Chapter Ten:










Portobello Beach was strange in November. There were many people around, even though it was winter. Buffy had heard a woman commenting to her husband that this was one of the warm winter days, hence the gaggle of people dressed in spring swimsuits. It probably helped that a pale sun fought its way out against the stubborn clouds. Buffy still clutched her jacket, as she wasn't used to a warm winter day by Scotland's standards. Children ran down the beach in their swimsuits, roughly reaching the water but never touching it. Careless teenagers ran to the freezing water and splashed at each other with laughter. Some of their friends stared at them while keeping distant.

The cool sea wind blew gently, bringing a scent that reminded her of the time her father had rented a yacht and they'd gone cruising. Faint sunlight danced on the waves, creating colorful sparkles in the almost deserted sea. She inhaled the refreshing air into her lungs and hoped humidity would stifle the thirst in her chest. Suddenly, she felt something slick slip down her cheek. Her finger rose to touch the tear that opened the way for others to slide down and reach her jaw, and she found herself crying like a lost little girl, not knowing how or why.

She heard the laughter coming from the teenagers on her right, so she quieted her sobs and hiccupped silently without anyone noticing. Something inside disturbed her and forbade her happiness, something she refused to admit to herself. She was drowning in it like a kid drowning in the depth of this sea. The difference was that the drowning kid could scream and wave, asking for help, but she would drown in silence, without anyone noticing, without confiding to anyone. Because she knew that if she did confess, she would ruin everything she was trying to build.

She silently cried for a while until a man selling balloons approached with some children scurrying behind him. "Ma'am, have you got a change for a twenty?"

She gazed at the swaying, colored balloons and the innocent faces of the children, waiting for her rescue. Swallowing one more sob, she stuffed her hand in her pocket. Five pounds. Ten pounds. And, there, another five. She handed them to him silently.

"Thank you, ma'am." He gave her a twenty.

"Thank you," a little, white-haired girl chirped with a huge grin.

Buffy returned her grin with a forced smile.

"It's a nice day," the girl said.

"Warm winter day." Buffy clutched her jacket again.

"Then why are you sad?"

Buffy blinked down at the little girl, unable to form an answer to that.

Another girl nudged her friend and handed her a yellow balloon. "Let's go," she said, and then ran off with the other kids.

The white-haired girl grinned again at Buffy. "Bye." Then she followed her other friends. Buffy gazed at them scurrying away, so happy with their pretty balloons. It was funny how a colored air bag could make a child this excited and cheerful.

The balloon man was about to leave, and she held up her hand to stop him. "Wait, give me that red one."

He stared at her for a second as she offered him a few coins, looking serious. He didn't say anything further when she picked the red balloon. She looked at it and imagined it was her lost heart filled with regrets and sorrows, hoping that by letting it go, she'd be rid of them all. Sighing, she released the balloon and watched it flying up, but even as it disappeared from her sight, she didn't feel free. She still hurt and suffered. Numb and out of place.

"Buffy?"

She glanced over her shoulder at Xander, who walked down the beach with hot mochas. The balloon might have not done a thing to her, but the warm feeling of holding the mocha in her hands made some of the ice inside melt.

"Can you believe the lack of jackets around?" Xander asked with a shiver and adjusted his turtleneck. They were probably the only two on the beach who were dressed.

"Can you believe we decided to go to the beach in the winter?"

Xander laughed. "Yeah, well, we've already established that we're mentally challenged."

"And it was the only place we could go to on foot," she pointed out. Shaking her tidy ponytail with satisfaction, she sipped the hot coffee and enjoyed the warmth spreading through her body.

They walked alongside the seashore, and the breeze sent cold shivers down Buffy’s spine. She inched closer to Xander in an attempt to find some warmth. His arm went around her body and he hugged her to his side. "I still can't believe this is happening," he said with a stunned chuckle.

She looked up at him with a smile. "That hard?"

"Well, you're beautiful, you're strong, you're smart, you're everything good." He grinned widely at her. "And I look like a pirate."

"Handsome pirate."

"It's the modern version of Beauty and the Beast," he went on as if he didn't hear her. "You know, real life version, one without monsters."

"Thank God for that," she whispered and pushed herself further into his embrace, hoping the heat from their physical contact would reach the inside. Thankfully, the clouds started to clear, and the sun shone brightly. The sun was good; monsters feared the sun. Now they could finally enjoy a warm winter day.




