Many Many thanks to Slaymesoftly for the beta work. Also, much thanks to my readers. Seven Days has been nominated at the Fang Fetish awards for 'Best Sex' and 'Best Alternate Reality'.

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all characters are not of my creation and not to be
Blamed on me.

Chapter Comments: Spike vents

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The Fourth Night


The relief was almost enough to knock her down. Buffy’s hands were trembling on the steering wheel. There he was. It looked almost as if he was waiting for her.

Spike was standing in front of the entrance to the school, his back to her. The blanket had been cast aside in the yard. It was already dark, so he was perfectly safe from everything but himself. He simply stood and stared.

Buffy got out of the car, quickly heading towards him. When she saw that he wasn’t going to run from her again she slowed her pace, keeping a respectful silence as she came to stand by his side.

He didn’t even look at her. It was as if he had been hypnotized by the school itself. Buffy wondered for a moment what would happen if he had gone to the actual Hellmouth.

Swallowing hard, she tried for conversation. “Spike…”

“Looks nice and clean, doesn’t it?”

She blinked at him. She hadn’t really expected him to say anything, especially since his gaze hadn’t even flickered in her direction. Buffy looked at the school, only to realize that it indeed looked untouched. Nothing was out of place. There was no damage from the battle or the students.

“No one could have fixed it that fast…” Spike had a suspicious tone to his voice and Buffy felt something close to dread. “It should show something, right? Some…some SIGN of what happened!”

He had finally moved. He had stepped away from her, moving closer to the entrance of the school. “There was a battle here!” he insisted. “And it should bloody well show it!” He picked up a rock from the ground and hurled it at the school, and Buffy jumped from the sound of glass shattering in one of the windows. “It should show…SOMETHING!” Another window shattered under the impact of the rock hurled through it. The next large rock he threw all his weight into and it crashed right through the wood of the door, sending splinters everywhere and knocking the door right off one of its hinges.

Buffy knew what he was doing, and she kept her distance. She knew that he wasn’t just angry about the moment he discovered the truth, he was raging against everything he had had to endure. He was raging against the insanity, the torture and his own death. What was worse, he still didn’t know if it was real or just something else his messed with mind had played out for him to believe.

Spike snapped a massive branch off a nearby tree and hurled it with all of his might at the second story of the school, sending its pieces through three windows as it broke against the brick wall. Buffy cringed at the sound of the desk breaking inside one of the classrooms. Off – balance from the powerful throw, Spike stumbled and fell to his knees. He stayed there, breathing heavily.

Buffy approached hesitantly, not wanting to startle him in his rage. She stopped just behind him and gently placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t.” His voice was soft, but Buffy pulled away, swallowing back emotion and feeling like she had been burned

He stood abruptly and turned to face her, eyes ablaze with accusation. “Why haven’t they called, Buffy?”

She blinked at him, at a loss. “What?”

“Your friends…your sister…you said they’ve been in L.A. this entire time, visiting the hospital and the Great Poof. Why haven’t I heard the phone ring once? Wouldn’t they want an update, want to check in?”

He was backing away from her again, as if she were some dangerous figment. Buffy swallowed hard, noticing his clenching jaw and the emotion in his eyes…there was definite anger, and a strange desperation there.

“I…” She took a couple of deep breaths, hating the slight tremble in her voice. “Spike…I didn’t want you to find out this way…I know you must be hurting…it wasn’t fair, you shouldn’t have had to die down there…”

Spike narrowed his eyes at her. “Die? You think I’m upset about dyin’?”

Buffy faltered, suddenly thrown off. “Well…yeah, I…I kinda figured that would be why…”

He shook his head, turning away from her before beginning to pace like a crazed caged animal. “Dying I can live with…” He stopped suddenly. “Well…uh, no, I guess I can’t…” He resumed his pacing. “What I mean is…” He stopped to stare at her, the muscle in his jaw twitching again as he glared back at her. “I couldn’t have thought up a better death if I tried. I couldn’t have asked for more than what we accomplished…”

He sighed heavily, closing his eyes. Buffy could have sworn she saw them shimmer right before they closed. “At least…I thought I couldn’t. I thought I couldn’t until I woke up to your face, your voice, and your touch…” He sank slowly back to his knees. “I’ve gotten through the battles…I’ve endured the madness, and the tortures…” He wouldn’t look at her at first, his body trembling. Finally, he looked up at her again and their gazes locked. Buffy couldn’t help but feel a wave of guilt and sorrow as she saw the resigned and weary look on his face. He seemed to have aged in just a day. “But if I had to endure finding out that none of this was real…that everything we’ve done and everything you said never happened…”

Spike shook his head, a tear trailing slowly down his cheek. “It would break me.”

