found out about the goals and directives of the program through your interference. She’s thwarting our efforts to bring this program to fruition.”

“Huh?”

Professor Walsh grimaced. Geniuses were all alike. In a matter of minutes, they hacked into a computer system protected by a multi-million dollar encryption program that took thousands of man-hours to write, but couldn’t understand the most mundane of personal human activities.

“Buffy took measures to prevent herself from becoming impregnated with Hostile 17’s sperm.”

“Oh.”

It made sense that Buffy would take precautions, but the Buffy and Spike thing was history, wasn’t it? She hoped their romance was history. Buffy had a bad habit of falling head over heelish with unsuitable bad boy types who also happened to be vampires. Spike was as bad boy and as vampire as they came.

Spike was not only a vampire, but he was an untrustworthy, sneaky, know-it-all who’d left his cup with dried-up pig’s blood lying around Giles’ apartment when he was staying there. He probably gnawed on the furniture to keep his fangs sharp. Also, not to put too much of a pointy on it, Spike was dead.

Buffy was so secretive these days. She rarely came home before dawn and never had a good story to tell about how many vampires or demons she’d killed. She also looked, well, relaxed.

“What’s that got to do with me?” She could have kicked herself for asking that dumb question.

Walsh retrieved the security report and filed it away and locked the cabinet. She pulled a large, black cardboard box out of her desk drawer. She placed the box in front of Willow.

“You will make certain your friend uses these exclusively when she is having relations with Hostile 17.”

Willow picked up the box. The box displayed a cheesy cartoon of Count Dracula and was printed with lurid red, yellow and sickly green letters on a black background announcing itself to be Vampyro Condoms – Because Vampires Always Get Invited In. The picture was sort of an insult to Count Dracula, who Buffy claimed was an attractive, if greasy, vampire with a dumb accent.

It was a big box. Back in her hetero days, Willow and Oz wouldn’t have used this many condoms in a year. She recalled her conversation with Spike a few months ago on the subject of Vampire-Slayer sex and considered asking Professor Walsh for another box.

“How am I supposed to get her to use these? She’s not going to ask for my advice about birth control.”

“I’m certain, when you consider how unpleasant life can be in prison, you’ll be quite persuasive. If necessary, you can convince Buffy with one of those magic stunts you’re so fond of performing.”

Willow considered using one of her magic stunts to levitate Professor Walsh into the nearest open sewer so the nest of campus vampires could eat her for dinner, but she was so shaken she could only think of the Latin word for sewer, cloaca, and not the word for vampire. Was it sanguis or would cruor be the better root? Bibere? No sorbere is better, more of the sucking connotation. There was always suctus. She never had her palm Latin language translator with her when she needed it.

Not that it would do any good to get rid of Walsh. From the looks of that report, half the Initiative knew Willow hacked into their computer. The professor no doubt had assistants who would take up the project if Walsh disappeared mysteriously.

Willow put the box in her backpack and went back to the dorm room she shared with Buffy.

***

‘So, Buffy, I got these for free. The Safe Sex University Campus Committee was handing them out … No good. So, Buffy, the campus nurse was giving these away … No. So, Buffy, maybe you and Spike would like to try out a couple hundred … Definitely no. So, Spike … Oh my goddess, no.’ Willow turned away from the mirror and plopped onto her bed in the dorm room she shared with Buffy.

Willow had rehearsed endless scenarios in her head for half the afternoon, trying to think of a way to persuade Buffy she needed to use Vampyro Condoms when she had sex with Spike. Buffy hadn’t confided to Willow she was still sleeping with Spike after the end of the Positive Reinforcement Program, which would also lead to an upsetting conversation about vampire sex, bad boy boyfriends and why Buffy got involved with Spike, of all the vampires she could have picked.

She studied the box carefully, looking for something clever and persuasive to say and only came up with the information that the condoms were the black, lubricated, French tickler, Model No. 666.

