Kindred Series

Kindred: (noun) A group of related persons, such as a family, clan, or tribe.
(adj.) Having a similar or related origin or nature.






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BOOK ONE
JOURNALS & JOURNEYS
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Chapter One
Emotions Unveiled

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Giles looked up as a shadow fell across the text he was reading. Buffy sat down across from him and returned his questioning stare with a sad shake of her head. He sighed and looked down at the tabletop covered with texts and scrolls, most of which had yet to be deciphered. Buffy knew even before she asked that Giles had not made any more progress than she had toward curing Willow, but she asked anyway. Giles shook his head and they sat there in silence for several minutes. Anya stuck her head in to let Giles know she was stepping out to pick up lunch. “Did you want to join us, Buffy? We’re eating Szechuan today.” Buffy demurred and Anya headed out with a smile and a wave. Sure hope Giles comes up with a cure for Willow soon. We just re-opened not too long ago and it can’t be good for business for customers to walk in and see those two mopey-butts minding the shop. Anya decided to pick up the pace a little bit so she could get back sooner.

Buffy stared at her hands for several minutes before addressing Giles again. “Giles, I need to ask you something and I need you to be honest with me, okay?” He nodded and she went on in a rush. “Do we really have any hope left of curing Willow?” There was such despair in her voice that Giles looked at her sharply. Buffy looked down and took a moment to compose her thoughts before continuing. “When you first started this research, you were looking for a way to block Willow from being able to access powerful magick like that again to prevent her from hurting herself or anyone else. Then she ended up in the hospital and you broadened the search to include anything that might restore her awareness. It’s been 5 months now and you haven’t found anything even remotely close to what we’re looking for. Meanwhile, Willow is laying in that hospital wasting away bit by bit. She’s practically a skeleton now. She’s lost so much weight. Her face is all drawn and sunken in, and her hair is dry and brittle. Her skin is pale and waxy and sometimes I swear she isn’t breathing. When I look into those unseeing eyes of hers, I find myself thinking she’s already dead, you know.”

Buffy paused to take a deep breath before continuing. Giles was watching her closely and listening intently to everything she said. “The first time I saw Willow after Xander stopped her from…you know…I was so angry at her. Then when she woke up and wouldn’t respond to us, I became concerned about her health – both emotionally and physically. Before the doctors transferred her to the asylum, I was never alone when I saw her. I was always with you or Dawn or Xander or even one of her doctors. But since I started visiting her at the asylum, it’s just been me and her – no one else to act as a buffer. The doctors all tell me to talk to her, because we don’t know what she can hear.” She paused for another moment and Giles calmly waited for her to continue. He knew this wasn’t easy for her. Buffy had never opened up easily and other than Xander, Buffy was the most affected by what Willow did and the aftermath of her actions. Unlike Xander though, Buffy hadn’t talked to any of them about her feelings. She still kept too much inside her, although he had to admit that she was making advances in that area. He reached over and covered her clasped hands with one of his own. She smiled gratefully at him, took a deep breath and resumed her tale.

“The first time I went to see her at the asylum, I wasn’t able to say anything more than hello to her. Other than that I just sat there and stared at her. I was still so angry with her. And for the longest time I couldn’t even admit that to myself – that I was angry and hurt by what she did. I kept thinking that I needed to be a good friend and try to be there for her, but all this stuff was billowing up inside of me. And one day it just burst out while I was visiting her. I started yelling at her and I really let it all out. I didn’t hold anything back at all. When I was done, I cried and cried, but I felt better – kind of hollowed out though. She never responded during this – no facial twitches or anything at all to indicate she heard me, but I felt like she did. After that, anger was gone and only love and concern were left. Since then I’ve been visiting her on a regular basis, so I know that she’s been getting worse because I see the changes when I go to visit her. The pity I used to feel when I looked at her has been replaced by pain at what I see…pain because what used to be is no more...and I fear never will be again.”

