Chapter Four:








Morning lay beyond the window of her room, a faint light filtering in from outside. Buffy looked at the sun peeking through the cloud that promised a rainy morning. There was a bird happily singing, its chirps intermingling with the sound of the patter of light rain. A new day that would begin with unexpected surprises, she suspected; for today she was going to find one bleach-headed vampire and force an explanation out of him, one that actually made sense.

She grimaced at the sound of a child’s whimpers coming from outside her room. Last night's conversation with Xander still rang in her head. She figured before any talk with Spike happened, she had to get out of her apartment, and that meant she would run into Xander, and when she did, she had to have another talk with him.

And here she had thought she might actually have a shot at an easy life after Sunnydale. Maybe she could avoid the forthcoming conversation with Xander by sneaking out the window. Great, she groaned, now she was back in high school, sneaking out to meet her vampire boyfriend. In this case, it was ex-vampire-boyfriend.

She gave a sigh and forced herself up. Her eyes appeared funny in the mirror, puffy and small. She yawned, fingers rubbing her forehead and walked out of her room. She found Xander in the bathroom, changing Andrea's diapers.

"Hey," she yawned again.

"Good afternoon," he said. She glanced out the small window in the bathroom. It looked like morning, but it was hard to tell when Edinburgh's afternoons lacked California's burning sun.

She turned her gaze to Xander. He put on a smile that didn't reach his eye, which was focused on nothing but the act of diaper changing. She watched him, not a little impressed. He was good at it. Better than her, anyway.

"So," she said. "I'm gonna head to the castle after breakfast."

He wiped the area thoroughly with a wet baby washcloth. Then he slid a clean diaper under Andrea's bottom, making sure the tabs were on the portion located under her bottom. He didn't answer her all through the process.

"I need to do this, Xander," she reasoned when she was met with silence. "There's a new bad Slayer out there, and I need to stop her."

"Good luck," he muttered, closing the new diaper by pulling the front up over Andrea's belly, pulling the tabs open and around to the fastening surface.

"I'm not abandoning Andy if that's what bothers you," she said, annoyed. "It's time for me to step up. I'm not pregnant anymore."

He looked at her now, disappointment overshadowed his face. "Do you know that it's been sixteen days since you gave birth?"

"Xander…"

"And fourteen days since you came out of the hospital?" He shook his head. "Are you that bored with her already?"

She bit the inside of her cheek, hoping it would bleed. She wanted to scream, 'What would you have done if Anya was the one who came back?' but wisely chose to keep her mouth shut.

He shook his head again and then went to wash his hands.

"I love Andrea," she whispered.

"I know." His words were spoken in an even softer tone. "But she needs to feel it, since babies don't develop telepathic abilities until three years old." He looked at her stomach that was reflected in the mirror. "Besides, shouldn't you be resting for six weeks after delivery?"

A rosy shade colored her cheeks as she bit her lips in embarrassment. "You know I heal faster than a normal person. The worst part of it is over by now."

He turned off the water in silence.

"Xander, I need to go to the castle," she said, sincerely.

His hands clutched at the basin, not looking at her. "Then go."

Situations like this never failed to leave a distinct lump in her throat when Buffy felt like the crappiest person in the world. She wasn't being a good mother or a good friend. However, that didn't stop her from washing her face in the kitchen, changing her clothes, fixing her hair, popping in a couple of breath mints and then heading out. No more words were exchanged with Xander.



~*~*~*~


There was no moon that night and everything below lay in darkness. A few lights shone from a handful of houses, but nothing could be heard. Buffy looked around the empty streets, feeling strands of her hair flying untidily in the air. This was the spot her Slayers had pointed to. Leah had offered to join her, but of course she refused.

This was personal.

Her eyes narrowed at the figure walking out of the small building on the corner. She watched him stop in his tracks and stand still, fully aware of the person on top of the building across the street.

"Doesn't suit you, Buffy," Spike remarked loudly for her to hear while pulling out a cigarette.

She stood and with a few swift jumps and leaps, she was right in front of him. The smoke of his cigarette was already dancing in the air.

"Stalking isn’t exclusive to the undead," she commented. "If it was crowded, you wouldn't have known I was here."

"Can't say I agree," he said. "Could've put it to the test."

She shrugged. "Wasn't up to me. Resources told me you'd be here."

"Resources, eh?" He blew more smoke into the air. Some went straight into her face, but she was used to it. Smoke took over her vision, made her inhale a little; a small enough amount that no one could claim it would affect her health.