~*~*~*~



"You're back early," Renée said when the couple walked inside the apartment. "How was your…" She stopped as her eyes widened in horror at the sight of Buffy helping a limping Xander inside.

"Fun," Xander answered the unfinished question while both Slayers helped him sit on the couch. "In a painful sort of way."

"What happened?" Renée looked at Buffy, troubled.

"We ran into Day Demons."

"What?"

"Demons that lurk in the day. Worst type," Xander gritted out and sank into the couch. Buffy hurried to the bathroom and brought out the first aid kit.

"Shouldn't he be in the hospital?" Renée asked.

"He hates hospitals." Buffy sat on her knees in front of his bleeding leg. Blood had soaked his jeans badly.

"Something we have in common," Xander pointed out, looking down at her with a wink. She gave him a smile in return. He looked at Renée. "Besides, injuries like these? No big. I'm glad I didn't lose another body part."

It didn't take long before Buffy had finished taking care of Xander's wound. She helped him walk into their room, previously Buffy's room, and left him lying on bed. He reached for Andrea, who was gurgling in Renée's arms.

Returning to the living room, Buffy started to clean the mess Xander's wound had caused, and Renée joined her.

"So, how was the beach?"

"It was breezy at first, but then it got warm. I was about to take off my jacket when the demons showed up."

"Sorry about that. Must have ruined your date."

"No big deal. Actually, it was fun. The demons made the day for me." Buffy closed the first aid kit and was about to head to the bathroom.

"And Xander didn't?" Renée asked.

Buffy stopped walking and turned around to face her with a little frown. "Xander didn't what?"

"Make the day for you."

Buffy's mouth opened and closed slightly, and then Renée's features became alarmed. "Sorry, that must've sounded out of place." She was about to leave for the bedroom when Buffy grabbed her arm and stopped her.

She stood in front of Renée and looked at her with a frown. "No, what did you mean?"

Renée bit her lower lip like she wasn't sure if she was supposed to speak her thoughts. "It's just… you seem distant around him. It's like you try hard to be sweet and return the affection he throws your way, but you only do it physically and there's no life there."

Buffy felt something heavy on her throat, so heavy it was about to choke her. She forced her expression to stay solid. She was not going to cry in front of one of her Slayers, not when she was their mentor. She couldn't help the way her hand tightened its hold on Renée's arm, making Renée wince and look extremely regretful that she told Buffy what she thought about her relationship with Xander.

Buffy let go of Renée's arm with a softly muttered, "Sorry."

Renée brushed lightly against the red finger marks on her arm and looked at Buffy with understanding. "I've been there before," she said gently. "And then someone told me about this way, which helped a lot."

Buffy only gazed at the marks she’d left on Renée's arm. She used to think that she’d grown more careful when it came to accidentally hurting those under her charge. She couldn't remember the last time she almost crushed Giles with a hug; it was probably when she was still in college. Had she regressed into a nineteen-year-old all of a sudden, or was she just too scared and inconsolable to focus?

Renée gave a timid smile before pointing at the bedroom. "Think I'm gonna…" she trailed off nervously before stepping forward.

"Can you…" Buffy said suddenly, making Renée stop and look at her with anxiousness, desperate to reach the bedroom and be away from the uncomfortable situation. Buffy nibbled on her lower lip, her face downcast, before she asked weakly, "Can you tell me?"



~*~*~*~



Buffy stared at the blank paper in front of her, her fingers anxiously tried to play with the pencil like Britney Spears did in her first video. After three tries that all ended with the pencil flying over the table, she ended up tapping her nose with it instead. "Okay, Xander Harris in ten words…" she mumbled. "Can't believe I'm doing this…" She frowned and determinedly brought the pencil to the paper.

Funny, because he makes jokes.

Parental, because of the way he is with Andrea.

Dependable, because he can take care of insurance and job applications and all that adult stuff better than I do.

Loyal, because he was by my side from the beginning and he's still here. He never left like the others, and when he did, it was temporary. He always comes back, he sees his life with me, he wants his life to be with me, he doesn't wanna leave m

Buffy blinked at the long paragraph. Renée said it should only be one sentence. She rolled her pencil between her palms and tried to think of something else to describe Xander, something that wasn’t long, something that wouldn’t get her writing mojo going. She ignored that voice in her head that tried to argue that when said writing mojo got going, it only meant that the writer got emotional, and emotion was the point she was doing this for in the first place.