Giles started to speak when this pause drew out, but stopped himself. Better to let her get this out in her own way and in her own time. The minutes stretched out and still Buffy did not speak. She seemed to be steeling herself up for what came next. Finally she looked up with tears in her eyes and said, “I think Willow is dying, Giles.” That statement released the tears she had been holding back and they flowed freely. Buffy buried her face in her hands until Giles was suddenly holding her tight against him, and she buried her face in his chest instead letting her grief out. Neither or them noticed the silent figure watching them from the rebuilt training room. He had come in the back door a few minutes before that and had heard enough to catch the gist of what had been going on. He moved with stealth and grace as he backed further into the shadows where no one would notice him. Few would have seen him passing them by, so quiet was he. It was no wonder that he went unnoticed by the two figures indulging their grief and pain. He stood behind the training room door and listened, as Buffy continued to sob brokenly. Finally the sobs tapered off somewhat and he could hear her blowing her nose.

After going through several tissues, she smiled apologetically at Giles who waved her off and they sat back down at the table. Giles pulled his chair closer in case another cry should be in order and motioned for her to continue when she was ready. That small but thoughtful gesture almost sent Buffy into another gale of tears, but she managed to reign herself in again. She needed to compose herself enough to finish what she had started out to say. It took a few minutes of deep breathing, but she was finally able to continue.

“Okay. Ever since I let go of all my anger toward Willow, I’ve always been able to sense her during my visits. Not so much in her actual body or personality or anything – more like an energy or a presence in the room with me – like a small current of electricity in the air – the kind that sets all the little hairs on your arm on end. Well, I started thinking that maybe she was going to get better after that, but nothing changed in her condition. Then these past few times I’ve been there…I can tell a difference.” She paused briefly.

“What kind of difference, Buffy?” Giles asked gently.

“You know when you’re in the car driving and you’re listening to the radio, how the station starts to fade as you move farther out of range? Well, that’s a bit what this is like – the signal is starting to fade. I can barely feel her when I’m there. And her eyes are changing, too.”

“Changing? What do you mean by changing? And be precise.” Giles tone was almost sharp and Buffy looked up in surprise at that.

“Uh. They’re kind of fading, too. The color seems lighter, paler almost, and her pupils seem smaller somehow. Why, Giles? Does that mean something?” Buffy questioned anxiously, not really sure she wanted to hear an answer to that.

Giles was quiet for a moment. Then he looked directly at Buffy and replied, “I honestly don’t know, Buffy. This may be perfectly normal for someone in Willow’s physical state to experience. It might be a side effect of the events a few months ago. I don’t know, but I promise you that we’ll find out. I haven’t given up hope on Willow’s recovery yet and I don’t want you to do so either. Understood?”

Buffy hesitated a moment, then looked up with a wan smile and nodded. “Can I borrow the phone, Giles? I want to call the bank and see if I can make an appointment with the loan officer about the house.”

Giles looked concerned upon hearing this, but he chose not to pry at the moment. He knew she would tell him her financial woes when she was ready and not before, but by then they might be too far gone for him to help. His slayer was fiercely proud and independent, and it wasn’t easy for her to ask for help. But he didn’t want Buffy and Dawn out on the streets before she was willing to speak up and feared that possibility. Admitting that out loud in front of him was something, and he decided to take that as a sign she would be open to talking about it. For now though, he simply nodded and let Buffy make her call.

After she hung up the phone, he asked if everything was okay financially. Buffy started to nod dismissively as she usually did, but then sat down and shared with him instead. “Dawn and I are getting by okay, but money is still very tight. I’ve been at the Doublemeat Palace for several months now, so I thought I might try to re-finance the house. Everyone’s always going on about how great interest rates are right now, and I thought that if I can reduce that bill some it would make things a lot easier on us. And don’t look at me like that, Giles. I don’t want to take your hard-earned money, so don’t even offer, okay?”

“Buffy, you know I only want to help. I appreciate that you want to do this on your own, but you know I’m here if you need anything, right?”

