Spike confronted me about Angel and I freaked, I didn't know what to do so I got defensive. I could hear him now, upstairs packing for what felt like the millionth time since we said 'I do.' We'd fight and he'd start to leave, I'm always scared that it might be real, that he's not just going to go out and steam off. I love him so much and I'm afraid he'll leave like every other man I've loved has. But of course he always steamed off, and he'd come back in and apologize for making me worry. I never wanted him to apologize, never asked, but he would all the same. I knew he wasn't the one blame for our fights, not for the most part. I was the one who should've asked for forgiveness, I was the one to start the bulk of our fights.

I was so afraid he wasn’t going to steam off this time. He would have been able to forgive me if only I had told him the whole story, but instead I threw insults.

Can you forgive me again?

I don't know what I said

But I didn't mean to hurt you

I couldn't move, not through the numbing pain. From my seat on the couch I could see Spike walk out the door, closing it behind him. He didn't even look back at me. I didn't blame him. If he had done what I did I wouldn’t be able to look him. If only I had told him what happened instead of opening old wounds. Bring up the worst fight of our marriage.

I heard the words coming out

And felt that I would die

It hurt so much to hurt you

I got up stiffly and headed to our bedroom. I heard him gun his jeep; he was leaving me. I screwed up.

He had been so upset when he asked me about it. After I got defensive he knew it was true. He yelled and hit things, tears pooled in his pain glazed blue eyes. I caused that pain, and then I hurt him even more. I accused him of having an affair with Faith. I knew it was stupid, he would never cheat. He got real quiet after that, but I wanted him to yell, or to hit something. I wanted to know that I didn't break him. But I did. I could see it in his face.

Then you look at me

You're not shouting anymore

You're silently broken

We had fought over that once before. He stormed out, spending the night on Dawn and Xander's couch. I knew then that he wasn't cheating, but I was jealous of how he acted around Faith. He was like he used to be. Throwing barbs and teasing, he stopped doing that with me, he wasn't Spike anymore. I knew I had done that, chipped away at the man he was until he wasn't him anymore. I would give anything to redo that night with Angel. Hell I'd do anything to redo the last two hours.

I'd give anything now

To kill those words for you

I laid down on our bed, hugging William to my chest.

William was a dirty blonde bear Spike gave me for our first anniversary. I had gotten home from shopping with Dawn and all the lights had been out, candles were everywhere. Rose petals led the way to our room and blanketed the bed. And standing in a suit with a dozen roses and my teddy bear was Spike with Wind beneath my wings playing in the background. We made love the whole night through, touching and loving each other's bodies. When I mentioned that I liked my bear the next day, he told me he got it so I would have something to hold at night if he was off fighting.

I held him tight, tears soaking him. I knew I couldn't live without Spike. He's my one true love.

Each time I say something I regret I cry 'I don't want to lose you'

But somehow I know you will never leave me, yeah

He always looked for occasions to shower me with love and gifts. He used Harbor day as a reason last year. I pulled his pillow over to me and buried my face into it. God, I knew that I couldn't go on without him. Just waking up in his arms made me happier than I ever had been in my life, Slayer or not.

'Cause you were made for me

Somehow I'll make you see

How happy you make me

I didn't plan on sleeping with Angel, it was a mistake. Had I been in my right mind I would have kicked him in his ass instead.

The memory of that night wasn’t clear, and I had avoided thinking about it at all costs. I had been out drinking with Willow. Spike was gone and I was sad and lonely. Willow found some cute blonde, and with my go ahead, went home with the blonde. I drank my way through a bottle of JD. I hated the stuff, but it was what Spike drank, and it made me feel closer to him.

Angel showed up and offered to drive my drunken ass home. At that point I could barely walk, so I agreed. He got me home and into my bed. He hit on me, but I turn him down. Then the lies about Spike came. He said things like Spike had told him the he didn't love me anymore, that he only stayed because he didn't want to hurt me. He then told me that he anchored in his soul. I was really drunk and I believed what he said about Spike. I spent some indiscernible amount of time crying on his shoulder. Before I knew what was happening I was on my back with Angel kissing me. I didn't know what to do, so I kissed him back, thinking that maybe it would take some of the pain away. I didn't notice when he stripped us both, then suddenly he was in me. I was surprised, but my senses had been too dulled to reason. I guess it could be called rape, since I never agreed. Or I could say it wasn’t my fault, he took advantage of my intoxication.

I can't live this life

Without you by my side

I need you to survive

I know that I fucked up by hiding it from Spike. That I shouldn't have cleaned Angel's scent off of everything and lied. I shouldn't have just pretended everything was fine. I was surprised Spike hadn't figured it out sooner. After the incident I started acting extra sweet, super loving. Not that I'm a cold bitch, but I do have a temper, and sometimes it would get the best of me.

I clung to the pillow and bear. I should have gone after him, should have begged him to forgive me. Or at least have told him about what happened. I wanted nothing more than to have his arms ready for me to crawl into.

So stay with me

You look into my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry

My cell buzzed as I got a text. I jumped for it, hoping it was Spike. It was. It said that I shouldn't worry about him, that he was at Andrew's. It also said that he wanted to meet with me tomorrow night. That we had things to talk out, and that if we were to stay together that I should tell him everything. He set the time and place. Andrew's at midnight.

And you forgive me again

You my one true friend

And I never meant to hurt you

I cried in relief. I hadn't blown it, not completely. I still had a chance to get him back, to show my husband that I wanted only him. He was it for me; I would never love another man. I was stupid to hurt him like I did. My bitchiness was what I hid behind. He was the only one to knock that wall down, and it seemed I would just keep rebuilding it. Not this time, I wasn’t going to hide behind anything anymore.

I replied to him, telling him that I would meet him, and that I was sorry. I ended it with I love you. He wrote back ’goodnight.’