Anyway, words to describe Xander. Renée said they didn't have to be good descriptions. She started writing again.

Silly, because sometimes his jokes can be more silly than funny.

Stubborn, because he can't see that I actual

She stopped writing and her brows furrowed when she considered the sentence she was going to write. That sentence wasn't about Xander. She turned to another page and began writing again.

Idiot, because he thinks he knows me and he doesn't.

Pigheaded, because he insists he knows me and he doesn't.

Mama's Boy, 'cause I kinda sensed that from his motherhood speeches.

Quarrelsome, because whenever we meet we always get in each other's throats.

Rude, 'cause he curses in front of babies.

Gentle, 'cause while he cursed in front of Andrea, he was also sweet with her.

Thoughtful, 'cause he didn't comment on my lousy mothering skills.

She frowned at the change of words, then determinedly wrote,

Coward, because he

She stopped and gazed down at the list. Could she be any more pathetic? She tore the paper from the notebook and crumpled it, throwing it at the trashcan. It hit the rim and bounced off. With a tired sigh, she picked it up and threw it inside.

The whole thing was a dumb idea anyway.



~*~*~*~


Renée had taken Andrea to her apartment in an attempt to give Buffy and Xander a chance for some romance. They ended up doing Xander's idea of a romantic night: popcorn and a movie. Apparently, Buffy wasn't the only one having issues with transforming a long time friendship into a serious boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

The Notebook was Buffy's pick for a movie in the hopes that it would stir something inside them. So far, all they’d done was skip to the steamy scenes, and yet nothing had been stirred, unless they counted the growing feeling of discomfort. Buffy pursed her lips, looking at Xander next to her. He’d barely touched his popcorn or made a move. Where were those fake yawns that guys used to put their arm around the girl? Where were those casual hands accidentally touching the girl's thigh while supposedly reaching for the popcorn? Darn, why was the bowl in Xander's lap?

Okay, so it wasn't a big tragedy. They were in the twenty-first century, right? These days, girls were the ones to initiate the romance as guys waited and blushed.

She fixed her eyes on the screen while her hand moved to the bowl of popcorn –except it was heading to Xander's thigh – and then Buffy's hand ended up on Xander's crotch. Her hand recoiled as if it had just touched fire and she noticed how Xander froze in place, his eye about to pop out in surprise.

"Sorry," she mumbled, flushing fiercely.

"It's okay," Xander said in a croaky voice. "Maybe we should cool it a little. Stop trying too hard."

The moment of embarrassment ended at his comment, and she looked at him in annoyance. "If I was the slightest bit interested in one scene of the movie, I'd have thought that maybe I missed your attempt at seduction. But I wasn't, and you haven't tried hard. You haven't tried at all."

"I did in my head." He rose to defend himself. "I thought about the thigh thing, but the popcorn was in my lap. Then I thought about the yawn thing, but there's a sex scene on TV and it wasn't yawn-worthy boring."

"It doesn’t have to be boring, Xander," she said, irritated.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, each pondering over what to do next. Buffy hated the silence; moreover, she hated that it was so damn difficult. He was her best friend. It should be easy. They had known each other for more than nine years now. They’d never parted for more than three months of summer vacation since the day they had met. They had a baby together. They were living together in an apartment for almost a year. They should be able to jump into a relationship without needing Renée to impart her experience to them. Buffy thought about Renée's idea to write ten words describing a person. She didn't think she wanted Xander to write ten words describing her, because then she would want to read his list, and she wasn't sure that would lead to anything good.

"Let's invent a game," she suggested, turning to look at Xander. They weren’t succeeding because they were relying on old techniques to get things to work. However, as some would say, not every piece of advice could apply to every person. All couples had their unique way of clicking, and Buffy and Xander would click on their own terms. She hoped.


~*~*~*~



The heavy sound of classical tango music filled the air, creating an exotic mood enhanced by the dim light of the candles. The room glowed reddish orange and shadows dominated the place. Buffy couldn't see Xander's face clearly from where she stood, as he was nothing more than a shadow bordered by the faint light of the candles. She started grinding her hips slowly along with the music and watched Xander do the same. Her ruffled skirt swayed from side to side with her slithery movement, and her bangs fell on her face, which made her feel a little sexy.