Swallowing hard, Buffy realized she couldn’t hold back her questions anymore. “Why didn’t you believe me?” She knew she was being selfish. She should be reassuring him, explaining things to him, but instead the part that thought only of Buffy pushed itself to the surface.

He blinked at her for a moment, his eyes still misty with unshed tears. “What?”

“On the Hellmouth… in the end…I told you that I loved you…” She looked down, avoiding his eyes at all cost. “And you didn’t believe me.”

To her surprise, she heard a choked laugh from him, and some of his old snark returning. “Yeah, cause you were always so loving and tender before.”

Her gaze shot back up to his. Buffy could feel the old habit of punching him in the nose whenever he became too annoying begging to come back in full force. “I was being serious.”

“So was I.”

Buffy stepped back, a little surprised by the venom in his voice. He stood up, his legs no longer shaking. “What is that supposed to mean?” Buffy wished she could make herself sound angrier, though part of her knew that she had no right to be.

He slowly forced his anger down, and the effort it took was obvious on his face. “Just…forget about it. The list is far too long.”

Buffy could see it. She could see the anger and resentment built up over years…everything that he had pushed back to do what was right for her without any real thought of himself. “No…I won’t forget it. That’s the point to ALL of this.” She moved suddenly closer to him so they were only inches apart. “Tell me, Spike…tell me why you think I didn’t love you.”

Spike narrowed his eyes at her, the anger quickly returning to the surface. “Maybe it was the many times you beat it into my skull that you never could.”

Buffy felt like she had received a physical blow; although she knew the blow was nothing compared to what the reality of it had done to him. She swallowed her pride and pushed back her own emotions, then nodded to him. “Go on.”

His eyes widened a bit; obviously unable to believe that she wasn’t about to argue with him about how she had been in the right. He looked at her suspiciously for a moment, then began to pace again, unable to hold still as the hurt he had pushed aside rose to the surface, no longer within his control.

“Alright…let’s start at the beginning, shall we?” Buffy could see some of the old Spike coming to the surface, guns loaded. “I can’t really blame you for anything you did while we were mortal enemies…wasn’t personal, just duty and all that rot. And I can’t really blame you for the way you reacted to my confession of love – that was just bloody stupid. Then again, I had been living among nothing but demons for the last 120 years, so forgive me if I was a little rusty as far as what was acceptable in courting a human woman.”

He sighed, leveling his gaze on Buffy again. “So let’s get down to where the injustice really began…right after I was tortured by Glory. You told me that what I had done was real, and that you wouldn’t forget it.”

Buffy stared at him, completely confused. “I…”

“You lied.”

Her eyes widened. “I did not! I didn’t forget it…”

“Yes, you did,” he interrupted with a slightly raised voice. “You forgot it every chance you got. You especially forgot when we were together. Every time you didn’t want to believe that I could love you, you took a real good look at the monster that I had been, and never gave a single thought to the man who would have let himself be killed that night, just to make sure you wouldn’t have to face the pain of loosing your sister!”

The Slayer was struck speechless, so she decided to follow that instinct and just remain silent while the vampire in front of her finally got a chance to speak his piece-probably the last chance he would ever get for it.

“Oh, and speaking of our mockery of a relationship…let’s travel back to that first kiss, shall we?” He smiled bitterly. “Or better yet, after it. The kiss itself was a wonderful moment…the first that wasn’t spell-induced or done out of pity or gratitude. It was the first kiss where it was actually you, in your right mind, wanting to jump my bones. Of course, you wouldn’t actually admit that. In fact, for a good long while after, you made sure to let me know just how DISGUSTING you found me.” He put a harsh emphasis on the word that made Buffy wince.

“It wasn’t bad enough that I was chucked out of the group after spending three months fighting by their sides and taking care of the Niblit, but to then be shut out COMPLETELY, just because you couldn’t face the fact that you wanted me –!” He turned away, for a moment unable to continue. Buffy thought of approaching him and trying to comfort him. She reached out a hand towards his arm, but to her horror he yanked it away.

