Spike felt as if he were walking the bleeding Green Mile. His heart may not have beat for the last one hundred twenty-one years, but it damn sure was breaking right then. Crumbling into itty bitty pieces… He only made it several yards into the cave before he broke down, sobbing, bracing himself against the cold, stone, cave wall before sliding down to earthen floor, holding his head in his hands as he wept.

Bloody hell. I actually went through with it.

“Buffy… I’m so sorry, love,” he sobbed to himself.

He missed her already.

~~~~~~

Buffy went back to the upper level in a daze. She made it outside of the crypt into the sunlight before she dropped to her knees and dry heaved. She felt as if her organs had collapsed in on themselves as her heart exploded.

It was such a physical thing, the breaking of one's heart.

How she wished she could remove her heart; it hurt so much— too much. She cried out in pain and tears streamed down her face. She couldn't take it. She felt incredibly ill.

Buffy braced her hands on the ground, gripping the blades of grass as she breathed deeply. But the stabbing pain in her heart, constricting her entire chest wouldn’t cease, and refused to be assuaged. Regardless, she fought through the pain, and slowly stood up.

With each, slow step she took, the pang seemed to intensify. She decided to run, hoping the burn in her lungs would override the other… It didn’t help, but she kept running, tears streaming down her face in the morning sunshine. Even though the Sun’s rays should have been comforting, she couldn’t help but feel a dead coldness in her bones. Spike had left her, just like the rest. But to be fair, it was provoked. It had been her fault. She pushed him away with her denials, and her hang-ups, and her insecurities.

She finally discovered Spike’s breaking point.

God, how she wished she hadn’t…

By the time she reached her home, she felt as if she would pass out on the lawn. Instead, she walked slowly down the walk and up the porch steps. It was almost noon, so she’d have the house to herself for a couple of hours at least. Willow wouldn’t be home until five while Dawn wouldn’t be home until about four-ish. She would be able to be depressed alone, for awhile. It was comforting and disheartening at the same time.

By the time she made it up to her room, she realized that she was terribly thirsty, but was beyond caring. She collapsed on her bed before the tears started up again. She thought she had been all cried out. Really, she had. But it wasn’t that easy. Even though her mind willed her to stop this, attempting to bring on the numbness and indifference, the rest of her refused to listen. So she just lay there, hoping the pain would just go away.

Hope was a lying bitch.

~~~~~

She just had to see if they would get back together again; if this would be the point where they’d cross paths, and realize that yes, they were truly in love, and nothing would stand in the way with that. Dawn cursed Jackie Collins for ending the chapter right there, with a big ol’ cliffhanger, and skipping the enigmatic romance between Lucky and Lenny until the chapter after next. It was just as well, for she was a bit hungry.

Dawn took her headphones out of her ears and put her bookmark in “Lucky” before putting it on her bed. It might have seemed a bit lame, her opting to go home and attempt to finish reading what was becoming her favorite novel as opposed to going to the show on Staff Meeting Day, but she was just way too enthralled in the novel. It was on the verge of obsession. Her friend had loaned her a book in French class when there was a sub and nothing to do, and she’d been hooked ever since. Jackie Collins was queen.

Dawn got out of bed, gave a quick stretch, and opened up her bedroom door. Just as she was about to walk down the stairs, she heard this… whimpering noise coming from Buffy’s room. With a furrowed brow, she turned and headed in that direction. Her sister’s door was slightly cracked open, and she pushed on it gently. She saw her lying horizontally on her bed, legs dangling off the edge as her body slightly shook. She then brought her legs close to her body, and inhaled deeply into the pillow she was clutching to her.

“Buffy?” she asked uncertainly, slowly walking closer to the bed. Buffy jerked upwards, wild eyed as if she had been caught doing something she didn’t want Dawn to see. Her eyes were red and puffy around the lids, and her cheeks were wet with tears.

“Dawn? What are you doing here?” Buffy sniffed, rubbing at her eyes furiously. It was of no use, of course. Dawn was fully aware that she had been crying for awhile.

“We got out early and, popular girl that I am, opted to come home. What happened, Buffy?” she asked, full of concern as she sat down on the edge of the bed, next to her sister. Buffy just clutched the pillow to her again.

