Something to Sing About


Chapter 33

Blame


Spike was feeding from Faith! She had thrown back her head, bared her neck and he’d vamped out, sinking his fangs into a vein. Neither of them noticed someone was watching. No, they were far too intent on each other to see – and if they had, would they have cared?

How odd it was when your soul died and yet your body went on living. Your heart pumped monotonously onwards, driving blood round your veins. All your little cells and nerves, muscles and flesh cheerfully got on with what they had always done, keeping you alive while all the time, you were dead inside.

Buffy twisted away from the doorway and flattened herself against the basement wall, fighting back the nausea that suddenly overcame her.

She leant against the rough stones, needing them for support. She knew if she once let her legs give way, she would fall to the ground and lie there, crying and screaming and never stop. She squeezed her eyes tight shut, but that was useless. Nothing could eradicate the sight that was burned into her brain – the sight of Spike feeding from Faith. Nothing!

She craved someone to blame for the blinding pain that coursed through her. She grasped at the obvious. She could blame Faith! But no matter how much you might want to, you might as well blame the wind for blowing or rain from falling from the sky. Faith had no morals, no belief in right or wrong. Spike had wanted to feed; she had obviously been only too glad and willing to help.

Buffy heard an odd keening sound and realised she was moaning under her breath. Perhaps she could blame Spike? But how could she? She had left him here, tortured and broken, for two long months – even if only a few days had passed in this reality.

She hadn’t come back to check whether he’d survived Ben’s killing spree. Sitting in the first Sunnydale, watching Dawn care for baby Gracie, two Key people becoming closer and closer with every passing second, she hadn’t even wondered if Spike was alive or dead. She’d been so sure he was gone. How could she have thought that? Why hadn’t something inside her told her he was still alive?

Buffy’s eyes opened – she could smell blood! Then she realised her hands were scraping down the rough stones behind her, over and over again, the pain a pale shadow of what she was feeling inside.

‘I was so busy being sorry for myself, complaining to myself that there was no one I could talk to about him, it never crossed my mind that Spike might have survived.’

A little voice inside her head tried to say that no one would ever have believed Ben wouldn’t have destroyed Spike, but she ignored it.

Okay, at the end of the day, although she’d had no choice, she’d had to leave him behind, leave him to his fate so she could get the Key baby away from Ben - she hadn’t come back! She hadn’t made sure and – what finished her completely, caused as much agony as the sight of Faith’s possessive hand twisting into the curls on the back of his head, holding him greedily against her neck as he drank - was the knowledge that he would not have done the same thing if their roles had been reversed. Spike would have found his way back to her. Somehow, some way, he would have made certain of her fate.

And now? Now, obviously, there was Faith. ‘Hey, you hungry, Spikey? Have some blood! Feed from me. Help yourself. What’s mine is yours! Jeez – how’s that for being Miss Observant Girl of the Year, Buffy!’ she thought bitterly.

Suddenly a thought struck her; she wondered if Faith had travelled through the portal between the two worlds more than once in the past few weeks. Had she discovered that Spike was alive on one of her trips? It was quite obvious from what Buffy had just seen that the dark-haired Slayer wanted him – there was no way she would have let him feed from her otherwise.

Buffy winced, another jolt of pain shooting through her head. Was that one of the reasons Faith had given up baby Gracie to Dawn? So she could be with Spike in every possible way. It made sense. If you wanted to ensnare your guy, you were better off without a two-month-old kid in tow.

The silence from the basement room ended; Buffy could hear the distant murmur of their voices and – tears choked her throat – the sound of Spike laughing softly. Faith’s blood had obviously given the vampire strength.

Not that that was any great surprise. What’s a little Slayer blood between friends. Or were they more than friends – were they lovers?

Buffy felt her nails snap as she dragged her fingers down the rough bricks. Of course they were lovers! As far as Spike was concerned, his wife in this world had left him to go back to one in which he was hated and detested by everyone. And although she’d been forced to leave him behind, no one had forced her to abandon him and stay for months in safety back in Sunnydale. Oh no, she’d done that completely and utterly on her own. Way to go, Buffy!

Usually men left her – her dad, Angel, Parker, Riley – they walked away from her. But this time, she’d done the walking. She’d had a guy who loved her with every bone in his body and she’d abandoned him. The pain was worse.

And here was Faith to swoop in and take what was on offer – the Faith from this other Sunnydale, with her perfect, beautiful face, her body still voluptuous after Gracie’s birth, a girl who used sex like a velvet sword, a girl who belonged here in this world where Spike was liked and admired. It was a perfect partnership.

So what did she do now? Go downstairs and confront them? Fight Faith? See what in Spike’s face when he looked at her – anger, disdain…. oh god, what if he felt sorry for her!

With hideous self-loathing, her stomach clenching and twisting, nausea hovering to explode, she pushed herself away from the wall and stumbled silently away up the stairs, back into the daylight.

She couldn’t face them – not yet. What could she say? Oh, not to Faith. There was nothing she could put into words that the other Slayer would understand.

But to her husband. “I love you more than she does, Spike! You’re my husband in this world. You promised you would always love me. Why are you cheating on me when I love you so much?”

And if he replied that he no longer cared? That he hated her? She could, she realised, deal with that. What terrified her more, feeling the fear run through her veins like molten silver, was that she would look into his face and see - pity.

Her feet carried her automatically through the streets of Sunnydale, back to Revello Drive. She now had only one thought – home – not this home where they had lived as man and wife, shared a bed, passion, life.

No, she wanted her own solitary room, to be able to lock the door, bury her face in her pillow and cry for a world and a love she had thrown away.

Buffy half fell through the front door and into the kitchen. She was just about to throw herself into the portal when her senses kicked in. The whirling orange and purple window wasn’t there. Her only escape back to the other Sunnydale had gone!

tbc