“Now, how about we talk about our first time together? Now that was good. When people say they brought the house down, they normally can’t mean it literally.”

Buffy blushed and looked away from him.

“But the morning after,” he continued. “That left a bit of something to be desired. Maybe it was your insistence that it would never happen again, maybe it was your disgust with everything I said or did, your breaking my nose, or your threats of ending my life if I so much as told a single person about what had happened that night…”

Spike sighed, taking in the sight of Buffy’s trembling lip and the eyes that would not meet his. “I said some things…” he continued. “Some stupid things that day, so no, I can’t blame you for all of it. The night before I could have sworn all my dreams had come true, yet after our hours of mind-blowing sex you wouldn’t even let me touch you in a way that was gentle. I didn’t hold you in my arms that night because you wouldn’t let me. That’s when I knew that in your mind nothing had changed…and that hurt a hell of a lot more than I thought it would.”

Buffy nodded slowly, still not interrupting, even when she wanted to scream at him and cry and make him say it was all in the past, all forgiven…but she knew better. It was all in the past for her, she had left it behind her, but she couldn’t expect him to do the same yet.

To Buffy’s relief, she saw a slight smile on his lips. “Of course…” Spike said. “Being with a psychopath for over a century didn’t exactly teach me the most romantic pillow talk, either.”

His expression hardened once more. “But despite the fact that you threatened my life and gave me a nice broken nose to go home with, I was also the one you came running to as soon as there was trouble. You didn’t trust me to hold you the night before, didn’t want that from me, but as soon as little sis was in danger you came demanding my help, and not ONCE did it ever cross my mind to deny you.”

“That set the pattern for our every get-together. You would jump my bones, use me to scratch your little itch and we’d tear apart whatever place we happened to be using. You’d remind me of how disgusting I was and how you couldn’t give a damn about me, couldn’t love me, couldn’t trust me…you always forgot the fact that I had actually tried to earn your trust and that I was still trying.. Yeah, I made some mistakes…no soul, you know, so I didn’t get that handy ability to automatically know the whole right/wrong thing. I had to actually try to suss it out with very little before-hand knowledge to work with.”

“By the way!” He interrupted his own rant. “I DO have a soul now,” he pointed to his own chest, “and I still think that trying to turn yourself in, abandon Dawn, and throw away your life for some girl you thought you had accidentally killed while trying to save her life, was one of the most STUPID bloody FUCKING things you’ve ever tried to do!”

Buffy winced at his suddenly harsh tone and took a step back as he came up close to her, glaring down at her in rage.

“Yeah, my way of trying to solve the problem wasn’t all that much better, but…” The rage had melted from his eyes, replaced by a sorrow that brought a lump to Buffy’s throat to see. “Did you know that I barely made it back to my crypt that night, Slayer? I barely escaped sunrise…but no, you didn’t know. You had no way of knowing that I could barely make it out of that alley…because you didn’t give me a backwards glance.”

Her eyes filling with tears, Buffy tried to look down at the patch of lawn between them. But instead Spike took hold of her chin and raised her face so she was forced to look into his saddened eyes again.

“It wasn’t your fists, pet…I didn’t mind taking your blows. It wasn’t even your words, really…they stung like hell, yeah…but I had heard the whole ‘evil soulless thing’ and how you could never be mine…I had heard that all before. It broke my heart a dozen times, but I didn’t think anything you said or did could actually get to me…until you just got up and walked away. You didn’t even look back, or check the alley once you had left the police station…you just left me lying there, and let me know exactly what I was to you…worthless.”

Buffy felt a sob shake her body. She reached up and touched the hand that still cupped her chin. She wrapped her fingers around his wrist and stroked the back of his hand softly, as if trying to sooth the aches she had left in him, even though it was far too late.

“Clem had to take care of me that night, you know. I was half way to my crypt when he found me. Both my eyes were swollen shut, I couldn’t even see where I was going, just had to hope that memory was good enough. I kept hoping…” Spike had to stop for a moment, taking a deep breath and steadying his voice. “That you would come…just once…that maybe I was wrong, that maybe you were just distracted and didn’t have time…that maybe you would come and at least see if I was alive…”

Her voice was a mere whisper. “But I never did…” A tear slid slowly down her cheek, falling onto Spike’s fingertips as his hand moved up from her chin to caress her face.

“Days went by…my face and ribs healed…I didn’t make an issue out of any of it, I was too busy with my little scheme by then…”

“The eggs.”