“I know, Giles. And thank you. That means a lot to me. On another topic totally though, would it be all right if we skipped training this afternoon? The loan officer can meet with me tomorrow and I have to work tonight. That gives me just enough time to get the papers together that I’ll need and still spend some time with Dawn before I have to change for work. I promise I’ll put in an extra hour training tomorrow after my meeting with the money man. Pleeease, Giles.” Buffy wheedled with a hint of a real smile.

Giles smiled himself in reply. He never could resist her when she cajoled him like that. “Of course, Buffy. How is Dawn doing these days? Still making the daily sojourn to Spike’s crypt?”

The figure in the training room straightened up at those words. Although his hearing was excellent – better than most, in fact – he leaned closer. He didn’t want to miss a word of this.

“Yeah. Dawn doesn’t give up very easily, I’m afraid. She stops by every day after school and goes by on weekends also. I think she’s grown really fond of Clem. They watch Jeopardy together now.” Giles had to smile at that unlikely image. “But I know she’s disappointed every time that she stops by and Spike isn’t there. She’s convinced that Spike’ll be back any day now. So sure of it that she’s been taping Passions for him, just in case he hasn’t been able to catch it where ever he is. You ought to see the stack of tapes she has for him. I don’t think she’s missed a single episode.” Buffy smiled ruefully to herself. “I’d like to say that Dawn’s being unrealistic, but if that’s so, then how come I also stop by there every night while I’m on patrol?”

Giles looked at Buffy understandingly, but she wouldn’t look him in the eye just yet. After a pause, she continued.

“At first, I told myself that I was doing it for Dawn. Then it was because Clem was staying there and he’s so gentle and there are still demons stopping by occasionally who want to fight Spike. Clem would never survive that. So, I told myself that he needed me to stop by and check on him. But the other night, this ugly old demon stopped by while I was there and started saying all these things about how Spike was never coming back and he was claiming both the crypt and the cemetery as his own. I got so angry that I couldn’t see straight. I reacted without even thinking about it. Took that demon out in the blink of an eye.” She shook her head remembering. “And not because he was a threat. Oh, no. I took him out because he had the nerve to say that Spike was never coming back. That’s why I killed him. What the hell is wrong with me anyway?” she demanded looking totally bewildered.

“Buffy, has it ever occurred to you that maybe you miss Spike? Now, before you say anything, hear me out. When I went back to England earlier this year, I spent a great deal of time journaling about my stint as your Watcher and not just a few of the extraordinary things we’ve encountered these past few years. And we have definitely seen many things that are unexplainable, that shouldn’t be, wouldn’t you agree?” Buffy nodded, wondering where he was going with this. “Anyway, of all the unusual things we’ve seen, all the impossible occurrences, etcetera… the strangest anomaly of all, the one thing I found it impossible to explain away, the one I struggled hardest to understand, and couldn’t… was Spike.” Buffy looked up in complete shock at that statement.

“Don’t look so amazed, Buffy. Think about it. Here you have a soulless vampire who has fed off the blood of innocent humans for over 100 years. During this time he also remained loyal to his sire, Drusilla, and cared for her when she was ill. He comes to Sunnydale where as you know Angelus made an appearance after Drusilla had been healed. Betrayed by his love and his grandsire, he turned to you for an unlikely alliance to stop them from ending the world. He leaves vowing never to return. By a strange twist of fortune, he does return and has a chip implanted in his head that prevents him from harming humans, effectively neutering him. In desperation, he turns to his natural enemy – the Slayer and her friends – for help and begins to form another alliance of sorts. Now, I know that he definitely strayed back and forth for a while there, switching sides on more than one occasion, giving us all reason to doubt his motives, but in the end…he proved himself worthy of at least a small modicum of trust. Unfortunately, his feelings for you came to light and he handled that situation in what can only be deemed as a less than acceptable manner. We all reacted with the assumption that he had done everything up to that point with the ulterior motive of getting in your good graces. And quite possibly we were correct… but there’s also the distinct possibility that we misjudged him, I think.”

