Foreboding

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“Mom, you were in love with Dad, right?”

Her mother looked surprised by her sudden question but turned to her, eyes scanning her in an unnerving mother-like way.

“Yes,” she answered finally, “I was. Very much so.”

“What was it like?”

Her mother looked even more surprised by this, but continued nonetheless, her eyes fixed on Buffy.

“Being in love?”

Buffy nodded and she smiled somewhat fondly.

“One of the best feelings in the world. You want to be with that one person so much it’s like an addiction. And when you’re around them, you feel, just, alive. They make everything seem...right.”

There was a long silence and Buffy sighed, sinking her head on her hand.

“You’re not in love with Riley.”

It wasn’t a question and her head snapped up, her eyes pained.

“No.”

“Sometimes, you know, you do things because you think it’s the right thing to do. But with matters of the heart, you shouldn’t listen to anything but your heart.”

“Not always easy,” she muttered.

She raised her head and smiled wryly at her mother, who was watching her with a concerned expression.

“You’re young still, Buffy. You shouldn’t be worrying about pleasing everyone else.”

She smiled wearily and slid from the stool.

“Well, time for patrol.”



She strolled through the cemetery, slowing her pace as she passed Spike’s crypt, hoping to stumble upon him. There was no sight of him though and she sighed as she moved on, twirling her stake in her hand. It seemed that nothing could drive thoughts of the vampire out of her head- especially when she was with Riley. And she knew Riley had noticed by the number of times he mentioned her distractedness and the hurt look on his face.
She tried to show more affection than she felt, but even she knew it seemed forced. And it seemed everyone else was noticing. Her mother seemed to know more than anyone and Buffy feared just how much her mother had figured out. Her friends, too, had mentioned how distracted she seemed lately.

But no amount of forced smiles could hide the fact that she was hurting; that she was yearning for something she couldn’t have. And as if her thoughts had brought him, she saw Spike break out of the trees just to her right. She came to a halt and he spotted her, gaze turning serious as he headed towards her.



He stopped just in front of her, hands stuffed in his pockets.

“Slayer. How’s things?”

“Okay, I guess,” she murmured, her eyes searching his for some clue to his strange mood.

“Not seeing Captain Cardboard tonight?” he asked, and she could have sworn something flashed in his eyes as he asked.

“No. I’m...well, I’m avoiding.”

“Yeah?” he prompted, one eyebrow twitching, a hint of amusement in his expression.

“Yeah,” she admitted, not willing to explain it any further, but knowing that he understood her- as always.

“Want some company then?” he asked in a low voice.

“Always.”

They fell into step side-by-side and she tried not to let on how much his closeness affected her.

“How you been, Slayer?”

“Okay. You?”

“Not much to report.”

He flashed her a somewhat tired smile and she met his eyes for a second too long.



He reached out and took her hand, suddenly achingly close, his touch burning her skin.

“Buffy...”

She was lost: lost in that endless blue gaze, lost in the feel of his tight grip. And getting lost was so not an option.

“Spike,” she got out, nowhere near as firmly as she had intended.

“Don’t push me away,” he murmured, his eyes locked on hers, “I need...God, Slayer, I can’t...”

She had never seen Spike at such a loss for words and she stared at him helplessly. His bright eyes bore into her and when his fingers grazed her cheek, she let out a tiny sigh.

“Spike.”

Before she could make any move, his lips were brushing hers achingly softly and for just a second, she succumbed. She leant towards him, arching into his touch, desperate for more. But all too soon, she was pushing him away, staring up at him with pleading eyes.

“Please,” she whispered, “Don’t make this harder than it already is.”

“Harder!” he exploded, “It’s already bloody agony!”

During his outburst, he caught hold of her arm again, holding her close. She wasn’t afraid of his anger- instead, it tugged at her heart. She had made them both miserable by giving in.



“We can’t go on like this,” she whispered and his grip loosened, his eyes narrowing on hers, “It’s too hard.”

“Make it easier then,” he bit out, his eyes shining with anger.

“I’m trying. We should...we should stay away from each other.”

She saw his anger fade, replaced with weariness and something that looked like sadness.

“Can’t, Slayer. I just can’t.”

“You have to. We both have to. This is just going to drive us crazy.”

“Too late for me, I fear, pet.”

She raised a hand to his cheek, unable to resist the contact.

“Go away. Get away from me...somewhere where you can be you again.”

“You don’t want me gone, Slayer.”

“No. But I don’t know what else to do.”

“Get rid of Soldier Boy.”

“Spike-“

“He’s not good enough for you.”

“He’s human.”

“And?” he challenged, staring her down, “You don’t know what that boy’s capable of.”

She remained silent, waiting for him to continue.

“You want to know?”

“I-“

“You ever get the urge, go to West Street. Alley just past the butcher’s. Big house on the right. You’ll see what Captain Cardboard’s really like.”

Without another word, he released her arm and strode off in the opposite direction, leaving her staring at his retreating back.



She didn’t even want to think about what Spike had suggested about Riley and so she made her way home, only to find herself easily distracted by her mother’s obvious pain. She found her mother curled up on the sofa, one hand held to her head, the lights low.

“Mom? Are you okay?”

“It’s just a headache, honey. I’ll be fine.”

“You’ve been having a lot of headaches lately.”

“I’m sure it’s just stress.”

Her mother winced then, closing her eyes tightly as her face contorted with pain.

“Mom, promise me you’ll go to the doctor. You’re scaring me.”

Her mother slowly opened her eyes and nodded numbly, one hand still on her head.

“I’m fine, Buffy. I’m sure it’s nothing.”

She smiled weakly, accepting her mother’s words- but deep down, she felt unsure, wary.