Kindred Series

Kindred: (noun) A group of related persons, such as a family, clan, or tribe.
(adj.) Having a similar or related origin or nature.






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BOOK ONE
JOURNALS & JOURNEYS
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Chapter Six
Spike’s Journal – First Glance

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Day 8

Figured I’d start keeping a bloody journal. Turning into a right ponce, I am. Might just help me sort out my thoughts though. I could definitely use some help in that area right about now. Probably won’t help, but it might… just maybe… so let’s give it a whirl, now shall we, ducks? And just who was I talking to with that comment, I wonder. Get a grip, Spike. You’re starting to lose it. Lose what exactly? My head? My heart? My life? My soul? Lost part of my mind when the blasted soldiers put that bloody chip in my head. Lost the rest of it when I realized I was in love with the damn slayer. Lost my heart to her the first time I saw her, though it took a long time before I realized that. Lost my life too many years ago to worry about it now. Lost my soul at the same time… ‘course that’s not the case any more now, is it? And that’s why I’m sitting here in broad daylight swinging in a hammock in the middle of the bleedin’ jungles of Africa enjoying the friggin’ sun of all things. My life or un-life or whatever it is I’m living now just gets stranger and stranger as the days go by.

Has it only been a week since I left good ol’ Sunnyhell? I guess so… feels longer though. So much has changed in such a short time. I left out in a blaze of glory on my bike whizzing down the highway and then on a cargo plane flying fast and furious on my way to a new destiny. Cripes! Am I a fool or what? Don’t go there – already know the answer to that one. Thought I knew what I was doing… what I was getting myself into… but I hadn’t a clue, not really. Plan was simple enough – head out here, face the Keralt demon and his bloody challenges, beat him, and get what I wanted… a soul. Never thought about getting one before… never wanted one. Never wanted to be like that nancyboy sire of mine with his never-ending brood/mope routine. Stupid git spent a century doing just that and only that before he decided to stop feeling sorry for hisself and move on. Then what’s ‘e do? He goes and becomes a lapdog for the Slayer, of all people! What a bloody poof. Made me sick to my stomach to see what he had become the first time I ran into him in Sunnyhell after all those years. ‘Course, I still remembered Angelus as I knew ‘im before those damn gypsies went and cursed ‘im. Got to hand it to those gypsies though – damn fine way of getting revenge if you ask me. Got to admire whoever thought that one up. Pretty funny too when you get right down to it – a vampire with a soul! Who’d a thought of such a thing? Who’d of wanted to? Certainly not me. Creeped me out the first time I realized what they’d done to ol’ Angelus. And yet, here I am – gone and made myself into the very thing I both laughed at and cringed at the thought of for years – a bloody wanker with a soul just like the great poof. Only in my case, I sought it out. I bloody asked for this, fought for it even, and I don’t know what to do with it now that I have it. Oh, the irony there is definitely causing someone somewhere many laughs at my expense, I’m sure. The Powers That Be are getting their jollies this time – a great big cosmic joke, that’s what I’ve become.

Oh, well. Never been one to run away from the truth of who or what I am, no matter what it might be or how uncomfortable it makes me. Now the poof – that’s not his style at all. He never liked to deal with anything messy, which is probably why he avoided dealing with me on numerous occasions, because I tend to be a bit messy at times. If he were here, he’d be in a dark room over at the house brooding in a corner… wouldn’t eat for days, wouldn’t smile, wouldn’t talk. He’d just sit there and sulk for days on end. He’d probably drive even Ruth and Mitchell crazy and I’m beginning to think nothing can get under their skin… but I’d wager that the great poof’s never-ending brood-fest just might do it. Glad I’m not him, ‘cause I’m starting to be downright fond of both Ruth and Mitchell. Couldn’t ask for nicer, more gracious hosts than the two of them. Smart, too – both of them. Figured out what I was – more or less – right away and dealt with it. Since then, they’ve been trying to help me sort things out… which is why I’m swinging in a hammock with a glass of Scotch and a pack of fags to keep me company while I think. No brooding in dark rooms for me. No sirree. I spend my days out here thinking and then the three of us sit down and talk things out at night. It’s been helping somewhat…I think. The talking, that is. Maybe if the poof would’ve had someone like them to talk to… who knows how he might have dealt with things instead. Then again, what if I didn’t have them… how would I be handling things right now? That’s a right scary thought to consider that I might have become just like the nance m’self. Scary? More like sickening. Best move on to another train of thought ‘cause this one is about to derail and the impending crash is more than I can handle right now.

