Spike stared at the doctor in shock. There was no bloody, buggerin’ way he’d heard that right. His entire body was numb, and his brain was stuck in something sticky.

“You…you STOLE MY BABY!” His astonished gaze turned to his glowering mate.

“What?” He was surprised he could even get that much out of his uncooperative mouth.

“You’re pregnant! Why are you pregnant? I’M supposed to be pregnant, with the gifts and the hormones and the-the-the BABY! You’re stealing my thunder!” Buffy’s eyes welled up with tears, and Spike’s first impulse was to go and comfort her…until he remembered that he was the bloody pregnant MALE.

“You’re off yer rocker if you think I WANT this! I’m a soddin’ Master Vampire! I don’t…give birth! I don’t carry little brats around for nine months and then pop ‘em out with a by-yer-leave! There is no FUCKING way I’m keeping this…this…THING in me! You take it out right now!” Rose looked skeptically amused at his outburst, and started to say something.

“Did you just call our child a brat? And a thing?” The Slayer’s deadly voice chilled the room. Buffy’s green eyes were narrowed into slits, her ire and anger focused on the man in front of her. The man who, for all intents and purposes, had robbed her of her motherhood. A smart man would have seen the warning signs and backed down; an idiot (read: Xander) would have missed them and carried blithely on, bumbling into pot hole after pot hole, though tempered with an air of innocence; but Spike was neither of these.

“So it’s our child now, is it? And before it was ‘my baby, my thunder, me, me BLOODY me!’” Spike’s high-pitched valley-girl accent made Buffy’s blood boil. She wanted to kill something. Badly. But that was just fine, because Spike wanted a fight. “Well, it doesn’t get to be YOU anymore because I’M the one who’s…” He stopped abruptly as the reality of the situation hit him. His eyes widened, and his unnecessary breath came faster. He was soddin’ PREGNANT. There was a baby, a tiny little life, what growing inside of him…a cold, dead, MALE master vampire. This was wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong WRONG. He wasn’t cut out for this sort of thing! He was fucking MALE. He had a penis (a rather large, very nice looking one at that), which excused him from doing anything as messy as childbirth. And what was going to happen to his washboard abs?

The next thing Spike knew, he woke up on the examining table, uncomfortable crinkly paper loud in his ears. There was something cold and wet against the back of his neck.

“Shwat?” he mumbled. His tongue was thick and not cooperating.

“Oh baby! You shouldn’t overexert yourself, not in your delicate condition. He’s OK, right? And the baby, the baby’s OK? It didn’t get hurt when he fell?”

“No, no, they’re both fine. Just…let’s not make it a habit, yeah?”

“Bloody hell!” Spike went considerably whiter than was normal, even for a vampire.

“Oh no! Baby, come on Spike, don’t faint on me!”

“Faint?!” Spike’s eyes turned amber as he glared at the concerned woman hovering over him. “I’m a Master Vampire, I don’t bloody faint!” Buffy suppressed a grin.

“Of course you don’t, my big manly pregnant vampire.” Spike glowered at her, his lower lip pushing out in what looked suspiciously like a pout.

“Call the Wiccans, we’re putting Junior back where he belongs.”

“She,” Buffy corrected absently, already rooting around her purse for her phone.

“Whoa whoa whoa,” Rose interrupted. “That embryo isn’t going anywhere. Not for a good six months at least!”

“WHAT?” Under any other circumstance, Buffy would have found the high-pitched panicky noise coming out of her mate’s mouth amusing.

“Your baby is at a very crucial stage of its development; its brain stem and nervous system and heart are all developing. Doing something as traumatic as magickally transferring it from one parent to another…it’s a very bad idea. If the slightest thing goes wrong—the spellcaster’s concentration wavers for an instant, there’s some different herb mixed in with the right one, any number of things, your baby could die. Buffy’s body also isn’t ready to accept a developing fetus. The risk at trying this now is huge.”

Welcome to the Hellmouth, Buffy thought sarcastically. This was just…exactly what she’d come to expect. Of course someone else would end up pregnant with her child. Though it could have been someone much worse than Spike.

So I’m bad now, huh? The evil vampire again. Buffy jumped guiltily. Even now she forgot about the bond.

That’s not what I mean and you know it. Spike’s mental sigh reverberated in her brain.

I know, luv. This isn’t exactly easy for me, either. I’m not exactly happy to be preggers. Buffy’s mental giggle turned into full-fledged physical laughter that had Rose staring at them like her two super patients may just be a touch psychotic. What? Spike asked, affronted.

I knocked you up! Buffy laughed harder as Spike’s initial ire gave way to bemusement, and he was soon laughing along with her. Rose was hovering in the background, wondering what exactly she was missing and if she should leave. Buffy grasped the sides of Spike’s face in her hands and said mock-seriously, “I promise I won’t run off; I’ll support you and the baby. I won’t be a statistic or a stereotype. I’m going to do right by you.”

The blond duo burst into gales of laughter, sagging into each other’s arms. They could do this. They had each other, and they’d survived weirder. (OK, maybe not, but sometimes you needed to lie to yourself about these things. And chalk it all up to the hellmouth.)

“You two alright?” Rose hedged, her nervousness dissipating. In retrospect, hysterical laughter was a pretty benign way to react when you found out your husband was pregnant with your child. And preferable to the ways the supercharged couple could have reacted.

