“I got you blood,” Buffy said quietly, holding out a mug to Angel.

He took it from her hastily. “You didn’t need to do that,” he muttered. “You shouldn’t have to…see this stuff.”

Buffy flashed back to a night in Pennsylvania, tearing off the head of a demon with her bare hands. She wasn’t the soft little girl Angel had known.

But all she said was, “I don’t mind.”

Angel looked away from her. “I’ll just go downstairs. It’s getting late, anyway. I should get some sleep.”

She sighed in relief when he was finally gone. Things were so awkward between them that she wanted to scream. They’d both changed so much over the years. Both had been in isolation and their own kind of hell, but hell had molded each one differently. What little excitement she’d had at seeing him again had died after she’d kissed him, and now she just felt empty. At first, she’d been able to avoid him by insisting that she needed to study for her upcoming GED test, but once she’d taken the exam the day before, she’d run out of excuses.

It came as a welcome surprise when there was a knock at the door, and she jumped at the prospect of a guest. It couldn’t be Spike, not when the sun was shining high in the morning sky, but maybe it was Tara, or Anya, or…

Xander smiled weakly out at her from where he was framed in the doorway. “Hey, Buffy. Can we talk?”

~

“You need to come back,” he said as soon as she’d seated him in the kitchen.

She shook her head. “You guys never wanted me to come home, except for Giles, and he’s gone now. I’ll probably even leave Sunnydale with Angel.”

“Angel?” Xander echoed with distaste. “Why would you choose him over Spike?”

“You really are in love with Spike,” Buffy said dryly, her heart aching at the sound of his name. She tried not to think of him. She’d been selfish, and interfered with his life, and all she’d done was hurt him.

Xander rolled his eyes. “I’m serious, Buffy. Why would you throw away everything you’ve built here? Again?”

“I haven’t built anything!” Buffy argued. “Since I’ve gotten here, all I’ve done is destroy things. Faith’s in pieces because of me, and I know that Willow doesn’t want me around. I forced Dawn to keep secrets from Faith, destroyed Spike and Faith’s relationship, and Tara went through a lot of pain, thanks to me. I’ve ruined everything that you’ve all built, and maybe you’re better off without me!”

Xander held up a hand. “It’s not like that at all, and you know it. You helped Tara when the rest of us were too dependent on Willow’s friendship to interfere.” He looked down. “We were idiots. It wasn’t fair of us to stop you from doing it, and I’m glad you didn’t listen to me. You did the right thing, Buffy.”

She met his eyes again, and her heart swelled at what she saw in his eyes. Pride in her, something she hadn’t seen in so long from any of her friends, not since she’d been a slayer beating down monsters every night while her loyal friends looked on from the sidelines. “Xander?”

He went on, giving her a half-smile. “Willow’s issues are Willow’s issues, and definitely not your problem. No one blames you for that. And Spike?” His eyes warmed. “I haven’t seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you. Not ever. And if you told him that you thought you’d hurt him with your presence, he’d probably laugh in your face.”

Buffy bit her lip. “I kissed Angel.”

Whatever Xander had been expecting, it clearly wasn’t that. “What?”

“When I first saw him. I kissed him. It was stupid.” She closed her eyes, unwilling to see the disappointment on Xander’s face. “I’m pretty sure Spike saw.”

“So that’s why he’s been in a foul mood,” Xander mused. He shrugged. “Of course you kissed him, Buffy! The guy’s death scarred you so much that you ran away for three years. No one would blame you for doing that.” He scratched the side of his head. “I’ll be honest. I came here worried that you’d released Angelus again.”

Buffy opened her mouth to protest, but Xander cut her off before she could say a word. “Obviously, if you’re feeling guilty for a kiss, you haven’t done anything extreme. But you can’t blame me for checking.” He gave her a sheepish look. “Right?”

Buffy sighed. “I guess.” It bothered her that Xander didn’t trust her enough to stay away from Angel, but she couldn’t be upset with him. Not for his caution. Not after everything that had happened.

