A/N: Tara's song is Back to Before from "Ragtime."

*****

Chapter 5: Can’t Go Back

Willow was halfway down the block before Xander managed to catch up. “Hey, Will… hey, wait up!”

Instead of slowing down, she quickened her pace. “I don’t wanna talk right now, Xand.”

“Too bad,” he replied, catching her arm and spinning her around to face him. “Look, Will, I know what you’re feeling… because I feel it, too.”

“You have no idea what I feel!” she shot back, breaking out of his grasp. She started walking away again, but Xander was right behind her.

“I’m gonna go out on a limb and say guilt.” He stepped in front of her, blocking her path. “Am I right?”

“No!... Maybe,” she conceded. “But it’s not – it’s not just Buffy. I mean, yeah, all with the guilty feelings there but… it’s Tara, too.”

“What about Tara?” He took her arm again, gentler this time, and led her toward the Espresso Pump where they could sit and talk.

“She left. I – I mean, she said she couldn’t… be with me, and she’s moving out.”

“Oh, Will, I’m sorry,” Xander breathed, giving her a brief hug before settling her in a chair and taking the seat opposite. “What happened?”

“She – she said I’m using too much magic,” Willow sniffled, pulling several napkins out of the table’s dispenser and wiping her eyes.

“Are you?”

She seemed startled by the question. “Well, no, I… I just… It doesn’t hurt anybody!”

“It hurt Buffy.”

“But she’s alive! And we didn’t know she was in heaven! And I feel terrible, but I can’t be sorry that my best friend’s not dead. And Tara’s accusing me of – of… and we fought, and it was awful, Xander, and I just wanted it to be over, so I…”

“You what, Will?”

“I did a forgetting spell,” she mumbled. “So she wouldn’t remember the fight.”

Xander leaned back in his chair, stunned. Before he could gather the words to speak, Willow went on. “I know I use a lot of magic, but I just wanna help. I need to help.”

“Who were you helping when you cast a spell on Tara?”

She dropped her gaze to the crumpled napkins in her hand, which she was nervously tearing into strips. “Magic is… it’s what I do.”

“It’s not all you do, Will.”

“I know, but… I know I could fix this – all of it. Buffy, too, if I just –”

“Willow.” His voice startled her into silence – a stern, commanding tone she rarely heard from big funny Xander. He captured her gaze and held it, daring her to look away. “Will, promise me you won’t do a spell to – to fix Buffy. You won’t just… make her forget or anything.”

Her eyes flicked down again. “But…”

“Promise.”

“I promise.” She lifted her head and met his eyes again. “I promise I won’t do a spell to fix Buffy.”

“And Tara?”

She shook her head. That much, at least, was true. But there had to be plenty of ways to fix things without actually casting a spell on the person in question, right?

*****

Having explained to Giles her concerns about Willow, Tara left the Magic Box. She didn’t think she could stomach sitting there, doing research with the gang as though nothing was wrong. She didn’t know where Xander and Willow had gone off to, but the Summers house was empty when she got there.

She gazed around the room she’d shared with Willow for the past several months. They’d made it their home in the wake of tragedy, and yet they’d managed to fill it with so many joyful memories. All memories that now seemed bittersweet upon recall.

Pulling a suitcase out of the closet, Tara began to empty the drawers of her belongings, reminiscing quietly.

“There was a time
Our happiness seemed never-ending
I was so sure
That where we were heading was right
Life was a road
So certain and straight and unbending
Our little road
With never a crossroad in sight"

Gathering odds and ends from the dresser, she caught her reflection in the mirror. How had she become this sad creature who looked back at her? She closed her eyes and imagined the two of them, arms wrapped around each other, eyes dancing, grinning at her from the mirror, the very reflection of love.

“Back in the days
When everything seemed so much clearer
Women in white
Who knew what their lives held in store
Where are they now?
Those women who stared from the mirror
We can never go back to before”

Somehow, it had all changed. Willow had become a different person – she’d ceased to accept the world as it was and depended on magic to change it. Tara knew from her mother’s tutelage, that wasn’t what magic was for. It wasn’t meant to suppress emotions, or gloss over arguments. It wasn’t meant to be an easy fix for whatever was wrong in your life.

“There are people out there
Unafraid of revealing
That they might have a feeling
Or they might have been wrong

“There are people out there
Unafraid to feel sorrow
Unafraid of tomorrow
Unafraid to be weak
Unafraid to be strong”

Placing the last of her essential possessions in the suitcase, she closed it and zipped it shut. With a quick pass around the room, she decided she could come back for everything else. She pulled the suitcase off the bed, stopping to glance in the mirror one last time before leaving the room for good.

“There was a time
When you were the person in motion
I was your girl
It never occurred to want more
You were my sky
My moon and my stars and my ocean
We can never go back to before
We can never go back to before”