Suddenly, the music launched into a foot-stepping, light rock-and-roll beat. Buffy quickened her hip-shaking along with the catchy beat and noted Xander doing that as well. Feeling the music driving her movements, she started shaking her shoulders rhythmically with her hips, and then she started to spin around forward until she smacked against Xander's body.

They recovered hastily, and then clasped their hands together. With serious expressions, they gazed at each other, keeping the embrace quite open. Buffy, taking the lead, elegantly stepped forward with her right foot, and glared at Xander when he mimicked her. "You're supposed to do the opposite," she hissed. Xander withdrew his leg abruptly. Their hands parted at his sudden reaction, which left Buffy placing them on her hips, looking at him, unimpressed. He grinned apologetically, and she rolled her eyes.

Going back to the dance, Buffy spun once, and he caught her by the hip as she leaned back, one hand holding his shoulder while the other fisted his own. She leaned too far backward, and they clumsily dropped to the floor, ruining the dance and the 'sexy' atmosphere. They lay on top of each other for a few seconds while Shakira continued to sing on the stereo, and then both their bodies shook slightly before they burst into a gale of laughter.

Buffy sat up and looked at him, giggling uncontrollably, and pointing a trembling finger at him. "You should've seen yourself… with the hip-shaking. So ridiculous."

Xander pushed her shoulder playfully. "Me? What about you, Miss Shake-Your-Boobies?"

She punched his arm. "That's how they dance." She giggled some more when he tentatively rubbed on his stinging arm, and then got up to turn on the lights.

Adjusting her gaze to the sudden brightness, she turned around and looked at his outfit thoroughly. He was wearing a white shirt that was unbuttoned from the middle up and black slacks. As for her, she was wearing a tight, black tank top and the smoky red skirt she'd gotten for her birthday from Matilda, which she'd never thought she'd use. Once their gazes met, they laughed again at their appearances.

"Frankly, that wasn't the reaction I was looking for," Xander said between chuckles.

"But it was fun," Buffy said. "I almost regret mocking Dawn for saving her pop music CDs from Sunnydale."

Xander's lips twisted up at the corners. "Says the girl who couldn't part with her stuffed pig."

"Don't mock Mr. Gordo." She pointed a threatening finger at him, and then she leaned against the wall and mumbled, "Guy who saves his Batman meets Superman comics."

"Rubber meets spandex. How could I not save them?" Xander exclaimed defensively.

Buffy arched an eyebrow, opened her mouth, closed it, and then shook her head. "I won't even go there."

Xander looked desperately at the two boxes lying on the table. "Can we get to the next request, please?"

Buffy threw the paper with Xander's latest request in the trashcan. She brought the box with her requests closer to him. "Your turn." They had been drawing scenes out of a hat for half an hour now to try to arouse the other, but the requests had the tendency to be more amusing than stimulating in execution.

Xander looked carefully at the folded papers in the box. "Not sure I'd dare, especially after the last one." He gave her a glare, and she let out a small laugh when she remembered his awkward striptease. He had complained that if he was going to strip, she could at least put on some music, but her rules were no music, and the drapes must not be shut. The sad part was that he'd chickened out before he'd even taken his pants off. He'd whined about someone from the next building ogling him from their window, which Buffy doubted was true, but she'd let him get away with it in the end.

She smirked when Xander's hand shook slightly as he chose a paper, and hoped he would pick the role playing one. She was looking forward to seeing how he would play Christian Bale. With one last doubtful glance at her, Xander unfolded it and read aloud, "Sing 'Hot Patootie, Bless My Soul' while seducing me." He raised both eyebrows at her, and she shrugged. She leaned back against the couch and leered at him, waiting.

Xander looked down at the written words again with hesitation. At first, Buffy assumed his hesitation was because he didn't remember the lyrics but dismissed that thought quickly. It hadn't been long since they had watched The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and each of them had impressed the other with how well they knew the words to the songs. When Xander started to move slowly toward her with so much apprehension, she realized that memorizing the lyrics wasn't the issue. Xander was taking this seriously; it wasn't about silly fun anymore. This was serious fun, which included serious flirting and sex. Buffy's heartbeat started to go faster, and she fought the urge to nibble on her lips. She didn't want to appear nervous, especially when Xander looked like he was about to faint. This was it, the moment they'd been dreading, and she would not screw it up.