"So many changes since Sunnydale, I see," he muttered, more smoke wafting out of his mouth.

"I'm more interested in your changes."

He stared at her for a moment, making her feel small and bare under his attentive gaze. She certainly wasn't comfortable with the way his eyes narrowed, especially when they didn't leave her less than flat stomach. "You gave birth," he softly said.

Buffy blinked a few seconds, unsure if the plump in her stomach was what gave it away. Dark ideas popped into her head of Spike following her last night and spying on her in her apartment. She was about to start with accusations, then stopped. A disgusted expression crossed her face when she realized that Spike could probably smell that she was breast feeding.

"Who's the father?"

She sighed, knowing that he might not take this well. "It's Xander."

Spike frowned. "Xander," he repeated, incredulous.

She nodded with a shrug.

"So, you… shagged Harris and had his little one?"

"Pretty much," she agreed.

"Just like that?"

Buffy tilted her head. Boy, was that jealousy? There was a little flicker inside of her, but she ignored it. She stood straight, arms crossed.

"I don't think I owe you anything, Spike." If she decided to move on and have a baby, it was none of his business. As far as she had known, he was dead, and she had the right to move on. Besides, a long time had passed since the destruction of Sunnydale before she slept with Xander. "And for your information, it was mourning sex," she let out.

He grimaced. "Don't think I asked when the tot was conceived."

"Mourning sex. Sex of grief and loss…" she stopped, before she revealed more. Spike looked a bit shocked, but didn't say anything. "And she was conceived at night," she abruptly added.

Spike rolled his eyes.

She smiled.

"So," Spike approached, looking a bit smug. "That time you buggered Xander, you were… thinking about me?" He stuck his tongue to the back of his teeth and leered.

Now it was her turn to roll her eyes. "Don't push it."

Spike's gaze changed into one of observance. She didn't need to ask what he was thinking about; one raised eyebrow would get him to talk. He shrugged, smiling a little. "You just… you look… happy."

"I see," she muttered. "Now that I'm not screwed up anymore, I'm not so appealing."

He looked hurt. "That's not what I meant. And is that how you think of me?"

"I don't know what to think of you."

He gave an incredulous laugh and turned around.

She raised her voice. "I thought I knew you, Spike, but I guess I don't."

"No, you don't." He turned to face her again in anger. "Buffy, I have a soul now, lest you forget. All about helping others, saving the helpless." His shoulders relaxed as well as his expression, and he looked calmer. "And there are more of them in LA."

"When did you even start to like Angel?"

Now he got furious. "It's not about Angel. It's not about anybody. For the first time, it's about me. I need to do this."

"Well, then, congratulations, Spike," she shot back. "You did what all the important men in my life did. You fled."

"Don't see you biting your arm off for me either."

She used all the self-control she had to hold herself in place. If she didn't, there was no guarantee there would be an argument a few seconds after.

Spike looked at her in wonder. "Surprised you're even here. Don't tell me. Bad break up killed the desire to stay in the City of Romance?"

She closed her eyes, tired. "What are you babbling about now?"

"I was at your apartment in Rome. Andrew said…"

Her eyes shot open. "Andrew knew!" she roared. "That little weasel!"

"I asked him to keep it between us," Spike defended quietly.

She stared at him in shock, and her lower lip almost fluttered. "I… can't look at you anymore." She turned around, clutching her long jacket tighter to her body. "Do you know what really hurts?" She didn't get a response and she wasn't waiting for one. "Sometimes when I'm lying in bed, one sentence keeps going around in my head, driving me insane."

"Buffy…"

"You didn't believe me," she said in hushed tones, hoping he wouldn't detect the tremble. "I chose you over my friends, Spike. I kept choosing you. Over every single one of them." She peered at him over her shoulder, tears gathered in her eyes. "If that wasn't love, then I don't know what it was."

And then it was her turn to leave. She was relieved that he didn't follow her.


~*~*~*~


Buffy struggled with her keys as she held the groceries in one arm. They were propped against her tilted thigh to avoid an accident. She sure was not going to shop for groceries for a third time this week.

Inside her apartment, she found Xander on the couch, watching an episode of Scrubs on TV. The small pink crib was right next to him where Andrea lay asleep.

The sound of the door opening made Xander turn his head around to look at her. They had a moment of eye contact before Xander's eye shifted to gaze at the grocery bags in her hands. She felt ridiculous at the heavy silence between them – Dr. Cox's rant on TV doubled her irritation instead of amusing her like usual- so she figured the best way to break the awkwardness was to do something.

