Buffy found herself wandering through the house. She had no idea where she was going, she just put one foot in front of the other, while her brain was lost in thought.

She could almost feel the struggle going on within Spike, she just didn’t know what he was struggling with.
Then she felt guilty that she didn’t instinctively know what was wrong with him. He always seemed to be able to read her. He could take one look at her and tell her, her deepest thoughts and fears. Why couldn’t she do the same for him?

Buffy wondered if it was just the soul that was making things hard for him? She knew that last year he struggled with the guilt and the memories, but he seemed to be able to look past them as time went on, or did she just miss that he was struggling? Maybe the trip Cordelia and Darla took him on had triggered something new.

Buffy’s mind wandered to Angel. He was so different with the soul than without, unlike Spike. Spike was the same only more subdued. Was it because the soul was forced on Angel while Spike made the choice?

Buffy knew that Spike had changed a lot before he had the soul. If he hadn’t he wouldn’t have felt the need to get the soul. Maybe sitting down and telling him she knew how much he changed before the soul would make him feel better. She never told him before, she was too busy beating him up and putting him down.

She stopped suddenly. What if that was it? What if she hurt him so much the year they were sleeping together that she took his confidence away? Was it all her fault?

They never talked about what had happened between them the year after she came back. She had been afraid to bring up the past because she didn’t have the words to apologize for her behavior and she was afraid that if she brought it up he would leave again.

Buffy, finally looked up and noticed where her wandering had brought her. She was in a part of the library that was hidden to most of the occupants of the house. Willow had put a glamour over some shelves in the back of the library, only certain people would be able to just walk past the security measures that were in place.

This was where they kept the scythe Buffy had used to defeat Caleb as well as any texts unsuitable for young Slayer eyes or just texts that might have information dangerous to them or their allies.

Buffy couldn't understand why she would come here.


Yeah, she had been looking for peace and quiet, but Buffy and reading really didn't go hand in hand.

She walked through the room slowly, running her hands over the bookends as she moved among the shelves.

“You must be lost.” Dawn’s voice startled Buffy out of her thoughts.

“Nope, just looking for some peace and quiet. How are you feeling this morning, sis?” Buffy grinned at her evilly.

“Definitely not drinking again for a while. I slept curled up next to the toilet. I was convinced there could be no place more comfortable than that. And yes, I hung up your pants, or Faith did.”

Buffy nodded sympathetically. “Yes I remember when I thought the toilet was the best pillow ever.”

“So what’s up with the early afternoon library trip. I figured you would be off somewhere with Spike for the next couple of days.”

Buffy just turned back to the shelves and shrugged.

“Oh, please.” Dawn just rolled her eyes and shook her head. “When are you two going to get your act together. This is worse than a soap opera.”

“Thanks, Dawn.” Buffy’s voice sounded so sad, Dawn realized that her sister didn’t need grief right now.

“I’m going to go leave you to your peace and quiet, I just wanted to see who was back here.” She turned to leave, then she remembered something.

“Oh, yeah. I found this the other day and thought you might like to see it.” Dawn walked over to one of the shelves and pulled out a small report, type document. “This lady wrote her thesis on Spike. She actually seems to have all her facts straight. The funny thing is you can totally tell she has the biggest crush on him, but she is supposed to be this Watcher and everything. Its still interesting though.” She handed it to Buffy who studied the cover.

“Thanks Dawn. Do you have any books on vampire behaviors?” Buffy asked her thoughtfully.

“Behaviors?” Dawn asked unsure of what she wanted.

“Like rituals, or um, how they live with each other and stuff?” Buffy didn’t want to ask her sister for a book on vampire mating. Dawn seemed to have an idea of what she was asking for because she got a glint in her eyes that seemed to know too much.

“I don’t have many in English.” Her sister turned and walked over to a shelf. “Oh wait, here I think this what you were asking for.” She handed her sister another book. “If you need anything else Buffy, just let me know.”

Buffy looked at the other book. It was simply titled ‘Vampyre- English Translation’.

“That’ll work.” Buffy muttered to herself. She flipped it open and read down the list of chapters.
It was Chapter 14. Vampire Mating- Rituals And Results.

Buffy settled in and began to read.



“Hey, Buffy are you still back here?” Buffy looked up at the interruption.

“Yeah, Dawn. What’s up?”
“You do know, its like almost 7pm, right?” Dawn told her.

“No!!” Buffy looked at the books regretfully, “Guess I don’t read so well.”

“Did you find what you were looking for?” Dawn asked her.

“I think so. Now I have to go find Spike. Have you seen him anywhere?”