I always tackle things head-on and try to figure it out or beat it down, depending on what I’m facing. That’s my way. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I don’t, but I’ve always been one for taking action. Only this time… I have no idea what action to take… not yet anyway. But I’ll figure it out eventually… I hope.


Day 9

Had that dream again last night. That’s 3 nights running now. Wonder what that means. Most of my dreams since I left the cave have been either memories or fears, and both are starting to make me dread closing my eyes. I don’t know which is worse, really. The memories are all so clear – things I did in the past – some a long time ago and some recently – all of them horrible things and most of which I delighted in at the time. Those dreams – those memories - are like looking at myself in a movie. I can see my emotions so clearly in the expressions on my face, the glint in my eyes, the delighted way I move as I cause carnage and destruction everywhere I go. I kill and torture and feed and maim and blood flows fast and furious as I learn to be a vampire, try to impress my grandsire, try to make a name for myself, try to make Dru happy, try to take care of her, try to earn her love… When I see these memories in my dreams, I’m both sickened and fascinated by them… fascinated at what I’ve seen and done and how I’ve changed over the years… sickened by the pain I’ve caused, the deaths I’m responsible for. Guess that’s the soul talking there. Never bothered to feel guilty about what I’d done until recently. Just being a vampire, you know, and that’s what vampires do. With Angelus as a Sire, you learned early on exactly what was expected of you. So, I decided that if I was going to be a vampire, I was going to go at it with the same gusto I always do things with…and I did. And I was a damn good vampire. Well, not good – bad actually, but great at the same time. Wicked and evil and wonderful – that was me. When did how I view that change? Is that really the soul? Didn’t I feel differently before now? Not about the past maybe, but about other things? Yeah, I can think of a couple of things that I felt guilty about before I ever got this bloody soul. Don’t go there, Spike, m’ boy. Not yet. Not ready to deal with that right now. Soon, but not right now. Back to the dreams, then. That’s a better topic, innit?

When it’s not memories, then it’s fears. All my worst fears come true in my mind. And so bloody clear that it hurts to look at them. Didn’t realize I had all those fears till these dreams started and wasn’t too happy at all to discover them. They were there just under the surface, waiting to pop up and grab my attention. And now that I’ve noticed them, it’s getting harder and harder to ignore them. They’re not all the same; mind you… these fears are more varied than I ever thought they’d be. Got one heck of an imagination, I do. But they all have one thing in common – they cause me so much emotional torment that I feel the pain physically even after I wake up. They scare me awake literally and then I’m sitting up in bed in my little room in Ruth & Mitchell’s place and I’m gasping for breath and my heart is racing and body is pouring sweat and I can still see those images in front of me and I want to gouge out my eyes so that I can get rid of them. But that wouldn’t work, would it? So, how do I get past them?

The memories I can handle – more or less. I can’t undo the things I’ve done and I won’t spend a whole bloody century sulking like the ponce. Be buggered if I’ll sink to that level. I can honestly say that I am sorry for all of it now – and that’s a lot to be sorry for – but if all I do is mope, then what good am I? Why even bother to have a soul if I’m not going to do anything with it? So, I can take what I’ve learned in the past century plus about causing pain and turn that knowledge around to help prevent or cure others’ pain. I can try to make a difference for the right side this time. That’s a noble viewpoint, isn’t it? Now I’m starting to sound like the poof – help the helpless and all that. Time for another glass of Scotch, I b’lieve. I don’t mean that I want to be a namby-pamby or anything… it’s just that I feel like I understand others’ pain now and that maybe my understanding can somehow help them. Oh, yeah! It’s most definitely time for another glass of Scotch, before I start spouting euphemisms and such all over the place. That’d be a sight for whoever is sitting in the cosmic crux laughing at my plight at this point. Don’t want to give them that satisfaction, so I’ll just drink my Scotch and keep my trap shut.