“Yeah…” He nodded, pulling his hand back from her. Buffy almost sobbed again from the loss of contact. “Further proof that I still didn’t understand the entire right/wrong concept. Didn’t know how buggered I was until after you started throwing more contempt than usual my way. I didn’t think about what the little critters were for…all I knew is I didn’t want you to rot in that grease pit any more…I didn’t want you to have to constantly worry about bills and Dawn when you already had slaying-“

“What do you mean?” Buffy interrupted, frowning slightly. “What did we have to do with…?”

He sighed. “They were for you, Buffy.”

The Slayer studied him, suddenly speechless.

Spike continued: “The money I would have gotten for those eggs…it would have been more than enough for you to stop working at the Double Stink. Bloody hell, it would have been enough to save some left over for Dawn.” He shook his head. “I didn’t think about the victims those creatures would have claimed, or how you would have looked at the right and wrong…all I thought about was how my girls were suffering. All I could think about was that with those eggs, I could actually have given you something you needed. I wouldn’t have been completely useless. I would have had…SOMETHING to give.”

Buffy shook her head, staring up at Spike with shock for a moment. “Why didn’t you…?”

“Tell you?” He raised an eyebrow.

She could only nod.

“Would it have mattered? You and Captain Cardboard still would have had a grand old time blowing my home up, no matter what I had said. You also would have made sure you had left me with some bruises: After all, you couldn’t let someone think you actually cared for the evil soulless dead thing you were sleeping with.” Buffy cringed while Spike gave a sigh, again trying to reign in his temper. “But the worst of it…the very worst…was the hope. You came to me…you asked me to show you my love for once…you wanted it soft and tender, you wanted me to show you how much I loved and wanted you…so yeah, for a few precious hours I dared to hope. I still didn’t hold you in my arms afterwards because that hope was still new, and I thought that if I pushed it too far you would go running off again.” He laughed bitterly. “I didn’t even guess the worst of it.”

“Then, on top of all of this, you ended it, told me that it was only real for me, and then told me that I should move on. And then you have the gall…the NERVE to dare be pissed off when I sleep with someone else! It wasn’t any of your bloody business anymore; YOU were the one who ended it! And you actually had the audacity to act all self righteous about it, like some horrible wrong had been committed against YOU!”

The anger was back. Buffy took a slight step back. She wanted to say something, wanted to defend herself, but she knew that it wasn’t her time to speak. Spike had taken all of this pain to the grave, and it was time for him to unload it.

“And what do I do? Do I stand up for myself, let you know that it’s none of your bloody business? No, I come crawling to you as soon as I heard your poor feelins had been hurt and get ready to just about get down on my knees and beg YOUR forgiveness.”

He shook his head, disbelieving of his own actions. “You know…” He swallowed hard. “You have no idea what it means to me that you’ve forgiven me for what I’ve done…even though I’ll never forgive myself. But you’ve always acted like you were the only one that had been hurting, who had been wronged… And, you see, there’s a big difference between you and me in this, luv…I tried. I tried to be better, to be what you needed…I tried to be a good lover to you, and after I committed what even I knew was a terrible wrong, I TRIED to make it better…even if I never could. I went to the ends of the earth to try – for you.” He paced back and forth for a moment, pulling his duster tighter around himself as if it could protect him from the coldness she had shown. “You never tried for me.”

Buffy moved closer to him, wanting to be close, wanting to comfort him…wanting to try for him. She shivered in shame.

“I came back here with the soul…broken. When 120 years worth of pain and guilt piles on top of you in one instant, it doesn’t leave much of your mind intact.” He allowed her to move closer. He stood right in front of her again, and Buffy avoided his gaze when she saw the anger rising in him. “I had fought, I had endured…and I had let myself be broken so I could be a better man – for you. And what was it you told me, luv?” He leaned closer to her, eyes narrowed. “Oh, that’s right…you wanted the old Spike back.” His voice was a low growl. “The Spike that tried to kill you when we first met…the Spike that you never wanted in the first place!” Buffy closed her eyes as another tear trailed slowly down her cheek. “You didn’t like how I tended to get – how was it you said it? – Weepy and whaled on.” He nodded. “You made it quite clear that my suffering was to be done on your time table. Oh, and let’s not forget the face sucking with Peaches on the very same night I held you in my arms, that was a well placed stake in the chest too.”