She could tell Buffy or Spike that Walsh was pursuing them again, but rejected that idea as a one-way ticket to life as a prison librarian. She could talk to Giles, but he didn’t know the whole story about the control box and how the box made Buffy jump Spike’s bones every time she zapped his chip. Willow was positive Buffy wouldn’t want Giles to know she was getting mingly-tingly with another vampire, no matter how the whole mess got started.

Telling Xander or Anya was pointless. Anya had lost her demon powers and Xander - there was no point telling Xander – he’d only yell at Buffy because he was jealous. Tara would be terrified if she knew the government was casting its evil criminal prosecution eye in her direction.

Willow would have to deal by herself.

Magic was a possibility. She could put a spell on Buffy to make her want to use the condoms, but what about Spike? Vampires were hard to bewitch because their brains were kinda mushy. Willow put a spell on Spike once before and as a result he became romantically interested in Buffy. She didn’t want to reinforce Spike’s interest in Buffy. Who knew what that psycho bloodsucker might do if he fell in love with her? Goofy vampire might want to marry her again.

Willow tired of racking her prosencephalon for a solution. She levitated the box onto Buffy’s nightstand and crawled into her bed to take a Power Nap. She wanted to be fresh for an all night session of homework, magic, Tara and convincing Buffy vampires should always get invited in.

***

Buffy returned from class late that afternoon, and found Willow in their room, asleep in her bed and snoring. Class had been dull beyond the telling and a nap looked attractive to Buffy, too.

She was getting into her own bed when she saw a large, black box sitting on her nightstand. Neat, free condoms. Wonder where they came from?

Vampires always get invited in. She giggled. Especially if the vampire happens to be named Spike.

Black Vampyro Condoms might be sufficiently cool to persuade Spike to use them instead of all the other yucky stuff she’d been using.

The expense of having wild, monkey sex with Spike was prohibitive. She’d asked Spike to take care of the problem. First, he insisted he was a vampire and there was no problem because he was all Dead Sperm Boy. When she put her foot down, he stole some junk she didn’t like and was afraid wouldn’t work. He got sidetracked into stealing sex toys and slutty outfits and adult videos and forgot all about what he was supposed to be steal – er – buying.

Any money she saved by leaving matters up to Spike got spent later on pregnancy tests. She’d had two scares already because she couldn’t control herself around Spike. She didn’t want any more scares. Buffy ended up paying for a bunch of funky sprays and gels and squirty, reeky stuff and ewww.

Staying away from Spike was in the Not An Option Category.

A free jumbo box of condoms was a windfall. She wouldn’t need to buy anything for a few weeks. She shoved the box into her patrol bag and headed to the cemetery to take her ‘nap’ in Spike’s crypt.

***

“I’m not wearing any damn galoshes.”

Buffy pouted. She hadn’t brought anything else with her and Spike’s crypt was not located near any excellent shopping opportunities. Spike had been teasing her and licking her and touching her everywhere for what seemed like hours. He tricked her into taking her clothes off and putting on a studded, dog collar and a black bustier, garter belt, black stockings and do-me pumps, too.

She wanted sex. Now.

“Why not? Aren’t they any good?”

“Don’t know.” Spike had no idea if these condoms – or any condoms - were good or not, because he’d never had occasion to wear one before becoming, theoretically speaking, dead. He’d heard condoms were terrible from the male point of view and he didn’t want anything to come between him and Buffy.

“Don’t worry, baby. I’ll pull out.” He tugged on the little leash attached to her collar to make her lean closer and kiss him some more. How could he think about this poncey Brat Prevention Crap when her sweet pink tongue was in his mouth?

Buffy strained against her collar. “Like you did the last time?”

Spike did not care for the accusing tone in Buffy’s voice. Slayer was being very argumentative about the birth control subject. He didn’t want to worry about wearing condoms or any of the rest of it. He was a vampire. Being a vampire meant never having to say you were worried.

How hard could he spank the minx without setting off his chip? “A spanking would go perfectly with that outfit, kitten.”

