A/N: Big thanks to Megan for her betaing for this chapter!


Chapter 36: Chapters Close.


Spike watched from inside the living room as Buffy slowly turned to face Angel. Turn away… come inside… please don’t listen to him…

His mind was a whir of thoughts, most of them involving inflicting incredible pain to the vampire on the other side of the wall. He couldn’t believe Buffy was going to listen to him after Angel had kept another secret from her.

When he had seen her climb out of that van he had wanted nothing more than to run outside and sweep her up into his arms. She was safe, she was home and he was relieved.

But then all of her friends had flooded outside and he had found himself standing behind, watching her like he did so often. People flocked to Buffy. And he didn’t just mean tonight. As a whole, people were just drawn to her. She was a cautious person, and scant few were allowed into her heart. Most of them who had been let in were currently upstairs sleeping right now.

Dawn’s little speech had lent him some courage. If Dawn had noticed a change then maybe it wasn’t all just wishful thinking on his part. Maybe she did see him differently.

Spike had always been on the outer, never allowed entrance into that trusted circle. Until today. And now he felt like he was being shut out again.

Even before he knew her, he had been drawn to her.

When word reached him that the newest slayer was guarding the Hellmouth, the very place he needed to bring Dru to make her well again, he had jumped at the chance. That first night, his first sighting of her, dancing at the Bronze with her friends, had changed his life forever. Since that moment she had always been in his thoughts. Whether it be hatching his newest foolproof plot to make her the third on the list of slayer’s felled by his hand, or dreaming of her beauty and wondering how she would feel curled up in his bed, she was always there.

He loved her, and she knew it.

And before tonight he had been ridiculed for it, not only by her but also by her friends. When she had come barreling through that door at the Initiative, when she had kissed him and offered her life’s blood to help him heal… when she had gently bandaged his wounds, it had felt like things were changing. Like she was finally seeing him.

All his hope flew out the window the moment he saw Angel touch her.

~~~

“Angel…” Buffy mumbled quietly.

“Buffy please. Just hear me out,” he pleaded with her.

She acquiesced with a nod.

“I’m sorry. For Darla, for putting your sister in danger, for everything,” he apologized softly. He ran his hands through his hair as he tried to find the right words. “What I said before… was inexcusable. I was angry and I lashed out, and I apologize for that.”

Buffy nodded again, feeling some of her anger recede as Angel spoke. The apology was genuine, she was certain of that. “Look, lets just forget about it, okay?” she whispered softly.

“No,” Angel said with a determined shake of his head. “I don’t want to forget about it, I don’t want to forget about us.”

~~~

Spike felt his entire body go rigid as those words left Angel’s mouth, and he had to fight to keep in the growl that wanted to escape his lips. The demon within him was demanding release, wanting to claim what it felt was rightfully his.

Spike’s demon thought of Buffy as his.

The man in him knew that in truth, it was the other way around. Every molecule, every cell, every hair on his body, belonged to her.

~~~

“Angel… there is no us. Not anymore. Our time has past.” Buffy conceded quietly, surprised that saying those words didn’t sting like it used to.

Even when she had been dating Riley, she would sometimes find her thoughts traveling to Angel. He was her first love and a small part of her did belong to him and him only. And even though she had moved on, the thought of him doing the same had hurt.

It had hurt tonight when she had found out about Darla.

Moving on was a fact of life, and she realized now that what stung the most was the fact that he hadn’t come to her, hadn’t told her about the things that were happening in his life. Not the fact that he had been with someone else.

Maybe she was finally over him…

“No,” Angel shook his head again. “I don’t believe that. Buffy what about the prophecy?”

~~~

Inside Spike’s head he had silently been cheering. She had turned him down!

She said no!

He knew how much Peaches had meant to her, and by turning him down maybe it meant that she was finally over him, that his worries from earlier were unfounded. She wouldn’t go back to him now, and not just because of the secrets he’d kept hidden. She had said that their time was past.

But the momentary happiness Spike felt faded at the mention of a prophecy. Hadn’t they suffered through enough of them, real and fake?

~~~

“Angel, you don’t even know how far away that will be,” Buffy sighed.

Two years ago, hearing that Angel might someday be human, that they could be together, would have been the greatest thing anyone could have ever told her. But now?

“I won’t give up on you,” He said determinedly. “Not if there is a chance that we can be together one day. Buffy I would be human… I could give you the life that you deserve.”

~~~

Spike’s jaw gaped. Angel… human?!

How was that even possible?