Instinctively, Buffy walked toward the crib and peered down at her sleeping daughter. She silently placed the grocery bags on the table and then gently lifted the sleeping baby into her arms. She didn't rock her or whisper to her; she just gazed at her silently. Thankfully, the noise from TV stopped. She glanced at the TV and noted the 'mute' sign, before looking down at her daughter again. Little black hairs came out of the small bucket hat, which almost made Buffy smile. She had wanted to buy it regardless of the high price. Xander thought it was unnecessary, seeing as Andrea was too little for hats like these, but she had argued that she wanted Andrea to look nice when she walked her outside in the park or the mall. Xander wasn't convinced; he thought a Beanie would be more suitable, but in the end they agreed to buy her both.

Andrea stirred a little in her arms, but didn't wake up. She was adorable, so cute and little. It was heartbreaking that nothing in that adorable face looked like Buffy. It would have helped a little. Maybe.

She felt Xander's hand brush her shoulder and then heard him whisper very softly, as if not to ruin the moment, "Lasagna?"

Eyes still on Andrea, she responded with a quick nod, making a few strands of hair bounce. She heard his soft chuckle followed by the sound of him taking the grocery bags to the kitchen.

As if on cue, her cell phone rang, disturbing the peace. She sighed, placing Andrea back in the crib before taking the phone out of her pocket.

It was Dawn.

"Hello?" Buffy answered in a whisper, gazing down at Andrea, who didn't seem to have been bothered by the phone ringing.

"So, did you talk with Spike?"

Buffy smirked and walked a little further from the crib. "I thought you didn't care about Spike."

"I don't. But I care about the future of my niece."

Buffy shook her head and walked to the kitchen, waved until Xander noticed her, then pointed at the cell phone and then toward her room. When she saw him nodding, she walked to her room and locked the door behind her.

"Andrew knew," she said, heading away from the door.

Dawn gasped. "That sleazy little bastard."

Buffy stood by the window, gazing down at the darkness of the street. "I've threatened to kick his ass for a lot of different things and never followed through, but this is the last straw," she hissed.

"I can't get around the fact that Andrew actually kept a secret."

"Because of his damn tape, I ended up sleeping with Xander, getting pregnant, and was forced to name my kid Andrea…"

"But Andrea is cute," Dawn cut her off with a little squeal.

Buffy glared at the empty street. "What if I wanted to name her Susan?"

"Susan? Seriously?"

"Whatever. I would've liked to have the option."

"You wouldn't have had it, anyway. Xander was the one to name the baby girl, according to your stupid agreement."

Buffy gave a frustrated sigh while watching a girl in the window across from hers. She was spread out on a couch, chatting happily on the phone. When she noticed Buffy gazing, she glared and quickly got up to pull the curtains close.

"I don't think he's the same guy, Dawn," Buffy said, unsure what their conversation was about. "I guess I should hear him out first. It's the fair thing to do, and maybe his answers won't hurt me."

The crisp wind flew in from the open window and ruffled the curtains. It blew on her hair, leaving her neck bare. She closed her eyes, feeling the coolness wash all over her, paying no attention to her body shivering in the thin blouse.

She opened her eyes when she heard Dawn whisper her name and brushed away a stray strand of hair that the wind blew across her mouth.

"He chose to fight side by side with Angel. He didn't even bother to give me a call." One call would have been enough. Even if it would have broken her heart to know that he picked Angel over her, she would at least have known that he wasn't gone. Maybe then she would be able to move on.

"Wait a second. Spike was working in the evil law firm with Angel?"

She turned away from the window when her hair started to get out of control. "Didn't I mention that?"

"No, if you'd have mentioned that, I wouldn't have pushed you to talk to that stupid son of a gun!"

Buffy winced, placing the cell phone between her ear and shoulder as she twisted her hair into a knot she could hold over her head. "Don't shout. Your voice gets squeaky. And you can't pull off 'son of a gun,' so never use it again."

"How can you even stand to be in the same room with him?"

Holding the phone in her hand again, she defended, "Look, things over there were probably more complicated than Angel turning into the Angelus version of Johnnie Cochran."

"It's an evil law firm, Buffy. What's complicated about that?"

Buffy smiled. "Sometimes I forget you're five years younger than me."

"Oh, shut up."



~*~*~*~