...Deliver me from my loneliness if...
...only if you knew I'd fight through hell for you
despite every ache, bruise and scar you've put me through.

I think you know what I really miss:

I trust you with my wrists
because your grip is on my heart:
Then,
now,
and forever,
but never apart.

~Crazyhumanaut




“Spike! What are you doing here? Not that I mind you being here, because I like to see you, it’s just I get so damn nervous lately because I don’t know how to be around you anymore. And it doesn’t help that you now spend most of your time avoiding me,” Buffy finished, looking horribly confused. Spike furrowed his brow, looking at her.

“Um… Yea. Anya here?”

“Nope. I’m watching the shop for her for a couple of hours while she hangs out with that skank ho bag of a friend of hers Hallie, who asked about you, by the way. I mean, who the hell does she think she is? Referring to you as William? I swear, I wanted to cause her bodily harm. But she wanted Anya to hang with her so that she’d stop being mopey about Xander, not that that’s gonna happen anytime soon just cause she has a couple of drinks, cause hey, if it were that easy, I’d have just had a couple of shots after you dumped me, consequently breaking my heart, not that I’m a hundred percent sure you’re even aware of that fact— breaking my heart at the time, cause I never said ‘I love you,’ even though I do love you, and I’m still in love with you in fact. I probably should’ve said all that sooner, but I was reasonably afraid of doing so. Like Anya said, ‘stomp, stomp, stomp all over Buffy’s heart without looking back,’ only you managed to do that regardless…” she trailed off, looking absolutely mortified. She slapped both of her hands over mouth with a smothered squeak, hoping this was all some god awful nightmare. Spike squint his eyes at her considerably, and he found he was having a severe case of dry mouth.

“You… Are you under some kind of spell?” he asked, because the things that she was saying, for the most part, had to be nonsense. Either that, or she was playing a more than cruel joke on him. Buffy removed her hands slowly, taking her eyes off of him briefly as she stood up from the round table before looking at him again.

“I must be.” His heart dropped at that. “I certainly wouldn’t be this forthcoming with information otherwise. But I’m not lying about a single thing— this is all me; one hundred percent Buffy. If you could read my mind right now, which is moot cause I’m saying every single thing that’s on my mind for some crazy reason or other, this is what I’d be thinking. Now I’m pretty much thinking ‘what the hell?’”

Spike felt pinpricks in the corners of his eyes at that.

Could she really…

“Are you saying…. You’re saying you were in love with me?”

“I still am,” she corrected quietly.

“When?” he asked just as quiet. Expressions of shock and awe warred over his features. She took a deep breath as she walked around to the front of the table, leaning on its edge.

“Well, I considered falling in love with you when we first kissed at the end of the musical. I loved you when you wouldn’t let me go to that jail alone, and you just held me all night... I fell in love with you when you gave me that poem that I read every night until the day after you broke up with me, because then it was too much, and it felt like my heart was breaking all over again.”

“Were you ever going to tell me?”

A beat as her brow creased in concentration.

“I don’t know. I wanted to, but I was so scared.”

“Do you still love me?” Sadness and a bit of desperation tinted his voice, making it even deeper.

“Always, William,” she answered softly, feeling her heart race.

“Are you still in love with me?”

“I never fell out of love with you.”

They slowly began to gravitate to each other.

“Do you miss me?” she asked.

“Every second.”

“You don’t have to miss me anymore, you know. I’m right here, if you’ll have me. If you want me. Do you still want me?” Her voice was still in that quiet tone.

“Buffy,” he breathed out, pulling her to him, kissing her deeply as she wound her arms around him, underneath his coat, holding him. They moaned as they held each other tighter still, wanting to sink beneath the other’s skin. Buffy pulled away from him after a moment, looking into his eyes that were glassy from unshed tears of relief. He wiped a thumb softly across the apple of her cheek, and it was then that she realized that she had been crying.