How can I compete with that?

~~~

“Angel.” Buffy sighed as she looked up, searching those brown eyes and seeing the conviction there. “The prophecy may or may not come to pass in this lifetime. I’m not going to make promises I can’t keep, and I don’t want you to feel obligated to come to me if and when it does happen.”

Angel stepped forward, placing his hands on her shoulders. “Buffy, I’d never loved anyone before I met you. You’re the reason I do what I do.”

“Did you hear that?” she said with a smile. “You said loved. Not love. Angel what you and I had is in the past. I do care about you. But I don’t love you. Not anymore.”

Angel’s shoulders slumped dejectedly. He had waited too long and had missed his chance. If only he had never left in the first place maybe…

If Buffy knew Angel at right, right about now he would be wondering what he could do to fix things or what he should have done so as they didn’t end up where they were now. A small smile started to creep its way across her face. Angel was a big part of her past. He was her first love and her first heartbreak, all in one package. She could never deny that he was important to her because he was. Just not in the same way.

These past few days had shone a light on that for her. At the Initiative complex all of her concerns had been about saving Spike and not just to secure her sister’s safety. She had been worried for Angel but at the same time she knew that he would be able to take care of himself, he always had. It had been hard when he had left her after graduation but she had learned to deal, she had made steps to move on. And not itty bitty steps big ones. Two years ago if she had been asked what she saw in her future the first thing she would have responded with would have been Angel.

Now when she thought of the future, she thought of family. She thought of her sister, of her friends and of Giles. She had grown as a person and her priorities had evolved, as had her love. When she thought of Angel now, it was with affection nothing more.

“I know you may not see it, but right now you’ve got more important things to think about.”

~~~

Hear that? She cares about HIM… not you. Prat.

Spike mentally kicked his inner self. He was trying not to let this get to him trying to stay optimistic. Dawn said…

But his hope was deflating with each moment longer she stayed outside.

~~~

“Like what?” he asked.

“Like your child,” she replied simply. “Angel you’re going to be a father.”

A tiny smile crept across Angel’s face.

“Despite the…” She searched for the right word. “Circumstances which are the cause for the impending birth, I am happy for you. This is something that shouldn’t be happening for obvious biological reasons, but it is,” she smiled softly.

An eyebrow lifted as she continued speaking, her voice taking on a harsh but decisive tone. “I still think you must have lost your mind to sleep with Darla, and I DO promise you that if she ever sets foot in this town again she will not be leaving here alive.”

Angel winced, but didn’t argue with her, instead nodding once in acknowledgement. The whole thing with Darla… he wished he could take it all back. But if he did that, it would mean taking away the baby.

“But if you hadn’t messed up so badly, you wouldn’t be about to become a father.”

A horn beeped and Angel looked over his shoulder to see Gunn waving him towards the van. The horizon was beginning to lighten and he would have to lock himself in the back of the van, safely away from the sun’s harmful rays.

“We’re not good here, Angel,” Buffy informed solemnly. “You and me… you kept secrets and you put my sister’s life in danger.”

“I know,” he replied, mentally berating himself again. He knew he could never take back what he had done, he just hoped that one day he would be able to make things right. Now was not that time.

“Thank you,” he said with a smile.

“For what?” she asked quizzically.

“For being you. For not tying me up on your porch and leaving me to greet the sunrise. And for understanding.”

At Buffy’s quirked brow he laughed.

“Okay… tolerating.”

“That’s more like it.”

Angel returned the grin, thinking for a moment before he pulled Buffy into his arms, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead and holding her tightly.

Buffy tensed for a moment before quickly returning the embrace, and then just as quickly extracting herself from his arms and taking a step towards the front door.

“Go! Before you turn all crispy fried.”

Angel jogged down the stairs and walked backwards across the lawn to the van. “You’re incredible. You know that?”

He opened up the backdoor, smiling at her again. “I’ll always love you Buffy.”

Before Buffy could respond, he had disappeared into the back of the van and closed the door. A salute in her direction from Gunn and then the van backed out of the driveway and disappeared down the street.

“Goodbye Angel,” she whispered with a relieved sigh.

Angel was a part of her past now, and that was where he belonged. They had tried the on-again, off-again thing and it hadn’t worked. She had come to realize that their time had passed. Despite his promises, things would never be the same between them again.

It was over.

Really over.

She was done dwelling on the past; the ‘what if’s’ no longer had as much influence as they used to. She was ready to move on to her future, and she knew that no matter what she decided she would have the support of her friends.

Her thoughts went back to Spike, her hand tracing up to gently touch the two tiny puncture wounds on the side of her neck, a small smile creeping it’s way across her face. She had been thinking more and more about the bleached vampire over the last… well, if she was honest, several weeks. At first she had dismissed the new feelings of trust that she felt for the vampire. Yes, he had protected Dawn from Glory, but did that mean he deserved a chance?

Yes…

She was ready for a new chapter of her life to start. All she needed to do was make the first move. Buffy inhaled a haggard breath as she tried to bolster her courage. Was she really going to do this? Was she really going to risk opening up to another vampire?

He’s not Angel…

She inhaled deeply again. Because he wasn’t Angel. Spike was vastly different from her former love. The only real similarity between them was that they were both vampires.

Spike was a vampire, he didn’t have a soul, and by all means he should be trying to kill her. But he wasn’t. And it wasn’t just because of the chip. If it were removed tomorrow she doubted that his feelings would change, and she trusted that he would never try to bite her friends. He had changed so much over the last year it was incredible.

And he loved her. Completely.

Figuring that he would be in the basement Buffy turned and walked towards her front door, her fingers grasping the handle. Admitting that she was wrong was not something that Buffy could do very easily. So telling Spike that she knew he had changed, that he was a better man like he had professed to her just mere weeks ago, was not going to be easy. But she had to.

She was going to tell him.

Now.



~~~~~~~~~~
A/N: One more to go guys! Let me know your thoughts. :D