“I think we’ll be OK,” Buffy said, settling her hand into her mate’s. “Is there anything we need?”

“Spike’s going to need prenatal vitamins, they’re all in this pamphlet here. You’ll need regular checkups, which you can schedule with my receptionist. I have some special balm that will help with the stretch marks—“

“STRETCH MARKS?” Both women shared amused looks. “Wait, no. No, I’m…this is…my masculinity will never recover.” Buffy sidled up to him and fastened her lips around his ear.

“When we get home, I promise to remind you just how manly you really are!” Rose looked pointedly away when Spike’s eyes glazed over, his mind wandering over other things.

“Right!” his voice squeaked a bit as he pulled himself back to reality. “What else do we need to know?” He slipped his hand into Buffy’s back pocket, squeezing her toned ass. Didn’t expectant mothers get uber horny?

“Well, the, what did you call them, human urges? You’ve been feeling are most likely your body accommodating the new…life within you. They should subside when everything’s settled down. You’ll most likely continue emitting body heat for the duration. As I said, this cream will help with the stretching. If you’re going to transfer the fetus to Buffy for the third trimester, I have access to something that will ease the transition.” She glanced at her clients, who took a moment to share a silent communication before nodding at her.

“It’s a bad idea to just introduce the fetus willy-nilly into a body that hasn’t recently been pregnant. The hormones and changes in the body can actually put Buffy’s life in danger, as well as the child’s. But there are several demon species who propagate this way, and I’m going to prescribe you these pills and this tea. You’ll have to come here to get them since they’re not exactly FDA approved. Take one every day, and by the time the third trimester comes around, it shouldn’t be a big deal; they’ll just put Buffy’s body in sync with yours, Spike. Think of it like sympathy pangs for the entire pregnancy. The tea is just a supplement, drink it at least once a week, though more won’t really hurt. Any questions?”

“A million,” Spike muttered, not even reacting when Buffy slapped him upside his head.

“We’ll call you if anything comes up,” Buffy assured her. Rose shook Spike’s hand, and escorted the slightly freaked-put couple out. This was going to be one interesting pregnancy.

***

Spike’s grip was bordering on uncomfortable as they approached her mother’s house. Buffy had called a Scooby meeting tonight, opting to go with the whole rip the band-aid fast mentality.

“This is ridiculous,” Spike muttered, staring up at the steps. He hadn’t been this apprehensive about walking into this house since he’d come to break the news to Joyce that he and Buffy were moving in together. He’d made Buffy and Dawn hide all the sharp and heavy objects first.

“We can only put it off for so long, honey. Eventually, you’re going to start showing, and we’ll have to go shopping for maternity clothes…”

“Sod off you barmy bint,” he snapped.

“One day you will tell me what that means!” Buffy exclaimed, stomping her foot. Spike glanced at her from the corner of his eyes.

“Might as well do it while I’m pregnant. Can’t kill someone with child,” he mumbled, pulling Buffy up the stairs with him.

“What does THAT mean? Are you calling me a bad British word? Is it something I’m going to have to kick your—MOMMY!” Buffy’s smile was wider than normal, a sure indicator that she was hiding something. Joyce folded her arms over her chest and sent a suspicious look towards her daughter and son-in-law.

“Everyone’s waiting to hear how your appointment went.” When Buffy’s smile faltered, Joyce felt her heart clench. They’d both been through so much; they didn’t need anything else to burden their relationship.

“We’d…*I’d* like to do this once if we can take this indoors, Mum.” Joyce nodded, squashing down the desire to ask questions. She settled herself next to Giles, taking comfort in his presence. If her daughter was going to deliver the news she feared, she was going to need it.

“Buffy! How’s the appointment go? When do you get your first ultrasound? Are you going to find out the sex? Or are you going to wait and be surprised? I mean, it’d be great either way, though it can make buying balloons difficult, so I could just buy one of each, oh! Oh! Maybe a double-sided one with “It’s a girl” on one side and “It’s a boy” on the other!” Buffy smiled nervously at the redhead as she ran of breath.

“Yeah…about that…” The room seemed to still, everyone silent and unmoving, their eyes wide and questioning. She felt Spike tense beside her. “I’m not…exactly…pregnant. Per say.” The attention in the room subtly shifted to Willow.

“Th-that’s impossible! I did the spell. I did it right! I promise! Tara was there, she saw. I-I-I can do it again! I can do it better! I won’t mess up this time I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to put you through that can you ever forgive me I have a new cookie recipe that I think you’ll absolutely love—“

“Willow!” The startled wicth came to a grinding halt. “Your spell worked fine. You didn’t mess up.” Willow’s forehead scrunched.

“I don’t understand.”

“It worked. Spike and I were both touching the crystal when it turned green. Only…I’m not pregnant.” The dumbfounded expression remained on the redhead’s face. Everyone was staring at the duo, eyes jumping back and forth between them. And then Xander started laughing.

“Oh, this is rich! Thank you, Powers, someone up there likes me!”

“Xander?” Willow ventured, “What are you talking about?”

“Spike! He’s having a baby!” And the boy proceeded to fall off the couch in a fit of laughter that made his slightly squishy belly shake.