“It… it still smells… like him.” She scrunched up her brow, troubled, and swallowed deeply. She shook her head slowly, more tears seeping out. “It’s all I have… It’s all I have left,” she whispered. Dawn’s eyes grew wide as a cold fear gripped her. She gripped Buffy’s arm tightly as her breath hitched in her throat.

“Is… is it Spike? Is he…” Dawn couldn’t finish the horrible thought, and looked at her expectantly. Buffy nodded dumbly. Dawn made a sound that was between a gasp and a sob, and began to cry too.

“He’s gone. Left me alone…”

“No! He can’t… You must’ve got it wrong. He can’t be dead, he just can’t…” Buffy looked up at Dawn, confused, and then realized what she meant.

“Oh, no, Dawnie, I… I didn’t mean that’s he’s… He’s okay.”

“Buffy! Don’t scare me like that!” Dawn said, getting up and away from her, standing by the window, attempting to slow her racing heart, and trying not to cry.

“I’m sorry Dawn. I just mess up everything.”

Dawn stood in silence for a moment, letting everything digest. When she finally collected herself, she took a deep breath and headed back towards her sister, sitting back down next to her gingerly.

“He… he broke up with you? Is… is that what—”

“Yes. Riley he…”

“Oh no, you didn’t like mack on Riley when he came—”

“No. Absolutely not,” she interrupted with a hint of disgust. “Riley… he set Spike up, and I believed him. Spike told me, and I didn’t listen. I chose to believe Riley, and Spike couldn’t bare it. And he shouldn’t have. I should’ve believed… in him,” she said slowly, clearly and quietly, fat tears still rolling down her cheeks.

“Riley? He set Spike up? Why would he—”

“Because he hates Spike, and I shouldn’t have trusted him. Riley’s a liar, and he ruined… I ruined it. I love Spike so much, but I ruined it. And it hurts so much. It hurts so bad, Dawn.” Buffy clutched one hand at the pillow, the other grasping at her shirt towards her heart. “And it just won’t stop. The pain… he left me, and I couldn’t stop him. I didn’t know how.”

“You betrayed… him,” Dawn ground out, feeling sad for her as well as angry at the same time.

“I did. And I don’t know how to fix it.”

Dawn, taking pity on her, pulled Buffy towards her and held her, as Buffy clutched at her as if she were her last life line.

“You will, Buffy. You’ll find a way.”

Dawn hoped desperately that she was right.

~~~~~

“It’s been two bloody days since I’ve seen her. I think I made a mistake,” Spike said before downing another swallow of bourbon. Clem shook his head, putting D batteries into his portable CD player.

“Dude, you totally had to do it. She was stripping of your self respect, man! Destroyed half your crib… You had to put your foot down, and show that you had some backbone. You had to show her that you are a man… pire,” Clem finished, pushing power and turning on an unknown song for Spike.

“That better not be country anything.”

“No, of course not. It’ll do just the trick.” Clem pressed play, and Elton John’s “I Want Love” began to filter out.

I want love, but it’s impossible. A man like me- so irresponsible. A man like me is dead in places. Other men feel liberated. But I can’t love; shot full of holes. Don’t feel nothing, I just feel cold…”

Spike looked at him with an arch of his eyebrow.

“And this is supposed to help me how?”

“Come on, man. Just… feel the lyrics.” Spike got up from his comfy chair.

“Yea, I feel them alright. Feel a lot more crappy too,” he said, looking at the now empty bottle in disdain. He tossed it aside into a corner before getting another one.

I want a love, won’t break me down; won’t brick me up; won’t fence me in…

“I’ll probably see her tomorrow, you know. At Harris’s wedding. She’s a bridesmaid,” he said somberly, opening the new bottle.

I want love on my own terms…

The words were really starting to bother him. Of course he could want one, but he would never get a love on his own terms. He’d be lucky if he got love at all out of her.

“Hey, turn that soddin’ thing off,” he gritted out angrily, stalking over towards Clem. Clem quickly turned it off before his peeved friend smashed his radio or something.

“Alright; okay. Just thought it’d help,” Clem said, grabbing a spicy buffalo wing.

“S’ alright… I just need to talk to her.”

“Spike, just promise me you won’t go groveling. You were right, and she was wrong. Let her come to you.”

“Right. I’ll wait and let her come to me,” he repeated, although he knew he probably wouldn’t…

~~~~~

Spike contemplated bringing a date with him. As back up, of course. Just in case the Slayer opted to do the same, he wouldn’t be alone and would have someone to fall back on. But in the end, he didn’t. He showed up alone.