“So are you coming back?” Xander asked hopefully. “The wedding’s next week, and Anya’s guests are coming in now. Faith has her hands full trying to keep demons she’s not allowed to kill from devouring all the humans in their paths.”

“Faith won’t want to work with me,” Buffy pointed out.

“True,” Xander agreed. “She’s still annoyed that even though you’re not with Spike, he won’t go near her.”

She felt a flash of hope that she had no business feeling. “Really?”

Xander watched her with sharp eyes that saw far too much. “He still loves you,” he said quietly. “But he has his pride. He’s not going to come groveling to you.”

Buffy stood, effectively ending the conversation. “Tell him I’m leaving,” she said softly. “He doesn’t need…he shouldn’t wait for me.”

Xander’s eyes narrowed. “You haven’t heard a word I’ve said, have you?”

“I did!” Buffy protested. “But-“

“But you’re taking the easy way out,” Xander finished. “You’re still going to run. Again.” He turned to the door. “That’s no way to live, Buffy.”

She watched him go, feeling unaccountably guilty at the sudden slump in his step. Maybe he’s right. Maybe they do need me.

--

Tara and Anya were the next ones to come, just after sunset that night. Buffy was surprised to see them together. She knew that they spent a lot of time together at the Magic Box, but she hadn’t thought that they were friends, not when they were just so different.

When Angel heard the chatter of girls- or rather just Anya’s cheerful voice- he excused himself to the basement again. Buffy wondered what he did down there all the time. Once, she’d peeked down and seen him doing slow exercises, but he couldn’t possibly spend all his time doing that. She made a face, reminding herself of how much broodier he’d gotten since his foray in hell. Yes, he could.

“Hi!” she said cheerfully, surprised to find that she didn’t have to fake her happiness at seeing them. She’d missed her friends, more than she’d suspected, and it felt almost natural to have them visiting her at home.

“Hello!” Anya’s grin matched hers, and even Tara smiled softly as she murmured her greetings.

“So where is he?” Anya demanded, setting down the large paper bag she was holding and poking her head into the kitchen curiously.

“Angel?”

“The man who’d make you give up the best sex on Earth,” Anya said frankly.

Buffy gaped at her, noticing from the corner of her eye that Tara was smirking. Tara. Smirking? Being away from Willow had really done wonders for Tara. “I didn’t- it wasn’t because of him…”

“Xander says that you’re not having sex with him,” Anya informed her. “Spike didn’t really understand that, when Xander told him. He’s been passed out on the couch for the last day, since Faith made Xander remove him from Willy’s last night.”

“Passed out?” Buffy echoed, suddenly concerned. “Is he alright?”

“He’s drunk,” the ex-demon explained. “That’s how he deals with breakups. Hallie keeps trying to get him to make a wish against you, but we’ve been keeping her away from him.” She frowned. “Usually, she works with neglected children, but she insists that she owes Spike one. Something about a party, and Dru…”

“Hallie?” Buffy repeated. She was only listening with half an ear, still stuck on what Anya had said about Spike.

“Vengeance Demon,” Tara supplied. “He misses you, Buffy.”

“The Vengeance Demon?”

“Buffy…” Tara murmured.

She swallowed. “Right. I get it. I…I miss him, too,” she admitted. “So much it hurts.”

“Then go to him,” Anya said, folding her arms.

Tara ignored her. “Are you happy?” she asked, her gaze intent on Buffy.

Buffy considered for a moment. She should have been. Angel was back, she was far away from Faith’s hostility, free to do whatever she wanted… And yet, everything was awkward between her and her onetime lover, and she spent a lot more time moping over her lost vampire- the unsouled one- and all the friends she missed. Hell, she even missed Faith a little. They’d had some good times, once they’d started getting along, and despite the competition and shared feelings for Spike, they had almost been building a kind of friendship.