“I’m sorry I hurt you. I trust you Spike, I do. With my life…”

She gasped when he picked her up, setting her atop the table. He pulled her shirt off, desperate for contact with her silky skin. He pulled down one side of her bra, sucking her hardened nipple into his mouth a “Hmm,” making her gasp. She leaned back onto the table, pulling him down with the lapels of his coat with her. He lifted his head, looking at her.

“I missed you. Missed you every bloody day…”

He trailed his long, nimble fingers down the sides of her torso before reaching down and pulling up her long, black skirt. Buffy brought her legs up, resting the heels of her boots on the edge of the table. He lightly touched her through her panties as she reached for his belt.

“I didn’t miss just this. I missed you, Buffy. All of you. And I’m sorry for—”

“No, don’t. I know. Can we just skip it? Forget about it? I love you, and you love me, and that’s all that counts.” Spike dipped his head and kissed her again in response.

“Need you. Need you…” he murmured, as she unbuckled his belt and unzipped his pants. She took his erection into her hands, pulling back the skin. He pulled aside her panties, and slammed his way into her slick entrance, making her cry out in pleasure. He paused inside of her, trailing his fingers gently down the side of her face.

“I love you so much, Buffy. I never meant to hurt you, luv. I thought I was alone in that.” Buffy exhaled a sigh of relief, slowly thrusting her hips upwards, feeling him sink deeper into her. He slightly nodded as he began to move in a slow, languid pace.

“You’re my great love, Spike; the one that changed me for the better; the one that... moved through my soul. And I love you so much. Never felt anything like this.”

“I’ll never tire of hearing that,” he said, briefly closing his eyes at the sensation of hearing her profess her love to him again. He was getting an eargasm.

“I’ll never tire of saying it.”

“I was so worried, before… That you were merely pretending. I didn’t think you wanted me the way I wanted you,” he admitted.

“No. I never pretended anything. I was there with you… I’d have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to want you,” he grinned a bit at that.

“Didn’t always, you know. Want me.” She bit her lower lip, grinning at him as well.

“You didn’t always want me either.”

“Yes I did,” he said, his voice that deep baritone again, staring at her, unblinking. She lost her breath for a moment when he looked at her like that, and met him thrust for thrust, urging him to go faster.

“Please, Spike,” she pleaded, crossing her legs on his back, bringing her hands up onto his shoulders. He stared into her eyes as he thrust into her without abandon. As much as Buffy wanted to maintain their eye contact, the sensations of him again after so long were too intense, and she threw her head back, gasping and panting as his ridge repeatedly caressed back and forth over the particularly tender spot inside of her…

*****

“Oh my god,” Jonathan said, eyes fixated on the screen.

“Is that the cam in the Magic Box?” Warren asked.

“Oh my god,” Jonathan repeated.

“What are they… oh,” Andrew said thoughtfully.

“Is that the Slayer? And—”

“Spike,” Jonathan cut Warren off.

“He is so cool,” Andrew said dreamily, mesmerized by Spike. Then he glanced at the others self consciously as he realized he said that bit out loud. “I mean, Buffy’s hot too.” He turned his head a bit as he watched her, mouth agape and eyes closed as the sex god that is Spike pumped into her.

“Dude…” Warren trailed off, continuing to watch intently.

*****

“Change for me,” she told him as she felt herself unbearably close. He scrunched up his brow, but did as she asked, staring at her with golden eyes. Buffy extended her neck out, slightly turning her head to the side.

“Buffy?”

“I just… I know you want to. Just, a little… brief bite,” she said, glancing back at him.

“You sure?” She moved her hands to the back of his neck, pulling him down to her.

“Do it,” she commanded. He quickly slid his fangs in, taking the barest hint of a pull of her blood before releasing her, growling as she shuddered and cried out, involuntarily tightening around him all over as she came, Spike following her into the abyss.

*****

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Willow said as she stood up, shocked at what she was seeing.

“I… what is she…” Xander trailed off.

“Eww,” Dawn said, turning her back, really not needing the visual in addition to the blatantly clear sound effects already in her head.