Giles paused a moment to let his words sink in. Buffy hadn’t said anything yet, but she appeared to be listening closely. Giles wanted to make sure she was paying attention before he continued. It was time that she dealt with this issue and Giles felt that this could be very important to her future. To all of their futures, for that matter, but he doubted any of them had even the tiniest suspicion of that yet. But then again, he had only started to suspect the truth himself a short time ago. The scroll he had discovered in London had raised all sorts of interesting questions and possible answers, but before he had a chance to really pursue the matter, the crisis with Willow had come up and he had returned immediately to live full-time in Sunnydale till it was resolved at least. But he had managed to bring that scroll and several others with him, and was still trying to unravel that mystery in what little spare time he had. Giles wrenched his thoughts away from that subject and back to the matter at hand.

Buffy was waiting expectantly for Giles to continue, as was the unseen figure staring through a tiny crack in the training room door. He was waiting with bated breath to see where this would lead. With a start, he realized that he’d been holding his breath and released it suddenly. He was still getting used to that, although it had been several months since the transformation. It was strange the twists his life – or unlife, as the case may be – had taken recently. A bloke could go mad trying to sort it all out. Sometimes he thought he had done just that. He suddenly realized that his mind had wandered while Giles had started speaking again. He focused on the pair out in the shop. He didn’t want to miss any of this.

“…and the torture he endured at Glory’s hands. The tears he shed when you died. The devotion with which he looked after Dawn while you were…gone.” Giles still hated to say she had been dead. He paused again to gather his own thoughts and emotions, then continued. “Not just intense emotional displays though… everyday attributes, also. An affinity for soap operas… attachments to people, places, activities… Vampires have their own society, their own lifestyle, their own set of rules to live by. Spike has defied those rules, those norms time and again now. I don’t think all of those things can just be attributed to Spike having a chip in his head. Nor can they be credited solely to his feelings for you. I think it is safe to assume that Spike defies all known norms. I know this topic might make you a bit uncomfortable, Buffy, but I want to discuss your relationship with Spike for a bit.”

Buffy blushed and looked down. The man in the training room clenched his fists so tightly that his fingernails dug into the palms of his hands and drew blood. He noticed neither the pain nor the blood. He was too intent on what was being said in the other room.

Giles chose his next words carefully, knowing what a delicate matter this was. “Buffy, Xander told me what Spike tried to do before he left.” Neither the blonde girl in front of him nor the man behind the training room door was able to breathe for a minute. Both were frozen by painful memories best left undisturbed. “Now, I don’t mean to pry here, but I think it’s necessary. Was this characteristic of your relationship with Spike while I was in England?” A pause. No answer. “Because I have a hard time picturing that being the case. I know Spike had a bit of an obsession with you. I know he once chained you up in a misdirected attempt to convince you of his affection. And I’m well aware that violence is a way of life for all vampires. But you are the Slayer and well able to defend yourself in any situation. To the best of my knowledge, Spike never crossed that line with you before I left – never tried to force himself on you… unless that is, there’s something you’ve neglected to tell me, hmmm?”