‘Course the fears are another story totally. Don’t have a clue how to deal with them or how to make them go away. Maybe they’re here to stay for good. Maybe they’re part of my punishment for the things I’ve done – eternal torment and all that. Well, okay, maybe I deserve to be eternally tormented and I can admit that with some grace after all. But really, some of those fears are just taking things too far. Some of them are probably justified and I guess I’ll learn how to live with them. I brought them on myself after all. Especially the ones involving Buffy, but anything that hurts the Niblet is just taking things a bit too far. That’s the one that terrifies me the most. That’s the dream that’s run through my fevered mind the past 3 nights running now and it’s about to drive me over the edge. I don’t even understand what it is that I’m afraid of in this dream. I can’t identify exactly what’s happening, but I know Lil Bit is in trouble and I can’t get to her in time and that terrifies me. If anything happened to her, I don’t know what I’d do. Last time I failed to protect her, failed to keep her safe… Doc cut her up there on that tower and that damn portal opened and Buffy had to jump and she died… Don’t want to think along those lines. That’s still a real bad time in my mind, even if she is alive now. I still remember what it was like when she was dead. I don’t think this dream is connected to any memories of that particular failure of mine in that sense though, because I don’t feel that anyone is in danger in this dream at all except Dawn. Not Buffy and not any of the other Scoobies… just Niblet. But she’s more important than anyone else to me. It’s funny, but I just realized that it’s true. Dawn is more important to me than anyone else. More important than even Buffy is and that’s saying a lot. I wonder why that is. Have to think about that one some more and figure that thought out. But one thing’s for sure… I’m gonna have to find a way to beat that dream back before it drives me mad.


Day 10

Well, think I figured it out last night – why Dawn’s so important to me, that is. Ruth’s actually the one who got me on track to the heart of the matter. Got to love that woman with her common sense and big heart. She’s got more wisdom in her from just plain living and observing than many a learned man I’ve ever met, and that’s saying a lot. At dinner last night, I shared my revelation from yesterday with them. I was a bit ‘wigged’ as the girls would say when I realized that Dawn was more important to me than Buffy even. I mean, I’m totally in love with Buffy and have wanted nothing more than to make her happy for the past 2 years now. ‘Course I wasn’t very successful there, was I? Don’t follow that line o’ thought just yet. Not ready to go there, are you? No, didn’t think so at all. Big ponce – really tackling it head on, aren’t you. All action, you are. Yeah, right. Okay, okay, enough already. Self-deprecating humor aside, you know you need to deal with what happened between you and Buffy before you left and you can’t put it off forever. You need to confront it and make some serious decisions about what comes next. You can’t stay out here and hide in the jungle forever. You’re right, I do and I will, but not today. Today is about Dawn. I’ll deal with Buffy tomorrow… or maybe the next day… but soon, very soon.

So, Dawn… she’s a right special girl, she is. Even if she wasn’t the sodding Key, I’d still think that. She took me by surprise, she did. I’d just figured out that I had feelings for the Slayer when the Little Bit took to hanging out at my crypt. At first, that stroked my ego a bit. Here was a pretty slip of a girl looking up at me with admiring blue eyes, eager to hear my stories of past glories… no matter how gruesome they might be. Now Buffy, she wouldn’t have approved of me telling the Niblet those tales, no way, no how… but somehow I didn’t care all that much at the time. Not when I was looking at those huge blue eyes and that pleading puppy-dog expression of hers. Couldn’t of resisted anything she asked for even if I wanted to. And if she wanted to hear her own live version of “Tales from the Crypt”… then I was happy to oblige. Cripes! She had me wrapped around her little finger even back then, but I couldn’t see it. At the time, I was just enjoying the company and trying to use her as an angle to get Buffy’s attention. But Dawn was worming her way into my heart even back then and I didn’t even realize it. Couldn’t see it till it was almost too late. Almost lost my connection to the Bit, I did, and that hurt me more than I cared to admit at the time.