He nibbled and licked the bite scars on her neck where he’d bitten her. Licking her scars usually brought her around to a white heat. If she hadn’t busted up that control box, he could bite her again, then she’d be so hot, she’d quit ragging him about the damn condoms.

When she pushed him away, he decided a soothing lie might be in order. “I got a little excited last time, pet, and I forgot. It won’t happen again.”

“Won’t you use them once for me?” Buffy worked her way up to a sulk. Spike was very good at the Let’s Have Mind Boggling Sex part and very bad at the Let’s Not Get Buffy Pregnant part.

When his tactic of licking her bite marks to make her squirm didn’t work like he’d hoped, he tried another dodge. “Give me a blowjob, luv, and you won’t have to worry.”

“I gave you a blowjob already and I want to have normal sex with you, Spike.” She pouted some more. He might give in if she pouted enough.

Spike picked up a thin whip that he kept close by for such occasions and stroked Buffy’s thigh with the tip. “And, what would normal sex be, luv?”

Buffy pushed the whip away. “Don’t distract me. What did you do about sex and protection stuff when you were alive? Did they have condoms back in the old days?”

Spike flopped back on his pillow. The old days. She talked like he was as old as that wanker, Angelus. To hell with Angelus. Angelus was history. Spike had the Slayer in his arms and he was going to everything in his power to make her forget all about his sire. He raised the whip and gave her a tiny sting on her rump. His chip gave him a tiny shock.

Buffy frowned, something she didn’t usually do when Spike had the whip in his hand.

From the stern look on her face, he saw he was not going to get laid until he resolved this business with the condoms.

“Yes, we had condoms.”

He didn’t want to say any more on the subject of what he did about sex when he was alive. The answer was exactly nothing because he’d been a virgin when Drusilla turned him. Virgin William did not fit in with his image of himself as the Big Bad.

“Did you use them? Back then, I mean?”

Exasperating female. “No, I didn’t use them, back then.”

Human William, the old days, sex and no condom using.

“You were a virgin, weren’t you?”

“Bloody hell! Can’t a bloke get shagged without the Spanish Inquisition?”

Satisfied she was correct, that pre-bloody William had been totally lame in the sex department, she concluded Spike’s real problem was he didn’t know how to put a condom on. She considered herself an expert after all those demonstrations with long, pointy vegetables she received in high school health class. She tore open one of the packets with her teeth.

“I’ll put it on for you, Spike,” she whispered in his ear and slid her hand around his hard cock.

Spike forgot what he was arguing about when she stroked him with her warm, little hand. She made him so hard, he hurt.

“It’s a French tickler,” she said. “I heard they’re the best kind.”

“Bugger the French.” He peeled back one of the cups on her bustier and sucked on her taut, rosy-pink nipple. If he could sink his fangs into that tender pillow of flesh, he’d self-combust.

He barely noticed when Buffy rolled the condom down his cock and he couldn’t feel the thing, except for a pleasant tingle, when she pushed him on his back and slid herself onto him. She was warm and tight as ever. He bit her neck with his blunt teeth, a poor substitute for his sharp fangs, and jerked hard when he spilled his seed inside her. When he regained something resembling rational thought, he decided he’d been making a fuss over nothing, not that he was about to admit any such thing to his girl.

Buffy was having very different thoughts.

French ticklers were – Wow – they were beyond hot with those little ridges and the tickly parts and the whole tingly thing. She came so fast, she hardly had enough time to enjoy the whole Spike experience. She blamed Spike for teasing her and arguing when he could have been giving her what she wanted.

Condoms were kind of messy, but better than all the gross stuff she’d been using.

She rewarded Spike with another blowjob. Positive Reinforcement.

***

The sun had set when Willow woke up from her nap and switched on her lamp. There was no sign of Buffy, which was a relief. If Willow left soon, she might miss Buffy altogether that evening and not be forced to initiate the Condom Encouragement Conversation until tomorrow.

Willow didn’t know whether to be relieved or afraid when she saw the box of condoms was gone.