Buffy’s response was immediate this time. “No. Nothing like that.” She hesitated briefly, then sighed and started speaking in a low voice. “Giles… I was the one who initiated a physical relationship with Spike. The first time I kissed him, it shocked us both. And the next time I saw him after that, he didn’t try anything at all. He just wanted to talk to me about what had happened between us. Of course, I wouldn’t hear of it and turned him away. Then I kissed him again and denied it afterward. I’m sure he was getting frustrated with me, but he still didn’t try to do anything but talk to me about what was going on. Then I attacked him one night when he made me mad. We fought like we haven’t fought in forever – turns out his chip didn’t work on me anymore and he could fight back. We literally brought the house down around us, but he never tried to bite me or kill me. Well, um, er, I guess there’s no easy way to say this next part. I jumped his bones.” Giles was suddenly very busy polishing his glasses, but she knew he was listening to her closely. “I initiated sexual contact between us, and he was… I don’t have the words to describe his reaction to that. He was in total shock that I would share myself with him. No one has ever looked at me with such a look of adoration and love and awe before. No one.” Buffy paused to take a breath and gather herself before going on. “We spent the night together and it was incredible.” More glasses polishing. That made Buffy smirk a bit. Giles was so easy to fluster sometimes. “Anyway, the next morning I ruined it all. He made some smart-ass typical Spike comment and I flipped out on him. God, I was horrible. I told him he was nothing to me. That he was just convenient and nothing more. That this meant nothing at all. He was hurt, but responded with anger and said some nasty things back to me. But that was it. He didn’t strike out at me physically or anything. And I left, promising myself that nothing would ever happen again. Of course, it did happen again, many more times. But I was the one who initiated everything at first. Even after we had started sleeping together, Spike still waited on me. He didn’t try to force anything and he kept quiet about it when he could have gone bragging to Xander or someone and made my life hell.”

Buffy laughed bitterly at her last comment. “Except that my life was already a living hell and it had nothing to do with Spike. He was the only thing that made it better. Not that I ever told him that. Oh, no. I couldn’t say anything nice to him. Couldn’t be nice to the evil soulless monster, could I? ‘Cause what kind of person did that make me that I wanted to sleep with a bloodsucking fiend? I never saw him as Spike, the man. He was always Spike, the soulless beast. And I never missed an opportunity to remind him of this fact. I’d go to him and get what I wanted and then I’d take my leave of him, reminding him once again that he wasn’t worthy of me. I shut him out of my life, Dawn’s life, patrolling, everything I could. Kept him as my dark hidden secret.”

Buffy stared off moodily for a few moments and sighed again. “And he took it, Giles. Whatever I dished out, he took. And I dished out a lot. And I know he’s a vampire and can take a lot, but you don’t know how it was, Giles.” A pause to gather her nerve. “There was one night that I thought I had killed a girl. It wasn’t true. Turned out to be a setup by the evil nerd trio, but we didn’t know that then. Spike tried to help me out by hiding the body. When I went to the police station to turn myself in, I was overwhelmed by guilt and so many other emotions. Spike was there and tried to stop me from going in. Do you know how he tried to stop me? By blocking my path and talking to me. He even asked me to explain it to him when I said that he didn’t get it. And do you know how I responded to that? I beat the shit out of him, that’s how. And I don’t mean that we sparred or fought. I mean that I beat him senseless. I took out all of my self-hatred and loathing on him. I let him have everything and then some. And he took it all. He just lay there and willingly let me beat him up. Figured if it helped me out, then it was worth it. After I beat him unconscious, I walked away and left him lying there in that alley to greet the sun. Even after I found out I hadn’t killed that girl, I still didn’t go back and check on him. I just went home and went to bed. To this day I don’t know how he got home that night.” Giles looked at her compassionately throughout this confession, and that gave her the courage to keep going.

“No matter what I did, Spike never got violent with me. After that initial fight where he found out he could hit me, he never did it again. He didn’t once try to bite me when we were, uh, involved intimately. Oh, sure, he said a lot of stuff. Made lewd, suggestive comments at every possible opportunity. And he was always trying to get me to admit that I loved him, but that was it. He did reach a point where he started coming round and initiating sex, but I was a very willing partner in all that.”

“After I finally ended things with Spike, he was hurt and angry. Riley had just been in town and we had destroyed his crypt. Blew up the entire bottom level. And not like I even offered to help him clean up. I totally trashed his house and that was fine, because I’m the Slayer and what I do is right and he’s a vampire and what he does is wrong. And maybe he did deserve it because of those stupid demon eggs that were down there, but I still don’t even know if he really knew what they were or what he was doing with them. Anyway, that’s not important. The point is that he was hurt and angry and rejected and humiliated… and he still didn’t do anything. He didn’t try to get even with me by hurting me physically or telling anything to my friends.” Another pause to gaze around the room and down at the table before them. “You know, I told him to move on and find someone else. But I was so upset when he ended up sleeping with Anya. I felt so hurt, so betrayed. Stupid, huh?” Buffy smiled a bit self-deprecatingly at that.

