Chapter 04

‘why worry, there should be laughter after the pain
there should be sunshine after rain
these things have always been the same
so why worry now’
- “why worry” by dire straits

When they had moved the Slayer Council into the boarding school, Buffy had taken the old principal’s apartment on the top floor. It wasn’t really a penthouse but it was the only thing occupying that floor.

The three rooms, kitchen and bath were more than enough for her but it was still nice to have her own space for a change. She had never had a place on her own except for those few weeks she’d spent in Los Angeles after she had stabbed Angel. After that, there had always been people around her. At home, at college, and especially when Giles had started bringing Slayer-trainees to her place.

Now she welcomed the few moments of solitude she got.

Her place was cold. Buffy didn’t bother to switch on the heating for she was out most of the time. A shiver ran down her spine when she closed the door behind her. She wasn’t quite sure if it was all due to the temperature.

She still couldn’t believe what had happened tonight. First, being captured by Kaileq, and then being rescued by Spike who she’d thought dead for ten years. Not only was he back, but there was also a big honking threat coming up again which they had no idea how to fight.

It never rained, it poured. And she was drowning in it.

Pushing herself off the wall, she made her way to the kitchen. There wasn’t much in it except for the basics: table, cupboard, stove and a fridge. Buffy went to the latter and took out an already open bottle of red wine, then a glass from the cupboard. She sat down in front of the small TV in the living room and flipped it on.

She didn’t care much for the show that was running, anything was welcome. Of course, the program didn’t help in distracting her from the burning questions. So yeah, Spike had answered some of them but she felt that there was something else. Something that he didn’t tell her.

There was a knock on the door and Buffy flinched, almost spilling her wine while she poured herself a glass. “Come in.”

It was Willow. She stuck her head through the door, smiling sheepishly. “Hey, Buffy. Can I come in?”

“Sure. You want a glass?” Buffy pointed at the bottle.

“Yeah, thanks.”

When Buffy came back with another glass for her friend, Willow stood by the window, looking out into the approaching morning.

“What’s going on?” Buffy already knew why her friend was here. They had been through too much together for her not to know.

“How are you doing, Buffy?” Willow turned and sat down next to her friend.

“How do you think I’m doing?” It came out a lot harsher than Buffy had intended, and it was the witch’s turn to flinch. “I’m sorry, Will. I’m just… I’m confused. This whole thing…” Her words trailed off and she took a sip from her wine.

“Did you talk yet?”

“Yeah, I just came up from his room.”

“What did he say?” Willow started to sound a little impatient.

“He told me about… what happened. How he came back and everything.”

“Why did he stay away for so long?”

Buffy remained silent for a long moment. “I guess… that’s mostly my fault.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I… he came to Rome when I was with the Immortal.”

Willow shifted in her seat, crossing her legs. “You mean that kept him away for so long? That doesn’t sound much like him.”

Buffy nodded sadly. “I know. It’s just…” She pinched the bridge of her nose, suddenly feeling very tired. “I told him that I love him.”

“What? When?” In an instant, Willow was at the edge of her seat.

“Back in Sunnydale when… right before the end,” the Slayer admitted hesitatingly, sadness tinging her voice.

“You never told me about that.” The red head was clearly disappointed.

“I know. I’m sorry. I just… when I told him he said ‘No, you don’t. But thanks for saying it.’” Buffy did her best, mimicking Spike’s accent. “And I guess when he found out that I was with the Immortal… it proved his point, you know?”

There was a long pause between them. Buffy’s eyes were focused on the sparkling red liquid in her glass while Willow was watching her. “Did it? I mean… was he right?”

“Why don’t you ask me if I love him, Will? I’m too tired for twisted questions.”

“Fine. Do you love him?” There was something in Willow’s voice that let her know that she wouldn’t like either answer.

“I don’t know.” Buffy shrugged. “We are… complicated. There was… so much between us that… it was bad. Really bad. And then… he changed. He got a soul. For me. He went through hell and back just for me. How… how can I not… love him?”

“That’s not an answer to my question.”

Again, Buffy remained silent for a long while. “Yes, I guess I do.”

Willow smiled at her almost triumphantly. “I knew it.”

“What?”

“If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be so worked up about this.”

Buffy nodded, caught in the act. “Doesn’t change anything. He didn’t believe me then, and he won’t believe me now. Also… I don’t know if he still loves me.”

“What makes you think that?”

“He doesn’t look at me like he used to. And when… he hugged me just now… it felt cold, you know? Even when he… even without the soul, he never felt cold. It is as if there is something missing. I can’t really explain but… something isn’t right. I just don’t know what it is.”

Willow laid a hand on her arm. “You haven’t seen each other in ten years. There a lot you need to catch up on. You should talk to him again; tell him how you feel. Things will work out. Just… give him some time to adjust.”

“What if we don’t have the time? With what’s coming up?”

“Than we’ll do what we always do: We fight, we win, and then we buy new shoes.”

If Buffy could rely on one thing, it was that Willow’s chipper mood was never lost on her. For the first time tonight, she was able to smile again.

“Thanks, Will.” She laid her hand on Willow’s but pulled back after a brief second. “I just missed him so much, you know? All those years…I wished I had told him sooner, so he’d believe me. I thought about how it might be if he ever came back. And…it was never like this.”

Willow smiled that genuine smile of hers. “It’s never like you imagine, sweetie. I don’t know what you’re going through right now but… if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here.”

Buffy knew that Willow had nothing but good intentions but she still snorted. “That’s what he said. I’m here.”

“Buffy, I know I’m the last person to say this but… you have to lighten up. I bet that it’s all going to be alright. You just have to talk to him. It’s not going to get back to… normal if you sit here brooding. That’s a thing for soulful vampires, not kickass Slayers.”

This time, a grin spread across Buffy’s lips. Something very rare at that. “If I were gay, I’d kiss you right now.”

“You still can, in a non-gay best friends kind of way.” Willow matched her smile, raising her glass. “Here’s to us, stupid vampires, and bitches from hell that try to erase the world.”

“I drink to that.” Buffy clinked her glass against Willows, taking another sip from her wine.

When Willow had left, Buffy snuggled into her bed, pulling the covers up to her chin. She couldn’t sleep right away, tossing and turning about in her bed. Even after the girl talk, she was too worked up about the whole thing with Spike.

And when her eyes finally flickered shut, dreams came to haunt her. The dreams she had learned to ignore those past ten years. Dreams about Spike going up in flames. Dreams where he yelled at her, telling her what a bitch she was. That she had just used him all those years, that she still didn’t believe that he’d changed for her. That her words meant nothing because Dawn had been right, she wasn’t capable of loving anyone.

With a yelp, Buffy sat up in bed, sweat beading on her forehead. What if those dreams weren’t just dreams? What if they were true?


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