Getting Harder

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Once again, she left early the next morning, her heart aching as she dressed quietly, her eyes fixed on the sleeping vampire. She would have given anything to stay wrapped up in his comforting embrace but she knew she simply could not: if she stayed, she would no longer be able to fight the part of her that was trying to stay strong, to play her role in the ridiculous farce her life had become. She had to be the Slayer, the hopeful daughter, the good girlfriend.

Sometimes she was tired of it all but something in her felt that there was meaning behind all this, even if sometimes it seemed far from her comprehension. It was harder to remember when every little part of her heart was screaming at her to forget this charade, to give it all up and throw herself in with Spike. She had no doubts that he would let her down- but she also knew her duty. Knew what was right. And she would keep playing that role as long as she could.



She was playing the role of a perfectly happy daughter now as she accompanied her mother to the hospital. She tried to pretend that nothing serious was happening; that her mother was just here for a few days to rest- almost as if she was staying at a spa. Of course, the illusion was harder to keep up when they got her mother into a bed and began to hook her up to all sorts of monitoring machines, but she ignored it as best she could.

“Do you want me to bring you anything?” she asked brightly, “I’m sure it’s compulsory to bring grapes...I could bring you a book as well...although you might be tired...Maybe I could-“

Her mother’s hand on hers stopped her ramble and she looked up to meet her mother’s calm gaze.

“I’ll be just fine, Buffy. I’ll be back home in no time.”

Buffy nodded, unable to put that agreement into words.

“Some grapes might be nice though,” she added with a smile and Buffy nodded.

“Grapes, right. I can do that. And anything else you need...you just let me know. I’ll be fetching girl.”

Her mother squeezed her hand and she dropped her head for a moment, blinking back tears.

“You’ll be alright by yourself?” Joyce asked, “I don’t mind if you want one of your friends to stay. Willow maybe...or even Riley.”

Buffy’s head snapped up and she shook her head.

“No. No, I’ll be fine by myself.”

Her mother smiled softly and settled back on her pillows, her eyelids drooping.

“I should leave you to sleep.”

Joyce nodded and smiled again, yawning slightly.

“I’ll be back tomorrow. After the operation.”

“Goodnight, Buffy.”

“Night, Mom. I...I love you.”

“I love you too, honey.”



Before she could break down in front of her mother, she quickly pressed a kiss to her cheek and fled the room, taking deep calming breaths. She rounded the corner and almost collided with a body, stopping just inches from the figure and raising her head to frown at the person in her way. Her frown faded when her eyes met Spike’s and she smiled slightly.

“Hi.”

“Hey,” he got out, eyes searching her, “You okay?”

She gave a little half-shrug and attempted a smile.

“She’s just been checked in.”

He nodded and reached out to rest his hand on her shoulder in a gentle caress.

“She’ll be okay.”

She nodded again and blinked back another set of tears.

“Want me to walk you home?”

She looked up at the vampire, hesitating for a moment, and then nodded, falling into step beside him.



They made their way back through Sunnydale in silence, but she took comfort in his presence beside her. Somehow, she needed him by her side to keep her going, back to her lonely house. They reached the house and lingered on the porch and although she avoided meeting his eyes, she could feel them on her. He reached out and touched her arm and she hesitantly raised her gaze to his.

“You gonna be okay, love?” he asked softly.

She gave a little nod and what must have seemed a very pathetic attempt at a smile because he squeezed her arm gently, those blue eyes searching hers.

“Do you...maybe you could come in? For a bit?”

He hesitated and she spoke up again, suddenly not wanting to be alone.

“Please. I just want some company for a while.”

He nodded, still silent, and she opened the door, letting them both into the house. They went through into the living room and she gestured to the couch, smiling softly as he perched on it awkwardly. She brought her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, resting her chin on her knees. He glanced at her and with a slight smile, relaxed somewhat, settling back on the couch.

“Do you want to watch TV?” she asked quietly.

“Sure,” he answered with a smile, just glancing at her, before turning back to the television.



Somehow, during the programme, their hands had shifted and although there was still some distance between them, her fingers were laced round his tightly. His thumb was stroking gently over the back of her hand, soothing her frayed nerves and lulling her into sleepiness. Suddenly though, there was a knock at the front door and she bolted up, pulling her hand away from his. She saw the pain flash across his face and turned away, rising to her feet and going to the door. Wiping a hand across her tired face and pushing her hair out of the way, she opened the door- and started at the sight of Riley on the other side.

“Riley,” she got out tiredly.

“Hi, Buffy. How are you? How’s your mom?”

He was already moving into her house- without an invite- and she turned to answer him but saw that he had already stopped in the doorway to the living room.

“What are you doing here?” Riley bit out.

“Riley,” Buffy warned, coming up to his side, “He just came to check on my mom.”

“I should get going,” Spike exclaimed, getting to his feet, his eyes barely meeting hers. She wanted to beg him to stay but could say nothing, frozen on the spot as he moved towards her. He stopped just before her and went to reach for her, but with a glance at Riley stopped himself.

“Let me know how it goes.”

She nodded and then he was gone, disappearing silently out of the front door.



She was drawn back to Riley as he placed a heavy hand on her shoulder, moving closer.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine, Riley. I’m just tired. I should get some sleep really.”

She went to move away but his arms wrapped round her and she tensed as she felt him press a kiss to her neck.

“I could stay with you,” he suggested lowly.

She slipped out of his embrace, crossing her arms around herself.

“I’m sorry, Riley. Now really isn’t a good time.”

“And when will be?” he snapped and she spun round to face him, shocked by his outburst. He stepped forward and caught her by the elbow, drawing her close to him. He was quite visibly angry, but at the same time, she could see the pain flashing in his eyes.

“We haven’t shared a bed since we got back together, Buffy,” he bit out, “Why won’t you let me in again?”

“I just...I need time,” she lied, her voice shaking.

“I love you, Buffy, but I can’t take this much longer.”

Before she could say anything, he released her and quickly left the house, the door closing loudly behind him. Sinking onto the sofa, she drew her legs up to her again and leant her head on the arm, blinking back tears.