“All along he kept telling me that I had feelings for him, but I pushed him away every time. Kept denying the possibility of any feelings at all. I said some pretty cold things to him right before he ended up in bed with Anya. I hurt him worse than even I realized. I wounded him, Giles. Still he didn’t try to do anything to hurt me at all. He didn’t go to Anya for sex. He went there for a spell to stop himself from feeling so miserable over me. From what I gathered later on, there was a great deal of alcohol and misery-induced reminiscing involved before they ever got physical. And I have no one to blame for any of that but myself. Spike is loyal and if I hadn’t pushed him away, he never would have wandered. I really don’t think he would have slept with her or anyone else regardless of how much alcohol was involved if it hadn’t been for the other factors.” The figure in the training room shook his head grimly at that statement and silently mouthed “No” as a lone tear trickled down his cheek.

“Anyway I have to take my share of the blame for how things ended between us, you see. Because I certainly didn’t handle things well from the get-go. I knew he was in love with me and I toyed with his feelings by getting sexually involved with him when I didn’t feel the same way.” A deep sigh and a shake of the head. “When he came over that night, it was to apologize for what had happened with Anya. He was sorry that he had hurt me.” A hollow laugh. “Can you believe that? I never once even thought about apologizing to the evil vampire for anything I did to him, but the same supposedly soulless fiend comes to me to apologize because something that he had every right to do had hurt me.” Another pause to reflect on this amazing fact again. Another bitter sigh. “But I wouldn’t listen. I handled it like I handle everything else. I shut him out. He was trying to reach out to me and I refused to even hear him out. I don’t think he meant to force himself on me, Giles. I know he didn’t. Things got out of hand between us and it escalated. And when I was saying no…well, I’d said no so many times before when it actually meant yes… I don’t excuse what he did. It was still wrong, but I had played with his emotions like a yoyo…and the string snapped this time. I don’t think he even heard me telling him to stop. I don’t think he realized that I was crying. When I kicked him off of me, there was the look on his face that I’ll never forget…a combination of sudden realization, rising horror, a profound sense of shock, and nausea at the thought of what he’d been trying to do to me. He seemed to be so hurt by the awareness of what he’d tried to do. Of course, I couldn’t allow myself to see that and accept it back then. Oh, no. Not Buffy. Little Miss Perfect can’t acknowledge any good in the evil vampire at all. I was so full of righteous anger. I kicked him out – out of my house, out of my life, and apparently out of town. No one’s seen him since that night and I don’t think he’s going to return this time. Why would he after the way I treated him? Would you come back to that?”

Buffy stopped talking as she realized this was the most she’d ever shared about her pseudo-relationship with Spike up until now, and with her surrogate father no less. She looked at Giles, trying to gauge his reaction. His expression was not what she expected. Not the total disapproval that all the Scoobies had given her upon learning that she’d been involved with Spike. No disgust or disappointment in her now exposed shameful behavior toward Spike. Nor were there any of the other reactions she had been subjected to afterward. No relief that Spike was gone and this was over, could be swept away and ignored now – like Xander. No obvious hope that he would return any day and they could work things out somehow – like Dawn. She didn’t even see any signs of the hysterical laughter that had characterized Giles’ initial reaction to her involvement with Spike. Instead, he looked understanding, sympathetic, non-judjmental and loving. He smiled at her compassionately and opened his arms to embrace her in a fatherly hug.

