She woke early the next morning, her mind instantly full of all the things she wanted to say and do today. Today was going to be the first day of her new life. It would be hard, but so worth it in the end.

She rolled over to face the sleeping vampire next to her, taking in his healing bruises. She had been so wrong to hurt him like that and she had no idea how she could make it up to him. In fact, what she was planning to do would probably hurt him even more, even if he understood her motivation.

She sighed, smiling softly as she pushed a wayward curl from his forehead. He mumbled something in his sleep and then those blue eyes were on her, bright with confusion- obviously at finding her still at his side.

“Buffy?”

“I’m still here.”

“I know,” he whispered, a smile twitching at his lips, “Just not sure why.”

“I’ve got some things I want to say. Need to say.”

“Am I gonna like it?”

“If you really care about me, I hope you’ll understand.”

“Sounds ominous.”

She smiled softly and reached out to take his hand, somehow needing the reassurance of his touch to continue.

“I don’t want to be the woman I became last night. I’m not that person…the kind of person that takes things out on people who care about me. I…I’m so sorry for what I did to you-”

“S’fine, Buffy, I-“

“It’s not fine, Spike. I hurt you…and I don’t even know why I did it. I was wrong, so wrong. I don’t want to be this person anymore. I…I can’t go on like this.”

“You’re not happy.”

“No, I’m not,” she agreed, squeezing his hand in hers, “And that’s my fault too. Everything’s just been really hard and I let things get on top of me.”

“Counting me as one of those ‘things’?” he asked with a tired version of his usual leer.

“No. You…you helped. Kept me alive…grounded, if that makes sense.”

“But?”

“But I can’t go on like this, living like this.”

“What you saying, Buffy?”


She heard the fear in his voice and met his bright gaze.

“I…you mean something to me, Spike. But I can’t…I think I need some space. I need to make things right again…make me right again.”

“Nothin’ wrong with you, pet.”

“We both know that’s not true. I don’t want to be this person anymore. I need to find myself again. Which just sounds stupid-“

“I understand, love.”

“Really?” she asked quietly, meeting his eyes again, afraid at what she might see there- something to hold her back, maybe.

“Really,” he answered, brushing a hair out of her face, “Not saying it’s going to be easy, being away from you. But if it’s what you want, what you need…”

“I do.”

“Then I’m gone.”

“Not completely gone though?” she asked, panic sweeping through her, “You’ll stay?…Be here?”

“Always. However much I love having you in my bed, I want to see you happy…and I think I much prefer this new Buffy already.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, she hasn’t hit me yet.”

She blanched and then looked at him earnestly, squeezing his hand in hers.

“I’ll never hit you again, Spike. I was wrong to do it. No more, I promise.”

He smiled and she moved to sit, still facing him.

“I better get to the shop, see what they’ve found. You rest though, ‘kay? And I’ll be back to check on you later.”

“Don’t have to, pet.”

“I’ll be back later,” she repeated firmly.

He smiled and she pushed herself to her feet.

“Thank you, Spike. For everything.”

She smiled somewhat shyly and then finally climbed out of his bedroom.


~*~*~*~*~

First stop on the first day of her new life was the Doublemeat Palace. Starting a new life definitely meant it was time for a job that wasn’t completely soul-destroying. After a very short conversation with the manager, she left the restaurant with a smile and a bounce in her step. New Buffy was going to get a proper job that did not involve serving food.

She made her way finally to the Magic Box, going in and smiling at the sight of her friends in the midst of a doughnut-break.

“What’s the what?” she asked, moving in and sitting on a chair.

“The girl’s been officially identified as Katrina. We’re still trying to find Warren though,” Willow reported, “He’s one well-hidden little man.”

“Well, keep trying. He won’t get away with this.”

“How’s Spike?” Xander asked and Buffy wasn’t the only one staring at him in surprise. He shrugged, wincing slightly. “What?! He looked really rough.”

Now it was Buffy’s turn to wince but she hid it, turning to the group.

“He’s healing. He should be okay soon.”

“Do you know what demon it was yet?” Willow asked.

“Err, no. Not yet,” she answered awkwardly, an image of Spike’s bruised face flashing before her eyes.

Taking a deep breath, she looked at her friends again and cleared her throat.

“I, err, I want to talk to you guys.”

“What’s wrong?” Willow asked worriedly.

“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong. Things are…things are going to get right, I hope.”

“Anyone else not making sense of the Buffy-speak?” Dawn commented.

Buffy smiled and took another calming breath.

“Things are going to change. I’m going to change.”

“Change?” Willow echoed.

“Yeah. For too long I’ve been…wallowing. Things haven’t been right…with me. But I haven’t even tried to fix it. I’ve just kept it all to myself…lashing out at the people who care about me.”

She saw Spike’s bruised face again and took another breath before continuing.

“You’ve been a bitch,” Dawn exclaimed, causing the others to gasp at her abruptness. Buffy, however, grimaced and nodded.

“I know. That’s why I want to change. I don’t want to be that person.”

“Why were you then?” her sister challenged.

“I’m not sure. I just couldn’t cope with…with everything really. Coming back, trying to live again, having to work and pay the mortgage and…just everything.”

“You never said anything,” Willow got out quietly.

“I know. I never wanted you guys to worry. So I…I never showed you how hard it was for me. Especially at the start.”

“Is that why you told Spike about heaven and not us?” Dawn asked.

“Yes,” she admitted softly, meeting her sister’s gaze, “He was the only person I could talk to. I guess because I didn’t really care about hurting him. That’s another thing I really need to work on.”

She frowned, thinking of the beating she had given him, and shook her head, looking to her friends again.

“Everything’s going to change. I’m going to be a better person.”