When I chained Buffy up in my crypt that time (and, yes, I do know how stupid that was) to get her to listen to me and everyone got mad at me, the one that surprised me was the Bit. I expected it from the others and couldn’t say I was surprised by the animosity there at all. It was always under the surface anyway between us – me and the Scoobies, that is. It shocked me when Buffy had the Wiccas do the dis-invite spell on her house to keep me out. I mean, she’d never done that before… even when I was still the Big Bad and we were mortal enemies. I’d had a free pass to her house for a couple of years by then and I’d just taken it for granted that it’d always be there. That was the first inkling I had that I’d crossed a line and gone way too far with things. Truly didn’t occur to me before that. Heck, Dru liked being chained up. Matter of fact, so did all the women I’d been with up ‘till that point. Didn’t really think it would bother the Slayer all that much. I just figured Buffy’d get over it and beat on me like she always did… We’d get back to normal soon enough and then I could talk to her, get her to listen to me, try to get her to see what I was talking about. But then I went to the Magic Shoppe the next day and the Bit didn’t want to talk to me. It shocked me, wounded me even. Made me realize that my actions had hurt her. Never meant to hurt her at all. Don’t think I ever really apologized to her for that. Then again, can’t say I was into apologizin’ back in those days. Have to remedy that when I see her again. Got lots of things to apologize for, no two ways about that, but need to be honest with myself here and say that the Bit deserves an apology for the way I let her down…used her and took her for granted back then. She was my friend and I didn’t even see it. Too busy trying to find an angle to get to Buffy and looked right past the only friend I’ve truly had in a long time.

She is, you know… my friend. Can’t say I had all that many friends when I was a human. Right ponce I was back then… didn’t really fit in anywhere, all wrapped up in my poetry and dreams. I had my family, of course – my mum and my little sis. Then Dru turned me and I had a new family, of sorts – dysfunctional as we were, we were still family… but friends, no I think definitely not. Dru was my Black Goddess, but not my friend. Darla was just a major bitch. Never did like her one bit. Angelus, my grandsire, was the father figure whose approval I could never get. Angel was the great big poof I couldn’t stand - whining on and on about with his bleedin’ soul and all. And when Angelus came back the 2nd time, it wasn’t the same. He was a right selfish bastard intent on destroying everyone and everything, including me. Most definitely not a friend in any sense of the word. I’ve had plenty of minions over the years, but minions don’t count as friends. They’re servants, nothing more. I never made any Childer. Never claimed anyone. Never had anyone I wanted to be tied to like that, not even Dru. Hmm, never thought about that before. Wonder why I didn’t ever claim Dru? I could have, but I never even asked. (Then again, maybe I didn’t ask ‘cause I was afraid she’d say no. Always knew her “daddy” was first in her heart no matter what I did, so that might be closer to the truth.) For the longest time after Darla and Angelus left us, we only had each other and that was enough, or so I thought. Anyway, she was there, so I didn’t have to be lonely, but I never realized that anything was missing. I didn’t realize that I was lonely even back then. Funny that I’m just now getting that.

There’ve been people and vampires I’ve liked over the years… Dalton, for example. He was right entertaining to have around, getting all excited over his books and research like he did. I actually enjoyed his company for the most part. The Judge made short work of him though. While he wasn’t the one I would have offered up to the Judge for that, Dru didn’t have a problem with it and I never denied her anything, now did I? I have to admit I was sorry to see him go, but he wasn’t exactly a friend, now was he? More like a travel companion. Who else? Tessa. Now that’s a name that brings back strange and wonderful memories, but I can’t say she’s a friend, can I? I don’t know what she is to me exactly. Wonder why I thought of her anyway? Haven’t thought of her in years. Come to think of it, that’s odd. Odd, indeed, and way too complicated to go into right now. Before that, there was…her. But that’s a painful subject even now, so I won’t go there. Besides, she was much more than a friend. So, who else?

Joyce, of course! Now Joyce was definitely my friend and probably the first person I honestly liked in a long time. Admired her from the first time I met her, I did. How many people, let alone women, would smack a dangerous vampire upside the head with an axe and threaten them with bodily harm? Really! It’s funny now that I think about it. Wasn’t all that funny to me at the time. Ready to up the count and bag my 3rd slayer, going in for the kill, and suddenly I’m nursing a splitting headache and staring up at this woman with an axe hovering over me yelling at me to get the hell away from her daughter. Me, William the Bloody, defeated by the angry mother of a 16-year-old girl. Right funny, that is. Guess the Cosmic Forces have been laughing at my expense for some time now. I sure wasn’t laughing back then, but I am now. A loud belly laugh that makes me feel good for the first time in ages. And then I’m putting down this bloody journal and laughing till the tears stream down my face. Ruth and Mitchell are looking out the window at me and they probably think I’ve gone round the bend, but I wave to let them know I’m all right and they smile. And I keep laughing till it dies down to chuckles and then… I remember Joyce and I smile as the memories flow. The Slayer telling her mom that she and I are in a band. Me sitting in her living room while the Slayer’s on the phone the day we made our alliance against Angelus. Joyce asking me if we’ve met before and me telling her she threatened me with an axe once. Her expression at that little revelation. That gets me laughing again. Wonder what she thought about all that, what the Slayer told her about me. Guess I’ll never know. Me coming back to Sunnyhell, drunk and out of my mind with grief over Dru leaving me. Joyce giving me hot chocolate with little marshmallows. She knew what I was when she turned around in her kitchen that night and saw me standing in the doorway. She didn’t scream or look frightened. She just smiled at me and said “Hello, Spike. Would you like some hot chocolate?” Simple words, but they touched me like nothing else. Reminded me of my own mum, she did. So sweet and concerned…for me. Listening to me talk about Dru. Not judging or anything, just listening. Accepting me for who I was, what I was.

