Chapter 13

’you had your head on my shoulder you had your hand in my hair
now you act a little colder like you don't seem to care
but believe in me baby and I'll take you away’
- “telegraph road” by dire straits

“These sons of bitches. No, these are the bitch-mothers of sons of bitches.”

Buffy was beyond fury when she stormed into the computer central where Willow had a video conference with Giles and some other woman the Slayer didn’t know.

The witch twirled her chair towards her enraged friend. “What’s going on? Is everything okay?”

“We really need to find a way to go against these Fates. They are annoying the hell out of me.”

Willow turned back to the bank of monitors, addressing the young woman. “Maya, this seems like some urgent Slayer-business. You mind if we pick this up later?”

“No problem. Your work is more important than mine is. I’ll see you later tonight.” With that, the monitor winked to blackness.

“What happened?” Now, Buffy had Willow and Giles’ full attention.

She recounted their trip to Fate-central, including the time-freezing and how Spike had regained his memory. She had to fill Giles in on what had happened to the vampire. Although her former Watcher had known about his resurrection, he apparently didn’t know the full scope of the vampire’s adventures.

“Willow, have you looked into the book Spike brought you?” Giles asked when Buffy finished her story.

“Yes and the part where it comes to defeating them is pretty hazy. It says something about ultimate sacrifices or something.”

“Oh please, no. No ultimate sacrifices. We’ve had way too many ultimate sacrifices already. There’s got be another way.” Buffy started pacing up and down the room.

“I will try to find out more about that, then,” Giles suggested. “And Spike does… he remembers everything?”

Buffy saw the slight twitch on Giles’ face. He might have been Spike’s confidant those past several years but that didn’t mean they particularly liked each other. She stopped her pacing, shifting her weight from one leg to the other, her arms crossed over her chest.

“I don’t know. He said it but he… he seemed pretty confused. He hasn’t said anything since… He’s in his room now.”

A moment passed in silence. “You should talk to him.” Giles’ voice was calm, resolved.

Buffy looked from him to Willow than back. “I will. I’m just… I wanted to let you know.”

“I will let you know what we found out as soon as possible.” Giles gave her a reassuring smile before he switched his monitor off as well.

“How are you?” Willow rose from her chair, laying a hand on Buffy’s arm.

“I don’t know. I’m… I’m a little scared, actually. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, what this means.” Buffy looked a little helpless and confused.

“You should go and see him. I mean if he remembers… that’s a good thing, right?”

“I guess, yeah.” She pondered that thought for a second, then a little smile spread on her face. “It is. It’s… what I hoped for.”

Willow pulled her friend into a brief but warm hug. “Go see him. I think he needs you.”

“I’ll work through that book. I hope we don’t have to go through that whole sacrifice thing again, so… I’ll let you know.”

“Thanks, Will.” With that, Buffy headed up to Spike’s room.


***

His body was huddled into the corner of the shower as freezing cold water poured down on him. His black t-shirt hung in shreds on his shaking frame. The wound to his shoulder had started to bleed again as he had raked at it with his fingers. His pants were soaked, clinging to his legs.

Even though Spike wasn’t human, his lips had turned blue by now and his skin looked even more pale than usual. He had his legs drawn to his body, one arm wrapped around his knees. One of his hands was raking through the short stubble on his head, the other all but clawed at the skin of his chest.

The soul had been a joke compared to this. Just a drop in the bucket. A painful drop, no doubt, but this…

Insanity had been bliss.

Memories. Pictures. Sounds. Emotions.

It call came crashing down on him at once, flooding his perception with such intensity that made his head spin. He now knew what had caused the surges of pain he had experience in these past few days.

His aching heart.

As corny the thought was, he knew with perfect clarity that it was true. It was reality.

Ever since the first bliss of not remembering his feelings for Buffy had worn off, he had wished for the memories to return. Knowing that it was still inside him somewhere trying to reach for it day after day, had been a hopeless struggle. It had gnawed at him, torn at him, left a void inside him.

Now, within the blink of an eye, that void had been filled again. When Buffy had touched his arm, all those memories had returned. All of them at once.

He loved her.

He loved her more than anything else. He knew it. He remembered it. He felt with every fiber of his being. It was a feeling so immaculate and pure that there were no words in his language or any other to describe it.

He had never been more aware of the fact. That fact and the prospect that now after all these years, she might actually love him back.


*

Buffy knocked carefully on Spike’s door. After a moment, she entered the room.

“Spike?” She called into the emptiness of the little room. “Are you here?” He had to be. If he had left, she would have known.

She found Spike in the shower, curled into an almost fetal position. He hadn’t closed the sliding doors, and water had splashed over the side of the tub.

Spike didn’t even realise that she was there. When she turned the water off, he only twitched ever so slightly.

Buffy knelt down beside the tub, the knees of her pants soaking in the puddle that had formed in front of the shower. Tentatively, she reached out a hand to touch his arm. Upon the contact, he shied away from her, pressing his body against the tiled wall.

“Don’t,” his voice was barely a whisper. “Please, don’t.”

Buffy’s fingers curled against his arm before she withdrew her hand. “Are you okay?” She knew that he was not. She had seen it the moment he had pulled back from her in the factory.

Jerkily, he shook his head. “It hurts.” Again, she could hardly understand him. “It’s too much.”

She didn’t know what to say. So he really did remember.

Ever since he had told her about his deal with the fearie lord, she had wished for the spell to break. She wanted him to remember, wanted him to look at her as he had back in Sunnydale. And now that he remembered, he acted like he had when he had gotten his soul back.

Scared. Incoherent.

It wasn’t right. It just wasn’t right.

She had never treated him very well, had never let herself believe that there was something between them. She had waited until the last possible minute to tell him how she felt. And now that she got a second chance, it was still all screwed up.

Why couldn’t she have a normal relationship? Why couldn’t just fall for a regular guy? Why did everything have to be this complicated?

Well, being the Slayer was one part of it.

Dwelling in her thoughts, Buffy hadn’t realised that Spike was now looking at her. His eyes glistened deep blue.

“Go.” Suddenly, his voice had regained some of its usual strength. “Leave me alone.”

Buffy blinked a few times in confusion. “What?”

“You can’t be around me. It’s too much.” Tears were rolling down his cheeks. “Please, go.”

A long beat passed between them. Then, she nodded. When she spoke, her voice sounded very sad. “Okay. If… if you’re… feeling better, you know… where to find me.” For a moment, she remained kneeling beside the shower, then she rose and left the room.

When the door clicked shut behind her, Buffy leaned against it, letting out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. Tears were threatening to spill down her cheeks. She clamped a hand over her mouth to keep herself from sobbing.

Deep down inside her, a realisation clawed its way to the surface.

It just wasn’t meant to be.


***