Return to You by Thianna
Chapter #12 - 12 - I Don't Want to Lose You
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.

Chapter 12 - I Don't Want To Lose You

London, England

The breeze was gentle and the sun was out. All in all it had been a pretty good day. They had gone to see Giles in the morning where Giles did his usual poke and prodding as well as taking out a couple of vials of blood from Spike which he didn’t like that much. Tests had to be done to the blood samples so Spike and Buffy had the next two days to kill by themselves.

Spike had mixed feelings about the wait. It was time to spend with Buffy and maybe show her around town but at the same time it was two more days of worrying both about Emily and what the results could be. He hated the uncertainty of it all. What if they found out that this was all temporary? He couldn’t bare to lose Buffy again, not when he just found her. Spike tried to console himself with the fact that at least he had the next two days with her.

“You okay? You’re actually quiet for once.” Buffy said.

Spike had been so lost in thought about what the future would be between them that he didn’t notice that they had been walking now in silence for the past five minutes. “Uhm… yeah. I’m good. Just thinking.”

“Spike and thinking, not usually a good thing.” She said trying to make him laugh.

“I don’t know Buffy. Guess I’m just worried about things and why we’re here. I mean I guess I understand why we need to figure out how and why I’m here, but at the same time, I wish we could just let it be.”


“I know who I am, I know what I’ve done and by some miracle I’m here, with you. And I really don’t want to question why. I’m not sure if I want to find out that I’ll lose you again.” Spike said hurtfully in defeat. He didn’t want to find out that maybe he was just on borrowed time once more and this time it seemed like nothing more than a sick joke.

Buffy saw the hurt in his eyes and couldn’t help but offer him a hug.

Spike took it willingly, burying his face by her neck and taking her in. “I love you” he mumbled into her neck as he gently tightened his arms around her waist.

His breath sent shivers down Buffy’s spine as she closed her eyes, trying to figure out if this was wrong or not. He was back in her life ... and he was human, well mostly, and she didn’t want that taken away from her again. But was it right to willing let Collin disappear for her happiness? She was being selfish again. Spike was now trailing kisses up and down her neck and as much as she wanted him to be close, she mustered the strength to pull away from him.

“This isn’t right,”, she blurted out.

“It never is Slayer, but I love you and technically I’m not undead. So what’s wrong with me being this close to you?” Spike said trying to wrap his arms around her again.

“No, nothing wrong with it… but this isn’t your body.”

“I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”, he said with a sly smile.

“Spike! It’s not right because it would be like taking advantage of Collin.”

Again, another confirmation that he wasn’t himself. “I don’t want to go anywhere, Slayer. I found you and I’m actually in a bloody position to be respectable enough to be with you. I love you.”, he said almost pleading.

Buffy’s heart felt like it was breaking. She wanted what he was offering. He was alive, he had a soul and he loved her more than anything in the world. He made her feel special and important and in his eyes she didn’t have to prove anything. And she loved him as well – the nights of crying and aching were proof of that. She wanted to be with him so dearly but to do it would be destroy Collin – to cast him aside like a broken doll. “You would sacrifice Collin for that?”

“Why not?! Is love wrong then? Besides, he wanted this, calling my name, conjuring me up in his dreams.”

“That wasn’t his fault and besides it’s not like he fantasized about you.”

Spike knew she was right. He could feel it, the guilt, the dread.. it weighted heavier on him now more than when he first got his soul back. He closed his eyes, trying to straighten the rush of emotions inside him. It was bad enough getting his soul back, but with two consciousnesses swimming around, it felt like an extra weight on his soul… an extra coat of bright red pointing out all the wrongs he had done.


“Collin?!” a feminine voice called out to the couple.

Spike looked up, to try and see who it was that interrupted them, as Buffy slid out of his arms, much to his disappointment. The woman came towards them, waving her hand.

“Collin!”, the woman said again, this time pulling Spike into an embrace. “Why did you not tell me you were back? I swear, you’d think you’d at least tell your own Mother that you’ll be coming into town.”

”Bugger!” Spike thought. Now it made sense why this park felt so familiar to him. He thought it was just because he had visit this place many a night when he was first turned, now he somehow remembered that Collin’s Mom liked taking afternoon walks here. And just his luck that out of all the people that were here today, his Mom actually spotted him. “Sorry. It was kind of last minute.”

“Where’s Emily?”

“She didn’t come with me. School and all. But I made sure she’s taken cared of. Mrs. Jenkins is there to look after her. Not that she needs it Mom. She is sixteen.”

“So are you here on business or pleasure?”, she said eyeing Buffy. His mother knew Collin’s reputation well.

“Sorry… Mother this is Buffy Anne Summers.”

“Nice to meet you, dear. I hope my son here has been on his good behavior.”

“As well as can be expected, Mrs. Pratt. He has been kind enough to show me around London.”

“Collin, dear, please don’t tell me that you’re living in a dreadful hotel during your stay when there’s more than enough room at home.”

“Didn’t want to bother you Mum”, he said. Actually was hoping not to see you at all.

“Now I’ll have none of that. You shall stay with us for the rest of your stay. Besides how would it look for you to be staying in a hotel. People will think we’ve kicked you out or worse.”

Spike looked at Buffy, trying to see if she was okay with it, but all she did was smile, her face giving away some form of amusement that he was in the hot seat. Spike replied with a smirk then turned back to his “mother”. “Alright Mum, we’ll check out and stay at the house.”

“Good good! Just call and I’ll send the car over. See you both tonight?” she said, leaning over and giving him a kiss on the cheek.

“Yes, Mother.”, Spike said trying not to sound too annoyed. After one more hug, the woman finally left, much to his relief, only to find Buffy giggling beside him.

“What’s so funny?!”

“Just funny seeing you squirm for once.”

“Hey, not my fault. And it’s not like she’s my mother.”

“Technically she is!”

“I doubt you’ll be as amused once we get settled in at home

“Maybe I can get your Mom to show me baby pictures.”

“It won’t be of me and now who’s taking advantage of Collin’s situation?”

“Sorry… but seriously Spike, maybe we can find out more about Collin and figure out exactly what’s going on.”

A/N: Sorry if parts of this chapter don’t seem to well written and not much happened... I just needed it to setup the next chapter.