“That son of a bitch. Son of a bitch!” Xander yelled, as he watched Spike sink his fangs into her. Xander waited to see no more as he stormed out of the dining room. Dawn looked at Willow worriedly before following him into the living room.

“Xander, really, we aren’t even sure what it is we’re seeing. Here, let me just—” Willow looked up, realizing she was alone. Just as she was heading towards the living room, Dawn rushed in after her.

“Willow, Xander’s kind of lost it. I think he took Buffy’s axe.”

*****

“Why?” Spike whispered, hovering over her as she caressed his face with both her hands. The pair both ignored the phone ringing in the background. There was nothing in that moment but the two of them.

“Because I trust you, Spike. I just needed you to see that I meant it.” And she did. They lay in silence for a moment watching the other in silent awe. Spike smiled at her.

“Well, that was…”

“Yeah,” Buffy agreed. “Not meaning to ruin the moment, but we should probably get ourselves together, in case Anya or anyone else decides to mosey on in.”

“Mosey on in, eh?” he asked rhetorically with a grin. “Well then, best help the lady dress.”

He pushed up on his forearms, moving off of her. Buffy sat up slowly, reaching across the table to grab her top that was hanging on the edge. After she pulled her shirt over her head, she saw Spike pulling out his lighter, preparing to light a cigarette.

“Spike!”

“Wha?” he asked from around the cigarette dangling from his mouth.

“Don’t smoke in here,” she reprimanded, getting down from the table and walking towards him.

“Slayer, you don’t honestly expect me to not have—” He stopped based on the look she gave him. He pulled the cigarette out of his mouth, heaving a huge sigh.

“Fine. Makes sense, I suppose. I can shag in the shop, just can’t soddin’ smoke in here. No worries. I’ll step outside. Care to join me?” She put her arms around his neck with a smile on her face, leaning up to kiss him.

“Yeah. Give me a sec, though. I should probably light some incense, or a really fragrant candle.” Spike chuckled, kissing her once more before heading out front.

*****

“What do you suppose he’ll do?” Dawn asked, as Willow hung up the phone in the kitchen, dejected that neither of the bleached blondes had bothered to pick up the phone.

“I dunno. Rant and rave, maybe. But it shouldn’t matter too much. Buffy is the Slayer after all. She can stop Xander.”

“Yeah. That’s true. Did… did you know that they were… That she let him—”

“Bite on her,” Willow finished for her with a sigh. “No. But I mean, he didn’t seem to do it for that long of a time. And Spike wouldn’t… Maybe it was some sort of sexual thing or something? A claim maybe?” Willow said, seriously thinking it over. Dawn frowned, disgusted.

“Eww, do you want me to barf? I’m officially scarred for life now. Let’s never talk about my sister and Spike and sex anything ever again, mmkay?”

“Fair enough. Feel like watching a movie? I just bought some double chocolate chunk ice cream and ‘When Harry Met Sally’ will be on in like ten.”

“Kay,” Dawn said, heading to the sink to retrieve a couple of bowls.

Nothing to worry about—Buffy could handle Xander.

*****

Xander was fuming—just when he thought he could trust Spike…

“‘Spike wouldn’t hurt me Xander. No worries. He’s safe as a cuddly teddy bear.’ Right. I knew he’d trick Buffy, going after her blood… Stupid us for trusting blood sucking fiends.”

Xander approached the Magic Box door just as Spike was coming out. Xander, without a second thought, swung the axe towards the unsuspecting vamp’s head. But because of his vampiric abilities, Spike was able to duck down, causing Xander to strike the wooden post instead. Xander gave him a grim look as he tried to dislodge the axe.

“Harris, what the bloody hell are you—”

Xander, abandoning the axe, cut him off by grabbing the lapels of his jacket, flinging him to the ground.

“You thought you could just get away with it?” He pulled a stake from the inside of his jacket, preparing to strike Spike in the chest. He brought it upward, and stared him in the eyes. Spike looked bored about the whole thing, which infuriated Xander even more. Just as he was about to bring the pointed piece of wood downward, a firm hand gripped his wrist, stilling it in place.