“Nope, but I know Giles has been looking for you all day. He seems really uptight.” At Buffy’s nervous look Dawn reassured her. “I’ve covered for you so far. What are you in trouble for now?”

“I think I upset some Council members.”

Dawn just laughed. “That’s no big. Go find Spike. Giles can wait until tomorrow. Andrew was just here, he said Faith and the other’s are in the back parlor, by the pool. He’s probably with them.”

At her mention of Faith, Buffy’s eyes narrowed. “Thanks, Dawn.” Buffy ran out of the room quickly to go make things right between her and Spike.


Buffy found Faith in the Parlor with Wesley, Fred, & Gunn. Unfortunately, Faith didn’t know where Spike was, but she did tell her about the disastrous sparring session they had.

Buffy was about to go search upstairs, when Clem came in from outside. “Buffy, you need to go talk to Spike.”

“Do you know where he is? I’ve been looking all over for him.” Buffy practically tackled Clem in her eagerness.

Clem stepped back from the over anxious Slayer, he knew from experience that could get painful.

“He said he wanted to clear his head.” Buffy gave him a look, but didn’t say anything. “I thought the same thing you are, but he went for a walk outside.”

Outside there was the distant rumbling of thunder.

Everyone else in the room exchanged a glance. As Buffy went to run outside after him, Faith stopped.

“I’m going to go with you, B.” Buffy turned to tell her it wasn’t necessary, but Faith cut her off before she could get out word one. “There may be a problem.” Buffy looked at her confused.

“Come on. I’ll explain on the way.”

Lightning flashed outside as the two girls headed out.


Spike wandered through the forest wondering how he could approach Buffy with what was going on inside his head. He was afraid to tell her about his fears for her, he didn’t want her to think less of him for being so skittish about this.

He barely registered the display of lightning in the sky above him.

He also didn’t know how to tell her about his problems controlling the demon. What if it just confirmed her fears of him being a monster?

He came to a small clearing in the forest. He looked up at the sky just as a huge bolt of lightning raced across it. Thunder rumbled through the air.

Spike spun around at the presence behind him. There stood Angel. His face lit up momentarily from the display above.

“Its time we had a talk, Spike.” He yelled over the loud thunder.

“I told you before, I’m really not interested.” Spike told the larger vampire as he moved closer. He went to go around Angel and head back inside, but Angel grabbed his arm and pulled him into his face.

“You can’t seriously believe you can stay with her.” Angel looked into his eyes.

“I told you before, Sod Off. This has nothing to do with you, Peaches.” Spike tried to push Angel off of him, but Angel just threw him on the ground with disgust.

With that the sky broke and rained poured down soaking them both in seconds. Lightning pulsed violently, while the thunder seemed to shake the trees themselves.

“I’ve seen what you’ve been going through. I’ve seen you struggling to control the demon. How long can you keep it up? What happens when it gets out?”

Angel grabbed him and pulled him back up. “Are you ready to watch her grow old? Are you ready to pull her into a life of darkness?”

Spike shove him away angrily. “You don’t fucking know what you are talking about.” He snarled. He was breathing heavily, even though he didn’t need to breathe, fighting back sobs that threatened him from the pain inside.

“Really. Why exactly did you feel the need to go off and get your soul then? Don’t you remember what you told me? You almost RAPED her.”
Spike turned away at the truth of Angel’s words.

“You thought that would be enough to control the urges didn’t you?” Angel turned him back around to face him. “We’re vampires, a soul won’t change who we are.” Angel unknowingly echoed Spike’s words from earlier.

The two face each other, yelling in the pouring rain.

Desperation, anger and pain was almost crippling Spike and driving reason far to the back of his mind.

“I’ve had years to learn how to live with the soul and I still almost killed her when I drank from her. I wanted to turn her more than anything. I wanted to turn her and take her away and forget fighting for good, forget everything but her.”

“How long until you try to turn her? Could you even live with yourself afterwards?” Spike couldn’t take anymore of Angels words. His let his demon free and attacked him.

Buffy and Faith had barely made it outside before the rain hit. They both started running deep into the woods, Buffy seeming to know instinctively which way to go.

They arrived at the clearing a few moments after Angel did.

“You don’t fucking know what you’re talking about.” Buffy heard Spike yell and she put her arm out to keep Faith from alerting them to their presence. Faith followed her lead and they watched the two vampires argue.

When Spike attacked Angel, both girls moved forward.

“I’ll get Angel, you grab Spike.” Buffy ordered Faith.

They ran out to where the two vampires were both rolling on the muddy ground wrestling. Buffy grabbed Angel by the back of his neck and threw him off Spike, he landed on the ground several feet away.

Buffy walked over to where he lay. “Where do you get off advising anyone on my love life?” She yelled at him.