What a woman she was. Went to visit her a couple times in the hospital when the others weren’t around. Never told anyone about that. She was asleep most times I was there and I’d just sit by her bed and watch over her, talk to her while she slept. Don’t know if she knew I was there most times, but once she woke up and looked right at me and smiled. What a smile – like a ray of sunshine, it was. She squeezed my hand and looked at me with nothing but love and acceptance in her eyes. Neither one of us said anything, but she slept peacefully that night and I’d like to think it was because she knew I was there. Probably not, but it’s one of my more treasured fantasies, so I’m going to hang on to it. We never talked about it, but that was okay with me. She was so warm and friendly to me when she got better and got back home, that I almost felt like I was a part of their family – to her, at least. Really bothers me that I didn’t get a chance to apologize to Joyce for chaining up Buffy that time. Guess that act disrespected her and I didn’t mean to. Suddenly I’m dis-invited from their house – shut out – and I know Buffy’s told her everything and I just know that she’s disappointed in me. And I wanted to go talk to her and explain. If anyone would have listened to my side, it would have been Joyce. And even though it was her daughter I did that to, I still think she would have been willing to listen and even try to understand why I did what I did. But I waited too long to go see her, because I was ashamed of what she must think of me, and then she went and died. Hurt me more than I expected to learn she was gone. Still hurts me to realize that, even now - both that she’s gone and that I let her down, that is. Such a good person… gone for eternity. That’s just not right that someone like me gets to stick around for so long and someone like Joyce gets taken so early. Don’t rightly understand why that is, but Joyce is one of the reasons why I’ve got to try to do better by people in general now. Try to make up for the fact that I’m here and she’s gone. Got a lot to make up for, I know, but that one strikes me harder than a lot of the others. Because it’s Joyce, and that’s saying a lot.

But I digress, as usual. It’s really a wonder that I ever managed to make any plans and carry them out, the way I jump around in my thoughts. Guess that shrink I ate that one time wasn’t too far off when he told me I had ADHD. Surprised me when he interrupted my attack to diagnose me. Surprised me enough to stop and listen to him and his recommendations, but then I got bored listening and ate him anyway. Oh, well. Chalk up one more thing to make amends for. So, what was I trying to get back to anyway… Oh, yeah. Dawn. My Little Bit. I let her down and I owe her an apology for that when I see her. But I didn’t just let her down that one time, now did I? Oh, no. I’ve let her down a lot, haven’t I? Didn’t value her friendship and used her as a way to get to Buffy. Didn’t save her up on the tower. Didn’t stop that bastard Doc from cutting her. Didn’t save her sister from jumping afterward. Didn’t hold myself together too well emotionally after Buffy was gone. Didn’t give her near enough of what she needed to make up for Buffy’s absence. Don’t know that I could have done that back then, but I should have tried harder than I did. But I was a wreck, wasn’t I? Yeah, I was just barely holding on during those days, and it wasn’t much better when they brought her back, was it? No, I was so torn up over her being back and being in so much pain herself, that I couldn’t take it, could I? Not just Buffy’s pain though… my own over being betrayed by the Scoobies.