“I’m gonna haveta ask you to drop that, Xander,” Buffy said calmly. Xander watched as Spike grinned lazily at that, rising up slowly.

“But Buff—”

“I’m not asking again.” Xander sighed heavily, letting the stake clatter to the pavement.

Well, at least she’s alright.

Buffy released him, worry written all over her face as he turned towards her.

“Wanna tell me what that was all about?” she asked calmly.

“Oh, come now, love. It’s obvious the brick layer’s lost it. Hasn’t been quite right since walking out on—”

“Spike,” Buffy said, shaking her head in warning. Spike rolled his eyes, but kept mum, taking out his cigarettes again.

“I saw… I saw him bite you, Buffy. He was taking advantage!” he yelled in a quiet whisper.

“He didn’t… I asked him to, okay? I trust him.”

“Even if you do ‘trust him,’ it was his first taste of human blood in years—Slayer’s blood, and you just expected him to have control?”

“It wasn’t his first time, Xander.”

A couple of seconds passed, and his eyes widened in shock.

“You mean he’s bitten you before?!”

“Wasn’t always bites…” Spike murmured before trailing off. Confusion, shock and disgust covered Xander’s face as realization dawned on him.

“Oh god—I don’t wanna know this; any of this,” he said, starting to walk away.

“Xander—I love him.” Xander paused, but didn’t turn around. “And he loves me back. You said… You said you wanted me to be happy. He makes me happy.”

“Yea— not that she should have to justify what goes on between us to you, or anyone else,” Spike piped in, standing next to his girl, wrapping his arm around her waist. She placed her hand on top of his— the one resting on her hip. Xander gave a sad smile at the two of them.

“You’re right,” he said to Spike. “Buffy doesn’t owe any of us… I just worry, okay? And I’ll probably never stop. I’m Worry Guy. I love you, Buff. I’m glad that you’re happy. It suits you.” He gave a small grin. “It’s nice that there’s an actual relationship that can survive the Hellmouth. Congratulations, you two.”

Just as he was turning away again, Anya and Hallie began to approach the store.

“Buffy, why aren’t you inside waiting to give warm welcomes to customers? And Xander, what are you doing here? And Spike?” she asked in confusion. Then she turned to Halfrek. “And Hallie, I thought…” Anya paused, remembering they had an audience. “You said you smelled vengeance. But the only people here are—”

“Anyanka, never doubt the sense of a vengeance demon, even one’s that are… a bit rusty,” she said in reference to Anya’s renewed power. “I did in fact smell vengeance, and I believe it’s right before us. At least it was,” she finished, eyeing Xander critically.

“Xander? But why—”

“Bit of a misunderstanding,” Spike interjected.

“Yeah. Seems to be a lot of that going around,” Xander said, mournfully looking at Anya. She gave him the (metaphorical) evil eye, of course. “I was just leaving. Just wanted to congratulate the new happy couple before I left.”

“Couple?” Halfrek said with a look of disdain. Anya just looked between Spike and Buffy, a bit perplexed.

“Yea. The two of us are a couple of regular love birds, we are,” Spike replied, hugging Buffy to him even more. Buffy brought her hand up to rest on Spike’s chest, lovingly. No one noticed Xander slowly back away, leaving. Except for Anya, of course.

“I see…” Halfrek said, not looking at all pleased.

“Oh,” Anya said thoughtfully, but with a slight furrowed brow. “Bout time, really. Seriously— all of that unresolved sexual tension between the two of you was becoming a bit annoying.” Spike quirked an eyebrow while Buffy looked a bit perplexed.

“We didn’t have—”

“Oh come on, Buffy. The late night patrols, the sparring, all that quality time in the workplace. Heat, desire…”

“Told you so,” Spike murmured to her.

“Plus the guy’s clearly been head over heels for you. I just hope it’s enough,” she said sadly, watching Xander continue down the street. Spike looked at her, following her gaze.

“Love’s a funny thing.”

Anya couldn’t have agreed with him more.