Behind her Faith struggled to keep Spike from tearing after Angel, especially since he could see Buffy standing by his side.

“One question, Angel. Suppose Angelus had me on the ground hurt, unable to fight back, would he have let me go when he realized her hurt me? I tend to think that would make the rape that much more exciting for him.” Buffy’s eyes stared at him, he could see the judgment in them.

“Spike is nothing like you, he never was and he never will be.”

“B, look out.” Faith yelled behind her. Spike had broken free of her hold and was heading straight for Angel. Buffy stood directly in his path and when he reached her she just grabbed onto him, not letting him get any further.

“Spike.” She said loudly in his ear. “Stop. That’s enough.” Immediately the vampire stopped struggling to get to Angel. She let him go and he stalked back in Faith’s direction.

Buffy turned back around to Angel.

“Here’s the main difference between you and Spike, Angel. He loves me. All of him. The demon as much as the man.
Angelus never loved me. He doesn’t know how to love. I wonder if you do?”

"Take him back to the house Faith, make sure he stays there, or at least away from us." She told the other Slayer.

"No prob, B. You sure you're gonna be Ok here?" Faith looked over at Spike, still in game face, concerned.

Buffy just nodded absently. She had already dismissed them, her attention focused on the vampire in front of her.

Listening to Angel had finally filled in the final pieces in her brain. She was certain she understood what was going on with Spike now. While she didn't want to hurt him, she had done that enough already, she was pretty sure that was going to be the only way to get through to him.

"Spike..." She began.

"Look, Buffy, I didn't mean to do it. He just wouldn't shut up, I'm sorry I know I shouldn't have done it. I just lost control. I'm sorry, luv." He was almost pleading with her.

Buffy just shook her head. Now he was apologizing for beating Angel when Angel deserved it!!! Enough was enough.

"This isn't going to work." She said coldly.

"Wha- I'm sorry. I'm trying so hard to be a good man for you."

The pain on his face made her want to run and comfort him, but she couldn't he still didn't understand.

"I know I told you I loved you, but I was wrong." He sank slowly to his knees, his whole body was shaking.

'Come on Spike,' she thought to herself 'I know you're in there somewhere.'

Buffy knew that if she couldn't get through to him, that there was a real possibility she would destroy him, and in doing that destroy herself.

"I mean look at you," She continued derisively. "Pathetic doesn't even begin to cover it. You're worse than Riley and Angel put together."

His head came up at that and there was a flash of anger in his eyes.

'There we go' Buffy thought excitedly.

"Isn't it strange, the one who was never going to be 'Nancyboy' is now more insecure than Riley and broods more than Angel?" She taunted him.

He was glaring at her now, that familiar look of hatred stemming from hurt.

Just one more push.

"Even William was more of a man that you are."


She made a sound of disgust and turned to walk away when he leaped. She sensed him coming, but instead of moving into a defensive position she just braced herself for the impact of the snarling vampire.

When he tackled her they both went down to the ground. Her shirt ripped as he pinned her beneath him, eyes glowing yellow, demon in full control.

"You heartless bitch," he growled at her, his eyes were almost insane with rage and pain. She didn't even flinch, but he didn't notice. "I came back for you. I wasn't asking for declarations of love, you offered those freely. So I've been trying to be good for you. Tried to be a stand up guy. I've tried to keep the demon tight under wraps."

He yelled right in her face, his hands held her wrists painfully tight above her head. He still didn't notice that she didn't move or struggle, just watched him. Not once did the demon really try to hurt her physically, even though it was almost mad with rage and frustration.

"I tried to be someone you could be proud to be with." He sneered down at her. "But as always, Buffy Summers doesn't know what the hell she wants. Just wants to jerk me around on her chain like always."

He threw up his arms in frustration.

"I'm done with this whole sodding mess. I am through getting thrown around by you."

Suddenly she attacked. She moved so fast, he didn't even realize it until he was looking up at her. She now had him pinned to the ground.

"I know exactly what I want." She told him calmly staring into his yellow eyes. "I don't want a 'good' man. I don't want a polite man. I don’t want someone obsessed with ‘the right thing’ all the time. I don't want William."

"I want Spike." She paused and just looked down at him.

"I love you. I am proud to be with you. I trust you completely." He stared back up at her shocked, still in game face. "I love all of you, souly parts and demon parts."

She leaned forward and kissed him softly, teasing his lips. His anger had faded at her words and when her lips touched his he felt fire run through him. He lifted his head to try and capture her lips, but she moved away.

“You were the one who always said I needed a little monster in my man.”

He opened his mouth and moaned as she shifted so she was right over his quickly hardening cock. He moaned again when she rubbed against him sensuously.