After a few moments, they separated and Buffy reached for a tissue to wipe away the tears of relief at his reaction to her revelations. “Buffy, I didn’t know the details, but I rather suspected that it wasn’t as black and white as Xander had made it out to be. I appreciate you being open with me. I know that wasn’t easy for you. Was this the first time you’ve admitted all that to anyone?” A nod of confirmation. “Well, I appreciate your trust and will respect your confidence. But I encourage you to seriously consider telling the others. It might help them to understand your actions, and also your reactions to them better.” Buffy shook her head to show that she understood, but didn’t look too thrilled at the idea of telling the others. Oh, well. One step at a time. “Buffy, It’s hard for me to be objective where you are concerned. You realize that you’re like a daughter to me, and I don’t think that you’ll ever meet anyone that I think is good enough for you.” Giles smiled fondly at Buffy and squeezed her hand. That comment warranted a genuine smile filled with warmth and gratitude.

“When you compound that with what Spike is…well, it would be difficult at best. But when you look at who Spike is and what he has done, then you have to be willing to consider the possibility at least. Buffy, I do believe that Spike’s feelings for you are real. Realize though that he would always be at war with his own nature. I’m not surprised that your relationship crossed over into violence. What I am surprised by is that it was the human and not the vampire that initiated most of that violence. No judgment here, mind you, just an observation. What is even more surprising is that if I understand you correctly, Spike was both ashamed and most likely guilt-ridden afterward, and that is not common behavior in any vampire – let alone one without a soul. The behavior modification chip monitors Spike’s actions only to a point and it does not control or direct his emotions and motivations. That comes from another place, and since he does not have a soul, then we must assume that the demon is the controlling factor. So, although he may love you totally and truly, he will always be at war with himself to a degree. His love for you might actually win out over his vampiric nature – with or without the chip even – but the battle would always be going on inside him. He would have to fight it every single day. Then again, what I just said in no way explains his affection and concern for Dawn, his loyalty to your memory or any of the other peculiarities that make up Spike. I hope you can appreciate why I have been unable to rationalize or explain away Spike and his actions.”

“I get that.” Buffy said ruefully. “I really do. He always was such a contradiction. Even teenage slayer me could see that. I used to wonder how someone dead over a century could enjoy life more than anyone I knew. Or how he could be so in love with Drusilla. Lots of things I never got about Spike. Probably never will. Unfortunately, I don’t know that I’ll get a chance to find out for myself. I know he’s got a demon to deal with, but he tried and I never gave him any credit for it at all. I have a soul, but I’m the one who acted like a monster. I’d like to at least get a chance to tell him I’m sorry. Share with him some of what I’ve told you today. But I don’t think that’s going to happen. He’s gone and I don’t think he’s coming back this time. Sometimes I wonder if he left because of me or in spite of me…or if it really matters either way if he’s not coming back.”

“Buffy, I’ve no doubt whatsoever that Spike will eventually return. He seems to be drawn here. The question you should be asking yourself is not if he’ll return, but rather how you will react when he does. For, Buffy, my dear girl, it’s obvious to me that you have some very strong and unresolved feelings toward Spike… And there’s nothing wrong with that, you know.” Two heads jerked up in amazement at that statement, although one reaction went unnoticed by any save a fly buzzing around the training room.

“Giles, what are you saying?” Buffy asked in no small state of shock. “Do you approve of me having a relationship with Spike?”

“Umm, not exactly. I don’t totally disapprove either though. Buffy, I’ve come to realize many things this past year. You are like a daughter to me, and I want you to be happy. However, you’re also the Slayer and slayers don’t normally live very long, so your safety is as important to me as your happiness. I came to realize a long time ago that your friends and family, the relationships you’ve formed with others is what has kept you going…made you strong…helped you grow…made you who you are. If Spike is a part of that, then I accept it. You will never have a conventional lifestyle by virtue of your calling. Why should I think you would have a conventional relationship? If you are going to be involved with anyone, then I’d like it to be someone who can help you, protect you, look after you, and truly love you. Spike just might fit that bill better than most.”

Buffy just stared at Giles, totally blown away by what he was saying. She opened her mouth to speak, but couldn’t find any words.