Xander was right in front of her now, his face too boyish and his breath too hot. His hands shook a little as they cupped her breasts. "Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n' roll," he sang weakly, while his hands messaged her breasts clumsily. His extreme anxiety filled her with a sudden feeling of frustration. The whole thing was ridiculous. They’d already had sex once, and it wasn't like they were still insecure teenagers.

She lowered her gaze to the hand messaging her breast. "Wow. That feels so sexy," she said in what she hoped was a teasing tone.

He drew his hand away and rubbed the bridge of his nose unconsciously. "Sorry about that," he mumbled, a little upset.

Buffy smiled sympathetically. Perhaps it wasn't as easy as she'd thought, and they probably needed more time to adjust to the change in their relationship. "Maybe we should call it quits for the night and order some pizza." She rested her head back and closed her eyes, yearning for a long, warm bath.

All of a sudden, she felt her legs being pulled forward. Her head slipped from the couch and hit the floor. She gasped in shock, her eyes meeting Xander's. "Whatever happened to Saturday ni-iiiiight," he sang, tilting his head to the right and making Buffy bite her lower lip in unexpected excitement. "When you dressed up sharp and you felt all right? It don't seem the same since cosmic light. Came into my life, I thought I was divine..." His mouth trailed across her shoulder and neck, and she gasped when she felt his warm lips moving boldly against her skin, impressed and thrilled by his newfound confidence.

"I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go. And listen to the music on the radio." Buffy gasped more when Xander's lips went to her ear, enjoying the way he was swallowing some of the letters in the words, trying to imitate the way the song was sung. His chest rubbed hers in light ticklish waves that had her unpredictably hot and bothered. "A saxophone was blowin' on a rock & roll show. You climbed in the back seat, really had a good ti…"

She grabbed his head and kissed him hard, the next words of the song dying inside her mouth. His hands held her body to his chest tightly, and they rolled on the floor, lost in passionate kissing.


~*~*~*~


Buffy opened her eyes and felt a small smile tug at her lips. The smile grew bigger when she heard Xander's heavy breathing. She turned to the side and rested her head on her elbow, gazing at him. He cast a fleeting look her way and smiled as well, still breathing heavily.

That was the second time they had sex and it expectedly felt like the first, for obvious reasons. Having Xander's body on hers for the first time, there was a taboo feeling about it. She was a little embarrassed when Xander's eye sparkled as he looked over her naked body. The transformation from friend to boyfriend hadn't yet registered in her brain. It was when he was inside her that the person on top of her wasn't just Xander. He was someone entirely new. It scared and thrilled her at the same time.

The sex was… different from what she'd had before. It was sweet, safe, and it was with her long time best friend. She never had sex with a guy who had always been just a friend. Once, Faith had approached her with the subject of having sex with Xander, and it had wigged her completely. She used to think it would be weird and terrible. But the truth was that she actually enjoyed it. It had been a new experience, an interesting one.

"So, how'd you liked my deep masculine voice?" he whispered seductively.

She pressed her lips together and narrowed one eye in a way that said his voice was so-and-so.

"C'mon," he defended. "I thought I pulled a Barry White rock & roll style."

"Sounded more like Blossom Dearie." Buffy's eyes sparkled in humor.

"She's got her fans, doesn't she?" he replied with a grin and then stood up. "Gonna start the shower." She still blushed and looked away without thinking when her vision was suddenly met with his naked body.

She looked up the second Xander grabbed his robe and slipped it on. He winked at her and nodded outside the room.

"I'll follow you in a minute," she said, still smiling.

Her smile didn't last long, slowly slipped away when he disappeared outside. She opened her drawer and pulled out a folded piece of paper. Unfolding it, she gave the open door a momentary look before gazing down at the paper.

Xander Harris in ten words,

Funny, because he's the only one making me laugh lately.

Brave, because his lack of powers never stopped him from helping save the world.

Endearing, because he's goofy.

Strong, because strength isn't always about the physical.

Loyal, because he never left.

Smart, because only those who don't know him think otherwise.

Chandler Bing, doesn't really need a because.

Protective, because he doesn't like to see me get hurt.

Passionate, especially when it's about me.

Best friend, because that's just how I see him.

Her eyes lingered at the last line, and then she sighed before crumpling the paper and tossing it in the trashcan, where it sat along with its other crumpled friends. She flung the bed sheet away, walked to her closet and snatched up her robe.



~*~*~*~