He walked in, cautiously, and saw a whole lot of people (and demons) who weren’t apart of the Scooby gang. He walked around a bit through the throngs of people, and finally saw Dawnie talking to a demon. She saw him out of the corner of her eye, and turned to look at him fully. He saw her mouth “excuse me” to the boy before walking towards him. The look on her face was completely unreadable.

Nibblet would be bloody fantastic at poker.

“Hi, Spike,” she said evenly.

“‘Ello, pet.” He gave her a nod.

“You look… spiffy. Dress clothes and new boots.” Dawn remembered him sitting on the couch, nervous holding a bouquet of flowers on his and Buffy’s first date. She push the thought away.

“Well, it is a wedding after all.”

Dawn looked to the left and right at the people milling about, and he knew who she was looking out for. Her hands were clasped in front of her, and he could tell she was nervous. Her face didn’t say anything, but her body language spoke volumes. She was… uncomfortable around him.

Bloody hell.

“Dawn-”

“Spike, obviously I don’t know everything that went on with you and Buffy. And I feel like… like you should be the bad guy right now, but I just can’t… I can’t seem to muster up that type of feeling towards you.” When Spike remained silent, she continued.

“It sounds like Buffy made a mistake, and believe me, she’s sorry for it. But whatever happens, or doesn’t happen with you and my sister, I just don’t want you to let our relationship become collateral damage afterwards. I don’t want you to just disappear. I don’t want you to leave.”

Leave me too she thought silently.

“Dawn, I…”

“I have to um, go do that thing that I need to do,” she said, abruptly turning away.

“Dawnie!”

She stopped and turned back to look at him. He strode towards her and gripped both of her upper arms. “You’ll always be my lil’ Bit, alright? No matter how old, or tall you get. And no matter how much your sister… hates and or resents me for whatever reason. Got that?” She smiled at him before turning away, still hoping that he’d work things out with Buffy.

Spike gave a sigh as he watched her walk away. He went in the opposite direction, in search of a drink when he saw her. She had that deer caught in the headlights look, but didn’t move. They both just stood there, apart from each other, looking. Bollocks he thought, ignoring everything that Clem had said and took the first step towards her. He walked to her, eyes never leaving hers, and nervous as all hell. He took a deep, unneeded breath before speaking.

“Hello, Buffy.”

“Spike.” She swallowed deeply. “You look nice,” she said, averting her eyes.

“Thanks, luv.”

He called me luv… oh god.

“Happy occasion, innit?”

“Yeah… happy,” she said sadly, looking at him.

“You want me to go?” he asked, damning himself cause he knew he’d leave if she asked him to.

“No. No, I… you have every right to be here. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have-”

“No, you were just… God, this is hard.” He sighed, looking up at the ceiling, hating himself for not letting her take the blame. Hell, it was her fault. But on the other hand… “You were just doing your job,” he finished, kinda sorta letting her off the hook. She shook her head at that.

“Too bad I did such a crappy job at it the other night.”

“You look… you look beautiful,” he said wistfully with his sexy head tilt. “You glow.”

“That’s because the dress is radioactive.” Spike scoffed at that, and they shared an amused look. The moment didn’t last of course, and they both resumed a somber mood.

“I should uh… I should just piss off. Give my best or whatever to the happy couple.”

“I will.” Spike nodded and turned to walk off.

“Spike?”

“Yea?” He looked at her expectantly.

“I know I messed up, but… can we at least be friends?” He gave her a rueful smile at that.

“Don’t you know, love? Folks like you and me… never can be friends.” Cause I can’t stop loving you, and you’ll never let yourself love me he thought. “Too much history to ignore and start fresh.”

“But… It hurts. I miss you.” Spike’s eyes widened slightly in shock, but then he remembered himself.

“It happens. But you’ll get over it, I’m sure.” A lot quicker than me he thought, turning away.

“No, I won’t,” Buffy whispered, watching him go.