Don’t know that it really classified as a betrayal, but it sure felt like it at the time. Spent the whole summer with them, patrolling, looking after Dawn, helping in any way I could. And not once did any of them tell me what they were planning on doing... that they were going to try to bring her back. Never had a clue that they were even considering it, and it wasn’t like they made this decision overnight, now was it? No, they thought about it, planned it, prepared for it over several months. And they shut me out of it totally. Shouldn’t be too upset about that, now should I? After all they didn’t tell Giles or Dawn and that puts me in mighty fine company, doesn’t it? Still… They didn’t tell Giles because he wouldn’t have let them go through with it. They didn’t tell Dawn because they didn’t want to get her hopes up only to let her down again. So, why didn’t they tell me? After all, I had tried to help the Bit get her mother back earlier that year, hadn’t I? Yeah, went to that place with her to get the spell ingredients, and they must know that. Came back from the dead myself, I did, and they know that too. So, what kept them from telling me? Did they think I learned my lesson with Dawn’s attempt to bring Joyce back? Did they think I would be opposed to the act itself on principal like Giles? Did they want to spare me any pain like Dawn? Did they not want to hear what I thought about it? Me being dead and all does present a rather unique perspective. Might have hit a bit too close to home for them to hear what I would have had to say.

Or was it what I told Harris that night? That Willow knew something might go wrong. She knew she was messing with some very powerful forces and that it might not work, or that it might not go exactly right if it did work. If she brought something evil back that had to be destroyed and any part of it was Buffy, would I have let her destroy it? No, I couldn’t have let that happen. I couldn’t lose her again. That’s what I told Harris that night… that I’d figured it out and that was why Willow shut me out. Like to believe that…I really would…but the truth is that even if Willow was running the show and she chose to shut me out… well the others went along with it too, and that’s what really hurts. Harris would have gone along with Willow, and he wouldn’t have wanted my input on anything to do with Buffy anyway. Anya would have supported Harris on just about anything back then and Tara would have gone along with Willow, but I wonder if any of them even thought about including me, if it was a discussion, or if I was just dismissed immediately. Guess I shouldn’t have expected anything more from them, but I did. I really did. I thought that maybe I had earned some trust, some consideration from them after everything I’d done, been through… guess I was just dreaming.

I was good enough to save their arses night after night on patrol, good enough to watch over the Bit when no one else could, good enough to give them information on whatever evil I could, good enough for all that, but nothing else. Not good enough to talk to about such a big decision, not good enough to consider my feelings or thoughts as being important, not good enough to hang around Buffy once she came back. Harris made that pretty clear the first night, didn’t he now? I was outside, leaning against what I like to think of as my tree, crying… shaking with shock and sobbing, actually… when the whelp and demon girl left the house. What’s the first thing he says to me? “Hope you’re not going to start your obsession with Buffy again now that she’s back.” That’s what he thought I was doing… that was his immediate assumption when he saw me outside. Not that I was overwhelmed with emotion myself, or in so much shock that I had to lean against something because it was all I could do to stand, but that I was instead reverting back to an old behavior – one that’s repulsive even to me, one I haven’t even thought of in a long time, one I thought I’d proved to them I was beyond. But no, apparently those past months, my efforts, my time, my devotion to them – all of them, not just the Bit – while Buffy was gone, were all for naught. As far as Harris was concerned, I was still just an “evil, soulless thing” as he is so fond of reminding me. Something changed in me the moment I realized that. It was like swallowing a bitter pill that wouldn’t quite go down. It lodged somewhere and I never really got rid of it afterward, now did I? Never really trusted Red or the whelp or any of the others after that. Didn’t have much use for them after they shoved me aside like that. Didn’t affect how I viewed the Watcher or the Bit, ‘cause they weren’t part of all that either. But I really didn’t have much to do with the others after that – didn’t trust them. Kind of ironic, that is, since they didn’t trust me either.

Maybe I should have talked to someone about that, tried to mend fences, so to speak… maybe things would have turned out better there. After all, it wasn’t like I had a lot of friends – just some poker buddies and the Scoobies and Dawn. Wasn’t ever that close to any of my poker buddies, although I’ve gotten to know Clem pretty well these past few months and he’s a bit of all right to me. But the Scoobies… well everything pretty much went to hell in a handbasket after that, now, didn’t it? Giles went back to England, Willow got all wrapped up in her magic, Tara broke up with her and drifted off a bit on her own from what I gather, the whelp and the demon girl were all wrapped up in planning their wedding, Buffy was all wrapped up in trying to adjust to being back (and not doing a very good job of it either, I might add), and I got all wrapped up in Buffy. So where did that leave Dawn? Alone, that’s where. I can just kick myself now for not seeing it sooner. When I walked away from Harris the night Buffy came back, I put up a wall between myself and the Scoobies… more to keep myself from getting hurt by them again than anything else, but a wall none-the-less. I stopped hanging out around them, stopped dropping by just to visit, and started projecting the attitude again. Problem was, I left Niblet on the wrong side of the wall.