Worst of all, though, was the pain of knowing that she’d hurt Spike, and that she couldn’t go to him for guidance, or friendship, or even the love he’d given her. It was that horrible week after seeing the Faith and Spike show all over again, only this time, she knew what she’d lost, and it hurt that much more. For the first time in her life, she’d found herself bringing herself off in the shower or in bed, thinking of the bleach blond and what he could do to her. But it wasn’t just his hands or tongue or body that she craved and that left her needy. It was the devotion in his eyes when he was within her, the soft timbre of his voice as he murmured in her ear, the shared exhilaration between them as they fought together…

Maybe this path was easier. Maybe running away would make everything simpler. Maybe this way, she could avoid being sad, but she certainly wasn’t facilitating her own happiness.

“But you’re taking the easy way out. You’re still going to run. Again. That’s no way to live, Buffy.”

But she forced a smile and turned back to Tara. “I’m fine.”

~

“It’s getting late,” Anya remarked, glancing at her watch. “Xander wants to take me out tonight, so I’d better go.”

“I guess I’m on Spike duty, then?” Tara asked, grinning.

Anya nodded. “Faith doesn’t want him wrecking Willy’s again. Just keep him well-nourished and make sure he doesn’t break anything. Oh! And keep Hallie away from him,” she instructed.

“Got it.”

For a moment, Buffy wanted to apologize for what was happening to Spike. But a sympathetic glance from Tara stopped her.

“We don’t blame you,” Tara said gently. “Not for breaking Spike’s heart. That’s between you and him, and we don’t choose sides between friends.”

“So you don’t think I’m doing the wrong thing?” Buffy asked hopefully.

“Of course she does,” Anya said archly. “We both do. But friends put up with other friends’ mistakes, right?” The other two girls beamed at each other. “So we’ll support you no matter what!”

They headed for the door, and Buffy lifted the bag that Anya had left by the door. “Don’t forget this.”

Anya gave her a strange look. “That’s yours.”

Buffy peeked into the bag. “Sorry, Ahn, but I don’t think I own anything in quite that shade of green.”

“No, it’s for the wedding,” Anya explained, looking suddenly concerned. “You are going to be a bridesmaid, right? Because you were one of the only people who really helped with the preparations, and I like you.”

Buffy stared at her in shock. She remembered a few offhand comments from Anya about her role in the wedding party, but she hadn’t thought that Anya would really make her a bridesmaid, not when Willow and Faith would be there, and Spike…

“You’re coming, aren’t you?” Anya checked. “I’ve already done the seating, and the amount of people in the wedding party, and everything’s set up-“

“Relax, Anya.” Buffy put a hand on the shoulder of the panicking girl. “Of course I’ll be your bridesmaid.”

“Great!” Anya bounced right back to her previous excitement. “Don’t forget about the rehearsal! The wedding’s on Sunday, so come over Sunday morning and we can get ready.”

The two girls waved goodbye, and ran down the walk together.

Buffy shut the door, still holding the bag with the dress and smiling to herself, touched.

--

Friday afternoon, she returned from her class to find Dawn slouching on the living room couch, watching Angel sullenly as he watched her uncomfortably from the corner.

“She just got here,” Angel said apologetically when he saw her come in. “I told her you’d be here soon.”

“Thanks,” she said, smiling tentatively at him. He hadn’t been pushing her to talk to him, either, and she was grateful. Consciously, she knew that he was probably still wracked with guilt for all he’d done as Angelus, and she should probably assure him that she didn’t hold it against him, but a selfish little part of her was too relieved that he hadn’t tried to resume their relationship that she couldn’t bring herself to bring it up in the first place.

He hung around in the kitchen while she spoke to Dawn, heating up his blood in their newly working microwave. Somehow, Angel had gotten the power and electricity turned on again with just a few phone calls. Buffy certainly wasn’t complaining.

“Hey, Dawnie.”

Dawn scowled at her. “You’re a bitch.”

“So you’ve told me,” she said agreeably.

“Make Spike right again!” she demanded, her eyes flashing as she rose to her full height, sadly an inch or two above Buffy. “Now!”

The door slammed behind her, leaving a very bemused Buffy standing alone in the living room.

Angel poked his head out of the kitchen. “Mind telling me what’s going on with you and Spike?”