She grinned at how well she knew his body when she felt him go rock hard at her movements. She kissed him again, no teasing this time, she opened her mouth and wrapped her tongue around his, moving it with the same motions she was using to grind against him.

Then she purposely ran her tongue over one of his fangs. At the taste of her blood he arched his hips into her in desperation. She released his mouth, breaking their kiss for air.

Around them the downpour had slowed to a steady drizzle. Creating a mist through their little clearing. Neither one noticed that outside the clearing the storm raged as fierce as before.

She kissed one corner of his mouth, then the other before slowly kissing her way down his face to his neck. He moaned loudly when she started sucking and nibbling her way up and down his neck.

"Buffy, gods." He moaned. Her hips never stopped their slow movements above his crotch. He tried moving under her, trying to get her to speed up her movements or press harder, but she would just raise up at his attempts. He was almost whimpering from her assault on his neck and her torment of him.

She started alternating sucking and nibbling on his neck causing him to moan louder. She could feel the tension running through him, all she wanted was to let go of his hands and give in to both their need, but that wasn't what this was about. His moaning and whimpering was getting louder, just when he thought he couldn't take anymore of her torment she bit down right over his vein as hard as she could, drawing out his blood. He screamed her name as he came, arching up into her almost throwing her off him.

When he came back down she let go of his neck that she had been sucking and sat up looking down at him.

The sight of Buffy above him, his blood on her lips, made his eyes widen with realization and shock.

"Buffy?" He whispered.

Looking down into his eyes, now back to the blue she loved, she whispered one word.

"Mine."

He couldn't move, couldn't speak. He just stared at her, completely stunned.

"I can live without you. I've done a pretty good job of it this past year."

She looked down at him seriously.

"The thing is I don't WANT to live without you.
We've wasted too much time already, Spike, and I don't want to waste anymore. We could both be dead again in a few hours.
I love you. I want to share my life with you for as long as they let me. I told you before I was sick and tired of the mixed signals and the angst." She smiled sweetly.
"I just want to be with-".

She was cut off as he pulled her down to him and kissed her passionately.

The electricity between them flared up at the contact. Every nerve in her body pulsed and hummed for his touch.

Her torn shirt was quickly ripped away from her. Her bra disappeared before she even realized her shirt was missing.

She pulled away from him to take breath, noticing for the first time her current state of undress. She was amused that he managed to get her half naked without hardly trying. Then all thoughts left her as his hands reached up and cupped her breasts, fingers rubbing lightly over her nipples.

"Mmmm." She practically purred. Her eyes closed and her head fell back as she arched into his hands seeking more contact. It had been so longs since anyone had touched her like this. It had never felt this sweet before.

"God. You are so beautiful." She heard him whisper.

He sat up needing to be closer to her.

As he did she grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it up and over his head.

Once that barrier was removed they melted together again, their mouths meeting almost desperately this time.

He moved his mouth down over her jaw to her neck kissing and sucking alternately on the way down. His hands still cupped her breasts kneading them while pulling on her nipples with his fingers.

She could hear him murmuring words of love and adoration in between kissing.

"Love you so much."

"Taste so sweet."

"Absolute bloody perfection."

Before she would never allow him such declarations, too afraid of his feelings. Now she savored them as much as she did his kisses and touch. They washed over her skin making her even more excited. "So strong. So-" His voice hitched as he ran her hands down over his chest lightly, caressing and stroking his muscles.

"Yours." She finished his sentence for him. He stopped his movements at the sound of her voice. "Make me yours, Spike." Her voice sounded needy even to her own ears.

He moved and ran his tongue over the vein on her neck making her whimper in need.

Her hands were busy trying to undo his jeans, but her mind couldn't seem to understand how to work them. She finally just ripped off the button and pulled down his zipper, freeing him.

She quickly grasped his long, hard length, still sticky from earlier. He hissed at the feeling of her hot hands stroking him, before returning to kissing and sucking on her neck.

She sensed him change into his demon form, yet the Slayer part of her didn't register any type of threat coming from him at all, having already recognized him as her mate. She tensed in anticipation.

He hesitated for a moment, hoping this was the right thing do.

"Please" She whispered hoarsely, unable to speak any louder than that.

That was all he needed, he knew he couldn't stop now if he wanted to. He gently bit down into her flesh and the blood came pouring into his mouth. The taste and power of her causing him to come all over her hands.

Buffy had started to come as soon as she felt his fangs enter her neck. It seemed to go on and on crashing over her in waves that seemed to be timed with the motion of him sucking in her blood.

She arched her neck so she could reach the mark she left on him. She moved her mouth over it and began sucking on it drawing out more of his blood.