Hurts to admit it, but yeah, I did. Before Buffy and I got involved intimately. Even before Buffy told me about them pulling her out of Heaven and how much she was hurting over that. Before any of that, I got so wrapped up in my own pain, that I shut out Niblet’s pain. Didn’t even think of her and how she must be feeling. ‘Course she was happy that Buffy was back, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t feeling overwhelmed herself or that she wasn’t scared and needin’ me. And I saw how Buffy was acting and all I thought about was being there for her, and how she was needin’ me and wantin’ my company, for a change. Never once thought about how her actions were affecting Dawn. How blind and self-involved can I possibly be? What kind of friend am I anyway? Not a very good one at all apparently. That kid is like my own sister, the one I lost when I got turned. She means that much to me and I love her. I really do. And it’s a good kind of love - pure and unselfish…that’s something I haven’t felt in a very long time for anyone. I haven’t wanted anything from Dawn other than her friendship in over a year, and she gave me that and more… looked up to me, respected me, trusted me when no one else would. And how do I repay her? By turning my back on her just like everyone else. By getting so wrapped up in her sister that I stopped really seeing her.

Part of me wants to make excuses and say that when Buffy came back I just assumed it would all go back to like it was before and that’s why I stopped looking in on her. But that’s a really pathetic excuse and it’s a lie and I know it. I can’t lie to myself or to her. I owe her an apology – several in fact. But this one is the one that’s going to be the hardest, I think. Because I hurt her, my Lil Bit, by turning my back on her when she needed me to see her. ‘Course she started knicking things. Taught her how to do that myself, didn’t I? So, I should have been the one to see what she was doing, but I didn’t. How many times since Buffy came back have I spent one-on-one time with Dawn? Just me stopping by the house to visit her, or her swinging by my crypt after school to hang with me? I can’t recall a single bleedin’ time, now that I think about it. God, it makes me sick to my stomach to realize that. And she knew I’d shut her out, too, or she wouldn’t have stopped dropping by, now would she? After all, she never listened to Buffy’s threats to stay away from me in the past, not even when I was actually still tryin’ to be all ‘evil’… even then she still came by all the time to chat or just hang with me. Over the summer when Buffy was… gone… she still came by regularly. Couldn’t have kept her away if I tried. So, when did that stop? When did she and I grow apart. Have to take the blame for that. I’m the one who put up the wall that effectively kept her out along with the others. Cor! Hate that I did that to her and didn’t even realize it. She was alone. Totally alone. Think I’d be more sensitive to that seein’ as how I’ve been alone myself for so long now. But no, I was too wrapped up in Big Sis and tryin’ to get in her pants all the time and tryin’ to get her to admit her feelin’s for me and tryin’ to convince her and myself that what we had was more than it was. So wrapped up that I couldn’t even see the Niblet’s pain. Hate m’self for that. Gonna owe her one big apology for that when I get back. Have to apologize for ignorin’ her, turnin’ my back on her, shuttin’ her out when she needed me, and just bein’ a jackass in general, I guess.

She’s my one true friend, you know. Buffy never was my friend. She has been my enemy, my ally, my nemesis, the foe I couldn’t conquer, the bane of my existence, the thorn in my side, the girl who haunted my thoughts and dreams, my obsession, my love, and my lover… but never my friend. And that makes me sad, because it makes me realize more than anything else that although we had passion and fire and heat, we didn’t really have anything at all… because she was never my friend. And I guess that - truthfully - I wasn’t hers either. Can’t think about that right now. Way too painful. Come back to that tomorrow after some more alcohol to fortify me. But that’s why Dawn is so important to me – even more so than Buffy – even if I am just now recognizing it. She is my one true friend, and I can’t put enough significance on that. So whatever else I end up doing when I leave here, I have to make things right with Niblet and I have to protect her… from what I don’t know yet… but I will. Because that dream I’ve been having means something bad. I don’t know what that is yet, but rest assured I will find out, and I will protect my Lil Bit from any and all danger at whatever cost to myself. I swear that.

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