Giles smiled at her and continued. “I’m not trying to faust anyone on you. Nor am I encouraging you to pursue anything. However, you could have turned to anyone last year if all you wanted was a physical affair. You chose Spike, knowing exactly who and what he is. Even before that, you trusted him with Dawn’s care and she means more to you than anyone else. What does that say about your feelings for him, eh?” Buffy swallowed hard, totally at a loss. Giles smiled at her reassuringly.

“You don’t have to deal with this now, but you will eventually have to and I believe it will be sooner rather than later. A soulless vampire should not be capable of the emotions that Spike has shown on more than one occasion. It goes against the very essence of what a vampire is. Yet he has somehow transcended that nature. When Spike returns, regardless of how you feel about him Buffy, I do honestly believe that it would behoove all of us to help him on his journey.”

“What do you mean by that, Giles?”

“I mean that rather than looking for any signs that he’s up to his old tricks, rather than suspecting him of always having ulterior motives, rather than looking down on him… Perhaps we should help Spike to start over. Give him a clean slate and see what he does with it. Encourage him. Support him. I doubt he’s ever had that before – as a human or a vampire. What I’m saying, Buffy, is that I believe Spike is redeemable and I would be remiss if I wasn’t willing to assist him along the way. I actually think he started down that path quite some time ago and none of us could see it…or wanted to see it, for that matter. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, Buffy, and I’ll respect your feelings in this matter also, but I’d like to help Spike when we see him again. What do you say?”

Buffy didn’t speak for what seemed like an eternity to the man with the racing pulse who stood behind the training room door. When she finally did speak, it was in a tightly controlled voice that belied the depth of emotion behind her words.

“When I fell in love with Angel, you all thought I was crazy. When he lost his soul and turned evil again, I still loved him. That didn’t go away. Having to kill him was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. It nearly destroyed me. So many people I’ve loved have left me in one fashion or another – my dad, Angel, Riley, my mom, even you. None of them came back, except for you. Spike was just there at first, always underfoot. I guess I got used to having him around after a while…he sort of grew on me. You’re right about me entrusting him with Dawn – and that was over the rest of you even – and not just because he was strong and could protect her. I knew he would die before he’d allow anyone to hurt her…or me either, for that matter. I was – and still am – attracted to him on many levels. We’ve had a passionate and intense relationship for years – whether it was love, hate or even somewhere in-between. I can’t deny the intensity of what’s there. I told him I didn’t trust him, but that wasn’t it. I told him he didn’t have a soul, but that wasn’t it. I told him I didn’t love him, but that wasn’t it either.” Her voice was both breaking and rising at the same time, and she stopped short to collect herself.

Giles said nothing, waiting patiently for her to go on. The man behind the door stood as still as a statue, hardly breathing as he also waited for her to continue. Although many things had changed for him in the past few months and his priorities were quite different these days, nothing else mattered at this particular moment except what Buffy would say next.

“I couldn’t allow myself to love him, Giles, because I couldn’t bear the thought that something might happen where I would have to stake him. I couldn’t kill someone else I loved again. I don’t think I could come back from that again. So I couldn’t love him. I couldn’t risk it. No matter how I felt about him – how I still feel about him. I can’t go through that again.” And with that, Buffy broke down completely, sobbing uncontrollably. Giles held her, waiting for the storm to abate.

In the training room, the man whose hopes and fears had been pinned on what he’d just heard stood still in utter shock and amazement. He’d never suspected – not even once. How blind can I be? Don’t go there, mate. Start reviewing your own stupidity and you’ll be here all night. Time to leave before you get caught back here. This is not how you want to meet up with any of them again.

He took one last peek through the crack in the door and shook his head in disbelief again. He’d go see Giles in a day or two, but he had some business to tend to first. He strode purposefully to the back door with a small smile on his face – the first real smile in months. The man who no longer knew what to call himself – the man formerly known as Spike…William the Bloody… Wlliam Atherton III…walked out the back door and stepped into the sunlight.



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