“But I wasn’t thinking about any of this at that moment…” He turned away from her, ignoring her tears as she struggled to swallow them back. “At that moment…the only reason I didn’t really believe you was simply because…” He turned back to her, finding her eyes shinning with tears and staring widely up at him. “Because you didn’t say anything until the end. You didn’t tell me until you knew I was dying.”

Buffy worked up the courage to reach out to him again. She knew that if he pulled away again it would break her heart. But to her relief, he didn’t pull away. He allowed her to take first one hand, then the other. She rubbed the back of his hands gently with her thumbs.

“I shouldn’t be saying these things…” Spike said, his anger completely faded and replaced only by sorrow. “You’ve done a lot for me…you took me in when I needed help, you believed in me when no one else did, you made me a better man…”

“No.” Buffy was surprised by the very firm tone of her own voice. “Spike, stop.”

He shook his head. “Buffy, I only meant…”

“NO,” she repeated. “Spike, you’ve had your turn. Now it’s my turn. So shut up and listen for a minute.”

The vampire narrowed his eyes, but kept his mouth shut as he waited for her to continue.

“I didn’t make you better, Spike. You did that.” She was staring up into his eyes, willing herself not to look away. “You made yourself a better man. It was your love that sent you all the way to the other side of the world to achieve what everyone else was sure was impossible.”

His eyes widened slightly, and he slowly tilted his head, studying her.

Buffy took a deep breath, determined to go on. “That’s what you do, Spike…you…you shake things up, and turn things around on their heads…you shout and you fight, and you show everyone…and…and force everyone…to see…to see everything…to see you.”

She could see a glimmer in his eyes. He was now on the receiving end of all the emotion pouring out of her with every word, and Buffy wasn’t about to be merciful.

“You’ve always had more life than any living person I have ever known. You’ve always gotten under my skin and understood things that not even my closest friends could. You…you confused the HELL out of me, and always made me take a good hard look at myself. You confuse things…you always have…and you make it impossible to just hate you, even when I should. Even when you were evil, you had more devotion and humanity in you than I could stand to think about…and so much intensity in everything you felt that it was hard just to be around you. And…you scared me. You scared me because I knew you weren’t going anywhere, I knew that you loved with EVERYTHING inside of you and I didn’t know how to do that…and I didn’t know what it was about you that would make me want to.”

“You showed me all of you, gave me all of you…and I threw it away.” It was Spike’s turn to look away now, not meeting her eyes. It was Buffy’s turn to place a hand gently on his face and guide his gaze back to hers. “You loved so much that you did things that should have been impossible for a demon…you loved me even when I was gone, and I never once thought about the pain I could have been causing you when I came back. I was so wrapped up in my own…I was so wrapped up in my own little world that I didn’t even notice that you were showing me all that you could be. I didn’t even look. I just saw what I wanted to see…what was easier to except…a vampire, a demon…with an obsession or an infatuation.”

Swallowing hard, Buffy traced her fingertips slowly across Spike’s face. She used her touch to memorize and admire every feature. She kept her eyes to his, absorbing the bare emotions that she had always shied away from before.

“That day…on the Hellmouth…those last moments…I saw you, Spike…I really SAW you…all of you. I saw the courage, the love, the devotion…I saw the intensity, the light, the dark…I saw the snarky warrior and the sweet hearted man…I saw the madness, and the burden, and the guilt…I saw the vampire that had enough light in him even as a demon to face the pain and become a man. I saw everything…everything I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen before…” The hope and yearning that was written on his face was almost painful to observe. Buffy pulled him closer so that their bodies were touching, so that she could release his hands and wrap her arms around him. “And there was no way I couldn’t love it. You’re an amazing man, William, and there was no way that I could have left that place without you knowing.”

She could feel the trembling of his body in her arms. She wrapped one arm around his waist and brought her other hand up to the back of his neck, pulling his head down to her shoulder. She closed her eyes and rested her cheek against his, needing for him to be close. “Please, Spike…please, please forgive me…” His grip on her tightened and he tried to move his face away from hers, but she wouldn’t allow it. She held on to him tightly, her words coming out in soft sobs. “Forgive me, please…I don’t think I once told you how sorry I was, how ashamed…please let me now…” Buffy could feel his tears trail down his cheeks to mingle with her own. She clutched him to her. “Please…” She brushed a kiss against his ear. “Let me try for you…”